89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

gellaho

Or spell it

gottem

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Ohhhh soon his face is going to melt like a demon piggy, thats what happens when you detach the camera and the game stops rendering things outside draw distance.

gellaho

Spellhands forgets to keep his eye on the prize

FancyShark

Woop!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hahaha he just fucking falls out like a dork

At least Blofeld didn't see the tree branch that got him

This guy has no excuse

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Tingo can't believe he lasted this long

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Tingo Spellhands gets a real Tucker & Dale Vs Evil death.

gellaho

Dragonard gets distracted from his duel to the death by a rock

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Spellhands just loves it when Spellhands talks about Spellhands. Fuck pronouns

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

He's a triple amputee with a knife and he took out everybody but Dragonard

gellaho

Bel having a great time

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I hope he just noscopes Tingo with that rock like Teal'c

It might make it all worth it

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

And could have just shot Dragonard in the back quite some time ago. This whole plan is kind of bad, but he's not Tingo Thinkandplanhands.

gellaho

Tingo Knifehand

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh come on. You give your character prosthetic hands and they don't even bifurcate into knives?

GDC

I hate it when my hands run out of batteries.

LyraV

Spellhands did not think this through

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

For shame, Jakes.

gellaho

Rock attack!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Cmon, Jakes, at least have him break his fingers into jagged shards on a rock like a dude in a bar with a broken bottle.

FancyShark

Guess paper doesn't cover THIS rock

gellaho

The sand is more of a threat

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Tingo really loves his work. So much hoy.

Brendan

Thank you. People don't realize this. It's like blanket objecting to opening a movie with a voiceover.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

thrown stones bounce off foreheads with a "doink" sound. True fact

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Dragonard fucking loves that rock

gellaho

Tingo Wetmouth

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Stab him with your corkscrew peg leg!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Speed of the Crazed" is an excellent name for a Motorhead tribute band.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I was just telling my son today that "said" is cool to use 90% of the time unless you really want to describe a different tone.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Mordred ejaculated

gellaho

Surprisingly, the sand throw did not stop the knife

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Should have stuck with the rock

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I've missed so much of this but still rootin' for Spellhands! 👍

LyraV

Why would you not use his first name instead of Spellhands'

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

This reads like Jakes wanted to do a Space Conan but only ever read imitation Conan.

gellaho

And back to the rock

Brendan

I'm in favor of the gutcheck rule except you have to constantly touch brainbase to ensure your gut is fine.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Are you listening to yourself?

gellaho

And here's the rage

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Soggy kind of implies Dragonards blood is semisolid and I dont like it.

LyraV

I think this one has broken me a little

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

explain this to me when im sober

LyraV

Too much Nard

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Imitation Conan is fine if you're applying heat but for something like an icing or whipped cream you really want the subtle flavor of pure Conan.

Brendan

Honestly thought Spellhands and Dragonard were bros now.

Brendan

I explain best on whiskey, and no.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

aww

gellaho

The constant murder threats do give that impression

LyraV

See and this made perfect sense to me, check in with the jury box that you keep in your brain to make sure.

Brendan

Basically: trust yourself as a subjective reader but also trust your readership through more objective authorship principles.

gellaho

So, anyway, Tingo gets fucking obliterated

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Touching brainbase is a tantric thing, Sting likes to talk about it.

Brendan

Exactly. You have to be your own audience.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Fair play, if I were being flayed to the bone and then smashed into thin paste by a warp spasm Barbarian I'd be pretty worried by that stone too

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

And so another branch of the Tingle Family is extinguished.

Brendan

"Worried"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Okay ty

gellaho

Although Dragonard is dying I guess

Brendan

No great loss for II Galaxy. Catastrophic for Homeworld.

You see, it's symbolic but Spellhands literally STABBED him in the BACK after teaming up.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Next book Tongo Magicktoes, son of Tingo Spellhands, comes for revenge.

gellaho

One last make out

FancyShark

One step above "shifted" and one step below "gnawed"

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

"Here is Spellhands!

Now No-Hands!"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A truly dignified last thought

Brendan

Kristin shows up JUST THEN

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Wait is this why im mentally ill? I misused all my peremptory challenges or someting?

Brendan

"Oh my God, I knew it."

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

So many more children will be unemployed. II Galaxy's economy needs its youths in the mines.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

that's a criminal lawyer joke because i refuse to know my audience ty

Brendan

It's legal in II Kentucky now!

gellaho

It's a bold move to try this when I have physical evidence of how much book is left

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Listen. Anything could happen

FancyShark

The rest better be a glossary

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Even Dragonard coming back to life.

Brendan

The half-life on this book is impressive.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

oh no that's so much

gellaho

Anti-knife medicine

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

The rest of the book is just a rambling dissertation on why Rock Pummeling becomes the official execution method of Il Galaxy

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahah imagine if this was legit the end of Dragonard tho and the story just carried on, like some meditation on the frailty of life and the futility of war.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Meh. The Eliminators did it better

gellaho

He beat Tingo so much it gave him brain damage

gellaho

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

His ascension to Wheel Idiot is now truly complete

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Y'all ever just kill someone so hard you die?

