87: Gen¹³: Netherwar Christopher Golden and Jeff Mariotte

Brendan

"Although still 16, she was in every way a woman now, with a woman's nascent sexual thoughts and curiosity about what an older man like Lynch could teach her."

Star King Flippant Sausage

You have to remember, they were PROUD of this back then.

gellaho

Meet Tom

FancyShark

Did teens ever wear button-up shirts in the 90's, or did that only happen when someone was going to hulk out?

Agent of Fortune

I read this comic

FancyShark

Hi, Tom

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Good old Tom, my favorite character.

gellaho

Tom breaks bad

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Can't wait for y'all to learn about his rich lore and layered characterization

See? Layers!

Brendan

Yes but by law they were denim or flannel.

FancyShark

Fuck yeah. Scanner Tom

gellaho

Tom was evil? Bwah!?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He starts good and becomes evil all along!

And then also Matt!

Brendan

Tom is our friend.

FancyShark

Tom Hallinanuhhnotoates

gellaho

Deus Ex Daddy

Star King Flippant Sausage

Secret superhuman army sounds pretty cool tho.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I mean, come on, Project Genesis is about terraforming. The Klingons leaked this shit ages ago

Brendan

This lone chapter explaining irrelevant origin is 9x the action of the previous ones.

gellaho

Lynch thought it'd be funny to watch them get experimented on first though

FancyShark

That prankster

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahah they were so proud of this fucking shitty comic at the time.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

What a great teacher

Star King Flippant Sausage

They really thought they had a winner on their hands.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

And the sad part is even with all that, he's still kind of better than Professor X.

gellaho

NOTHING SUSPICIOUS

FancyShark

He clawed his own face? He HAD A TANTRUM AND THAT'S HIS SCAR STORY?

gellaho

NOW LET US BLOW UP THE LOCAL CAMPUS AND PARTY

Agent of Fortune

More like a weiner

gellaho

NOBODY WILL NOTICE US

Brendan

Wait did the flashback origin just reveal its flashback origin?

Agent of Fortune

LaJolla is not a relative paradise, it is an absolutely beautiful town

Brendan

This is like when Ang Lee thought Bruce Banner surviving a bomb was unbelievable unless his dad injected him with sea cucumber DNA in utero.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah yeah right, people in that part of California are notoriously not snoopy, sure.

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

The people who live there have been waging war on sea lions for years now

FancyShark

Harvey Bullock, PI

shit, I'd actually read the hell out of that

gellaho

FYI the Cardinal had a nightmare if that comes up. I skipped it

Lew Manning

Brendan

Death of a Salesman: Gen 13 reading

FancyShark

The relative Peyton does not acknowledge

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Say, uh, izzat one of them comic book superhero stories ya got there? My wife loves those things, always has, always tellin me about this Fantastic Foursome she reads about…"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Keeps sending Peyton his records tho.

FancyShark

"Just one more flashback, ma'am..."

Star King Flippant Sausage

Okay I have to give this writer credit, he's perfectly captured how I remember the literal single issue of Gen13 I read.

Mostly full of nothing and boobs.

gellaho

That chapter is 3 guys looking for the Cardinal at the airport

FancyShark

I'm on the edge of my seat

gellaho

Anyway

Star King Flippant Sausage

The Lost Luggage of Il Mediatore.

Agent of Fortune

Do they find him?

Star King Flippant Sausage

Holy shit its fuckin Shin, he's gonna do some Nanto Seiken for us.

gellaho

He's having nightmares at the Gen13 house, so no

Grunge wastes a lot of text thinking about merit badges

Star King Flippant Sausage

This is exactly why you should never let the elderly fly unaccompanied, if you do the airline will lose them like they lose peoples pets, and you have a much harder time getting a millennia old man back from Saudi Arabia where Virgin Airlines left him.

FancyShark

Macrame. Canoeing. Good Sportsmanship. All of them

gellaho

It is hilarious how you ogle us

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

Has there be an action not in flashback or rainmaker's bed

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Not yet

FancyShark

There was a brief fight on a college campus

gellaho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

No comment

FancyShark

I demand Joe and Frank Hardy kill this man

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

I dont know why they tolerate Grunge.

