62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)

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Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!

Archive

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Being distracted from mortal danger by tits is a running theme here.

FancyShark

I'd certainly rather think about tits than dying

gellaho

Miller doubts the authenticity of a warding amulet, despite everything

FlippantSausage

Fuck you Miller, she has done ACTUAL MAGIC to YOU!

FancyShark

It's some of Adam West's shark repellant

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

After anime week I don't like 'young' used as a description of a sex object

gellaho

She's very excited to meet this shark

gellaho
FlippantSausage

Off theme for Egyptian shit, but sharks ARE cooler.

LyraV 42Dukes

It's monocle glistening in the light.

FancyShark

Yeah. Smart and sexy ladies are always eager to meet sharks, according to the ads I get

FlippantSausage

She's gonna end up riding that fucker.

gellaho

Seems legit

gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Don't tell the samurai about the sharks moustache, they'll try to decapitate it.

FancyShark

oh man, one of my ancestors fucked an orca?

FlippantSausage

NEW FRIEND GET!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Mara rolled a natural 20 on Soothe Beast

gellaho

Someone let the dolphins mate with the sharks

FancyShark

HOW DID YOU FIND THAT FOLDER, DORN?!

I mean, uh...

That's weird

FlippantSausage

It was just going to happen, the feud between shark and dolphin would have to produce a pair of star crossed lovers at some point.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure something that large can't do that trick

FancyShark

Romeo and CHOMPCHOMP is one of my favorite plays

FlippantSausage

And the guards were watching the whole fucking time.

gellaho

Thanks for explaining, Miller

FlippantSausage

Cos like.........the fuck do you do when your guard whale decides it has a new best friend?

FancyShark

They didn't attack because they didn't want to get caught in the blood spray, Miller!

FlippantSausage

God......Miller you dipshit, they KNOW SHES THE MONSTERS NEW BUDDY!

gellaho

So, did Osiris get lost or what

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I love how Miller assumed they were getting out of his way and not mara's

FlippantSausage

It doesnt HAVE to be divinity, it can just be fear of pissing off the critter with gnashing teeth.

FancyShark

OSIRIS WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ONCE THIS DOOR HANDLE COOPERATES!

dammit, do you have to push or...?

FlippantSausage

And so.........does the 1997 anthropology professor or the bronze age witch know how to drive a submarine?

FancyShark

Well, he flew in Desert Storm

So, no

FlippantSausage

Fuck it tho, give the wheel to Mara, shes already doing great.

gellaho

Probably should have expected that

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Miller starts up the sub and immediately obliterates a group of kids.

FlippantSausage

She is entirely correct to treat Miller like he's a baby.

FancyShark

I hope this hellish future is all because he never informed Cook's son about his father's death

FancyShark

"WHERE WERE THEY KEEPING THEM?!"

gellaho

Squidsub, sure

FlippantSausage

Sweet.

In the hands of a competent writer some of this book would be amazing.

FancyShark

Now it's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

FlippantSausage

I'm very pro squid sub.

gellaho

I feel like if the chair is breaking, you'd have much bigger problems before then

FlippantSausage

It reminds me of Dreadfleet and its little mini what is literally a steel squid ship.

LyraV 42Dukes

Osiris, well known for his fleet of submarines.

FancyShark

For exploring the oceans of...Egypt

FlippantSausage

I like how Mara has picked up more English than Miller has......lets say Gaelic or whatever.

gellaho

And I am a moron

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Mara is speaking English, she just had a really thick Scottish accent.

FancyShark

It's a Fisher-Price driving wheel. The actual controls are over by Mara

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Mara is doing the thing where you give your younger sibling the second controller while playing a single player game

gellaho

Sure, why not

FlippantSausage

This is her book now.

Fuck yeah, flying submarine!

FancyShark

But they're underwater...

FlippantSausage

NOW FLYING SQUIDMARINE!

FancyShark

Miller, did you kill us?

Wait, I think I've got it

This is one of Brockway's CYADFAs

gellaho

How much experimentation do you need to find the non-lethal speed?

FancyShark

He ran over so many dolphins before he found cruising speed

Or eagles, the dolphins of the sky

gellaho

Miller confident that he knows where he is

FlippantSausage

Miller, you have to pilot a hoversub like you live the rest of your life, full throttle and break the handle the fuck off.

