89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

Brendan

I'll give him this: he can craft a title half the time.

FancyShark

HAHAHA

LyraV

Dragonard has imprinted himself onto my brain now.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He did a stage adaptation of A Christmas Carol.

Nice.

Brendan

"By my troth!" came the words uttered from the mouth of Brendan. "Merely half!" He glowered, wishing he weren't burdened by love.

FancyShark

Passive Voice Christmas Carol must be so tedious

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Of course an inferior one, but everything that is not A Muppet Christmas Carol is not the best.

Brendan

The Ghost of Christmas Future Imperfect

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Shit, I might see about finding some of these books for my own pleasure if the rest of them are like this.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

This is transcendental literature. Thank you so much gellaho

gellaho

Come back next week for exciting conclusion to the 89th Edition of The Book Cage

Brendan

Gellaho, I won't say thank you, but I will express my awe and admiration

FancyShark

Thank you again, @gellaho !

Brendan

...probably in ten times as many words as possible.

FancyShark

Outstanding riffing, everyone!

LyraV

Yeah that was a trip I loved it

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I'm so glad it wasn't a fluke.

I don't know how I could have gone on if I had been disappointed by Maxmillion Dragonard.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Such a joy everybody!

FancyShark

Have a great night, hotdoggers. See you tomorrow for more Strongest Man and Martials Arts!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

What a book! What a team! What a 2023!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Too bad i fell off at the end but it's a credit to all of you that i lasted that long

Thanks again gellaho!

Brendan

No MVP tonight. The spirit of Rex Moran carried us all through this angry varlet's passive adventures.

AS A FAMILY

👽 lvl. 16 meat atrocity Mo

yeah I used to stick around for the start and then peter out, got into an appreciation day off of it tho!

* STOLEN VALOR *

jakesy, weightroom hazard

I mean same, but still good work everyone

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I look forward to reading the parts I missed in the archive.

(no rush, gellaho)

GDC

This was a frustrating trip with a terrible author. Thank you all for suffering through this.

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 89.5 - When the Star Kings Die Part 2

Guess who's back? Maximillian Dragonard and his merry friend Jeremy Lynx are still in prison, but Maxdragon must find the Heart Flag! And he must get vengeance upon the devious Lord of the Exchange Mishubi II and St. Anne on Pentagon. All these names are real! And what of Tingo Spellhands? We'll find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, when we complete John Jakes' seminal masterpiece When the Star Kings Die.

gellaho

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

YESSSSSSS

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

God I hope Tingo Spellhands returns

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

DRAGONARD! 🎸

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's When the Star Kings Die Part 2. In lieu of a preview, here's half of the next page.

FancyShark

For once, Dragonard, we are in agreement

Brendan

Buddy, I am PRIMED for this.

gellaho

Time to resume the process

FancyShark

hahaha

the cracks on the cover after one read

This book is fighting back

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

We haven't even gotten fucking close to giant hand fight

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I think it's just dying under the strain of containing Dragonard

It can only hold his katra for so long before the vessel gives out entirely

LyraV

Did I miss the Nard?!

FancyShark

We're just getting narded!

Brendan

Baby, we waited for you to Nard.

Damn, scooped AND by the better version.

gellaho

Kristin's face is very beautiful, but very sharp

GDC

I'm gonna Nard so hard.

Brendan

If your lady hasn't come by midnight, pack it in.

Also, midnight is meaningless. It could be midnight twice an hour on this planet.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Painfully lovely" means her chin is digging into a nerve cluster.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A chin you could cut Arctic ice shelves on

GDC

At midnight she turns back into a cabbage

Brendan

I do like that three moons gets you moonglare.

FancyShark

If she gets wet, though, she multiplies. Which carries pros and cons

LyraV

The way it's phrased implies to me that he somehow shoved her face under his eyelids in a painful fashion.

gellaho

It is 56 years old. Should I be taking better care of it? Probably

FancyShark

"I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep."

