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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 87 - Gen¹³: Netherwar
Shitty Teen Month of the Year of Pain concludes with a whole bunch of superpowered teens. Having something to do with some comic series or another, this book involves a bunch of copyright dodging characters with stupid names. We have
1) The Most Perfect Woman to Ever Exist (Fairchild ®️)
2) A Native American Lesbian (Rainmaker ®️)
3) Short Sex Pest (Grunge ®️)
4) Daddy Issues Human Torch (Burnout ®️)
5) A Goth (Freefall ®️)
For some reason, this adventure has to do with fighting demons and these authors seem to think Cardinals are immortal sorcerers, so they've done their research. Start the journey with me this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Ozzie
I think these guys are all technically DC characters now?
jakesy “the korf magician”
Hmmm big titty redhead you say, my Hawke radar is up
FancyShark
Oh, this'll be interesting. Mutant Empire I remember as the rare actually-good X-men book series. We'll see if that was due to Chris's writing or my being 10
gellaho
She's smart, beautiful, stacked, strong, leggy, and I think the authors want her to step on them
These characters suck, and I hate them
FancyShark
Since it's cowritten by the writer of the comics, we are guaranteed authenticity for the characters. Which means this will hurt
gellaho
I don't know if I can articulate this well, but it seems like the people writing this really, really want to be seen as feminist so they overcompensate
gellaho
All the women are perfect beings of pure light and all the men are dumbass teens or stern old men
FancyShark
goddammit, the 90s
gellaho
gellaho
Do you see the difference
jakesy “the korf magician”
I don't know if I'd call her curvaceous unless that's just 90s code for Bangin' DDs
Ozzie
And DC Comics was like "oh, we for sure gotta buy this up"
FancyShark
Grunge is a complex, multi-faceted character who is very relatable
Unless he's not an actual rat
Ozzie
Ozzie
Fuck, DC wanted it so bad that he only sold it to them to make money to do something else.
gellaho
Well, Burnout there is supposed to have a goatee and be on fire. And Grunge (the guy with the chest tattoo) is supposed to be Asian
Not sure the cover artist understood the assignment
jakesy “the korf magician”
Hmmm so we have a Photon situation here with the artists
gellaho
"Acclaimed painter Julie Bell"
FancyShark
That cover artist had one model for each sex and a series of screaming eggs for anything outside those parameters
👽 MO WILL NOT HARM BAG
Julie Bell used herself as a model so probably had to get weird with it
gellaho
Cover Burnout
FancyShark
I don't know if it's the same cover artist. I'm running on vague nostalgia
gellaho
Inner illustration Burnout
gellaho
Those are supposed to be the same human being
Ozzie
It's called a secret identity
jakesy “the korf magician”
How are the jugs on the inner illustration Fairchild
gellaho
They aren't labeled, but I think this is her
gellaho
Although that is not a teen
But I found the other two girls, so it has to be
jakesy “the korf magician”
Yeah the artists clearly didn't communicate here
gellaho
She's got that same stupid hoop wire thing on her chest
At any rate, I am going to hate this
gellaho
Coming up on the hour it's Gen¹³: Netherwar. No preview, so enjoy these unnecessarily long dedications
gellaho
And this Cardinal, why not
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
CARDINALLL
(This is the prologue page)
CARDINALLL
(This book almost certainly blowwws)
cage! cage! cage! cage!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I genuinely don't know why I'm so keyed in on Dog Police riffs.
Of all the talents I could have sharpened, this is apparently the one.
Star King Flippant Sausage
You have to use the powers you're given. Some people get the proportional strength and speed of a spider, some people get the ability to make Dog Police riffs.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
You know what it is? It's the hook.
The hook is too good.
Even if I wanted to unhear it, I think— I think it's part of me now.
gellaho
If I'm not mistaken, that Blues Traveler song is about Dog Police
gellaho
Time to begin the process
FancyShark
Item 1: How does the redhead's arm do that?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Shes double jointed.
She can scratch her own back sooooo easy.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
☑️ 👩🦰
Star King Flippant Sausage
It's gross to watch tho, let me tell you.
gellaho
The world had a premonition. And by that, I mean one guy had a premonition
LyraVarloid
Wait what already I just got here also when I walk in and see that I assume you're talking about me.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Ah, a DeMedici. Another of history's undisputed good guys
FancyShark
Priest living to feel evil, sure
LyraVarloid
Except whoa my arm does not bend that way
Star King Flippant Sausage
Cool, immortal cardinals, thats not a problem at all.
gellaho
Sure, nobody noticed the Cardinal with the famous name that lives forever
gellaho
Who also never became Pope somehow
FancyShark
"Saved the human race from eternal damnation" sounds like a cool story. Anyway, here's some bullshit
Brendan
I WAS MADE FOR THIS
gellaho
Think that undying Cardinal might be a sign from the Almighty, but what do I know
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It sounds like a cool story until you realize it's the Cardinal telling it
Star King Flippant Sausage
And uh.........just because you wont die doesnt mean God can't judge you, guy.
You're a cardinal, you should know this.
FancyShark
Hell yes!
Brendan
sigh if I could tell you what was lost...
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Yeah, ever hear about that Job guy? I heard he had a fun go of it
Lorenzo's Face and Lorenzo's Voice couldn't really keep the franchise going after Oil broke through to the mainstream.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
I always forget, partially because they always start during my commute
jakesy “the korf magician”
I can already tell they're going to have to take the 🤌 button away from me this round
gellaho
Yes, staying low to the ground would definitely stop people from seeing this
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
I just came to the channel to ask @Brendan if it's fair to say that Norman Osborne is the spider-man universe's Vince McMahon
jakesy “the korf magician”
Fire, that famous airborne killer
From up on high
GDC
Bobby is the arch enemy of Smokey the Bear
jakesy “the korf magician”
Gather under the fire pit, kids
gellaho
Nobody sees the flying fireball in daylight at the university
Star King Flippant Sausage
Um.......Bobby, I think if you're on fire and BELOW the tree line.......arent you maybe risking a forest fire?
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Yeah when I went through undergrad I wouldn't give a fuck about that either
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It's okay Bobby's just doing a gender reveal for the upcoming baby
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
who gives a shit about flaming super men when i have three research papers and crippling ennui
GDC
Grunge keeps telling people his name is Dave, but no one listens
Brendan
On the one hand yeah, on the other, I don't think anybody's ever really figured him out. He's like Lex Luthor but with the mask of sanity rather than really, truly leaning into his narcissism, so--OH MY GOD HE IS VINCE MCMAHON.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh hey I still have one of those :HotDan:
gellaho
Big-heads
Brendan
Anyway, terrible Spidey villain for now, but room to grow into his outsized rep.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
FUCKING NAILED IT
FancyShark
Bigheads, that famous college term
gellaho
Very intimidating
jakesy “the korf magician”
Somebody take away this authors comma key
Brendan
Grunge is their Joey.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Doc, who, some may say, is known for, among other things,,,,,
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh no the Paleheads broke loose! Raccoon City is doomed!!
LyraVarloid
Please
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah maybe Grunge isnt the best guy for naming things. I have read like one issue of Gen13 and Grunge is the kind of guy who thinks melding himself into a girls bed is a great way to flirt.
gellaho
"Dad, I don't wanna listen to your weapon lectures, maaaaaaaaaaaan"
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
It's not easy to write slapstick in a novel
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahhaha all these kids are terrible.
LyraVarloid
Burnout sounds very stable.
FancyShark
I'm confused. Are they superteens at a super college or superteens at a college of bystanders?
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Fun fact, no bullshit, I have received lectures on deadly weapons from a man named Mr. Lynch
GDC
Yeah, that lecture on electro-pulse weapons is pretty dry but you need to know it to pass the exam
Star King Flippant Sausage
Rachel has superpowers, confirmed.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
can neither confirm nor deny
I am flaming
gellaho
Stakes? What stakes
FancyShark
Dollar Store Storm and Man Whose Heart Just Stopped
gellaho
Physics
LyraVarloid
Sarah Rainmaker isn't her name.
No.
FancyShark
"We're not your pals, Bobby!"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Yeah, the DPS draws aggro. That's how this works, right?
Star King Flippant Sausage
No it is. Also if I remember correctly she is a lesbian.
90s comics.
Brendan
We didn't even like Gen 13 as people in the '90s when we were jr. high/freshmen. They never had Titans cool kids appeal or X-Men freak community. They were just beautifully drawn.
gellaho
Caitlin is, like, so hot and smart and strong and leggy and perfect and wonderful, you guys
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Best friends with Becky Thunderbird
GDC
Sarah Rainmaker was the name Stan Lee dropped in favor of Storm
Star King Flippant Sausage
Caitlin is the hot one.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Yeah I think PowWow Teepeemaker was taken
Brendan
Costume design was ahead of its time, though.
Star King Flippant Sausage
But in the sense that all her teammates are basically supermodels.
gellaho
"So strong, you think she'd step on me?"
FancyShark
They're still pulling bodies out of the rubble
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"The guy"
GDC
Boots are made with legally-distinct-from-Vibranium
gellaho
And Grunge, meanwhile, is a disgusting pig
jakesy “the korf magician”
Lol
LyraVarloid
I love it doesn't say why she did tho, just kicked it over for fun. Fuck that building.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I mean it's unfair to judge the entire genre by just Kurt Cobain
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah Grunge sucks.
GDC
Calling him Percival would actually be more insulting than Grunge
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
But only to Percivals.
GDC
Percival is like Eustace. That's his name and he almost deserves it
Star King Flippant Sausage
Again I am basing this on the one issue of a comic but in that comic Grunge is not understanding why melding himself into Caitlins bed is something she was angry about and kicked his ass for.
gellaho
This is how the hip teens dress and talk
gellaho
FancyShark
Casual to Slovenly was an unsuccessful jazz fusion album by The Clash
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Roxanne Spaulding: Living Basketball
FancyShark
Roxy: Black Lung at 25
gellaho
We ran out of ideas
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
I wish I could riff this silly book with y'all but i have to watch a nicolas cage movie so enjoy yourselves and know that i love you
FancyShark
Blood begins pooling on the thug's brain. Adventure!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Love you back, have fun with the Cage Cage.
FancyShark
Take care, @Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood. ! Love you too!
gellaho
I AM KEEPING A LOW PROFILE
LyraVarloid
Have fun, try to keep your face on.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Yeah, cover your ears against the shockwave so your eardrums burst harder
FancyShark
Suck it, Greenpeace
gellaho
There are some subtle clues to Sarah's ethnicity
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Guys it looks like sending our Discount Human Torch out to sea was bad."
FancyShark
I think the facepalm and eyeroll emojis are going to get more use than the pinched fingers one
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Their code names are their last names so that cyborg assassins and supervillains can just flip to that part of the phone book
gellaho
"Caitlin doesn't care about her looks, she's so cool. But also hot. I wish she could go out with me"
Star King Flippant Sausage
I dont think this comic lasted long enough for it to be a worry.
FancyShark
"We're saying Caitlin is ugly inside."
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I'm gonna guess that's true for everyone in this hero stable
gellaho
"She's also such a great leader and tall and strong. I wish she would carry me around"
gellaho
I fucking hate Caitlin
FancyShark
Government officials do daydream about throwing teenagers at threats
Star King Flippant Sausage
Caitlin sucked.
GDC
She's a totally smoking hot child soldier.
LyraVarloid
I'm getting there
Star King Flippant Sausage
Better, she wasnt hot before she got superpowers.
Brendan
We as a species have never respected Eustace. It was a worm name all the way back in CS Lewis and nobody has ever had a different reaction.
Star King Flippant Sausage
She got a full upgrade.
FancyShark
I guess the rogue official was evil?
gellaho
Meanwhile, fire boy is awoken by a sea lion who's head has split
gellaho
By a smile
gellaho
Because that's how you say that
FancyShark
Bobby, if you're not gonna eat that...
Brendan
This book is probably why I became a sucker for colorfully streaked hair and choker collars. Then again that might just be the '00s' fault.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Whomst amogus can say we're not into that, really
Star King Flippant Sausage
Bobby absolutely isnt smart enough to correctly identify a sea lion. It was probably a mermaid.
FancyShark
Look, Neil Gaiman bears some responsibility too
gellaho
Meanwhile at the college, wires are inserted into brain
Brendan
He BURNS but he loves SWIMMING it's called CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, dad
Star King Flippant Sausage
Needless brain cabling was the in thing in the 90s.
FancyShark
The giant noggin was an actual plot point, not just a deformity for our amusement
Brendan
Gonna write a book where a native american character is a woefully terrible tracker, brb.
gellaho
MY BRAIN MAKES ME STRONG
gellaho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I'm glad Skull from Arena was still finding work
gellaho
Oh, it's about to get real fuckin stupid
MY BRAIN GIVES ME STRENGTH! LITERALLY!
