91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes

#2 Dragonard

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Which would decide the fate of Galaxy II - sorcery or science? Or, Magus Blacklaw - a false wizard trying to perform a miracle.

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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 91 - The Planet Wizard
Johnathon Jacobs is back at it again in II Galaxy. This time our main character is Magus Blacklaw, fake wizard extraordinaire. He and his daughter are on the run from angry bailiffs on the planet Pastora. What does all this have to do with Maximillian Dragonard and the Heart Flag army? I guess we'll just have to find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Fuck yes! Fuck yes!!
If this book had just been called Planet Wizard even better. But still!
gellaho
Somehow this is the first book I've gotten that smells like cigarettes
But, it is much better than the original cover
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Tbh the original cover kinda fucks
Podcast Reference Thrillho
I can't even tell where he is. The ocean?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The cosmic mists
gellaho
Also, the smallest font I've seen. So small that second one is 80 pages longer
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Also hard confirmation that it's Galaxy 2
Ninja Grid Javo
Hello, my name is reginald mccloak and I hope you like my fuck lizard
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
That lady does not look upset to be on the fuck lizard.
gellaho
You probably would need to actually go dumber with the fake name
The first book had names such as Jeremy Lynx, Maximillian Dragonard, and Tingo Spellhands
Ninja Grid Javo
I hope Tingo Spellhands didnt know magic
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He didn't, his fingertips were just LEDs
Also he trafficked child slaves but don't worry so much about that, the book sure didn't
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Otherwise he seemed pretty cool.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Pobody's nerfect
gellaho
Little under an hour until The Planet Wizard. Two copies, two previews. Are either helpful? Absolutely not
gellaho
FancyShark
Not since Joe Hardy has a skull survived so much trauma
Ozzie
I don't know why you would type "myriads of inhabitants" instead of "myriad inhabitants" unless you were really desperate for a word count.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I can't wait for the Lords of The Exchange to only figure into the plot in like the last quarter of the book again
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
I might actually get to participate at least until I have to make dinner, as I'm currently being a pillow for a sick kiddo.
gellaho
I've only looked at the first thirty pages, but dudes are taking a lot of shots in this
I also have no idea how I'm not going to share every single word of the first thirty pages
FancyShark
Do it. We can break this into a multi-part read again
gellaho
It is somehow both better written, but with more typos and bizarre word choices
The action is clearer though, which is nice
gellaho
Once more unto the Jakes
FancyShark
"Do I have something on my face?"
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The ducking stool took a turn once they ran out of wood in Galaxy 2.
gellaho
Hilariously the cover art to the 1969 edition was done by Jeff Jones
Agent of SVVERVED
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
gellaho
Jeff Jones and John Jakes
Agent of SVVERVED
Geoff Johns?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
J'onn J'onzz?
FancyShark
Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was unavailable
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jon Jollheim
GDC
Jacob Jotenheim
gellaho
Glittering Technologic Webwork
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Home 1 and 2 Galaxy. We really ran out of passable place names
Agent of SVVERVED
i zoned out halfway through the first sentence
FancyShark
Folk-memory is like volatile memory, but it has all these boring stories about how inexpensive things used to be
gellaho
Suck that power, baby
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I could believe splitting and burning it, but wracking it too!?!
How could they ever recover
GDC
that just seems excessive
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It cut the planet wars short by five years and saved thousands of lives
gellaho
So, here's where the band aid gets ripped off
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Team Threem til I die baybeeee
gellaho
We are two generations in the future, and multiple nuclear holocausts
FancyShark
ðŸĪŒ
gellaho
So, the ending of that last book where Maximillian Dragonard rode off with the reduced forces of the Heart Flag?
FancyShark
Just a sumptuous banquet of names we don't need
gellaho
Forget all that
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"If you get rid of capitalist kleptocracy the galaxy will descend into barbarous anarchy!!", wailed Jake Johns at his typewriter, confident overwrought exposition would do the work of nuance
gellaho
We are now on a fake farm planet
gellaho
The Prime Managers are dead, long live the mystics
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Old Dragonard had a farm, E I E I O
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
can you have a flyover planet?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Sure you can. We're on one right now.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
Earth is the Midwest of the galaxy? That does explain all the corn
gellaho
You know how you'd name a planet of demons Lightmark
Agent of SVVERVED
lotta quality keyboard smash names
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Demon-fear and demon-hate are my strongest emotions
FancyShark
MULTIPLE holocausts. Because I guess they were on a roll
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The men in monks' robes, is the thing
FancyShark
Such simple monks
gellaho
Cue Star Wars theme
FancyShark
His face, name and history are all "Wait"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
So Dragonard got to sire his own house and we don't even get to see it?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Magus Blacklaw
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
How very Conan of him.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
You gotta give it to him, he picks fantastic names.
gellaho
We join The Adventures of Magus Blacklaw, already in progress
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Blacklaw, Blacklaw, & Dragonard, attorneys at starlaw
Agent of SVVERVED
i saw it
from the window
FancyShark
Weird sentence. It reads like his hair is powdering his boots
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Uncoughable smoke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Weirdly I think that's the intended reading
gellaho
Meccanodogs
FancyShark
Woofbots was right there
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Nice to see Boston Dynamics makes it into 2 Galaxy
GDC
Cloppa-drum is a terrible onomatopoeia.
FancyShark
I'm hoping it's an instrument
Agent of SVVERVED
snickersnack snickersnack
gellaho
I'm feeling a leisurely death hunt today, fellows
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
About every fourth noun is scified up at my estimation
FancyShark
Time for a spot of bloodsport, eh wot
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Cyberestimation*
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
As it should be
FancyShark
"The scent of quarry" literally means rocks in this case
Ozzie
If you're just going to say that they're blue-metal dog-shaped machines then why did we even see the word meccanodogs?
gellaho
Maya is my favorite, her characterization is so wildly inconsistent
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
So he doesn't have to type all that shit out every time they come up. It's a classic sci fi trick
gellaho
You know, fever trees
Agent of SVVERVED
Rule of cool
FancyShark
"Dad, can you do this musing when we're not being hunted for sport?"
Agent of SVVERVED
Oh Fever Tree ginger beer is good
FancyShark
The Giving Tree caught a bad flu
GDC
I think they do tonic water too? Makes for a good G&T.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The trees have fevers? Someone get them some willow bark to chew
FancyShark
Don't tell them where it came from
gellaho
✅ Redhead
Agent of SVVERVED
Yeah, they make good mix-ins
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Well he better not give it to me!
Agent of SVVERVED
Like the potato?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
I'm living at the intersection of Fever Tree and Giving Tree because I'm pretty sure giving my kid comfort is going to lead to getting his fever.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
You gotta have a badass redheaded lady or what's the point of anything?
In fact, @LyraV get your ass in here
FancyShark
Having time to curse before trying to catch someon-
oh wait, he missed
gellaho
All a-sprawl
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Right? They're not very russet at all, really.
No wonder she died in childbirth, her baby snatched her face.
FancyShark
Skirts make me angry too. They don't seem very warm
gellaho
Magus Blacklaw here replaced by robo-dad
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
he cant harden his heart enough? Try trans fats
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Don't talk about your daughter being all a-sprawl, book.
LyraV
Just those paragraphs made me sigh in a troubling fashion
Ozzie
"Moistening the yellow dust" is the third filthiest thing I've done in bed and/or a police station.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Wow burn on her looks
Thanks, dad
FancyShark
Slumping is the best way to admit something
gellaho
Then Magus starts to argue with himself about burgers
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Poor dude's got Disco Elysium syndrome
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Butter basted burgers, I bet.
LyraV
See the numbers I last heard were that redheads are like 1/50 in the US for the most part. Yet they inhabit every fictional universe at a 1/3 ratio.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He has a bunch of voices inside - scooped
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Mecca, no dogs
FancyShark
True magic is javascript?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
gellaho
I AM THE WENCHER TRENCHER EXTRAORDINARY
Ozzie
Sometimes we make the worlds we wish we lived in.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
True magic requires spellhands
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
TRENCHERMAN!
TRENCHER!
TRENCHERMAN!
TRENCHER!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Isn't a trencherman someone who eats a lot or something?
FancyShark
Oh Trencherman
Where you going to
Trencherman
Where you gonna run to
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
I fuck, I eat, and I wave a sword around
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
WHENEVER THERE'S A FOOD
IT'S GONNA BE CONSUMED
THEY ALL BETTER BEWARE
CUZ THE TRENCHERMAN WILL BE THERE
gellaho
You know how your scissors sound right after you sharpen them? That very common experience
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Like really, a trencherman of note?
LyraV
You were the editor this book needed.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
People talk about how this fat fuck can hork it down.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Like Mr. Creosote
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
and razor sharp scissors...clack?
FancyShark
This author has had some weird experiences
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
They don't clack, they shing
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
railroad spike again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
They snicker-snack, even
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
If they're clacking you are sharpening tongs.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Clack is the sound high heels make
gellaho
So, imagine you are the pious bag of starch, what do you imagine these experiences to be?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Against the ground, but not against flesh.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Sadly
GDC
This author is just throwing idioms at the wall and hoping something sticks
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He really does have that Inland Empire going on, you guys weren't kidding.
Ozzie
For all I know at this point, one of the voices in his head is actually a bag of starch.
FancyShark
If this wasn't written so long ago, I'd swear he was trying to fuck with Clippy
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Stop filling your trencher with russet potatoes, maybe.
gellaho
If you guessed busty widow, congratulations
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
all jokes aside having a character argue with himself is maybe the most boring way to fill pages
Amother fucking ginger
GDC
Wow, lizard-neck. Spared no expense.
FancyShark
It was more fun when Gollum did it. But that's because if one personality won the argument, there was a double homicide coming
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
They're multiplying
Ozzie
Dyslexia made me think there was a redheaded lizard there.
gellaho
It would take a lot less time if the bailiff kept his meccanodogs put away like his mom told him to
FancyShark
The widow Serafina did not appreciate being addressed as "the widow Serafina"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Needle teeth are terrible for murder. They always break when you go for a good tear
GDC
Your meccanodogs would switch on faster if you cleaned them more often
FancyShark
Needles are scary, though
Agent of SVVERVED
Comely AND buxom describes me well
gellaho
Magus is one hairy dude
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
You know how water feels like impending stabs by dozens of needles
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
We won't die! Tonight! We will in all likelihood die later but we won't die tonight! I promise!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
is magus a gorilla???
FancyShark
"Tomorrow is up for grabs."
GDC
Or a sasquatch?
gellaho
I AM THE LECHER WENCHER TRENCHER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Star Ape incoming
WENCHER TRENCHER LYRICAL MIRACLE
Agent of SVVERVED
From behind lol
Ozzie
So it's Conan rules, you start the story paying for what you did when you were blackout drunk and horny.
FancyShark
WOE BETIDE MY FRIVOLOUS FROLIC
Ozzie
Now I get it
gellaho
You know bailiffs, always clinging to gables
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Okay i take it back, Harrier Dubois is way more functional than this guy
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
To be fair, Harry wasn't a wizard, and by default that makes you 30% less functional
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
those are the rules of real life imo
gellaho
These robodogs suuuuuuuuuck
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
sounds like you didn't play with enough points in inland empire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Fiercely cold amber stars
FancyShark
Dog has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Excuse you, I didn't teleport up a ladder to be talked down to like this
gellaho
Maya decides this is a great opportunity to have a breakdown, ruining his "leathern" strap
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
MAGUS WITH THE YAPAPI STRAP
GDC
Maya's priorities are all over the place.
gellaho
But at least Magus still has his jar
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
oh sure chased by meccanodogs and she's still thinking about her purse. Women!
gellaho
His purse
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If you don't have your own purse your husband's is fine
FancyShark
And the packs in the water with the silver spoon
Meccanodog needles and eyes like a moon
When we going home Dad, I don't know when
But we'll have to read this agaaaaaaain
GDC
wait, his genuine lizard-neck pack isn't waterproof?
gellaho
It's where he keeps all his fake wizard stuff
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Well they dont make lizards like they used to
GDC
not their necks anyway
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Or wizards, apparently
FancyShark
hahahaha
His most prized possession is his multi-colored scarf
gellaho
The widow gave him a "lizard-neck pack beast" that ran away almost immediately
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
We should have known magus blacklaw was a larper.
gellaho
This is why I said I couldn't skip anything
GDC
I think the madness is intensified by skipping bits
gellaho
A fucking jacked magician, as they all are
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Muscle Wizard!