FancyShark

Sure, California or Mexico. They're right next to Tahiti

FlippantSausage

And Northern Europe.

All in approximately the same area.

LyraV 42Dukes

Miller did it as he did all things, effortlessly, perfectly and without any thought or reason.

FlippantSausage

And moistly.

FancyShark

And without Cook

gellaho

How big could the west coast of the Americas be?

FancyShark

Safely covered the Pacific Ocean but still had enough time to notice the Golden Gate Bridge was missing before plowing into a mountain

gellaho

Back for seconds

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Everything he's seen definitely indicates normal earth geography

FlippantSausage

I'm glad he's figured out where he's going because I forgot that he had someplace to be.

Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie

joke's on him he overshot it and landed in the Sacramento Delta

crashed his sub in a rice paddy

FlippantSausage

One, Mara fucks who Mara likes. Two, it ain't you Miller.

FancyShark

"He'd become used to her face"

Dorn, you hopeless romantic

FlippantSausage

Yet.

gellaho

What!? A ship in the Time Blender? Impossible!

FlippantSausage

My dude when you wanna end a relationship with a woman on a submarine, all you have to do is push.

FancyShark

Time Pirates!

Brendanonymous

What happened after stabbing?

FancyShark

Apparently Egypt?

gellaho

That's what you should do when encountering a whaling ship. Dive.

FlippantSausage

He was confounded by the trickery of Osiris!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They stole a submarine from an Egyptian god

LyraV 42Dukes

They successfully escaped Osiris and his fleet of air subs.

FancyShark

They stole the Nautilus and befriended an orca/shark hybrid

FlippantSausage

Mara continues to be rad.

gellaho

What? A harpoon? Who could have foreseen!

FancyShark

Oh shit, Liddy's after them!

FlippantSausage

Man we need to send Liddy some kind of gift basket or edible arrangement after this week.

FancyShark

I think she's going to get so much revenge on Brockway at some point

gellaho

The water stopped after they reached the surface? Weird

FancyShark

Sounds like witchcraft

FlippantSausage

Its almost like they were in some kind of.....UNDERWATER BOAT!?

Brendanonymous

They got a sub!?

FancyShark

Fuck yeah they did!

FlippantSausage

From Osiris!

FancyShark

And it turns into a hovercraft!

Brendanonymous

Was it the real Osiris?

FlippantSausage

Lord of Submarines.

NO!

They got his head wrong!

gellaho

An Australian computer voice tells him where the slurp button is

FlippantSausage

It was a double fake Osiris!

With an australian accent.

Aussiris.

LyraV 42Dukes

Osiris lived in the city from Flushed Away for some reason

Brendanonymous

Wasn't the Moon Knight hippo goddess Australian too?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Osiris was an Australian hologram with the wrong animal head

gellaho

Wakka wakka

FlippantSausage

I'm still really mad they fucked up the head!

OSIRIS HAS A HUMAN HEAD! MICHAEL DORN!

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

LyraV 42Dukes

Miller do you think they weren't trying to catch whales but maybe sky subs?

FancyShark

"Speaking of thick cables..."

"We're about to die."

FlippantSausage

Also fuck Miller for assuming Mara is going to panic at some point.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

When all you have is a harpoon gun, everything looks like a whale.

gellaho

Well, sharks round two

FancyShark

YES!

SAVE MARA! KILL MILLER!

FlippantSausage

Sweet!

gellaho

I have no idea why this is in this book

FlippantSausage

Also this went from "Subs and harpoons" to "EXPLOSION" so quickly!

FancyShark

Miller then realizes all the pirates were children

FlippantSausage

Miller really needs to learn the principle of "Fuck that guy, they harpooned my flying submarine."

gellaho

Well, now he's got a bunch of sailors

FlippantSausage

You harpoon my sub, killing you is morally and karmically neutral.

FancyShark

Feeding a shark redeems you enough to avoid ball torture in hell

FlippantSausage

Also Mara is a shark whisperer so I'm sure if you ask her she can save them.

gellaho

Make sure to introduce new redheads late in your book

FlippantSausage

"BOO HOO I BLEW UP YOUR SHIT IN A RAD FIREBALL!"