FancyShark
HAHAHA
LyraVarloid
More flighty than a flock of birds
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh yeah, solid 90s stupid. The kind where having all the cat memes ever made in your brain makes you a demi god.
FancyShark
"I DOWNLOADED HAMSTER DANCE AND NOW I CAN PUNCH MOONS!"
GDC
"My head is filled with terrabytes of Picard vs. Kirk Usenet arguments!
gellaho
I READ THE WHOLE ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITTANICA AND NOW I AM STRONG
LyraVarloid
So much fan fiction I can imagine any fictional relationship!
Star King Flippant Sausage
"I can speak Elvish, Klingon and Japanese with perfect fluency and that is why I can rearrange matter!"
FancyShark
GOUTS of blood spewed out of his head?!
Brendan
This yutz thinks the way to superintelligence is computer storage at human mind speeds.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Comic artists really liked veiny dudes back then.
FancyShark
So there's nothing stopping them from unplugging the equipment, right?
gellaho
But not that strong
gellaho
He's kind of doing it for them
Star King Flippant Sausage
Too sophisticaed for Gen13.
This comic had characters who were stupid for comic books. In the 90s, which was a high point for stupid characters.
gellaho
Wakka wakka
gellaho
Brendan
What crime exactly did Doc commit besides talking like Dick Dastardly?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
This dialogue sucks.
Star King Flippant Sausage
God help me for saying this, but Gen13 is more stupid than Spawn.
FancyShark
He has a big head and tiny body
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I know I should be more cutting about it but it's so bad it repels witticism.
gellaho
There were all those murderous goons
Star King Flippant Sausage
Probably just his caregivers.
gellaho
MEANWHILE: robot
FancyShark
They knew him?
Brendan
So tired of these expired standards of robot beauty.
FancyShark
actually, nevermind, I'll take your word on it
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh good, our court ordered gynoid is here.
Star King Flippant Sausage
I dont even need to have read much of Gen13 to know at some point someone fucks the robot lady.
gellaho
Whaddyacallit
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
One assumes that was the point, Mr. Lynch.
gellaho
Purgatory to the Max
FancyShark
See, they're battle-hardened soldiers because they're casual about violence. It makes them complex and not insufferable
Star King Flippant Sausage
"I had it covered."
"His knife was at your throat."
"Yeah its not like the throat is important."
gellaho
jakesy “the korf magician”
Bob a loo
LyraVarloid
Chapter 2: Cleavage
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Psycho = sexy, right? That's what the kids like these days?
Star King Flippant Sausage
God I have never rooted for teens to die this hard outside of a slasher movie.
gellaho
"Ivana is so cool and hot, do you think she'd step on me?"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Totally not a caricature of attractive Slavic women, got it
FancyShark
And she spoke with the Voice of Doom
Star King Flippant Sausage
Ivana has a code name like Deathtits or Killmelon.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Wait Ivana is 6 foot 5 with 50 inch lats and the voice of doom?
LyraVarloid
She was aware of awareness and it's powerful awarity
FancyShark
The Rack
gellaho
I love her synthetic tits
gellaho
Sci-tech
jakesy “the korf magician”
If the teenagers don't spend this whole lecture trying to throw things down her shirt then it's not realistic enough
LyraVarloid
Chilling and absolutely right do not define features very well ftr
FancyShark
We get it, authors. She's hot
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hot and has cyber tits.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Somebody's writing with one hand and I'm pretty sure it ain't any of us
LyraVarloid
Perfect see why not just say that.
gellaho
"I understand how people talk in high powered business," thought the pair of writers
Star King Flippant Sausage
They most likely have laser nipples or fold out into an improbably large gun.
jakesy “the korf magician”
She's no match for Caitlin's big naturals though
You'll all see
gellaho
FancyShark
I like to start a meeting by telling people to describe my attributes
GDC
Her attributes are clearly listed on her character sheet
FancyShark
"Carver looked like a man who was rarely surprised by anything". Okay, I'm getting angry
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
His mustache was salt and pepper. Particles kept flying everywhere when he talked, or sneezed, which was all the time, on account of the pepper.
gellaho
"Oh, God, she's hot too. They'll all be hot and step on me at the same time"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Ivana is playing RIFTs, she need the reminder.
FancyShark
You're calling out her lack of a middle name? What are you, five?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Ivana: confirmed leg gal
gellaho
In come the dweebs
GDC
Carolyn doesn't make her job her life, lay off
Star King Flippant Sausage
"I had no trouble climbing the ladder." said the unnaturally beautiful cyborg.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He's definitely tried to turn "the Horn is on the move" into a pickup line
Agent of Fortune
Hey guys, what have I missed holy shit somebody wrote a Gen 13 NOVEL?
gellaho
Me write clichéd dialog
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yes! And its as fucking stupid as you'd think.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
The Horn of Jericho is definitely what Chris calls it.
FancyShark
The Horn of Jerry was the first draft
Star King Flippant Sausage
He's an immortal cardinal tho, Ivana. He's probably learned a few things.
gellaho
Mr Reisner is definitely long for this world
Agent of Fortune
But literally the entire point of that book was the J. Scott Campbell art
Brendan
It's Christina Hendricks's evil sister Karen!
gellaho
ROBONAILS ACTIVATE
Star King Flippant Sausage
"No, actually HR did. I dont hire anyone. In fact, YOU have more to do with hiring than I do."
FancyShark
I do wish more meetings ended this way
jakesy “the korf magician”
So far this whole book has been typed out one-handedly
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh cool I've heard of X-23 too.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Faithful to the comic.
gellaho
Killing the strong men, keeping the weenies with the strong, hot women
Agent of Fortune
Does this take place before or after they made the Native American woman a predatory lesbian
gellaho
I wonder why
FancyShark
The janitor saw the aftermath and called to say he'd be late getting home
gellaho
Meanwhile, dancing
FancyShark
All ages dance club?! Keen!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I wonder if the higher ups will ever get their arms around Ivana routinely murdering experienced members of their organization for the sake of corrupting fuckable interns
That feels like a problem they ought to solve
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Goddammit I hate working for these fuckers. THey wont even buy me a new mop, gotta clean up fucking brains all day. Assholes."
FancyShark
"Nudder bloody review meeting. Better get the blue spray bottle."
Agent of Fortune
Market Street is super gentrified now
gellaho
"God, she's so hot and tall and doesn't care about dancing"
Agent of Fortune
It's right by Petco Park
gellaho
"She's so smart she does math on the dance floor"
Agent of Fortune
I'm 6'2" and that doesn't make me a periscope
Loud music?!?!?!
FancyShark
"I bet she'd love to talk about my calculator"
Brendan
Rather than tell us who these characters are, SHOW us by having them TELL us.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
There are 400 people in the dance hall. If 68 percent are males, 272 of them are on the dance floor. Using this information, calculate how long until gellaho throws the book across the room. Show all work.
jakesy “the korf magician”
She wanted an older man, one who doesn't go out and get drunk like the chads and instead stays home and writes pulp novels about comic book characters
gellaho
"She doesn't care about dancing but is also really good at dancing and math and she is so strong and WHY ISN'T SHE REAL"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Caitlin is fucking insufferable and despite what this book would have you think, nobody wants to fuck her because shes smart. They all want to fuck her because shes hot.
Agent of Fortune
I've only read so much of this comic and Grunge does not know the word gyrate
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Born to Gyrate was almost certainly crossed off in the E Street Band's liner notes
gellaho
Get yourself a lady with monk hair
FancyShark
I hope she follows through on trying to force a smart brain out of the mush from smashing multiple brains together
gellaho
"DON'T YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY CAITLIN"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Tonsures make a comeback, man. They're like cassette tapes and preventable diseases.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Lady is either going to attempt to kill Grunge or has the worst taste, and is a very sad woman.
GDC
Grunge is the kind of guy you can hunt by smell
gellaho
Chicks love the chest tattoo
Brendan
Fine physical descriptions, but I remain completely in the dark which of these women looks like they're ever surprised by anything.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Lol is Caitlin tearing her shirts because her tits are too bodacious to be contained
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Muscular", a word which here means "blubbery and densely forested with hair"
Agent of Fortune
you know folks, we really dodged a bullet that there wasn't an X-Men named Emo in the early 2000s and please don't tell me if there was
jakesy “the korf magician”
Is that what they're trying to say
gellaho
Third option, walking in a way nobody would
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Don't worry, they made up for it with Safespace and Snowflake
Agent of Fortune
That was in the X-Statix continuation, right?
Brendan
Well, someone PUBLISHED a gen 13 novel.
gellaho
So
FancyShark
That's right, virgin readers. Lesbians can attract hot women by simply existing. No effort required.
gellaho
As a reminder
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Think so
gellaho
These dipshits are supposed to be maintaining a low profile
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I've known at least one predator who thought so
jakesy “the korf magician”
At least one of them isn't actively on fire in the club
GDC
They lady had an extremely finely tuned gaydar
Star King Flippant Sausage
Blonde girl has exquisitely tuned gaydar. She can detect a lesbian at 200 yards.
jakesy “the korf magician”
…yet
gellaho
Duuuuude
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
maaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
Way to stick to your convictions, Grunge
jakesy “the korf magician”
First you get the jobs, then you get the khakis, then you get the chicks
gellaho
The giant hot girl dancing in the middle of a crowd
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Chicks, amirite fellas?"
gellaho
Dude out with his extremely noticeable chest tattoo
UNDER THE RADAR
Star King Flippant Sausage
God these two idiots couldnt get laid in a monkey whorehouse on banana Wednesday but they are always talking about it.
Brendan
Yeah, it's really showing its limitations when set to prose. (Sorry, I know I'm lagging but cripes, guys I only went downstairs two minutes to get crackers and root beer.)
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
They're so overt, it's covert
jakesy “the korf magician”
No need to bring the FBI into this
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
The big limitation, incidentally, is the prose.
Agent of Fortune
To be fair to the "writer" I've been to San Diego Comic Con after parties exactly like this
gellaho
Dude, busted
Brendan
"Blood spurted" is the most passive an active verb has ever managed to be.
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Hey, you're my boss, not my dad............Right? This is a comic so its very unclear."
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Frank Dux presents: "Bloodspurt"
FancyShark
Mr. Not-Evil
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Wait when did we get back to the Xavier institute
I think Lynch actually was a bad guy, but he escaped with the Gen 13 teenagers
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh fuck, grunge really is Kurt Cobain.
Agent of Fortune
I forget why, it's been years
Star King Flippant Sausage
Surprisingly the guy running a secret super teen covert ops force is the good guy. He's their Professor X, fuckbot not included.
gellaho
"And I want everyone to always be talking about Caitlin"
jakesy “the korf magician”
Except he swears that he don't have a gun- wait a minute
Star King Flippant Sausage
Everyone is so fucking tired of Grunge.
gellaho
NETHERWAR
gellaho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
At least he lasted longer than Disco
Agent of Fortune
They're ready for post grunge
FancyShark
"I need a whole chapter about Caitlin climbing stairs. Taking each step. Stepping on-NGGYYAAAAAHHHH!"
Brendan
This is an idiot's calculation.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Love some pop culture references that will NEVER AGE POORLY FOR ANY REASON.
Agent of Fortune
I will give the comic credit for having an out character in the 90s, even if they did it in the clumsiest and most exploitive way possible
gellaho
Make sure you get some strange when a secret organization is after you
gellaho
There's no way they could possibly have sent someone to seduce you
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Mr Lunch is a really bad superhero teacher if he didn't even warn his kids about honeypotting
FancyShark
Many are the worshippers of the church of Kelly
Agent of Fortune
Speaking of lol
GDC
Opsec is getting your one night to drop you off at your secret base.
gellaho
These characters are just so likeable
Agent of Fortune
Grunt
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Well somebody's gotta be the designated driver
gellaho
I don't know if you've noticed a difference in the way the male and female characters are written
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Whaaaat
Noooooo
Agent of Fortune
I haven't noticed any writing tbf
Star King Flippant Sausage
Kelly isnt a seven foot dude in armadillo themed power armor so they're probably okay.
Im not kidding about the armadillo dude.
gellaho
"And she's also so cute and innocent and smart and strong and WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME HER, GOD!"
FancyShark
The best part about comic books with superheroes is the thrilling action setpieces. The high stakes drama unfolding as questions of mortality and morality are handled while attempting to help the less fortunate.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
all the way up the stairs. That wheel of fortune reference just fucking killed it with these teenagers
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Hahahahah Caitlin doesnt understand fucking."
FancyShark
Just, so much action...
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Somebody's getting some action but it sure ain't the author
gellaho
"And so humble and cool and"
Star King Flippant Sausage
It should be a law nobody is allowed to fuck anyone who worked on Gen13.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Beauteous is a real Eustace ass word
FancyShark
Don't worry. That happened naturally
Star King Flippant Sausage
You say that but I would be willing to be more than one of them has reproduced by now.