FancyShark
EVERYTHING IS POLYESTER! THE WATER WILL RUIN EVERYTHING!
GDC
Will the water ruin his hand hair?
gellaho
Gimme that thicc sward
LyraV
It will ruin Avatar 2 and James Cameron's brain
gellaho
And the "filamants"
FancyShark
They made us read "Where the Wildflowers Grew" in grade school. It was brutal
gellaho
Your boy Jakes fucking fell in love with the word "bailiff"
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Too late for the latter, that ship set sail with Titanic
FancyShark
Jakes is fighting his keyboard
gellaho
Maya characterization #3
gellaho
Magus already forgot her bridge breakdown
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
I think he's losing
FancyShark
"Women, amirite? Hi, I'm John Jakes"
gellaho
She's very strong
Please, again, forget about the bridge thing
FancyShark
Maya's somehow had multiple character arcs and negative growth
gellaho
8-mile
FancyShark
She's very strong. There's no strength in her.
gellaho
What's going to happen next?
FancyShark
Smudged lanterns are dim, aren't they?
GDC
The mecanno-dogs don't seem to have many advantages over regular dogs
gellaho
I don't know about that
This is pretty sweet
gellaho
Dogs can't explode like that
FancyShark
Brilliant! He waited until they exploded! He must've known their warranty was about to expire.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
It sounded like a blade cutting through bone... i guess that's a clack?
gellaho
He also got hit pretty hard
The first of many
I love how you exploded those dogs
FancyShark
"I am, Daughter."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
"No I'm not!" Said the angry voice.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Silence, bag of yeast!" Said the other, angrier voice.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
"Take your lithium," Maya said, but Magus was already casting spells in space
gellaho
Adventure!
FancyShark
You're right, Magus. Better she get ripped apart by mechanical dogs
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
THE PLANET WIZARD!!
gellaho
Moonpearled Corpse was the name of my death metal band
FancyShark
Magus makes all his parenting decisions while riding an adrenaline high
GDC
On the other hand, boning widows
gellaho
Keep the mutant sport sheep in mind
FancyShark
Sport sheep are like normal sheep but they have racing stripes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
SUMMON THE KORFSHEEP
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Sport sheep are for speed-counting.
LyraV
Hey fuck you Magus you don't know, those shepherds they could be shepherding while they study history or some shit.
gellaho
Book-rolls
gellaho
They don't have access to the book-rolls
FancyShark
They did not miss these rains down in Africa
LyraV
He died in the middle of his dick? Am I reading that right.
FancyShark
The untold cost of viagra
LyraV
'He died in the middle of his manhood' is a weird phrase.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
autofellatio asphyxiation?
gellaho
In this book? Seems unlikely
Anyway, here's "accursed"
FancyShark
That sentence get away from you, Jakes?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hate to have my fantastic appearance glibly described by peasants who had never seen me
gellaho
The Old Wizard Phlebos
LyraV
Don't let him cough on you!
FancyShark
Named when his parents sneezed
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
old wizard phlebos taught him skepticism
gellaho
The discord is thinking of distributing ha'credits based on how funny you are
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
remember not to condemn me if you haven't seen me
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
1900FunBux!
FancyShark
Because there are ha'pennies, so obviously Jakes is an idiot
gellaho
The better method? Close-up magic!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"No no your countryman's soul is totally in this fireball I swear"
FancyShark
He's bullying people with stage magic?
gellaho
Let the fools not be fooled by their foolishness
LyraV
He will also try to convince you he's not a total mess in a relationship, don't be fooled. It comes right after the sleight of hand.
FancyShark
Yeah, OBVIOUSLY HE'S NOT BOTHERED BY HIS LACK OF SCRUPLES
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
THREE ill never get over it
FancyShark
Sorry, it feels like Jakes is taunting us
gellaho
Fucking
Fucking
Booze
Fire
Murder
FancyShark
This Rorschach test is productive
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"It's not the size of the sword, it's how you use it", he insists to himself in between calling himself a sack of barley
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
charcoal chips dont sound tasty
oh nevermind i transposed some words
LyraV
Um he was talking about swordfighting right or did he mean Really using his sword?
gellaho
I'm not past my prime, but I am uneducated and limited in skill
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"I may not know much,"
FancyShark
A man deals with insecurities. THE PLANET WIZARD!
gellaho
And then he goes through all of it again in reverse
FancyShark
nealty?
LyraV
Is he going to start the Sheep NBA? Trade sheep teams with the guy across the hill.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Am I past my prime? No, it's my prime that's wrong about me.
gellaho
His lack of skill is very neat
Limned
FancyShark
Limed against the tree
gellaho
That does not help
gellaho
She stood described in words
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
I've seen it used as meaning silhouetted in dim light
FancyShark
Jakes is writing his notes to himself as narrative
gellaho
BAAAAAAIIIIILIIIIIIIFFS!!!
FancyShark
Bailiff is becoming the "smurf" of this book
LyraV
Much better now that you mentioned spitting me through? I guess
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
i remember those bonding moments when my dad said he'd nearly murdered me
gellaho
Liquidation is no place for a woman
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Well spit me through the stomach and damn me for a bailiff!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
(Explains a lot, doesn't it?)
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh THAT'S the word you wish you hadn't used, huh
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
"it's a woman's place to sob"
gellaho
John Jakes briefly remembered actual names exist
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Fuck you buddy i only cried once today
FancyShark
Smash cut to Maya in therapy. The therapist is on her fourth notepad
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
This dude sucks. Bring back Dragonard
gellaho
She had already exhibited thirteen personalities
gellaho
She cried a lot more than that, Magus only remembered the single tear afterwards
Suddenly
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
New Brussels
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
a shard of fire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The most dangerous place in 2 Galaxy
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
you know how fire comes in shards
gellaho
Skysled crash!
FancyShark
"Shard of Fire" was the "Old Town Road" of its day
Silence of the Sport Sheep wasn't well received
gellaho
You know what that means! Raid the corpse!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Short, black, and streamlined - words that instantly summon a sled to mind
FancyShark
As fas as he could tell
gellaho
Thinking-machine
GDC
The magician grifter hates lawbreakers
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
let's take a moment to acknowledge that he called the pastoral planet Pastora
gellaho
SPORT SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
GDC
That's not a sport sheep, that's a dire sheep
LyraV
He is a man of contradiction, I can relate to that at least
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Iceballs?! Is that a wizard thing?
FancyShark
"You know what it's like to have frozen balls in your mouth, right, reader?"
gellaho
Ten Feet Tall and Glowing Horns
The flock of sports
FancyShark
Woolly Wave!
gellaho
And now, who is this strapping lad with the fancy ring
FancyShark
Magus is just experiencing what it's like to have insomnia
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Kamandi?
FancyShark
Fuck yeah. Herding with a sword!
gellaho
The lights are so bright as to blind
gellaho
Dude's basically herding blindingly bright wooly mammoths
FancyShark
Dude's also going full Yosemite Sam
gellaho
Too bad he fell in a hole
FancyShark
woop
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A fur-barrow, huh
FancyShark
He died as he lived: Spewing a stream of curses at sheep
gellaho
Dad of the year
FancyShark
Only a woman would mention a death
gellaho
Magus then dodges teats
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Story of my life
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
can't relate
FancyShark
Dodgem Teats
LyraV
I forgive myself for my womanly outburst of wanting to knife him.
gellaho
Perfect comedy, no notes
GDC
This shepherd seems pretty bad at their job
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
So does this author, to be fair
FancyShark
At this rate, they're not going to have a job much longer
LyraV
I feel like he's trying his best
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He is the greatest named of all time though
gellaho
And your brain is fine, I'm sure
FancyShark
"Blorp," the shepard replied
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Professional medical opinion
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
You always see the best in people, lyra
you need to stop doing that, it's had you date three magicians
gellaho
Golden eyes, eh
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
fucker probably plays oddjob
FancyShark
Saluted with his sword, which means he just chopped off an eyebrow
gellaho
"Yes, I am a fake wizard. Can I have some food?"
FancyShark
"I could have let you die."
gellaho
Maya is into headwounds
FancyShark
"When you were dodging those teats, it was so hot"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
New Delft, huh
gellaho
"My uncle's dead. Whatever."
FancyShark
"The flock hates me. I gain nothing from them."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The Yokels of Pastora is a much better name for this book thus far
gellaho
That was her dad
FancyShark
Sorry, I'll correct it
"When you were dodging my dad's teats, that was so hot"
gellaho
Should probably get that scalp checked out
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
FancyShark
Points
"What thing that?"
gellaho
gasp
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh great, he's a legacy.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The legend! Greatest of all the Nards!
FancyShark
The mythical people with anger issues!
gellaho
It is pretty funny
FancyShark
See?! Anger issues!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hereditary anger issues. Who'd a thunk it
GDC
Wait why would geographies have information about royal families
gellaho
Especially since they replaced most of his body to fix it
Maya is into it
FancyShark
I'm going to assume Robin's ancestor did not hook up with the awesome warrior lady
gellaho
"I like the way you threaten to kill me, son"
FancyShark
Please. Thurd and Sworg are daughter names
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
This dude talking down about peasants like he didn't just get his ass beat by his own sports sheep
gellaho
Considering Maximillian was brunette and she was red haired and this kid is blonde
FancyShark
I see Jakes has hit the "tell the audience to like this character" phase of shitty writing
gellaho
Oh, right, the possibly dying guy
FancyShark
The pilot has been busy trying to cauterize the stumps of his legs with a piece of burning metal
gellaho
And another personality shift
FancyShark
Maya's middle name is "Plotdevice"
gellaho
And shift again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I love my daughter and only want the best for her, that slattern wench with her womanly outbursts
GDC
Calling your daughter a wench is creepy
Ozzie
At least he didn't call her a trench
gellaho
I like this kid, but not that much, also daughter might be too tough although that changes on a second by second basis
gellaho
And Robin might be having a stroke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Head injuries are nothing to fuck with
FancyShark
"I'm glad my daughter is hot to some people," thought our hero.
gellaho
Okay, okay
So
I don't want to oversell this
But this may be my favorite description of all time
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh boy oh boy oh boy
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hahaha he wasn't wrong
GDC
Incredible
gellaho
Like, that would be perfect for something that was supposed to be funny
Ozzie
"No, man, taller than you're thinking"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You know a tall man? Think like, ten times longer than that.
FancyShark
But like, long
Longer than tall
GDC
A skysled is one decatallman
gellaho
I legitimately laughed out loud for like five minutes and closed stopped reading because I knew it was perfect for this
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
How many Ariana Grandes ðŸĪ”
GDC
is that metric or imperial tall mans?
gellaho
A very colorful crash
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Nope that's just the reefer
FancyShark
A stink of roasting and dying also describes many buffet restaurants
GDC
This guy has a thing for colored wires
gellaho
Oh, no. The crash got his balls
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
How do you even fuck up your balls in a sled crash
FancyShark
You're supposed to tuck and roll to avoid this exact situation
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
his iceballs?
gellaho
AKA tattooed
FancyShark
Tree
gellaho
Start up the personality shifter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jesus, what kind of caricature do you have to be for even your eyelids to be fat
FancyShark
The party magician is proud that his daughter is unfazed by the sight of corpses
gellaho
He's swollen in all the wrong places
Hans Huygens
FancyShark
And he talks like a pirate
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Too old to wrestle a sky sled alone, so they let me pilot one alone, naturally
gellaho
Don't get too attached
GDC
You need to be strong to pilot a sky sled, they don't have power steering
FancyShark
Any medication. Get him some Flintstones vitamins
gellaho
Huygen's is having a great time
gellaho
Well, had
FancyShark
"But we won't tell you that. It was cool, though. Trust me."
gellaho
A regular Chet, this Hans Huygens
FancyShark
Wait, is he still dying?
gellaho
This is in the past
FancyShark
oh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He died, but here's all the stuff he did before he died
gellaho
Huygen's got that junk in the trunk
FancyShark
"I just told you!"
gellaho
Gimcracks
FancyShark
Tamogachis
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Gimcrack and hokum, i tells ya
FancyShark
Sundries and miscellany
gellaho
Well, at least the lizard people have tits
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Tchotchkes and bric-a-brac
As they should
FancyShark
There are Brothers and lady Brothers. We don't have a word for the latter
gellaho
Plume had a plume, eh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Boy sisters and lady brothers, i tells ya
Jesus, he's still dying.
