83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

FancyShark

This novel should have been titled "Trope"

CaptainBadguy

If Bela Lugosi had appeared" would have massively improved this novel

gellaho

Have some more Eddie

CaptainBadguy

Eddie, you're so laconic

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You should be able to kill Eddie right now, with a gun, sir. Do it, coward.

Make an example or the teens wont respect you.

Badgerman

They have to keep the grounds so unreasonably huge because Dory the receptionist keeps babbling about all the black ops spy ring shit to anyone who will listen. It's the last line of defense

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Assert your alpha teen status.

gellaho

Legs for the teens

FancyShark

Where did the motormouth smartass trope start? There had to be at least one good one that inspired all the bad ones

CaptainBadguy

What is the mission? Have we got that far?

FancyShark

Groucho?

Badgerman

Probably Groucho, yeah

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Eddie: Secret Cat Fucker.

Badgerman

Khajiit wants nothing to do with this sex pest

CaptainBadguy

She was gorgeous, Chinese American, long tail.

gellaho

This is how fifteen year olds talk

godless juice jakesy

"Mind if I gaze at your snatch?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I feel like its the self insert character for authors who never shut up as kids, but also werent funny. The Dennis Millers of the world.

FancyShark

"So, how about that Great Leap Forward?"

Badgerman

Why didn't he just make all these characters actual young adults if they were going to flirt this often and this badly

CaptainBadguy

The author taught 15 year olds I suspect

gellaho

And some pointless holograms, why not

godless juice jakesy

Oh god this author is just going to fetishize Asian chicks all book huh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

One of them is Tupac.

Badgerman

"Holograms", exposited the receptionist

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Another? Carrie Fisher.

FancyShark

Kinda seems like holograms could render all this spy bullshit obsolete, but you do you, author

Brendan

Pop culture really hit its singularity right before the pollution forced everyone to stop making art and get to work in the 2020s.

CaptainBadguy

Gu-gu-gu-ghosts hopefully cried the audience

Badgerman

I'm so sad we'll never get a Carrie and Tupac buddy cop movie now

gellaho

And a pointless elevator disguised as an office

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Not unless those philistines at Disney answer my letters anyway.

Brendan

This description definitely sidles closer to Jade the Dominatrix vibes.

CaptainBadguy

It even looks like it was written in the 80's. Wow.

Badgerman

"Caressing their keyboards" is just. An awful image

godless juice jakesy

Lol yeah this is just Hogwarts for business majors

CaptainBadguy

It would have been fucking hilarious if grant had just slammed the door on the second person.

gellaho

That does track for Eddie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

CIA training as imagined by Alan Dulles.

CaptainBadguy

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay fuck you, Cartoon Network is not going to be around in 2060

CaptainBadguy

No, We do not get the fucking cartoon network here. Get the fuck out.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Not the GIC that's something different.

FancyShark

"We have acronyms for things that have pointlessly long names"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You just lost me, goodbye suspension of disbelief for this teen spy novel.

Ramb$ne Gracie

garish Italian cock

gellaho

Everything's coming up Eddie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"We are a Nickelodeon school and proud of it, sir!"

gellaho

It's in America

CaptainBadguy

Your thumb is the best thing on that page.

godless juice jakesy

Lol

Badgerman

Disco makes a huge comeback in 2060

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Grandiose Iridescent Crustacean

FancyShark

Information is only gathered here. Analysis, Interpretation, Assembly and Relaying are separate departments

gellaho

Well, cropping didn't work. That's fine

godless juice jakesy

Eddie's about to steal her used gym shorts

Ramb$ne Gracie

Great Industrial Cloaca

gellaho

I am a giant

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

A veritable titan of book stuff.

CaptainBadguy

You're great at astronomy?

gellaho

Look, it's fair. Everyone gets a turn

Brendan

Everything I know about Eddie is all I know about Rupert Harrypotterfriend

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Generally Iridescent Crackers

godless juice jakesy

Lol

Brendan

What's his name? Ron

CaptainBadguy

Hauling a mirror around

FancyShark

Guys, It's Classified

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I really dont like it when the4 author applies the phrase "lissom charms" to 15 year old girls.