FancyShark
"She's so smart and doesn't understand what the creeps are talking about."
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fucking Grunge and his word a day calendar.
gellaho
So frail, but still able to fight off a demon and get to California
Agent of Fortune
In the unreleased animated movie they made of this Flea voiced grunge
Star King Flippant Sausage
God really has a sense of humor giving the cardinal an immortal but old as shit body.
gellaho
Seriously wacky stuff
FancyShark
I genuinely want the story about the immortal priest who has guarded Earth from the forces of hell, not "The Talk" as written by Peter David
GDC
He's got the shitty kind of immortality where he doesn't stop aging
That's somehow even better! How has he managed to keep from fucking up this long?!
gellaho
What is this television you speak of
Star King Flippant Sausage
Dont worry, these are 90s Image comics, this guy is so run of the mill he's boring.
Agent of Fortune
Yes Way
FancyShark
No, I know. I read way too much Spawn as a teen
LyraVarloid
you wouldn't need a television to know that's the reply to 'No Way'
gellaho: Van-off Champion
Don't worry about how, that detail is not important
Star King Flippant Sausage
Il Mediatore is a big fan of Waynes World.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Good old Jack Hoff— err, Jack Lynch
FancyShark
"Story? Hahaha, no audience. That's boring. Let me tell you about my should-be-wife, Caitlin"
gellaho: Van-off Champion
Ah, the old nerd tradition of thinking all religious figures are secretly sorcerers
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Incidentally what the author was up to while writing
FancyShark
He pulls a quarter out of her ear
Agent of Fortune
This is way funnier if you picture Lynch as this Lynch
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
In fairness plenty of religious folks think the same thing, you can't just pin this all on the nerds
jakesy “the korf magician”
The only people who can resist Caitlin's Smokin hot bod: Catholic clergymen
GDC
You know a lady with weather control powers, kids, this shouldn't shock you
Star King Flippant Sausage
To be fair, if God was real enough to grant immortality all religeous figures WOULD be sorcerers.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Also they're called Miracles if you're a cleric. Coke on, Gen13
gellaho
Whoa, like, demons, man
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Whaaaaat's the deaaaal with demons?!?
GDC
Is it Grunge Man or just Grunge?
FancyShark
Grunge's standup act died before it was even born
gellaho
The Peter David school of references
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fuck you, no way did any one under 25 care about the Three Stooges in the 90s.
Old ass man writing.
FancyShark
Please give a detailed explanation about how Latin is the original language or the language of sorcerers, you hack
gellaho
I have a somewhat hard time believing Percival Chang was raised catholic, but sure
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Proto-indo-European pig latin
Agent of Fortune
Oh was this Peter David? Okay
FancyShark
This was not
But same industry
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
This was David Peter
gellaho
That was the kind of reference Peter David loves
jakesy “the korf magician”
Must…not…talk….shit…about…Peter
Star King Flippant Sausage
Okay before you all get any ideas, this is what Grunge looks like:
FancyShark
"I can bend the weather to my will. Yes, of course, I'm Catholic"
gellaho
MEANWHILE
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
What an aggressively nothing character design
gellaho
I don't believe you, where's his shitty chest tattoo
Star King Flippant Sausage
I kind of suspect Grunge comes by the ":Chang" in his name via random name generator.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He was adopted.
Star King Flippant Sausage
His robo mom made him remove it.
GDC
His most distinguishing feature is blue jeans
FancyShark
Mark is definitely not turned on by this
gellaho
"Step on meeeeeeeeee"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He landed in a trash can that came from the stars and a kindly Asian American family took him in.
Agent of Fortune
I'm trying to picture this and can't
Ozzie
Grunge's creator is Korean, so, I dunno, this might've been a real attempt at representation.
Brendan
AWARD THIS, YOU COWARDS
gellaho
Bring me my dweebiest employee to fuck
Agent of Fortune
Yeah Jim Lee created Gen13
Star King Flippant Sausage
I guess the artist didnt get the note then.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh I'm sure he got the note
FancyShark
"And what she wanted was affordable life insurance"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Handy that Mark was the Geico gecko.
LyraVarloid
with the lowest of premiums
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
Ivana is a cyborg so she probably just wants him to polish her chrome.
jakesy “the korf magician”
SNAAAAAAAAAKE
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha that art wants you to know it smokes a pack a day.
FancyShark
"Hrrrnmm. Shitty superheroes?"
Ozzie
Man I bet this guy will not in any way remind me of Snake Plissken or Nick Fury.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not in any favorable way.
Agent of Fortune
More like Jake Furey
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Snek Pisskin
LyraVarloid
I still love Snake Plissken so much it's embarrasing.
FancyShark
Nick Fury? Who's that? Why would you pay more for Nick Fury when you can have Mister Lynch
gellaho
FLASHBACK TO: "Oh, God, she's so smart and cool and not after those cool guys"
Star King Flippant Sausage
the "We have Nick Fury at home" Nick Fury.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Gen13 is a flat circle.
Agent of Fortune
She should go to the Princeton Record Exchange
That place rules
gellaho
"And she was like a girl nerd, but then she got hot and strong enough to carry me"
Star King Flippant Sausage
She wants to establish a near monopoly and drive Netscape Navigator out of business, then be the subject of an antitrust investigation by the government.
Brendan
This just sounds like detrimental terms for Italians.
gellaho
Can't see any red flags there
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Between Show and Tell, the author has chosen a secret third option: "Masturbate"
FancyShark
Bored? Lonely? Consider government medical experiments!
GDC
Beats Oregon, anyway
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"She's super smart and strong and not like other girls but immediately fell for a military recruiting pitch"
gellaho
German, of course
FancyShark
Is that bingo? Do we have bingo?
Star King Flippant Sausage
I mean at this very instant if some dude in a military uniform knocked on my door and told me "Hey we can give you superpowers, would you like to be shot full of our dubious science juice for a probably sketchy and illegal purpose?" I would agree.
GDC
Helga was an Operation Paperclip acquisition.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Man, this almost sounds like it could be the topic of a neat book. Anyway,
gellaho
"Ugh, so innocent and cute"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
HAZARD
DANGER: door
FancyShark
If the author doesn't climax soon, this book is going to get weird
GDC
She's very trusting of older authority figures. Authors, for instance.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
And clergymen, and teachers
Brendan
I AM CAUGHT UP
Star King Flippant Sausage
Caitlin is the kind of teen who all you need to do is tell her "I have a puppy. : and she is in your van before you finish speaking.
gellaho
"But even before she was strong, she was still athletic and the best of the best and mine"
FancyShark
Caitlin: The Lost Dahm Triplet
gellaho
Miles Craven
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Shipped home", 'home' being the meat pit where their executed corpses slowly emulsified into a single mass before being repackaged as Spam
FancyShark
If Sarah was actually a homely Australian girl with prominent knuckle hair, I think I'd respect this writer more
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I'm so glad you fUCKING TOLD US ALL OF THIS INSTEAD OF MAKING IT THE STORY YOU HACK
GDC
Miles Craven was a name chosen with a Spiderman comic and some darts.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Craven was a popular name among a certain kind of writer in the 90s.
gellaho
And now: their escape begins with vomit, cigs, and snacks
Star King Flippant Sausage
One who didnt believe in owning a thesaurus.
FancyShark
"And Alex was sooooo hot, you guys. What? We're not doing that? Okay."
gellaho
TIME TO HULK CAITLIN OUT
FancyShark
This is how puberty works
Brendan
This chapter is an expo dump
GDC
Haven't they all been?
FancyShark
Oh, it's a dump, alright
gellaho
"OH, GOD, IT'S HAPPENING! SHE'S SO HOT! WE'RE SUCH GOOD WRITERS!"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"And she's so hot and so smart and so strong and so innocent and she can BREAK A MAN'S SPINE IN A SINGLE BLOW— huh! Hoh! No! N-not yet…! Must… finish… my masterwork…!"
fapfapfapfapfap
FancyShark
"Her baby eyes popped out and her adult ones grew in"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Normally I'd make fun of a book for feeling like they needed to explain an established characters backstory but you definitely DO need to do this for Gen13
FancyShark
Do you?
Brendan
FINALLY we know the origin of Grunge's shirtlessness
GDC
I'm glad we know Grunge took the opportunity to be a perv
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
As if it needed to be said
Brendan
"Although still 16, she was in every way a woman now, with a woman's nascent sexual thoughts and curiosity about what an older man like Lynch could teach her."
Star King Flippant Sausage
You have to remember, they were PROUD of this back then.
gellaho
Meet Tom
FancyShark
Did teens ever wear button-up shirts in the 90's, or did that only happen when someone was going to hulk out?
Agent of Fortune
I read this comic
FancyShark
Hi, Tom
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Good old Tom, my favorite character.
gellaho
Tom breaks bad
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Can't wait for y'all to learn about his rich lore and layered characterization
See? Layers!
Brendan
Yes but by law they were denim or flannel.
FancyShark
Fuck yeah. Scanner Tom
gellaho
Tom was evil? Bwah!?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He starts good and becomes evil all along!
And then also Matt!
Brendan
Tom is our friend.
FancyShark
Tom Hallinanuhhnotoates
gellaho
Deus Ex Daddy
Star King Flippant Sausage
Secret superhuman army sounds pretty cool tho.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I mean, come on, Project Genesis is about terraforming. The Klingons leaked this shit ages ago
Brendan
This lone chapter explaining irrelevant origin is 9x the action of the previous ones.
gellaho
Lynch thought it'd be funny to watch them get experimented on first though
FancyShark
That prankster
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahah they were so proud of this fucking shitty comic at the time.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
What a great teacher
Star King Flippant Sausage
They really thought they had a winner on their hands.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
And the sad part is even with all that, he's still kind of better than Professor X.
gellaho
NOTHING SUSPICIOUS
FancyShark
He clawed his own face? He HAD A TANTRUM AND THAT'S HIS SCAR STORY?
gellaho
NOW LET US BLOW UP THE LOCAL CAMPUS AND PARTY
Agent of Fortune
More like a weiner
gellaho
NOBODY WILL NOTICE US
Brendan
Wait did the flashback origin just reveal its flashback origin?
Agent of Fortune
LaJolla is not a relative paradise, it is an absolutely beautiful town
Brendan
This is like when Ang Lee thought Bruce Banner surviving a bomb was unbelievable unless his dad injected him with sea cucumber DNA in utero.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah yeah right, people in that part of California are notoriously not snoopy, sure.
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
The people who live there have been waging war on sea lions for years now
FancyShark
Harvey Bullock, PI
shit, I'd actually read the hell out of that
gellaho
FYI the Cardinal had a nightmare if that comes up. I skipped it
Lew Manning
Brendan
Death of a Salesman: Gen 13 reading
FancyShark
The relative Peyton does not acknowledge
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Say, uh, izzat one of them comic book superhero stories ya got there? My wife loves those things, always has, always tellin me about this Fantastic Foursome she reads about…"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Keeps sending Peyton his records tho.
FancyShark
"Just one more flashback, ma'am..."
Star King Flippant Sausage
Okay I have to give this writer credit, he's perfectly captured how I remember the literal single issue of Gen13 I read.
Mostly full of nothing and boobs.
gellaho
That chapter is 3 guys looking for the Cardinal at the airport
FancyShark
I'm on the edge of my seat
gellaho
Anyway
Star King Flippant Sausage
The Lost Luggage of Il Mediatore.
Agent of Fortune
Do they find him?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Holy shit its fuckin Shin, he's gonna do some Nanto Seiken for us.
gellaho
He's having nightmares at the Gen13 house, so no
Grunge wastes a lot of text thinking about merit badges
Star King Flippant Sausage
This is exactly why you should never let the elderly fly unaccompanied, if you do the airline will lose them like they lose peoples pets, and you have a much harder time getting a millennia old man back from Saudi Arabia where Virgin Airlines left him.
FancyShark
Macrame. Canoeing. Good Sportsmanship. All of them
gellaho
It is hilarious how you ogle us
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Has there be an action not in flashback or rainmaker's bed
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Not yet
FancyShark
There was a brief fight on a college campus
gellaho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
No comment
FancyShark
I demand Joe and Frank Hardy kill this man
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
I dont know why they tolerate Grunge.
LyraVarloid
or whatever indeed
FancyShark
Again, just so much action
Star King Flippant Sausage
Peanut Butter Capn Crunch was pretty good tho.
gellaho
"IF ONLY SHE WERE REAL, DAMMIT"
Agent of Fortune
Eh I'd still shtup her
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I'm glad we're only now being introduced to Anna
Brendan
THEY ALL LAUGHED
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Not with you, Author. Not with you.
Brendan
The man has a condition and these...teenage TARTS just LAUGH in his FACE!
His beautifully grungey face.
What are his powers?
FancyShark
He's Absorbing Man
Star King Flippant Sausage
I think he's like Absorbing Man?
