89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

Brendan

Jeremy's a real chauvinist for someone who lives in an egg.

FancyShark

Just once, I want one of these authors to get all horned up over a woman with hairy legs and act like it's not a big deal. Just to break up the pattern.

gellaho

That's the leader from the Regulators

St Anne the fussy

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"She had the face of an angel, and the legs of a bear."

Brendan

Then I stand with the pro-female authoritarians.

gellaho

Jeremy is making Dragonard fight against them to prove his loyalty

FancyShark

"He wanted to run his hands through her leg hair as it billowed in the wind"

gellaho

DAMN YOU MECCANO-SCREWS

Brendan

At least they remember the precepts of Star Messiah Rebel Timecop Reiley

LyraV

I love the phrase 'the hatch of the command egg' no notes there

FancyShark

"Oh darn, I have to kill people. Whatever will I do."

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

meccano-screws.............fuck you book.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He only just now realized he had no screwdriver

Brendan

I have the best joke for this but I can only deliver it aurally or I'll get canceled for lack of nuance.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

No meccano-screwdriver.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

People in the future have alot of time on their hands, so they make sure everything has a clunky name

gellaho

Dragonard debates popping a bubble. His erection says do it, but his loyalty to the group who took advantage of his rage birth defect is also powerful

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It's no maxi-protonic tower, thats for sure.

GDC

The space cops gave Nard stockholm syndrome

gellaho

Dragonard can kill the bearded with impunity

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Who else is going to accept a violent sex berserker as one of their own except space cops?

FancyShark

Gillette: The Last A Man Can Get

gellaho

FUCK YOU BEARDIES!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

ph it's fine they aren't cops, they're just untrained guys hired to be cops, murder away

LyraV

No one refers to shooting that way, you just PULL the fucking trigger Dragonard.

FancyShark

Mall security?

Brendan

"Ahhhh Dragonard this is Command Alpha, you are clear to Kill. Killing zone open fire, confirmed."

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

quite the leap to mercenary before "relaxed uniform requirements"

Brendan

So--cops?

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

This discourse is evolving faster than I can keep up with

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

murder away

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

maaan

FancyShark

Can't hear you. Mowing down beards.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Quite a switch from "oh moral concerns! How can I?!" to "cackling laser death dealing."

GDC

Now that they're people who don't want him dead, he's free to kill them

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Everybody's first is their hardest. The rest is just fun

Brendan

Moving to Canada tomorrow.

gellaho

Any other author and I swear this was a pun

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Not to be construed as legal advice

But also yay come visit

FancyShark

I hope the command egg has a little general's hat

GDC

The egg was summoned by Lenny

Brendan

I love that it's still an egg

LyraV

Too late, already construed I'm otw the sew chaos

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Doctor Ivo Robotnik: Space Cop.

gellaho

, bitch

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

rad come visit

Brendan

This episode is like the densest to ever grace the Simpsons.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

bring your shortsword

gellaho

No need to tell them my intricate beard secrets

Brendan

This book seriously had him fall in love with Kristin YESTERDAY only to move on to the superior Bel, a high-breasted redhead with presumably some differences from my ex.

gellaho

Jeremy posted pickets.

LyraV

Never sew chaos without it.

gellaho

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Space threesome.

gellaho

IT'S YOUR BOY

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Awww, he's making a little picket fence

TINGO

FancyShark

WOOOOT!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

TINGO COUNT INCREMENTED!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

EX-slaver so you know it's okay to root for him

gellaho

Well, at least he looks more like a wizard now

GDC

More like Tingo Springleg

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He's moved on to being a child employment advocate.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Tingo still has a limb he can lose...

LyraV

The blanket of chaos that I sew, is clearly what I meant lol

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He wrote a bill being considered by the Iowa legislature to let kids back into the mines they yearn for.

gellaho

Um is what you say when nodding, sure

FancyShark

"Remember when I swore vengeance on you as you left me bleeding out of the stumps where my limbs used to be?"

"No."

"...I was kind of hoping you did. I had a whole thing prepared."

Brendan

"Yehh noo NUTHIN Jon Dragonard"

GDC

Slaving is one thing, but mercenary work? that's beneath you, tingo

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Also now Im Tingo Spellfeetandhands."

Brendan

MY GUY

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also he has a sweet space peg leg.

Brendan

Tingo/Rex Moran buddy crime movie

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He can open wine bottles with it.

gellaho

"And fuck you for asking me to explain, reader" - John Jakes

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Gotta save the material for that Tingo Spellhands spin off series.

gellaho

I wonder which one

FancyShark

"Dirt"

LyraV

Tingo returns in a flurry of impossibility.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

The Brak the Barbarian money might run out, always good to keep one in the pocket.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Fuck someone buy the rights to the Tingo Spellhands IP.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Tingo Spellhands shirts, Tingo Spellhands video game, Tingo Spellhands bedsheets, made with actual child labor.

