FancyShark
I'm saving this to confuse the shit out of Future Me
81: Godslayer Mickey Zucker Reichert
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The gods had claimed him for a quest that would lead from the hell of human war to the very gates of Hel!
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Badgerman
Okay, in my reimagining Vidarr the sword is voiced by Scott
gellaho
Just a lot of fun all over
1000 Space GDCs
"glamor of espionage?" you're going to nam, not MI6.
Badgerman
You can sure subject this audience to the consequences of flashback
gellaho
Forget that, time to adopt Brendor
I got you Rachel for Christmas
When he comes back out of the flashback he realizes he's gutted silme like a VC
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean volunteering to enlist is the second best idea, if you volunteer you can choose where to deploy. Lot of guys spent the war in Korea behind a desk.
But yeah guy you kind of must have since you volunteered and went to Vietnam.
Brendan
This guy's been in Narnia, what, a week?
gellaho
And, you know what? What about another hug
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Adopt brendor? Even you can do better, Lars-SHAVE!
Brendan
He's like that girl who spends spring break in Ibiza and comes back with a catalan lisp.
Badgerman
MAY THEY FIND AN UNCONDEMNING WORLD
gellaho
Well, at least the sword can prevent his flashbacks now
FancyShark
This tells me Miriam has dated a lot of flaccid men
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah Brendor is sure going to endanger himself with his magic that grows hair and turns things into soap.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Gee i wonder why
FancyShark
"Chocolate-stained child"? He's flashing back to a bake sale?
Brendan
Doesn't he psychically fling straight razors?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Larson should be grateful he died before he could learn what happens in Cambodia over the next couple years.
gellaho
After pledging to raise Brendor, they immediately leave him with a blacksmith in some town
Badgerman
"Your parents sold you to protect you 👁️👄👁️"
FancyShark
"I will never leave you, my child! Except right now until you're an adult. WIZARD!"
gellaho
Now they are going to an oracle. Larson has a bad dream about that
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pfft Sigurdhr doesnt date much if he thinks axes or horseshoes dont do it for ladies.
Badgerman
Larson has bad dreams about putting his underwear on in the morning
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I love a good axe
gellaho
That dream goes right into a flashback
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Axes, horseshoes, and cheese. Thats the best way to get a lady to like you.
1000 Space GDCs
They've obviously never been to a bachelorette party at a winery.
Badgerman
Dear fucking god, this writer has one trick.
Brendan
Hunh. Today I learned people were saying yo that far back.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Woah woah woah
Brendan
Brendor Palpatine? no, no...Brendor SKYWALKER
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Larsson has friends?
gellaho
This time he gets to actually experience his own death
gellaho
1000 Space GDCs
he still has bits in his hair
I got you Rachel for Christmas
The only name stupider than Silme? Schmee
Brendan
His blood ran like sweat.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
M-16s arent that heavy anyway, Larson. You just suck.
FancyShark
Part of me hoped he died by slipping and hitting his head on a log
Badgerman
Threw the pin instead of the grenade
gellaho
On the way, it looks like that scamp Brendor has followed them
FancyShark
Wait, this means Miriam's gift to the veterans is the hero dying in the nightmare every soldier feared would become reality
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Had his back walls blown out by a VC sniper.
FancyShark
"I promise not to hit you." Father of the Year
Badgerman
He turns into an elf in a fantasy world though so it's okay. It's an upgrade even!
gellaho
Looking a little worse for wear
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Brendor I promise not to beat the mortal shit out of you like you obviously deserve right now if you come withing beating distance."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Not a dick upgrade tho.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
so what the fuck was the point of the scene with the blacksmith?
Badgerman
It was for Al
FancyShark
Filler
Brendan
If we can't confront our fears in a safe way, we'll never become the sleek elf knight who fucks our enemy's sister in front of him of our dreams.
gellaho
Silme starts attacking the child
Badgerman
Headshot
gellaho
And that kid is d-e-a-d
Badgerman
Hahahahaha Slime is the true hero
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"Haha i said i wouldn't hit you, i didnt say my wizard girlfriend wouldn't fireball your bitchass!"
gellaho
Chocolate flashback
FancyShark
Pull the pin, shoot the child
Badgerman
Save the world
gellaho
Things not great in reality either
FancyShark
Twenty times. He counted.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Ugh the second season of this book is going to suck
gellaho
FancyShark
"Yeah, I know. Calling you a hero was sarcasm."
Badgerman
Holy shit I didn't notice "a god who believes in them" until now
What the fuck Miriam
FancyShark
She showed her hand early
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cmon Larson, whoms amongst us hasnt lunged at their girlfriend with a knife a time or two because they woke us up in the night and we had a flashback?
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Jesus thinks vietnam vets are pussies
Sorry that was insensitive
Brendan
Brendor shall be the first (and last) of our children!
gellaho
And, of course, Silme who is perfect and right in all things, had no way of saving the child they just decided to raise
gellaho
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I mean, White Christ thinks vietnam vets are pussies
FancyShark
No it wasn't. You read it in a book.
