87: Gen¹³: Netherwar Christopher Golden and Jeff Mariotte

FancyShark

You're calling out her lack of a middle name? What are you, five?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Ivana: confirmed leg gal

gellaho

In come the dweebs

GDC

Carolyn doesn't make her job her life, lay off

Star King Flippant Sausage

"I had no trouble climbing the ladder." said the unnaturally beautiful cyborg.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He's definitely tried to turn "the Horn is on the move" into a pickup line

Agent of Fortune

Hey guys, what have I missed holy shit somebody wrote a Gen 13 NOVEL?

gellaho

Me write clichéd dialog

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yes! And its as fucking stupid as you'd think.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The Horn of Jericho is definitely what Chris calls it.

FancyShark

The Horn of Jerry was the first draft

Star King Flippant Sausage

He's an immortal cardinal tho, Ivana. He's probably learned a few things.

gellaho

Mr Reisner is definitely long for this world

Agent of Fortune

But literally the entire point of that book was the J. Scott Campbell art

Brendan

It's Christina Hendricks's evil sister Karen!

gellaho

ROBONAILS ACTIVATE

Star King Flippant Sausage

"No, actually HR did. I dont hire anyone. In fact, YOU have more to do with hiring than I do."

FancyShark

I do wish more meetings ended this way

jakesy “the korf magician”

So far this whole book has been typed out one-handedly

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh cool I've heard of X-23 too.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Faithful to the comic.

gellaho

Killing the strong men, keeping the weenies with the strong, hot women

Agent of Fortune

Does this take place before or after they made the Native American woman a predatory lesbian

gellaho

I wonder why

FancyShark

The janitor saw the aftermath and called to say he'd be late getting home

gellaho

Meanwhile, dancing

FancyShark

All ages dance club?! Keen!

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I wonder if the higher ups will ever get their arms around Ivana routinely murdering experienced members of their organization for the sake of corrupting fuckable interns

That feels like a problem they ought to solve

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Goddammit I hate working for these fuckers. THey wont even buy me a new mop, gotta clean up fucking brains all day. Assholes."

FancyShark

"Nudder bloody review meeting. Better get the blue spray bottle."

Agent of Fortune

Market Street is super gentrified now

gellaho

"God, she's so hot and tall and doesn't care about dancing"

Agent of Fortune

It's right by Petco Park

gellaho

"She's so smart she does math on the dance floor"

Agent of Fortune

I'm 6'2" and that doesn't make me a periscope

Loud music?!?!?!

FancyShark

"I bet she'd love to talk about my calculator"

Brendan

Rather than tell us who these characters are, SHOW us by having them TELL us.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

There are 400 people in the dance hall. If 68 percent are males, 272 of them are on the dance floor. Using this information, calculate how long until gellaho throws the book across the room. Show all work.

jakesy “the korf magician”

She wanted an older man, one who doesn't go out and get drunk like the chads and instead stays home and writes pulp novels about comic book characters

gellaho

"She doesn't care about dancing but is also really good at dancing and math and she is so strong and WHY ISN'T SHE REAL"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Caitlin is fucking insufferable and despite what this book would have you think, nobody wants to fuck her because shes smart. They all want to fuck her because shes hot.

Agent of Fortune

I've only read so much of this comic and Grunge does not know the word gyrate

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Born to Gyrate was almost certainly crossed off in the E Street Band's liner notes

gellaho

Get yourself a lady with monk hair

FancyShark

I hope she follows through on trying to force a smart brain out of the mush from smashing multiple brains together

gellaho

"DON'T YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY CAITLIN"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Tonsures make a comeback, man. They're like cassette tapes and preventable diseases.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Lady is either going to attempt to kill Grunge or has the worst taste, and is a very sad woman.

GDC

Grunge is the kind of guy you can hunt by smell

gellaho

Chicks love the chest tattoo

Brendan

Fine physical descriptions, but I remain completely in the dark which of these women looks like they're ever surprised by anything.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Lol is Caitlin tearing her shirts because her tits are too bodacious to be contained

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Muscular", a word which here means "blubbery and densely forested with hair"

Agent of Fortune

you know folks, we really dodged a bullet that there wasn't an X-Men named Emo in the early 2000s and please don't tell me if there was

jakesy “the korf magician”

Is that what they're trying to say

gellaho

Third option, walking in a way nobody would

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Don't worry, they made up for it with Safespace and Snowflake

Agent of Fortune

That was in the X-Statix continuation, right?