FancyShark

I read that as "Captain Grover" and got very excited

gellaho

Oops, there go more sailors

FlippantSausage

Aw that would have been rad.

gellaho

And there goes Miller

LyraV 42Dukes

The murder tally is getting up there.

FancyShark

"Oooh, right, the wave of teeth and screams"

Woop!

gellaho

Fair enough

FancyShark

hahaha, scooped you, Dorn!

FlippantSausage

Mara ๐Ÿ‘ Has ๐Ÿ‘ it ๐Ÿ‘ Covered ๐Ÿ‘

gellaho

Good thing there were more morons to pilot the sub

FlippantSausage

Tho maybe she will take up with Captain Grover and make lovely ginger babies with a stalwart man of the sea?

gellaho

Ah, Zeus

FlippantSausage

Just......anyone but Miller.

FancyShark

Fuck you, Zeus!

gellaho

Time to jump to some conclusions

FancyShark

How dare you, Miller

Mara knows what a Hitler is

FlippantSausage

STOP HIS DUMB ASS HEART WITH WITCHCRAFT!

gellaho

The world's most unnecessarily complicated plan

FlippantSausage

Yeah threaten the shark lady at open sea, you fucknut.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Miller finds time traveling alien more believable than competent woman

FlippantSausage

She fucking stabbed that dude in front of you, you think she cant take you?

gellaho

Seems like a weird detail, but fine

FancyShark

Oh, she's Gal Gadot

FlippantSausage

๐Ÿคจ Thats a hell of a jump from Gaelic.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Okay. Maybe she does look Druish.

FancyShark

It's that Irish part of Israel

gellaho

MICHAEL DORN TONY MILLER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN HISTORY

FancyShark

"We need you to kill a bunch of children."

"I was made for this."

FlippantSausage

"Certain things?"

"Mouth stuff, mostly."

gellaho

"The authors haven't written why yet"

FancyShark

"Well, that's fine by-"

"On the sharks."

gellaho

TIME BLENDER

FlippantSausage

"Why do yall want time fucked?"

"It's complicated."

I mean it seems pretty rad to me.

LyraV 42Dukes

Some sort of Hour Mingling

FancyShark

That's the name of the book!

FlippantSausage

HE SAID THE THING!

FancyShark

See?! It's a good story!

Give us a sequel, publisher!

FlippantSausage

Just like in Star Wars.

gellaho

You know, natural things. Like, MEGACRYSTALS

FancyShark

THIS IS PHOTON!

FlippantSausage

Crystals are rad.

Number one mystical material for 2000 years running.

LyraV 42Dukes

THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO

FancyShark

Actually, this sounds more like Final Fantasy

gellaho

I wonder where Michael Dorn might have gotten this idea for these

FlippantSausage

Ive been watching that for the last couple days!

gellaho

Some kind of people combined with technology and computers

FlippantSausage

๐Ÿค” Like some kind of.....science machine man.....a sci-borg.

FancyShark

A machinaman

Or a...Steele

FlippantSausage

TM Michael Dorn LTD.

Supernaught

Gellaho didn't want to be part of Anime Week, but it turns out Book Club had other plans.

gellaho

Goddamned future hippies

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"they glued a bunch of laser pointers to their heads for some reason."

FancyShark

"There are only 'police actions' and 'military interventions'."

FlippantSausage

I like how Miller got told that a group of people with a name like "Bodhis" are the bad guys and just rolled with it.

gellaho

And the Time Blender fixes the planet... that's already been saved by future hippies?

gellaho

Why do the future hippies want to time blend if they already saved the planet in the future?

LyraV 42Dukes

The Moment Amalgamate

FancyShark

"Hello. I'm beloved TV and film star Michael Dorn, and I've read most of Ender's Game."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

No dorn, those are daleks. You're stealing from the wrong franchise!

FlippantSausage

So they can fuck across all time and space.

Without having to go so goddam far.

Brendanonymous

This is one of those stories that was unfilmable in 1997 and would be so rad now.

FlippantSausage

Living an idyllic life in a community inside a rad crystal leaves you a lot of time for fucking.

FancyShark

I can't shake the feeling it would look like Ready Player One

gellaho

Future possession

FlippantSausage

Then again maybe they have some kind of internet crystals.

God Miller is real slow on the uptake.