LyraVarloid

or whatever indeed

FancyShark

Again, just so much action

Star King Flippant Sausage

Peanut Butter Capn Crunch was pretty good tho.

gellaho

"IF ONLY SHE WERE REAL, DAMMIT"

Agent of Fortune

Eh I'd still shtup her

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I'm glad we're only now being introduced to Anna

Brendan

THEY ALL LAUGHED

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Not with you, Author. Not with you.

Brendan

The man has a condition and these...teenage TARTS just LAUGH in his FACE!

His beautifully grungey face.

What are his powers?

FancyShark

He's Absorbing Man

Star King Flippant Sausage

I think he's like Absorbing Man?

Agent of Fortune

He flows evenly

Star King Flippant Sausage

If Absorbing Man was a sex pest. Is being a sex pest a power?

Agent of Fortune

He smells like teen spirit

gellaho

"She's so smart"

FancyShark

Starfox was

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Was it Slippy? I bet it was Slippy.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure that's not what it does

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

You can't tell me that frog dude wasn't working on some kinky shit in his off hours.

Agent of Fortune

Wait

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It's just oral sex, preach. Chill out

Agent of Fortune

Is this how a Netherwar might happen

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Well, by "Open the gates" we mean "Knock down the walls" but you are all stupid so we just simplified it."

Brendan

HOW IS THAT GOING TO KEEP CEREAL CRISP I ASK YOU

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

might is being optimistic

gellaho

"Wait, am I the only dumb one?"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not to mention its a dire misunderstanding of how Capn Crunch markets itself.

FancyShark

You are teenagers. The thought of demons and hell should be getting you stoked

Brendan

Grunge absorbed the milk and kept his cereal dry. Now he smells like body-temperature milk.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Now I'm just a simple country badger but maybe just, like. Smash the horn then? So no one can open hell at all?

Brendan

I dunno, I'm starting to recognize a fellow stunted Catholic in Caitlin.

FancyShark

That sounds dangerously close to thinkin'

Brendan

And THAT will be my in!

gellaho

But if it only opens when it's in hell, how do you get it into hell

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Oh look, I sealed Hell forever. What'd that take, ten seconds? Eleven, tops"

Star King Flippant Sausage

God would just make another horn, God loves leaving the keys to the Pit laying around.

Brendan

It's telling this book starred my dream woman and I never even opened its pages.

FancyShark

You read this book

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

They're fun plot coupons

gellaho

It apparently closes the gates on Earth

So there is no problem

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I mean… good??

That sounds even better?

Agent of Fortune

Is this the same hell as the spawn hell?

GDC

Then how are you getting into hell to open the gates?

Brendan

Quick Q how are they going to open hell to get here to blow the horn if the horn is here and not in hell

Star King Flippant Sausage

I think it might be.

GDC

This seems like a non issue

Brendan

Spawn and Grifter just stroll into this book to make it exciting.

FancyShark

Adventure!

Star King Flippant Sausage

You just have to play Mario Kart and lose on Rainbow Road 666 times, then reset the console.

Brendan

Savage Dragon hassles the teens

gellaho

Then I suggest you blow the horn and close the gates

FancyShark

Author? We solved your problem. Can we go?

Star King Flippant Sausage

So who gives a fuck about the horn now, if theres a FUCKING HOLE IN THE DOOR.

Note, none of these dipshit teens can fix any of this.

FancyShark

Here's this artifact. It's very important. Now nevermind, because it has no effect on this

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

This door hole and the human windpipe are why I can never take the intelligent design argument seriously.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not to mention the fact the human heart wouldnt have heart attacks if the valves were designed differently.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

You hear that, God!? It's your fault my mom has a stent!!!

gellaho

You missed the three idiots from the airport talk to a cabbie. Anyway

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

(Super fine, to be clear. Recovery went really well).

Oh. Oh jeez.

FancyShark

Ahhh. Clearly that's Grunge

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahah I was wondering when they'd do that.

Agent of Fortune

One of the guys who wrote this was VP of Marketing at Wildstorm

FancyShark

And the writer of Gen13

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

So did we like, ask a Native person how to handle this, or is this a Honest Hearts situation

Star King Flippant Sausage

The one issue I saw just had her in a swimsuit and squeezing Roxy's ass.

