87: Gen¹³: Netherwar Christopher Golden and Jeff Mariotte

GDC

They got to the sad part of the casino.

FancyShark

Yeah. The inside! DOOOHOHOHOHOHO

LyraVarloid

I locked my gaze redly on the icee dispenser at 3am at the ez mart

Agent of Fortune

Legit looks like Fray

gellaho

Except, you know, you have super powers

BlindMonkey

Cruise ship casinos are some kind of hell portal

Agent of Fortune

Why do these book Cage presentations always make me need to lie down in a cool dark place

Star King Flippant Sausage

God I wish zombies would eat these dipshits, but no such luck.

FancyShark

That means they're working

gellaho

KILL THE POSSESSED INNOCENTS

FancyShark

There's the Image touch!

Agent of Fortune

Wait did they just kill a bunch of innocent people

Brendan

This turned into a Scooby Doo Episode so slowly I almost didn't notice.

gellaho

"Oh, yes, crush me"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Casino customers aren't "people"

LyraVarloid

blood sprayed grunge is a good song title tho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It's not cruelty if we don't care what happens to them

GDC

They aren't even possessed, they're just old and confused.

FancyShark

DEVILS!

gellaho

You know, gravity bubbles

BlindMonkey

War is hell. And by war, I mean loitering near superheroes.

Brendan

What was the plan if they were wrong about burning them alive

Star King Flippant Sausage

Roxy could deal with this in an instant but shes rolled a six and failed her Stupidity check.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Staying completely off the radar

GDC

The sound of hundreds of hips shattering filled the casino.

Brendan

Feels like this could all have been avoided by taking the stairs.

Brendan

I mean "Burn them" shouldn't precede "Hey, they ARE possessed!"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also if zombies seem unfazed by fire, you just keep burning them. Turn them to ash, you fuckin wuss.

FancyShark

Stairs are locked. And you have to go to the desk for the key. That's too tedious.

gellaho

"I wanted the girls to touch, OK? Fuck, fine, here's some bullshit about leverage"

Brendan

19-year-olds beating up the elderly is my thing and I'm done apologizing for it.

BlindMonkey

Nah, we gotta go Dynasty Warriors on four nursing homes' worth of casino visitors.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Something's unsettling about this, all right

Star King Flippant Sausage

You're not cooking lunch, you can just turn them to piles of crunchy dust and bone flakes.

Agent of Fortune

"Caitlin lifted her up by her firm young buttocks"

FancyShark

The Senior Center shuttle outside is wondering why everyone's taking so long

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Do not pursue Lu Bu. He's on his way to cash out his winnings and nothing and no one will stop him.

Star King Flippant Sausage

JUST REVERSE GRAVITY YOU MOO!

Brendan

Feels like a fire violation. But as long as nobody who can produce unlimited quantities of fire comes in here we should get away with it.

gellaho

"Why can't Ivana be real so she can call me a disgusting little piggy"

LyraVarloid

then repeat it for 17 more games changing not a thing

GDC

I don't think that's what irony is.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Whats ironic about it, Ivana?

Brendan

Ivana is a man-eater for freedom.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Men in uniform love to be told what to do.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It's like rain on your wedding day, I think

Brendan

She's going to have her own Fox show if she survives this.

Agent of Fortune

This would be way funnier if her name was Ivanka

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Gina Carano IS: Ivana Whatserface

Brendan

Joe Biden IS: Rainmaker

LyraVarloid

I really don't understand what's deliciously ironic about that but hey I'm not great at understanding people.

gellaho

"I wish Ivana would tell me my work was good. Nobody else does"

Brendan

Guys in uniform are the MOST submissive.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Image never did get the license for Thesaurus Man.

Brendan

They have the entire hierarchy above them.

@Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood. will back me up on this.

BlindMonkey

There was a specific moment in studio superhero thirst and dubstep ascendance where we could have had "Bangarang" playing over the great geriatric purge.

Agent of Fortune

Grimoire is my favorite Malibu character

Brendan

'00s would have been the best time for a '90s Gen X movie.

FancyShark

"Yes, we just took Badrock and gave him horns. But you can't tell! And he's still an Image property!"

gellaho

"Oh, my God, she's so strong and smart and hot"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I doomed my country and the entire world but hot lady patted me on the head, aw shucks

Brendan

Roxy pushing those fuckers to the floor while the mandatory "Ballroom Blitz" cicada emerges.