"Aww, that's so-"

SKLRRRTCH

gellaho

We get a good look at Jeremy's ankle. He restates the time then answers a question no one asked

GDC

Say what you will about the star kings, at least they made the winds run on time

gellaho

Like, I have no idea what that "no" is in response to

Brendan

Painfully lovely is that Brian Posehn bit about a woman so hot it makes you angry.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Jeremy Lynx: Grimy-Ankled Cyberpsychic

Also why'd you get up and look at the moon before you said that, you fucking dork

Brendan

Jerelynx Grimm: Emo-psyche Manacles

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Were you just really jonesing for someone to ask about your internal chronometer

Brendan

My people have moon-tracking abilities.

gellaho

Jeremy gives his thoughts on women

FancyShark

Penises are the mark of honesty

GDC

doubt is teething

gellaho

He'd 've

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Of course a cyborg would think that. It's where they keep their human souls

Brendan

Who was it that said "Old sci-fi is amazing because it's like 'Mankind has become sentient dustclouds on Crystallax IV, the women served methane tea"

FancyShark

Hence this merit badge design that I think they were wrong to turn down

gellaho

8 Mile

LyraV

Old sweat palms

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Dragonard's post was rejected from r/sweatypalms for being too low effort

FancyShark

Old Clammy Clappers

gellaho

The moon-face of a warrior

FancyShark

"A warrior...hard..."

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I love hearing about how Dragonard's plucky young friend is getting hard. More please

Brendan

I am chuckling without end.

Just a nice, coasting HEHEHEHEHEH

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Tbh I had no idea if that would land so thank you

gellaho

A sound like someone ripping one in the night

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Ah, we've all been there

Brendan

Jeremy's starting to sound like a Moclan

FancyShark

I guess it was a bad review

LyraV

I hate when Thud slams the Night, it's rude and seems unnecessary.

gellaho

Definitely not something a boy would do

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

We've all gambled on Taco Bell and lost at some time or another

LyraV

STAND on his shoulders

Brendan

Dragonard mused to himself it must have sounded like what Homeworld called farting, before nano-engineering created bacteria to remove such inefficiencies.

gellaho

"Bitterly, he gave Jeremy upsies"

FancyShark

Knocking Jeremy's ass on the ground

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

So did he just leave Jeremy to eat shit or is he still stacked on top

GDC

it's like they did a trust fall but Nard got distracted halfway through

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Jeremy just dangling from the bars of the window.

Brendan

Dragonard's lumbar groaned

gellaho

Jeremy out here trying to make sure someone notices their escape attempt

gellaho

Brendan

"Yeah, I've got the lock, big boy. You got the key?"

LyraV

Which anyone whose known Dragonard more than ten seconds would suspect he might do while monologuing about it in the third person.

FancyShark

"I know you and the boy companion got a whole narrative about your failure of an escape attempt while I had to summarize mine in a paragraph, but hopefully the readers won't notice"

gellaho

Jeremy is not interested in helping the other prisoners

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The prisoners cried, but in more of a growly or a song-y way than what you're imagining

gellaho

So much so that he's willing to beat them with his... teeth?

FancyShark

Jeremy just laying out senior citizens with every sweep of the arm

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He bit them with his hands too

GDC

he bites like a pro

FancyShark

"Biting back" isn't really something one does to another person

gellaho

He blended about five different metaphors there

FancyShark

It's more like a metaphorical way of saying you-

wait, he's gone

GDC

In this future, bite-fighting is a massively popular spectator sport

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A choppy, gritty puree of simile

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It depends on where they bit you.

gellaho

Announcing my new book Metaphor Blender, the unauthorized sequel to Time Blender

LyraV

I like the think he's just biting at the air in an intimidating manner

gellaho

Be sure to keep your sidekicks out of the slop-runnel

FancyShark

Does it need to be rusting? Tetanus isn't vital to this story, is it?

