FancyShark
Shit, @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage called it
81: Godslayer Mickey Zucker Reichert
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The gods had claimed him for a quest that would lead from the hell of human war to the very gates of Hel!
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Brendan
It took this guy 12 pages to go from knight errant to necromancer megavillain
Floygwai
The high fantasy body pillow. That's where we've gone now? Really?
Badgerman
So we're right back to where we would have been if he had just gotten over himself and built a pleasure golem
gellaho
But decides to turn her to dust and have a temper tantrum instead
Brendan
he real-dolled the love of his life.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He hasnt even STARTED doing wizard shit to her corpse. I can think of five or six ways he could go about this.
1000 Space GDCs
To be fair, the first time I brought a girl to my dorm room it was about this awkward.
Badgerman
Hate spawns hate you guys. So deep. Much nuance. Waow
I got you Rachel for Christmas
You really shouldn't have killed her
Brendan
I sometimes ponder calling up my first kiss to apologize.
FancyShark
Thank god he just disintegrated the racist woman instead of defiling the corpse
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just sweep up for later. Corpse dust has a long shelf life.
gellaho
Perfectly logical
Brendan
But do girls care that he shows this consideration?
Brendan
Yeah he cuts a strong Anakin profile
FancyShark
Pfft, of course not! Too busy with their Palachads
I got you Rachel for Christmas
You're all just seeing star wars cause of the incest vibes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cmon dont blame Slime, she didnt know. Dont be a dick wizard.
Brendan
To be fair, we also thought she was messing with him.
Badgerman
And yet even though this guy commands so much more cosmic power I'm still confident in saying Anakin was way cooler
gellaho
The best indication that this was written by a woman is how often she says straight men think Loki is the most beautiful thing they've ever seen
Floygwai
I'm not sure I'm still okay with the fact that they basically congealed into a clump of dried blood clot but I guess it's better than most alternatives
Brendan
At least Anakin can use the force without getting a hangover.
Badgerman
Tom Hiddleston wasn't that hot. Come on
I got you Rachel for Christmas
disagree
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cool did he conjure a fuckboi?
Badgerman
He's just so reedy!
Floygwai
Damn, man. When's the last time you washed that life aura? You live like this?!
1000 Space GDCs
That's just his roommate, Chad
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I mean... i can't judge
FancyShark
Just once, I want to see an author get all sloppy for someone wildly outside the bounds of beauty standards
gellaho
They'll let him back into wizard school after that?
FancyShark
Sorry, quoting my Tindr profile
Brendan
Fanfic-level women writing bad boys is one of my guilty delights because it's always like...the guy that other men would laugh at to his face. See also: Christian Grey. I know men writing women is a much broader genre, but we have to acknowledge the "Okay, nice tough talk there, guy" phenomenon.
Badgerman
Hatespawn sounds like a Todd Macfarlane title
FancyShark
A spinoff, possibly from a line trying to tackle The Issues
I got you Rachel for Christmas
That would explain the incellery
Floygwai
Goddammit I didn't want to think about the Violator more than once this week but here we are again
Brendan
Loki is just the recruiter for someone bigger?
gellaho
A fun prank sword
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Look, if you havent gotten rejected by your local rulers racist daughter and burned down the court, you arent really ready for Advanced Wizarding.
Badgerman
"How far would you go to win the woman of your dreams? Would you kill a giant? Would you kill another person after that even though you were really tired? Even if that person was the woman you loved who really hated you and was also a racist? Women, amirite? Hi, I'm Todd Macfarlane."
I got you Rachel for Christmas
so ... i am ready?
gellaho
Very perceptive
FancyShark
This sounds like the tackiest prop
Floygwai
Helblindi pls
play dee em cee 2
gellaho
Vet-fucking-nam
1000 Space GDCs
Came from the same hot topic as the staff
Brendan
Ten years of wizard training and getting headhunted by gods, and this guy never suspected a greater reality than classmates who tease him and the girl with pretty eyes in 4th period runecasting.
gellaho
Meet Al
Floygwai
Oh, so we haven't even started the book proper yet? That was just some self-insert demidemon nonsense?
Badgerman
Oh my god it's another fucking nerd
FancyShark
Never quote other people's works in your own unless you're prepared for comparisons
1000 Space GDCs
teenagers, right?
