87: Gen¹³: Netherwar Christopher Golden and Jeff Mariotte

Star King Flippant Sausage

His all-American, Motor City, Built in the US of A steel hard skin.

gellaho

ELECTRO-KNIFE

Brendan

So why isn't Grunge just constantly absorbing his teammates to be their Super Skrull?

FancyShark

Lunge at Grunge

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Hai yah!"

"Hello to you too."

Agent of Fortune

Nrrrgh

FancyShark

Restraining orders

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also Grunge knows martial arts.

Brendan

Except caitlin who has softer skin than steel.

GDC

Electroknife guy is bad at knives.

Star King Flippant Sausage

He's Asian, you see.

Brendan

Fairer, too.

Soft, white, supple teen flesh...AHEM!

gellaho

That's not, what?

Brendan

Sorry, gotta save that for my Gen 13 novel: Skydiplomacy

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahaha Grunge is fucking Beyblading

Star King Flippant Sausage

Except you'd never figure out he was Asian by reading the comic if you missed out on his backstory.

GDC

Grunge did the Kirk hammer punch.

FancyShark

Cheapass helmets

Star King Flippant Sausage

All their money goes to cybertit upkeep.

gellaho

"Ugh, crush and be disgusted by me, Caitlin!"

LyraVarloid

this towns finished!

FancyShark

"Body language" is a new term for "boner"

gellaho

"Call me a pig, Caitlin!"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahah Caitlin is used to a better grade of dead eyed power armored killer.

Ozzie

"began to sob with tears" so just sobbing like regular then

FancyShark

"I'm cured! I used to sob spiders!"

gellaho

There are easier ways to kill someone

FancyShark

It's good these kids are having fun murdering these men

Brendan

So Grunge can now become the actual functional form of things, not just material, and he hasn't tried to turn his dick into spanish fly? I call bullshit. I know how '90s brah culture thought.

gellaho

Maybe you only need Bobby and Sarah

gellaho

What with control over the elements

LyraVarloid

they were joking about him turning into cereal earlier so they could devour him, all things are on the table

Star King Flippant Sausage

Grunge has definitely tried to make his dick vibrate like a Sybian.

gellaho

And Roxy is too dumb to use her power over one of the fundamental forces of the universe

Brendan

Air/lightning, metal, fire, gravity, and...strong.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also why is their armor not insulated?

GDC

They're all hungry after smelling the keepers cook inside their armor

Brendan

One of these teammates is not an elemental

FancyShark

So strong

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

And not even green or orange to make up for it.

Brendan

and HUGE!

Star King Flippant Sausage

And hot, dont forget hot.

FancyShark

So so hot

Brendan

some say she gets bigger the more a man desires to be crushed beneath her giantess heel.

gellaho

The 3 idiots from the airport were also thete

Brendan

An Erotic Hulk, if you will.

LyraVarloid

clearly we will

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Manning, Bozzi, and Sir Not Appearing In This Book

gellaho

WE ARE INVISIBLE

LyraVarloid

I keep forgetting about the horn

FancyShark

Just like the authors

Star King Flippant Sausage

Once again, the evil organization doesnt stop to think that if their regular dipshits in armor could beat the superpowered weirdos, they wouldnt need superpowered weirdos.

gellaho

Luckily, the Cardinal is a time wizard

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

Does anyone else miss the Frank and Joe ghost writers

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Wow, that's genuinely a cool power.

FancyShark

Hold on

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Didn't think they had it in them.

FancyShark

He can do that but can't fix a hole in the gates of Hell?

GDC

So I guess between them they essentially control reality. Except Caitlin.

gellaho

Adorable

FancyShark

She's the center of reality

gellaho

She's so relatable

And hot

Ozzie

Love that it specifies that he didn't leave the van to astral project.

A+ wizard shit

FancyShark

So hot

Star King Flippant Sausage

He can but he just wants to spend time with some young people. Makes him feel like he has company.

Brendan

the cardinal can rewind time, so what if the horn gets stolen

gellaho

Holy fuck, no way!

gellaho

Unbelievable

Brendan

Who's immune to it!

