FancyShark
I'm saving this to confuse the shit out of Future Me
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I'm saving this to confuse the shit out of Future Me
Okay, in my reimagining Vidarr the sword is voiced by Scott
Just a lot of fun all over
"glamor of espionage?" you're going to nam, not MI6.
You can sure subject this audience to the consequences of flashback
Forget that, time to adopt Brendor
When he comes back out of the flashback he realizes he's gutted silme like a VC
I mean volunteering to enlist is the second best idea, if you volunteer you can choose where to deploy. Lot of guys spent the war in Korea behind a desk.
But yeah guy you kind of must have since you volunteered and went to Vietnam.
This guy's been in Narnia, what, a week?
And, you know what? What about another hug
Adopt brendor? Even you can do better, Lars-SHAVE!
He's like that girl who spends spring break in Ibiza and comes back with a catalan lisp.
MAY THEY FIND AN UNCONDEMNING WORLD
Well, at least the sword can prevent his flashbacks now
This tells me Miriam has dated a lot of flaccid men
Yeah Brendor is sure going to endanger himself with his magic that grows hair and turns things into soap.
Gee i wonder why
"Chocolate-stained child"? He's flashing back to a bake sale?
Doesn't he psychically fling straight razors?
Larson should be grateful he died before he could learn what happens in Cambodia over the next couple years.
After pledging to raise Brendor, they immediately leave him with a blacksmith in some town
"Your parents sold you to protect you ๐๏ธ๐๐๏ธ"
"I will never leave you, my child! Except right now until you're an adult. WIZARD!"
Now they are going to an oracle. Larson has a bad dream about that
Pfft Sigurdhr doesnt date much if he thinks axes or horseshoes dont do it for ladies.
Larson has bad dreams about putting his underwear on in the morning
I love a good axe
That dream goes right into a flashback
Axes, horseshoes, and cheese. Thats the best way to get a lady to like you.
They've obviously never been to a bachelorette party at a winery.
Dear fucking god, this writer has one trick.
Hunh. Today I learned people were saying yo that far back.
Woah woah woah
Brendor Palpatine? no, no...Brendor SKYWALKER
Larsson has friends?
This time he gets to actually experience his own death
he still has bits in his hair
The only name stupider than Silme? Schmee
His blood ran like sweat.
M-16s arent that heavy anyway, Larson. You just suck.
Part of me hoped he died by slipping and hitting his head on a log
Threw the pin instead of the grenade
On the way, it looks like that scamp Brendor has followed them
Wait, this means Miriam's gift to the veterans is the hero dying in the nightmare every soldier feared would become reality
Had his back walls blown out by a VC sniper.
"I promise not to hit you." Father of the Year
He turns into an elf in a fantasy world though so it's okay. It's an upgrade even!
Looking a little worse for wear
"Brendor I promise not to beat the mortal shit out of you like you obviously deserve right now if you come withing beating distance."
Not a dick upgrade tho.
so what the fuck was the point of the scene with the blacksmith?
It was for Al
Filler
If we can't confront our fears in a safe way, we'll never become the sleek elf knight who fucks our enemy's sister in front of him of our dreams.
Silme starts attacking the child
Headshot
And that kid is d-e-a-d
Hahahahaha Slime is the true hero
"Haha i said i wouldn't hit you, i didnt say my wizard girlfriend wouldn't fireball your bitchass!"
Chocolate flashback
Pull the pin, shoot the child
Save the world
Things not great in reality either
Twenty times. He counted.
Ugh the second season of this book is going to suck
"Yeah, I know. Calling you a hero was sarcasm."
Holy shit I didn't notice "a god who believes in them" until now
What the fuck Miriam
She showed her hand early
Cmon Larson, whoms amongst us hasnt lunged at their girlfriend with a knife a time or two because they woke us up in the night and we had a flashback?
Jesus thinks vietnam vets are pussies
Sorry that was insensitive
Brendor shall be the first (and last) of our children!
And, of course, Silme who is perfect and right in all things, had no way of saving the child they just decided to raise
I mean, White Christ thinks vietnam vets are pussies
No it wasn't. You read it in a book.
No, that's Orange Christ.
Dont beat yourself up for that, Larson. Beat yourself up because you suck and volunteered for a war to keep a colonial oppressor in place.