Brendan
No, that's Orange Christ.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dont beat yourself up for that, Larson. Beat yourself up because you suck and volunteered for a war to keep a colonial oppressor in place.
gellaho
The unending compassion to kill our adopted son
FancyShark
"Children have to die, Larson. Otherwise, you'll never be a hero."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bramin is kind of a shitty wizard tho if this is his best effort.
FancyShark
This is why adoption in the real world is such a process. They've read this book.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Poor Brendor. He never even grew old enough to SHAVE!
gellaho
Gaelinar thinks this is a great opportunity for a joke
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
CAn confirm. They really dont like it when you can shoot arcane energies at adopted children.
gellaho
gellaho
I think you'll find that's "unbounding compassion"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tonight, Brendor SHAVE!s in Hel.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Oh sweet, time to kill silme
I got you Rachel for Christmas
(I'm prouder of this than i should be)
Badgerman
THIS IS ONLY CHAPTER 6
AAIIIEEEEEEEEEE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was excellent so you should be.
FancyShark
@Badgerman , quoting the editor
gellaho
There are only 7
Badgerman
Oh thank god
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thank FUCK.
gellaho
And they are shorter than the rest
Anyway, they go to see the Oracle
Leave
I got you Rachel for Christmas
That's a weird way of structuring a book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Two trips to the Oracle?
FancyShark
Aw. I was hoping for a trilogy of sobbing Larson stories
gellaho
Then go back
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man what more information do you really need?!
Badgerman
Forgot his wallet
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I guess Miriam didnt want to add in BUGSLAYER and TIMESLAYER chapters
FancyShark
child broke how fix
gellaho
The oracle was actually dead the whole time! Who couldst believe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also all of these are titles for Warhammer novels, except Childslayer.
FancyShark
That's Warhammer fanfic
I got you Rachel for Christmas
She had to die, she had too many eye for an oracle
Brendan
pizza's here. Well met, questers. Sorry about the DEAD CHILDREN FLASHBACK
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They havent gotten to having Gotrek Gurnisson cut a kid wizard in half but it would be rpetty rad.
Badgerman
Give it time
FancyShark
Pizza hard, @Brendan !
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oooh pizza!
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Love you Brendor, SHAVE a slice for me
gellaho
Silme uses the oracle's stone to communicate with Vidarr
gellaho
Larson clears his mind with French, because that is the code of every book
Every female author I've read must include French, for reasons I do not understand
Badgerman
Speaking of colonial oppressors
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hon hon hon, ze French iz ze language of ze amour.
gellaho
Well then
gellaho
Time for some Giant Women
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Mais bien sûr, c'est pas pour toi.
FancyShark
Hey, it IS a Warhammer book!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just saying. Come up behind your partner, and whisper in their ear "Omlette du fromage." in a sexy voice.
Badgerman
Ohohohon all of ze Al Larsen's suffering, eet eez ahr fault and zee American 'istory books will not even mention us!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
FUCK YEAH GIANT WOMEN!
Badgerman
Holy shit Future's in this book?
gellaho
They don't really have a lot of information
1000 Space GDCs
again, not news
gellaho
Really seems like you could have just said, "Stab Bramin"
FancyShark
Thank you for explaining who you are to the dickhead who read a mythology book and is surrounded by people that should know all the stories about you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Miriam knew she wanted the Norns up in but didnt have the brains to think of a cryptic prophecy.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Ughhh whenever these fantasy books start into the past and future shit my eyes glaze over
FancyShark
The hero's epic quest: Cut a bitch
gellaho
Time to drag Silme and a god into his flashbacks
Badgerman
"We should totally just stab Bramin"
FancyShark
I read "blood-red afterburners" as "blood-red hamburgers". I might be hungry
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Miriam is gonna go full Wizards on Slime. Cool.
Ralph Bakshi approves.
gellaho
But then they just wake up, so whatever
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
BOOOOO LET SLIME SMELL THE NAPALM DAMMIT!
FancyShark
The Hardy Boys hold tension longer than this
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Chet would have been more useful than Al.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We really dont appreciate the Hardy Boys until we get lower.
gellaho
And now it's dark
Badgerman
Frank and Joe would have thrown Brendor's dead body into a little person by now
FancyShark
It's too complete for darkness because your eyes are closed, dipshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Youve been raving in your sleep for days, you dink. Hey, what's an opium?"
"And you kept yelling about "clean boom is expensive" and something about trees."
gellaho
A strange use of the word "giddy"
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also those pointy metal dragons I saw were cool as fuck."
FancyShark
I mean, I think we're all giddy at the hope of Larson dying
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"But why are your visions always dubbed over with Fortunate Son?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"BOARD THE SHIP OF DEAD MENS TOENAILS TO SAIL TO THE UNDERWORLD?"
gellaho
Nice of Bramin to just trap Gaelinar instead of killing him
FancyShark
Never kill the awesome guy when there's still story left
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Larson...........what does "Charlie dont surf." mean?"
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Gaelinar failed his reflex save.