Badgerman
He's the only soldier who reads
1000 Space GDCs
definitely the only soldier that calls it excrement
FancyShark
Al Larson vs evil hellspawn. Are we sure this ISN'T Todd MacFarlane?
gellaho
Al gets asked about his book and immediately starts spiraling
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Nam would have been so much more interesting if dragons were involved.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
not enough cuckoldry
Badgerman
I keep thinking she named this guy Al Jolson. Maybe it's because of the isekai elfface later
FancyShark
oh jesus, he's reading about theology to be smart. The Vietcong might have been on the right side
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You dont belong in the military if a corporal can reduce you to tears.
Floygwai
"I won't allow any smart-asses in this unit, son! Forty push-ups! NO KNEES THIS TIME!"
gellaho
Fisher makes a great point
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I mean
Badgerman
This dude started going on a rant about atheism and when told to stop immediately started crying. So your average r/atheist
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck I hate him already.
Badgerman
More than they were already, anyway
Floygwai
He's speed-running getting his dick punched
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He would definitely "accidentally" catch some friendly fire.
gellaho
So, they go out and immediately everyone else dies
Brendan
I would prefer to read about Odin's revenant berserker legion.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"Trap" he's talking about Loki
FancyShark
The lesson? Do your damn homework, kids
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE
Brendan
"Loosed an oath."
"Bring her on and let her scream!" --Twain
1000 Space GDCs
I'm glad we met those characters
Badgerman
This could have been a buddy cop enemies to friends adventure about a Viet Cong and a US Marine trapped in Norse fantasy land fighting to get home and instead its about bullying nerds
gellaho
There goes Gavin
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"Fucknuggets," specifically
Brendan
Bullying nerds like Nixon and Kissinger is how we ended up in Vietnam.
Badgerman
Yeah, he clutched his gun like a teddy bear, the fucking wimp
gellaho
This is the first (but not the last!) time she infantilizes a soldier. In this book dedicated to soldiers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Welp. Gavin wont be enriching the sex workers of Saigon anymore.
Brendan
Honestly, Al, 60,000 Americans died and you're not one of them.
Badgerman
We refuse to recognize your contributions to the war. There were none.
FancyShark
Can we follow Gary Larson instead?
Badgerman
Holy shit please
gellaho
And he decides to go out embracing a dead mythology he barely read about
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats like 30 9\11s!
Badgerman
And that's terrible.
1000 Space GDCs
Al died, accomplishing nothing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You picked Freyr? DORK!
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I would've gone with Chrom myself
Floygwai
Oh contraire, mon Freyr
gellaho
And turned into an elf
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mighty Thor at least you imperialist cuck.
Badgerman
He really is the guy that just goes into the old religions to be hip and different
FancyShark
This would rule if it turned out a different religion was the right one and they heard Larson pull this shit
Badgerman
Namedropping the Vulcans is a hard confirm on the dorkery
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Zoroaster gave him pointy ears as a prank
FancyShark
"Wait! Vulcan! That's who I should have prayed to!"
gellaho
Freyr is very helpful
Badgerman
Speaking in my professional capacity as a dork
Floygwai
This is the part where it hard-cuts to that football fantasy thing with Tiny Tim in it we saw a few weeks back, right?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah hes a knife eared dork now!
Badgerman
Wait, you can just call gods by name and they'll pay attention to you?
Like I can just scream into the night for Hermes to bring me a cheese pizza?
1000 Space GDCs
Calling out to a god means they get to send you on quests
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Freyr hasnt had anyone to talk to aside from his sister for centuries.
gellaho
"And fuck you for asking"
I got you Rachel for Christmas
yeah but Athena does not like being bugged for chess tips
Badgerman
THE WHITE CHRIST
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Call you up Dionysus, he knows how to party.
FancyShark
This author yada yadas at a breakneck pace
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Jesus, famously the only white man in the middle east
gellaho
How video game of you, Miriam
Badgerman
Honestly acknowledging that the White Evangelical Jesus perversion is a thing is a bold fucking move from this book
FancyShark
Miriam, you had a chance to set up a whole mythology and you went with a tutorial quest prompt?