He died six paragraphs ago and he's still fucking dying.
gellaho
Huygen's really getting the raw end of description
FancyShark
"They hit my head a lot first." is very funny in all this desperate narration
gellaho
Trippy
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Balls of jelly" is my takeaway here
FancyShark
Uh huh. So you had a lot of head trauma, you said? You don't think that had any effect on what you saw?
gellaho
Nasty high cockalorum
FancyShark
The sun disappears over the horizon and still the grotesque ball of suet will not die
gellaho
Yes, I'm guessing they weren't eluded by the tubby guy with the fucked up brain
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Nothing better than broth and saltmeat for a long winded soliloquy
gellaho
You're really getting the Jakesian style
Exhausted and drunk, I wonder why he crashed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Ten leagues?!?
FancyShark
Drinking through the crash is a power move
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
That is well outside the scope of human ability, even with good cardio
FancyShark
How many tall men long is ten leagues?
gellaho
And he's a fat tub of shit!
gellaho
Roughly a groce
The Hauntplace was the brown note all along
GDC
"control failure" is more of a self-control thing than a technical one
FancyShark
It doesn't get less silly the more you say it, Jakes!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
His bowels grew taut as the ghost of Taco Bell finally caught up with him
GDC
The Haunt Place is scary for the exact reason you might expect: bears.
gellaho
Really giving him a dignified death
gellaho
I like that he's worried about not living up to the example set by Huygens
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hey Jake. Fuck you too, buddy.
FancyShark
Jakes was bullied by someone name Huygens, wasn't he
GDC
Huygens dies, farting for 30 consecutive seconds
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Deflating like a bounce house
gellaho
"Could I possibly do as well as this dying man with a trunkful of crap I haven't even seen yet?"
FancyShark
Somehow, his dying breath sounds like a disappointed moan
GDC
The trunk is just full of empty liquor bottles
gellaho
No, just blows a blood bubble
FancyShark
"We've got nearly 73 cents worth of glass here!"
GDC
"eww" Maya wiped her hands off.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Maya sprang the fuck away from that like she got jumpscared
FancyShark
"Gross. Fat piece of shit. I hope you're in hell."
gellaho
Now time to loot!
GDC
Jakes just discovered the word chromium the morning he wrote this page
FancyShark
"This sucks. Let's strip the corpse for parts."
gellaho
The new bailiff
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
His spine itched.
gellaho
I'm guessing old Phlebos hadn't heard of the miracles of plastic
gellaho
FancyShark
It's no nysteel
gellaho
You will not defeat me, spool of wire! No matter how terrifying you are!
FancyShark
Careful! It could be a snake posing as ethernet cabling!
GDC
They're debating the existence of technology over diagrams they pulled out of a spaceship
LyraV
Spools are terrifying what can I say?
GDC
That would explain all the descriptions of colored wires
gellaho
Don't pull logic into this
Then you'll be questioning how he knew that the dogs were filled with wire or what wire even was
FancyShark
The key to good sci-fi is to make basic tech magic so you don't have to think up new things
gellaho
Look, I know he's dead, but let's not elevate Huygens to pirate
FancyShark
Yar
Also, CALLED IT
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He fucking crashed before we even met him and died after we did. He didn't even have an exciting plot coupon. Not exactly dealing with Billy Bones here
FancyShark
gellaho
Well, by forgetting a crucial "n" they now have a magical truck
GDC
The guy drunk drove a spaceship into a planet.
gellaho
Was that in the original printing?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Trunck
FancyShark
I think he spent longer dying than escaping from the demon planet
gellaho
Well, that's baffling
FancyShark
The last place anyone will look
gellaho
Negative quality control on this reprinting
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
gellaho
God, this is such a great book
FancyShark
"DO YOU FEEL REFRESHED?!"
LyraV
Nahhhhhhh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Spider! Ahhhhh!"
gellaho
Magic!
FancyShark
Somehow Huygens not having the saddest death we've encountered makes it even sadder
GASP
TINGO!
gellaho
Magus fitting to cuckold this ugly woman's husband
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What a hero
FancyShark
Magus accidently sets her on fire
gellaho
Use these lines on your next excursion, fellas
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jesus, lady, right there in public?
You nasty.
gellaho
Boy, this is just straight up nonsense
gellaho
Just gibberish
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Words, words, words
FancyShark
You're not supposed to read the flavor text for magic spells, Magus
LyraV
This is how you end up summoning the Lich by accident.
gellaho
Then it's not really a cathedral, is it?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It was quiet except for the dudes loudly singing
There were no authorities except the patrolling watchmen
FancyShark
Cathedral does admittedly sound more badass than "secular religious structure"
LyraV
Twas dark but for all the illumination
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
There were no cathedrals except for the nonreligious one
There were no gargoyles except for the ones peering down from above
gellaho
A secular religious structure?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Just a fucking barnstormer of a non-paragraph
FancyShark
It's Jakes. I assume that's the term he'd use
gellaho
John Jakes is a master at describing people as pathetic as possible
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
STOP FINGERING IN PUBLIC
gellaho
Magus'attempts to prostitute himself are interrupted
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
pokes finger into and out of cinched opening of purse
FancyShark
"Dad! Quit being fucking gross!"
gellaho
Robin got hit in the head again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hey, his eyes are up here, Magus.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Was it greasy and foul-smelling, this sweat?
FancyShark
Jesus. Buy the kid a helmet already
gellaho
All I did was get really drunk and tell everyone your stuff, what's the big deal?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Bootfalls and halloos
GDC
Robin is either immediately post-vomiting or immediately pre-vomiting.
FancyShark
Unless you have really problematic friends, I'm not sure how bragging about them starts a fight
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Four cups of wine and I'd be unconscious.
gellaho
robes
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Did you drink their wine?
gellaho
GDC
Gotta admit picking a fight with a ringwraith takes balls
FancyShark
Yeah. That's a five drink mistake, minimum
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
I find it hard to believe Magus' belly isn't already stone-heavy. All that trenchermanship.
gellaho
"Oh, right, I'm also wearing a robe. Not sure why I freaked out about that"
FancyShark
Now I want Rincewind to show up
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You can't expect me to be scared of robed figures when you've already told me they're wearing mandals, Jakes
gellaho
So really, really not a cathedral at all
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You and every botched Hitman run, pal
FancyShark
Typical stage magician night
gellaho
Or at least Wyrdrune. Early Wyrdrune anyway
GDC
i hope the pike made a boi-oi-oi-oing sound
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Maybe it's a deconsecrated cathedral?
FancyShark
If you don't end the night chased by a bloodthirsty mob, you're not drinking or magicking right
gellaho
The theme of the book has become "fat"
gellaho
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Them fatcat bureacrats, said the trencherman pot about the kettles.
GDC
karate chop to the neck flab!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
DEATHBLOW! DEATHBLOW! WINDMILL! MAGIC TRICK!
gellaho
The best defense is trippable robes
LyraV
Bureaucratic tumbling should be an Olympic event.
FancyShark
Just running in and kicking the ass of a bunch of desk jockies
GDC
I wish I could wear my robe to the office
gellaho
And then he's beaten a lot
FancyShark
CONK
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And this is enough of a problem that the small government monks are all issued fighting knives
gellaho
And now: court
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Senseless is exactly how I'd describe this subplot
FancyShark
Holy shit, they used their PIKES to bludgeon him?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Bringing pikes to a bludgeon fight, tsk.
FancyShark
There's no way the rest of this isn't his brain firing off random thoughts as he bleeds out
LyraV
Off there in the monkless distance
gellaho
The setting was "trumpery"
FancyShark
Jakes got a thesaurus for Christmas and knew his aunt wouldn't stop asking how much he enjoyed it until he did something drastic
gellaho
And now: thin
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Liverish?
gellaho
A land of contrasts
FancyShark
Don't be looking at another man's shanks, Magus
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
A wildcat did growl
gellaho
Hahaha, it's illegal to impersonate a wizard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Because why the fuck wouldn't it be
gellaho
OK, I know foxy meant the same thing it does now in 1969
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Using said impersonation to try and get in a plump matron's clove-smelling purse hole.
gellaho
Foxy Lady came out in 1967
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The judges glanced up at Magus, who we've already established was below them
LyraV
Aesop's Fables laid the groundwork for that
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
You know you're a sweet little LAW-BREAKER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He likes to tell people that but I think that's just sour grapes.
gellaho
8 Mile
LyraV
Perfect hehehe this is a perfect joke!
gellaho
Sick burn
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
The prosecutor is a wild boar.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Did he just try to use "wizard" as a slur
gellaho
Hahahahahaha
GDC
or maybe a sport boar
LyraV
That was quick
gellaho
You know, how cathedrals do
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Those are the catacombs, homes.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
We don't really schedule executions down here. The headsman will get to you when he gets to you
LyraV
Soggy with what?!
ðŸ‘― Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
buddy we can sit here and use all kinds of things as a slur
LyraV
Onion juice
GDC
This is the cathedral from Diablo
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Whatever they sopped out of the sour pot.
gellaho
Everything sweats in II Galaxy. And constantly
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Greasy, foul-smelling sweat.
FancyShark
Do they at least have a food tube and a waste tube?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
2 Galaxy is profoundly moist.
GDC
Could you give the cell measurements in tall men?
gellaho
Still terrified of that wire spool
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
How many meccanodogs can fit inside?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Could it fit Huygens?
FancyShark
It's not really a "good idea" if you can't make it work
FancyShark
Never
gellaho
Gonna spit some sweet rhymes once he's back from the nutrient mess
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What if you pushed really hard
Jowled. Authority. Rapster.
gellaho
Most people don't know this, but John Jakes invented hip-hop
FancyShark
Dude's flow is sick
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A real lyrical miracle
gellaho
It's your boy, Weenie Dragonard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Stand out of his -way
LyraV
Nooooooo he haunts me
FancyShark
Hits his head on the door frame
gellaho
Oh, so now it's small
LyraV
I found a note in my planner that just says 'Dragonard make it real' I see it every day and I have no idea what it means
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
This trunk is shifting dimensions.
FancyShark
Compared to Huygens, everything is small
gellaho
Are you a secret mentalist?
sniff
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It was big enough to be lugged a chapter ago. Now Robin can carry this shit under one arm
gellaho
Disgusting, wanting their chuckle credits
FancyShark
Bootleg laughter is no joke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Renew your subscription to 1900Hotdog today!
gellaho
This is setting up to be a real weird threesome
GDC
This moment is getting overripe
gellaho
"Quiet, I hear the beat of the authoritative rapsters"
LyraV
Then they made out for a while right?
FancyShark
"Character growth has occurred. Trust me. I'm a writer."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
<muffled authority rap playing in the distance>
gellaho
Terrifying gizmos and doodads
LyraV
Look no one knows why the dwemer left their ruins behind we get it.
gellaho
Yes, yes! I have mastered the fidget spinner!
gellaho
I AM A WIZARD!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Shit, that's all it takes to be a wizard?
FancyShark
It's the same feeling you get when you figure out the keyboard shortcuts
LyraV
It felt surprisingly similar to being a jerky old fraud.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The magic was within him all along!
FancyShark
Well, he was pulling it out his ass
gellaho
I'd probably use some kind of negative metaphor in this case, but let it flow Jakes
gellaho
"He might be decapitated, but that necklace sure was beautifyl"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Magus was about to be executed. His escape plan was working perfectly.
FancyShark
"He fixed a menacing stare like delicate moonlight on fresh fallen snow"
gellaho
Just a planet of uggos
FancyShark
What if Magus is just being an asshole and these people all look fine?
gellaho
Just so sweaty
FancyShark
Really did not expect this book to spend so long as a courtroom drama
gellaho
Fusty
LyraV
That's not a real word, it can't be. Brb
FancyShark
FancyShark
Bad news, @LyraV
LyraV
Fuck I learned something today!
And it's me I am old fashioned in my styles! It's good to know there's still new things to learn.
gellaho
They are really frightened of these toys
FancyShark
Now he's burned as a witch
gellaho
He's working with his spheres and rectangles
gellaho
F- name.
FancyShark
oop
gellaho
Three pages to describe a shitty Polaroid
FancyShark
Laaaaaaaaame
gellaho
Suddenly, a tall man with a mustache knows all
gellaho
LyraV
They could have found a lady with crystals in NM to do that same thing after smoking a joint.
gellaho
Just as suddenly he is rebuked and sent away
FancyShark
How long is the tall man?
hahahaha
Like a Monty Python sketch
gellaho
You are legally a wizard
FancyShark
Even more nerdy than a wizard is the wizard who proves it in a court of law
LyraV
Are you sure we don't need a few more months of playing around with led lights?
gellaho
And everything is cool, time for celebration right?
