89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I think I've been to this place in Fallout 4

GDC

It's the prop department of a giallo movie.

FancyShark

Human Offal was very big in the past future in space

Brendan

Wake me up when he gets to the Boob Repository.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Suspicion nagged him. Naturally he didn't say anything.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Fuck, Nate Dawg!!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yeah because cops would never abuse the truce flare.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Raul Julia IS: Overdrawn at the Mammary Bank

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

might take a while, It's pretty high up

FancyShark

Nonsense! They're evil! And evil would never- oh wait

gellaho

Everything must be a sphere or egg

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Someone should tell Jakes ablout orbs.

Brendan

anything worth doing...

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Dragonard and Jeremy realized the angry Dwarf in front of them was not Gimli

FancyShark

I see your general build, person I am acquaintenced with

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

dragonard personally gleefully murdered people as soon as he saw thy weren't fellow regulators, so he knows theyll behave honorably to him now that he's quit

gellaho

Everything round and colorful

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Quick! Name 3 things about this person:

Umm.. short! Enjoys cloaks and his build is entirely general

FancyShark

Did not expect the villain to review the terrorism like a play

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

I'm the one known as Starfucker The Cleanser, my real name is Steve Steveson

Brendan

Blood ball

blood ball

Transistors

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yeah St. Anne, maybe dont blurt out your fuckup in front of the immortal oligarch.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

I'm the one known as Batman, my real name is Bruce Wayne.

Sorry, secret nicknames are hard

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I am Grothkar the Soulfucker, and my real name is Melvin Bernauer.

gellaho

Jeremy is a bad leader

FancyShark

I am Darren. My real name is Gary. No, I didn't know we were doing a thing.

Brendan

This is right before Peter plotted the outright murder of their enemy

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Jeremy has heard of the Trojan Horse but never really cared because it happened in I Galaxy

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

This is a trap! Thought Dragonard. If only his new brain had figured out how to transfer thoughts to speach

gellaho

Lookey who's here

gellaho

GDC

Nard wants to see how this plays out.

Brendan

People don't talk enough about how Spiderman engineered a horrific death for a dude that they only knew thus far as a general alien invader with no body count

gellaho

And I guess Dragonard still has his eyes

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Listen. Spidey knew when to stay on task.

Unlike some other Peters I could name.

gellaho

Don't know what that business of him not seeing his own eyes was before then

Brendan

As all Boomers are!

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

It's been at least 2 days since he killed someone. Dudes going through Withdrawal

FancyShark

"Hey, babe. Guess you got out of that prison where I left you. Wanna make out?"

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Brendan

Kristin is too emotional to be an undercover cop or functional adult.

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

They haven't told.me if my cock works with the new wiring

gellaho

(I don't believe you, Dragonard)

FancyShark

ewwww

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh god, his everything burst too hard, he's lubricating right in front of them

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I mean,

FancyShark

Later

LyraV

Was distracted by math what did I miss?

Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes

Jeremy "wigwagged" his arms...

gellaho

Well advanced

gellaho

Advanced Nighting 101

Brendan

He thought he was beating the genie when he wished to retain his real human penis, but never said it had to remain neurologically integrated.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Deploying "Camaraderie" this late in the game is just actively calling your audience a dipshit

Brendan

TWO DAYS

FancyShark

hahaha, basic bitch terrorists can't afford a decent flute

GDC

Mishubi can't deal with this music sober.

FancyShark

SHE WAS A WAITRESS

Brendan

Bel is RIGHT THERE you rage-goof

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Why......would you preprocess meat but leave it in joints?!

GDC

With her towering breasts

Brendan

Blonde crybaby vs redhead warrior, fuck yo dilemma

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

You're taking this space fantasy TOO FAR JAKES!

FancyShark

If Bel pulls Kristin's spine out and cuts Mishubi in half with it, Dragonard might think she's cute

gellaho

And Kristin's back to her weird performance art stripping

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It gives the cannabis a nice smoky flavor

gellaho

Oh wow

I'm going to have to go back a bit to explain this

LyraV

THANK YOU the horror of it

FancyShark

holy shit, the book derailed gellaho

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

...wings?

Brendan

do the male narcs have to dance for the emperor too or

gellaho

So, St. Anne got blasted and is waving a knife around

FancyShark

Goofus and Gallant: A Space Opera

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

As one does

LyraV

Oh my let me get out my monocle and my dress dagger.

GDC

The space cop captain gets wasted and stabs the immortal lich god.

gellaho

So, you know. This happens

LyraV

No offense @FancyShark I very much appreciate your brand of fancy.

Brendan

This dude rules an entire Galaxy and his bodyguards just let a drunk with a knife flail within arm's length.

FancyShark

None taken. Jakes can't pull it off

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

the locked tomb series is pretty good

FancyShark

Again, they have to be eager for death. It's the only way it makes sense.

gellaho

Oh, what, I was stabbed?