Because they are regular bedsheets.

gellaho

"High-assed!? You son of a bitch!"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

i want a series about this ex-slaver blasting cops with rave lights and never explaining shit.

LyraV

The Tingo Spellhands bra line has some potential.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"NOBODY CALLS DRAGONARD HIGH ASSED!"

LyraV

Wait until he gets his spell hands on your tingos.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Up washed the redness, and sprang into the billabong

"You'll never take me alive!" Said he

gellaho

Spellhands gets pimp slapped

Brendan

John there's no need to lampshade stuff under the veil of suspension of disbelief.

Standard rule: if it's easier to think of an explanation than explain, vaya con diablo

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Face backspelled Handshands' hands twice he.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Blanching implies a fear response, generally not followed by a pair of backhands

FancyShark

Unless you're sassing the Golden Girls

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Whiteness drove the color from Jeremy's face." Fuck you book.

gellaho

Must have the bluest balls at this point

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I have almost as many suspicions of you as Lyra does, Brendan.

Brendan

Strong females only beautiful females.

FancyShark

Last night, I would have doubted you. Now I only doubt myself.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Very natural langauge.

gellaho

Looks like it's High Blue

gellaho

And you called this book horny

LyraV

Just hammering off into the distance

Brendan

It is horny. For to be a man--IS!: to horn.

FancyShark

The sand was limitless except where it reach the limit of the horizon

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Just once i wanna see a desert described as a vista of limited sand.

gellaho

Tingo wants to get his spellhands on those highbreasts

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah them highbreasts gonna be tingoing.

LyraV

Singing, riding and thrusting. As was his way.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Man's got to have some built in vibrator attachments.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

lyra you're a redhead. Dragonard or Spellhands?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Otherwise what are you even doing?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

J/k it's obviously tingo

GDC

he's got a long, strong, uh, memory

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Rob Schneider IN: Tingo All The Way

gellaho

Bel's hierarchy goes Murder Rage > Child Slaver

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Gannonblock is what they tried to do in Breath of the Wild

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Sex berserkers do have a certain direct appeal to them.

Bel is nuts tho, passing on Tingo Spellhands.

gellaho

Jeremy refuses to explain anything

LyraV

Neither but I am so utterly baffled by the Nard I'd be hanging around at least until I figured out why he keeps talking about himself in the third person.

GDC

Gannonblock is where they keep the prisoners who try to steal triforces

LyraV

Hint the answer is usually 'im an extreme narcissist'

Brendan

When did Lyra ever doubt me?

I just want people to be nice!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Dragonard is asking how the oligarchs are repressing people, having only witnessed a literal assassination just a while ago.

gellaho

Logistics!

Brendan

French colonization of II Galaxy confirmed

LyraV

I have approximately 0 doubts about your wit.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Republicans looking for quid pro quo

GDC

Space debt management!

Brendan

KNOCK IT OFF YOU FRENCH

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

POLITICAL im sorry

Brendan

Maybe they're quebecois RACHEL WHAT DID YOU DO

gellaho

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Regulators get medals for going six months without contracting VD.

FancyShark

Alpha Mu, the lovechild of Mo and Javo

FancyShark

Ouch

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I hope he used lube while fisting himself.

FancyShark

Especially with the pumping motion

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

He fisted it

He shot it up and down

In a pumping motion.

Unprecedented. Jakes described something not just twice, but three times.

gellaho

Security cylinders

FancyShark

If he describes it enough, you won't realize he's saying nothing at all

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Most authors would have just said he signalled a stop, but Jakes never uses one sentence when three will fit.

FancyShark

hahahaha

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Electrogun Pillboxes: "Men in Them?"!

The best sales pitch

gellaho

In case you were familiar with wands, but not guns

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Electrogun Pillboxes (Men In Them?) is one of my favorite ELO songs.

FancyShark

"State your business or believe in the power of magic"

GDC

Is a gun like one of those tube muzzled projectors?

gellaho

They got a great deal

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I liked Hawkwinds cover better.

FancyShark

They can detect temperature unless you're very careful

GDC

Everyone, stay cool

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Electroguns

If they dont shoot lightning im gonna be so mad

gellaho

Seems like they're working great

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It's a big pulsating telepathic land eel?

Please?

FancyShark

Jeremy, do you have ADHD? Because you just reiterated the same thought multiple ways

LyraV

The cost to whom? The taxpayers?

gellaho

Is it?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It's devilish risky, is the thing

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

My ADHD would have gotten bored of writing this way a long time ago.

FancyShark

Dragonard's only seen pillow fort sieges

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Sieges, famously not loud or anything.

gellaho

Whatever it's hiding, I guess it's hilarious

LyraV

Its clear that Dragonard has very selective hearing.