Brendan

Well, someone PUBLISHED a gen 13 novel.

gellaho

So

FancyShark

That's right, virgin readers. Lesbians can attract hot women by simply existing. No effort required.

gellaho

As a reminder

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Think so

gellaho

These dipshits are supposed to be maintaining a low profile

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I've known at least one predator who thought so

jakesy “the korf magician”

At least one of them isn't actively on fire in the club

GDC

They lady had an extremely finely tuned gaydar

Star King Flippant Sausage

Blonde girl has exquisitely tuned gaydar. She can detect a lesbian at 200 yards.

jakesy “the korf magician”

…yet

gellaho

Duuuuude

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

maaaaaaaaaan

FancyShark

Way to stick to your convictions, Grunge

jakesy “the korf magician”

First you get the jobs, then you get the khakis, then you get the chicks

gellaho

The giant hot girl dancing in the middle of a crowd

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Chicks, amirite fellas?"

gellaho

Dude out with his extremely noticeable chest tattoo

UNDER THE RADAR

Star King Flippant Sausage

God these two idiots couldnt get laid in a monkey whorehouse on banana Wednesday but they are always talking about it.

Brendan

Yeah, it's really showing its limitations when set to prose. (Sorry, I know I'm lagging but cripes, guys I only went downstairs two minutes to get crackers and root beer.)

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

They're so overt, it's covert

jakesy “the korf magician”

No need to bring the FBI into this

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

The big limitation, incidentally, is the prose.

Agent of Fortune

To be fair to the "writer" I've been to San Diego Comic Con after parties exactly like this

gellaho

Dude, busted

Brendan

"Blood spurted" is the most passive an active verb has ever managed to be.

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Hey, you're my boss, not my dad............Right? This is a comic so its very unclear."

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Frank Dux presents: "Bloodspurt"

FancyShark

Mr. Not-Evil

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

Wait when did we get back to the Xavier institute

I think Lynch actually was a bad guy, but he escaped with the Gen 13 teenagers

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh fuck, grunge really is Kurt Cobain.

Agent of Fortune

I forget why, it's been years

Star King Flippant Sausage

Surprisingly the guy running a secret super teen covert ops force is the good guy. He's their Professor X, fuckbot not included.

gellaho

"And I want everyone to always be talking about Caitlin"

jakesy “the korf magician”

Except he swears that he don't have a gun- wait a minute

Star King Flippant Sausage

Everyone is so fucking tired of Grunge.

gellaho

NETHERWAR

gellaho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

At least he lasted longer than Disco

Agent of Fortune

They're ready for post grunge

FancyShark

"I need a whole chapter about Caitlin climbing stairs. Taking each step. Stepping on-NGGYYAAAAAHHHH!"

Brendan

This is an idiot's calculation.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Love some pop culture references that will NEVER AGE POORLY FOR ANY REASON.

Agent of Fortune

I will give the comic credit for having an out character in the 90s, even if they did it in the clumsiest and most exploitive way possible

gellaho

Make sure you get some strange when a secret organization is after you

gellaho

There's no way they could possibly have sent someone to seduce you

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Mr Lunch is a really bad superhero teacher if he didn't even warn his kids about honeypotting

FancyShark

Many are the worshippers of the church of Kelly

Agent of Fortune

Speaking of lol

GDC

Opsec is getting your one night to drop you off at your secret base.

gellaho

These characters are just so likeable

Agent of Fortune

Grunt

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Well somebody's gotta be the designated driver

gellaho

I don't know if you've noticed a difference in the way the male and female characters are written

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Whaaaat

Noooooo

Agent of Fortune

I haven't noticed any writing tbf

Star King Flippant Sausage

Kelly isnt a seven foot dude in armadillo themed power armor so they're probably okay.

Im not kidding about the armadillo dude.

gellaho

"And she's also so cute and innocent and smart and strong and WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME HER, GOD!"

FancyShark

The best part about comic books with superheroes is the thrilling action setpieces. The high stakes drama unfolding as questions of mortality and morality are handled while attempting to help the less fortunate.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

all the way up the stairs. That wheel of fortune reference just fucking killed it with these teenagers

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Hahahahah Caitlin doesnt understand fucking."

FancyShark

Just, so much action...

