91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes

#2 Dragonard

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Which would decide the fate of Galaxy II - sorcery or science? Or, Magus Blacklaw - a false wizard trying to perform a miracle.

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gellaho: The Book Cage Episode 91 - The Planet Wizard; Johnathon Jacobs is back at it again in II Galaxy. This time our main character is Magus Blacklaw, fake wizard extraordinaire. He and his daughter are on the run from angry bailiffs on the planet Pastora. What does all this have to do with Maximillian Dragonard and the Heart Flag army? I guess we'll just have to find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fuck yes! Fuck yes!!; If this book had just been called Planet Wizard even better. But still!
gellaho: Somehow this is the first book I've gotten that smells like cigarettes; But, it is much better than the original cover
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tbh the original cover kinda fucks
Podcast Reference Thrillho: I can't even tell where he is. The ocean?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The cosmic mists
gellaho: Also, the smallest font I've seen. So small that second one is 80 pages longer
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Also hard confirmation that it's Galaxy 2
Ninja Grid Javo: Hello, my name is reginald mccloak and I hope you like my fuck lizard
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: That lady does not look upset to be on the fuck lizard.
gellaho: You probably would need to actually go dumber with the fake name; The first book had names such as Jeremy Lynx, Maximillian Dragonard, and Tingo Spellhands
Ninja Grid Javo: I hope Tingo Spellhands didnt know magic
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He didn't, his fingertips were just LEDs; Also he trafficked child slaves but don't worry so much about that, the book sure didn't
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Otherwise he seemed pretty cool.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Pobody's nerfect
gellaho: Little under an hour until The Planet Wizard. Two copies, two previews. Are either helpful? Absolutely not
gellaho
FancyShark: Not since Joe Hardy has a skull survived so much trauma
Ozzie: I don't know why you would type "myriads of inhabitants" instead of "myriad inhabitants" unless you were really desperate for a word count.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I can't wait for the Lords of The Exchange to only figure into the plot in like the last quarter of the book again
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I might actually get to participate at least until I have to make dinner, as I'm currently being a pillow for a sick kiddo.
gellaho: I've only looked at the first thirty pages, but dudes are taking a lot of shots in this; I also have no idea how I'm not going to share every single word of the first thirty pages
FancyShark: Do it. We can break this into a multi-part read again
gellaho: It is somehow both better written, but with more typos and bizarre word choices; The action is clearer though, which is nice
gellaho: Once more unto the Jakes
FancyShark: "Do I have something on my face?"
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The ducking stool took a turn once they ran out of wood in Galaxy 2.
gellaho: Hilariously the cover art to the 1969 edition was done by Jeff Jones
Agent of SVVERVED: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
gellaho: Jeff Jones and John Jakes
Agent of SVVERVED: Geoff Johns?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: J'onn J'onzz?
FancyShark: Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was unavailable
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jon Jollheim
GDC: Jacob Jotenheim
gellaho: Glittering Technologic Webwork
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Home 1 and 2 Galaxy. We really ran out of passable place names
Agent of SVVERVED: i zoned out halfway through the first sentence
FancyShark: Folk-memory is like volatile memory, but it has all these boring stories about how inexpensive things used to be
gellaho: Suck that power, baby
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I could believe splitting and burning it, but wracking it too!?!; How could they ever recover
GDC: that just seems excessive
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It cut the planet wars short by five years and saved thousands of lives
gellaho: So, here's where the band aid gets ripped off
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Team Threem til I die baybeeee
gellaho: We are two generations in the future, and multiple nuclear holocausts
FancyShark: 🤌
gellaho: So, the ending of that last book where Maximillian Dragonard rode off with the reduced forces of the Heart Flag?
FancyShark: Just a sumptuous banquet of names we don't need
gellaho: Forget all that
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "If you get rid of capitalist kleptocracy the galaxy will descend into barbarous anarchy!!", wailed Jake Johns at his typewriter, confident overwrought exposition would do the work of nuance
gellaho: We are now on a fake farm planet
gellaho: The Prime Managers are dead, long live the mystics
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Old Dragonard had a farm, E I E I O
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: can you have a flyover planet?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Sure you can. We're on one right now.
gellaho: maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark: Earth is the Midwest of the galaxy? That does explain all the corn
gellaho: You know how you'd name a planet of demons Lightmark
Agent of SVVERVED: lotta quality keyboard smash names
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Demon-fear and demon-hate are my strongest emotions
FancyShark: MULTIPLE holocausts. Because I guess they were on a roll
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The men in monks' robes, is the thing
FancyShark: Such simple monks
gellaho: Cue Star Wars theme
FancyShark: His face, name and history are all "Wait"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So Dragonard got to sire his own house and we don't even get to see it?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Magus Blacklaw
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: How very Conan of him.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You gotta give it to him, he picks fantastic names.
gellaho: We join The Adventures of Magus Blacklaw, already in progress
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Blacklaw, Blacklaw, & Dragonard, attorneys at starlaw
Agent of SVVERVED: i saw it; from the window
FancyShark: Weird sentence. It reads like his hair is powdering his boots
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Uncoughable smoke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Weirdly I think that's the intended reading
gellaho: Meccanodogs
FancyShark: Woofbots was right there
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Nice to see Boston Dynamics makes it into 2 Galaxy
GDC: Cloppa-drum is a terrible onomatopoeia.
FancyShark: I'm hoping it's an instrument
Agent of SVVERVED: snickersnack snickersnack
gellaho: I'm feeling a leisurely death hunt today, fellows
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: About every fourth noun is scified up at my estimation
FancyShark: Time for a spot of bloodsport, eh wot
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Cyberestimation*
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: As it should be
FancyShark: "The scent of quarry" literally means rocks in this case
Ozzie: If you're just going to say that they're blue-metal dog-shaped machines then why did we even see the word meccanodogs?
gellaho: Maya is my favorite, her characterization is so wildly inconsistent
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So he doesn't have to type all that shit out every time they come up. It's a classic sci fi trick
gellaho: You know, fever trees
Agent of SVVERVED: Rule of cool
FancyShark: "Dad, can you do this musing when we're not being hunted for sport?"
Agent of SVVERVED: Oh Fever Tree ginger beer is good
FancyShark: The Giving Tree caught a bad flu
GDC: I think they do tonic water too? Makes for a good G&T.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The trees have fevers? Someone get them some willow bark to chew
FancyShark: Don't tell them where it came from
gellaho: ✅ Redhead
Agent of SVVERVED: Yeah, they make good mix-ins
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Well he better not give it to me!
Agent of SVVERVED: Like the potato?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I'm living at the intersection of Fever Tree and Giving Tree because I'm pretty sure giving my kid comfort is going to lead to getting his fever.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You gotta have a badass redheaded lady or what's the point of anything?; In fact, @LyraV get your ass in here
FancyShark: Having time to curse before trying to catch someon-; oh wait, he missed
gellaho: All a-sprawl
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Right? They're not very russet at all, really.; No wonder she died in childbirth, her baby snatched her face.
FancyShark: Skirts make me angry too. They don't seem very warm
gellaho: Magus Blacklaw here replaced by robo-dad
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: he cant harden his heart enough? Try trans fats
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Don't talk about your daughter being all a-sprawl, book.
LyraV: Just those paragraphs made me sigh in a troubling fashion
Ozzie: "Moistening the yellow dust" is the third filthiest thing I've done in bed and/or a police station.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Wow burn on her looks; Thanks, dad
FancyShark: Slumping is the best way to admit something
gellaho: Then Magus starts to argue with himself about burgers
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Poor dude's got Disco Elysium syndrome
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Butter basted burgers, I bet.
LyraV: See the numbers I last heard were that redheads are like 1/50 in the US for the most part. Yet they inhabit every fictional universe at a 1/3 ratio.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He has a bunch of voices inside - scooped
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Mecca, no dogs
FancyShark: True magic is javascript?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
gellaho: I AM THE WENCHER TRENCHER EXTRAORDINARY
Ozzie: Sometimes we make the worlds we wish we lived in.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: True magic requires spellhands
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: TRENCHERMAN!; TRENCHER!; TRENCHERMAN!; TRENCHER!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Isn't a trencherman someone who eats a lot or something?
FancyShark: Oh Trencherman; Where you going to; Trencherman; Where you gonna run to
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I fuck, I eat, and I wave a sword around
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: WHENEVER THERE'S A FOOD; IT'S GONNA BE CONSUMED; THEY ALL BETTER BEWARE; CUZ THE TRENCHERMAN WILL BE THERE
gellaho: You know how your scissors sound right after you sharpen them? That very common experience
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Like really, a trencherman of note?
LyraV: You were the editor this book needed.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: People talk about how this fat fuck can hork it down.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Like Mr. Creosote
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: and razor sharp scissors...clack?
FancyShark: This author has had some weird experiences
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: They don't clack, they shing
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: railroad spike again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They snicker-snack, even
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: If they're clacking you are sharpening tongs.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Clack is the sound high heels make
gellaho: So, imagine you are the pious bag of starch, what do you imagine these experiences to be?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Against the ground, but not against flesh.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Sadly
GDC: This author is just throwing idioms at the wall and hoping something sticks
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He really does have that Inland Empire going on, you guys weren't kidding.
Ozzie: For all I know at this point, one of the voices in his head is actually a bag of starch.
FancyShark: If this wasn't written so long ago, I'd swear he was trying to fuck with Clippy
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Stop filling your trencher with russet potatoes, maybe.
gellaho: If you guessed busty widow, congratulations
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: all jokes aside having a character argue with himself is maybe the most boring way to fill pages; Amother fucking ginger
GDC: Wow, lizard-neck. Spared no expense.
FancyShark: It was more fun when Gollum did it. But that's because if one personality won the argument, there was a double homicide coming
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: They're multiplying
Ozzie: Dyslexia made me think there was a redheaded lizard there.
gellaho: It would take a lot less time if the bailiff kept his meccanodogs put away like his mom told him to
FancyShark: The widow Serafina did not appreciate being addressed as "the widow Serafina"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Needle teeth are terrible for murder. They always break when you go for a good tear
GDC: Your meccanodogs would switch on faster if you cleaned them more often
FancyShark: Needles are scary, though
Agent of SVVERVED: Comely AND buxom describes me well
gellaho: Magus is one hairy dude
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You know how water feels like impending stabs by dozens of needles
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: We won't die! Tonight! We will in all likelihood die later but we won't die tonight! I promise!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: is magus a gorilla???