Wrong, the bailiffs are back
FancyShark
GASP
gellaho
Butts forward
FancyShark
Hawt
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The blunt end of the pike, naturally
FancyShark
[bludgeoning sounds]
gellaho
And... back to getting hit in the head
gellaho
Also, "tapster"
FancyShark
Like Fred Astaire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If the tapsters and rapsters ever combined their powers they would be unstoppable
GDC
wencher, trencher, tapster and bailiff
gellaho
And we all know the high capability of sunburnt bailiffs
LyraV
They tuned up their attack to an A.
gellaho
Robin really should wear a helmet
FancyShark
At the rate he's going, he's not going to have much skull left to protect
gellaho
You know how you bathe in air
FancyShark
It's why every razor commercial ends with someone splashing air on their face
gellaho
And now: more old men in robes
FancyShark
Ah good, more fats
well, one
LyraV
They could hardly be differentiated except for all the flipping differences
GDC
The Rainbow Governors
gellaho
So, anyway, they force him to go to Lightmark
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
wump wump
gellaho
All Jakes' favorite words: lurid, fat, fusty
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Story of my life
GDC
Lurid, Fat Fusty is a much better slogan than Live, Laugh, Love
gellaho
Four hired Johhny Bravos
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
gellaho
And, you'd never guess what this last guy looks like
GDC
Wait, yellow boots?
gellaho
Fat
FancyShark
Jakes never wanders far from the comfort zone
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jesus, they kept going on about how 2 Galaxy was a nuclear hellscape, but most people seem to be eating just fine
gellaho
Magus accidentally replaced his sword with a snake
FancyShark
Everyone's got a glandular problem or something
gellaho
10 ft sheep are surprisingly fatty
gellaho
They have been doused in nuclear rain, so maybe
FancyShark
Oooh, good point
gellaho
Just a king of naming
gellaho
Undefeated
FancyShark
Fuckin' champ
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Finally, a sci-fi setting where tubby schlubs can thrive
gellaho
Was it?
gellaho
FancyShark
Community college, maybe?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Mostly it signifies being fucking insufferable on Twitter
LyraV
Sisyphus would have given up on this book by now.
gellaho
Easkod
FancyShark
That's an anagram for "sad koe", a rare freshwater fish
gellaho
FancyShark
Or that
Which is somehow stupider
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Good grief.
gellaho
That was also one of the names of the Lords of the Exchange
GDC
Jakes did not anticipate digital photography
gellaho
So if you are wondering why all those names were so stupid, it's because he randomly messed with actual company names
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
He is a builder of worlds
FancyShark
I remember he messed with some place's name in the last book, but I can't remember the location
LyraV
Worse that makes it worse somehow
gellaho
The bosom cube
FancyShark
Banishing fear has a few bugs to work out
gellaho
Caress the magic cube
gellaho
Cry for the magic cube
FancyShark
"My fat wife's fat grandfather's fat wife"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
gellaho
Don't call it a magic cube
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
THERE IS NO MAGIC! SANTA IS A LIE!!
FancyShark
I assume the lizardmen of the demon planet are actually a metaphor for Geico
LyraV
There are only cubes! They are not magical cubes take it to court if you're not sure!
gellaho
He rejects this fat and sobby offer
FancyShark
Stumped away, just clopping and gamboling down the lane
gellaho
Legitimately, that bravo threw and caught that knife like 5 times
Bealspealed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Of all the cities we kept Brussels
FancyShark
These people make it weird when the mail carrier arrives
gellaho
Eh, what could go wrong
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Not the think-machines!
Not our Dreamcasts!
gellaho
I'll bet it stood straight up
gellaho
The wafers and drums of science
FancyShark
Feeling nervous, they decided to drink
Huygen's ghost urged them on
gellaho
God Bless America
gellaho
FancyShark
hahahaha
I'm terrified of how much Jakes I've called tonight
LyraV
Sure let's get drunk why not?
GDC
Worked for Huygens
FancyShark
Mostly
gellaho
Ah, the majesty of space travel
gellaho
FancyShark
Let's get fitshaced
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A cRaZiLy CoCkEd eyebrow ðŸĪŠ
LyraV
I read some of it aloud to help me make some sense but nope.
My light spangled lonesomeness must be making me sentimental
gellaho
Alright, so there desperately needs to be a break here
gellaho
Because some amount of time has passed and it is baffling without that
I checked the original printing, and it has the same thing. Although that one is so compressed there are barely chapter breaks and it's 80 pages shorter
FancyShark
Robin needs to be careful. He hasn't hit his head in almost a day.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
At this rate he'll end up like the CompuToon kid
gellaho
So, yeah, this should have probably been earlier
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh god. My autocorrect recognizes CompuToon as a proper noun.
I'm in too deep. It's part of me now.
gellaho
Just beset by robed men
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Only bathrobes survived the long journey to Galaxy 2
FancyShark
It reads like the dude put on the cloak while Robin watched, then punched him
gellaho
John Jakes back to awkwardly describing guns
gellaho
I mean, somebody puts on a full cloak around me that'd be my first instinct too
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Don't make me put on the whoopin' cloak, kid"
FancyShark
John Jakes must be insufferable at Pictionary
gellaho
Won't you gimme three steps? Gimme three steps mister, gimme three steps towards the door
LyraV
Don't feel bad Magus I feel like I should remember too but I sure don't.
gellaho
Some Skynyrd just for me
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Freebird!
gellaho
It's the random tall guy from the trial!
gellaho
More red hair!
MORE
FancyShark
Now another bailiff appears and escorts him out mid-rant
gellaho
A new mouth in his neck
GDC
I'm starting to see the downside of the robe uniforms
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh he cut his throat. I get it
FancyShark
Or he gave him a hickey
LyraV
A new...gross there are so many other ways come on man.
gellaho
Well, Maya saw another man so she's into it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A strong independent woman, prone to mood swings and outbursts of emotion, who swoons over every man and whose father finds her a general annoyance.
gellaho
William Catto
gellaho
An 18-dimensional character
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Billy Cats!
FancyShark
William gives this same speech to every person at a party
gellaho
FancyShark
I'm sure Magus will shut this down quickly
LyraV
I have a negative amount of faith in Magus.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Nope. Fuck Billy Cats. Bad investment
gellaho
Photographos
FancyShark
In the ancient tongue, "phortorgaphs"
See, Jakes? We can do this, too
GDC
The Prime Manager ducked out of work early on nuclear war eve.
gellaho
Photographos is the true ancient greek
Except, you know
LyraV
Find all the East Cod you want but leave me out of it
gellaho
They didn't have that
FancyShark
I refuse to give Jakes the win
gellaho
So, anyway, Maya is obsessed with this sociopath
FancyShark
But thank you for teaching me something new
gellaho
So, Magus thinks it's a great idea to send her off with him
FancyShark
Robin vs Catto for Maya's affection. I'm sure this won't play out the way Mongoose and Cobra did in the last book
LyraV
Look I was reading Easkod as East Cod this book has broken me that was my best joke lol
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Really giving Abraham a run for his money in the shitty dad department
gellaho
Because they of course know what gravity and atmosphere is
GDC
what does Jakes think suns are?
FancyShark
Think?
gellaho
A twelve-month with the fur-fangs
gellaho
Buddies to hug
FancyShark
You don't avoid the Voice of Doom
GDC
You probably could settle down if you kept your mouth shut
gellaho
If only there were some kind of word for evening food
gellaho
Southern Ice is really into the Allman Brothers and grits
Well, rather than doing anything about this as a father, time to get space drunk
GDC
Magus and I just had the same idea.
gellaho
Because they were apparently able to smuggle fifty gallons of booze onto this ship
LyraV
I'll maybe talk to her about that eventually.
GDC
Compared to the space booze, the weight of a stowaway is just a rounding error
gellaho
Okay, so to point something stupid out (I know)
Just said four days out
GDC
i don't want to hug the milky suns
FancyShark
Jakes cut the scene where they had to double back to get chips and more beer from a gas station
gellaho
Typically when you say something is "<blank> days out," that means "<blank> days away," Jakes
Not that they've been traveling for that much time
Some rod maintenance
gellaho
Ifyouknowwhatimsaying
GDC
"realtime device on the main control console" is a lot of words for clock
FancyShark
awwwwww yeeeeeaaaaaah
LyraV
In a journey that never ends where nothing happens for 1000 more chapters.
gellaho
"She'll sense his hardness soon enough"
LyraV
No I'm ready bring it on, I hope they go back to the fucking wizard court.
LyraV
I bet she will heyooo
GDC
As soon as billy cats can manage
gellaho
Well, the murder has caught the attention of my daughter, but I'm much more worried about this jealousy
LyraV
Trust me they will point it out in a not subtle fashion she won't have to sense anything.
gellaho
Excuse me?
FancyShark
ewwwww
Even if that's beer-induced, ewwww
GDC
Hey, I just listened to that episode of SIF
gellaho
Yeasty and milky
gellaho
But somebody is taking a journey on something, so they have to be interrupted by warning alarms
That narrative rules
You fall asleep on any kind of vehicle, you best believe a klaxon is going to wake you up
FancyShark
If it's not a malfunction, it's pirates or a black hole or something
LyraV
Robin murders Catto
gellaho
I'll give Jakes this, power chamber is a great phrase
gellaho
Way better than engine room
Jesus Christ, about every third word of this paragraph is weird as hell
gellaho
I honestly don't even know where to start with that
GDC
I had to read that 4 times and I still don't understand
LyraV
it boggles the mind
FancyShark
I think it means someone was drinking with Maya and dropped the bottle or smashed it into something?
I don't get the significance of the slipper
GDC
Having a late night nutrient fluid
gellaho
So she tripped and pulled out a power rod... somehow? Maybe?
LyraV
'What's left of her'
gellaho
And a real unfortunate old-time use of groped
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
In lieu of a funeral, the crew held a modest wake for Cinderella at airlock no.3.
FancyShark
You think Magus is going to tell this story to the kids at the next birthday party he works?
gellaho
Yeah, that's how you check for a heartbeat
LyraV
One can only hope
gellaho
"Put your ear to her throat, see if she still has a pulse"
FancyShark
If Catto is pronounced "Kato", I'm going to flip a table
gellaho
No idea what these rods do
FancyShark
Because that line reminded me way too quickly of the Pink Panther
gellaho
Why are they damp?
Why are they sticking out so somebody can trip and accidentally knock them out?
Why does removing one emit bright white light that boils the blood?
FancyShark
...magic?
LyraV
It is both all consuming, boiling the blood but y'know not all that bad?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
In another time we'd call them nuclear control rods
gellaho
That doesn't explain anything
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And we'd shoot them at Bond baddies to impale them
gellaho
Unless
Unless these are for some reason the same thing Tingo Spellhands had
But that would make no sense in this context
FancyShark
That must be it then
gellaho
Well, time for some murder
LyraV
I should have stayed with the sports sheep!
gellaho
The murder is interrupted by their arrival at Lightmark
gellaho
They probably should have brought the fat, crying descendant instead
FancyShark
Killing Robin with head trauma feels...I dunno. Too obvious?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He's already survived it like 20 times, law of averages says it's gotta do him in at some point, right?
gellaho
And that seems like a good enough place to stop for now
FancyShark
DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNN!
gellaho
Less than halfway through, ooh boy
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
hahaha, holy hell
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
lol
LyraV
Thanks? @gellaho this one tried to break me
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
i had a tummy ache and napped but damn.
GDC
whew, that was rough, thanks everyone
gellaho
Probably doesn't help that the fist forty pages took about 2 hours
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Yeesh, this one was a slog comparted to the first
Thanks Gellaho & gang
LyraV
I feel like we earned some kind of merit badge, I'm giving myself one right now in my head.
FancyShark
Have a good night, everyone! Don't drive a spaceship drunk!
LyraV
@gellaho you are the master of the book cage and let none of them escape.
gellaho
So pauses the 91th edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
May all of your spaceships be as long as several tall men are tall
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Too rich and dense to consume in one sitting.
gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 91.5 - The Planet Wizard Part II
Somehow this book about a fake wizard going to a planet of demons has devolved into a love triangle between Maya Blacklaw, Robin descendant of Dragonard, and a sociopathic, redheaded descendant of the Kodak corporation. They are on their way to planet Eastman Kodak to find the secrets of instant photography. Will they find it? How many more head injuries will our heroes sustain? Find out this Friday, 5pm Eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
And so, the Lords of the Exchange are:
1) Genmor - General Motors
2) Threem - 3M
gellaho
3) Xero - Xerox
4) Unilev - Unilever
5) Stanol - Standard Oil
6) Stanbrans - Standard Brands
7) Arsgrat -?