Agent of Fortune

Are we still doing Dragon Nerd?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Jeremy really likes to dra out a reveal

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"The power.........to PARRRRRRTAY!"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

This entire book should have taken place in or around Fort Starmarch

We should just be saying that all the time

gellaho

The Spellhands are very good for dental health

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fort Starmarch, Fort Sunjog, Fort Solarsprint.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Can't be any worse than the dentist I've been going to

gellaho

Oil the balls for attack!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Electric Toothbrush attachment, lending credence to my "Tingo Spellhands can make his fingers fibrade for your fingerblasting pleasure." theory.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

He got the electric toothbrush attachment, but it isn't for brushing his teeth...

Fuck scooped

GDC

armament oil sounds like a 40k thing.

That was an incredibly specific scoop.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

APPLY THE SACRED UNGUENTS! CHANT THE RITE OF OILING!

gellaho

Fear our blankets!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Rachel and i operate on similar wavelengths.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

We're kindred spirits, for better or worse (mostly worse)

GDC

I mean you just did it again

gellaho

Quickly ponderous

GDC

sounds like those guns need some armament oil

gellaho

This defense sucks shit

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahaha THREE OR FOUR SECONDS?

FancyShark

See what happens when you try to save some money on security?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Beams? Fuck you.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

They built the worst defense grid, future space planners stopped playing tower defense games apparently.

gellaho

THE BLANKETS ARE TOO POWERFUL

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

If you name your deadly laser an electrogun, you do not deserve it

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I hope the reveal is that Tingo sold them these shitty defensive systems through the black market on purpose

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also dont refer to any kind of space gun as a "wand" or having one.

LyraV

Beams and fireballs but no lightning.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Ice and lightning lasers went out of vogue in the planet wars

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

There's only one good kind of wand, and its made by Hitachi.

gellaho

I wonder

gellaho

What!? Tingo Spellhands duplicitous? No

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

even fireballs are only back "ironically"

FancyShark

Somehow this terrible, haphazard plan went wrong!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

No! Not the cylinders!

FancyShark

Man, if you can't trust a slaver...

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Oh suddenly hes a slaver again now he's betrayed you? He was an ex slaver a few pages ago.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Tingo knew this scene needed tension

gellaho

Tingo Spellhands suicide run

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hate-bloated

GDC

is he currently a slaver or not? Make up your mind, jakes.

FancyShark

So bloated, it caught the moon

gellaho

Yum, beast jelly

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Man I hate when I'm hate bloated, my farts smell like egg salad.

LyraV

'He knows what he's doing' is a hard thing to howl

gellaho

I'm not sure you can ever wash that stink off you

GDC

glutinous jelly is not celiac friendly.

FancyShark

Glutinous jelly means it has a badonk, right?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Mmm. Bread pudding beast.

Difficult to ride but awesome with syrup.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hey now. I'm not that bad in the sack.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

This man has a serious adjective problem, worst I've ever seen.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Maybe it's like glutinous rice, no actual gluten.

LyraV

Did their stupid infighting kill her beast?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Have we remembered to be mad at "halation" yet

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Was it amoré?

gellaho

John Jakes describes action as awkwardly as possible

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I sure fucking did

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

No it was Tingo

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Should have hauled on the reins.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Levering viciously"

gellaho

John Jakes tries beat poetry

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

i googled the definition just to make sure luminous was totally redundant

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It's called "rearing up" Jakes. I know you knew that, because you wrote this with a thesaurus open on your lap.

Brendan

Does anyone else feel like this dude learned to write without passive speech in between chapters?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Man I hate when the smell-screaming starts.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

You lost me at "this dude learned to write"

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Think he ever learned that sometimes passive speech has a use?

gellaho

Revenge-crazed slayer

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Not here it doesn't

Heart Flaggers sounds like a limited edition build a bear.

FancyShark

"Red and gray stuff" is what I want on my headstone

GDC

was that a typo or not?

gellaho

This is why you don't wear a harness for no reason

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

tingo is just dying cause he fucking hates you

I suppose i can admire that

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

I'm sure this entire book was formed by different writers who were tasked to write a chapter each. And the only reference they got was the previois chapter

gellaho

SPELLHANDS!!!!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Yeah Tony said the same thing at Lance's funeral

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Fun creative writing club activity but you need a second draft.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Wet as fresh glue

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Bel. This is why you carry a KNIFE. He's open as shit, you could slip seven inches of steel into his ribs and he couldnt do SHIT about it, but you decided to dress like a space barbarian and not have a knife up your sleeve or on your torso.

gellaho

As far as I can tell, she just carries the flag

Keep your time table up to date

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Just saying, Bel. You can be practical and wear a sexy barbarian outfit at the same time.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

yeah women can't use weappns

LyraV

Three with at least two hidden if you're riding with a dude named Dragonard.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

This is exactly why you need to guard your carrier when you play CTF

Chu-whuff, chu-whuff

gellaho

Dragonard becomes polygonal