FancyShark: "Tomorrow is up for grabs."
GDC: Or a sasquatch?
gellaho: I AM THE LECHER WENCHER TRENCHER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Star Ape incoming; WENCHER TRENCHER LYRICAL MIRACLE
Agent of SVVERVED: From behind lol
Ozzie: So it's Conan rules, you start the story paying for what you did when you were blackout drunk and horny.
FancyShark: WOE BETIDE MY FRIVOLOUS FROLIC
Ozzie: Now I get it
gellaho: You know bailiffs, always clinging to gables
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Okay i take it back, Harrier Dubois is way more functional than this guy
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: To be fair, Harry wasn't a wizard, and by default that makes you 30% less functional
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: those are the rules of real life imo
gellaho: These robodogs suuuuuuuuuck
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: sounds like you didn't play with enough points in inland empire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fiercely cold amber stars
FancyShark: Dog has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Excuse you, I didn't teleport up a ladder to be talked down to like this
gellaho: Maya decides this is a great opportunity to have a breakdown, ruining his "leathern" strap
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: MAGUS WITH THE YAPAPI STRAP
GDC: Maya's priorities are all over the place.
gellaho: But at least Magus still has his jar
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: oh sure chased by meccanodogs and she's still thinking about her purse. Women!
gellaho: His purse
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: If you don't have your own purse your husband's is fine
FancyShark: And the packs in the water with the silver spoon; Meccanodog needles and eyes like a moon; When we going home Dad, I don't know when; But we'll have to read this agaaaaaaain
GDC: wait, his genuine lizard-neck pack isn't waterproof?
gellaho: It's where he keeps all his fake wizard stuff
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Well they dont make lizards like they used to
GDC: not their necks anyway
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Or wizards, apparently
FancyShark: hahahaha; His most prized possession is his multi-colored scarf
gellaho: The widow gave him a "lizard-neck pack beast" that ran away almost immediately
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: We should have known magus blacklaw was a larper.
gellaho: This is why I said I couldn't skip anything
GDC: I think the madness is intensified by skipping bits
gellaho: A fucking jacked magician, as they all are
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Muscle Wizard!
FancyShark: EVERYTHING IS POLYESTER! THE WATER WILL RUIN EVERYTHING!
GDC: Will the water ruin his hand hair?
gellaho: Gimme that thicc sward
LyraV: It will ruin Avatar 2 and James Cameron's brain
gellaho: And the "filamants"
FancyShark: They made us read "Where the Wildflowers Grew" in grade school. It was brutal
gellaho: Your boy Jakes fucking fell in love with the word "bailiff"
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Too late for the latter, that ship set sail with Titanic
FancyShark: Jakes is fighting his keyboard
gellaho: Maya characterization #3
gellaho: Magus already forgot her bridge breakdown
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I think he's losing
FancyShark: "Women, amirite? Hi, I'm John Jakes"
gellaho: She's very strong; Please, again, forget about the bridge thing
FancyShark: Maya's somehow had multiple character arcs and negative growth
gellaho: 8-mile
FancyShark: She's very strong. There's no strength in her.
gellaho: What's going to happen next?
FancyShark: Smudged lanterns are dim, aren't they?
GDC: The mecanno-dogs don't seem to have many advantages over regular dogs
gellaho: I don't know about that; This is pretty sweet
gellaho: Dogs can't explode like that
FancyShark: Brilliant! He waited until they exploded! He must've known their warranty was about to expire.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: It sounded like a blade cutting through bone... i guess that's a clack?
gellaho: He also got hit pretty hard; The first of many; I love how you exploded those dogs
FancyShark: "I am, Daughter."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: "No I'm not!" Said the angry voice.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Silence, bag of yeast!" Said the other, angrier voice.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: "Take your lithium," Maya said, but Magus was already casting spells in space
gellaho: Adventure!
FancyShark: You're right, Magus. Better she get ripped apart by mechanical dogs
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: THE PLANET WIZARD!!
gellaho: Moonpearled Corpse was the name of my death metal band
FancyShark: Magus makes all his parenting decisions while riding an adrenaline high
GDC: On the other hand, boning widows
gellaho: Keep the mutant sport sheep in mind
FancyShark: Sport sheep are like normal sheep but they have racing stripes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: SUMMON THE KORFSHEEP
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Sport sheep are for speed-counting.
LyraV: Hey fuck you Magus you don't know, those shepherds they could be shepherding while they study history or some shit.
gellaho: Book-rolls
gellaho: They don't have access to the book-rolls
FancyShark: They did not miss these rains down in Africa
LyraV: He died in the middle of his dick? Am I reading that right.
FancyShark: The untold cost of viagra
LyraV: 'He died in the middle of his manhood' is a weird phrase.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: autofellatio asphyxiation?
gellaho: In this book? Seems unlikely; Anyway, here's "accursed"
FancyShark: That sentence get away from you, Jakes?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hate to have my fantastic appearance glibly described by peasants who had never seen me
gellaho: The Old Wizard Phlebos
LyraV: Don't let him cough on you!
FancyShark: Named when his parents sneezed
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: old wizard phlebos taught him skepticism
gellaho: The discord is thinking of distributing ha'credits based on how funny you are
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: remember not to condemn me if you haven't seen me
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: 1900FunBux!
FancyShark: Because there are ha'pennies, so obviously Jakes is an idiot
gellaho: The better method? Close-up magic!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "No no your countryman's soul is totally in this fireball I swear"
FancyShark: He's bullying people with stage magic?
gellaho: Let the fools not be fooled by their foolishness
LyraV: He will also try to convince you he's not a total mess in a relationship, don't be fooled. It comes right after the sleight of hand.
FancyShark: Yeah, OBVIOUSLY HE'S NOT BOTHERED BY HIS LACK OF SCRUPLES
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: THREE ill never get over it
FancyShark: Sorry, it feels like Jakes is taunting us
gellaho: Fucking; Fucking; Booze; Fire; Murder
FancyShark: This Rorschach test is productive
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "It's not the size of the sword, it's how you use it", he insists to himself in between calling himself a sack of barley
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: charcoal chips dont sound tasty; oh nevermind i transposed some words
LyraV: Um he was talking about swordfighting right or did he mean Really using his sword?
gellaho: I'm not past my prime, but I am uneducated and limited in skill
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "I may not know much,"
FancyShark: A man deals with insecurities. THE PLANET WIZARD!
gellaho: And then he goes through all of it again in reverse
FancyShark: nealty?
LyraV: Is he going to start the Sheep NBA? Trade sheep teams with the guy across the hill.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Am I past my prime? No, it's my prime that's wrong about me.
gellaho: His lack of skill is very neat; Limned
FancyShark: Limed against the tree
gellaho: That does not help
gellaho: She stood described in words
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I've seen it used as meaning silhouetted in dim light
FancyShark: Jakes is writing his notes to himself as narrative
gellaho: BAAAAAAIIIIILIIIIIIIFFS!!!
FancyShark: Bailiff is becoming the "smurf" of this book
LyraV: Much better now that you mentioned spitting me through? I guess
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: i remember those bonding moments when my dad said he'd nearly murdered me
gellaho: Liquidation is no place for a woman
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Well spit me through the stomach and damn me for a bailiff!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: (Explains a lot, doesn't it?)
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh THAT'S the word you wish you hadn't used, huh
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: "it's a woman's place to sob"
gellaho: John Jakes briefly remembered actual names exist
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Fuck you buddy i only cried once today
FancyShark: Smash cut to Maya in therapy. The therapist is on her fourth notepad
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This dude sucks. Bring back Dragonard
gellaho: She had already exhibited thirteen personalities
gellaho: She cried a lot more than that, Magus only remembered the single tear afterwards; Suddenly
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: New Brussels
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: a shard of fire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The most dangerous place in 2 Galaxy
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: you know how fire comes in shards
gellaho: Skysled crash!
FancyShark: "Shard of Fire" was the "Old Town Road" of its day; Silence of the Sport Sheep wasn't well received
gellaho: You know what that means! Raid the corpse!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Short, black, and streamlined - words that instantly summon a sled to mind
FancyShark: As fas as he could tell
gellaho: Thinking-machine
GDC: The magician grifter hates lawbreakers
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: let's take a moment to acknowledge that he called the pastoral planet Pastora
gellaho: SPORT SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
GDC: That's not a sport sheep, that's a dire sheep
LyraV: He is a man of contradiction, I can relate to that at least
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Iceballs?! Is that a wizard thing?
FancyShark: "You know what it's like to have frozen balls in your mouth, right, reader?"
gellaho: Ten Feet Tall and Glowing Horns; The flock of sports
FancyShark: Woolly Wave!
gellaho: And now, who is this strapping lad with the fancy ring
FancyShark: Magus is just experiencing what it's like to have insomnia
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Kamandi?
FancyShark: Fuck yeah. Herding with a sword!
gellaho: The lights are so bright as to blind
gellaho: Dude's basically herding blindingly bright wooly mammoths
FancyShark: Dude's also going full Yosemite Sam
gellaho: Too bad he fell in a hole
FancyShark: woop
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A fur-barrow, huh
FancyShark: He died as he lived: Spewing a stream of curses at sheep
gellaho: Dad of the year
FancyShark: Only a woman would mention a death
gellaho: Magus then dodges teats
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Story of my life
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: can't relate
FancyShark: Dodgem Teats
LyraV: I forgive myself for my womanly outburst of wanting to knife him.
gellaho: Perfect comedy, no notes
GDC: This shepherd seems pretty bad at their job
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So does this author, to be fair
FancyShark: At this rate, they're not going to have a job much longer
LyraV: I feel like he's trying his best
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He is the greatest named of all time though
gellaho: And your brain is fine, I'm sure
FancyShark: "Blorp," the shepard replied
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Professional medical opinion
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You always see the best in people, lyra; you need to stop doing that, it's had you date three magicians
gellaho: Golden eyes, eh
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: fucker probably plays oddjob
FancyShark: Saluted with his sword, which means he just chopped off an eyebrow
gellaho: "Yes, I am a fake wizard. Can I have some food?"