Badgerman

Dragging out the most tasteless stereotype of the Irish possible is about right for an English author

godless juice jakesy

"The blonde white girl is also hot, and the black chick has hair"

CaptainBadguy

No plain chicks

gellaho

If you take a shot every time he describes Jake as animalistic, you'd already be dead

CaptainBadguy

Not too much, he might fuck me.

Wait

Brendan

See? Ron Weasley

CaptainBadguy

Every character is a child

Brendan

I think it's mostly from the perspective of horny teen boys.

Badgerman

This is a very Ed Sheeran role tbh

FancyShark

C'mon, Jake. Be a werewolf. Be something other than And The Rest

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Us dome raised midwesterners are so primal, what with living in the wild...........under domes.

Ramb$ne Gracie

just thinking out loud here, but they could have cast someone better

CaptainBadguy

Oh who is the villain.

gellaho

James Bond could be real in this universe for all I know

FancyShark

Crammed into tens of miles of doming

Ramb$ne Gracie

people get their jobs in mysterious ways

godless juice jakesy

Wait it's actually named after James Bond

CaptainBadguy

Cos the author wrote this in a post Alan rickman world but you better believe you're getting a pre Bela Lugosi villain

Badgerman

How cool was that, audience??? 😀

gellaho

Indeedy doodily

godless juice jakesy

I thought it was just going to be a stupid coincidence

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I remember when I brought down my first wild dome fungusaur with a sharp stick and my teeth.

Brendan

This book namedrops disco but worries teens reading a spy novel won't know who 007 is.

Badgerman

Hahaha I think all the team names namedrop fictional spies. Solo is definitely a Man From UNCLE reference

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God I hope James Bond isnt real in any universe.

CaptainBadguy

Oh, how old was the author in 2003

Badgerman

Who fucking runs this school, Star Lord

FancyShark

I remember when there were corn whales as far as the eye could see. Unless it was sunny and you could see the other side of the dome.

gellaho

First conversation went great

godless juice jakesy

That's like naming your books beatnik coffee shop after Jack Kerouac

FancyShark

Or your vomit-stained motel after Charles Bukowski

godless juice jakesy

WAIT THATS SIMON HAWKE'S MUSIC

Brendan

47. How old is that in metric?

Badgerman

Or your vomit-stained motel after Jack Kerouac

gellaho

Time for some teenage sexual betting shenanigans

Badgerman

"female"

CaptainBadguy

25 if he smokes

Badgerman

We got there

Brendan

They didn't even do Flynn!

FancyShark

How to tell the author is a sex pest in the fewest number of letters

gellaho

Just squeeze in some genetic engineering

FancyShark

Genetic squeezin's are the best

Badgerman

I think we can safely say, "what do you think of the boys?"

godless juice jakesy

Ah yes now time for the group shower scene

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"They're 15 year old boys, so they are basically fungoid mutants. Why, what do you think of them?"

godless juice jakesy

Followed by the pillow fight

FancyShark

Women only discuss men when alone. This author gets it.

CaptainBadguy

Who knows what may happen "if genetics gets out of hand"

gellaho

This team is really coming together

FancyShark

Sick burn?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh Lori is the one who will need an IUD and some helpful diagrams before very long.

CaptainBadguy

I wish I had strong brooding features. I think that means a big nose and thick eyebrows

Badgerman

"Oh, they'll think you're so nice, Lori :TheFeasterBunny: "

gellaho

To be fair Lori, those are the only two things you've done so far

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

I read it as 'Jakes strong boring features'

FancyShark

It does? Fuck yeah!

CaptainBadguy

What, that's some tone.

godless juice jakesy

Girls famously go to the secret spy academy to get wifed up

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yay we get to establish TWO negative stereotypes at once!

gellaho

These are the qualities you want in a spy

FancyShark

Sure. That's why every lady spy has a dowry

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Thats efficient!