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Somebody's getting some action but it sure ain't the author

gellaho

"And so humble and cool and"

Star King Flippant Sausage

It should be a law nobody is allowed to fuck anyone who worked on Gen13.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Beauteous is a real Eustace ass word

FancyShark

Don't worry. That happened naturally

Star King Flippant Sausage

You say that but I would be willing to be more than one of them has reproduced by now.

FancyShark

"She's so smart and doesn't understand what the creeps are talking about."

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fucking Grunge and his word a day calendar.

gellaho

So frail, but still able to fight off a demon and get to California

Agent of Fortune

In the unreleased animated movie they made of this Flea voiced grunge

Star King Flippant Sausage

God really has a sense of humor giving the cardinal an immortal but old as shit body.

gellaho

Seriously wacky stuff

FancyShark

I genuinely want the story about the immortal priest who has guarded Earth from the forces of hell, not "The Talk" as written by Peter David

GDC

He's got the shitty kind of immortality where he doesn't stop aging

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Seriously wacky, y'all. Totally bonkers. Absolute banana shoes level stuff.

FancyShark

That's somehow even better! How has he managed to keep from fucking up this long?!

gellaho

What is this television you speak of

Star King Flippant Sausage

Dont worry, these are 90s Image comics, this guy is so run of the mill he's boring.

Agent of Fortune

Yes Way

FancyShark

No, I know. I read way too much Spawn as a teen

LyraVarloid

you wouldn't need a television to know that's the reply to 'No Way'

gellaho: Van-off Champion

Don't worry about how, that detail is not important

Star King Flippant Sausage

Il Mediatore is a big fan of Waynes World.

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Good old Jack Hoff— err, Jack Lynch

FancyShark

"Story? Hahaha, no audience. That's boring. Let me tell you about my should-be-wife, Caitlin"

gellaho: Van-off Champion

Ah, the old nerd tradition of thinking all religious figures are secretly sorcerers

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

Incidentally what the author was up to while writing

FancyShark

He pulls a quarter out of her ear

Agent of Fortune

This is way funnier if you picture Lynch as this Lynch

King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑

In fairness plenty of religious folks think the same thing, you can't just pin this all on the nerds

jakesy “the korf magician”

The only people who can resist Caitlin's Smokin hot bod: Catholic clergymen

GDC

You know a lady with weather control powers, kids, this shouldn't shock you

Star King Flippant Sausage

To be fair, if God was real enough to grant immortality all religeous figures WOULD be sorcerers.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Also they're called Miracles if you're a cleric. Coke on, Gen13

gellaho

Whoa, like, demons, man

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Whaaaaat's the deaaaal with demons?!?

GDC

Is it Grunge Man or just Grunge?

FancyShark

Grunge's standup act died before it was even born

gellaho

The Peter David school of references

Star King Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, no way did any one under 25 care about the Three Stooges in the 90s.

Old ass man writing.

FancyShark

Please give a detailed explanation about how Latin is the original language or the language of sorcerers, you hack

gellaho

I have a somewhat hard time believing Percival Chang was raised catholic, but sure

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Proto-indo-European pig latin

Agent of Fortune

Oh was this Peter David? Okay

FancyShark

This was not

But same industry

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

This was David Peter

gellaho

That was the kind of reference Peter David loves

jakesy “the korf magician”

Must…not…talk….shit…about…Peter

Star King Flippant Sausage

Okay before you all get any ideas, this is what Grunge looks like:

FancyShark

"I can bend the weather to my will. Yes, of course, I'm Catholic"

gellaho

MEANWHILE

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

What an aggressively nothing character design

gellaho

I don't believe you, where's his shitty chest tattoo

Star King Flippant Sausage

I kind of suspect Grunge comes by the ":Chang" in his name via random name generator.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He was adopted.

Star King Flippant Sausage

His robo mom made him remove it.

GDC

His most distinguishing feature is blue jeans

FancyShark

Mark is definitely not turned on by this

gellaho

"Step on meeeeeeeeee"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He landed in a trash can that came from the stars and a kindly Asian American family took him in.

Agent of Fortune

I'm trying to picture this and can't

Ozzie

Grunge's creator is Korean, so, I dunno, this might've been a real attempt at representation.

Brendan

AWARD THIS, YOU COWARDS

gellaho

Bring me my dweebiest employee to fuck

Agent of Fortune

Yeah Jim Lee created Gen13

Star King Flippant Sausage

I guess the artist didnt get the note then.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh I'm sure he got the note

FancyShark

"And what she wanted was affordable life insurance"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Handy that Mark was the Geico gecko.