1000 Space GDCs
Bramin knows talking is a free action, he's got to monologue a bit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its fine, Hold Person sucks, he will get another one on his next turn.
gellaho
Vidarr conjures up some knowledge out of nowhere
gellaho
Which means no swordfight I guess
FancyShark
Ah, Miriam reached the "fuck it" stage of the writing process
Badgerman
Oh thank goodness, I was thinking there would be stakes
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"Six inches, the precise size of Al's new elven penis"
FancyShark
There better at least be a sobbing contest
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"HEY I NEVER TOLD YOU BUT DONT USE ME FOR SWORD FIGHTING YOU DINK!"
gellaho
Good news!
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Seriously, worst magic sword ever. Get a chocolate one next time, at least you can eat it.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Oooh I'm betting on Al
FancyShark
HAHAHAHA
Badgerman
I'm so fucking glad the hero is fighting harder to not break down crying than he is to beat the baddie.
FancyShark
Chekov's Loser
Badgerman
This is the only way this book could have ended
gellaho
Gaelinar is having fun
FancyShark
Now's not the time, Slime
I got you Rachel for Christmas
She actually said "I loathe you," Al is not a good lipreader.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gaelinar wasted a lot of time training this dingus to sword fight, when he should have taught him to throw shuriken.
gellaho
The heroic dick kick
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah thats sweet buttery disadvantage on that concentration roll.
gellaho
Silme and Bramin share pain now for some reason
FancyShark
Say hello to the red white and blue BALLS, asshole!
I got you Rachel for Christmas
keep calling him the "half-breed" Al, white jesus. I hope he kills you before you can have kids.
gellaho
Well, fuck you too, Miriam
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but if you could cast spells why not just turn Larson into a desert rain frog?
Or..........did you prepare for this? This is a weird idea to have.
gellaho
Alright, so Silme is an idiot
FancyShark
Magic Missile is an auto-targeting spell, Bramin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Like so if some goober wants to bang my sister but also kill me, he'll have to pick one."
FancyShark
"I know your secret, Larson. I know you weren't feeling tired."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ph so it was Slime being bad at Wizard, this makes much more sense.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I'd just bang Silme now, the fucks would transfer to Bramin, weirding him tf out.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Great job on that defense stuff, hon.
FancyShark
Dragonheart, But Stupider
gellaho
This plan really backfired
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Its so horny it just might work!" Says the DM.
"Roll to weird out the wizard."
1000 Space GDCs
No hestitation there.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Haha Bramin never considered that the hero has no problem beating up his girlfriend!
FancyShark
"Hey, no downside"
gellaho
Well, OK then
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Not the first time he beat her remember
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah just yesterday I nearly stabbed her because she made a loud noise."
FancyShark
Larson has never been so turned on
gellaho
I'm not sure Miriam has ever cried before
I got you Rachel for Christmas
She's ice cold already?
FancyShark
No one drilled him like the Kensei
Badgerman
Yeah, fuck you sword master, you're the reason I killed my waifu
This is all your fault
FancyShark
Bad circulation or she really couldn't wait to get away from him
gellaho
FancyShark
That's the name of the book!
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Fucking finally
Badgerman
Hahaha fuck off, book
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Blueballing us with the godslaying
gellaho
Vidarr is still a sword btw
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol I once watched a movie with this exact lesson. Tiger kills on instinct, Dragon controls itself. Larson did not heed the teachings of Sensei Doug.
gellaho
Not really sure why
1000 Space GDCs
we've moved up from children to gods
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Loki gonna offer him that god bussy to just sit back and let Ragnarok happen.
Brendan
That's metal.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God(bussy)slayer.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
I mean...
gellaho
They fight for a while
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"Our hero really sucks, folks, i can't emphasize that enough."
Badgerman
The last thing I wanted to do tonight was read about Loki obviating
I got you Rachel for Christmas
"He's sobbing the whole fight, too"
gellaho
Hey, Gaelinar got out for some reason
1000 Space GDCs
he threw up on his armor, too
FancyShark
Miriam thinks this is so hot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Loki is having to avoid pressing him too hard just so he wont drop his sword."
Badgerman
Passed his saving throw
Brendan
Miriam read Campbell's lesser-known follow-up, The Hero's Wandering.
Badgerman
The Hero's Hourslong Cry Session
gellaho
I guess that's a place to aim for, sure
FancyShark
The Hero's Tantrum
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"TASTE MY LIGHTNING FU-SHAVE!"
I got you Rachel for Christmas
Loki was unprepared for trickery.
1000 Space GDCs
Luckily, our hero was concerned.
FancyShark
Armpit isn't a bad place to stab, but it lacks the cinematic flair of a decapitation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Got im in the armpit of all places.
gellaho
As he's about to kill Loki, Loki enters his brain
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Loki deep dickin your thinkmeats!
FancyShark
IN YOUR HEEEEEAAAAD
IN YOUR HEEEEEEeeeeeeAAAAD
LO KI
LO KI
Badgerman
Oh my god this was about beating Christianity this whole time?
Fuck off.
I got you Rachel for Christmas
miriam doesn't understand the phrase "mindfuck"
I got you Rachel for Christmas
White christianity, i guess
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but...........wait all that seems good? Maybe Larson should lose?
FancyShark
I'm cool with that
1000 Space GDCs
Also, this is another dimension, not the past