83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

gellaho

Senior Tutor Elmore Grant brought this team together, and now we get to learn how

gellaho

It's time for a lot of flashbacks! Weeeee

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Love a good Senior Tutor Elmore.

Elmore is such a 50s nerd name.

Badgerman

Extremely odd way to structure this book. Almost like he wrote the whole thing in Scrivener and forgot to drag and drop all the scenes into their proper places before hitting publish

gellaho

But first: science legs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is a man who can kill you with his pocket protector, assuming his asthma meds hold out.

FancyShark

The first assignment at Spy High is learning how to cover up the fact that you were a student at Spy High

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They can grow synthetic bones and skin but not nerve tissue?

Why would you even bother?

Badgerman

Galling that Senior Tutor Elmore Grant expects to be on a full name basis with the reader. I mean he's no Major Major Major Major

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Senior Tutor Elmore is the recruitment officer in Starship Troopers.

FancyShark

We interrupt your horny teen book to talk about phantom limb syndrome

gellaho

Little weird to single Callie out like that when there are only six people in the team. I'm sure that won't be important

FancyShark

It really is a BK Kids Club

Brendan

Oh shit, we have a STEELE!

Agent of Fortune

"Jennifer Chen, Asian American, not really important what type though "

FancyShark

Jennifer's secret is she's a mass of insects in a skin suit

gellaho

But first, Senior Tutor thought hate would really help out the team dynamics

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its great all these kids are spies and so we dont have to endure the book telling us the Asian girl knows kung fu.

Badgerman

"…Cally Case, who Senior Tutor Elmore Trent was sure had only skated through thanks to affirmative action.."

Agent of Fortune

Oh THAT'S why she was so punch happy in chapter one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Maybe, Ben and Jake should kiss. Just to see what happens?

Brendan

"Her dreadlocks an act of defiance" is both like...true and also a troubling suggestion of 2060 sociopolitics

gellaho

Meet Ben. He's a rich asshole

Badgerman

Depending on where you are it's already a troubling sociopolitical suggestion right now

FancyShark

Jake: Trust us, he's a rebel. He's so cool and awesome.

Badgerman

Bankers make the best spies

They steal more secrets than anyone

gellaho

But before we learn more about Ben, let's hear about a child's brain melting

FancyShark

Results were deemed "oopsie"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You cant make a brain implant without melting a few children.

Badgerman

What price Radar Vision?

CaptainBadguy

I'm just here, but I feel the author felt "spy high" was a commercial decision in what he otherwise thinks is serious literature

FancyShark

His brain melted because the boosters were two V12 engines strapped to his skull

Brendan

That's why it's troubling to be not corrected in 40 years. White people are still out here dictating what "professional" hair looks like. Sorry, but I only take style tips from men with real human penises.

CaptainBadguy

Oh I have missed this.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They kept spitting nitro into his nose but he just choked.

gellaho

Ben's a selfish dick head. Are we supposed to like him? Who knows!

Badgerman

He ran like a pass receiver rushing for a field goal

CaptainBadguy

Narcissism is a prerequisite to true heroism

FancyShark

Bankers love having their heirs train to get shot at

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And was instantly tackled and sent to the hospital with a fractured spine." will not be appearing in this novel.

Badgerman

Also weirdly singling out Willie Liebowitz in this inner monologue. There something you not telling us at sensitivity training, Ben?

CaptainBadguy

He did the thing he was good at.

gellaho

WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME RANDOM MAN

FancyShark

Bow before Ben the Banker

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That one man was the father he never knew.

Brendan

I mean as long as her bangs aren't defiant, who cares?

CaptainBadguy

Hailing, hooting, hoisting and hootananying

Badgerman

And he showed up just to pooh pooh on his big high school game winning moment. Chad move tbh

gellaho

Some more sexual innuendo for the kids

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Teens love in you end o.

FancyShark

Elastic lips

CaptainBadguy

Elastic lips are so stretchy

FancyShark

Which means either Ben's packing or Della has bungee cords for a mouth. I know which answer I choose

gellaho

"I have decided that you are a bad team mate. Would you please join my elite team?"

CaptainBadguy

It's not a sex thing. It's just fun to pull them down to the floor then let go so they slap up.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Della Carey is the name of Bens artificial girlfriend he made from a ham and a pair of sweatpants.