Agent of Fortune
He flows evenly
Star King Flippant Sausage
If Absorbing Man was a sex pest. Is being a sex pest a power?
Agent of Fortune
He smells like teen spirit
gellaho
"She's so smart"
FancyShark
Starfox was
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Was it Slippy? I bet it was Slippy.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure that's not what it does
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
You can't tell me that frog dude wasn't working on some kinky shit in his off hours.
Agent of Fortune
Wait
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It's just oral sex, preach. Chill out
Agent of Fortune
Is this how a Netherwar might happen
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Well, by "Open the gates" we mean "Knock down the walls" but you are all stupid so we just simplified it."
Brendan
HOW IS THAT GOING TO KEEP CEREAL CRISP I ASK YOU
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
might is being optimistic
gellaho
"Wait, am I the only dumb one?"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not to mention its a dire misunderstanding of how Capn Crunch markets itself.
FancyShark
You are teenagers. The thought of demons and hell should be getting you stoked
Brendan
Grunge absorbed the milk and kept his cereal dry. Now he smells like body-temperature milk.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Now I'm just a simple country badger but maybe just, like. Smash the horn then? So no one can open hell at all?
Brendan
I dunno, I'm starting to recognize a fellow stunted Catholic in Caitlin.
FancyShark
That sounds dangerously close to thinkin'
Brendan
And THAT will be my in!
gellaho
But if it only opens when it's in hell, how do you get it into hell
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Oh look, I sealed Hell forever. What'd that take, ten seconds? Eleven, tops"
Star King Flippant Sausage
God would just make another horn, God loves leaving the keys to the Pit laying around.
Brendan
It's telling this book starred my dream woman and I never even opened its pages.
FancyShark
You read this book
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
They're fun plot coupons
gellaho
It apparently closes the gates on Earth
So there is no problem
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I mean… good??
That sounds even better?
Agent of Fortune
Is this the same hell as the spawn hell?
GDC
Then how are you getting into hell to open the gates?
Brendan
Quick Q how are they going to open hell to get here to blow the horn if the horn is here and not in hell
Star King Flippant Sausage
I think it might be.
GDC
This seems like a non issue
Brendan
Spawn and Grifter just stroll into this book to make it exciting.
FancyShark
Adventure!
Star King Flippant Sausage
You just have to play Mario Kart and lose on Rainbow Road 666 times, then reset the console.
Brendan
Savage Dragon hassles the teens
gellaho
Then I suggest you blow the horn and close the gates
FancyShark
Author? We solved your problem. Can we go?
Star King Flippant Sausage
So who gives a fuck about the horn now, if theres a FUCKING HOLE IN THE DOOR.
Note, none of these dipshit teens can fix any of this.
FancyShark
Here's this artifact. It's very important. Now nevermind, because it has no effect on this
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
This door hole and the human windpipe are why I can never take the intelligent design argument seriously.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not to mention the fact the human heart wouldnt have heart attacks if the valves were designed differently.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
You hear that, God!? It's your fault my mom has a stent!!!
gellaho
You missed the three idiots from the airport talk to a cabbie. Anyway
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
(Super fine, to be clear. Recovery went really well).
Oh. Oh jeez.
FancyShark
Ahhh. Clearly that's Grunge
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahah I was wondering when they'd do that.
Agent of Fortune
One of the guys who wrote this was VP of Marketing at Wildstorm
FancyShark
And the writer of Gen13
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
So did we like, ask a Native person how to handle this, or is this a Honest Hearts situation
Star King Flippant Sausage
The one issue I saw just had her in a swimsuit and squeezing Roxy's ass.
FancyShark
I think Native Americans have suffered far more than necessary already
gellaho
Wakka wakka
Agent of Fortune
Neither of them worked on the comic I don't think
FancyShark
"Homer Simpson! That'll never get old! I'll make sure of it."
Agent of Fortune
Burbank does suck
GDC
At least he clarified the reference he was making.
Brendan
Honestly, sex pest lesbian would have at least been new ground for a Native character if they hadn't prolapsed into tracker skills and raindancing.
Agent of Fortune
Tbf the reference is still current
LyraVarloid
so much wakka wakka and not cool mutant battles
gellaho
Be sure to send me an email
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Ow my head
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh yeah, Bobby doesnt know what gay is.
FancyShark
"You're horrible and unappealing, Bobby."
Agent of Fortune
I like how they gave the iceman analog the same name as iceman
Star King Flippant Sausage
I hate Gen13 so much.
LyraVarloid
how could she not be swept away by being called 'babe a licious' like she's food of some kind but also a baby? Why would that be unappealing?
gellaho
These guys know women
Star King Flippant Sausage
"I DONT KNOW WHY THIS LESBIAN I WORK WITH DOESNT WANT TO FUCK ME!"
"I complimented her and everything!"
Brendan
This was also firmly the age of "she doesn't want to fuck me, must be a lesbian" so he shouldn't even be confused.
FancyShark
Anna Nicole Smith, a reference that will never age badly
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"But then you had to be Anna Nicole Smith or something not to be"
gellaho
Ladies, amirite
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
RIGHT? Like I knew what a lesbian was at that exact moment in time.
Bobby has no excuse.
Agent of Fortune
Ugh
Brendan
hahaha, eat a dick, Bechdel Test
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Roxy with the both sides canard
gellaho
NAAAAAAAAAH
LyraVarloid
They then started pillow fighting as their clothes fell off
ha ha ha
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Bobby isnt so bad, you should fuck him a little so he leaves you alone." isnt the great idea you think it is Roxy.
Brendan
"hey, you know what would be really crazy?" Sarah's voice reached a baby pitch Roxy had never heard before.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
You know what would be really crazy?
If something FUCKING happened.
Brendan
"We should go to this book signing downtown and pick up pulp authors."
gellaho
Later, in the van, an extended discussion about Buffy the Vampire Slayer... The Movie
Agent of Fortune
Or some fucking
LyraVarloid
It's hard to make mutant powered people this dull but they've really managed.
Star King Flippant Sausage
THe one issue I read literally had Sarah spreading suntan lotion on Roxy as they talked about how hot Caitlin was and how much they wish Bobby and Grunge were less shitty.
gellaho
Hey, that dweeb fucked the business lady
FancyShark
Heroes took two seasons!
Brendan
I do not miss when we thought this was how cool guys talked.
GDC
Not wrong about Sarah Michelle gellar, to be fair.
LyraVarloid
The first season was SO good though or I remember it that way I haven't rewatched that shit in a long time
Brendan
The internet did a lot of damage to society and the environment but at least it leveled out our ideas of who's cool.
gellaho
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
That knowledge will keep me warm on the rest of the long march into collapse
FancyShark
Looking at this dialogue really shows how Joss Whedon felt revolutionary
gellaho
Maaaaaaaaaaaan
Brendan
Nobody thought this much about Kristy Swanson even then, and yes, we saw both Billy Madison and the Mortal Kombat that might have starred her.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Gen13 with the late surprise entry into Van Week!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hey Lynch. Have you considered that maybe you dont NEED to use superpowered teen soldiers for things? Maybe possibly they should NOT be doing this
Brendan
This is an old man's idea of cool teens by an old man who knows teens aren't as cool as they think they are.
FancyShark
Gas mileage estimation! YOU ARE ENTERTAINED!
Brendan
Seems much more like a Spawn job.
Or at least WildCATs, since people thought Daemonites were demons.
GDC
Or possibly Constantine.
FancyShark
He'd fuck it up and cry for a few issues first
Star King Flippant Sausage
Or one of the fifty other guys with names like "Deathblood" or "Killfist"
gellaho
I guess the sedan also has rocket boosters
Brendan
He gave women, like, THOUGHTS even if they were bodacious AND let Sarah Michelle Gellar star without breast augmentation! For REAL, dudes!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Have we tried sending in the SwatKATS? I know it sounds crazy but—
FancyShark
ROCKET! VAAAAAN!
Brendan
Okay, these are officially Ninja Turtles now.
gellaho
The rocket van is very inconspicuous
The arm thing
Agent of Fortune
Why does this hurt so much
Brendan
Grunge = Mike
Fairchild = Leo/Don
Burnout = Horny Raph
Everyone else = Tits
FancyShark
Because we lived it
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Honest to god all I can think of is how much cooler this would all be if The Eliminators were involved instead of these clowns.
LyraVarloid
What good would the sheet metal thing be, I'm so confused wouldn't being sheet metal any part of you be less than ideal?
gellaho
"They call me freefall because I can control gravity but all I can think of is dropping things"
FancyShark
"It's important I remind everyone of my name every time I use my powers!"
gellaho
"Tits and beautiful beings of pure light who should definitely step on me"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Rocks Rox! Wait
Brendan
Long way to say muscular redhead, Gel.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Bobby doesnt have the hang of this whole codename thing.
But its not that important because their enemies already know their real names.
Brendan
Rainmaker's last name is her codename.
gellaho
I.O. Keepers are what I call my hard drives
Brendan
Roxy's codename is her first name.
gellaho
As is Fairchild
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Familiar" despite going completely undescribed
FancyShark
Oh no! Not mean guns!
Agent of Fortune
Roxy is Freefall
Brendan
Caitlin hates her codename, which is near as i can tell about her skin tone.
gellaho
Her first name is not "Freefall"
That would be too stupid even for this
Brendan
Freefal Roxy Percival Chang, yes tit is.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Please, Freefall was my mother. Call me Roxanne.
Agent of Fortune
Did you miss the whole bit where she shouted "This is why they call me Freefall"
FancyShark
I'm shocked you can still differentiate stupidities after this
Brendan
I miss SO MUCH with two pets who hate each other.
I've got a cat clawing at the doorframe as we type
gellaho
Get someone in here to describe helicopter sounds that has never heard a helicopter
gellaho
I'm an expert
Agent of Fortune
My cat is yelling at me for dinner
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"We cannot get out."
gellaho
Beep Boop
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
The recognizable shuddering of helicopters
Fuck yeah, random robot portrait!
Brendan
IO Keepers are the Foot Clan of this book
gellaho
Scattertaser
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Bobby performed an aerial maneuver"
"Elaborate on that"
"No"
FancyShark
"She's wafting us!"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Does anyone know how intense a gravity field needs to be before it causes ions to change direction?
Because I do not but I bet its alot.
gellaho
Scatter Tom A Swift's Electronic Rifle
FancyShark
I think it's no more than three or four
Brendan
They make superbattles read like local paper sports articles.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
If they show up with scattertasers on gravcrystal surfboards these kids are fucked
Star King Flippant Sausage
SO yeah I think Roxy has godlike power but is too stupid to use it.
gellaho
Excessive
Brendan
Roxy controls gravity right?
gellaho
I guess
Brendan
Freefall is the worst possible name she could have
FancyShark
"In other news, civilians were maimed by several meteors thrown by a child. And now Dan, with the weather..."
gellaho
Seems to mostly consist of her lifting and dropping things
You could literally make anything attract anything else
But I bet the writer's don't know that's what gravity is
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
She's more of a Controlleddrop, really
Brendan
This team is two idiots and three babes. It's basically Bosom Buddies
LyraVarloid
'awfully good at throwing down with bad men' and then they pat themselves on the back and went out for drinks
Star King Flippant Sausage
I like how shes precious about Tom exploding heads and stuff but Bobby just sent that guy to the hospital and he will never open his own ketchup bottles or stop screaming again.
FancyShark
She knocked him out but let his hands keep melting
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Fuck them hands.
gellaho
Like, she should be able to make all these bad guys and their vehicles form a giant ball
But she just lifts and drops things
Or send them all into space
Star King Flippant Sausage
She should have killed him mercifully, I dont think henchtroopers have good medical insurance.
Agent of Fortune
We wanted action, we should've been careful what we wished for
gellaho
His what now
FancyShark
hahahahaha
what the fuck
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Detroit-hard, in that it had a rough collapse that it's never really recovered from, even with Viagra
Star King Flippant Sausage
His all-American, Motor City, Built in the US of A steel hard skin.
gellaho
ELECTRO-KNIFE
Brendan
So why isn't Grunge just constantly absorbing his teammates to be their Super Skrull?
FancyShark
Lunge at Grunge
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Hai yah!"
"Hello to you too."
Agent of Fortune
Nrrrgh
FancyShark
Restraining orders
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also Grunge knows martial arts.
Brendan
Except caitlin who has softer skin than steel.
GDC
Electroknife guy is bad at knives.
Star King Flippant Sausage
He's Asian, you see.
Brendan
Fairer, too.
Soft, white, supple teen flesh...AHEM!
gellaho
That's not, what?
Brendan
Sorry, gotta save that for my Gen 13 novel: Skydiplomacy
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hahaha Grunge is fucking Beyblading
Star King Flippant Sausage
Except you'd never figure out he was Asian by reading the comic if you missed out on his backstory.