FancyShark

HIDE ME!

Brendan

Guys, I know we started out joking, but hear me out--what if Caitlin really does step on us? Assuming she's 18, and everything. God, that would be so, so funny. And maybe a little hot. But wouldn't that be crazy, if she actually did the thing we're all joking about and it turned out to be an erotic journey? I'm laughing RRRN just thinking about it.

gellaho

Anyway, Martin gets eaten by demons

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

Go feed your cat Brendan

GDC

And take a cold shower.

Brendan

This author spent more time describing what demons look like than what the three female leads project as people.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Well sucks to be Martin but he should have known better than to be a normal dude in an Image comic.

gellaho

MEANWHILE: TELEPORTATION EXISTS

Brendan

I am actually going to take an unrelated cold shower.

gellaho

But don't expect it in this book

Brendan

The cat remains at the doorway giving me a guilt-inducing stare

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Of course" they have teleportation. Of course.

Brendan

Guys, the DEMONS are in VEGAS because it's the city of SIN

It's called THEMEBUILDING and a lot of authors are doing it.

Star King Flippant Sausage

If you can rebuild a woman and give her lethal cybertits you can build a teleporter.

gellaho

Trying to come up with a fake casino and that's what you decide on?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"I know authors who use subtlety and they're all cowards."

gellaho

That's a shitty haunted house

GDC

We've all played Half Life.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Screamland is where Eustace here wishes Caitlin would take him

Star King Flippant Sausage

Man I can think of a few things I would hate more than a horror themed casino but none of them off the top of my head.

FancyShark

The only thing more fun than a haunted house is one that smells like cigarettes and debt

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Horror has always been more of a carnival gig anyway.

gellaho

No second pass at this backstory

FancyShark

It looks like you're trying to create a Russian Villain backstory. Would you like help with that?

gellaho

Pretty sure it just opens the door, lady

Star King Flippant Sausage

Stick to stupid teens, writer. The differences between the by then long dead Soviet Union, Cuba, China, and North Korea are far beyond your talents.

gellaho

It's like saying you can control me if you had my garage door opener

Star King Flippant Sausage

Ivana. This is a stupid plan.

gellaho

Riveting

Star King Flippant Sausage

Even for a comic book. Even for a villain in an IMAGE comic book.

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

Lol this book took time to talk about norco California

Ozzie

Well hang on, this is important Fallout lore

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

As someone from norco, fuck this book

GDC

She wants to open a portal to hell, but for America, damnit!

FancyShark

Spawn had a villain whose whole plan was "kill mobsters and hope the cops think it's someone else so he'll be inconvenienced". And that was the most popular villain they had!

gellaho

Fuck you, that is not a chapter break

gellaho

Goddammit

FancyShark

"Here we go. With the hearing. The hearing of it. Right now. Yessir."

Brendan

Tyrants might get nukes, so America needs a hellgate is so stupid it's unflatteringly plausible in the right these days.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

CARDINALLL

(This is the chapter break)

CARDINALLL

(When will we be free from this paiiiiin)

Brendan

Loved you in Game of Thrones, every British actor.

gellaho

"I wish they had invented paper 500 years ago so I could have written my birthday down"

Star King Flippant Sausage

You know, if you hate communism so much you are willing to turn Earth into a satrap of Hell, you might be a bad person.

Brendan

You say that, but are you willing to leave this hedge trimmer exposed to elements and thieves, or will you do as I command?

Brendan

You're gonna hate the chapter where the kids stop for an Its-It and debate the best flavor (mint).

Star King Flippant Sausage

God what was it with these fucking comics and old men rattling on about how old they are?

gellaho

The Night Tribes

Star King Flippant Sausage

The night tribes are the right tribes.

gellaho

DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT HEDGE TRIMMER, I JUST GOT IT

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Seems problematic

Ozzie

This book could be worse, they could've put in Freefall's pet queelocke:

Brendan

It's heroic that anyone this old would talk to teenagers.