Agent of Fortune

SWAMP

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

I'm here to back Brendan up

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Yesss! Yesss, Caitlin, break my rubber seeeeal…!!!"

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Who I gotta cut

Agent of Fortune

Better: "Bodies"

Brendan

"Now you dudes have FALLEN and you can't GET UP!" chuckles Grunge, knowing he means erections.

LyraVarloid

I wasn't challenging him I promise

Brendan

Okay, but only the Richard Cheese version.

LyraVarloid

I was confused about submissive irony

or something like that

FancyShark

"Where's my grandson?" one of the shapes mutters

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It's like good advice that you just can't take

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

dw babe I'll teach you all about it or something

Agent of Fortune

Oh man this book totally needs a circa 2002 Roadrunner Records "soundtrack"

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

LyraVarloid

submissive irony is like aggressive coppery right?

Agent of Fortune

IF YOU'RE 555 THEN I'M 666

gellaho

Ivana sends the three stooges to capture a demon

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh I thought aggressive coppery was what they called hitting someone with a copper pot was.

gellaho

Ah

FancyShark

Generic Man

Brendan

Darth Maul: Mediator

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Zounds. A daemon.

Brendan

I just want to know how the negotiations with the monster coalition went.

GDC

That was the most invested I've been in this book

Brendan

Like did they arrive and get to it or was there some awkward "Welcome, can I get you vampires a drink?"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Maybe sending the guy with a stutter to summon demons is a bad idea. Like good for him for trying things outside his wheelhouse, and stanning his queen and all but you need precise enunciation for this.

Agent of Fortune

New soundtrack for this book https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7z22qh9MEE9bZUEXT3zT1O?si=nWN6gguoRkiJV0ap5cS04g

FancyShark

LyraVarloid

I feel like any minute now things will burst back into historical time negotiations.

Brendan

Boy, the whole school's really buzzing about Ivana and Melvin going all the way.

Star King Flippant Sausage

And his henchmen are joking about it like fucking teenagers.

FancyShark

I hear they tried to summon demons to save America. And Melvin says they totally made out.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

A demon lord tears out of the sarcophagus screaming about how the time has come to renegotiate the clause concerning telegraph poles Hell owes to its creditors

Agent of Fortune

Yeah, why are the bad guys trying to open the gate to hell?

Brendan

What I heard was she let him open her small hole in the gates of hell.

FancyShark

For AMERICA

Agent of Fortune

Like, did anybody stop to ask that just because they can, should they?

gellaho

Dr Seuss ghostwrote this section

FancyShark

No, seriously. They're trying to summon Hell for America

Star King Flippant Sausage

Look, you can ask Ivana a question but someone is getting penetrated.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I mean I guess he would know, the way he treated his wife and all

GDC

There's a horn that will close the gates to hell but they're already closed.but it doesn't matter because there's a hole in the door.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Not a very good human being, that Theodore

FancyShark

I'm deliberately not going to look up what that means

gellaho

Bivouacked, sure

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

To be fair, it is a word used correctly in this context.

FancyShark

Two floors of a hotel and no one knows they're there

Brendan

They can't even fight Grunge.

Star King Flippant Sausage

WHY WOULD YOU NOT TAKE IT LITERALLY?!

Agent of Fortune

Look, there's a lot of bureaucracy that would go into putting the soldiers there, that's the least believable part of this book

LyraVarloid

all those simulated demon battles didn't prepare us for this!

Brendan

Grunge is 17 and permanently baked.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Like your normal job involves comic book shit, why would "Okay heres how you fight a demon...." be the bridge too far?!

Agent of Fortune

He's never been the same since he absorbed that weed plant

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

God I wish that were me

Brendan

This is like sending stormtroopers against the sith

FancyShark

You're keeping your army in the hotel where guests keep getting eaten. How many soldiers do you still have?

LyraVarloid

I sure haven't been, it was love at first observation

Brendan

600. 597 if we're not counting the possessed ones who will turn their rifles on their friends.

gellaho

Bivouacked indeed

Agent of Fortune

Hey it's Doom

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahaha they got Cabin in the Woodsed

Brendan

DUHHHH BOSS I DON'T LIKE-A DIS SLOTTAHAUZ

GDC

No shit, Bozzi.