LyraVarloid

with the lowest of premiums

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

Ivana is a cyborg so she probably just wants him to polish her chrome.

jakesy “the korf magician”

SNAAAAAAAAAKE

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha that art wants you to know it smokes a pack a day.

FancyShark

"Hrrrnmm. Shitty superheroes?"

Ozzie

Man I bet this guy will not in any way remind me of Snake Plissken or Nick Fury.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Not in any favorable way.

Agent of Fortune

More like Jake Furey

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Snek Pisskin

LyraVarloid

I still love Snake Plissken so much it's embarrasing.

FancyShark

Nick Fury? Who's that? Why would you pay more for Nick Fury when you can have Mister Lynch

gellaho

FLASHBACK TO: "Oh, God, she's so smart and cool and not after those cool guys"

Star King Flippant Sausage

the "We have Nick Fury at home" Nick Fury.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Gen13 is a flat circle.

Agent of Fortune

She should go to the Princeton Record Exchange

That place rules

gellaho

"And she was like a girl nerd, but then she got hot and strong enough to carry me"

Star King Flippant Sausage

She wants to establish a near monopoly and drive Netscape Navigator out of business, then be the subject of an antitrust investigation by the government.

Brendan

This just sounds like detrimental terms for Italians.

gellaho

Can't see any red flags there

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Between Show and Tell, the author has chosen a secret third option: "Masturbate"

FancyShark

Bored? Lonely? Consider government medical experiments!

GDC

Beats Oregon, anyway

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"She's super smart and strong and not like other girls but immediately fell for a military recruiting pitch"

gellaho

German, of course

FancyShark

Is that bingo? Do we have bingo?

Star King Flippant Sausage

I mean at this very instant if some dude in a military uniform knocked on my door and told me "Hey we can give you superpowers, would you like to be shot full of our dubious science juice for a probably sketchy and illegal purpose?" I would agree.

GDC

Helga was an Operation Paperclip acquisition.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Man, this almost sounds like it could be the topic of a neat book. Anyway,

gellaho

"Ugh, so innocent and cute"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

HAZARD

DANGER: door

FancyShark

If the author doesn't climax soon, this book is going to get weird

GDC

She's very trusting of older authority figures. Authors, for instance.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

And clergymen, and teachers

Brendan

I AM CAUGHT UP

Star King Flippant Sausage

Caitlin is the kind of teen who all you need to do is tell her "I have a puppy. : and she is in your van before you finish speaking.

gellaho

"But even before she was strong, she was still athletic and the best of the best and mine"

FancyShark

Caitlin: The Lost Dahm Triplet

gellaho

Miles Craven

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"Shipped home", 'home' being the meat pit where their executed corpses slowly emulsified into a single mass before being repackaged as Spam

FancyShark

If Sarah was actually a homely Australian girl with prominent knuckle hair, I think I'd respect this writer more

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I'm so glad you fUCKING TOLD US ALL OF THIS INSTEAD OF MAKING IT THE STORY YOU HACK

GDC

Miles Craven was a name chosen with a Spiderman comic and some darts.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Craven was a popular name among a certain kind of writer in the 90s.

gellaho

And now: their escape begins with vomit, cigs, and snacks

Star King Flippant Sausage

One who didnt believe in owning a thesaurus.

FancyShark

"And Alex was sooooo hot, you guys. What? We're not doing that? Okay."

gellaho

TIME TO HULK CAITLIN OUT

FancyShark

This is how puberty works

Brendan

This chapter is an expo dump

GDC

Haven't they all been?

FancyShark

Oh, it's a dump, alright

gellaho

"OH, GOD, IT'S HAPPENING! SHE'S SO HOT! WE'RE SUCH GOOD WRITERS!"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

"And she's so hot and so smart and so strong and so innocent and she can BREAK A MAN'S SPINE IN A SINGLE BLOW— huh! Hoh! No! N-not yet…! Must… finish… my masterwork…!"

fapfapfapfapfap

FancyShark

"Her baby eyes popped out and her adult ones grew in"

Star King Flippant Sausage

Normally I'd make fun of a book for feeling like they needed to explain an established characters backstory but you definitely DO need to do this for Gen13

FancyShark

Do you?

Brendan

FINALLY we know the origin of Grunge's shirtlessness

GDC

I'm glad we know Grunge took the opportunity to be a perv

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

As if it needed to be said