FancyShark

I think Native Americans have suffered far more than necessary already

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Agent of Fortune

Neither of them worked on the comic I don't think

FancyShark

"Homer Simpson! That'll never get old! I'll make sure of it."

Agent of Fortune

Burbank does suck

GDC

At least he clarified the reference he was making.

Brendan

Honestly, sex pest lesbian would have at least been new ground for a Native character if they hadn't prolapsed into tracker skills and raindancing.

Agent of Fortune

Tbf the reference is still current

LyraVarloid

so much wakka wakka and not cool mutant battles

gellaho

Be sure to send me an email

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

Ow my head

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah, Bobby doesnt know what gay is.

FancyShark

"You're horrible and unappealing, Bobby."

Agent of Fortune

I like how they gave the iceman analog the same name as iceman

Star King Flippant Sausage

I hate Gen13 so much.

LyraVarloid

how could she not be swept away by being called 'babe a licious' like she's food of some kind but also a baby? Why would that be unappealing?

gellaho

These guys know women

Star King Flippant Sausage

"I DONT KNOW WHY THIS LESBIAN I WORK WITH DOESNT WANT TO FUCK ME!"

"I complimented her and everything!"

Brendan

This was also firmly the age of "she doesn't want to fuck me, must be a lesbian" so he shouldn't even be confused.

FancyShark

Anna Nicole Smith, a reference that will never age badly

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"But then you had to be Anna Nicole Smith or something not to be"

gellaho

Ladies, amirite

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

RIGHT? Like I knew what a lesbian was at that exact moment in time.

Bobby has no excuse.

Agent of Fortune

Ugh

Brendan

hahaha, eat a dick, Bechdel Test

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Roxy with the both sides canard

gellaho

NAAAAAAAAAH

LyraVarloid

They then started pillow fighting as their clothes fell off

ha ha ha

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Bobby isnt so bad, you should fuck him a little so he leaves you alone." isnt the great idea you think it is Roxy.

Brendan

"hey, you know what would be really crazy?" Sarah's voice reached a baby pitch Roxy had never heard before.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

You know what would be really crazy?

If something FUCKING happened.

Brendan

"We should go to this book signing downtown and pick up pulp authors."

gellaho

Later, in the van, an extended discussion about Buffy the Vampire Slayer... The Movie

Agent of Fortune

Or some fucking

LyraVarloid

It's hard to make mutant powered people this dull but they've really managed.

Star King Flippant Sausage

THe one issue I read literally had Sarah spreading suntan lotion on Roxy as they talked about how hot Caitlin was and how much they wish Bobby and Grunge were less shitty.

gellaho

Hey, that dweeb fucked the business lady

FancyShark

Heroes took two seasons!

Brendan

I do not miss when we thought this was how cool guys talked.

GDC

Not wrong about Sarah Michelle gellar, to be fair.

LyraVarloid

The first season was SO good though or I remember it that way I haven't rewatched that shit in a long time

Brendan

The internet did a lot of damage to society and the environment but at least it leveled out our ideas of who's cool.

gellaho

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

That knowledge will keep me warm on the rest of the long march into collapse

FancyShark

Looking at this dialogue really shows how Joss Whedon felt revolutionary

gellaho

Maaaaaaaaaaaan

Brendan

Nobody thought this much about Kristy Swanson even then, and yes, we saw both Billy Madison and the Mortal Kombat that might have starred her.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Gen13 with the late surprise entry into Van Week!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hey Lynch. Have you considered that maybe you dont NEED to use superpowered teen soldiers for things? Maybe possibly they should NOT be doing this

Brendan

This is an old man's idea of cool teens by an old man who knows teens aren't as cool as they think they are.

FancyShark

Gas mileage estimation! YOU ARE ENTERTAINED!

Brendan

Seems much more like a Spawn job.

Or at least WildCATs, since people thought Daemonites were demons.

GDC

Or possibly Constantine.

FancyShark

He'd fuck it up and cry for a few issues first

Star King Flippant Sausage

Or one of the fifty other guys with names like "Deathblood" or "Killfist"

gellaho

I guess the sedan also has rocket boosters

Brendan

He gave women, like, THOUGHTS even if they were bodacious AND let Sarah Michelle Gellar star without breast augmentation! For REAL, dudes!