FancyShark: "I could have let you die."
gellaho: Maya is into headwounds
FancyShark: "When you were dodging those teats, it was so hot"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: New Delft, huh
gellaho: "My uncle's dead. Whatever."
FancyShark: "The flock hates me. I gain nothing from them."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The Yokels of Pastora is a much better name for this book thus far
gellaho: That was her dad
FancyShark: Sorry, I'll correct it; "When you were dodging my dad's teats, that was so hot"
gellaho: Should probably get that scalp checked out
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
FancyShark: Points; "What thing that?"
gellaho: gasp
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh great, he's a legacy.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The legend! Greatest of all the Nards!
FancyShark: The mythical people with anger issues!
gellaho: It is pretty funny
FancyShark: See?! Anger issues!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hereditary anger issues. Who'd a thunk it
GDC: Wait why would geographies have information about royal families
gellaho: Especially since they replaced most of his body to fix it; Maya is into it
FancyShark: I'm going to assume Robin's ancestor did not hook up with the awesome warrior lady
gellaho: "I like the way you threaten to kill me, son"
FancyShark: Please. Thurd and Sworg are daughter names
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This dude talking down about peasants like he didn't just get his ass beat by his own sports sheep
gellaho: Considering Maximillian was brunette and she was red haired and this kid is blonde
FancyShark: I see Jakes has hit the "tell the audience to like this character" phase of shitty writing
gellaho: Oh, right, the possibly dying guy
FancyShark: The pilot has been busy trying to cauterize the stumps of his legs with a piece of burning metal
gellaho: And another personality shift
FancyShark: Maya's middle name is "Plotdevice"
gellaho: And shift again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I love my daughter and only want the best for her, that slattern wench with her womanly outbursts
GDC: Calling your daughter a wench is creepy
Ozzie: At least he didn't call her a trench
gellaho: I like this kid, but not that much, also daughter might be too tough although that changes on a second by second basis
gellaho: And Robin might be having a stroke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Head injuries are nothing to fuck with
FancyShark: "I'm glad my daughter is hot to some people," thought our hero.
gellaho: Okay, okay; So; I don't want to oversell this; But this may be my favorite description of all time
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh boy oh boy oh boy
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha he wasn't wrong
GDC: Incredible
gellaho: Like, that would be perfect for something that was supposed to be funny
Ozzie: "No, man, taller than you're thinking"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: You know a tall man? Think like, ten times longer than that.
FancyShark: But like, long; Longer than tall
GDC: A skysled is one decatallman
gellaho: I legitimately laughed out loud for like five minutes and closed stopped reading because I knew it was perfect for this
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: How many Ariana Grandes 🤔
GDC: is that metric or imperial tall mans?
gellaho: A very colorful crash
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Nope that's just the reefer
FancyShark: A stink of roasting and dying also describes many buffet restaurants
GDC: This guy has a thing for colored wires
gellaho: Oh, no. The crash got his balls
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: How do you even fuck up your balls in a sled crash
FancyShark: You're supposed to tuck and roll to avoid this exact situation
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: his iceballs?
gellaho: AKA tattooed
FancyShark: Tree
gellaho: Start up the personality shifter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jesus, what kind of caricature do you have to be for even your eyelids to be fat
FancyShark: The party magician is proud that his daughter is unfazed by the sight of corpses
gellaho: He's swollen in all the wrong places; Hans Huygens
FancyShark: And he talks like a pirate
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Too old to wrestle a sky sled alone, so they let me pilot one alone, naturally
gellaho: Don't get too attached
GDC: You need to be strong to pilot a sky sled, they don't have power steering
FancyShark: Any medication. Get him some Flintstones vitamins
gellaho: Huygen's is having a great time
gellaho: Well, had
FancyShark: "But we won't tell you that. It was cool, though. Trust me."
gellaho: A regular Chet, this Hans Huygens
FancyShark: Wait, is he still dying?
gellaho: This is in the past
FancyShark: oh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He died, but here's all the stuff he did before he died
gellaho: Huygen's got that junk in the trunk
FancyShark: "I just told you!"
gellaho: Gimcracks
FancyShark: Tamogachis
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Gimcrack and hokum, i tells ya
FancyShark: Sundries and miscellany
gellaho: Well, at least the lizard people have tits
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tchotchkes and bric-a-brac; As they should
FancyShark: There are Brothers and lady Brothers. We don't have a word for the latter
gellaho: Plume had a plume, eh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Boy sisters and lady brothers, i tells ya; Jesus, he's still dying.; He died six paragraphs ago and he's still fucking dying.
gellaho: Huygen's really getting the raw end of description
FancyShark: "They hit my head a lot first." is very funny in all this desperate narration
gellaho: Trippy
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Balls of jelly" is my takeaway here
FancyShark: Uh huh. So you had a lot of head trauma, you said? You don't think that had any effect on what you saw?
gellaho: Nasty high cockalorum
FancyShark: The sun disappears over the horizon and still the grotesque ball of suet will not die
gellaho: Yes, I'm guessing they weren't eluded by the tubby guy with the fucked up brain
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Nothing better than broth and saltmeat for a long winded soliloquy
gellaho: You're really getting the Jakesian style; Exhausted and drunk, I wonder why he crashed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Ten leagues?!?
FancyShark: Drinking through the crash is a power move
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: That is well outside the scope of human ability, even with good cardio
FancyShark: How many tall men long is ten leagues?
gellaho: And he's a fat tub of shit!
gellaho: Roughly a groce; The Hauntplace was the brown note all along
GDC: "control failure" is more of a self-control thing than a technical one
FancyShark: It doesn't get less silly the more you say it, Jakes!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: His bowels grew taut as the ghost of Taco Bell finally caught up with him
GDC: The Haunt Place is scary for the exact reason you might expect: bears.
gellaho: Really giving him a dignified death
gellaho: I like that he's worried about not living up to the example set by Huygens
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hey Jake. Fuck you too, buddy.
FancyShark: Jakes was bullied by someone name Huygens, wasn't he
GDC: Huygens dies, farting for 30 consecutive seconds
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Deflating like a bounce house
gellaho: "Could I possibly do as well as this dying man with a trunkful of crap I haven't even seen yet?"
FancyShark: Somehow, his dying breath sounds like a disappointed moan
GDC: The trunk is just full of empty liquor bottles
gellaho: No, just blows a blood bubble
FancyShark: "We've got nearly 73 cents worth of glass here!"
GDC: "eww" Maya wiped her hands off.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Maya sprang the fuck away from that like she got jumpscared
FancyShark: "Gross. Fat piece of shit. I hope you're in hell."
gellaho: Now time to loot!
GDC: Jakes just discovered the word chromium the morning he wrote this page
FancyShark: "This sucks. Let's strip the corpse for parts."
gellaho: The new bailiff
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: His spine itched.
gellaho: I'm guessing old Phlebos hadn't heard of the miracles of plastic
gellaho
FancyShark: It's no nysteel
gellaho: You will not defeat me, spool of wire! No matter how terrifying you are!
FancyShark: Careful! It could be a snake posing as ethernet cabling!
GDC: They're debating the existence of technology over diagrams they pulled out of a spaceship
LyraV: Spools are terrifying what can I say?
GDC: That would explain all the descriptions of colored wires
gellaho: Don't pull logic into this; Then you'll be questioning how he knew that the dogs were filled with wire or what wire even was
FancyShark: The key to good sci-fi is to make basic tech magic so you don't have to think up new things
gellaho: Look, I know he's dead, but let's not elevate Huygens to pirate
FancyShark: Yar; Also, CALLED IT
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He fucking crashed before we even met him and died after we did. He didn't even have an exciting plot coupon. Not exactly dealing with Billy Bones here
FancyShark
gellaho: Well, by forgetting a crucial "n" they now have a magical truck
GDC: The guy drunk drove a spaceship into a planet.
gellaho: Was that in the original printing?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Trunck
FancyShark: I think he spent longer dying than escaping from the demon planet
gellaho: Well, that's baffling
FancyShark: The last place anyone will look
gellaho: Negative quality control on this reprinting
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
gellaho: God, this is such a great book
FancyShark: "DO YOU FEEL REFRESHED?!"
LyraV: Nahhhhhhh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Spider! Ahhhhh!"
gellaho: Magic!
FancyShark: Somehow Huygens not having the saddest death we've encountered makes it even sadder; GASP; TINGO!
gellaho: Magus fitting to cuckold this ugly woman's husband
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What a hero
FancyShark: Magus accidently sets her on fire
gellaho: Use these lines on your next excursion, fellas
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jesus, lady, right there in public?; You nasty.
gellaho: Boy, this is just straight up nonsense
gellaho: Just gibberish
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Words, words, words
FancyShark: You're not supposed to read the flavor text for magic spells, Magus
LyraV: This is how you end up summoning the Lich by accident.
gellaho: Then it's not really a cathedral, is it?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It was quiet except for the dudes loudly singing; There were no authorities except the patrolling watchmen
FancyShark: Cathedral does admittedly sound more badass than "secular religious structure"
LyraV: Twas dark but for all the illumination
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: There were no cathedrals except for the nonreligious one; There were no gargoyles except for the ones peering down from above
gellaho: A secular religious structure?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just a fucking barnstormer of a non-paragraph
FancyShark: It's Jakes. I assume that's the term he'd use
gellaho: John Jakes is a master at describing people as pathetic as possible
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: STOP FINGERING IN PUBLIC
gellaho: Magus'attempts to prostitute himself are interrupted
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: pokes finger into and out of cinched opening of purse
FancyShark: "Dad! Quit being fucking gross!"
gellaho: Robin got hit in the head again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hey, his eyes are up here, Magus.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Was it greasy and foul-smelling, this sweat?