GDC

Nothing kills the mood like stabbing the entertainment.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Knife based stripping accidents are so sad, this is why you dont let your bros drink too much at barbarian feasts and keep their knives.

Brendan

Good thing she's on a planet of auxiliary spleens

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

h$mbone would have loved this joke, shame she's not lurking as usual

Brendan

see? too emotional

FancyShark

Bad news: They're male spleens. She's doomed.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I feel like we really slept on Dragonard howl-raging to his feet to warn Kristin

gellaho

Time to replace all her organs

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

They'll have to hook her up to a live star beast to filter her blood while they grow a custom spleen.

Brendan

Hard for her to differentiate from all the other howling and raging he's doing

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

well it is a full moon out

Sorry, a full technomoon

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Dragonard will have already folded St Anne like a steel chair by the end of this paragraph

FancyShark

Jakes is perving over a stab victim

gellaho

Dragonard wanted one of those hot doctors like on the TV

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Regular day at Big Eds Titty Hut on I95.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

the locked tomb series is pretty good

FancyShark

That durn Skeeter can't hold hisself steady when he gets that whiskey in 'im. Best you get the stabbing utensils away.

gellaho

That's easier than a mattress, sure

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also shes being a real space baby about being stabbed. Like sew that girl up and she can get back to dancing.

FancyShark

Jakes, now is not the time for sci-fi whimsy. A woman is dying.

FancyShark

Ahh, bachelor parties

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

If she doesnt hurry up she wont get paid for her set.

LyraV

Hey let me spend another eighteen paragraphs describing this futuristic space hose.

gellaho

I guess the magic medical foam had never met fluids before

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

This is a classic example of why adult entertainers should unionize.

LyraV

Wait damn it I just summed up a bunch of fanfic nevermind.

FancyShark

Whirling dials are the most important part of stab surgery

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Listen, mine's not that bad

I don't know what the rest of those rubes are doing though

LyraV

If they whirl the dials fast enough maybe Dragonard will love her and turn into a real being.

gellaho

Dragonard is very familiar with most intestinal layouts

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Reverse the polarity of her neutron flow. Problem solved

GDC

These are not the intestinal hills I know.

FancyShark

Dragonard considers mentioning his collection before thinking better of it

LyraV

I mean just replace her brain right we've got the technology they lost back in 'the wars'

gellaho

It's amazing the Heart Flag has survived the long

FancyShark

wait, did he hear himself have an idea?

LyraV

The Nard hears all.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Let the man have his sword, he's earned it

LyraV

My autocorrect knows now to capitalize Nard out of respect to the Dragonard lineage I'm sure.

gellaho

This seems like a bad system

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Telling that as soon as dragonard joins them they become completely incompetent

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I still get corrected to Prito and he only showed up in one book since I got here

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Singlehandedly bringing down the collective IQ

gellaho

Their leader did get captured going out for supplies

II Galaxy is mostly incompetence

FancyShark

Grocery runs are fraught with peril

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Aw god, it really is The Outer Worlds.

gellaho

BTW that is why Jeremy was in that prison. That wasn't like a scheme to get Dragonard or anything

Brendan

Narrative drama will attend world-building and LIKE it.

gellaho

Keep the intestines soaked in pepto bismol. Smart.

FancyShark

Noooo! Narrative drama doesn't WANNA!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

me neither at this point

FancyShark

Pepto really can solve any stomach upset!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yeah because you'd never need a second set of backup organs, right?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Again: we could have seen how the organ bank works in a more organic way than an infodumping

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It makes total sense to just keep ONE that will work.

gellaho

Classic drunk stab infiltration technique

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

the third act is a terrible time for a huge clump of worldbuilding

FancyShark

It's the warranty that's the real gamble

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

You could have saved her Mister Police. I gave you all the cyberclues

gellaho

Horrifying jollity

gellaho

(Please ignore Dragonards complete deference to the Lords for most of the book)

LyraV

Pale and thoroughly sober are a terrible combination (I'm speaking from experience).

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Tychohama

FancyShark

I love how every villain becomes Snidely Whiplash when they have a gun and a hostage

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

So much for your fancy, Policeman

Great catchphrase

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

trust her she's ginger

gellaho

I don't know what you are talking about

GDC

If only nard had voiced his concerns at literally any point.

FancyShark

Damned new brain

gellaho

Such staggering complexity

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

His new brain makes him repeat the gist of what people says as a question.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Nanotechnology, huh?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A trick AND a lie!

Double duplicity point!

LyraV

It could be 'Movies set to Arm' and make just as much sense.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I see a flaw in this brilliant plan.

FancyShark

"Hrrrm...a question?"

hahaha, scooped

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Because Mishubi is now in close quarters with a huge maybe former berserker.

FancyShark

I love that their plan involved "drunk stabbing woman and hopefully they know where the organ bank is"

gellaho

The classic phrase: "there go the fish into the gravtubes"

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also "We think just because she betrayed them a little they'll still give a shit about her life."