GDC

How are sea monsters evil? They're just plesiosaurs.

FancyShark

The Second Inquisition. What a show.

Brendan

"Say what you will about the Holocaust but it got all the werewolves out of the Black Forest."

Star King Flippant Sausage

Krakens keep eating the goddam fiber optic cable we need to keep the web running.

GDC

I didn't expect the second inquisition.

gellaho

BEHOLD THE DIPLOMATIC WORKS OF THE MEDIATOR

gellaho

Are you not entertained by his mediating?

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Brendan

"And you, Rainmaker. Would you criticize the trail of tears if the Wendigo still prowled North Dakota?"

"Mister, that's three different time z--"

"And YOU, Caitlin. What about the Irish Famine. No more faeries to bedevil YOUR perfect skin!"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The Pope could really have made this spell less, uh, shit for you, huh

NostraThomas TommyG

That's some serious mediating!!

My heart is in my throat…

Oh wait…

That's not my heart

🤮

FancyShark

You lost almost 330 people before you got a sit-down with the vampires? Dude, the Boston Massacre was five people and that shit was infamous

GDC

He's referencing a story that seems far more interesting than the one we're reading.

NostraThomas TommyG

Yeah but the Massacre was adjusted for inflation

Brendan

He stopped the monsters by suing for peace.

Star King Flippant Sausage

God this old man is so boring he's making Vampire the Masquerade seem dull.

gellaho

And it goes on and on and on

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Reddit found the innocent schoolteacher who did it though so it evens out

NostraThomas TommyG

Yet better than Vampire: Requiem First Edition

Star King Flippant Sausage

Because this would be a hell of a WOD campaign.

Brendan

Have you noticed all the movie-budget portions of this book happen before this book starts?

I came here for sexy steel-skinned teens, what is happening.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hero: The Conversing

gellaho

THE MEDIATOR

Brendan

If Rex Moran were going to show up it would be right now.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Mediator: The Aging

Brendan

hhahahaha this fossil is still going

Classic Rex.

LyraVarloid

remember exhiliration? what that was like?

Star King Flippant Sausage

How the fuck is this at all relevant to their situation?

NostraThomas TommyG

God, this is worse than listening to a Toreador lecture on brush strokes

Star King Flippant Sausage

WHy do they need to read this authors Vampire campaign notes?

FancyShark

Spawn covered the entirety of Todd MacFarlane's dipshit mythology in one comic issue and these writers can't clear the Renaissance

Brendan

"And then in the 18th, century, children. I fell in love. His name was Tomas. He was an altar boy..."

NostraThomas TommyG

Let's not pull on that thread

gellaho

To be given eternal life by God and still not have faith is a level of bullshit I cannot imagine

Brendan

I'm flipping out to the X-treme for REAL, dudes. I can't stop laughing at God's decrepit troubleshooter.

NostraThomas TommyG

I told you that in confidence!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Well to be fair, having confirmation God is real and a little bit of an asshole would make it hard to have faith in the strictest sense.

gellaho

Moving forward

FancyShark

"So, why can't you fix the gate?"

"I'm very old."

Brendan

God died for your sins unless you touch His shit.

gellaho

No idea who that is

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its clearly Flash Gordon.

Brendan

Adrian Veidt

GDC

It looks like Donald Trump as drawn by Ben Garrison.

gellaho

New York New York New York

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

As opposed to New York, North Korea

Brendan

Ah yes, the famous Hard Rock guitar, visible from...space.

Star King Flippant Sausage

New york new york, as opposed to Neo New New York.

gellaho

The fuck is this conversation

LyraVarloid

The editor nods 'yes how else will they know which new york? now tell me more about caitlin'

NostraThomas TommyG

It's their first day as humans

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Shut the fuck up Lynch

Brendan

I think these teens hate each other.

NostraThomas TommyG

Typical image comic then

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The Mormons didn't build this town. Moe Green did.

FancyShark

Then we finally relate to them

gellaho

Like an excited puppy

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fuuuuuuuuuck I do not CARE about the Mormons and how they built Las Vegas or whateverrrr.