Agent of Fortune

Defiant Dreadlocks is the name of my reggae core band

gellaho

Just some random force fields in the middle of this thought

FancyShark

"They'll make a movie of me some day. It will be called 'Any Steven Seagal Movie'."

CaptainBadguy

Why don't you shove the deveraux academy up your arse while I go get this incredible blowjob from stretchy lips?

Agent of Fortune

Is this the plot of Rise of Cobra

Badgerman

Hahaha force fields so no one can get to the Eiffel Tower. I don't even have a joke, that shit is just hilarious on its own

CaptainBadguy

Past caring

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I will admit its very in keeping with a teen mindset he doesnt think "Why would I need courage to attend a private high school?"

FancyShark

Also what the author was at that moment

Brendan

I put two different flavors of teen brat in the room and thought they'd form a single team. This isn't working, so we must now form the Devil's Triangle.

gellaho

British author, showing his understanding of the American landscape, has placed the entire Midwest under domes

CaptainBadguy

"We need a force field" said the local government official in 2022. "Doesn't mean we'll get one"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I assume they are just going to Manchurian Candidate these kids anyway so it really doesnt matter if Ben is an asshole.

gellaho

Because there was an ecological disaster so great it contaminated "all the food"

But only seems to have affected the midwest?

Brendan

Musk is going to prove that very shortly.

gellaho

I don't know how he thinks putting up domes will help with that, but here we are

FancyShark

Oh jeez, that sure is gonna be a hassle.

Badgerman

You put the crops under the dome to keep the air out, that way the blight can't get in

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair, he did already if you count monkeys.

CaptainBadguy

When was this written?

gellaho

Tens of miles

gellaho

Are you shitting me, AJ?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Nothing ever happens" is great material for a spy, you want them to be able to blend in, and who better to blend in than a midwestern dipshit?

gellaho

Tens of miles = entire midwest

gellaho

2003

Badgerman

Fucking bubble wrap the American Midwest

FancyShark

Hundreds of square blocks

CaptainBadguy

Oh that is disappointing.

Brendan

He'll be fine. The bankers will just ensure they only start wars in countries Ben isn't vacationing in.

gellaho

This guy really understands how farming works

Badgerman

Labeled Tupperware containers for each state

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay but to be fair, we do love us a dome in Iowa.

CaptainBadguy

I feel this guy had a similar childhood to me. Cheap second hand 70's pulp sci fi

Brendan

It'd be a weird movie that glossed over a mysterious man giving him his card in the rain, daring him to become something superhuman in the midst of his life's victory.

Badgerman

Someone pulls out a Kodak and this dude just instantly starts throwing hands

gellaho

You know, the border of the tens of miles that makes up the Midwest

gellaho

Where in the Midwest? Don't worry about it

FancyShark

Ahh, Waukegan

CaptainBadguy

You know I've had a bad year and being a domer sounds great

Brendan

This book is doing Nash AND G.I. Joe.

Badgerman

Better than being a Doomer

gellaho

His victory as a freshman in high school

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I assume the author thinks "Ohio" when he thinks "Midwest."

FancyShark

They're gonna make a movie about him someday!

CaptainBadguy

The Border Zone is one shanty town right?

What is the geometry of this shanty town? I assume it's fractal.

Badgerman

You're passing through a realm of boredom. A dimension of nothing but cornfields on cornfields on cornfields. Your next stop: The Border Zone.

gellaho

Midwesterners can't help but be polite

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Excuse me, its SOYBEANS now.

Brendan

I dunno, this whole book is a mixture of shit that's real and Doomers' Omegoomer children.

FancyShark

Helps that Jake only fights epileptics

gellaho

Because the Caribbean has not been affected by this global pollution, I guess

Brendan

Who is Jake beating up and why?

Badgerman

Yeah, and if I have to choose I want that shit kept as far away from me as possible, preferably on the other side of a clear climate controlled dome

gellaho

Just pollution hovering around the American Midwest

CaptainBadguy

Why does this spy outfit need a completely average small town hard kid?

gellaho

People hate people who live in the Dome. For... reasons

Badgerman

The world's oceans, famously resistant to the rigors of climate change

Brendan

All I know is some blond midwestern kid is beating the shit out of "outsiders" which has not historically gone well.

gellaho

Aquatraz, btw

FancyShark

Aquatraz? Go to hell, book

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They hate us for our freedoms.

gellaho

AQUATRAZ

Badgerman

He's the face

Brendan

Dad jokes and better stories elsewhere.

gellaho

He's brunette, thank you very much

Brendan

Can we get the underwater prison breakout story instead? That sounds rad.