FancyShark: Jesus. Buy the kid a helmet already
gellaho: All I did was get really drunk and tell everyone your stuff, what's the big deal?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Bootfalls and halloos
GDC: Robin is either immediately post-vomiting or immediately pre-vomiting.
FancyShark: Unless you have really problematic friends, I'm not sure how bragging about them starts a fight
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Four cups of wine and I'd be unconscious.
gellaho: robes
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Did you drink their wine?
gellaho
GDC: Gotta admit picking a fight with a ringwraith takes balls
FancyShark: Yeah. That's a five drink mistake, minimum
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I find it hard to believe Magus' belly isn't already stone-heavy. All that trenchermanship.
gellaho: "Oh, right, I'm also wearing a robe. Not sure why I freaked out about that"
FancyShark: Now I want Rincewind to show up
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: You can't expect me to be scared of robed figures when you've already told me they're wearing mandals, Jakes
gellaho: So really, really not a cathedral at all
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: You and every botched Hitman run, pal
FancyShark: Typical stage magician night
gellaho: Or at least Wyrdrune. Early Wyrdrune anyway
GDC: i hope the pike made a boi-oi-oi-oing sound
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Maybe it's a deconsecrated cathedral?
FancyShark: If you don't end the night chased by a bloodthirsty mob, you're not drinking or magicking right
gellaho: The theme of the book has become "fat"
gellaho
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Them fatcat bureacrats, said the trencherman pot about the kettles.
GDC: karate chop to the neck flab!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: DEATHBLOW! DEATHBLOW! WINDMILL! MAGIC TRICK!
gellaho: The best defense is trippable robes
LyraV: Bureaucratic tumbling should be an Olympic event.
FancyShark: Just running in and kicking the ass of a bunch of desk jockies
GDC: I wish I could wear my robe to the office
gellaho: And then he's beaten a lot
FancyShark: CONK
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And this is enough of a problem that the small government monks are all issued fighting knives
gellaho: And now: court
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Senseless is exactly how I'd describe this subplot
FancyShark: Holy shit, they used their PIKES to bludgeon him?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Bringing pikes to a bludgeon fight, tsk.
FancyShark: There's no way the rest of this isn't his brain firing off random thoughts as he bleeds out
LyraV: Off there in the monkless distance
gellaho: The setting was "trumpery"
FancyShark: Jakes got a thesaurus for Christmas and knew his aunt wouldn't stop asking how much he enjoyed it until he did something drastic
gellaho: And now: thin
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Liverish?
gellaho: A land of contrasts
FancyShark: Don't be looking at another man's shanks, Magus
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: A wildcat did growl
gellaho: Hahaha, it's illegal to impersonate a wizard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Because why the fuck wouldn't it be
gellaho: OK, I know foxy meant the same thing it does now in 1969
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Using said impersonation to try and get in a plump matron's clove-smelling purse hole.
gellaho: Foxy Lady came out in 1967
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The judges glanced up at Magus, who we've already established was below them
LyraV: Aesop's Fables laid the groundwork for that
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: You know you're a sweet little LAW-BREAKER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He likes to tell people that but I think that's just sour grapes.
gellaho: 8 Mile
LyraV: Perfect hehehe this is a perfect joke!
gellaho: Sick burn
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: The prosecutor is a wild boar.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Did he just try to use "wizard" as a slur
gellaho: Hahahahahaha
GDC: or maybe a sport boar
LyraV: That was quick
gellaho: You know, how cathedrals do
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Those are the catacombs, homes.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: We don't really schedule executions down here. The headsman will get to you when he gets to you
LyraV: Soggy with what?!
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo: buddy we can sit here and use all kinds of things as a slur
LyraV: Onion juice
GDC: This is the cathedral from Diablo
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Whatever they sopped out of the sour pot.
gellaho: Everything sweats in II Galaxy. And constantly
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Greasy, foul-smelling sweat.
FancyShark: Do they at least have a food tube and a waste tube?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: 2 Galaxy is profoundly moist.
GDC: Could you give the cell measurements in tall men?
gellaho: Still terrified of that wire spool
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: How many meccanodogs can fit inside?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Could it fit Huygens?
FancyShark: It's not really a "good idea" if you can't make it work
FancyShark: Never
gellaho: Gonna spit some sweet rhymes once he's back from the nutrient mess
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What if you pushed really hard; Jowled. Authority. Rapster.
gellaho: Most people don't know this, but John Jakes invented hip-hop
FancyShark: Dude's flow is sick
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A real lyrical miracle
gellaho: It's your boy, Weenie Dragonard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Stand out of his -way
LyraV: Nooooooo he haunts me
FancyShark: Hits his head on the door frame
gellaho: Oh, so now it's small
LyraV: I found a note in my planner that just says 'Dragonard make it real' I see it every day and I have no idea what it means
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This trunk is shifting dimensions.
FancyShark: Compared to Huygens, everything is small
gellaho: Are you a secret mentalist?; sniff
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It was big enough to be lugged a chapter ago. Now Robin can carry this shit under one arm
gellaho: Disgusting, wanting their chuckle credits
FancyShark: Bootleg laughter is no joke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Renew your subscription to 1900Hotdog today!
gellaho: This is setting up to be a real weird threesome
GDC: This moment is getting overripe
gellaho: "Quiet, I hear the beat of the authoritative rapsters"
LyraV: Then they made out for a while right?
FancyShark: "Character growth has occurred. Trust me. I'm a writer."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: <muffled authority rap playing in the distance>
gellaho: Terrifying gizmos and doodads
LyraV: Look no one knows why the dwemer left their ruins behind we get it.
gellaho: Yes, yes! I have mastered the fidget spinner!
gellaho: I AM A WIZARD!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Shit, that's all it takes to be a wizard?
FancyShark: It's the same feeling you get when you figure out the keyboard shortcuts
LyraV: It felt surprisingly similar to being a jerky old fraud.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The magic was within him all along!
FancyShark: Well, he was pulling it out his ass
gellaho: I'd probably use some kind of negative metaphor in this case, but let it flow Jakes
gellaho: "He might be decapitated, but that necklace sure was beautifyl"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Magus was about to be executed. His escape plan was working perfectly.
FancyShark: "He fixed a menacing stare like delicate moonlight on fresh fallen snow"
gellaho: Just a planet of uggos
FancyShark: What if Magus is just being an asshole and these people all look fine?
gellaho: Just so sweaty
FancyShark: Really did not expect this book to spend so long as a courtroom drama
gellaho: Fusty
LyraV: That's not a real word, it can't be. Brb
FancyShark
FancyShark: Bad news, @LyraV
LyraV: Fuck I learned something today!; And it's me I am old fashioned in my styles! It's good to know there's still new things to learn.
gellaho: They are really frightened of these toys
FancyShark: Now he's burned as a witch
gellaho: He's working with his spheres and rectangles
gellaho: F- name.
FancyShark: oop
gellaho: Three pages to describe a shitty Polaroid
FancyShark: Laaaaaaaaame
gellaho: Suddenly, a tall man with a mustache knows all
gellaho
LyraV: They could have found a lady with crystals in NM to do that same thing after smoking a joint.
gellaho: Just as suddenly he is rebuked and sent away
FancyShark: How long is the tall man?; hahahaha; Like a Monty Python sketch
gellaho: You are legally a wizard
FancyShark: Even more nerdy than a wizard is the wizard who proves it in a court of law
LyraV: Are you sure we don't need a few more months of playing around with led lights?
gellaho: And everything is cool, time for celebration right?; Wrong, the bailiffs are back
FancyShark: GASP
gellaho: Butts forward
FancyShark: Hawt
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The blunt end of the pike, naturally
FancyShark: [bludgeoning sounds]
gellaho: And... back to getting hit in the head
gellaho: Also, "tapster"
FancyShark: Like Fred Astaire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: If the tapsters and rapsters ever combined their powers they would be unstoppable
GDC: wencher, trencher, tapster and bailiff
gellaho: And we all know the high capability of sunburnt bailiffs
LyraV: They tuned up their attack to an A.
gellaho: Robin really should wear a helmet
FancyShark: At the rate he's going, he's not going to have much skull left to protect
gellaho: You know how you bathe in air
FancyShark: It's why every razor commercial ends with someone splashing air on their face
gellaho: And now: more old men in robes
FancyShark: Ah good, more fats; well, one
LyraV: They could hardly be differentiated except for all the flipping differences
GDC: The Rainbow Governors
gellaho: So, anyway, they force him to go to Lightmark
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: wump wump
gellaho: All Jakes' favorite words: lurid, fat, fusty
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Story of my life
GDC: Lurid, Fat Fusty is a much better slogan than Live, Laugh, Love
gellaho: Four hired Johhny Bravos
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
gellaho: And, you'd never guess what this last guy looks like
GDC: Wait, yellow boots?
gellaho: Fat
FancyShark: Jakes never wanders far from the comfort zone
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jesus, they kept going on about how 2 Galaxy was a nuclear hellscape, but most people seem to be eating just fine
gellaho: Magus accidentally replaced his sword with a snake
FancyShark: Everyone's got a glandular problem or something
gellaho: 10 ft sheep are surprisingly fatty
gellaho: They have been doused in nuclear rain, so maybe
FancyShark: Oooh, good point
gellaho: Just a king of naming
gellaho: Undefeated
FancyShark: Fuckin' champ
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Finally, a sci-fi setting where tubby schlubs can thrive
gellaho: Was it?
gellaho
FancyShark: Community college, maybe?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Mostly it signifies being fucking insufferable on Twitter
LyraV: Sisyphus would have given up on this book by now.
gellaho: Easkod
FancyShark: That's an anagram for "sad koe", a rare freshwater fish
gellaho
FancyShark: Or that; Which is somehow stupider
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Good grief.
gellaho: That was also one of the names of the Lords of the Exchange
GDC: Jakes did not anticipate digital photography
gellaho: So if you are wondering why all those names were so stupid, it's because he randomly messed with actual company names
FancyShark: lol
gellaho: He is a builder of worlds
FancyShark: I remember he messed with some place's name in the last book, but I can't remember the location
LyraV: Worse that makes it worse somehow
gellaho: The bosom cube
FancyShark: Banishing fear has a few bugs to work out
gellaho: Caress the magic cube
gellaho: Cry for the magic cube
FancyShark: "My fat wife's fat grandfather's fat wife"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
gellaho: Don't call it a magic cube
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: THERE IS NO MAGIC! SANTA IS A LIE!!
