87: Gen¹³: Netherwar Christopher Golden and Jeff Mariotte

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 87 - Gen¹³: Netherwar

Shitty Teen Month of the Year of Pain concludes with a whole bunch of superpowered teens. Having something to do with some comic series or another, this book involves a bunch of copyright dodging characters with stupid names. We have

1) The Most Perfect Woman to Ever Exist (Fairchild ®️)

2) A Native American Lesbian (Rainmaker ®️)

3) Short Sex Pest (Grunge ®️)

4) Daddy Issues Human Torch (Burnout ®️)

5) A Goth (Freefall ®️)

For some reason, this adventure has to do with fighting demons and these authors seem to think Cardinals are immortal sorcerers, so they've done their research. Start the journey with me this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Ozzie

I think these guys are all technically DC characters now?

jakesy “the korf magician”

Hmmm big titty redhead you say, my Hawke radar is up

FancyShark

Oh, this'll be interesting. Mutant Empire I remember as the rare actually-good X-men book series. We'll see if that was due to Chris's writing or my being 10

gellaho

She's smart, beautiful, stacked, strong, leggy, and I think the authors want her to step on them

These characters suck, and I hate them

FancyShark

Since it's cowritten by the writer of the comics, we are guaranteed authenticity for the characters. Which means this will hurt

gellaho

I don't know if I can articulate this well, but it seems like the people writing this really, really want to be seen as feminist so they overcompensate

gellaho

All the women are perfect beings of pure light and all the men are dumbass teens or stern old men

FancyShark

goddammit, the 90s

gellaho

gellaho

Do you see the difference

jakesy “the korf magician”

I don't know if I'd call her curvaceous unless that's just 90s code for Bangin' DDs

Ozzie

And DC Comics was like "oh, we for sure gotta buy this up"

FancyShark

Grunge is a complex, multi-faceted character who is very relatable

Unless he's not an actual rat

Ozzie

Ozzie

Fuck, DC wanted it so bad that he only sold it to them to make money to do something else.

gellaho

Well, Burnout there is supposed to have a goatee and be on fire. And Grunge (the guy with the chest tattoo) is supposed to be Asian

Not sure the cover artist understood the assignment

jakesy “the korf magician”

Hmmm so we have a Photon situation here with the artists

gellaho

"Acclaimed painter Julie Bell"

FancyShark

That cover artist had one model for each sex and a series of screaming eggs for anything outside those parameters

👽 MO WILL NOT HARM BAG

Julie Bell used herself as a model so probably had to get weird with it

gellaho

Cover Burnout

FancyShark

I don't know if it's the same cover artist. I'm running on vague nostalgia

gellaho

Inner illustration Burnout

gellaho

Those are supposed to be the same human being

Ozzie

It's called a secret identity

jakesy “the korf magician”

How are the jugs on the inner illustration Fairchild

gellaho

They aren't labeled, but I think this is her

gellaho

Although that is not a teen

But I found the other two girls, so it has to be

jakesy “the korf magician”

Yeah the artists clearly didn't communicate here

gellaho

She's got that same stupid hoop wire thing on her chest

At any rate, I am going to hate this

gellaho

Coming up on the hour it's Gen¹³: Netherwar. No preview, so enjoy these unnecessarily long dedications

gellaho

And this Cardinal, why not

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

CARDINALLL

(This is the prologue page)

CARDINALLL

(This book almost certainly blowwws)

cage! cage! cage! cage!

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I genuinely don't know why I'm so keyed in on Dog Police riffs.

Of all the talents I could have sharpened, this is apparently the one.

Star King Flippant Sausage

You have to use the powers you're given. Some people get the proportional strength and speed of a spider, some people get the ability to make Dog Police riffs.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

You know what it is? It's the hook.

The hook is too good.

Even if I wanted to unhear it, I think— I think it's part of me now.

gellaho

If I'm not mistaken, that Blues Traveler song is about Dog Police

gellaho

Time to begin the process

FancyShark

Item 1: How does the redhead's arm do that?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Shes double jointed.