CaptainBadguy

The tone conveyed Lori was there to find a secret agent boyfriend, get captured and rescued. It was slightly high pitched.

godless juice jakesy

It's why you never hear of women becoming spies for China or Russia, they can't stop getting married during training!

Badgerman

"What foul artifice is this?! Green fire?!?"

Ramb$ne Gracie

it's Big Trouble all over again

Badgerman

God I wish

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jennifer using her ASIAN MAGICS.

Ramb$ne Gracie

David Lo Pan is chasing her

gellaho

This is a rollercoaster ride

godless juice jakesy

Definitely provide the names and locations of your loved ones, that won't backfire in the spy game

gellaho

First rage at National Counselors R Us

FancyShark

If Jennifer morphed into a dragon, I'd ignore the racism because it'd be rad

gellaho

then confusion

Badgerman

Oh fuck what happened to Old Pittsburgh

Am I gonna have to move in a few decades

FancyShark

Still there. People just don't like it.

Badgerman

Oh

Well fuck them too, then

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lori: Kinda stupid. Jennifer: Will cut you if you touch her shit. Callie: Does machines?

CaptainBadguy

Then a hoverbus crashed though the ceiling of the whatever this scene is.

Badgerman

Callie's a regular Cham machine

godless juice jakesy

You need a red mage in your party probably but this might be ok

gellaho

THE FUTURE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

MOON COLONY!

FancyShark

"We are Delta Air"

gellaho

Lori thinks God might be running this spy school

Badgerman

Just replace the entire first quarter of this book with Steele sabotaging these children and then bitching them out for letting themselves get sabotaged and it'd already be so much more tolerable

CaptainBadguy

The produce of the sea beds

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Delta Air, no serious crashes since at least six months ago! THE FUTURE IS NOW!"

Badgerman

"God without the beard" just sounds like Richard Branson

FancyShark

I think this author read Otherland and thought "That looks easy"

Brendan

Aquaculture is dope though.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Krill patties for all!

CaptainBadguy

I want a Namor Movie.

But I won't watch a 3 hour black panther for a cameo

Badgerman

The Sub-Mariner!

gellaho

Ah, so the school invented Fat Hitler

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well it seems Lori and Eddie are going to pair off if only because Lori is the only one who will stand near him and not punch him in the throat.

Brendan

Lori was hot! But more importantly, the smartest person on planet earth. She did all her spying from her pining lady feeling-heart and did whatever her boyfriend said.

CaptainBadguy

Who's the villain? Hopefully a geneticist who hates 15 year olds.

Badgerman

Stromfeld the holodeck maniac played by Russel Crowe, naturally

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I hope Fat Hitler escapes from VR and revives the Nazi Party in the domes of the Midwest.

CaptainBadguy

2/3 kids went back to their old life, and promptly blew the lid of the whole gig.

FancyShark

You can totally speedrun Stromfeld if you stand in the back left corner of the starting room and crouch down. After a couple minutes, you fall through the wall and can run all the way to the end and skip all the traps

Badgerman

Careful, the last time someone made a wish on Fat Hitler like that we wound up with the last President

gellaho

The Notorious Pascal Z

Brendan

I guess in this book's defense, the other two women are pretty, accomplished

And tough

and psychopathic

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

the Z stands for Zapata.

Brendan

Jen's going to betray them, isn't she?

godless juice jakesy

BOROMOV

FancyShark

Probably

Or Lori will

Badgerman

God I hope. She's too cool for these posers

Brendan

No, because Hypnospray

godless juice jakesy

Russian Borodini LFG

CaptainBadguy

I am 100% supporting the techno anarchists against this bullshit.

FancyShark

I dunno. We're well on course for "The spy agency is secretly EVIL!"

gellaho

"Get the kids in some skin tight suits"

CaptainBadguy

The dope from a dome is the good guy? Ok.

"is this really to stop terrorism?"

Yes Lori.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its not YA sci fi if there arent skin tight suits.

Brendan

The horniest of teen assassin academies.