FancyShark: I assume the lizardmen of the demon planet are actually a metaphor for Geico
LyraV: There are only cubes! They are not magical cubes take it to court if you're not sure!
gellaho: He rejects this fat and sobby offer
FancyShark: Stumped away, just clopping and gamboling down the lane
gellaho: Legitimately, that bravo threw and caught that knife like 5 times; Bealspealed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Of all the cities we kept Brussels
FancyShark: These people make it weird when the mail carrier arrives
gellaho: Eh, what could go wrong
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Not the think-machines!; Not our Dreamcasts!
gellaho: I'll bet it stood straight up
gellaho: The wafers and drums of science
FancyShark: Feeling nervous, they decided to drink; Huygen's ghost urged them on
gellaho: God Bless America
gellaho
FancyShark: hahahaha; I'm terrified of how much Jakes I've called tonight
LyraV: Sure let's get drunk why not?
GDC: Worked for Huygens
FancyShark: Mostly
gellaho: Ah, the majesty of space travel
gellaho
FancyShark: Let's get fitshaced
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A cRaZiLy CoCkEd eyebrow 🤪
LyraV: I read some of it aloud to help me make some sense but nope.; My light spangled lonesomeness must be making me sentimental
gellaho: Alright, so there desperately needs to be a break here
gellaho: Because some amount of time has passed and it is baffling without that; I checked the original printing, and it has the same thing. Although that one is so compressed there are barely chapter breaks and it's 80 pages shorter
FancyShark: Robin needs to be careful. He hasn't hit his head in almost a day.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: At this rate he'll end up like the CompuToon kid
gellaho: So, yeah, this should have probably been earlier
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh god. My autocorrect recognizes CompuToon as a proper noun.; I'm in too deep. It's part of me now.
gellaho: Just beset by robed men
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Only bathrobes survived the long journey to Galaxy 2
FancyShark: It reads like the dude put on the cloak while Robin watched, then punched him
gellaho: John Jakes back to awkwardly describing guns
gellaho: I mean, somebody puts on a full cloak around me that'd be my first instinct too
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Don't make me put on the whoopin' cloak, kid"
FancyShark: John Jakes must be insufferable at Pictionary
gellaho: Won't you gimme three steps? Gimme three steps mister, gimme three steps towards the door
LyraV: Don't feel bad Magus I feel like I should remember too but I sure don't.
gellaho: Some Skynyrd just for me
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Freebird!
gellaho: It's the random tall guy from the trial!
gellaho: More red hair!; MORE
FancyShark: Now another bailiff appears and escorts him out mid-rant
gellaho: A new mouth in his neck
GDC: I'm starting to see the downside of the robe uniforms
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh he cut his throat. I get it
FancyShark: Or he gave him a hickey
LyraV: A new...gross there are so many other ways come on man.
gellaho: Well, Maya saw another man so she's into it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A strong independent woman, prone to mood swings and outbursts of emotion, who swoons over every man and whose father finds her a general annoyance.
gellaho: William Catto
gellaho: An 18-dimensional character
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Billy Cats!
FancyShark: William gives this same speech to every person at a party
gellaho
FancyShark: I'm sure Magus will shut this down quickly
LyraV: I have a negative amount of faith in Magus.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Nope. Fuck Billy Cats. Bad investment
gellaho: Photographos
FancyShark: In the ancient tongue, "phortorgaphs"; See, Jakes? We can do this, too
GDC: The Prime Manager ducked out of work early on nuclear war eve.
gellaho: Photographos is the true ancient greek; Except, you know
LyraV: Find all the East Cod you want but leave me out of it
gellaho: They didn't have that
FancyShark: I refuse to give Jakes the win
gellaho: So, anyway, Maya is obsessed with this sociopath
FancyShark: But thank you for teaching me something new
gellaho: So, Magus thinks it's a great idea to send her off with him
FancyShark: Robin vs Catto for Maya's affection. I'm sure this won't play out the way Mongoose and Cobra did in the last book
LyraV: Look I was reading Easkod as East Cod this book has broken me that was my best joke lol
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Really giving Abraham a run for his money in the shitty dad department
gellaho: Because they of course know what gravity and atmosphere is
GDC: what does Jakes think suns are?
FancyShark: Think?
gellaho: A twelve-month with the fur-fangs
gellaho: Buddies to hug
FancyShark: You don't avoid the Voice of Doom
GDC: You probably could settle down if you kept your mouth shut
gellaho: If only there were some kind of word for evening food
gellaho: Southern Ice is really into the Allman Brothers and grits; Well, rather than doing anything about this as a father, time to get space drunk
GDC: Magus and I just had the same idea.
gellaho: Because they were apparently able to smuggle fifty gallons of booze onto this ship
LyraV: I'll maybe talk to her about that eventually.
GDC: Compared to the space booze, the weight of a stowaway is just a rounding error
gellaho: Okay, so to point something stupid out (I know); Just said four days out
GDC: i don't want to hug the milky suns
FancyShark: Jakes cut the scene where they had to double back to get chips and more beer from a gas station
gellaho: Typically when you say something is "<blank> days out," that means "<blank> days away," Jakes; Not that they've been traveling for that much time; Some rod maintenance
gellaho: Ifyouknowwhatimsaying
GDC: "realtime device on the main control console" is a lot of words for clock
FancyShark: awwwwww yeeeeeaaaaaah
LyraV: In a journey that never ends where nothing happens for 1000 more chapters.
gellaho: "She'll sense his hardness soon enough"
LyraV: No I'm ready bring it on, I hope they go back to the fucking wizard court.
LyraV: I bet she will heyooo
GDC: As soon as billy cats can manage
gellaho: Well, the murder has caught the attention of my daughter, but I'm much more worried about this jealousy
LyraV: Trust me they will point it out in a not subtle fashion she won't have to sense anything.
gellaho: Excuse me?
FancyShark: ewwwww; Even if that's beer-induced, ewwww
GDC: Hey, I just listened to that episode of SIF
gellaho: Yeasty and milky
gellaho: But somebody is taking a journey on something, so they have to be interrupted by warning alarms; That narrative rules; You fall asleep on any kind of vehicle, you best believe a klaxon is going to wake you up
FancyShark: If it's not a malfunction, it's pirates or a black hole or something
LyraV: Robin murders Catto
gellaho: I'll give Jakes this, power chamber is a great phrase
gellaho: Way better than engine room; Jesus Christ, about every third word of this paragraph is weird as hell
gellaho: I honestly don't even know where to start with that
GDC: I had to read that 4 times and I still don't understand
LyraV: it boggles the mind
FancyShark: I think it means someone was drinking with Maya and dropped the bottle or smashed it into something?; I don't get the significance of the slipper
GDC: Having a late night nutrient fluid
gellaho: So she tripped and pulled out a power rod... somehow? Maybe?
LyraV: 'What's left of her'
gellaho: And a real unfortunate old-time use of groped
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: In lieu of a funeral, the crew held a modest wake for Cinderella at airlock no.3.
FancyShark: You think Magus is going to tell this story to the kids at the next birthday party he works?
gellaho: Yeah, that's how you check for a heartbeat
LyraV: One can only hope
gellaho: "Put your ear to her throat, see if she still has a pulse"
FancyShark: If Catto is pronounced "Kato", I'm going to flip a table
gellaho: No idea what these rods do
FancyShark: Because that line reminded me way too quickly of the Pink Panther
gellaho: Why are they damp?; Why are they sticking out so somebody can trip and accidentally knock them out?; Why does removing one emit bright white light that boils the blood?
FancyShark: ...magic?
LyraV: It is both all consuming, boiling the blood but y'know not all that bad?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: In another time we'd call them nuclear control rods
gellaho: That doesn't explain anything
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And we'd shoot them at Bond baddies to impale them
gellaho: Unless; Unless these are for some reason the same thing Tingo Spellhands had; But that would make no sense in this context
FancyShark: That must be it then
gellaho: Well, time for some murder
LyraV: I should have stayed with the sports sheep!
gellaho: The murder is interrupted by their arrival at Lightmark
gellaho: They probably should have brought the fat, crying descendant instead
FancyShark: Killing Robin with head trauma feels...I dunno. Too obvious?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He's already survived it like 20 times, law of averages says it's gotta do him in at some point, right?
gellaho: And that seems like a good enough place to stop for now
FancyShark: DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNN!
gellaho: Less than halfway through, ooh boy
FancyShark: Thank you, @gellaho !; hahaha, holy hell
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: lol
LyraV: Thanks? @gellaho this one tried to break me
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: i had a tummy ache and napped but damn.
GDC: whew, that was rough, thanks everyone
gellaho: Probably doesn't help that the fist forty pages took about 2 hours
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeesh, this one was a slog comparted to the first; Thanks Gellaho & gang
LyraV: I feel like we earned some kind of merit badge, I'm giving myself one right now in my head.
FancyShark: Have a good night, everyone! Don't drive a spaceship drunk!