Brendan
My first instinct is to always touch my ears when I wake up in doeskin, a leather I definitely recognize on sight.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She might as well have had him say "It's dangerous to go alone, take this."
gellaho
He finds a pond, and is very concerned about his hair
Floygwai
Okay good, so now we're in a superflat Minecraft map
wait never mind
Brendan
Ahura Mazda rules as far as sky-dad gods go.
FancyShark
I'm glad he got over the brutal massacre of his whole platoon so quickly
Badgerman
I like his cars
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Anybody but zeus
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They were assholes anyway.
gellaho
"And I was so swole!"
Floygwai
How could Nick Swardson adapt this story and fuck it up that badly?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A real king dork would have called out to Ishtar in his hour of need.
gellaho
Oh, no, he definitely didn't
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which is how I plan to go.
Badgerman
This dork probably put on like half a centimeter of muscle and called it "tone"
gellaho
Dragon time!
Brendan
Classic Freyr: saves your life but refuses to tell you shit. You know what they say. Southern gods are nice but not helpful. Norse gods are helpful but not nice.
FancyShark
"Many painful hours" means "did five pushups a day"
1000 Space GDCs
Being turned into a hot twink elf is causing from confusing feelings in Al
I got you Rachel for Christmas
some people get all the luck
FancyShark
This is very isekai, it has to be said
gellaho
And you'll never guess who he runs into immediately
Badgerman
"Among the trees, I can maneuver. It cannot" is definitely a thought I would have while running from a dragon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man he fucked up, he should have rung up Odin. He'd be feasting in Valhalla right now and not wandering around the woods.
FancyShark
"Wealth beyond measure, outlander"
gellaho
Bramin is a master of subtlety
Badgerman
Oh my god please tell me we're building up to a tortured race relations metaphor with this Defiant Ones bullshit
1000 Space GDCs
i know, let's hide from the fire breathing dragon among the firewood
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Spoiler: he escapes the dr-dr-dragon but is cornered by a p-p-pirate ghost
JAVO THE ALMIGHTY
Kind of a weird thing but look at how many times she writes Larson here.
FancyShark
The Dark One is a cop?
gellaho
I think Miriam forgot Al is supposed to be not Olde-timey
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Of course he IMMEDIATELY forgets what the god told him, IE KEEP YOUR FUCKING SWORD.
Badgerman
Nah that's just how dweebs talk
Brendan
Yeah, smart move. You might get sex, death, sex or death, or sex and death.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You were getting death as it is. You might as well get laid.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"Halt, idiot! Ye hast been drafted into the war against the dwarves, who have attempted to join the union of guilds, our enemy nation!"
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Honestly no bad options
Brendan
This firebreathing dragon is thwarted by wood.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And Ishtar has beer.
gellaho
And who is the second person Al runs into in this Norse Fantasyland?
Badgerman
It's just good writing
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I've done it
gellaho
A ninja samurai, of course
FancyShark
White Christ?
oh
Brendan
Or he'd be a zombie with a battle mallet.
Badgerman
Now now, it could be Frank Dux, so you might not be wrong
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And hes a wizard too.
FancyShark
He found a person that's like a samurai with a sword like a...you know what, fuck it. Samurai
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This guy went ham on the multiclassing.
1000 Space GDCs
Miriam is basing all the imagery in this book on the figurines on her shelf
gellaho
As you might have guessed, Al immediately panics seeing an Asian man
Brendan
Sorry, I am just now catching up. You scooped me good.
FancyShark
The "party members first meet each other" bit is always awkward
Floygwai
This For Honor expansion is the weirdest one yet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pfft this old dork hasnt read the Monster Manual yet.
Of COURSE they dont all spit fire.
gellaho
Seems to get over it pretty quickly though
Badgerman
I like the attempt to delicately describe the Asian man's epicanthic folds right after throwing out the S-word
gellaho
Anyway, exploding ninja stars
FancyShark
DM let each player make their characters with whatever books they owned
Floygwai
Now I'm just picturing this dragon being ridden by Ms. Frizzle
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha ninja samurai wizard rules.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hot.