Brendan

Bozzi instinctively knew this was the wrong kind of slaughter of a barracks.

gellaho

Do you like colors?

FancyShark

Bozzi noticed the ice machine isn't working

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh who would have thought all this demon summoning would go wrong?

Brendan

Perhaps it had something to do with that parliament of demons he had seen

Star King Flippant Sausage

Manning......what do you think demons ARE?

Time on earth?

Brendan

Slacker Demons

FancyShark

Oohhhhhh, okay. This is an allegory about the dangers of scurvy

Agent of Fortune

Are these the three useless idiots from the airport?

Brendan

Grunge, turn into orange juice, part of a balanced breakfast alongside PB Cap'n Crunch!

Maybe the cereal that scores everyone's mouth and tastes like candied cat shit was the real demon all along.

gellaho

What a break

gellaho

Brendan

FACT-CHECK do demons breathe

FancyShark

Only if it's to be gross

Brendan

I was explicitly told these demons spoke Latin.

You're telling me Manning works with an Italian like Bozzi and doesn't speak his devil-tongue??

Star King Flippant Sausage

Little late to be thinking about how bad this idea was, MANNING!

Agent of Fortune

This is creating a war in my nethers

NostraThomas TommyG

Every breath they take, every move they make, they'll be rainbow brite

Agent of Fortune

Specifically my butt

Brendan

Or earth tone!

But not pastel.

LyraVarloid

Are they good kissers is what you're asking.

Agent of Fortune

NEVER pastel

NostraThomas TommyG

That's the truly diabolic color

gellaho

That's all it takes, kids

gellaho

Try it at home

Agent of Fortune

I have

Brendan

THIS IS A SUPERHERO SCI-FI COMIC

Star King Flippant Sausage

Demons love St. Peter.

Can't get enough of the guy.

Agent of Fortune

That's how I wound up here

Brendan

Legitimately every page could be a fight scene and nobody would have to spend a week drawing it.

NostraThomas TommyG

SB5 was a pretty weak Star Trek spin off

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

We could be reading Hellboy right now.

Brendan

I'm getting tall "Who wants this week's assignment" metrics from this plot.

Star King Flippant Sausage

What kind of bullshit summoning chamber has electric lights?!

Agent of Fortune

One of these co-writers wrote some Hellboy novels

gellaho

I feel like the candles are a pointless middleman here

FancyShark

You're not filled with adrenaline at [checks notes] a library?

Brendan

"Got a licensed comic here, uhh, Gen to the 13th?"

NostraThomas TommyG

The FABULOUS kind

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

w h a t

Brendan

Demons can't stand flames.

It is known.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Famously intolerant of the smell of brimstone as well

Star King Flippant Sausage

Roxy...........you fucking............

Agent of Fortune

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Golden

Star King Flippant Sausage

Roxy you are such a stupid cow.

Brendan

Girl, how did you fling those candles without extinguishing them.

gellaho

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

FancyShark

Candles. The bullets of nerds

Star King Flippant Sausage

You could have thrown lit candles at demons BY HAND.

NostraThomas TommyG

IT's GENIUS!!

Bobby shoots fire instead of ice!

It's a twist!!

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

This team maneuver worked exactly as well as the pebble dance in the AtLA movie.

Agent of Fortune

This seems familiar

LyraVarloid

Jesus Caitlin take it down a notch

FancyShark

"We have Fastball Special at home"

Agent of Fortune

Speedy ball special?

gellaho

"Maybe he'll step on me"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Weirdly Supernatural Flesh is my new grunge band name, do not steal

NostraThomas TommyG

Yo Kat!

Can you tell me what it's like to have a Roni?

LyraVarloid

There are more polite ways to approach that than insulting someone in the middle of your demon battle.

Brendan

I knew I knew that name

https://screenrant.com/punisher-as-an-angel-mistake/

gellaho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahaha does this guy only have bad ideas?

I did read that as Betty White for a hot second

NostraThomas TommyG

Hey, Punisher got spanked by Eminem. There was no way to go but up

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fuckin.........BARRY WHITE!?