LyraV: @gellaho you are the master of the book cage and let none of them escape.
gellaho: So pauses the 91th edition of The Book Cage
gellaho: May all of your spaceships be as long as several tall men are tall
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Too rich and dense to consume in one sitting.
gellaho: The Book Cage Episode 91.5 - The Planet Wizard Part II; Somehow this book about a fake wizard going to a planet of demons has devolved into a love triangle between Maya Blacklaw, Robin descendant of Dragonard, and a sociopathic, redheaded descendant of the Kodak corporation. They are on their way to planet Eastman Kodak to find the secrets of instant photography. Will they find it? How many more head injuries will our heroes sustain? Find out this Friday, 5pm Eastern.
gellaho
gellaho: And so, the Lords of the Exchange are:; 1) Genmor - General Motors; 2) Threem - 3M
gellaho: 3) Xero - Xerox; 4) Unilev - Unilever; 5) Stanol - Standard Oil; 6) Stanbrans - Standard Brands; 7) Arsgrat -?; 8) Easkod - Eastman Kodak
gellaho: I think Arsgrat might just be a reference to a story he wrote called "In the Days of King Arsgrat"; And it should be noted that Standard Oil stopped being a thing 21 years before John Jakes was even born, so I have no idea what it's doing in the future
Podcast Reference Thrillho: That giant lizard must love the feeling of that woman's hair in its nose
Ozzie: Possibly referring to ars gratia artis "art for art's sake"
gellaho: A profound commentary on the commerciality of art; maaaaaaaan
cake boi jakesy: There's also a good chance he came up with half of these names while on the toilet at work; Just staring at a client list like; Arsgrat has to be another publicly traded company on "the exchange" at the time
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: MGM's slogan, so maybe it's just a media conglomerate?; Putting way more thought into the lore of this world than Jakes probably did but it makes the most sense to me
gellaho: Coming up on the top of the hour, It's Johnathan Jacobs's The Planet Wizard Part II. In lieu of a preview, behold the wonders of planetary rotation.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Francis Scott Key omitting "the rockets' red spurt" from the national anthem was probably the right move, in hindsight
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: If your rocket spurts red, see a physician\space shaman immediately.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And on the seventh day, God peeled the fuck outta there on his rocket sled
Brendan: BEHOLD; OUR PROPHET ARRIVES
gellaho: Time to boobs the process
Brendan: Mad Max but make it a rape dragon
FancyShark: Our Brendan! He's alive!
gellaho: I mean, tits to breast the process
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Whitesnake really scaled up.; hee hee, "scaled."
gellaho: So, to remove all sexiness. Imagine the wrinkled brown mass
cake boi jakesy: The Undertaker's entrance routine has become more elaborate over time
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: We've all woken up mostly nude tied upside down to a dragon head, am i right people?; PURPLE
gellaho: The theme of this chapter is "colors"
FancyShark: That crazy dry water
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Magus sits everyone down to talk about their feelings?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: A cat's grin, so a cleft lip?
gellaho: Ending of course, with one of the characters turning into a rainbow
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man if I had a nickel for every time someone was awkward after incidents in my power chamber.
FancyShark: Robin said little because any movement is going to jostle more of his brain out
GDC: I hope they sobered up before they tried to land.
FancyShark: The more you Robin
gellaho: But how tall is the man?
FancyShark: About 1/10th the longness of a ship
Brendan: Oh dang, when did Rachel become our god?
FancyShark: Just now!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Seconds ago.; Worship at your leisure.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Whats that in apples?
FancyShark: Well, officially
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: When was she not?
GDC: We don't know if those are metric or imperial tall men; still 10 kilotallmen is pretty big either way
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Man, I miss a lot when I don't show up for book cage on time. I'm not even god anymore.
gellaho: Magus smuggled in his precious magician accouterments
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Obviously if they have to pick one man to measure by, it must be Tingo Spellhands
FancyShark: He's bringing stage magic props to a Stargate mission; Magus is either awesome or idiotic
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: THRILL as a shithead magician reloads his hankies!
GDC: None of his doves or rabbits survived the journey, sadly.
FancyShark: Food was scarce
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Rations were low. Sacrifices had to be made
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Stage magic and a tunic, he's got all the combined sex appeal of a magician and a ren faire attendee
gellaho: I hope you brought enough sticky blocks of nutrient for the entire class
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh goody I love tofu
FancyShark: Bullion cubes
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Delicious granola bars.
gellaho: Just as Hans Huygens foretold!
cake boi jakesy: Nooooooo morrereeeeeeee
FancyShark: Maya's switch to Shakespearean Melodrama mode
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The brothers better not listen exclusively to hip-hop as opposed to country
GDC: Did maya just punch herself in the face?
gellaho: If they did, John Jakes would be some kind of soothsayer
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: would be?
gellaho: Just the most adorable li'l kilts
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Moist, like lizards.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "little kilt" so a miniskirt.
FancyShark: Kinda weird they're lizards riding lizards. It'd be like if a warband rode around on apes
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Okay but you would absolutely watch that movie.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: If they were once human and became lizard like, that's covergent evolution; Also, stupid
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Happy St. Patrick's Day to these kilted little weirdoes only
gellaho: These guys are really bad at using the one weapon they have
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I wonder if they taste like chicken........
gellaho: Like, real bad
cake boi jakesy: Wait so the Brothers are throwing spears; I don't like where this is going
FancyShark: What luck they were met by the Nerf tribe
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jakes already said they had "dumb eyes" which seems a little mean.
Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters: maybe he meant they were silent eyes; incommunicative; un-?
gellaho: It is very racist against the secret lizard people that control the world
Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters: idk
GDC: Just the stupidest eyes they'd ever seen
gellaho: This is obviously the cleanest way to describe a laser gun
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: What does pale-sizzling sound like?
GDC: Whiteness destroys the brothers. This just keeps getting worse
gellaho: A true disservice to the lizard people
FancyShark: No contingency plans if a rider gets in any way unsettled
gellaho: Humanform
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Humanform is what alien archaeologists will call the common alphabet.
cake boi jakesy: Everyone pour one out for our fallen brother
gellaho: Good news:
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Eat him, its the only ethical thing to do.
FancyShark: Thank you, Jakes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Aw man, I was hoping they were cyborgs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also quit creeping on that dying lizard bro's ween, Magus.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Magus, why are you checking out his junk rn?
FancyShark: Yeah. Only human cyborgs can have junk
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Yeah scooped but still
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Now cook and eat him.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: If he's a lizard does that mean he's packing a hemi, orrr
gellaho: He died as he lived: hanging dong
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: With wine, chicken marinated in wine is really good and lizard tastes like chicken
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The Hauntplace huh
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Great place for haunts; also mind-burning demons
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Well, it depends on when you go
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The Hauntplace sounds like Tinder
FancyShark: "OUR ARMIES WILL FIND YOU AND SEND YOU TO THE SCARY HOUSE."
GDC: Banished to the spookyzone
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: you lost this shadow game, tingo spellhands
gellaho: Enter: the sad, fat descendant of Kodak
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh hey it's that guy
Brendan: Philosopher Arko Lantzman: Sex Icon; Lantzman to the gents, lanceman to the ladies and also gents
gellaho: Just a very wet face
FancyShark: Philosopher Lantzman sounds like the name of the professor the rest of the department avoids talking to
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Yellow-booted bravos are the jack-booted thugs of Galaxy II
Brendan: Technically redhead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Most philosophers are..
gellaho: Pure sex
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Moist philosophers are*
FancyShark: Too much fattening age
gellaho: Considering they have no knowledge of how to make these skysleds, they certainly do have enough to get constantly stolen
FancyShark: Lantzman is built like an ice cream cone
gellaho: Apparently their security measures aren't enough to stop any fat man who wants one
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Typical academics. All theory and no experience
Brendan: Don't make me pull out the Dr. Robotnik rule 34 archive.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah it turns out a pike isnt a very good weapon for security guards.; Also its hell on your ceiling tiles.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: please don't make him do that, please
Brendan: I'm so confused how this fits into the Sony Kings universe.
FancyShark: Skysleds are the rascal scooters of Galaxy II
gellaho: Yes, yes, that's the phrase. Bird-and-mouse
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Cats went extinct. It's a setting detail suggested by Chris Avellone*
FancyShark: The War of Empty Titles
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: *in one of his stupider moments
Brendan: Cats are gonna outlast us.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Prime Manager is something your shift manager at McDonalds calls himself shortly before you quit.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: So he called Lantzman a mouse and a rabbit?; Apex predator
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: lol mine are about that age now.
gellaho: How dare you use the machinery of Eastman-Kodak for profit!
FancyShark: Manufacturing ethics debates! THE PLANET WIZARD!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Slugs. Always prating.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Booooooo get back do dodging mutant spears you wieners, if I wanted to read about two rich nobs argue about who has the better plan for society I'd watch C-SPAN.
FancyShark: The lizardmen are watching all of this and wondering if they should intervene
gellaho: Robin Dragonard: the twitchiest face in the biz
GDC: Easkod is betting on film making a comeback
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He's just a big fan of jawbreakers.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: His cheeks are ripped from all that work
gellaho: FEAR! MY! CUUUUUUUUBE!
FancyShark: Dude's nearing Z'dar levels of cheekdom
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: The only thing that can stand up to Catto is Doggo.
FancyShark: "Yes, the powering triggers. Those things everyone knows about and thus we have no need to explain."
gellaho: Well, I don't know what I expected to happen
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Lantzman is masturbating melvin
gellaho: But it certainly wasn't this
LyraV: Why did I think it would be different from the first half? Did my brain trick me?
FancyShark: It's called "hope", Lyra
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Cuboid batteries would be cool, it would stop them rolling away when my cat knocks them off my desk.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Billy Catz had two brilliant ideas: fuck it, and charge
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Those are 9v
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: bullshit, no one has licked it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: LICK THE CUBE, BILLY QUIZBOY.
FancyShark: Lantzman is Marvel's Gateway?
gellaho: It's a good thing Catto charged with his laser gun instead of, you know, firing it
LyraV: I wasn't expecting the book cage to help be better understand the myth of Sisyphus.
Ozzie: He took the feat that lets him fire in melee and he's gonna fucking use it.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I assume given the cutoff that the instant was not enough and Magus is fucking dead now
gellaho: Robin's really living up to the Dragonard name
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He's got terrible aim so he always puts the muzzle right to the targef
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Head injury ✅
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Maybe he thought it would go faster than light speed from a running start? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: we must imagine tingo spellhands as happy
FancyShark: By the time this book is over, Robin's going to need to communicate with crayons and construction paper
gellaho: It's going great
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Then he will truly be a Dragonard
FancyShark: Somehow, the muscle he twisted was still his head
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Hating, Rachel buttered the second slice of toast.; I like this convention.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "apparently" is doing a lot of work in that paragraph
gellaho: Due to the fact that Magus decided to side with the psychotic stowaway, Robin decides to leave with the sad fat man with the cube
FancyShark: Hating, FancyShark ordered some tacos. Hey, you're right!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: "Nobody gives orders to a Dragonard!" is an objectively funny sentence, I'm with Catto
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hating, Robin bawled his defiance.