8) Easkod - Eastman Kodak
gellaho
I think Arsgrat might just be a reference to a story he wrote called "In the Days of King Arsgrat"
And it should be noted that Standard Oil stopped being a thing 21 years before John Jakes was even born, so I have no idea what it's doing in the future
Podcast Reference Thrillho
That giant lizard must love the feeling of that woman's hair in its nose
Ozzie
Possibly referring to ars gratia artis "art for art's sake"
gellaho
A profound commentary on the commerciality of art
maaaaaaaan
cake boi jakesy
There's also a good chance he came up with half of these names while on the toilet at work
Just staring at a client list like
Arsgrat has to be another publicly traded company on "the exchange" at the time
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
MGM's slogan, so maybe it's just a media conglomerate?
Putting way more thought into the lore of this world than Jakes probably did but it makes the most sense to me
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, It's Johnathan Jacobs's The Planet Wizard Part II. In lieu of a preview, behold the wonders of planetary rotation.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Francis Scott Key omitting "the rockets' red spurt" from the national anthem was probably the right move, in hindsight
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
If your rocket spurts red, see a physician\space shaman immediately.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And on the seventh day, God peeled the fuck outta there on his rocket sled
Brendan
BEHOLD
OUR PROPHET ARRIVES
gellaho
Time to boobs the process
Brendan
Mad Max but make it a rape dragon
FancyShark
Our Brendan! He's alive!
gellaho
I mean, tits to breast the process
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Whitesnake really scaled up.
hee hee, "scaled."
gellaho
So, to remove all sexiness. Imagine the wrinkled brown mass
cake boi jakesy
The Undertaker's entrance routine has become more elaborate over time
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
We've all woken up mostly nude tied upside down to a dragon head, am i right people?
PURPLE
gellaho
The theme of this chapter is "colors"
FancyShark
That crazy dry water
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Magus sits everyone down to talk about their feelings?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
A cat's grin, so a cleft lip?
gellaho
Ending of course, with one of the characters turning into a rainbow
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Man if I had a nickel for every time someone was awkward after incidents in my power chamber.
FancyShark
Robin said little because any movement is going to jostle more of his brain out
GDC
I hope they sobered up before they tried to land.
FancyShark
The more you Robin
gellaho
But how tall is the man?
FancyShark
About 1/10th the longness of a ship
Brendan
Oh dang, when did Rachel become our god?
FancyShark
Just now!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Seconds ago.
Worship at your leisure.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Whats that in apples?
FancyShark
Well, officially
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
When was she not?
GDC
We don't know if those are metric or imperial tall men
still 10 kilotallmen is pretty big either way
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Man, I miss a lot when I don't show up for book cage on time. I'm not even god anymore.
gellaho
Magus smuggled in his precious magician accouterments
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Obviously if they have to pick one man to measure by, it must be Tingo Spellhands
FancyShark
He's bringing stage magic props to a Stargate mission
Magus is either awesome or idiotic
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
THRILL as a shithead magician reloads his hankies!
GDC
None of his doves or rabbits survived the journey, sadly.
FancyShark
Food was scarce
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Rations were low. Sacrifices had to be made
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Stage magic and a tunic, he's got all the combined sex appeal of a magician and a ren faire attendee
gellaho
I hope you brought enough sticky blocks of nutrient for the entire class
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh goody I love tofu
FancyShark
Bullion cubes
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Delicious granola bars.
gellaho
Just as Hans Huygens foretold!
cake boi jakesy
Nooooooo morrereeeeeeee
FancyShark
Maya's switch to Shakespearean Melodrama mode
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The brothers better not listen exclusively to hip-hop as opposed to country
GDC
Did maya just punch herself in the face?
gellaho
If they did, John Jakes would be some kind of soothsayer
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
would be?
gellaho
Just the most adorable li'l kilts
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Moist, like lizards.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"little kilt" so a miniskirt.
FancyShark
Kinda weird they're lizards riding lizards. It'd be like if a warband rode around on apes
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Okay but you would absolutely watch that movie.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
If they were once human and became lizard like, that's covergent evolution
Also, stupid
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Happy St. Patrick's Day to these kilted little weirdoes only
gellaho
These guys are really bad at using the one weapon they have
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I wonder if they taste like chicken........
gellaho
Like, real bad
cake boi jakesy
Wait so the Brothers are throwing spears
I don't like where this is going
FancyShark
What luck they were met by the Nerf tribe
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jakes already said they had "dumb eyes" which seems a little mean.
Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters
maybe he meant they were silent eyes
incommunicative
un-?
gellaho
It is very racist against the secret lizard people that control the world
Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters
idk
GDC
Just the stupidest eyes they'd ever seen
gellaho
This is obviously the cleanest way to describe a laser gun
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
What does pale-sizzling sound like?
GDC
Whiteness destroys the brothers. This just keeps getting worse
gellaho
A true disservice to the lizard people
FancyShark
No contingency plans if a rider gets in any way unsettled
gellaho
Humanform
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Humanform is what alien archaeologists will call the common alphabet.
cake boi jakesy
Everyone pour one out for our fallen brother
gellaho
Good news:
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Eat him, its the only ethical thing to do.
FancyShark
Thank you, Jakes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Aw man, I was hoping they were cyborgs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Also quit creeping on that dying lizard bro's ween, Magus.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Magus, why are you checking out his junk rn?
FancyShark
Yeah. Only human cyborgs can have junk
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Yeah scooped but still
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Now cook and eat him.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If he's a lizard does that mean he's packing a hemi, orrr
gellaho
He died as he lived: hanging dong
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
With wine, chicken marinated in wine is really good and lizard tastes like chicken
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The Hauntplace huh
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Great place for haunts
also mind-burning demons
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Well, it depends on when you go
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The Hauntplace sounds like Tinder
FancyShark
"OUR ARMIES WILL FIND YOU AND SEND YOU TO THE SCARY HOUSE."
GDC
Banished to the spookyzone
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
you lost this shadow game, tingo spellhands
gellaho
Enter: the sad, fat descendant of Kodak
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh hey it's that guy
Brendan
Philosopher Arko Lantzman: Sex Icon
Lantzman to the gents, lanceman to the ladies and also gents
gellaho
Just a very wet face
FancyShark
Philosopher Lantzman sounds like the name of the professor the rest of the department avoids talking to
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Yellow-booted bravos are the jack-booted thugs of Galaxy II
Brendan
Technically redhead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Most philosophers are..
gellaho
Pure sex
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Moist philosophers are*
FancyShark
Too much fattening age
gellaho
Considering they have no knowledge of how to make these skysleds, they certainly do have enough to get constantly stolen
FancyShark
Lantzman is built like an ice cream cone
gellaho
Apparently their security measures aren't enough to stop any fat man who wants one
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Typical academics. All theory and no experience
Brendan
Don't make me pull out the Dr. Robotnik rule 34 archive.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah it turns out a pike isnt a very good weapon for security guards.
Also its hell on your ceiling tiles.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
please don't make him do that, please
Brendan
I'm so confused how this fits into the Sony Kings universe.
FancyShark
Skysleds are the rascal scooters of Galaxy II
gellaho
Yes, yes, that's the phrase. Bird-and-mouse
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Cats went extinct. It's a setting detail suggested by Chris Avellone*
FancyShark
The War of Empty Titles
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
*in one of his stupider moments
Brendan
Cats are gonna outlast us.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Prime Manager is something your shift manager at McDonalds calls himself shortly before you quit.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
So he called Lantzman a mouse and a rabbit?
Apex predator
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
lol mine are about that age now.
gellaho
How dare you use the machinery of Eastman-Kodak for profit!
FancyShark
Manufacturing ethics debates! THE PLANET WIZARD!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Slugs. Always prating.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Booooooo get back do dodging mutant spears you wieners, if I wanted to read about two rich nobs argue about who has the better plan for society I'd watch C-SPAN.
FancyShark
The lizardmen are watching all of this and wondering if they should intervene
gellaho
Robin Dragonard: the twitchiest face in the biz
GDC
Easkod is betting on film making a comeback
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He's just a big fan of jawbreakers.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
His cheeks are ripped from all that work
gellaho
FEAR! MY! CUUUUUUUUBE!
FancyShark
Dude's nearing Z'dar levels of cheekdom
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
The only thing that can stand up to Catto is Doggo.
FancyShark
"Yes, the powering triggers. Those things everyone knows about and thus we have no need to explain."
gellaho
Well, I don't know what I expected to happen
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Lantzman is masturbating melvin
gellaho
But it certainly wasn't this
LyraV
Why did I think it would be different from the first half? Did my brain trick me?
FancyShark
It's called "hope", Lyra
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Cuboid batteries would be cool, it would stop them rolling away when my cat knocks them off my desk.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Billy Catz had two brilliant ideas: fuck it, and charge
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Those are 9v
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
bullshit, no one has licked it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
LICK THE CUBE, BILLY QUIZBOY.
FancyShark
Lantzman is Marvel's Gateway?
gellaho
It's a good thing Catto charged with his laser gun instead of, you know, firing it
LyraV
I wasn't expecting the book cage to help be better understand the myth of Sisyphus.
Ozzie
He took the feat that lets him fire in melee and he's gonna fucking use it.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I assume given the cutoff that the instant was not enough and Magus is fucking dead now
gellaho
Robin's really living up to the Dragonard name
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He's got terrible aim so he always puts the muzzle right to the targef
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Head injury ✅
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Maybe he thought it would go faster than light speed from a running start? ðŸĪ·ðŸŧ‍♀ïļ
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
we must imagine tingo spellhands as happy
FancyShark
By the time this book is over, Robin's going to need to communicate with crayons and construction paper
gellaho
It's going great
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Then he will truly be a Dragonard
FancyShark
Somehow, the muscle he twisted was still his head
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Hating, Rachel buttered the second slice of toast.
I like this convention.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"apparently" is doing a lot of work in that paragraph
gellaho
Due to the fact that Magus decided to side with the psychotic stowaway, Robin decides to leave with the sad fat man with the cube
FancyShark
Hating, FancyShark ordered some tacos. Hey, you're right!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
"Nobody gives orders to a Dragonard!" is an objectively funny sentence, I'm with Catto
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hating, Robin bawled his defiance.
FancyShark
uh oh. Turning pale and then suddenly flushed? Robin's got massive internal bleeding.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A more dignified Dragonard there will never be.
gellaho
Magus continues his campaign for father of the year
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
How was I supposed to know the thing I didn't want to happen was happening?! You gave every sign that I ignored because it didn't fit my ideal worldview!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Ahhh, I remember when my dad used to shake me and yell that everything was my fault
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh man. this dude really is a parent.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Good times.
gellaho
The man makes a good point
FancyShark
"Dammit, daughter! What dick are you chasing?!"
Brendan
This entire book is just going to be men growling "Mind your tongue, girl," isn't it?
...I wrote that before the latest screenshot.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Ah, The Witcher.
LyraV
With maybe some long court cases thrown in.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And stage magic.
gellaho
Then he experiences all the emotions
FancyShark
Harry Chapin thinks this is all a bit heavy handed for "lousy dad" symbolism
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Jakes knows one thing about women: they're trifling, manipulative whores.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The Four Stages of Deadbeat
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Which, like, personally I can't contest but
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Speaking of, I heard that song at least three times at work today ðŸ˜ĩ‍ðŸ’Ŧ
LyraV
Then he was kind of jaunty for a while, then cold then too hot then angry again mostly at women.
gellaho
Certainly good you ended up on Catto's side
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He's hot then he's cold.
He's yes then he's no.
He's in then he's out.
He's up then he's down.
Discovering Cupidity: The Billy Catz Story
FancyShark
"Sure is nice that we've moved past you attempting to murder us all on the ship"
gellaho
You know sand and dust: gooey
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
To be fair, it's made of sand dust and sweat. It's basically stucco by that point
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Sand, dust, and sweat is how you make a really bad beehive.
FancyShark
They wouldn't be struggling if they had tiny kilts
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
For just the nastiest bees.
gellaho
I hope Maya's already bought the World's Best Dad mug
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Mayamayamayamayamaya- is actually her full name. You know she's in big trouble when he pulls that out.