FancyShark

Nope. Sorry. My First Spy Novel For Kids

Badgerman

"Something fishy is going on at Aquatraz, kids! 😀"

"That's great, dad, can we call mom to pick us up now?"

"B-but we still have hours of custody time left!"

"Yeah no thanks, AJ."

CaptainBadguy

Is there a sex scene coming up?

Brendan

The Poseidon Schematic: A Deckert Lunge Thriller

Brendan

Depends how many fish are still alive in the Caribbean.

gellaho

Spy High: the good guys?

CaptainBadguy

Can someone link the cover I'm late to the party

Badgerman

Hahaha it's a scam Jedi Order for black ops recruits

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah when I think "Good guys" I deffo think "recruits child soldiers".

CaptainBadguy

Fucking lazy hypnospray

gellaho

Maybe an annoying guy will help

CaptainBadguy

It's always better to promise an education first

FancyShark

Thank god the parents are so invested in their children being special they'd send them away

gellaho

And that's Eddie's backstory

godless juice jakesy

Aquatraz

Badgerman

Senior Selector Tutor Elmore

FancyShark

So Eddie's racing skills are slightly above those of the race car toys that get stuck in the carpet

CaptainBadguy

"He's prodigious with one liners"

"Well fucking sign him up"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Honestly, "special" children are exponentially more annoying. Bens parents would probably agree to have him fired into the sun.

Badgerman

To be fair we already know why Eddie's parents would want to get rid of him just by hearing him talk, don't want to repeat that beat

CaptainBadguy

I feel the recruitment team need a mission statement that's clearer.

gellaho

Brady Bunch were three boys and three girls joining together, so you might have that backwards

FancyShark

"These two want to kill each other. Maybe Eddie being around will change their minds."

Badgerman

I like how these talent agents have been trained to identify proficiency with one-liners

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also didnt two of those kids in the Brady Bunch wanna bang like real hard?

CaptainBadguy

The whole team is shit, that's what's dawning on him.

Badgerman

A very real skill that all secret agent teams need

gellaho

Time for Cally. I'm sure this will be fine

CaptainBadguy

Oh that font

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahaha boy they went there.

CaptainBadguy

My eyes 😱

Brendan

Okay now this is just kidnapping.

Badgerman

Of course, of course, uh huh, uh huh

gellaho

Homeless street criminal, off to a great start

CaptainBadguy

Oh thank god that said homeless

I thought it said homees

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Little girl, let me coopt you into the power structure so you can be on the other side of the boot! Its rad."

Brendan

Are these bros going to POUND FISTS or POUND DOWN, bro?

CaptainBadguy

Bro

FancyShark

"Excuse me, young lady. Are you a bad enough dude to save the president?"

"What?"

gellaho

And an orphan? Cool

Badgerman

How convenient

Brendan

"Greg, at this distance, someone might mistake us for brother and sister."

CaptainBadguy

Oh wow. 2003 you said.

Badgerman

Hahaha he Congoed the shit out of that last line

Brendan

This...is a good idea?

Badgerman

"The unrelated white man was not the homeless hooligan black girl's father. Far from it."

gellaho

But also an elite hacker and roboticist. Because you don't need any resources to do that

CaptainBadguy

'course, I must o' had parents

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man if I had a nickel for every time a black teen girl asked if I was her father I would have a nickel, and thats not nothing.

godless juice jakesy

There's a lot of kids talking like how an adult nerd thinks kids talk here

Badgerman

Cham as in Chameolon is pronounced like Cum

You want to try and walk that one back, AJ?

FancyShark

"You weren't thrown by the spelling of what I said, were you?"

CaptainBadguy

Wow. Please give me the author's name

Brendan

Haha, Brockway sent us an email this week using that reference.

Badgerman

Fuck yeah

gellaho

That's not- what?

Badgerman

Bwuh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Someday I hope to be.

CaptainBadguy

Wait, is it Cham, as in Cham E Leon?

Brendan

"Cally was the only African-American on the team. She was also a criminal" feels like an ardently British take.