Badgerman

Eddie coming in with such an obvious sex pest jape that the author couldn't bother to transcribe it

gellaho

Lori wasn't looking for a boyfriend

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This reads like if Orson Scott Card couldnt write and hated women more than he hates gay happiness.

Badgerman

Very womanly woman

FancyShark

Lori Angel, a clever anagram for "SHE FUCKS LADIES"

CaptainBadguy

Very womanly woman.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lori aint wrong tho. Bannon is hot.

gellaho

This is going to go well

Badgerman

Womanly womanly womanly womanly womanly is a real sentence according to the dictionary

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Field strip a laser rifle? Meeeee yowwww.

CaptainBadguy

Show dont tell

"a woman came in, womanly"

FancyShark

Oh hey, an asian dude who karates

Badgerman

Admittedly that is pretty fucking hot. The author finally got something right

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

So close to a bingo.

Brendan

oh no

CaptainBadguy

Pat Korita

Brendan

Maybe HE will be fatherless Black girl's dad

FancyShark

If do right, no can copyright infringement

gellaho

Well in a different direction

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

I hope someone kicks at least one of them in the dick.

CaptainBadguy

Hips like hammers.

Badgerman

Mr. Korita's hips don't lie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh cool they finally DID come out and tell us Jennifer is good at martial arts.

I was thinking that space on my card wouldnt get filled.

FancyShark

When you have hips, everything looks like a nail

CaptainBadguy

Oh I was looking for that sentence

gellaho

What a bunch of fun, likeable characters

Brendan

Technically it looks nailable but yeah.

FancyShark

Ground and pound, Jennifer!

Badgerman

She jerked him into the air, but not in the way Eddie had thought she would

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

No one step in, let them work it out

CaptainBadguy

Pat Korita had a little twitch in his pants.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

A cry that would make Bruce Lee proud sounds like a chicken in a wood chipper being thrown at a heron.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Hehe at least not until he's got like at least one new scar so he knows not to do that again

Brendan

Jennifer only hates being sexually harassed because it distresses her to realize she likes it.

FancyShark

Will Eddie melt the heart of the girl with clear signs of PTSD? Stay tuned!

gellaho

It would be great if these sentences related to one another at all

Badgerman

Jennifer can shatter one of his vertebrae. As a treat

FancyShark

Jennifer comes back wearing ice skates and begins stomping on Eddie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Korita should tell her "No. You have to finish him. Its the school policy on sexual harassment."

Badgerman

Two teens enter. One teen leaves.

godless juice jakesy

Eddie clearly likes it though

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I am very pro "Jennifer puts Eddie into a coma" for a number of reasons.

godless juice jakesy

It's like reverse sexual harassment

godless juice jakesy

"Oh no please don't stomp my balls again"

gellaho

Later: the parade of likeable protagonists continues

Badgerman

Hahaha I can't fucking wait for Ben to get one hit KOed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Korita hands her a knife and says "The femoral artery, when cut, makes it impossible for the victim to have a boner in the few minutes they have left of life."

FancyShark

Props to Ben for looking down on Cally for being homeless instead of a more problematic aspect

CaptainBadguy

I doubt the quality of the selection procedure.

Badgerman

No help of Man can prevent it!

CaptainBadguy

Was Ben the jock?

FancyShark

Yeah

Badgerman

Ben's the prep

gellaho

Magnets are magic, right?

FancyShark

The rich boy jock

Badgerman

Preppy jock, I guess

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Completely safe, these SkyBikes.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

I mean ICP lyrics might be law in this future.

Badgerman

Oh well I'm glad we're finally getting closure on this skybike business

CaptainBadguy

So all the petrol cars are publicly owned?

gellaho

Ben really sliding into rich asshole villain

CaptainBadguy

Also, the more grandiose motorcycles needs exploring

Badgerman

This is a lot of needless exposition that could have been covered by the word "hoverbike"

godless juice jakesy

Yeah but hoverbikes wouldn't just constantly ruin your credit cards too