LyraV
What was the wind doing again? Thrusting? Pfff hahaha
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
"The wind thrust harder" also sounds like a good burn on a top
FancyShark
Every parent is afraid of losing track of their child on an alien planet
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Stupid future bastard doesnt know to rope himself to the other members of his party in a sandstorm.
gellaho
Apparently the Brothers can teleport
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
That is how your kids become friends with Ewoks and that might be kind of fun for them.
FancyShark
Studs: They're sharp
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Wish I had a sharp stud in my right hand, heyooo
gellaho
Now: a lizard man math problem
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Studs: the anti-himbo.
gellaho
They are if you're metal as fuck
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jakes saw Wrath of Khan and liked how the baddies appeared in the desert from nowhere as a group, so he figured it'd be cooler if he did it five more times as immediately as possible
gellaho
Very imposing
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
sorry, cinched to their throats by what exactly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
JELLYFISH HAT!
gellaho
Star Trek, always stealing from John Jakes
GDC
They stole some stillsuits from the Atredies
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Star Trek really steals?? No Dignity
Brendan
On The Planet, it rains potassium.
FancyShark
Those are plainly ziploc bags they're wearing as space helmets
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
It's space australian
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Just wait like three minutes and this ambush will resolve itself
gellaho
He must have had his bubble helmet custom made for his mohawk
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Seanbrother!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
If they mention how bad the Brothers smell then we can confirm Jakes stole them from D&D and this is just a band of troglodytes.
FancyShark
"Brought it down in a pointing signal". Jakes had three ways to explain a gesture and mashed them all together.
gellaho
D&D always stealing from John Jakes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Three great tastes that go bleh together!
gellaho
Suddenly: VIOLENCE
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I would play in that campaign setting.
FancyShark
hahahaha
"This must be their leader!"
<charges>
gellaho
I say damnable all the time as a joke, it's nice to see someone use it seriously
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
They do have wizards
gellaho
So much gooey gore
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Billy Catz tried it and didn't die, he must be onto something!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Damnable? Lovecraft stealing his lexicon from Jakes too. Poor Jakes is the most plagiarized author in history!
gellaho
Plume prudently letting all his men die while he dances around them
FancyShark
If the hood is transparent, it doesn't really work for imagery
LyraV
The dying scree is the hardest.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Did catto really "i want a turn!" This laser fight?
gellaho
Just so much getting hit in the head
FancyShark
Plume barks prudent, unintelligible commands
GDC
"Mom said you have to share the gun"
gellaho
This laser gun seems poorly designed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
So it....discharges waste heat......backward? That is 40k as fuck.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
An entire series of pages somehow less dignified than this single still shot
gellaho
"I may have lost fifty men, but I captured one of you! Nah-nah"
FancyShark
Plume would gesture a condolence signal to their surviving families
gellaho
MayamayamayamayaMayaMaYaMAYAMAYA
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
I'm not sure if I could tell when a lizardman is miming sarcastically
FancyShark
BOYKA BOYKA
oh wait
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
MayamayamayamayamayamayamayamayaBATMAAAAN!!
Brendan
loooooving youuuu
is easy because you're beautiful MAYAMAYAMAYA
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
earsplitting screech
gellaho
Wait, how many does he have?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Magus loses track of his daughter alot, huh?
FancyShark
Even his backup mustaches are ruffled
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He must have at least two, a mustache and an exostache.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
gellaho
It's hard to be poetic when you have to say Hans Huygens
GDC
If you're using the name Hans Huygens, stick to alliterative verse
FancyShark
You need to remember to scream HANS HUYGENS like a German having a heart attack, regardless of the tone or context of the rest of the sentence
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
As Hans Huygens once said; "sputtering, coughing, choking on own blood, death rattle"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Strangely the buildings were arranged so that the wind played a woodwind arrangement of Evanescence's Wake Me Up.
gellaho
Pipes.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It's more of a series of tubes.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Huh I was joking a little but the cityflute theory is gaining traction.
gellaho
But, how many tall men tall is the tower?
FancyShark
They were throwing spears at the heroes less than an hour ago
gellaho
Okay, seriously, what the fuck is going on with this guy's facial hair
FancyShark
Now they have skyscrapers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It's a Brother's market right now
gellaho
Well, these are the buildings left behind by the mighty Eastman-Kodak family
FancyShark
ohhhhh
gellaho
Those are just irradiated workers. I assume.
Otherwise I don't know what they were doing here in the first place
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Just chillin
GDC
The brothers are workers that fell into vats of film developing chemicals
Brendan
90% of this book is just people grimacing at each other, right?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
So is 90% of reading it
gellaho
THE TIME FOR MUMMERY HAS PASSED
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
AWAY WITH THIS MUMMER'S FARCE
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Man I was so disappointed when I found out that mummery had nothing to do with mummies.
FancyShark
"Only that bitch Maya mattered now."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
yeah our custom is really dying out
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mummering
gellaho
I enjoy that this sad, fat man and his posse of flamboyantly dressed bodyguards are masters of stealth
gellaho
Excuse me, arrogant bitch
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Me and the boys
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Pardon?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
These people dont really understand that thongs are for making your ass look voloptuous.
gellaho
Excuse me, arrogant little bitch
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Perfect
gellaho
Everyone steals from John Jakes including Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The most influential novelist in history
Brendan
I love books where any random page is people talking about what they're going to do and what's going on.
FancyShark
It's like the old writing rule: Plan, don't show
gellaho
If only there were some kind of less awkward way to say neck-chain
gellaho
FancyShark
He knew because HIS DAUGHTER IS GONE
gellaho
I was the one begging for you in the bathhouse, wizard
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The yellow booted bravos start snickering to themselves.
gellaho
Well, they did something
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Wizard" really undercuts his whole rant there. It's one of those words you can't stay mad when you say it. Like "bubbles".
"Blood squirted" is just. Such a powerful sentence fragment
gellaho
Lips curled, nasty.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
This parley went quite badly.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Hey, there's a subject and a verb.
Brendan
Please, Bravo is my father. My friends call me sex predator.
gellaho
Well, a rape threat will do that
And they were having such a pleasant time
GDC
The boots clattered because they were practicing their tap dance routine
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
If the Brothers just sit and wait they will have far fewer dipshits to deal with.
gellaho
So anyway, that guy gets murdered so hard it instantly attracts maggots
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Those flies work fast.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He had parasites
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
She was just a'burstin' with fast-hatching eggs.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Space beetles waste no time.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It's a bottom-feeder's market
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Or maybe he was pregnant
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Can strip a corpse in seconds.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Nature's chop shop
GDC
He was just snacking on live carrion bugs moments earlier
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Still hauling that sword.
gellaho
Behold: the wonders of the factory floor
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Ave Mechanicum!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
So a factory with assembly line?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
fast paced plinky music from a 50's informational short about working in a car factory
gellaho
The ole mammoth shed
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Mammoths are critical to space labor.
GDC
This is the polaroid planet where all the polaroids are made
Brendan
a mammoth shed-like building
so like a warehouse?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Look, they don't have a basis for the concept, it seems.
Brendan
A coppery metal
Bronze?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Think it's copper?
FancyShark
That's a weird name for a giant shed the size of a building made to house wares
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
There's a world! Going on! Under ground!
Brendan
how you gonna see those vats with thousands of pipes surrounding them?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
More of a mammothshed, really
gellaho
What light through what yonder parabolic dish breaks? It is the scree, and lizard men are the Brothers
FancyShark
We few. We band of SCREE SCREE
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
For the first time on Broadway, it's The Band of Brothers and their Scree-Scree Chorus!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Something something St SCREEspins Day.
gellaho
Oh, no! They've got the flashbulbs!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He keeps talking about hauling out this sword like it's the fucking Buster Sword.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"OH FUCK THE POWER OF FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY! FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE CATTO!"
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
They're flashbulbs.
FancyShark
Are they attacking with floor lamps?
gellaho
Bulb-lights
LyraV
they took fuzzy poorly framed shots and Magus just couldn't handle it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
No!! NO!! NOT MY BAD SIDE!!!
FancyShark
One Brother used a bulb and the target was epileptic and they thought they'd found a doomsday weapon
gellaho
Just swing wildly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Looks like a job for Ringo Spellshades.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Chitin, that very lizardy material
gellaho
Smelled the smell, very descriptive
GDC
Alien, that's a familiar smell
FancyShark
Make sure to tell them they're hideous, Magus. Aliens love that.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
They smell like Old Spice and cinnamon.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
For I have smelled a smelly smell, beyond the isle of Skye;
I saw a fat mage lose a fight, and I think that man was I
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
All I can think of are the draconians in Dragonlance who wore hooded robes and bandaged hands.
gellaho
Slit-like mouth, or: "mouth"
FancyShark
"Also, we can speak your language. You're a shitty father."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
You get this a lot when you're desecrating holy places.
gellaho
Simon Hawke has lip moistening, John Jakes has lip gnawing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"We have heard the stories from the one called MAYMAYAMAYAMAYA."
"We know about the scarves and are not impressed."
FancyShark
Please. Conquer the lizardmen with colorful scarves
hahaha, dammit
scooped
Brendan
This book is so instructive in how to write at things rather than about them.
GDC
"We are familiar with these card tricks"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Oh shit this is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!
gellaho
Time for some more head bashing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Magus is gonna teach the Brothers the meaning of Christmas and shit.
gellaho
"Okay, but you aren't allowed to laugh"
FancyShark
You idiots don't know what a SWORD is?!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Magus Blacklaw."
"Hahahah. No your real one, not your nerd name."
gellaho
They only understand camera-related technology
And spears
And transparent membranes?
Hmm....I'm beginning to thing this doesn't make sense
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The lost secrets of the great wizard Zip-Loc!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Fine. My real name is Melvos Purvulator XXI."
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Nay, it was the great alchemist Saran!
gellaho
You would think being released from it's plastic wrap for a couple of weeks this book wouldn't still smell like tobacco
Nope
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
And not the nice, sweet-smelling kind I bet.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
lol for some reason the book being kind of stinky is just really funny and appropriate to me.
gellaho
Yep, yep. Promontory. I definitely know what that is
FancyShark
Gellaho catches the book grabbing a smoke from the corner of his eye
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It's the best track from the Last of the Mohicans ost
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He wrote this while at a seafood restaurant staring at a little cup of drawn butter.
gellaho
It's entirely possible we have too many words for this
gellaho
"Naze"
FancyShark
"Promontories of Dover" doesn't have the same ring to it
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
It's a fishing community thing. Like the innu and words for snow.
GDC
We know what was on Jakes's word of the day calendar when he wrote that page.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The Irish just used to name things after lady bits and I think we should return to that naming convention. Promontories are now........land clits.
WikiFeet Ramb$ne
OK but Promontory fucks so much harder than Pride Rock
gellaho
Let me hear it from the back! I know you love this one!
Ten times as tall as a man!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
As a tall man or a short man?
GDC
So one spaceship tall, then
FancyShark
"How tall is he?"
"As tall as a tall man!"
gellaho
Trippy
FancyShark
I hope Jakes meant the actual pupils and not the irises, because even without internet he could have looked that up
gellaho
Pink orifices shaped like mouths, or: "mouths"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The Brothers psychoactive pheromones are beginning to work.
gellaho
8 Mile
LyraV
Dude you're a narcissist just tell them.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Motherfucker when Mushroom Yog Sothoth asks your name, answer. You're being rude.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He's sweating and looking at wet, pink mouths...
FancyShark
"Please use the nearby squirt bottle on us! We can't blink! It's raw agony!"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
A normal night at the club after taking just a skosh too much LSD.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Just haul out your sword and start lopping pocket pussies.
gellaho
Not the promontory!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He'll make a fortune on Space Ebay.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
POCKET PUSSIES RIPPED MY FLESH
Wait. The fucking sun just fell out of the sky??
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
I'm suddenly reminded of a song I once heard that I do not know the name or artist of nor any of the words except "watch the sun fuck the ocean."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Magus I think you better whip out those scarves and colored powders because I dont think a sword is gonna help you against the mind bending plant chorus.
gellaho
Uh oh
FancyShark
The Hauntplace is one volcano short of a DIO album cover
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh god, it's Shunting like in Society. Get outta there, Magus!
Brendan
Names are power, don't tell it!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He took some acid and stumbled into a sex toy shop.