GDC
Grunge did the Kirk hammer punch.
FancyShark
Cheapass helmets
Star King Flippant Sausage
All their money goes to cybertit upkeep.
gellaho
"Ugh, crush and be disgusted by me, Caitlin!"
LyraVarloid
this towns finished!
FancyShark
"Body language" is a new term for "boner"
gellaho
"Call me a pig, Caitlin!"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Caitlin is used to a better grade of dead eyed power armored killer.
Ozzie
"began to sob with tears" so just sobbing like regular then
FancyShark
"I'm cured! I used to sob spiders!"
gellaho
There are easier ways to kill someone
FancyShark
It's good these kids are having fun murdering these men
Brendan
So Grunge can now become the actual functional form of things, not just material, and he hasn't tried to turn his dick into spanish fly? I call bullshit. I know how '90s brah culture thought.
gellaho
Maybe you only need Bobby and Sarah
gellaho
What with control over the elements
LyraVarloid
they were joking about him turning into cereal earlier so they could devour him, all things are on the table
Star King Flippant Sausage
Grunge has definitely tried to make his dick vibrate like a Sybian.
gellaho
And Roxy is too dumb to use her power over one of the fundamental forces of the universe
They're all hungry after smelling the keepers cook inside their armor
Brendan
One of these teammates is not an elemental
FancyShark
So strong
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
And not even green or orange to make up for it.
Brendan
and HUGE!
Star King Flippant Sausage
And hot, dont forget hot.
FancyShark
So so hot
Brendan
some say she gets bigger the more a man desires to be crushed beneath her giantess heel.
gellaho
The 3 idiots from the airport were also thete
Brendan
An Erotic Hulk, if you will.
LyraVarloid
clearly we will
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Manning, Bozzi, and Sir Not Appearing In This Book
gellaho
WE ARE INVISIBLE
LyraVarloid
I keep forgetting about the horn
FancyShark
Just like the authors
Star King Flippant Sausage
Once again, the evil organization doesnt stop to think that if their regular dipshits in armor could beat the superpowered weirdos, they wouldnt need superpowered weirdos.
gellaho
Luckily, the Cardinal is a time wizard
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Does anyone else miss the Frank and Joe ghost writers
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Wow, that's genuinely a cool power.
FancyShark
Hold on
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Didn't think they had it in them.
FancyShark
He can do that but can't fix a hole in the gates of Hell?
GDC
So I guess between them they essentially control reality. Except Caitlin.
gellaho
Adorable
FancyShark
She's the center of reality
gellaho
She's so relatable
And hot
Ozzie
Love that it specifies that he didn't leave the van to astral project.
A+ wizard shit
FancyShark
So hot
Star King Flippant Sausage
He can but he just wants to spend time with some young people. Makes him feel like he has company.
Brendan
the cardinal can rewind time, so what if the horn gets stolen
gellaho
Holy fuck, no way!
gellaho
Unbelievable
Brendan
Who's immune to it!
FancyShark
HIDE ME!
Brendan
Guys, I know we started out joking, but hear me out--what if Caitlin really does step on us? Assuming she's 18, and everything. God, that would be so, so funny. And maybe a little hot. But wouldn't that be crazy, if she actually did the thing we're all joking about and it turned out to be an erotic journey? I'm laughing RRRN just thinking about it.
gellaho
Anyway, Martin gets eaten by demons
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Go feed your cat Brendan
GDC
And take a cold shower.
Brendan
This author spent more time describing what demons look like than what the three female leads project as people.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Well sucks to be Martin but he should have known better than to be a normal dude in an Image comic.
gellaho
MEANWHILE: TELEPORTATION EXISTS
Brendan
I am actually going to take an unrelated cold shower.
gellaho
But don't expect it in this book
Brendan
The cat remains at the doorway giving me a guilt-inducing stare
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Of course" they have teleportation. Of course.
Brendan
Guys, the DEMONS are in VEGAS because it's the city of SIN
It's called THEMEBUILDING and a lot of authors are doing it.
Star King Flippant Sausage
If you can rebuild a woman and give her lethal cybertits you can build a teleporter.
gellaho
Trying to come up with a fake casino and that's what you decide on?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"I know authors who use subtlety and they're all cowards."
gellaho
That's a shitty haunted house
GDC
We've all played Half Life.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Screamland is where Eustace here wishes Caitlin would take him
Star King Flippant Sausage
Man I can think of a few things I would hate more than a horror themed casino but none of them off the top of my head.
FancyShark
The only thing more fun than a haunted house is one that smells like cigarettes and debt
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Horror has always been more of a carnival gig anyway.
gellaho
No second pass at this backstory
FancyShark
It looks like you're trying to create a Russian Villain backstory. Would you like help with that?
gellaho
Pretty sure it just opens the door, lady
Star King Flippant Sausage
Stick to stupid teens, writer. The differences between the by then long dead Soviet Union, Cuba, China, and North Korea are far beyond your talents.
gellaho
It's like saying you can control me if you had my garage door opener
Star King Flippant Sausage
Ivana. This is a stupid plan.
gellaho
Riveting
Star King Flippant Sausage
Even for a comic book. Even for a villain in an IMAGE comic book.
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
Lol this book took time to talk about norco California
Ozzie
Well hang on, this is important Fallout lore
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
As someone from norco, fuck this book
GDC
She wants to open a portal to hell, but for America, damnit!
FancyShark
Spawn had a villain whose whole plan was "kill mobsters and hope the cops think it's someone else so he'll be inconvenienced". And that was the most popular villain they had!
gellaho
Fuck you, that is not a chapter break
gellaho
Goddammit
FancyShark
"Here we go. With the hearing. The hearing of it. Right now. Yessir."
Brendan
Tyrants might get nukes, so America needs a hellgate is so stupid it's unflatteringly plausible in the right these days.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
CARDINALLL
(This is the chapter break)
CARDINALLL
(When will we be free from this paiiiiin)
Brendan
Loved you in Game of Thrones, every British actor.
gellaho
"I wish they had invented paper 500 years ago so I could have written my birthday down"
Star King Flippant Sausage
You know, if you hate communism so much you are willing to turn Earth into a satrap of Hell, you might be a bad person.
Brendan
You say that, but are you willing to leave this hedge trimmer exposed to elements and thieves, or will you do as I command?
Brendan
You're gonna hate the chapter where the kids stop for an Its-It and debate the best flavor (mint).
Star King Flippant Sausage
God what was it with these fucking comics and old men rattling on about how old they are?
gellaho
The Night Tribes
Star King Flippant Sausage
The night tribes are the right tribes.
gellaho
DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT HEDGE TRIMMER, I JUST GOT IT
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Seems problematic
Ozzie
This book could be worse, they could've put in Freefall's pet queelocke:
Brendan
It's heroic that anyone this old would talk to teenagers.
GDC
How are sea monsters evil? They're just plesiosaurs.
FancyShark
The Second Inquisition. What a show.
Brendan
"Say what you will about the Holocaust but it got all the werewolves out of the Black Forest."
Star King Flippant Sausage
Krakens keep eating the goddam fiber optic cable we need to keep the web running.
GDC
I didn't expect the second inquisition.
gellaho
BEHOLD THE DIPLOMATIC WORKS OF THE MEDIATOR
gellaho
Are you not entertained by his mediating?
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Brendan
"And you, Rainmaker. Would you criticize the trail of tears if the Wendigo still prowled North Dakota?"
"Mister, that's three different time z--"
"And YOU, Caitlin. What about the Irish Famine. No more faeries to bedevil YOUR perfect skin!"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
The Pope could really have made this spell less, uh, shit for you, huh
NostraThomas TommyG
That's some serious mediating!!
My heart is in my throat…
Oh wait…
That's not my heart
🤮
FancyShark
You lost almost 330 people before you got a sit-down with the vampires? Dude, the Boston Massacre was five people and that shit was infamous
GDC
He's referencing a story that seems far more interesting than the one we're reading.
NostraThomas TommyG
Yeah but the Massacre was adjusted for inflation
Brendan
He stopped the monsters by suing for peace.
Star King Flippant Sausage
God this old man is so boring he's making Vampire the Masquerade seem dull.
gellaho
And it goes on and on and on
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Reddit found the innocent schoolteacher who did it though so it evens out
NostraThomas TommyG
Yet better than Vampire: Requiem First Edition
Star King Flippant Sausage
Because this would be a hell of a WOD campaign.
Brendan
Have you noticed all the movie-budget portions of this book happen before this book starts?
I came here for sexy steel-skinned teens, what is happening.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hero: The Conversing
gellaho
THE MEDIATOR
Brendan
If Rex Moran were going to show up it would be right now.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Mediator: The Aging
Brendan
hhahahaha this fossil is still going
Classic Rex.
LyraVarloid
remember exhiliration? what that was like?
Star King Flippant Sausage
How the fuck is this at all relevant to their situation?
NostraThomas TommyG
God, this is worse than listening to a Toreador lecture on brush strokes
Star King Flippant Sausage
WHy do they need to read this authors Vampire campaign notes?
FancyShark
Spawn covered the entirety of Todd MacFarlane's dipshit mythology in one comic issue and these writers can't clear the Renaissance
Brendan
"And then in the 18th, century, children. I fell in love. His name was Tomas. He was an altar boy..."
NostraThomas TommyG
Let's not pull on that thread
gellaho
To be given eternal life by God and still not have faith is a level of bullshit I cannot imagine
Brendan
I'm flipping out to the X-treme for REAL, dudes. I can't stop laughing at God's decrepit troubleshooter.
NostraThomas TommyG
I told you that in confidence!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Well to be fair, having confirmation God is real and a little bit of an asshole would make it hard to have faith in the strictest sense.
gellaho
Moving forward
FancyShark
"So, why can't you fix the gate?"
"I'm very old."
Brendan
God died for your sins unless you touch His shit.
gellaho
No idea who that is
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its clearly Flash Gordon.
Brendan
Adrian Veidt
GDC
It looks like Donald Trump as drawn by Ben Garrison.
gellaho
New York New York New York
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
As opposed to New York, North Korea
Brendan
Ah yes, the famous Hard Rock guitar, visible from...space.
Star King Flippant Sausage
New york new york, as opposed to Neo New New York.
gellaho
The fuck is this conversation
LyraVarloid
The editor nods 'yes how else will they know which new york? now tell me more about caitlin'
NostraThomas TommyG
It's their first day as humans
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Shut the fuck up Lynch
Brendan
I think these teens hate each other.
NostraThomas TommyG
Typical image comic then
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
The Mormons didn't build this town. Moe Green did.
FancyShark
Then we finally relate to them
gellaho
Like an excited puppy
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fuuuuuuuuuck I do not CARE about the Mormons and how they built Las Vegas or whateverrrr.
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
i read this as Caitlin' like Caitling is a verb that was being shortened in a folksy way and i will never read it a different way
Ozzie
Caitlin's a misdemeanor in these parts
FancyShark
"My bugle talks to me."
"That's nice, Grampa."
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Upon reflection, the Mormons being this closely connected to hell makes a lot of sense.
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Aw shucks, y'all wanna go Caitlin' down by the creek?"
Brendan
Mormon organized crime must be some really interesting stuff.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
They just call it the church.
Brendan
Let's diverge into THAT for twenty pages, shall we?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Maaaaan
gellaho
Jesus, these teens suck
gellaho
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
He was Caitlin' my little cousin and i just couldn't stand fer that, i had to smack him a bit.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Are we gonna get a short essay about the Nauvoo Legion?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
She was Caitlin on my Horn until I Grunge
Brendan
Caitlin's a minor miss.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Thank you, goodnight!
Brendan
With parts.
FancyShark
You could do something about that, Sarah. You could burn it down. All of it. And all of them.
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Hard time holding onto his horn around all these teens, huh.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Just cardinal things
gellaho
I don't know if these two have ever been to a casino
Brendan
I love that we have four idiots and one snob who hate that they're horny for each other, so the author drops the world's oldest priest in their midst to catalyze their dynamic to a crawl.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
The King Suite is reserved for Elvis, obviously.
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
I'll settle for the Hill suite, thanks.
FancyShark
Squealing automatic doors are the best way to ensure your guests enjoy their stay
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Brave is the superhero team that thinks to include a California raisin
Brendan
What's the LEAST Gen13 thing imaginable? Pentacentarian priest lawyer/diplomat.
gellaho
The wacky nineties, maaaaaaaaaaaan
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Again, I need to play this game.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I had a feeling I'd be needing that image tonight
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah it seems like fucking my giant cybertit assassin boss and doing embezzlement seems like a real bad idea, but you do you.
gellaho
"Cuck me with your dweebiest underling, Ivana!"
Brendan
That's Vegas, baby!!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its pretty good but has some adventure game moon logic stuff.
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
The Koontz suite is exactly like the King suite only shabbier.