FancyShark: uh oh. Turning pale and then suddenly flushed? Robin's got massive internal bleeding.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A more dignified Dragonard there will never be.
gellaho: Magus continues his campaign for father of the year
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: How was I supposed to know the thing I didn't want to happen was happening?! You gave every sign that I ignored because it didn't fit my ideal worldview!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Ahhh, I remember when my dad used to shake me and yell that everything was my fault
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh man. this dude really is a parent.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Good times.
gellaho: The man makes a good point
FancyShark: "Dammit, daughter! What dick are you chasing?!"
Brendan: This entire book is just going to be men growling "Mind your tongue, girl," isn't it?; ...I wrote that before the latest screenshot.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Ah, The Witcher.
LyraV: With maybe some long court cases thrown in.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And stage magic.
gellaho: Then he experiences all the emotions
FancyShark: Harry Chapin thinks this is all a bit heavy handed for "lousy dad" symbolism
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Jakes knows one thing about women: they're trifling, manipulative whores.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The Four Stages of Deadbeat
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Which, like, personally I can't contest but
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Speaking of, I heard that song at least three times at work today 😵‍💫
LyraV: Then he was kind of jaunty for a while, then cold then too hot then angry again mostly at women.
gellaho: Certainly good you ended up on Catto's side
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He's hot then he's cold.; He's yes then he's no.; He's in then he's out.; He's up then he's down.; Discovering Cupidity: The Billy Catz Story
FancyShark: "Sure is nice that we've moved past you attempting to murder us all on the ship"
gellaho: You know sand and dust: gooey
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: To be fair, it's made of sand dust and sweat. It's basically stucco by that point
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Sand, dust, and sweat is how you make a really bad beehive.
FancyShark: They wouldn't be struggling if they had tiny kilts
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: For just the nastiest bees.
gellaho: I hope Maya's already bought the World's Best Dad mug
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Mayamayamayamayamaya- is actually her full name. You know she's in big trouble when he pulls that out.
LyraV: What was the wind doing again? Thrusting? Pfff hahaha
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: "The wind thrust harder" also sounds like a good burn on a top
FancyShark: Every parent is afraid of losing track of their child on an alien planet
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Stupid future bastard doesnt know to rope himself to the other members of his party in a sandstorm.
gellaho: Apparently the Brothers can teleport
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: That is how your kids become friends with Ewoks and that might be kind of fun for them.
FancyShark: Studs: They're sharp
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Wish I had a sharp stud in my right hand, heyooo
gellaho: Now: a lizard man math problem
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Studs: the anti-himbo.
gellaho: They are if you're metal as fuck
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jakes saw Wrath of Khan and liked how the baddies appeared in the desert from nowhere as a group, so he figured it'd be cooler if he did it five more times as immediately as possible
gellaho: Very imposing
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: sorry, cinched to their throats by what exactly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: JELLYFISH HAT!
gellaho: Star Trek, always stealing from John Jakes
GDC: They stole some stillsuits from the Atredies
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Star Trek really steals?? No Dignity
Brendan: On The Planet, it rains potassium.
FancyShark: Those are plainly ziploc bags they're wearing as space helmets
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: It's space australian
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just wait like three minutes and this ambush will resolve itself
gellaho: He must have had his bubble helmet custom made for his mohawk
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Seanbrother!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: If they mention how bad the Brothers smell then we can confirm Jakes stole them from D&D and this is just a band of troglodytes.
FancyShark: "Brought it down in a pointing signal". Jakes had three ways to explain a gesture and mashed them all together.
gellaho: D&D always stealing from John Jakes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Three great tastes that go bleh together!
gellaho: Suddenly: VIOLENCE
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I would play in that campaign setting.
FancyShark: hahahaha; "This must be their leader!"; <charges>
gellaho: I say damnable all the time as a joke, it's nice to see someone use it seriously
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: They do have wizards
gellaho: So much gooey gore
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Billy Catz tried it and didn't die, he must be onto something!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Damnable? Lovecraft stealing his lexicon from Jakes too. Poor Jakes is the most plagiarized author in history!
gellaho: Plume prudently letting all his men die while he dances around them
FancyShark: If the hood is transparent, it doesn't really work for imagery
LyraV: The dying scree is the hardest.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Did catto really "i want a turn!" This laser fight?
gellaho: Just so much getting hit in the head
FancyShark: Plume barks prudent, unintelligible commands
GDC: "Mom said you have to share the gun"
gellaho: This laser gun seems poorly designed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: So it....discharges waste heat......backward? That is 40k as fuck.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: An entire series of pages somehow less dignified than this single still shot
gellaho: "I may have lost fifty men, but I captured one of you! Nah-nah"
FancyShark: Plume would gesture a condolence signal to their surviving families
gellaho: MayamayamayamayaMayaMaYaMAYAMAYA
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I'm not sure if I could tell when a lizardman is miming sarcastically
FancyShark: BOYKA BOYKA; oh wait
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: MayamayamayamayamayamayamayamayaBATMAAAAN!!
Brendan: loooooving youuuu; is easy because you're beautiful MAYAMAYAMAYA
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: earsplitting screech
gellaho: Wait, how many does he have?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Magus loses track of his daughter alot, huh?
FancyShark: Even his backup mustaches are ruffled
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He must have at least two, a mustache and an exostache.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
gellaho: It's hard to be poetic when you have to say Hans Huygens
GDC: If you're using the name Hans Huygens, stick to alliterative verse
FancyShark: You need to remember to scream HANS HUYGENS like a German having a heart attack, regardless of the tone or context of the rest of the sentence
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: As Hans Huygens once said; "sputtering, coughing, choking on own blood, death rattle"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Strangely the buildings were arranged so that the wind played a woodwind arrangement of Evanescence's Wake Me Up.
gellaho: Pipes.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's more of a series of tubes.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Huh I was joking a little but the cityflute theory is gaining traction.
gellaho: But, how many tall men tall is the tower?
FancyShark: They were throwing spears at the heroes less than an hour ago
gellaho: Okay, seriously, what the fuck is going on with this guy's facial hair
FancyShark: Now they have skyscrapers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's a Brother's market right now
gellaho: Well, these are the buildings left behind by the mighty Eastman-Kodak family
FancyShark: ohhhhh
gellaho: Those are just irradiated workers. I assume.; Otherwise I don't know what they were doing here in the first place
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just chillin
GDC: The brothers are workers that fell into vats of film developing chemicals
Brendan: 90% of this book is just people grimacing at each other, right?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So is 90% of reading it
gellaho: THE TIME FOR MUMMERY HAS PASSED
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: AWAY WITH THIS MUMMER'S FARCE
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man I was so disappointed when I found out that mummery had nothing to do with mummies.
FancyShark: "Only that bitch Maya mattered now."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: yeah our custom is really dying out; https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mummering
gellaho: I enjoy that this sad, fat man and his posse of flamboyantly dressed bodyguards are masters of stealth
gellaho: Excuse me, arrogant bitch
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Me and the boys
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Pardon?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: These people dont really understand that thongs are for making your ass look voloptuous.
gellaho: Excuse me, arrogant little bitch
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Perfect
gellaho: Everyone steals from John Jakes including Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The most influential novelist in history
Brendan: I love books where any random page is people talking about what they're going to do and what's going on.
FancyShark: It's like the old writing rule: Plan, don't show
gellaho: If only there were some kind of less awkward way to say neck-chain
gellaho
FancyShark: He knew because HIS DAUGHTER IS GONE
gellaho: I was the one begging for you in the bathhouse, wizard
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The yellow booted bravos start snickering to themselves.
gellaho: Well, they did something
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Wizard" really undercuts his whole rant there. It's one of those words you can't stay mad when you say it. Like "bubbles".; "Blood squirted" is just. Such a powerful sentence fragment
gellaho: Lips curled, nasty.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This parley went quite badly.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Hey, there's a subject and a verb.
Brendan: Please, Bravo is my father. My friends call me sex predator.
gellaho: Well, a rape threat will do that; And they were having such a pleasant time
GDC: The boots clattered because they were practicing their tap dance routine
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: If the Brothers just sit and wait they will have far fewer dipshits to deal with.
gellaho: So anyway, that guy gets murdered so hard it instantly attracts maggots
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Those flies work fast.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He had parasites
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: She was just a'burstin' with fast-hatching eggs.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Space beetles waste no time.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's a bottom-feeder's market
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Or maybe he was pregnant
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Can strip a corpse in seconds.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Nature's chop shop
GDC: He was just snacking on live carrion bugs moments earlier
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Still hauling that sword.
gellaho: Behold: the wonders of the factory floor
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Ave Mechanicum!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: So a factory with assembly line?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: fast paced plinky music from a 50's informational short about working in a car factory
gellaho: The ole mammoth shed
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Mammoths are critical to space labor.
GDC: This is the polaroid planet where all the polaroids are made
Brendan: a mammoth shed-like building; so like a warehouse?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Look, they don't have a basis for the concept, it seems.
Brendan: A coppery metal; Bronze?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Think it's copper?
FancyShark: That's a weird name for a giant shed the size of a building made to house wares
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: There's a world! Going on! Under ground!
Brendan: how you gonna see those vats with thousands of pipes surrounding them?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: More of a mammothshed, really
gellaho: What light through what yonder parabolic dish breaks? It is the scree, and lizard men are the Brothers
FancyShark: We few. We band of SCREE SCREE
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: For the first time on Broadway, it's The Band of Brothers and their Scree-Scree Chorus!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Something something St SCREEspins Day.
gellaho: Oh, no! They've got the flashbulbs!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He keeps talking about hauling out this sword like it's the fucking Buster Sword.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "OH FUCK THE POWER OF FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY! FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE CATTO!"