Brendan
When does Darth Vader step out and turn out to have his face?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
"I knew I never should have dropped acid in P-town!"
gellaho
Growing the hole closed
FancyShark
And immediately devoured by maggots
gellaho
I'll bet it was dank
FancyShark
The escape hatch of unconsciousness. Jakes is a poet laureate
gellaho
I'm glad we're sticking with this full man-measurement system
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Going unconscious in this place is how you end up with plants growing into your dickhole and asshole, Magus.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Ah.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Men are all the same height, right?
FancyShark
The last sentence of this book is going to be Magus's actual height so readers will feel compelled to read again with the knowledge they've gained.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I think when you use the manheight based system you measure from the most historically relevant man available.
gellaho
Behold the lightning mammoth
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
FancyShark
The Hauntplace is better than the entire book leading up to it
gellaho
And instead of just using mammoth the noun, he used mammoth the adjective
Then described what a mammoth looks like
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
You don't get to use mammoth as a size adjective while describedan yeah scooped
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh Jakes. Never change.
Brendan
About the size of a shed.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You have to give Jakes credit, he is very innovative as an author.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
How many giraffes tall was it?
gellaho
Probably should have used an actual sword and not a pool noodle
FancyShark
5.3 men talls worth
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The kind of shed a tall man would build?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You know, a dappled mammoth would be pretty neat.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Sky erupts x3
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Giggling because I dated a girl named Sky.
gellaho
Damn you, Wile E Coyote!
FancyShark
All of this because he couldn't admit he's a stage magician
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He's been huffing the photo developing chemicals, hasn't he.
They just locked him in the darkroom.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Nobody should ever HAVE to admit they're a stage magician.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
He's hopped up on fixer.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The Hauntplace kind of rules.
Brendan
We end here with Magus swearing at children to drink their ovaltine so they can escape the Kodak-IBM Ruins' sewerage manholes
gellaho
It's like some kind of
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And we avoided this future by switching to digital cameras.
Brendan
This entire planet is a camera, right?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Smile! You're on Candid Camera!
gellaho
Old DEP
GDC
This is the Kodachrome Forge World
LyraV
We call it the DEPP for short.
Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
eastman kodak
EASKOD
gellaho
Figured that out last week, but welcome to the club
For full reference
Brendan
Yeah but I haven't been here because work is stupid.
FancyShark
We have missed you
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
For the record no one else called Arsgrat as being MGM so if it comes out they're an entertainment consortium I win Book Cage forever
gellaho
He very slowly deconstructs the entire holographic projection
LyraV
Anything is better than my fish joke about the East Cod.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I think if you win Book Cage like that you are just Cask of Amontilladoed in Simon Hawke novels.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A hero's death
gellaho
I think you can figure it out from the words used, Magus
gellaho
Have you read my will?
FancyShark
So not one person ever sent to the Hauntplace ever terror-flailed and snagged a loose cable in the planet's entire history?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
LyraV
I'm concerned he just fell asleep playing Bioshock Infinite
gellaho
You expect more from Hans Huygens?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I just kind of assumed you were going to create a tomb\library for yourself when you felt the time was close.
GDC
They found the AV Club room
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
is magus gonna use this place to go full Oz?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
God I hope so.
FancyShark
That would kind of rule
Brendan
You think Gellaho isn't aiming for that kind of cyborg-viking funeral?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Is that what we're building to?
gellaho
Loathsome snakish suppleness
Brendan
My point ðŸĻ
FancyShark
By "internal secretions", he means earwax
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The Gellaho Memorial Bibliocrypt.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
there was something loathesome about those creepy scaly fucks
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jakes apparently not on the "snakes are cool" train, sad.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The book cage was for him all along
gellaho
Magus goes to rescue Catto. During said rescue, Catto almost gets a spear up the ass
FancyShark
The first person in the book to think to use the pointy end of the spear and they decide on sodomy
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
One of the Brothers is named Vlad the SCREEpaler.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Almost? The narration itself says he's about to get his guts rearranged and not in the fun way
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
I can't believe the same man who named a character Catto also invented Magus Blacklaw and Tingo Motherfucking Spellhands
LyraV
He tried to hitch himself to WHAT to go faster?
To get out of the way? You don't hitch yourself anywhere
FancyShark
And Mongoose!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I think that means he did that move where you clench your ass cheeks and sidestep.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Really he could go nowhere but down after Maxmillion Dragonard. Tingo was just a fluke, dude's lost his fastball
FancyShark
Dodge roll?
gellaho
He has multiple red mustaches if that helps
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"got yer nose!"
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
They do not
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Nah you have to keep your ass loose or your legs lock in a dodge roll.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The ass loose shouldn't be a problem actually...
gellaho
Excuse me? Philosopher Arko Lantzman
FancyShark
The only way the multiple mustaches works in my head is if they're stacked. So you have the normal stache, then another immediately below it
gellaho
Anyway, YOU ARE THE MAGIC
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Of course
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If your ass gets too lose you just end up with a fat roll though.
Ozzie
He's every Ghostbuster's name put together.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Or one has a bigger and harder mustache on the outside, like a hermit crab.
FancyShark
YOU ARE THE POWER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
ðŸ˜ģðŸŦĩ
FancyShark
hahahahaha, wait
gellaho
Always on the right side, this Magus Blacklaw
FancyShark
Their hiding spot was behind the most conspicuous structure on the planet?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Stan Bush, Space Lizard.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It stiffened as it died. This is context you did not want or need but now you must live with it always.
LyraV
aaw the screes have seen the full life cycle now they're enfeebled
gellaho
Count with Magus Blacklaw
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Okay fair is fair, "Because I wanted to." is an okay reason to me.
FancyShark
Ah ah ah!
25!
Ah ah ah!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Catto is fully erect at the sight of his family's corporation
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Yeah he fucking would be, the freak
FancyShark
Signage gets him rock hard
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Didn't need to spell itout at the end, jacks, we got it
gellaho
My phlegmatic companion
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hey Magus, you should kill this guy, he's weird.
And chances are he's gonna kill you.
Or try anyway.
FancyShark
You mean try again?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He's a stage magician, he only gets along with weirdos
FancyShark
Because he already tried on the ship
gellaho
John Jakes gets bored with his own description of scarves
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
But is Magus one man tall???
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Ooooh, how many men has he bound with silks?
gellaho
Thousand
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And only charged a ha'credit! Very affordable.
gellaho
Catto Mr. Maggoes his way into danger
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Some people have to pay a threecred for that.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Which is odd because my impression of this text is that this is more Magus's schtick
gellaho
Don't you hate it when that happens?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
It's those little touches that really make you check how many pages are left
FancyShark
No maggots for this injury?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Its some kind of desert beetle eating his foot.
gellaho
Deadly scarves
gellaho
gellaho
A stink of excitement
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
D&D troglodytes confirmed.
FancyShark
Magus 47
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Its good for him they dont breathe thru their skin.
gellaho
And get one last dick kick in there before death
LyraV
Let's put aside all that stuff I was angry about earlier in a very healthy emotional fashion.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yay reunion.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
This is why we established their dicks isnt it?
gellaho
Good news: Robin still sucks at everything
gellaho
But at least he got bandaged up with her panties
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I'm glad we only experienced the aftermath of this sideplot and were never shown what they were going through
FancyShark
Robin's headwound count must be off the charts if he got here alone
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Man I think it would be more sanitary to just let a cut be rather than bandage it with undies but I'm not a space barbarian.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Showing up to meet her dad wearing some of her underclothes is a power move
gellaho
New Maya characterization: Wolverine healing
FancyShark
I guess those face bruises were from crying too hard
gellaho
And then spin the Maya character roulette wheel. Next page:
LyraV
A smile from the Nard is worth a thousand words.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
!) Bring her dad a bottle of fine whiskey
2) when he shakes your hand, lean in and whisper "I'm wearing her panties right now."
3) ???
4) happy relationship.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And a sample from the Nard is worth a thousand scrobbles
FancyShark
Which is about how many it takes for Jakes to describe it
gellaho
Magus decides it'd be a good idea to leave. Catto has a weird breakdown
Brendan
Sorry gang, turns out it's hard to do this and also scroll through a movie frame by frame. What's the sitrep?
FancyShark
Magus found his daughter and Dragonard
Dragonard has an injured arm and is using the daughter's panties as a sling
Maya hit her head on the sidewalk
LyraV
We've all become deeply obsessed with Dragonard. Mostly me.
Brendan
He's assembling a stupid cosmic Avengers in these books, isn't he?
gellaho
Magus, are you going to argue that he's not insane?
FancyShark
And a family dynasty with the House of Dragonard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The Dragonard Cinematic Universe
gellaho
Probably mostly that
I'm assuming the last book has nothing to do with anything that happened here. Much as this has almost nothing to do with that first book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jakes doesnt know what a trilogy is but is going to write one anyway.
gellaho
Great time for a nap
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Wizard. Your.........uh.........your staff has a knob on the end, if you get my drift. Do you need a minute?"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Popping a boner while your daughter's head is on your leg. Hall of Fame dad right here
gellaho
Unmanly!
Brendan
Florida Wizard Arrested in Camera-World Incest Incident
Ozzie
This is going to pop into my head the next time I cry at something and I won't be able to prevent it.
Brendan
It's actually okay because she's the spitting image of her mother, and he never raised her, see?
gellaho
Lassitudinally count with Magus Blacklaw
gellaho
The glee of counting!
Brendan
"A huge shudder of tiredness worked over Magus." Goddamn, belabor a verb.
Start with "Magus shuddered" and work your way up, guy.
Like i can appreciate when you're fatigued the shudder having control over you might make it the subject but come on.
FancyShark
Jakes had three pages and was told "that's not a novel". And something snapped.
LyraV
I'm just thankful he stopped hitching around.
gellaho
I was going to tell you to respect a living legend, but
Bad news
Brendan
ooooof we killed him
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
His wife who
GDC
My condolences
gellaho
Dr Ellen is my favorite
Brendan
This was a magic spell and I do NOT appreciate being involved in it without my knowledge.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
he did not name his child "Dr. Ellen"
gellaho
Hey, it was one day after I started reading this book
Not my fault
Brendan
Have joke. Father and son in terrible accident. Father dies on scene. Son brought to hospital. Surgeon, world-class. Freezes up. "Cannot operate. The patient is my brother." How is this possible?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Maybe he did. It worked for Dr. Doctor Bliss.
Brendan
Dr. was a woman. Great joke. All laugh. Curtains.
gellaho
So anyway, these idiots know he's a fake magician but they are still frightened by his tricks
FancyShark
Robin, you know he's on your side, right?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
St. Elmo ain't got shit on Magus Blacklaw
Brendan
See THIS is the kind of concise, active writing I've been begging for.
gellaho
So, they go back to the Center for Audiovisual Demonstration to bedevil the Brothers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
what a bunch of CADs
gellaho
And I've gotta check the original printing to see if "The is lunatic" is in there
Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
One loss joke and im done
Brendan
Just humorless guys growling "Mind your tongue" and "Do as I say."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The is lunatic!
gellaho
OK, that's not really better
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Future slang is just using nouns as adjectives
LyraV
Someone please kick this guy in the shins, just once you can spend 5000 nonsensical words describing it but let it happen.
Brendan
wait...do you have two copies?
THE IS LUNATIC
gellaho
I ordered the cover with the naked lady and they sent me the first printing
Which I find dull
GDC
Yeah, the naked lady on the dragon is way better
gellaho
It's also in like 6 point font
LyraV
'The angry redhead hitched herself sideways and kicked Magus in the shins as he curtly tried to tell her to stop being hysterical and step aside.' there i feel better now.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
ahahaha is that supposed to be Plume on the cover?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Thats an alright bit of art for a page in a Players Handbook from 1987, but its not a naked lady being tied upside down to a dragon.
gellaho
Drumma-drum
FancyShark
Drum drumma-drum drum
gellaho
Adjust your girdle before battle
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Just like the Bible taught ya
GDC
He's putting the championship belt on before defending the title
gellaho
Lightening
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Battle girdles are very comfortable and practical.
FancyShark
"His dumb, distended white eyes"
gellaho
The high-pitched and quavering voice of a leader
LyraV
Plume adjusted his horn helmet to an appropriately fancy angle for such an occasion.
gellaho
Union
Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters
you can tell he was proud of that one
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Goddammit he's gonna defeat the mutant horde with a movie projector, this is fucking Ralph Bakshi's Wizards!
gellaho
Just like an IT guy wiring up the company ethernet
GDC
Yeah some of those cable trays have wicked burrs on them
gellaho
Another thief
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
I look forward to the rest of your fanfic
gellaho
Stealing from our fallen king
When the Star Kings die, indeed
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He forgot to click play.