FancyShark
I think most of us went through a phase where we were up for opening the gates of hell for the person that took our virginity
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Oh I am well experienced in that.
Brendan
Again, Catholic, so for me it's all one euphemism.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Phase?
FancyShark
I said "most"
Brendan
Koontz suite is two ideas for a room repeated the length of the entire floor.
Ozzie
There are entire fucking Meat Loaf albums about this
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I was introduced to Star Wars before organized religion and in the long run I think it was better for me
gellaho
Ho, hum
FancyShark
And no one ever reports a missing relative in Vegas
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Minor incidents, like paying customers being devoured
This is why you never let guests rent the Donner suite
gellaho
What do you think a casino is
Star King Flippant Sausage
"this certainly didnt register to Lolly as a red flag when it came to employment."
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
forty foot long sarcophagus?!?!?!?!
What is this room??
Star King Flippant Sausage
Stupid.
Ozzie
For ancient Egyptian Sentinel robots
gellaho
Subtle satire
FancyShark
I dunno. It feels too cheery for a casino.
gellaho
Wakka wakka
LyraVarloid
this is such a stark example of how this story could have not sucked so bad
BlindMonkey
I worry this is how my work sounds half the time
gellaho
Ozzie
Not the worst Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanart I've seen
Brendan
This is not the Roxy of my youth
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yours is much more entertaining.
Brendan
Thorn, right?
gellaho
Feel like I literally just read this
LyraVarloid
it does not
Ozzie
I was just being glib, I don't know what specifically you're referring to
Star King Flippant Sausage
For a comic mostly about teen tits and superpowered fights this is an extraordinarily boring novelization.
FancyShark
Somehow the only part of this that doesn't feel right is someone using nickels at a slot machine
BlindMonkey
Now that's some speed-read friendly repetition
Groundhog Day-Core
Brendan
Not wrong though.
GDC
They got to the sad part of the casino.
FancyShark
Yeah. The inside! DOOOHOHOHOHOHO
LyraVarloid
I locked my gaze redly on the icee dispenser at 3am at the ez mart
Agent of Fortune
Legit looks like Fray
gellaho
Except, you know, you have super powers
BlindMonkey
Cruise ship casinos are some kind of hell portal
Agent of Fortune
Why do these book Cage presentations always make me need to lie down in a cool dark place
Star King Flippant Sausage
God I wish zombies would eat these dipshits, but no such luck.
FancyShark
That means they're working
gellaho
KILL THE POSSESSED INNOCENTS
FancyShark
There's the Image touch!
Agent of Fortune
Wait did they just kill a bunch of innocent people
Brendan
This turned into a Scooby Doo Episode so slowly I almost didn't notice.
gellaho
"Oh, yes, crush me"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Casino customers aren't "people"
LyraVarloid
blood sprayed grunge is a good song title tho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It's not cruelty if we don't care what happens to them
GDC
They aren't even possessed, they're just old and confused.
FancyShark
DEVILS!
gellaho
You know, gravity bubbles
BlindMonkey
War is hell. And by war, I mean loitering near superheroes.
Brendan
What was the plan if they were wrong about burning them alive
Star King Flippant Sausage
Roxy could deal with this in an instant but shes rolled a six and failed her Stupidity check.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Staying completely off the radar
GDC
The sound of hundreds of hips shattering filled the casino.
Brendan
Feels like this could all have been avoided by taking the stairs.
Brendan
I mean "Burn them" shouldn't precede "Hey, they ARE possessed!"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also if zombies seem unfazed by fire, you just keep burning them. Turn them to ash, you fuckin wuss.
FancyShark
Stairs are locked. And you have to go to the desk for the key. That's too tedious.
gellaho
"I wanted the girls to touch, OK? Fuck, fine, here's some bullshit about leverage"
Brendan
19-year-olds beating up the elderly is my thing and I'm done apologizing for it.
BlindMonkey
Nah, we gotta go Dynasty Warriors on four nursing homes' worth of casino visitors.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Something's unsettling about this, all right
Star King Flippant Sausage
You're not cooking lunch, you can just turn them to piles of crunchy dust and bone flakes.
Agent of Fortune
"Caitlin lifted her up by her firm young buttocks"
FancyShark
The Senior Center shuttle outside is wondering why everyone's taking so long
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Do not pursue Lu Bu. He's on his way to cash out his winnings and nothing and no one will stop him.
Star King Flippant Sausage
JUST REVERSE GRAVITY YOU MOO!
Brendan
Feels like a fire violation. But as long as nobody who can produce unlimited quantities of fire comes in here we should get away with it.
gellaho
"Why can't Ivana be real so she can call me a disgusting little piggy"
LyraVarloid
then repeat it for 17 more games changing not a thing
GDC
I don't think that's what irony is.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Whats ironic about it, Ivana?
Brendan
Ivana is a man-eater for freedom.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Men in uniform love to be told what to do.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It's like rain on your wedding day, I think
Brendan
She's going to have her own Fox show if she survives this.
Agent of Fortune
This would be way funnier if her name was Ivanka
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Gina Carano IS: Ivana Whatserface
Brendan
Joe Biden IS: Rainmaker
LyraVarloid
I really don't understand what's deliciously ironic about that but hey I'm not great at understanding people.
gellaho
"I wish Ivana would tell me my work was good. Nobody else does"
Brendan
Guys in uniform are the MOST submissive.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Image never did get the license for Thesaurus Man.
Brendan
They have the entire hierarchy above them.
@Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood. will back me up on this.
BlindMonkey
There was a specific moment in studio superhero thirst and dubstep ascendance where we could have had "Bangarang" playing over the great geriatric purge.
Agent of Fortune
Grimoire is my favorite Malibu character
Brendan
'00s would have been the best time for a '90s Gen X movie.
FancyShark
"Yes, we just took Badrock and gave him horns. But you can't tell! And he's still an Image property!"
gellaho
"Oh, my God, she's so strong and smart and hot"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I doomed my country and the entire world but hot lady patted me on the head, aw shucks
Brendan
Roxy pushing those fuckers to the floor while the mandatory "Ballroom Blitz" cicada emerges.
Agent of Fortune
SWAMP
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
I'm here to back Brendan up
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"Yesss! Yesss, Caitlin, break my rubber seeeeal…!!!"
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Who I gotta cut
Agent of Fortune
Better: "Bodies"
Brendan
"Now you dudes have FALLEN and you can't GET UP!" chuckles Grunge, knowing he means erections.
LyraVarloid
I wasn't challenging him I promise
Brendan
Okay, but only the Richard Cheese version.
LyraVarloid
I was confused about submissive irony
or something like that
FancyShark
"Where's my grandson?" one of the shapes mutters
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It's like good advice that you just can't take
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
dw babe I'll teach you all about it or something
Agent of Fortune
Oh man this book totally needs a circa 2002 Roadrunner Records "soundtrack"
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LyraVarloid
submissive irony is like aggressive coppery right?
Agent of Fortune
IF YOU'RE 555 THEN I'M 666
gellaho
Ivana sends the three stooges to capture a demon
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh I thought aggressive coppery was what they called hitting someone with a copper pot was.
gellaho
Ah
FancyShark
Generic Man
Brendan
Darth Maul: Mediator
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Zounds. A daemon.
Brendan
I just want to know how the negotiations with the monster coalition went.
GDC
That was the most invested I've been in this book
Brendan
Like did they arrive and get to it or was there some awkward "Welcome, can I get you vampires a drink?"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Maybe sending the guy with a stutter to summon demons is a bad idea. Like good for him for trying things outside his wheelhouse, and stanning his queen and all but you need precise enunciation for this.
Agent of Fortune
New soundtrack for this book https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7z22qh9MEE9bZUEXT3zT1O?si=nWN6gguoRkiJV0ap5cS04g
FancyShark
LyraVarloid
I feel like any minute now things will burst back into historical time negotiations.
Brendan
Boy, the whole school's really buzzing about Ivana and Melvin going all the way.
Star King Flippant Sausage
And his henchmen are joking about it like fucking teenagers.
FancyShark
I hear they tried to summon demons to save America. And Melvin says they totally made out.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
A demon lord tears out of the sarcophagus screaming about how the time has come to renegotiate the clause concerning telegraph poles Hell owes to its creditors
Agent of Fortune
Yeah, why are the bad guys trying to open the gate to hell?
Brendan
What I heard was she let him open her small hole in the gates of hell.
FancyShark
For AMERICA
Agent of Fortune
Like, did anybody stop to ask that just because they can, should they?
gellaho
Dr Seuss ghostwrote this section
FancyShark
No, seriously. They're trying to summon Hell for America
Star King Flippant Sausage
Look, you can ask Ivana a question but someone is getting penetrated.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I mean I guess he would know, the way he treated his wife and all
GDC
There's a horn that will close the gates to hell but they're already closed.but it doesn't matter because there's a hole in the door.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Not a very good human being, that Theodore
FancyShark
I'm deliberately not going to look up what that means
gellaho
Bivouacked, sure
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
To be fair, it is a word used correctly in this context.
FancyShark
Two floors of a hotel and no one knows they're there
Brendan
They can't even fight Grunge.
Star King Flippant Sausage
WHY WOULD YOU NOT TAKE IT LITERALLY?!
Agent of Fortune
Look, there's a lot of bureaucracy that would go into putting the soldiers there, that's the least believable part of this book
LyraVarloid
all those simulated demon battles didn't prepare us for this!
Brendan
Grunge is 17 and permanently baked.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Like your normal job involves comic book shit, why would "Okay heres how you fight a demon...." be the bridge too far?!
Agent of Fortune
He's never been the same since he absorbed that weed plant
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
God I wish that were me
Brendan
This is like sending stormtroopers against the sith
FancyShark
You're keeping your army in the hotel where guests keep getting eaten. How many soldiers do you still have?
LyraVarloid
I sure haven't been, it was love at first observation
Brendan
600. 597 if we're not counting the possessed ones who will turn their rifles on their friends.
gellaho
Bivouacked indeed
Agent of Fortune
Hey it's Doom
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hahaha they got Cabin in the Woodsed
Brendan
DUHHHH BOSS I DON'T LIKE-A DIS SLOTTAHAUZ
GDC
No shit, Bozzi.
Brendan
Bozzi instinctively knew this was the wrong kind of slaughter of a barracks.
gellaho
Do you like colors?
FancyShark
Bozzi noticed the ice machine isn't working
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh who would have thought all this demon summoning would go wrong?
Brendan
Perhaps it had something to do with that parliament of demons he had seen
Star King Flippant Sausage
Manning......what do you think demons ARE?
Time on earth?
Brendan
Slacker Demons
FancyShark
Oohhhhhh, okay. This is an allegory about the dangers of scurvy
Agent of Fortune
Are these the three useless idiots from the airport?
Brendan
Grunge, turn into orange juice, part of a balanced breakfast alongside PB Cap'n Crunch!
Maybe the cereal that scores everyone's mouth and tastes like candied cat shit was the real demon all along.
gellaho
What a break
gellaho
Brendan
FACT-CHECK do demons breathe
FancyShark
Only if it's to be gross
Brendan
I was explicitly told these demons spoke Latin.
You're telling me Manning works with an Italian like Bozzi and doesn't speak his devil-tongue??
Star King Flippant Sausage
Little late to be thinking about how bad this idea was, MANNING!
Agent of Fortune
This is creating a war in my nethers
NostraThomas TommyG
Every breath they take, every move they make, they'll be rainbow brite
Agent of Fortune
Specifically my butt
Brendan
Or earth tone!
But not pastel.
LyraVarloid
Are they good kissers is what you're asking.
Agent of Fortune
NEVER pastel
NostraThomas TommyG
That's the truly diabolic color
gellaho
That's all it takes, kids
gellaho
Try it at home
Agent of Fortune
I have
Brendan
THIS IS A SUPERHERO SCI-FI COMIC
Star King Flippant Sausage
Demons love St. Peter.
Can't get enough of the guy.
Agent of Fortune
That's how I wound up here
Brendan
Legitimately every page could be a fight scene and nobody would have to spend a week drawing it.
NostraThomas TommyG
SB5 was a pretty weak Star Trek spin off
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
We could be reading Hellboy right now.
Brendan
I'm getting tall "Who wants this week's assignment" metrics from this plot.
Star King Flippant Sausage
What kind of bullshit summoning chamber has electric lights?!
Agent of Fortune
One of these co-writers wrote some Hellboy novels
gellaho
I feel like the candles are a pointless middleman here
FancyShark
You're not filled with adrenaline at [checks notes] a library?
Brendan
"Got a licensed comic here, uhh, Gen to the 13th?"
NostraThomas TommyG
The FABULOUS kind
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
w h a t
Brendan
Demons can't stand flames.
It is known.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Famously intolerant of the smell of brimstone as well
Star King Flippant Sausage
Roxy...........you fucking............
Agent of Fortune
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Golden
Star King Flippant Sausage
Roxy you are such a stupid cow.