CaptainBadguy

Hey fuck you.

gellaho

This team has really worked out

CaptainBadguy

That is a way more American take.

Badgerman

We share the take between our nations. It's part of the special relationship

FancyShark

"How do you know you can't trust me?"

"You're a white adult I've never met"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Also you'll learn how to kill with your bare hands! That part is also really cool! Hey wait, come back! I havent told you about the experimental neurotoxins yet!"

gellaho

The author has grown bored, and will now speed through the last two

gellaho

CaptainBadguy

What is she under arrest for?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Black in public.

Brendan

I'll qualify: an ardently turn-of-the-century, non-London British teacher take.

Brendan

She hacked melanin.

gellaho

"Blah, blah, she's Asian. You get it"

godless juice jakesy

Having a cum chameleon

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Brendan

Hahahaha oh fuck

CaptainBadguy

She was the first girl to get a steady boyfriend, being older than 14

Badgerman

THERE IT IS

Brendan

He's so close to calling Jennifer an inscrutable dominatrix named Pearl or Jade.

Badgerman

WE GOT THERE

I always believed in you, AJ

FancyShark

"She has a mysterious past and shit. I'm a writer."

godless juice jakesy

Apropos of nothing, this books font sucks shit

gellaho

And close it out with some mass teen suicide

godless juice jakesy

Font(s) suck shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

For a second I was hoping Jennifer would be raised by ninjas or something.

CaptainBadguy

Fucking amazing suicide cult

FancyShark

Suicide cult of spontaneous human combustors

CaptainBadguy

Let's base the book on them

Ramb$ne Gracie

she's three ninjas in a teensuit

gellaho

A file that is actually relevant, weird

Badgerman

Dude if I were traumatized by a suicide cult just spontaneously combusting in the park I wouldn't even be mad

CaptainBadguy

What's the emotional baggage of Karate lessons?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

We need to watch Duel to the Death soon.

Ramb$ne Gracie

generically abusive male senseis

Brendan

Now we've got Extremis. This book predicted ALL the sci-fi.

Badgerman

Aren't we allowed to just assume Mr Deveraux is dead after nine years

FancyShark

We need Rex Moran

gellaho

Welcome to Eddie

CaptainBadguy

I know this writing style, this is the I didn't stop when I got tired of just stream of bullshit writing style

godless juice jakesy

Did the dream team or whatever all kill themselves?

Brendan

Devereux is bigger than the midwest.

godless juice jakesy

I'm confused about who went up in flames

CaptainBadguy

I really want to know more about the teen suicide cult.

Badgerman

Twenties of miles, it goes for

FancyShark

Such a rapier wit. I can see why they recruited him.

godless juice jakesy

Probably because I refuse to read the "ship's log" font

Badgerman

They're from a completely unrelated anecdote as far as we are aware

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I cant read a bunch of it so I assume they faked their teen deaths to be secret squirrels.

gellaho

SkyBike

gellaho

CaptainBadguy

It seems like if teenagers could die, just through an act of will explode, there would be noone in their twenties by now.

CaptainBadguy

It's a torture

Badgerman

Yes, seize your chance to write the name Nelligan on the ledgers of history, kid

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

a sky bike feels like something a teen should not be anywhere near.

FancyShark

Racing in a book is like a drum solo. Only the person doing it thinks it's awesome.

CaptainBadguy

I just squinted so hard I can't see more than 3ft now

gellaho

Hyphens are fun

CaptainBadguy

Christ I hope the author isn't going to give them all airtime.

godless juice jakesy

Lol he thinks Nerd Academy would get him laid

gellaho

The spy school is suitably subtle

CaptainBadguy

Haha I just read the first sentence

Badgerman

"It thrust into the air proudly"

Nope. Go back. Start over. Try again.

FancyShark

Welcome to Hogwarts After Change of Ownership

Badgerman

They got the lease next after Spirit Halloween

CaptainBadguy

It had a big veiny crack running down the side did it?

gellaho

AUTOMATIC DOORS!? SHALL THE WONDERS OF THE FUTURE NEVER CEASE!?

godless juice jakesy

Bela Lugosi, timely reference

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"The public funding for Hogwarts got cut by the Tories and some oligarchs rebranded it."

"We traded the NHS for this? Spy teens and automatic doors? WORTH IT!"