Brendan

Oooh, hysterical. That's gotta sting for a misogynist.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The Slop-runnel, the thinking man's Taco Bell

gellaho

Farewell time to Kristin who they're leaving here for... reasons

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Abandoning a woman in a slop-runnel to the tender mercies of a prisoner mob. Our heroes

LyraV

Kristin who he has been hate fucking in his mind right? Am I supposed to remember them as being romantic

I really don't

I thought he kinda hated her

gellaho

Jesus, John Jakes' hold on the English language grows ever more tenuous

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

They're at least as romantic as any dude protagonist and any woman side character ever were in novels from this time period, which is a bar so low you could step over it

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Blackness wont be the only thing swallowing the two of them, heyoooooooooooooooo.

By which I mean I hope they get eaten by a gribbly.

gellaho

That second sentence is just, so so very bad

LyraV

My inner self took a deep sigh even as I asked...like it knew

gellaho

She's cried about deceiving him like 15 times, but I skipped most of them because they were largely the same

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

On a technical level it's an awful sentence, which is what makes it perfect

Brendan

Exposed as a woman! The guards will know this breakout lacks resolve.

gellaho

Dragonard's OCD is getting worse as he hears - no wait - doesn't hear the bombardment

gellaho

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

To be fair it only muffled the sound, it didn't block it entirely

LyraV

Okay this I understand, I count steps.

It keeps me from falling down them I have an actual reason.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Still a wild way to construct that imagery

LyraV

It's an unacceptable way to distribute those sentence endings.

gellaho

Dragonard faces his greatest challenge yet: an old lantern

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Thumb-ball

A distant cousin of the Ballchinnians

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahah his lame ass fingers are weaker than a rusty old lantern switch.

LyraV

He can just grunt we don't need to hear about his teeth biting things together.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

So he STRIKES

🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺

Like Thummmmmmb-der Ballllllll

gellaho

I do not understand this sonic bombard

gellaho

Obviously the airlift mechanism is faulty

Because I definitely know how this thing is supposed to behave

LyraV

I saw three of Cletus the slack jawed yokel riding an electric bull with a needler strapped to the front of it.

It's all fuzz after that.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

You definitely want to ride a crew served artillery piece like a mechanical bull in the course of normal operation

GDC

I think it's supposed to be like a hovercraft?

But a shitty one

Brendan

hovercraft, but still touching.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It's broken in a way that turns it into a fun carnival ride, which is a fault every military is looking for when it comes to choosing their munitions

gellaho

So I guess Jeremy is in league with the Heart Flag? Maybe I missed that last time

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Sure Jakes, why wouldn't he be

gellaho

The most laborious description of a grappling hook

GDC

tube-muzzled discharger is such an awkward word for gun

LyraV

It sounds more like an old ship cannon

gellaho

You know, how stone does

Brendan

CONGO universe confirmed

FancyShark

Wait, wasn't Jeremy promising to take Dragonard to the Heart Flag if he helped him escape?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

what's the Tingo Spellhands count at so far?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

A disappointing zero.

gellaho

Dragonard from downtown

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Fuck that there better be three clones of him running around by the endof this

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Dragonard makin some bacon.

gellaho

I guess I assumed that just meant he knew where they were

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

What's the plot so far?

gellaho

Just like the first half, started with a prison break

Just as I didn't plan it

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

incredible

gellaho

DRAGONARD STRUCK

the sand

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

He hates sand. It's so coarse and irritating. And it gets everywhere.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Like the butthole. Or his Dragonards.

gellaho

Jeremy sucks at the bugle

Brendan

Skull-bone: not technically wrong, but very indicative of this book's ongoing problems

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He thought he detected it but it turned out to be nothing

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

a metal trumpet, as opposed to...?

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

Jazz trumpet

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

A plastic one, like a military kazoo.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also lol the militarized space cops have to use bugle signals?

And not like......radios?

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

Electronic trumpet is pretty great but skull trumpet is best

LyraV

I am constantly forgetting they're in the future

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

They got lucky and escaped while the dress parade unit was on duty

gellaho

✅ Redhead

gellaho

✅ staff-butt

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I mean redheads are the most attractive of all white women, we know this.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Her breasts were smoking that sticky icky full time

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

How high are the breasts

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

6'5

LyraV

All the way up next to the staff butt.