Brendan
Girl, how did you fling those candles without extinguishing them.
gellaho
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
FancyShark
Candles. The bullets of nerds
Star King Flippant Sausage
You could have thrown lit candles at demons BY HAND.
NostraThomas TommyG
IT's GENIUS!!
Bobby shoots fire instead of ice!
It's a twist!!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
This team maneuver worked exactly as well as the pebble dance in the AtLA movie.
Agent of Fortune
This seems familiar
LyraVarloid
Jesus Caitlin take it down a notch
FancyShark
"We have Fastball Special at home"
Agent of Fortune
Speedy ball special?
gellaho
"Maybe he'll step on me"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Weirdly Supernatural Flesh is my new grunge band name, do not steal
NostraThomas TommyG
Yo Kat!
Can you tell me what it's like to have a Roni?
LyraVarloid
There are more polite ways to approach that than insulting someone in the middle of your demon battle.
Hey, Punisher got spanked by Eminem. There was no way to go but up
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fuckin.........BARRY WHITE!?
Agent of Fortune
So he has a thing for bringing supernatural elements into series that should never have anything to do with the supernatural
FancyShark
Something tells me he got rejected from writing Ghost Rider and it broke him
gellaho
Brrrrrr, not cool
Star King Flippant Sausage
That was image's thing at the time so I imagine he found a natural home there.
NostraThomas TommyG
Barry White?
Horn?
This is no longer PGen13
LyraVarloid
Can't get enough of your Horn Baby.
I keep hearing him singing it now
Brendan
You could have created a jet wind tunnel and flung flame down it. You could have crushed the demons against the wall. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
GDC
The weather witch has abandoned lighting in favor of unpleasant slush
NostraThomas TommyG
Don't start pulling on that thread, honey
Brendan
This guy only has one idea and it's "What if this superhero fought hell?"
FancyShark
You control gravity! Every one of these demons should be jelly on the walls!
gellaho
"Ugh, she's so stroooooong"
gellaho
NostraThomas TommyG
Oh, honey…
Agent of Fortune
Why is the token ethnic person on these teams the one that controls the weather?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Don't worry about it
Star King Flippant Sausage
I assume at some point he had a second idea and it was "What if a superhero WAS Hell?!"
FancyShark
Because whites think outdoors are icky
NostraThomas TommyG
They don't have a good union
Brendan
Because raindance.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Am a white, can confirm
gellaho
Alright, bye
FancyShark
And then Todd MacFarlane would clear his throat
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hahahaha they just fucking leave????
NostraThomas TommyG
And watch Rob Liefeld bang his wife
NostraThomas TommyG
The book is almost over
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Shut the fuck up Todd, that's not what I mean. Also you can't count, so you dont even get to say anything in these meetings."
FancyShark
"Armageddon's canceled. Everyone out."
Agent of Fortune
Don't get our hopes up like that
Brendan
Well, that was a fun battle with nameless cannon fodder that had no discernible goal or stakes.
NostraThomas TommyG
I'm an eternal optimist
Agent of Fortune
The best kind!
FancyShark
Adventure!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
At least we had one
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
In every other thing I've read, demons would be fighting each other to be top dog, never mind slinking off.
FancyShark
The senior center driver is wondering if he should go check if something's wrong
NostraThomas TommyG
But Modred…Superheroes and stuff…
gellaho
"Hey there"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Gen13 subverts expectations, that's what geniuses do right?
Brendan
Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Superheroes are supposed to be the best of us. But did you ever think, what if, a demon was real? How would it test our heroes? Imagine with me if you dare.
Agent of Fortune
In everything I've read with demons there would be tentacle never mind
Star King Flippant Sausage
The gritty Beatles reboot nobody asked for or deserved.
Brendan
Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Demons offer us what we most want at a cost of our worst flaw. But what if a hero has no flaws? I hope you enjoy Tommy's Big Adventure. Soundtrack by Korn.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Man, and I thought nothing happened in <NAME OF RECENT MARVEL STUDIOS RELEASE>
Agent of Fortune
I'M JUST A FREAK ON A LEASH
FancyShark
Brendan
Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Angels are so fucking hot, right? But what if an angel were a dick? Please enjoy FORBIDDEN PASSION UNBOUND: Angela vs. Fairchild, part 1 in the Image Stripped seven-part Literotica series.
Star King Flippant Sausage
I had a friend in like 4th or 5th grade who was absolutely obsessed with Image comics and swore up and down they were the best comics. At the time I thought he was just exaggerating but now I think he might have been an idiot.
NostraThomas TommyG
You know, the Angeline v Glory swimsuit issue had better writing
gellaho
The Keepers start fighting the demons. Time to steal some ideas
Agent of Fortune
If it's Literotica one would be a literal dick
FancyShark
Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Neil Gaiman is a big mean jerk who won't share. Also, boobs.
NostraThomas TommyG
"And he handed me my ass in court!"
Brendan
Why didn't they shoot these at Grunge
gellaho
Just lessen the stakes a little bit
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
"We have changed the face of man portable directed energy weaponry forever, tell no one and only use it on teen supers and demons"
FancyShark
I feel seen
NostraThomas TommyG
"And then sold the character Angela to Marvel?!"
Brendan
hold up hold up
why didn't they use these when the demons were slaughtering them?
why do the demons suddenly care about physical damage
NostraThomas TommyG
Oh sweetie…
Star King Flippant Sausage
Because plot contrivance.
Brendan
WHAT IS
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Man. So many Star Trek villains would be solved if they just sent in the MACOs first.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
my people are so persecuted
FancyShark
The demons were eating Bravo Squad. Alpha Squad was still getting their stretches in
NostraThomas TommyG
Are we ABSOLUTELY sure Chuck Austin didn't ghostwrite this?
gellaho
Welp there goes the dweeb. Weirdly violent I would say
Brendan
Which people?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Tight hammies, their Achilles heel!
Agent of Fortune
IMAGE
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Demons
LyraVarloid
Demonsssss
Agent of Fortune
Canadians
FancyShark
Lew died harder than he ever lived
Brendan
BAVARIAN!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Lew...........you didnt plan for this?
Star King Flippant Sausage
YOU WATCHED HER KILL A MAN!
NostraThomas TommyG
No more 5 knuckle shuffle
Brendan
Lew learned too late not to stick your dick in crazy or your fingers in Deathstrike
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He didn't even plan for what would happen if demons are real
Agent of Fortune
Wish.com Deathstrike
gellaho
There goes another one, although I'm not sure what happened
Star King Flippant Sausage
And never learned that if you do both those things, just.......have a plan for her inevitable betrayal.
FancyShark
That's...that's the same question
gellaho
Moving right along
Brendan
Wait wait no it's never stick your dick in Deathstrike or your fingers in Vienna sausages
Chapter 14: Grifter Again
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hahaha we're hitting reruns
Agent of Fortune
Shit, too late
Brendan
I think we absolutely established she knows her anatomy.
FancyShark
Maybe not as thoroughly as Lew did
Agent of Fortune
She pays people to know that for her
gellaho
Gravity shield
GDC
I think we've all had her anatomy described to us
FancyShark
So we're not retreating now? Apocalypse is back on? Okay
Brendan
I wish Golden thought about his protagonists half as much as he ponders hell.
NostraThomas TommyG
I think we're supposed to envision them in our mind's eye 👁️
Mine just rolled back
Star King Flippant Sausage
I wish he'd just went to seminary school instead of writing comics.
Agent of Fortune
Gravity shield is about as dumb as invisible woman's force shield
gellaho
Wrecked
NostraThomas TommyG
That way he could molest kids instead of our brains
Star King Flippant Sausage
Nobody who isnt a priest should think about hell this much unless they are actively running a D&D game.
Agent of Fortune
Tommy no
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hahaha get fucked Grunge
Star King Flippant Sausage
He could fuck nuns too, plenty of that happens.
NostraThomas TommyG
I'm sorry
Brendan
Which one? This vessel has so many!
NostraThomas TommyG
You know what the priest said to the nun about abortion?
Agent of Fortune
Oh good they're having sexual tension between the out lesbian and a guy
NostraThomas TommyG
Chasing Amy part deux
NostraThomas TommyG
"I think we should get one."
Brendan
Sarah just hasn't met the right penis yet.
gellaho
"So stroooooong"
Brendan
My best friend in HS was born of such a union!
FancyShark
They held classes in the hotel where guests get randomly eaten
Star King Flippant Sausage
His dad was like Danny DeVito in Twins, an honorable lineage.
NostraThomas TommyG
Lecture & a buffet
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Classes on how to win at gambling, one assumes
Agent of Fortune
So this is all happening in the sub basement of a casino?
Brendan
the PERFECT venue!
Some might even call it...DELICIOUSLY ironic.
NostraThomas TommyG
Good hot doggers?
Is this supposed to make me feel positive things about Mormonism?
Cause I thought with the demons and all
Brendan
At the bottom of a den of vice one finds...HELL? Oh, wicked, wicked fate!
Agent of Fortune
Everything should, Tommy
Brendan
No, that's WildCATs
Every WildCAT gets their own planet.
NostraThomas TommyG
I sit corrected
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
What about the SwatKATS? Do they get their own planets?
NostraThomas TommyG
Sheesh spoiler alert for 3.0
NostraThomas TommyG
They get to randomly kill the minority aliens
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Can I at least go to Callie Briggs' planet when I die? Where do I file that petition?
NostraThomas TommyG
I dunno
Are you pasty enough?
Star King Flippant Sausage
busy snickering to himself thinking about Swatkats bombing dogs.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Easily
Finally staying inside for years pays off!
NostraThomas TommyG
Away you go, young hot dogger!
gellaho
Meanwhile
gellaho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
They must have all kinds of jurisdiction friction with the Dog Police
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Fuck yeah, launch me into forever eternal star suicide like Juggernaut, I'm ready
FancyShark
Early demon furry
NostraThomas TommyG
I'm sorry, crappy writer but no one is going to sponsor your book
Star King Flippant Sausage
This but with cat ears.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh no not Sarah!
Anyway,
NostraThomas TommyG
Who was Sarah again?
gellaho
Just in time, what are the odds
NostraThomas TommyG
So…Sarah gave him a handy?
GDC
That's not how heat works
Agent of Fortune
It is in hell
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Demons should not need to take a breather
NostraThomas TommyG
Now, now…
Agent of Fortune
Hard Rock is my favorite
NostraThomas TommyG
My point exactly
gellaho
They throw fire and lightning at the demon until it dies, anyway
Star King Flippant Sausage
Bobby is going to take Sarah not letting him die as a sign she's into him despite being gay.
FancyShark
Caitlin's expression is all of ours at this point
gellaho
Hell's foyer
FancyShark
Demon is a type of creature
It's a very versatile category!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh you can connect Hell to god but dont remember the Last Judgment? You stupid old fuck.
Agent of Fortune
I think the interior art is done by John Cassaday, who did the art for the Whedon Astonishing X men run
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also fuck off old man, nobody cares right now. You dont need to mansplain demonry to the girl.
FancyShark
This Diablo II campaign sucks
Star King Flippant Sausage
Drop rates are shiiiiiiiiiiiit
gellaho
Surprise
Star King Flippant Sausage
Caitlin will never get that Soulflayers Axe of Soul Flaying +5 at this rate.
Agent of Fortune
I'll ask Hellaho for confirmation when he's done with this disaster
gellaho
Kicking it old-school Hong Kong action style
Agent of Fortune
Ugly mothers
Brendan
They have hot breath!
Brendan
And apparently flame breath
FancyShark
Oh NOW she can crush them into walls
Brendan
but are vulnerable to flame.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I'm glad I was informed it was a huge relief or I might have had to infer that myself
Star King Flippant Sausage
God Roxy, you kissed GRUNGE?!
NostraThomas TommyG
It's the final level!
gellaho
Hell sucks, man
Star King Flippant Sausage
Thats how you get a disease.
Agent of Fortune
And I thought big group fights were a mess in comic books, good to have it confirmed that they're even worse in prose
Brendan
That...honestly tracks.
NostraThomas TommyG
"Make sure to clean your horn every day!"
FancyShark
"This blows. Also, the hole in the gate is still there."
gellaho
Right in the balls
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I feel like if you go walking into hell without a hazmat suit you're looking at a really bad UTI at minimum, so yeah, clean that horn, Grunge
NostraThomas TommyG
And no little Dutch Boy in sight
FancyShark
That much Tylenol would make your liver resign, Bobby. So I hope so.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah the armies of hell are already roaming the Earth so........fuck this horn? Also WHY DID YOU BRING IT ALONG?!
NostraThomas TommyG
I couldn't drop it from inventory
Brendan
that demon will never have children now
gellaho
These demons are very stupid
gellaho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Essential quest item
Agent of Fortune
Ugly mothers
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Wh— what?
That worked??