FancyShark

It's not that impressive, Dragonard. The ending of God of War 3 did that

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I had no idea berserker rages involved the brain at all.

gellaho

So they replaced his brain and... eyes?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Typically they don't. Bad things happen when they do, as demonstrated by dear Dragonard

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

btw, someone remind me to ask in this channel if im right in thinking i can get away with more adjectives and adverbs than normally acceptable because im using a parody-noir tone

LyraV

Fuck yeah I'm going to start calling them 'awesome silences' instead of awkward ones.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

When in berserker space barbarian rage, all oxygen and blood is shunted from the brain to your muscles. If the rage lasts to.long your brain dies

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

They're just detecting his existing brain damage and he wakes up just fine later.

Brendan

This hero can't afford brain damage.

FancyShark

Someone pawned his eyes

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

NEW BRAIN!

NEW DRAGONARD!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Dragonard spelleyes anybody?

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

"What amounts to a new brain" is sentence that is doing an uncomfortable amount of work

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I mean you have to consider what they were working with here

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

"Your new brain came from a red panda"

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

They lose his berserker rages and he's going to need a new character trait or nobody will pick him in the board game adaptation.

Brendan

"We transferred your memories to Windows 11! Now you'll exp--ERROR X00190181391321 WHEEL IDIOT RAM MAX SCRATCH REBOOT

FancyShark

Hey! He finally got brain surgery! Was that his character arc?

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

His brain is a Ship of Theseus

gellaho

Black market organs and murder get my stomach rumbling too

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

The big twist is he got Spellhands brain. Despite the trauma it was somehow much more functional tha Dragonards ever was

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Okay but to be fair, berserk knife murder and a coma DO work up an appetite.

Brendan

I ship Dragonard/theseus and Kristin/Bel

FancyShark

If I hear that the doctors are "highly competent", that means the speaker is trying to be polite

gellaho

Ewer

LyraV

Jeremy looked at Dragonard and said 'No more drugs for this guy'

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"No......Dragonard you're supposed to eat it, not punch it."

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

You never forget your Senior Prom

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Stop attacking the food. BEL GET THE FLASH CARDS!"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Pentagon war harness" is a weird way to describe BDUs but not entirely incorrect

gellaho

They replaced all his nerves? I don't think you know what that means, John Jakes

Brendan

"No patient has ever died within 30 days of their administration."

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

They also inserted microchips to increase the pain

LyraV

They lost the brain replacing technology in the ward WTF

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Total cybernetic reconstruction surgery pioneered by one Charles Boyce

FancyShark

It can't be done! But if it could, it'd be ancient!

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Shouldn't it be "ten thousand OR more?"

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"We added an implant that will pump a hormone cocktail that is basically super adrenaline and PCP into your bloodstream when you get angry or horny."

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

I'm starting to suspect Jakes didn't have an editor

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

the wars

LyraV

Did they misplace the fucking surgery blueprints I just can't it doesnt

FancyShark

New brain. Language not good yet

gellaho

Ah, the steel egg

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Usually you have to pay like 6000 caps at the New Vegas clinic for that puppy. What a steal!

Brendan

Consider plumbing.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

:SteeleYourself: 🥚

FancyShark

His gesture spoke eloquently

Brendan

Honestly? I'm openly fine with the Sun Kings dying.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Booo Kalrath? Not Fort SunSynonymRun?

FancyShark

How does Jakes keep stating the same shit over and over and then try to yadda yadda stuff?

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Have we decided how we're pronouncing II Galaxy?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I don't think I'll ever be over Jakes just calling it Galaxy 2

LyraV

Stop speaking so eloquently of my uncertainty lol

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

they actually got the technology from the Illusive Man

gellaho

Really only got the two blood rages then. Feel a little cheated

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He got an artificial brain graft

gellaho

Well, alright then

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

That's a thing that can happen

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

There's handwaving some details here and there and theres "We replaced your entire neurological system... don't worry about it"

Brendan

Unclear if humanity retained, please exhibit real penis.

FancyShark

Only a thousand? That's going to run out fast

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

this is some Get Out! Shit

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I can't wait for them to add the Organ Bank heist to Payday 2

FancyShark

It could not.

LyraV

I totally forgot about the Lords of the Exchange

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Probably be better received than the Sperm Bank DLC

gellaho

The brutality of her tits cannot be constrained by a simple tunic!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

This book is dangerously close to Warhammer 40k.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

She couldn't quite conceal her joy or her tits

gellaho

I think they have a thousand in storage

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Nah this book has too many strong female characters

Brendan

It's a character choice that Dragonard can't stop staring at chests and forming most of his attractions around that.

Definitely fits! But it's never presented objectively.

FancyShark

A scarlet color. It's called "blue"

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Her pointy boobs entered the room a few moments before her much less interesting face

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I need to give you some of the novels, they are chock a block with fun ladies.

LyraV

Her breasts cannot stop thrusting and jutting, it's hard on her clothes.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

And on Max

LyraV

You have to hire a special tailor past a certain level of breast thrust

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

First time ever someone could justifiably tell a woman to "Calm her tits"

Brendan

That's why she wears battle armor.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Amberley Veil notwithstanding im not including the novels

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Titties by Lockheed Martin.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

And Patience Kys.