FancyShark

"Wait, Cook was possessed? Why didn't he say so?"

gellaho

"Yeah, but when we do it it's like, organic possession, man"

FlippantSausage

Like he hadn't yet cottoned on to the fact Cook was housing a psychic projection.

LyraV 42Dukes

scooped by the Shark

Brendanonymous

This book is starting to lose its center.

FlippantSausage

Its becoming............BLENDED!

FancyShark

You...really want to use that word, Dorn?

gellaho

"It's like a spiritual co-op, maaaaaan"

gellaho

Starting to?

That implies there was one

FlippantSausage

"No the result isnt.......ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!"

LyraV 42Dukes

God Miller you just...you're so dense.

FancyShark

"We can't make someone do anything he wouldn't normally do. Like neglect an open head wound or forget about his family."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

No wonder it's not centered. When's the last time Miller did any tai chi?

FlippantSausage

"MILLER! My eyes are up here! Pay attention, this is the goddam time future stream we are trying to save!"

gellaho

"I feel like I should still unblend time, you didn't really give me a good reason not to"

FancyShark

Miller wondered. What were the boobs trying to tell him?

FlippantSausage

"Im not going to try and persuade you, because I've already told you all the things that will happen if you fuck up. That by itself should have done the trick."

gellaho

That's how animals behave, sure

FancyShark

HIS CHANCE OF SUCCESS WAS ONE IN SEVEN!

gellaho

Impossible odds

Brendanonymous

How many pages of plot explanation was that?

FancyShark

Two? Maybe?

FlippantSausage

Future robot men never did understand probability, because past writer men dont.

gellaho

it was like ten, but I still don't really understand the time blending

FlippantSausage

Time blending means it was technically no pages and all pages.

gellaho

It kind of sounds like they already solved the future, so the time blending plot seems pointless

FlippantSausage

If Miller doesnt do the ..........thing..... then the book has to be reread out of order.

It's the only way.,

Wait what the fuck is Miller doing? I forgot.

gellaho

Friendly reminder that there's a random sailor hanging out now for no reason

FlippantSausage

These nudists seem cool.

FancyShark

Future bikinis, sure

FlippantSausage

Probably like tinfoil patterned and shiny.

gellaho

The MEGACRYSTAL causes many cases of blindness

FlippantSausage

Like science man jumpsuits in a Godzilla movie.

FancyShark

So much Windex has to be used on the Megacrystal each day

gellaho

Fucking what?

FlippantSausage

"Blinding onlookers for miles around is basically our main mode of defense from the robots."

LyraV 42Dukes

Birds are constantly smashing into it.

FlippantSausage

Bats too, because the psychic emanations confuse echolocation.

Some nude janitor has to go over parts of it with a toothbrush.

FancyShark

Sure, buildings are psychic agreements. This all is very accurate.

FlippantSausage

If you think about it, alot of things are psychic agreements.

LyraV 42Dukes

Their experiments with the glintstone crystals went awry.

FlippantSausage

Like pissing in the bathroom and not your bosses desk.

gellaho

Frank's my favorite

FancyShark

Joe is the crystal

FlippantSausage

Man imagine being the Frank in that place.

Brendanonymous

Yeshiva, Arno, Isolte,and...Frank

FlippantSausage

Everyone else is a Yeshiva or a Chandrasekhar or a Moonflower and you're fucking Frank.

LyraV 42Dukes

Frank son of Incense and Myrrh

FlippantSausage

Everyone is real nice about it and that makes it worse.

Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie

that would be invasive

FancyShark

"Hey, you guys are laughing at me."

"Shut up, Frank."

gellaho

"No, I won't tell you why it's important"

Brendanonymous

Page 238 of 257, and we're still just laying down track.

FlippantSausage

Man he is really pissed about all this people being nice and clean air and free nudity.

FancyShark

It's called "plausible deniability". It holds up in court!

gellaho

I'm reaching my tolerance for hippie nonsense

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He noticed all the butthole pucker marks on the megacrystal benches

FancyShark

hahaha, they have a Thinking Spot

gellaho

Limit surpassed

FlippantSausage

Fuck yeah I was just about to say they were gonna plant ass on them blobs.

FancyShark

Hey, remember when you were being chased by a bastardized version of the Egyptian god of life?