Brendan
This book should hgave been in tipline.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He doesn't even look like a demon!!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah fuck you, book.
FancyShark
The soldiers families just get some charred gristle and a smudged "We're Sorry" card
Brendan
Starting to strongly suspect.
Agent of Fortune
Not enough tits
NostraThomas TommyG
Those VA bennies are gonna be HELL to obtain
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He did go through an arc between his last skid mark and Steven Universe, so maybe this was written near the middle third of that
gellaho
Got this idea from a Toto song
gellaho
FancyShark
Okay, that's actually metal
NostraThomas TommyG
"Sarah Rainmaker!"
Roast in the hell you created
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah suck it old man, you dont have enough faith in God for this."
gellaho
"You're hurting me, that's meeeeeeeaaaan"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
He shot it THIRTY SEVEN TIMES
FancyShark
Warning shots
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hes got one of those big ass Image guns.
GDC
Was that a clerks reference?
gellaho
You are literally in hell
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its the size of a small car.
NostraThomas TommyG
It was in a row
Brendan
But they're all shitty people and it's oddly fixated on their religious beliefs.
FancyShark
Not enough swearing
Brendan
In a row?
Agent of Fortune
Is this where we get a lecture about Mormonism?
NostraThomas TommyG
That's a tautology
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I feel like it's a little bad mannered to be taking up the power of Christian God when you wouldn't have had this moment without the Native American's rain magic to give you the hookup
FancyShark
No, remember, it's cool because she's also Catholic
Brendan
Fire kills demons that breathe fire, but holy water doesn't. This is wild. WILD.
FancyShark
Which means she's going right back to hell when she dies for the whole "magic" thing
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Fucking God and his heel turns!
Agent of Fortune
Why are all these books so Christian?
NostraThomas TommyG
Vinny Mac is secretly booking
gellaho
This book really wants me to believe this Cardinal's heel turn, but it doesn't really make any sense
Star King Flippant Sausage
Nah this is Image God, so she gets a pass for being kick ass.
Brendan
It was only seconds earlier but it was literally a cold day in hell before a Catholic priest was right about anything.
NostraThomas TommyG
What's the dominant religion in the USA?
FancyShark
Football
gellaho
Stop
NostraThomas TommyG
Besides on Sunday
NostraThomas TommyG
I'm sorry
Brendan
FREEDOM
Also white supremacy.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Image comics in the 90s were the kind of comic that implied you went to heaven if you were enough of a murderer and God still had some first round draft picks.
gellaho
I mean, other than the demons. And the horn. And Vegas.
gellaho
Stop
FancyShark
DeMedici sounds the horn at the one time it should not be used to keep it from being used
NostraThomas TommyG
Always blowing his horn…
Star King Flippant Sausage
Like I think at some point Spawn had a part where it implied Stalin and Ghengis Khan were in Heaven.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
In fairness to the book, the priest is the only character in this book I halfway like. If this were just about him and we cut out the teen team I think we'd have a real stew going
LyraVarloid
It's still going on about the fucking horn this book is amazing.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
God dammit, Todd.
FancyShark
It was part of the comic where he explained his mythology. Attila the Hun is there too
LyraVarloid
WHO CARES ABOUT THE HORN SERIOUSLY?
gellaho
The book really wants him to be the bad guy all of a sudden, except that there's literally no reason other than him being a dick
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
That horn has been superfluous since literally the moment it was introduced
LyraVarloid
I shoudnt have raised my letters there but this horn is getting to me
Agent of Fortune
Sorry, I didn't mean to start us on that tangent, it was just really weird to me that books like this and doom would have such heavy religious undertones
GDC
They didn't really make the shocking but inevitable betrayal either of those things.
FancyShark
Who could have ever forseen an immortal who oversaw two Inquisitions would be untrustworthy?!
NostraThomas TommyG
Understandable
Agent of Fortune
Nobody expects the — sigh
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I mean, third time's the charm, right?
gellaho
Almost done, better get some characterization in
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
We are just now getting any kind of insight into the character of Freefall
Agent of Fortune
I don't hate that section
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Just astounding
Star King Flippant Sausage
To be fair, if you want to kill a hojillion things then you could do worse than Stalin, Attila and Temujin.
FancyShark
There is no "banging head on desk" emoji or I swear I'd be using the hell out of that sumbitch
GDC
Her whole personality up to this point was 'cigarettes'
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
It's like they went in with the express intent of writing every part of this book wrong
NostraThomas TommyG
Make it in the Forge
gellaho
Oh, now she figures out the forces of the universe
Brendan
We didn't even see her partying at the party.
Agent of Fortune
Wait, this is the ending of pacific rim
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Thanks for reminding us that Roxy could control gravity
NostraThomas TommyG
So was Roxy….
Tripping the Rift?
gellaho
it was there, but it was boring
FancyShark
That's why she's called Freefall!
gellaho
she got Caitlin to dance!
zzzzz
Brendan
What's the gravity situation in Hell?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I don't know if we sort Book Cage prisoners by quality but this has gotta be easily down at the lowest end of the power rankings.
Brendan
Seems like it would either be zero or 100
Agent of Fortune
Basically, the moon
NostraThomas TommyG
So no falling damage ala Peter Jackson Hobbit
Agent of Fortune
Yeah, this book fucking sucks. Good find.
NostraThomas TommyG
Where's the MTV logo?
Star King Flippant Sausage
It sucks exactly as hard as a Gen13 novel should suck.
Man I want to go back in time and give my 4th grade friend this novel for his birthday. He would be so happy and then so upset.
gellaho
The priest does something, but I'm not sure what
NostraThomas TommyG
So are we, Lynch
gellaho
Because Roxy was still holding the rift open
FancyShark
Green magic energy. They're just taunting us with Spawn at this point
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Farting on himself so the demons don't want to touch him
You can't prove he's not!
NostraThomas TommyG
Now now, it could also be G'Nort
gellaho
Anyway, Ivana shows up, ready to fuck
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ALL BOOK
Brendan
I would forgive EVERYTHING.
gellaho
Almost there
NostraThomas TommyG
We need to buy these guys a RAZOR 🪒
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Oh, Grunge Cobain. I can never stay mad at you.
GDC
I want to hear more about Ivana's battle corset
Star King Flippant Sausage
Maximum Grizzle, Super Soldier.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
She showed up to Hell in a little black dress and a motorcycle helmet, what the fuck
NostraThomas TommyG
Gotta protect the skull
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
That's an early game Fallout armor, not a hell costume
FancyShark
About the same amount of clothing as any lady character was afforded in the 90s
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah I mean she IS a cyborg. She doesnt need armor.
gellaho
THE MOJO
NostraThomas TommyG
Or even earlier wrestling CAW games
Star King Flippant Sausage
Honestly, Lynch sounds like a fucking wuss.
"Oh I dont like the idea that im capable of awesome destruction, woe is meeeeeee."
Pffft. Wuss.
NostraThomas TommyG
So…perfect image hero
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
If his power is the warp spasm and we're already fucking with mythology why isn't he just Chu Chullain
NostraThomas TommyG
They are all psychotic and badly drawn
Star King Flippant Sausage
2000 AD would have sued.
FancyShark
Image: Our heroes can do, like, anything and they're super awesome, but they don't wanna
Star King Flippant Sausage
Because that's just Slaine.
gellaho
The MOJO is, uh, not sure
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also their feelings are hurt.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Hahaha his power is literally pebble dance!!!
NostraThomas TommyG
They're upset someone stole their razors
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
All that for one fucking rock! Go fuck yourself, Lunch
NostraThomas TommyG
Keep the typo
FancyShark
I'd scream too if I had to pass a stone
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Drink your water, kids!
NostraThomas TommyG
And clean your horn
Star King Flippant Sausage
"OH NO I AM CURSED WITH SWEET LASER VISION AND A FUCKABLE ROBOT ASSISTANT!"
GDC
I'm going to assume we've already made the necessary Austin powers jokes.
NostraThomas TommyG
Fire away
gellaho
Ivana takes a second to kill Clark
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Lois is going to fuck you up, Ivana.
FancyShark
She seems surprised her "murder anyone she doesn't like" didn't inspire loyalty
NostraThomas TommyG
Be nice. Look who Ivana's daughter is
Star King Flippant Sausage
I'm kind of surprised Clark didnt see this coming too.
Like YOU WATCHED HER DO IT!
I know its hard to remember the rest of the book, Clark, but you have to try harder than this.
NostraThomas TommyG
Amnesia is an epidemic in these stories
gellaho
Grunge turns into the horn
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I'd want to forget I was in this book too
FancyShark
"Blow me"
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
THAT WORKS?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Clark is clearly a card carrying member of the Face Eating Panther Party.
NostraThomas TommyG
A warm…sticky sensation washing over him?
gellaho
For some reason that levitates them out of the collapsing casino
Star King Flippant Sausage
No fuck you, book. You cannot be giving Grunge a spiritual awakening.
gellaho
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Grunge left Gen13 to found the Power Team
NostraThomas TommyG
Freaking shave already!
FancyShark
oop, story over. Everyone out.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fuck your goddam soul patch.
Worse face hair choice of the 90s.
NostraThomas TommyG
Soul patch idiot
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Flavor saver
Star King Flippant Sausage
Grow a beard or at least commit to mutton chops.
NostraThomas TommyG
It takes less than 15 minutes to shave!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Wolverine committed to mutton chops and you dont see him complaining!
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
I used to call them chin pussies because it looked like the "landing strip" some women leave when they shave everything else.
NostraThomas TommyG
Just deliver a full whiny monologue about how much your life sucks as you shave
gellaho
They drop the Cardinal off at the airport and time for the strip club!
FancyShark
It's one of the least comfortable parts of the face to have hair! You are choosing this!
gellaho
The End
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Good fucking god.
FancyShark
hahahaha
NostraThomas TommyG
And now the orgy begins
THAT would have been interesting
LyraVarloid
Wow that was fucking amazing
Star King Flippant Sausage
Grunge, are you even old enough to get INTO a titty bar?
NostraThomas TommyG
@gellaho dang, bro. This was a hurtful one
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I don't think I'll ever feel insecure about my writing again.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also..........Grunge.......you're in Nevada. You can go to a brothel.
GDC
That was a rough one. Good work, hotdoggers.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Excellent work, cage team!
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Thank you @gellaho !
FancyShark
Thanks, @gellaho !
LyraVarloid
Baffling a work of art thank you @gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Wow
Thanks @gellaho
NostraThomas TommyG
Now a palate cleanser in #doomed
Captain Marvel part 3!
Star King Flippant Sausage
I'm glad to be given this proof I was right to think Gen13 was a stupid comic for booger eaters.
gellaho
We have defeated Gen¹³: Netherwar
Star King Flippant Sausage
gimme a second, I really have to use the bathroom!
FancyShark
We did it!
GDC
I can't remember a book more worthy of book jail.
Agent of Fortune
Before you toss this book into the cage who did the interior art @gellaho ?
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Human anatomy is my passion
Brendan
A force that would quell Hell itself. I call my power...my CURSE..the Mojo.
FancyShark
The GEL13 is amazing
gellaho
Agent of Fortune
Nice
NostraThomas TommyG
Seriously, thank you @gellaho
FancyShark
Agent called it! Nice!
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Fucking lock this book up and throw away the key, Warden
gellaho
So concludes the 87th Edition of The Book Cage
NostraThomas TommyG
Book Cage is always a highlight of the week
gellaho
May your holy artifacts never be soiled by Grunge
NostraThomas TommyG
And shave!
FancyShark
Have a great night, hotdoggers! See you tomorrow!
Brendan
Holy mackerel that was a ride.
But that idiot priest delivered us all.
Agent of Fortune
So does grunge only listen to Creed now?
GDC
I need a shower after reading about Grunge.
Brendan
seven straight pages of medieval litigation.
Grunge became the lips of God and immediately approved of sex work. The matter is settled.
Or the trachea, I dunno.
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
Speaking of superheroes with attitude, highly recommend y'all check out James Robinson's Starman series if you haven't already. Extremely good comic
gellaho
I was more irritated by the 100 pages of fighting in the back of a casino
It was endless and repetitive. You have no idea
King Tingo Badgerhands 👑
I genuinely cannot imagine what firsthand exposure to prose this bad must be like if the snapshots we got were already that painful.
This was sold! In stores! For money!
The mind boggles.
gellaho
At least the characters changed and the bad lady didn't get away
Oh wait
That was all entirely pointless
Brendan
I am completely sincere when I say the thought of a 500-year-old Hans Moleman mumbling incessantly about shit even historians speed-run to a group of half-clothed college freshmen who are assholes by design is the good comedy I come here for.
You can't get that good kind of weirdness from the Hardys. Truly bonkers.
gellaho
Then they tried to turn the priest into a bad guy, but just dropped him off at the airport so why even bother writing that. Other than the pointless stakes raising at the end