She can scratch her own back sooooo easy.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

☑️ 👩‍🦰

Star King Flippant Sausage

It's gross to watch tho, let me tell you.

gellaho

The world had a premonition. And by that, I mean one guy had a premonition

LyraVarloid

Wait what already I just got here also when I walk in and see that I assume you're talking about me.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Ah, a DeMedici. Another of history's undisputed good guys

FancyShark

Priest living to feel evil, sure

LyraVarloid

Except whoa my arm does not bend that way

Star King Flippant Sausage

Cool, immortal cardinals, thats not a problem at all.

gellaho

Sure, nobody noticed the Cardinal with the famous name that lives forever

gellaho

Who also never became Pope somehow

FancyShark

"Saved the human race from eternal damnation" sounds like a cool story. Anyway, here's some bullshit

Brendan

I WAS MADE FOR THIS

gellaho

Think that undying Cardinal might be a sign from the Almighty, but what do I know

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It sounds like a cool story until you realize it's the Cardinal telling it

Star King Flippant Sausage

And uh.........just because you wont die doesnt mean God can't judge you, guy.

You're a cardinal, you should know this.

FancyShark

Hell yes!

Brendan

sigh if I could tell you what was lost...

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Yeah, ever hear about that Job guy? I heard he had a fun go of it

Star King Flippant Sausage

Been there, brother.

gellaho

"The mediator," they whispered

Star King Flippant Sausage

"OH FUCK HES GONNA MEDIATE US! NOOOOOOOOO OUR HEATHEN WAYS!"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The Negotiator and The Equalizer were taken.

FancyShark

And by tribes, we mean "interns"

Star King Flippant Sausage

So was The Arbitrator and The Decider.

gellaho

Dundundun

Brendan

The Average Guy

gellaho

Now, forget about that for a while

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Oh snap it's book cage time

gellaho

Burnout, maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

FancyShark

Here's an immortal with one job...

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Lorenzo's Face and Lorenzo's Voice couldn't really keep the franchise going after Oil broke through to the mainstream.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

I always forget, partially because they always start during my commute

jakesy “the korf magician”

I can already tell they're going to have to take the 🤌 button away from me this round

gellaho

Yes, staying low to the ground would definitely stop people from seeing this

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

I just came to the channel to ask @Brendan if it's fair to say that Norman Osborne is the spider-man universe's Vince McMahon

jakesy “the korf magician”

Fire, that famous airborne killer

From up on high

GDC

Bobby is the arch enemy of Smokey the Bear

jakesy “the korf magician”

Gather under the fire pit, kids

gellaho

Nobody sees the flying fireball in daylight at the university

Star King Flippant Sausage

Um.......Bobby, I think if you're on fire and BELOW the tree line.......arent you maybe risking a forest fire?

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Yeah when I went through undergrad I wouldn't give a fuck about that either

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It's okay Bobby's just doing a gender reveal for the upcoming baby

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

who gives a shit about flaming super men when i have three research papers and crippling ennui

GDC

Grunge keeps telling people his name is Dave, but no one listens

Brendan

On the one hand yeah, on the other, I don't think anybody's ever really figured him out. He's like Lex Luthor but with the mask of sanity rather than really, truly leaning into his narcissism, so--OH MY GOD HE IS VINCE MCMAHON.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh hey I still have one of those :HotDan:

gellaho

Big-heads

Brendan

Anyway, terrible Spidey villain for now, but room to grow into his outsized rep.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

FUCKING NAILED IT

FancyShark

Bigheads, that famous college term

gellaho

Very intimidating

jakesy “the korf magician”

Somebody take away this authors comma key

Brendan

Grunge is their Joey.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Doc, who, some may say, is known for, among other things,,,,,

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh no the Paleheads broke loose! Raccoon City is doomed!!

LyraVarloid

Please

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah maybe Grunge isnt the best guy for naming things. I have read like one issue of Gen13 and Grunge is the kind of guy who thinks melding himself into a girls bed is a great way to flirt.

gellaho

"Dad, I don't wanna listen to your weapon lectures, maaaaaaaaaaaan"

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

It's not easy to write slapstick in a novel

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahhaha all these kids are terrible.

LyraVarloid

Burnout sounds very stable.

FancyShark

I'm confused. Are they superteens at a super college or superteens at a college of bystanders?

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Fun fact, no bullshit, I have received lectures on deadly weapons from a man named Mr. Lynch

GDC

Yeah, that lecture on electro-pulse weapons is pretty dry but you need to know it to pass the exam

Star King Flippant Sausage

Rachel has superpowers, confirmed.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

can neither confirm nor deny

I am flaming

gellaho

Stakes? What stakes

FancyShark

Dollar Store Storm and Man Whose Heart Just Stopped

gellaho

Physics

LyraVarloid

Sarah Rainmaker isn't her name.

No.

FancyShark

"We're not your pals, Bobby!"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Yeah, the DPS draws aggro. That's how this works, right?

Star King Flippant Sausage

No it is. Also if I remember correctly she is a lesbian.