The unending compassion to kill our adopted son
"Children have to die, Larson. Otherwise, you'll never be a hero."
Bramin is kind of a shitty wizard tho if this is his best effort.
This is why adoption in the real world is such a process. They've read this book.
Poor Brendor. He never even grew old enough to SHAVE!
Gaelinar thinks this is a great opportunity for a joke
CAn confirm. They really dont like it when you can shoot arcane energies at adopted children.
I think you'll find that's "unbounding compassion"
Tonight, Brendor SHAVE!s in Hel.
Oh sweet, time to kill silme
(I'm prouder of this than i should be)
THIS IS ONLY CHAPTER 6
AAIIIEEEEEEEEEE
It was excellent so you should be.
@Badgerman , quoting the editor
There are only 7
Oh thank god
Thank FUCK.
And they are shorter than the rest
Anyway, they go to see the Oracle
Leave
That's a weird way of structuring a book
Two trips to the Oracle?
Aw. I was hoping for a trilogy of sobbing Larson stories
Then go back
Man what more information do you really need?!
Forgot his wallet
I guess Miriam didnt want to add in BUGSLAYER and TIMESLAYER chapters
child broke how fix
The oracle was actually dead the whole time! Who couldst believe
Also all of these are titles for Warhammer novels, except Childslayer.
That's Warhammer fanfic
She had to die, she had too many eye for an oracle
pizza's here. Well met, questers. Sorry about the DEAD CHILDREN FLASHBACK
They havent gotten to having Gotrek Gurnisson cut a kid wizard in half but it would be rpetty rad.
Give it time
Pizza hard, @Brendan !
Oooh pizza!
Love you Brendor, SHAVE a slice for me
Silme uses the oracle's stone to communicate with Vidarr
Larson clears his mind with French, because that is the code of every book
Every female author I've read must include French, for reasons I do not understand
Speaking of colonial oppressors
Hon hon hon, ze French iz ze language of ze amour.
Well then
Time for some Giant Women
Mais bien sรปr, c'est pas pour toi.
Hey, it IS a Warhammer book!
Just saying. Come up behind your partner, and whisper in their ear "Omlette du fromage." in a sexy voice.
Ohohohon all of ze Al Larsen's suffering, eet eez ahr fault and zee American 'istory books will not even mention us!
FUCK YEAH GIANT WOMEN!
Holy shit Future's in this book?
They don't really have a lot of information
again, not news
Really seems like you could have just said, "Stab Bramin"
Thank you for explaining who you are to the dickhead who read a mythology book and is surrounded by people that should know all the stories about you
Miriam knew she wanted the Norns up in but didnt have the brains to think of a cryptic prophecy.
Ughhh whenever these fantasy books start into the past and future shit my eyes glaze over
The hero's epic quest: Cut a bitch
Time to drag Silme and a god into his flashbacks
"We should totally just stab Bramin"
I read "blood-red afterburners" as "blood-red hamburgers". I might be hungry
Hahahah Miriam is gonna go full Wizards on Slime. Cool.
Ralph Bakshi approves.
But then they just wake up, so whatever
BOOOOO LET SLIME SMELL THE NAPALM DAMMIT!
The Hardy Boys hold tension longer than this
Chet would have been more useful than Al.
We really dont appreciate the Hardy Boys until we get lower.
And now it's dark
Frank and Joe would have thrown Brendor's dead body into a little person by now
It's too complete for darkness because your eyes are closed, dipshit
"Youve been raving in your sleep for days, you dink. Hey, what's an opium?"
"And you kept yelling about "clean boom is expensive" and something about trees."
A strange use of the word "giddy"
"Also those pointy metal dragons I saw were cool as fuck."
I mean, I think we're all giddy at the hope of Larson dying
"But why are your visions always dubbed over with Fortunate Son?"
"BOARD THE SHIP OF DEAD MENS TOENAILS TO SAIL TO THE UNDERWORLD?"
Nice of Bramin to just trap Gaelinar instead of killing him
Never kill the awesome guy when there's still story left
"Larson...........what does "Charlie dont surf." mean?"
Gaelinar failed his reflex save.
Bramin knows talking is a free action, he's got to monologue a bit
Its fine, Hold Person sucks, he will get another one on his next turn.