GDC

Hair: Red

Thighs: White

Breasts: High

Butt: Staff

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Pothead Polly's breasts were SOOOOO high—

HOW HIGH WERE THEY?!?!

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

It'll do

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Aw yeah, Staff butt. I like my butts like i like my bludgeons, six feet long and thick as a babys arm.

gellaho

Must be hard to ride a star beast with an erection

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Ironically depending on what kind of star beast it might get easier.

LyraV

Look I have at least one picture in battle gear with a short sword so I can't poke too much fun at this.

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

Red hair, curious but hostile stare

We sure this ain't a cat?

gellaho

Her karate yell angers Dragonard

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

sounds like a good valentine's day present to rachel jsyk

FancyShark

Wait, is she crying or laughing?

Jakes?

JAKES?

gellaho

Known for their high breasts

GDC

She sounds like she pulled a muscle mid-kick.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Hiyaaagh is a well known cry of laughter

gellaho

Jeremy must hate that

LyraV

Refers to her staff butt as staff derriere (poetry)

GDC

Is it just me is the perspective jumping randomly from character to character?

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

It's the only noise you can make when your breasts are so high

gellaho

Clearly, much intel was gained

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

This is just Rambo 3

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I mean the band is good but it's the fanbase you really gotta watch out for

Brendan

Paradise lost, I'm telling you.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yes because yelling and riding in formation is peak military, as we all know as veteran sci fi readers.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

That's Jakes

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

He's making friends with the mujahideen through goat heads

gellaho

John Jakes really likes splitting things in half just so he can repeat them

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

The Afghan Puppet Show.

FancyShark

Real! Time! Traveling!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The rickets took hold.

Brendan

Dragonard is saddle-sore.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He should stop chewing on the saddle, that leather is that hard for a reason.

FancyShark

Teeth and bones which teeth also are

Brendan

Wine-dark hair is either purple or blue depending on whether you're Homer.

Which, PS I don't buy.

It's inductive.

gellaho

Just the most brutal tits

Brendan

I have known a brutal breast or four.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I know two quite well

gellaho

It took another hour and twenty minutes. That's real

Brendan

This book is so manly/horny.

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

"I'm silently raging!" - every horny

gellaho

Bel Lynx it is

FancyShark

"No, seriously, what's his name?"

Brendan

What kind of dumbass grabs a california blonde when Grace Jones is RIGHT THERE ready to kill you?

gellaho

Jeremy's joke(?) does not land

Brendan

God, just murder me dead and also be Grace Jones.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahah space parents name their kids like this because there's no longer Homeworld laws to keep you from naming your son Robocop Rambo Dragonfucker.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Fuckin' airrrr balllll, Jeremy

GDC

"He was too emotionally unstable to be a cop, but I think we can trust him"

FancyShark

Jeremy's routine killed at the John Jakes Kitchen

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Bugle based comedy went out of style six thousand years ago, Jeremy.

gellaho

But this joke killed

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

And yet, jeremy

Brendan

Rebel Timecop Reiley will lead us from Homeworld, mark me on this.

gellaho

Double twist

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Paul Atreides

FancyShark

"Not THE Methuselah. My parents were just nerds."

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Paul is a man's name. Jeremy is the name of a kid who eats paint chips.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Just once I wanna see someone with blue eyes described as having bad ones. Like maybe squinty and cataracted.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

No offense jeremys

gellaho

The riddle of Jeremy

FancyShark

Dragonard means "He who is puzzled by baby names"

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It would help if he knew his surname was Shaq. Methuselah Shaq. Meth Shaq for short.

Brendan

The only Jeremy of my acquaintance lost a tooth at a Bosstones concert and then another guy came up to him to ask, "Did you lose a tooth? It's lodged in this guy's skull."

gellaho

Dragonard has been fully erect for at least three and a half hours

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

shudder

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Criminous"?!

FUCK YOU BOOK!

Brendan

Just forgot all about Kristin and also don't blame him.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Merry Criminous

gellaho

The Pennon of the Command Egg

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

More Egg Council propaganda.