Brendan
No, he threw the sword to Bramin.
gellaho
Miriam doesn't explain this, but apparently Kensei is either his race or profession or something
Floygwai
After he casts a frost spell
gellaho
She just randomly starts calling him "the Kensei"
FancyShark
It's definitely a character class
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah she made him a sword saint, Miriam is a weeb first class.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Yeah it's a monk archetype i think
Badgerman
Kensei
Galinar
gellaho
Wakka wakka
FancyShark
Can that accent mangle that name? @Brendan , you're in the Bronx, right?
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Brendan rumbles constantly
gellaho
Are you ready for the weirdest way to describe cannibalism?
I got you Rachel for Christmas
pleasured by manflesh is what i call
gellaho
That's how people from the Bronx think
1000 Space GDCs
PLEASURED BY MANFLESH
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Miriam is a Tolkien nerd too. I see you Miriam.
Badgerman
Hahaha the twinkification is moving so quickly
FancyShark
"Pleasured by manflesh" is no-
hahaha, scooped by Rachel
I got you Rachel for Christmas
you know whatz nevermind, i call nothing that
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Ohhhh this is sissy hypnosis porn
Brendan
Yeah, I live in a Bronx accent stronghold and this is making my day. I'm just picturing the guys from the bar "Would yiz radda get called a loser or a lowlife?"
gellaho
Time for the first of endless Vietnam flashbacks!
Badgerman
For the troops!
I got you Rachel for Christmas
@Sigma Science Fox Djonin this bookcage is for you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NINJA sissy hypnosis porn, so it genuinely is.
Brendan
Kin-SAY GAY-lin-nah
Floygwai
It is becoming nigh-on impossible to not remove this sentence from its context
Badgerman
Whomst amogus would turn away a ninja sissy in their hour of need
Brendan
geddim a cuppa cawfee
FancyShark
Getting haunted by Nam flashbacks is weird when you spent the whole war reading
gellaho
Oh, no, not Danny!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lucky him, soon he's going to have a whole NEW brand of PTSD, the kind you get from medieval warfare and dragonfear.
Badgerman
Dragelin, Gaelinar, Bramin, and….
Danny
gellaho
For the troops
FancyShark
So Miriam's gift to the troops is "cliched fantasy fanfic mixed with PTSD triggers"
Brendan
Can't believe they're not eating dragon.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Ninja Turtles did take some iteration before they hit on the right vibe.
gellaho
Merlin was famously Asian
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She watched Ralph Bakshi's Wizards, apparently.
Brendan
His FISTS
Floygwai
Now I'm just picturing an episode of Fixer Upper where they're just rebuilding someone's house except they're building around a guy who got impaled on a wood pole in the center of the room
Brendan
were clenched against SWEAT
which ran like BLOOD
Floygwai
Why am I having a thought like this? I swear, this is the last time I poke my head into book dorks
FancyShark
I assume you're taking copious notes
Brendan
My notes flow copiously in my fists, like blood, which is like sweat
gellaho
Time for the beautiful and perfect white woman to reenter the picture
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"This kindly old Japanese man reminded Al of Merlin, who coincidentally was the Son of the Devil sometimes."
Brendan
It will be amusing to watch your struggles as you try to mentally exit this channel.
You may leave book-dorks but book doorks will never leave you.
gellaho
Hey, Slime
gellaho
I mean, Silme
FancyShark
Larson wants to slime Silme
ugh, dammit, I'll see myself out
Badgerman
Hope Larson doesn't set off the Secret Silme Action
gellaho
I wonder what character Miriam likes the most
Badgerman
Even the author is tired of this nerd
Brendan
More than whaaaaaa wait
Floygwai
'Just in case you forgot, fuck this guy'
FancyShark
Larson, Virgin of Vietnam will be right back after these messages!
gellaho
Swordlord
Brendan
He's looking at Silme the way Silme tricked her brother into looking at that Princess he murdered.
Badgerman
Swordlword
gellaho
Al can extrapolate this whole world based on the three people he's met
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wordslord?
Brendan
"Don't necromansplain me, bub" sneered Silme.
FancyShark
DM: "Swordlord isn't a class, Larson"
Larson: "Shut up! Yes it is! It's a fighter but he's really good with swords!"
Gaelinar: "That's a Kensei"
Larson: "Shuh up, Gaelin! It's totally different!"
Floygwai
Slowdorrd
gellaho
You just don't understand how perfect Miria-Silme is
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Slorddorw?