90s comics.

Brendan

We didn't even like Gen 13 as people in the '90s when we were jr. high/freshmen. They never had Titans cool kids appeal or X-Men freak community. They were just beautifully drawn.

gellaho

Caitlin is, like, so hot and smart and strong and leggy and perfect and wonderful, you guys

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Best friends with Becky Thunderbird

GDC

Sarah Rainmaker was the name Stan Lee dropped in favor of Storm

Star King Flippant Sausage

Caitlin is the hot one.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Yeah I think PowWow Teepeemaker was taken

Brendan

Costume design was ahead of its time, though.

Star King Flippant Sausage

But in the sense that all her teammates are basically supermodels.

gellaho

"So strong, you think she'd step on me?"

FancyShark

They're still pulling bodies out of the rubble

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"The guy"

GDC

Boots are made with legally-distinct-from-Vibranium

gellaho

And Grunge, meanwhile, is a disgusting pig

jakesy “the korf magician”

Lol

LyraVarloid

I love it doesn't say why she did tho, just kicked it over for fun. Fuck that building.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I mean it's unfair to judge the entire genre by just Kurt Cobain

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah Grunge sucks.

GDC

Calling him Percival would actually be more insulting than Grunge

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

But only to Percivals.

GDC

Percival is like Eustace. That's his name and he almost deserves it

Star King Flippant Sausage

Again I am basing this on the one issue of a comic but in that comic Grunge is not understanding why melding himself into Caitlins bed is something she was angry about and kicked his ass for.

gellaho

This is how the hip teens dress and talk

gellaho

FancyShark

Casual to Slovenly was an unsuccessful jazz fusion album by The Clash

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Roxanne Spaulding: Living Basketball

FancyShark

Roxy: Black Lung at 25

gellaho

We ran out of ideas

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

I wish I could riff this silly book with y'all but i have to watch a nicolas cage movie so enjoy yourselves and know that i love you

FancyShark

Blood begins pooling on the thug's brain. Adventure!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Love you back, have fun with the Cage Cage.

FancyShark

Take care, @Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood. ! Love you too!

gellaho

I AM KEEPING A LOW PROFILE

LyraVarloid

Have fun, try to keep your face on.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Yeah, cover your ears against the shockwave so your eardrums burst harder

FancyShark

Suck it, Greenpeace

gellaho

There are some subtle clues to Sarah's ethnicity

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Guys it looks like sending our Discount Human Torch out to sea was bad."

FancyShark

I think the facepalm and eyeroll emojis are going to get more use than the pinched fingers one

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Their code names are their last names so that cyborg assassins and supervillains can just flip to that part of the phone book

gellaho

"Caitlin doesn't care about her looks, she's so cool. But also hot. I wish she could go out with me"

Star King Flippant Sausage

I dont think this comic lasted long enough for it to be a worry.

FancyShark

"We're saying Caitlin is ugly inside."

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I'm gonna guess that's true for everyone in this hero stable

gellaho

"She's also such a great leader and tall and strong. I wish she would carry me around"

gellaho

I fucking hate Caitlin

FancyShark

Government officials do daydream about throwing teenagers at threats

Star King Flippant Sausage

Caitlin sucked.

GDC

She's a totally smoking hot child soldier.

LyraVarloid

I'm getting there

Star King Flippant Sausage

Better, she wasnt hot before she got superpowers.

Brendan

We as a species have never respected Eustace. It was a worm name all the way back in CS Lewis and nobody has ever had a different reaction.

Star King Flippant Sausage

She got a full upgrade.

FancyShark

I guess the rogue official was evil?

gellaho

Meanwhile, fire boy is awoken by a sea lion who's head has split

gellaho

By a smile

gellaho

Because that's how you say that

FancyShark

Bobby, if you're not gonna eat that...

Brendan

This book is probably why I became a sucker for colorfully streaked hair and choker collars. Then again that might just be the '00s' fault.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Whomst amogus can say we're not into that, really

Star King Flippant Sausage

Bobby absolutely isnt smart enough to correctly identify a sea lion. It was probably a mermaid.

FancyShark

Look, Neil Gaiman bears some responsibility too

gellaho

Meanwhile at the college, wires are inserted into brain

Brendan

He BURNS but he loves SWIMMING it's called CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, dad

Star King Flippant Sausage

Needless brain cabling was the in thing in the 90s.