Brendan

TBF, most breasts have a mind of a man's own.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

And It's hard to find a Draenic tailor, trust me

gellaho

Jeremy probably should have tried telling people this, but instead went straight to mysterious terrorism

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

You had parents?

You weren't just created from nothing?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I feel like most of this hand waving could have been laced through the rest of the book and not just barfed out here

"I'll get to it presently" is the biggest lie Jeremy has ever told

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Hi Dragonard, I'm Jeremy. My friends call me "Exposition Machine #435"

FancyShark

Storing spare organs on a barbarian world is begging for a "Legend of the Endless Food Cave" incident

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

We should all apologize to Jakes for complaining that he didn't explain things, the alternative is turning out to be worse

gellaho

Are you sure he wasn't on trial for "importing a bride?"

GDC

Pentagon's got barbarians and the military industrial complex.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

I'm sure you know that when people have real conversations someone is always barfing out the entire socioeconomic history of where they currently are and it's relevance to the current goings on

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Poor Jakes, having to build Warhams lore from scratch in one book.

gellaho

The Lord's of the Exchange only kept a small garrison in the place keeping them alive?

FancyShark

Scenes like this really drive home how patient the other characters are to listen quietly

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

real "undergrad who just found socialism" vibe

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

"Now Dragonard, you would expect all of this info to be going somewhere or leading to something. But you see, Jakes had a word minimum from the publisher and he thinks Chekhov's Gun is an episode of TOS of Star Trek"

FancyShark

The Lords of the Exchange clearly want to die

gellaho

Whoa, deep man

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Except everyone wont know because you HAVENT SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

So the foundation of this movement is anti-cyborg prejudice?

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Maybe?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I feel like you're attracting an unwanted element.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Sounds more like the rich are hogging all the sweet clone organs.

Like the rich do.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

I thought Dragonard killed Spellhands just because all berserkers/jocks have an unconscious need to destroy things named Tingo

gellaho

He believed and wanted and said so

FancyShark

Look, you give the poor spare organs, those things are just going to sit out on the lawn and get rusty

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Goddam Space Charlie Mungers out there with their unlimited wealth buying them extra kidneys.

gellaho

A typical writer would put the moment the hero joined the rebellion in dialog

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

HE dOESNT EVEN NEED FOUR.

gellaho

But John jakes knows better than to let that moment have a spotlight

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

hm

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

John Jakes is anything but typical.

Brendan

This book is both Steele authors in one cover.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Jakes is a really............unique writer.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

yknow i was joking about the socialism thing but dragonard just decided to rebel because he doesn't have universal healthcare

gellaho

"Because we have all their spare hamstrings"

Brendan

So not an American then.

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I now instantly can identify with him, except I cant go to Space Sweden and get a new brain.

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I'M SORRY

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Or Space Germany and get a new butthole.

FancyShark

"Specifically, hair transplants"

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Consider that John Jakes uses the incredibly Pornstarrific pen name of Jay Scotland at times and a lot of his writing makes more sense

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

When you think about it John Jakes is truly the great author of the millenial soul

gellaho

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Roasted

gellaho

HALLOO

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

what do i have to apologize for each time?

You'll get an IOU

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Stuff was happening. People were yelling. Bel had some fucking sweet gams

FancyShark

If she ever stops being pretty, this whole narrative will collapse

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Oh hooooo, romantic moonlight on the legs. Nice choice, Jakes.

Brendan

but what about her Mood Breasts?

gellaho

Shit, Jeremy's come down with terminal smilepox

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Currently thrusting silveredly.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

They are momentarily calm, awaiting the right time to strike at Dragonards rippling manness

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

They're definitely up the peaks

FancyShark

"But to be clear, I still was a cop until a few minutes ago"

LyraV

You know those things just change color based on body heat right?

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Dragon-NARC

LyraV

No magic involved.

FancyShark

Unless you're very careful

GDC

Nard just got told that some of those that work forces are the same that burn crosses.

gellaho

Swag-bellied Food-runner was the name of my third record

Brendan

Ho ho! Buddy, do I!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Well, sometimes there's magic ✨

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"swag bellied food runner" sounds soooo much like "Scruffy nerf herder".

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

(Call me Rachel Spellhands)

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Watch out for rocks

gellaho

gellaho

Brendan

So the tunnels are lined with crystal cylinders? Or the tunnels are crystal cylinders?

FancyShark

"Beautifully synthesized ropes of human gut"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Beautifully synthesized ropes of human gut

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

OHHHHHHH. Rocks. YEah, watch out for.......rocks. And no second thing that I didnt misread.

gellaho

EGG

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Who else immediately assumed Boobs when you saw "drifting and bobbing"

GDC

Giant spools of intestines and arteries.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Described with a clinical art appreciator's detachment akin to Hannibal Lecter

Brendan

this is a charnel house with delusions of art period

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Just buckets of tasteful guts

gellaho

I assume eggshell white