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Have we tried sending in the SwatKATS? I know it sounds crazy but—

FancyShark

ROCKET! VAAAAAN!

Brendan

Okay, these are officially Ninja Turtles now.

gellaho

The rocket van is very inconspicuous

The arm thing

Agent of Fortune

Why does this hurt so much

Brendan

Grunge = Mike

Fairchild = Leo/Don

Burnout = Horny Raph

Everyone else = Tits

FancyShark

Because we lived it

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Honest to god all I can think of is how much cooler this would all be if The Eliminators were involved instead of these clowns.

LyraVarloid

What good would the sheet metal thing be, I'm so confused wouldn't being sheet metal any part of you be less than ideal?

gellaho

"They call me freefall because I can control gravity but all I can think of is dropping things"

FancyShark

"It's important I remind everyone of my name every time I use my powers!"

gellaho

"Tits and beautiful beings of pure light who should definitely step on me"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Rocks Rox! Wait

Brendan

Long way to say muscular redhead, Gel.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Bobby doesnt have the hang of this whole codename thing.

But its not that important because their enemies already know their real names.

Brendan

Rainmaker's last name is her codename.

gellaho

I.O. Keepers are what I call my hard drives

Brendan

Roxy's codename is her first name.

gellaho

As is Fairchild

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Familiar" despite going completely undescribed

FancyShark

Oh no! Not mean guns!

Agent of Fortune

Roxy is Freefall

Brendan

Caitlin hates her codename, which is near as i can tell about her skin tone.

gellaho

Her first name is not "Freefall"

That would be too stupid even for this

Brendan

Freefal Roxy Percival Chang, yes tit is.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Please, Freefall was my mother. Call me Roxanne.

Agent of Fortune

Did you miss the whole bit where she shouted "This is why they call me Freefall"

FancyShark

I'm shocked you can still differentiate stupidities after this

Brendan

I miss SO MUCH with two pets who hate each other.

I've got a cat clawing at the doorframe as we type

gellaho

Get someone in here to describe helicopter sounds that has never heard a helicopter

gellaho

I'm an expert

Agent of Fortune

My cat is yelling at me for dinner

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"We cannot get out."

gellaho

Beep Boop

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The recognizable shuddering of helicopters

Fuck yeah, random robot portrait!

Brendan

IO Keepers are the Foot Clan of this book

gellaho

Scattertaser

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Bobby performed an aerial maneuver"

"Elaborate on that"

"No"

FancyShark

"She's wafting us!"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Does anyone know how intense a gravity field needs to be before it causes ions to change direction?

Because I do not but I bet its alot.

gellaho

Scatter Tom A Swift's Electronic Rifle

FancyShark

I think it's no more than three or four

Brendan

They make superbattles read like local paper sports articles.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

If they show up with scattertasers on gravcrystal surfboards these kids are fucked

Star King Flippant Sausage

SO yeah I think Roxy has godlike power but is too stupid to use it.

gellaho

Excessive

Brendan

Roxy controls gravity right?

gellaho

I guess

Brendan

Freefall is the worst possible name she could have

FancyShark

"In other news, civilians were maimed by several meteors thrown by a child. And now Dan, with the weather..."

gellaho

Seems to mostly consist of her lifting and dropping things

You could literally make anything attract anything else

But I bet the writer's don't know that's what gravity is

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

She's more of a Controlleddrop, really

Brendan

This team is two idiots and three babes. It's basically Bosom Buddies

LyraVarloid

'awfully good at throwing down with bad men' and then they pat themselves on the back and went out for drinks

Star King Flippant Sausage

I like how shes precious about Tom exploding heads and stuff but Bobby just sent that guy to the hospital and he will never open his own ketchup bottles or stop screaming again.

FancyShark

She knocked him out but let his hands keep melting

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Fuck them hands.

gellaho

Like, she should be able to make all these bad guys and their vehicles form a giant ball

But she just lifts and drops things

Or send them all into space

Star King Flippant Sausage

She should have killed him mercifully, I dont think henchtroopers have good medical insurance.

Agent of Fortune

We wanted action, we should've been careful what we wished for

gellaho

His what now

FancyShark

hahahahaha

what the fuck

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Detroit-hard, in that it had a rough collapse that it's never really recovered from, even with Viagra