Agent of Fortune

So he has a thing for bringing supernatural elements into series that should never have anything to do with the supernatural

FancyShark

Something tells me he got rejected from writing Ghost Rider and it broke him

gellaho

Brrrrrr, not cool

Star King Flippant Sausage

That was image's thing at the time so I imagine he found a natural home there.

NostraThomas TommyG

Barry White?

Horn?

This is no longer PGen13

LyraVarloid

Can't get enough of your Horn Baby.

I keep hearing him singing it now

Brendan

You could have created a jet wind tunnel and flung flame down it. You could have crushed the demons against the wall. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

GDC

The weather witch has abandoned lighting in favor of unpleasant slush

NostraThomas TommyG

Don't start pulling on that thread, honey

Brendan

This guy only has one idea and it's "What if this superhero fought hell?"

FancyShark

You control gravity! Every one of these demons should be jelly on the walls!

gellaho

"Ugh, she's so stroooooong"

gellaho

NostraThomas TommyG

Oh, honey…

Agent of Fortune

Why is the token ethnic person on these teams the one that controls the weather?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Don't worry about it

Star King Flippant Sausage

I assume at some point he had a second idea and it was "What if a superhero WAS Hell?!"

FancyShark

Because whites think outdoors are icky

NostraThomas TommyG

They don't have a good union

Brendan

Because raindance.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Am a white, can confirm

gellaho

Alright, bye

FancyShark

And then Todd MacFarlane would clear his throat

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahahaha they just fucking leave????

NostraThomas TommyG

And watch Rob Liefeld bang his wife

NostraThomas TommyG

The book is almost over

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Shut the fuck up Todd, that's not what I mean. Also you can't count, so you dont even get to say anything in these meetings."

FancyShark

"Armageddon's canceled. Everyone out."

Agent of Fortune

Don't get our hopes up like that

Brendan

Well, that was a fun battle with nameless cannon fodder that had no discernible goal or stakes.

NostraThomas TommyG

I'm an eternal optimist

Agent of Fortune

The best kind!

FancyShark

Adventure!

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

At least we had one

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

In every other thing I've read, demons would be fighting each other to be top dog, never mind slinking off.

FancyShark

The senior center driver is wondering if he should go check if something's wrong

NostraThomas TommyG

But Modred…Superheroes and stuff…

gellaho

"Hey there"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Gen13 subverts expectations, that's what geniuses do right?

Brendan

Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Superheroes are supposed to be the best of us. But did you ever think, what if, a demon was real? How would it test our heroes? Imagine with me if you dare.

Agent of Fortune

In everything I've read with demons there would be tentacle never mind

Star King Flippant Sausage

The gritty Beatles reboot nobody asked for or deserved.

Brendan

Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Demons offer us what we most want at a cost of our worst flaw. But what if a hero has no flaws? I hope you enjoy Tommy's Big Adventure. Soundtrack by Korn.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Man, and I thought nothing happened in <NAME OF RECENT MARVEL STUDIOS RELEASE>

Agent of Fortune

I'M JUST A FREAK ON A LEASH

FancyShark

Brendan

Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Angels are so fucking hot, right? But what if an angel were a dick? Please enjoy FORBIDDEN PASSION UNBOUND: Angela vs. Fairchild, part 1 in the Image Stripped seven-part Literotica series.

Star King Flippant Sausage

I had a friend in like 4th or 5th grade who was absolutely obsessed with Image comics and swore up and down they were the best comics. At the time I thought he was just exaggerating but now I think he might have been an idiot.

NostraThomas TommyG

You know, the Angeline v Glory swimsuit issue had better writing

gellaho

The Keepers start fighting the demons. Time to steal some ideas

Agent of Fortune

If it's Literotica one would be a literal dick

FancyShark

Hi, I'm Todd McFarlane. Neil Gaiman is a big mean jerk who won't share. Also, boobs.

NostraThomas TommyG

"And he handed me my ass in court!"

Brendan

Why didn't they shoot these at Grunge

gellaho

Just lessen the stakes a little bit

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"We have changed the face of man portable directed energy weaponry forever, tell no one and only use it on teen supers and demons"

FancyShark

I feel seen

NostraThomas TommyG

"And then sold the character Angela to Marvel?!"

Brendan

hold up hold up

why didn't they use these when the demons were slaughtering them?

why do the demons suddenly care about physical damage

NostraThomas TommyG

Oh sweetie…