Needs to refresh the browser so the buffering will restart.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Has he tried turning the star projector off and on again?
gellaho
Boy, he is having a hell of a time wiring this system up
gellaho
Gore?
LyraV
the screes have given way to the Clicka-whirrs
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
hahaha I don't have nearly this much trouble figuring out which of my HDMI cables need plugged back in
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hey Magus? I dont think this machine will work all that well if you give it a blood sacrifice.
GDC
Works for my printer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah but printers are demonic anyway, what else could toner be made of?
gellaho
The words of the day are mammoth and promontory
FancyShark
You have clearly never worked with Vista
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"And so the space charlatan wizard frightened the locals until they gave up their land and moved into the inhospitable desert so his insane murderer friend could do things with it."
gellaho
You really, really want to make your climax happen on a porch. It adds gravitas
Brendan
See a better writer would have said "The light from a star the size of a shed shuddered over them from above in the sky where it hung."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And that's why we have turkey and football in November!
GDC
Check out @Brendan , thinking Jakes needs an editor
FancyShark
@Brendan 's going to go to Jakes' grave, build a shed over it, and refuse to answer anyone who asks why
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Galaxy II celebrates it with Turkeyball and foot.
GDC
How man cubic tallmen will the shed be?
gellaho
Through what yonder projector breaks? It is the Earth-shaker, and Plume is the wheedler.
LyraV
Slitmouths in Silent Supplication is an intense band name
Brendan
What man doesn't dream of a mammoth obelisk atop his bones?
I am Ozymandias Jakes
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
I'm assuming now that the sun is mammoth shaped
gellaho
Sarasota's only 2.5 hours away
Brendan
Gellaho, how far is this guy's grave in your giant state? You should leave a nice little tchotchke on his tomb so his family knows he hs fans.
Dang, scooped in a whole new fashion.
FancyShark
Leave a pic of FuckApe
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
In fairness, it takes time to spell tchotchke
Brendan
Leave a Kodak camera and a thong
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
This is a really awkward time to reveal gellaho's been working on FuneralApe
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
And some dragon nards
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
A pair of exquisitely worked crystal studded hands.
gellaho
Of a sudden
Brendan
Just a 3D printed sign that says When the Star Kings Die, their legends live on...FOREVER!!!"
LyraV
'Dragonard Forever' embroidered neatly and framed.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
a framed gellaho face, no context
gellaho
Squarrwk
LyraV
scree breeding is getting out of hand
FancyShark
Wearily dismiss your blood enemy like a haggard parent craving a nap
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"No, fuck you. The plain sucks. I am beginning to think your magic sucks too, because I'm not dead. I have a pointy stick here that says you ain't magic."
gellaho
The knob-like prominence, or: "knob"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
a scree of rage
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"secretion" what....like blood?
You know they still have blood, right?"
Brendan
annnnndThor is DONE at last.
gellaho
Plume's shaft grazed his chest
FancyShark
Jakes wanted to make it weird
gellaho
you were saying
LyraV
fuck yeah, well done
FancyShark
I see I spoke too soon
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Oh this was Dick Fight Island rules the whole time.
Brendan
time to eat corned beef
gellaho
Porch eulogy
LyraV
Hahaha I fucking forgot they were on the porch
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Way to fuck the lizard leader to death, Magus.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most
...
human."
/lightly toes corpse off the edge of the porch
FancyShark
If it wasn't so obvious this was supposed to be heartfelt, Magus's little speech would be the coldest shit you could say to a dying enemy
GDC
Magus grabbed Plume's Knob Device
gellaho
Something warned him? How about 800 somethings
LyraV
Magus lit a citronella candle to keep the mosquitos at bay.
FancyShark
Magus is starting to suspect the unhinged thrill killer might be untrustworthy
gellaho
But, he goes along to the spire with Catto anyway. And without any weapons, they encounter the Philosopher
FancyShark
In Arko's case, it was drawn in butter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Arko has had the best time of anyone in this whole book. he hasn't even needed to do anything yet
gellaho
Catto masturbates a spear
FancyShark
Actual masturbatory prose
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He knows how to work the shaft
gellaho
Back to it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
hahaha holy shit Jakes
GDC
He continued: "unfff"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah work that shaft.
gellaho
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a spear has more range than even two knives
LyraV
He thought long and hard about Voltaire.
FancyShark
The range on the spear shrinks significantly once Catto finishes it
gellaho
Gasp
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I saw Goody Catto with the devil!
gellaho
John Jakes really challenging for the lip throne, I gotta say
There is so much I haven't even shared
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
pft i can't believe he's trying to trick magus into thinking poor innocent catto was up to mischief. As if
gellaho
But was merely a pump fake!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The only pumps we haven't faked yet came from Catto fingering that spear
gellaho
If only there were some kind of sign
FancyShark
For once, I agree with the murderous psychopath
gellaho
Being really fucking coy with the cursing in this book
GDC
You should at least be imaginative enough to come up with some interesting space swears.
gellaho
Dingus
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Star bastard
FancyShark
Space jerk
gellaho
New entry for strangest paragraph
LyraV
Universe Creep
FancyShark
Sometimes it's like Jakes is just rubbing the lack of an editor in our faces
gellaho
Well, I didn't know this book was going to get sexy at the end
FancyShark
Smash cut to orgy
GDC
Sexual Hunger Cube is a great name for a math rock band
LyraV
Um....is this going where I THINK it's going?
I sure hope so.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Of course I know where it fits. Incidentally you might want to wash your hands after touching that."
GDC
Today Jakes's calendar said 'cube'.
gellaho
I don't think it would take fifty years to search a two hundred floor building
gellaho
If it took even two hundred days I'd be surprised
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Depends on whether or not the elevators are out
FancyShark
This is back when computers took up entire floors. You could just wait for sunset and look at which floors have something blocking light through the windows
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I'll show you the secret for a ha'credit
gellaho
Aw, yeah, gettin' moist
gellaho
And dry
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jesus christ, Jakes.
gellaho
The moistest eyes in the universe
gellaho
And the deadest of meats
LyraV
Ooof. Nope not where I was hoping it was going. That's what I get.
gellaho
WHO COULDST HAVE FORESEEN
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
That's what fanfic is for
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
hahaha the big bad gets defeated by fucking turning around?
fuck you, Jakes.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Catto is the big bad
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Though I did have points on Catto ramming Lantzmann from behind
gellaho
What with being a sociopathic murderer
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
The man is a saint
gellaho
Such a dignified death
GDC
"He farted for 2 solid minutes"
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He died like he lived
Crying
FancyShark
And fat
GDC
"some pee came out too"
LyraV
with only half a boner
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
We start and end with a fat man expiring slowly from fatal wounds. I appreciate the symmetry.
gellaho
I guess Catto knows the Vulcan nerve pinch? Otherwise, no fucking idea what happened here
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
why does he need the nerve pinch when he can just go "hey turn around real quick" and people will fall for it
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Maya just fainted out of womanliness
gellaho
Behold: glasses
gellaho
But how many tall men tall was it!?
FancyShark
Ancient technology since the discovery of Sight Slugs
gellaho
That is a pretty queer cut
FancyShark
"So no one knew his name?"
"No. It's Unknown. Says it right here on the nameplate."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A story tall, so probably about the height of this book I'd say
GDC
How could you read that description and think of anyone except Steve Kodak?
gellaho
Face-first athwart
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
so sad that Steve Kodak died of ligma
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
who's tingo spellhands?
LyraV
He lives on in our hearts.
gellaho
George Eastman. I guess Kodak was just made up
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
tingo balls
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
GIF
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I genuinely thought Kodak was another company that they merged with. Shows what I know
gellaho
Fuck, OK, sure man
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Room: The Page
gellaho
All I got out of that was marble chairs
It kind of reminds me of the hippy chamber from the end of Time Blender
LyraV
Magus then realized he had somehow fallen into the 70's version of the TARDIS
gellaho
Count with Magus Blacklaw
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Every great scifi novel takes a break during the climax so the author can describe a big setpiece
gellaho
Live.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Live!
FancyShark
LIIIIIIVVVVVE!
gellaho
HAHAHA HAHAHA! YES!
GDC
To be fair I reacted the same way the first time I successfully booted Linux
FancyShark
I do this whenever I reboot my phone
gellaho
Stuff certainly is happening
To what end? Dunno
FancyShark
Kodak Doomsday Laser
LyraV
This is a very fancy way of saying you opened up a jewelry box after winding it up.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
red eyes the whole galaxy
GDC
He just started up the Factorio factory
gellaho
More counting!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Pardon, the whole Galaxy II
GDC
They're going to be drowning in cameras
gellaho
Extendable silver nippers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If Kodak could do all this why the fuck couldn't they switch to digital
FancyShark
Too costly
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
This will lead to so many lizardman upskirts
FancyShark
Planet-wide holograms were cheaper
gellaho
Screen! Screen? Screen.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Screen!!!
FancyShark
Thrill as the villain browses desktop wallpapers
gellaho
Catto took someone telling him to eat shit too literally
LyraV
Thrill as you surf the internet for the very first time.
gellaho
Magus still thinks Catto might be sane
gellaho
Let me fuck your daughter. OK, wait. Wait. But hear me out though.
FancyShark
GIF
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Listen, just let me keep your daughter as a sex slave-- now I know that sounds bad, but just hear me out man, I got it all figured out--"
LyraV
I'd like to just go to sleep and wake up and the whole child bearing thing be over with.
FancyShark
This is what every father imagines when meeting a daughter's date
gellaho
Magus, again father of the century, considers the offer
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Tbh I would have much preferred Catto just ask Magus to turn around and for that to have been the end of it
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Kodak wronged Jakes in some way
gellaho
John Jakes is just writing in a fugue state at this point
LyraV
'at this point'
gellaho
They really fucked up developing some precious family memories
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
hahah is Catto having a stroke?
gellaho
Chekhov's scarf
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Time for a life hack!
gellaho
Or, nevermind, they just leave
FancyShark
Exciting stuff is hard. This is much easier.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Catto being unusually calm and reasonable there
gellaho
"Hey, man, he may have threatened to murder all of us, killed some people, and threatened to impregnate my daughter, but don't throw stones"
FancyShark
Book deadline must've crept up on him
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I'll say this for him, if this is a shared universe Jakes is building, he really nailed Magus as the Iron Man
GDC
They left Billy Cats to his polaroid factory
gellaho
Imagine the stench, reader
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Like decades of cigarettes melded to paperback pulp, I reckon
LyraV
Oh believe me Jakes, I already understood the stench of Magus.
gellaho
At the skysled, the last of The Philosopher's bodyguards stabs Magus
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Yay!
FancyShark
ðŸĨģ
gellaho
"Eh, whatever, man" - Magus
FancyShark
The story reviews itself
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Is it really happening?
Is he really dying?
A happy ending??
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
He was stabbed to death, outside a macdonalds
FancyShark
So yeah, happy ending
gellaho
A whole two lines of tension
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
FUCK
FancyShark
DAMMIT
gellaho
Time for some melon sleep
LyraV
Thank you Graphos and goodnight.
FancyShark
"It was a great action scene. You should have been there."
gellaho
Vroom vroom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
They followed the think-machine's master plan
Designed and directed by its red right hand
gellaho
"I almost just died and we're entering orbit, this may be the worst time to ask"
FancyShark
"Oh shit. You brought Maya in, right?"
"No, I thought you did."
"I left her on the roof of the ship!"
gellaho
Mounteback
GDC
Magus is regretting drinking all the booze on the ship on the way there.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Cuz I ain't no mounteback gurrrl
gellaho
Perfect time for a sexual fantasy
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the maggots have settled in to his neck
gellaho
And nap time
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam
Catto's genocidal star empire would last a century
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What a line to end on
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
That's right. Catto was the hero all along.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Booooo
FancyShark
Maya and Robin would give birth to a healthy 12 pound concussion
LyraV
truths light felt pretty meh about the whole thing really
gellaho
We have defeated The Planet Wizard
FancyShark
We did it!
That was incredibly painful
Thank you, @gellaho !
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What a step down from the madcap whimsy of the first book.
But I'm glad we caged this sucker, it deserved it
LyraV
It was a truly a journey thank you everyone for taking it with me
GDC
Hooray for feudalism, I guess?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Thanks again, gellaho & gang!
gellaho
So concludes the 91st Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
And RIP to my man John Jakes
FancyShark
ðŸŦ—
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
John Jakes, novelist and Ballard Street character
LyraV
bwahahaha YES
GDC
He even has the pants