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

i read this as Caitlin' like Caitling is a verb that was being shortened in a folksy way and i will never read it a different way

Ozzie

Caitlin's a misdemeanor in these parts

FancyShark

"My bugle talks to me."

"That's nice, Grampa."

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Upon reflection, the Mormons being this closely connected to hell makes a lot of sense.

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Aw shucks, y'all wanna go Caitlin' down by the creek?"

Brendan

Mormon organized crime must be some really interesting stuff.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

They just call it the church.

Brendan

Let's diverge into THAT for twenty pages, shall we?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Maaaaan

gellaho

Jesus, these teens suck

gellaho

Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne

He was Caitlin' my little cousin and i just couldn't stand fer that, i had to smack him a bit.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Are we gonna get a short essay about the Nauvoo Legion?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

She was Caitlin on my Horn until I Grunge

Brendan

Caitlin's a minor miss.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Thank you, goodnight!

Brendan

With parts.

FancyShark

You could do something about that, Sarah. You could burn it down. All of it. And all of them.

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Hard time holding onto his horn around all these teens, huh.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Just cardinal things

gellaho

I don't know if these two have ever been to a casino

Brendan

I love that we have four idiots and one snob who hate that they're horny for each other, so the author drops the world's oldest priest in their midst to catalyze their dynamic to a crawl.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The King Suite is reserved for Elvis, obviously.

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

I'll settle for the Hill suite, thanks.

FancyShark

Squealing automatic doors are the best way to ensure your guests enjoy their stay

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Brave is the superhero team that thinks to include a California raisin

Brendan

What's the LEAST Gen13 thing imaginable? Pentacentarian priest lawyer/diplomat.

gellaho

The wacky nineties, maaaaaaaaaaaan

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Again, I need to play this game.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I had a feeling I'd be needing that image tonight

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah it seems like fucking my giant cybertit assassin boss and doing embezzlement seems like a real bad idea, but you do you.

gellaho

"Cuck me with your dweebiest underling, Ivana!"

Brendan

That's Vegas, baby!!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its pretty good but has some adventure game moon logic stuff.

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

The Koontz suite is exactly like the King suite only shabbier.

FancyShark

I think most of us went through a phase where we were up for opening the gates of hell for the person that took our virginity

Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸

Oh I am well experienced in that.

Brendan

Again, Catholic, so for me it's all one euphemism.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Phase?

FancyShark

I said "most"

Brendan

Koontz suite is two ideas for a room repeated the length of the entire floor.

Ozzie

There are entire fucking Meat Loaf albums about this

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I was introduced to Star Wars before organized religion and in the long run I think it was better for me

gellaho

Ho, hum

FancyShark

And no one ever reports a missing relative in Vegas

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Minor incidents, like paying customers being devoured

This is why you never let guests rent the Donner suite

gellaho

What do you think a casino is

Star King Flippant Sausage

"this certainly didnt register to Lolly as a red flag when it came to employment."

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

forty foot long sarcophagus?!?!?!?!

What is this room??

Star King Flippant Sausage

Stupid.

Ozzie

For ancient Egyptian Sentinel robots

gellaho

Subtle satire

FancyShark

I dunno. It feels too cheery for a casino.

gellaho

Wakka wakka

LyraVarloid

this is such a stark example of how this story could have not sucked so bad

BlindMonkey

I worry this is how my work sounds half the time

gellaho

Ozzie

Not the worst Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanart I've seen

Brendan

This is not the Roxy of my youth

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yours is much more entertaining.

Brendan

Thorn, right?

gellaho

Feel like I literally just read this

LyraVarloid

it does not

Ozzie

I was just being glib, I don't know what specifically you're referring to

Star King Flippant Sausage

For a comic mostly about teen tits and superpowered fights this is an extraordinarily boring novelization.

FancyShark

Somehow the only part of this that doesn't feel right is someone using nickels at a slot machine

BlindMonkey

Now that's some speed-read friendly repetition

Groundhog Day-Core

Brendan

Not wrong though.