Brendan

Lord I am confused.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

sure, the famous athelete special

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I smelled a trick, but said nothing, which is lucky because you were also saying nothing

FancyShark

I can't believe this book has sequels

GDC

Jeremy was right not to trust nard.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"It's almost like this was pulled out of some cosmically powerful narrators ass, its such a coincidence."

FancyShark

"Fish into the gravtube" sounds like a euphemism for something your grandpa complains about

Brendan

So the galactic emperor who was at war with Dragonard and Jeremy on two fronts...

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also Jeremy why was this place not guarded heavily? None of this would have worked if you had better security.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

What are you talking about, I could watch this author trainwreck himself against his typewriter forever

Brendan

feigned his own accidental stabbing

gellaho

You're just like Dragonard!

LyraV

Thank you! I couldn't put my finger on it but that's it

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

All accordng to keikachu

Brendan

to "accidentally" stab a waitress/cop Dragonard liked

so he could order her brought to the organ banks

which he could not access himself.

but then he swept in

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It's a great plan!

Brendan

with sober St. Thanne

gellaho

He stabbed someone so they could secretly infiltrate the organ farm

Brendan

and Jeremy was on one side or the other

Right but HE ordered the organ farm opened to save her

FancyShark

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds stupid

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Its a classic plan, like when that guy hid a dagger in a fish to murder Qin Shihuangdi. And equally not going to work, but points for gumption.

gellaho

It's a very complicated two step plan

Anyway, Kristin's dead

Brendan

I hope Bel no longer wants you, you dumb pud.

FancyShark

See, Nard? THIS IS WHY YOU TIP 20%

gellaho

At least she got it better than that uggo doctor

Brendan

Blonde but not forgotten.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

it's a shame djonin isn't lurking, he could have told me about why this joke sucks

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Bel is back in the game!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Oh noooo, that girl cop stripper. Noooo, such a loss to the story. Emotion.

Brendan

Are you sure the headless one is dead?

Or is he just waiting for his brain transplant?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Ah fuck i just lost power

LyraV

Nah he just brutally thinks she's hot his true love Kristin is always Just out of reach. It's the 'starship troopers' paradox.

gellaho

He's bearded! Get him!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Frog blast the vent core! Reroute shields!

FancyShark

GDC

Wait, is frowsy a word?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Everything is a word if you can make it mean something.

gellaho

Dragonard now has a more complex, richer rage

FancyShark

It is, but I choose to believe it means "Alternate evolution of Drowzee"

GDC

So in this case, no.

gellaho

A full-bodied anger

LyraV

Every panel of this comic is so epic.

FancyShark

Ohhh, so he's got Valor now

LyraV

Weather?

gellaho

Yeeeeeeeesssssssssssss

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Alright my reception sucks so illbe spotty

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

FancyShark

Jeez. Really showering in the viscera, Nard

gellaho

A puzzle-maze

FancyShark

I legit want to see how Jakes writes a grocery list

Brendan

Not a metaphor in sight, nope.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Jakes. The fuck do you think constitutes a non-puzzle maze?

FancyShark

A hallway

gellaho

It's amazing how much play this fucking trumpet gets

Brendan

BLUTKKAKE

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Call the Puzzmong, he'll help you right out

LyraV

Dragonard is with you in spirit

FancyShark

That's it. Pack it up. Brendan wins.

gellaho

By the tens and fifties

Brendan

heads ran with drips of blood OOP he's back

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Nobody "scrambles" up a knitted rope

Brendan

This book is the rare case of passive-aggressive speech.

FancyShark

Jakes is so bad at this that I'm starting to doubt the meaning of words entirely

Brendan

I'm old enough to remember when bukkake was a term only a few people on the internet knew and used to scandalize novitiates.

GDC

If this was a better author I would say that a base 50 counting style would be good world building.

Brendan

Do you know what I would give to return to that world?

FancyShark

Not the "I feel old" speech I would have expected

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Ooh me too!

Brendan

6 billion people, hope was in the air, no two-step verifications needed.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I was nine but im sure that sort of thing had no effect on my development

Brendan

Base 60 is where it's at.

gellaho

I wonder which of the fifty cylindrical objects Jakes has described this is

gellaho

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

now excuse me i have to make more jokes about how im a huge slut

Brendan

1 2 3 4 5 6 12 15 20 30, clearly the best base

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

According to the Epic of Gilgamesh, sluts are holy and the font of civilization.

gellaho

Nope, it's a new one

GDC

I think that's what they did in Babylon.

gellaho

Thanks, John!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

bitch i know i am

Brendan

So are these boom tubes or trammel ca--oh, something in the middle.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Thank you for civilizing the man-beasts the gods send to mess with us.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh my god JC a portable bombdrill

Brendan

And look how well that turned out!

FancyShark

Portable bombdrill AKA a grenade launcher

Brendan

Everyone knows you have a heart of gold though.

GDC

They got some sweet gardens out of it at least.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Booo, mole mine was right there Jake.