FancyShark

The giant noggin was an actual plot point, not just a deformity for our amusement

Brendan

Gonna write a book where a native american character is a woefully terrible tracker, brb.

gellaho

MY BRAIN MAKES ME STRONG

gellaho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I'm glad Skull from Arena was still finding work

gellaho

Oh, it's about to get real fuckin stupid

MY BRAIN GIVES ME STRENGTH! LITERALLY!

FancyShark

HAHAHA

LyraVarloid

More flighty than a flock of birds

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah, solid 90s stupid. The kind where having all the cat memes ever made in your brain makes you a demi god.

FancyShark

"I DOWNLOADED HAMSTER DANCE AND NOW I CAN PUNCH MOONS!"

GDC

"My head is filled with terrabytes of Picard vs. Kirk Usenet arguments!

gellaho

I READ THE WHOLE ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITTANICA AND NOW I AM STRONG

LyraVarloid

So much fan fiction I can imagine any fictional relationship!

Star King Flippant Sausage

"I can speak Elvish, Klingon and Japanese with perfect fluency and that is why I can rearrange matter!"

FancyShark

GOUTS of blood spewed out of his head?!

Brendan

This yutz thinks the way to superintelligence is computer storage at human mind speeds.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Comic artists really liked veiny dudes back then.

FancyShark

So there's nothing stopping them from unplugging the equipment, right?

gellaho

But not that strong

gellaho

He's kind of doing it for them

Star King Flippant Sausage

Too sophisticaed for Gen13.

This comic had characters who were stupid for comic books. In the 90s, which was a high point for stupid characters.

gellaho

Wakka wakka

gellaho

Brendan

What crime exactly did Doc commit besides talking like Dick Dastardly?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

This dialogue sucks.

Star King Flippant Sausage

God help me for saying this, but Gen13 is more stupid than Spawn.

FancyShark

He has a big head and tiny body

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I know I should be more cutting about it but it's so bad it repels witticism.

gellaho

There were all those murderous goons

Star King Flippant Sausage

Probably just his caregivers.

gellaho

MEANWHILE: robot

FancyShark

They knew him?

Brendan

So tired of these expired standards of robot beauty.

FancyShark

actually, nevermind, I'll take your word on it

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh good, our court ordered gynoid is here.

Star King Flippant Sausage

I dont even need to have read much of Gen13 to know at some point someone fucks the robot lady.

gellaho

Whaddyacallit

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

One assumes that was the point, Mr. Lynch.

gellaho

Purgatory to the Max

FancyShark

See, they're battle-hardened soldiers because they're casual about violence. It makes them complex and not insufferable

Star King Flippant Sausage

"I had it covered."

"His knife was at your throat."

"Yeah its not like the throat is important."

gellaho

jakesy “the korf magician”

Bob a loo

LyraVarloid

Chapter 2: Cleavage

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Psycho = sexy, right? That's what the kids like these days?

Star King Flippant Sausage

God I have never rooted for teens to die this hard outside of a slasher movie.

gellaho

"Ivana is so cool and hot, do you think she'd step on me?"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Totally not a caricature of attractive Slavic women, got it

FancyShark

And she spoke with the Voice of Doom

Star King Flippant Sausage

Ivana has a code name like Deathtits or Killmelon.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Wait Ivana is 6 foot 5 with 50 inch lats and the voice of doom?

LyraVarloid

She was aware of awareness and it's powerful awarity

FancyShark

The Rack

gellaho

I love her synthetic tits

gellaho

Sci-tech

jakesy “the korf magician”

If the teenagers don't spend this whole lecture trying to throw things down her shirt then it's not realistic enough

LyraVarloid

Chilling and absolutely right do not define features very well ftr

FancyShark

We get it, authors. She's hot

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hot and has cyber tits.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Somebody's writing with one hand and I'm pretty sure it ain't any of us

LyraVarloid

Perfect see why not just say that.

gellaho

"I understand how people talk in high powered business," thought the pair of writers

Star King Flippant Sausage

They most likely have laser nipples or fold out into an improbably large gun.

jakesy “the korf magician”

She's no match for Caitlin's big naturals though

You'll all see

gellaho

FancyShark

I like to start a meeting by telling people to describe my attributes

GDC

Her attributes are clearly listed on her character sheet

FancyShark

"Carver looked like a man who was rarely surprised by anything". Okay, I'm getting angry

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

His mustache was salt and pepper. Particles kept flying everywhere when he talked, or sneezed, which was all the time, on account of the pepper.

gellaho

"Oh, God, she's hot too. They'll all be hot and step on me at the same time"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Ivana is playing RIFTs, she need the reminder.