Vidarr conjures up some knowledge out of nowhere
Which means no swordfight I guess
Ah, Miriam reached the "fuck it" stage of the writing process
Oh thank goodness, I was thinking there would be stakes
"Six inches, the precise size of Al's new elven penis"
There better at least be a sobbing contest
"HEY I NEVER TOLD YOU BUT DONT USE ME FOR SWORD FIGHTING YOU DINK!"
Good news!
Seriously, worst magic sword ever. Get a chocolate one next time, at least you can eat it.
Oooh I'm betting on Al
HAHAHAHA
I'm so fucking glad the hero is fighting harder to not break down crying than he is to beat the baddie.
Chekov's Loser
This is the only way this book could have ended
Gaelinar is having fun
Now's not the time, Slime
She actually said "I loathe you," Al is not a good lipreader.
Gaelinar wasted a lot of time training this dingus to sword fight, when he should have taught him to throw shuriken.
The heroic dick kick
Hahahah thats sweet buttery disadvantage on that concentration roll.
Silme and Bramin share pain now for some reason
Say hello to the red white and blue BALLS, asshole!
keep calling him the "half-breed" Al, white jesus. I hope he kills you before you can have kids.
Well, fuck you too, Miriam
Okay but if you could cast spells why not just turn Larson into a desert rain frog?
Or..........did you prepare for this? This is a weird idea to have.
Alright, so Silme is an idiot
Magic Missile is an auto-targeting spell, Bramin
"Like so if some goober wants to bang my sister but also kill me, he'll have to pick one."
"I know your secret, Larson. I know you weren't feeling tired."
Ph so it was Slime being bad at Wizard, this makes much more sense.
I'd just bang Silme now, the fucks would transfer to Bramin, weirding him tf out.
Great job on that defense stuff, hon.
Dragonheart, But Stupider
This plan really backfired
"Its so horny it just might work!" Says the DM.
"Roll to weird out the wizard."
No hestitation there.
Haha Bramin never considered that the hero has no problem beating up his girlfriend!
"Hey, no downside"
Well, OK then
Not the first time he beat her remember
"Hahahah just yesterday I nearly stabbed her because she made a loud noise."
Larson has never been so turned on
I'm not sure Miriam has ever cried before
She's ice cold already?
No one drilled him like the Kensei
Yeah, fuck you sword master, you're the reason I killed my waifu
This is all your fault
Bad circulation or she really couldn't wait to get away from him
That's the name of the book!
Fucking finally
Hahaha fuck off, book
Blueballing us with the godslaying
Vidarr is still a sword btw
Lol I once watched a movie with this exact lesson. Tiger kills on instinct, Dragon controls itself. Larson did not heed the teachings of Sensei Doug.
Not really sure why
we've moved up from children to gods
Loki gonna offer him that god bussy to just sit back and let Ragnarok happen.
That's metal.
God(bussy)slayer.
I mean...
They fight for a while
"Our hero really sucks, folks, i can't emphasize that enough."
The last thing I wanted to do tonight was read about Loki obviating
"He's sobbing the whole fight, too"
Hey, Gaelinar got out for some reason
he threw up on his armor, too
Miriam thinks this is so hot
"Loki is having to avoid pressing him too hard just so he wont drop his sword."
Passed his saving throw
Miriam read Campbell's lesser-known follow-up, The Hero's Wandering.
The Hero's Hourslong Cry Session
I guess that's a place to aim for, sure
The Hero's Tantrum
"TASTE MY LIGHTNING FU-SHAVE!"
Loki was unprepared for trickery.
Luckily, our hero was concerned.
Armpit isn't a bad place to stab, but it lacks the cinematic flair of a decapitation
Got im in the armpit of all places.
As he's about to kill Loki, Loki enters his brain
Loki deep dickin your thinkmeats!
IN YOUR HEEEEEAAAAD
IN YOUR HEEEEEEeeeeeeAAAAD
LO KI
LO KI
Oh my god this was about beating Christianity this whole time?
Fuck off.
miriam doesn't understand the phrase "mindfuck"
White christianity, i guess
Okay but...........wait all that seems good? Maybe Larson should lose?
I'm cool with that
Also, this is another dimension, not the past