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: They're flashbulbs.
FancyShark: Are they attacking with floor lamps?
gellaho: Bulb-lights
LyraV: they took fuzzy poorly framed shots and Magus just couldn't handle it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: No!! NO!! NOT MY BAD SIDE!!!
FancyShark: One Brother used a bulb and the target was epileptic and they thought they'd found a doomsday weapon
gellaho: Just swing wildly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Looks like a job for Ringo Spellshades.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Chitin, that very lizardy material
gellaho: Smelled the smell, very descriptive
GDC: Alien, that's a familiar smell
FancyShark: Make sure to tell them they're hideous, Magus. Aliens love that.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: They smell like Old Spice and cinnamon.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: For I have smelled a smelly smell, beyond the isle of Skye;; I saw a fat mage lose a fight, and I think that man was I
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: All I can think of are the draconians in Dragonlance who wore hooded robes and bandaged hands.
gellaho: Slit-like mouth, or: "mouth"
FancyShark: "Also, we can speak your language. You're a shitty father."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You get this a lot when you're desecrating holy places.
gellaho: Simon Hawke has lip moistening, John Jakes has lip gnawing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "We have heard the stories from the one called MAYMAYAMAYAMAYA."; "We know about the scarves and are not impressed."
FancyShark: Please. Conquer the lizardmen with colorful scarves; hahaha, dammit; scooped
Brendan: This book is so instructive in how to write at things rather than about them.
GDC: "We are familiar with these card tricks"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh shit this is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!
gellaho: Time for some more head bashing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Magus is gonna teach the Brothers the meaning of Christmas and shit.
gellaho: "Okay, but you aren't allowed to laugh"
FancyShark: You idiots don't know what a SWORD is?!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Magus Blacklaw."; "Hahahah. No your real one, not your nerd name."
gellaho: They only understand camera-related technology; And spears; And transparent membranes?; Hmm....I'm beginning to thing this doesn't make sense
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The lost secrets of the great wizard Zip-Loc!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Fine. My real name is Melvos Purvulator XXI."
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Nay, it was the great alchemist Saran!
gellaho: You would think being released from it's plastic wrap for a couple of weeks this book wouldn't still smell like tobacco; Nope
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: And not the nice, sweet-smelling kind I bet.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: lol for some reason the book being kind of stinky is just really funny and appropriate to me.
gellaho: Yep, yep. Promontory. I definitely know what that is
FancyShark: Gellaho catches the book grabbing a smoke from the corner of his eye
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's the best track from the Last of the Mohicans ost
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He wrote this while at a seafood restaurant staring at a little cup of drawn butter.
gellaho: It's entirely possible we have too many words for this
gellaho: "Naze"
FancyShark: "Promontories of Dover" doesn't have the same ring to it
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: It's a fishing community thing. Like the innu and words for snow.
GDC: We know what was on Jakes's word of the day calendar when he wrote that page.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The Irish just used to name things after lady bits and I think we should return to that naming convention. Promontories are now........land clits.
WikiFeet Ramb$ne: OK but Promontory fucks so much harder than Pride Rock
gellaho: Let me hear it from the back! I know you love this one!; Ten times as tall as a man!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: As a tall man or a short man?
GDC: So one spaceship tall, then
FancyShark: "How tall is he?"; "As tall as a tall man!"
gellaho: Trippy
FancyShark: I hope Jakes meant the actual pupils and not the irises, because even without internet he could have looked that up
gellaho: Pink orifices shaped like mouths, or: "mouths"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The Brothers psychoactive pheromones are beginning to work.
gellaho: 8 Mile
LyraV: Dude you're a narcissist just tell them.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Motherfucker when Mushroom Yog Sothoth asks your name, answer. You're being rude.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He's sweating and looking at wet, pink mouths...
FancyShark: "Please use the nearby squirt bottle on us! We can't blink! It's raw agony!"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: A normal night at the club after taking just a skosh too much LSD.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Just haul out your sword and start lopping pocket pussies.
gellaho: Not the promontory!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He'll make a fortune on Space Ebay.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: POCKET PUSSIES RIPPED MY FLESH; Wait. The fucking sun just fell out of the sky??
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I'm suddenly reminded of a song I once heard that I do not know the name or artist of nor any of the words except "watch the sun fuck the ocean."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Magus I think you better whip out those scarves and colored powders because I dont think a sword is gonna help you against the mind bending plant chorus.
gellaho: Uh oh
FancyShark: The Hauntplace is one volcano short of a DIO album cover
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh god, it's Shunting like in Society. Get outta there, Magus!
Brendan: Names are power, don't tell it!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He took some acid and stumbled into a sex toy shop.
Brendan: When does Darth Vader step out and turn out to have his face?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: "I knew I never should have dropped acid in P-town!"
gellaho: Growing the hole closed
FancyShark: And immediately devoured by maggots
gellaho: I'll bet it was dank
FancyShark: The escape hatch of unconsciousness. Jakes is a poet laureate
gellaho: I'm glad we're sticking with this full man-measurement system
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Going unconscious in this place is how you end up with plants growing into your dickhole and asshole, Magus.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Ah.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Men are all the same height, right?
FancyShark: The last sentence of this book is going to be Magus's actual height so readers will feel compelled to read again with the knowledge they've gained.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I think when you use the manheight based system you measure from the most historically relevant man available.
gellaho: Behold the lightning mammoth
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
FancyShark: The Hauntplace is better than the entire book leading up to it
gellaho: And instead of just using mammoth the noun, he used mammoth the adjective; Then described what a mammoth looks like
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You don't get to use mammoth as a size adjective while describedan yeah scooped
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh Jakes. Never change.
Brendan: About the size of a shed.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You have to give Jakes credit, he is very innovative as an author.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: How many giraffes tall was it?
gellaho: Probably should have used an actual sword and not a pool noodle
FancyShark: 5.3 men talls worth
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The kind of shed a tall man would build?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You know, a dappled mammoth would be pretty neat.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Sky erupts x3
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Giggling because I dated a girl named Sky.
gellaho: Damn you, Wile E Coyote!
FancyShark: All of this because he couldn't admit he's a stage magician
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He's been huffing the photo developing chemicals, hasn't he.; They just locked him in the darkroom.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nobody should ever HAVE to admit they're a stage magician.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: He's hopped up on fixer.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The Hauntplace kind of rules.
Brendan: We end here with Magus swearing at children to drink their ovaltine so they can escape the Kodak-IBM Ruins' sewerage manholes
gellaho: It's like some kind of
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And we avoided this future by switching to digital cameras.
Brendan: This entire planet is a camera, right?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Smile! You're on Candid Camera!
gellaho: Old DEP
GDC: This is the Kodachrome Forge World
LyraV: We call it the DEPP for short.
Brendan: DIDN'T I SAY; eastman kodak; EASKOD
gellaho: Figured that out last week, but welcome to the club; For full reference
Brendan: Yeah but I haven't been here because work is stupid.
FancyShark: We have missed you
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: For the record no one else called Arsgrat as being MGM so if it comes out they're an entertainment consortium I win Book Cage forever
gellaho: He very slowly deconstructs the entire holographic projection
LyraV: Anything is better than my fish joke about the East Cod.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I think if you win Book Cage like that you are just Cask of Amontilladoed in Simon Hawke novels.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A hero's death
gellaho: I think you can figure it out from the words used, Magus
gellaho: Have you read my will?
FancyShark: So not one person ever sent to the Hauntplace ever terror-flailed and snagged a loose cable in the planet's entire history?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
LyraV: I'm concerned he just fell asleep playing Bioshock Infinite
gellaho: You expect more from Hans Huygens?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I just kind of assumed you were going to create a tomb\library for yourself when you felt the time was close.
GDC: They found the AV Club room
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: is magus gonna use this place to go full Oz?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: God I hope so.
FancyShark: That would kind of rule
Brendan: You think Gellaho isn't aiming for that kind of cyborg-viking funeral?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Is that what we're building to?
gellaho: Loathsome snakish suppleness
Brendan: My point 🍨
FancyShark: By "internal secretions", he means earwax
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The Gellaho Memorial Bibliocrypt.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: there was something loathesome about those creepy scaly fucks
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jakes apparently not on the "snakes are cool" train, sad.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The book cage was for him all along
gellaho: Magus goes to rescue Catto. During said rescue, Catto almost gets a spear up the ass
FancyShark: The first person in the book to think to use the pointy end of the spear and they decide on sodomy
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: One of the Brothers is named Vlad the SCREEpaler.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Almost? The narration itself says he's about to get his guts rearranged and not in the fun way
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I can't believe the same man who named a character Catto also invented Magus Blacklaw and Tingo Motherfucking Spellhands
LyraV: He tried to hitch himself to WHAT to go faster?; To get out of the way? You don't hitch yourself anywhere
FancyShark: And Mongoose!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I think that means he did that move where you clench your ass cheeks and sidestep.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Really he could go nowhere but down after Maxmillion Dragonard. Tingo was just a fluke, dude's lost his fastball
FancyShark: Dodge roll?
gellaho: He has multiple red mustaches if that helps
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "got yer nose!"
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: They do not
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nah you have to keep your ass loose or your legs lock in a dodge roll.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The ass loose shouldn't be a problem actually...
gellaho: Excuse me? Philosopher Arko Lantzman
FancyShark: The only way the multiple mustaches works in my head is if they're stacked. So you have the normal stache, then another immediately below it
gellaho: Anyway, YOU ARE THE MAGIC
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Of course
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: If your ass gets too lose you just end up with a fat roll though.
Ozzie: He's every Ghostbuster's name put together.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or one has a bigger and harder mustache on the outside, like a hermit crab.
FancyShark: YOU ARE THE POWER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: 😳🫵
FancyShark: hahahahaha, wait
gellaho: Always on the right side, this Magus Blacklaw
FancyShark: Their hiding spot was behind the most conspicuous structure on the planet?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Stan Bush, Space Lizard.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It stiffened as it died. This is context you did not want or need but now you must live with it always.
LyraV: aaw the screes have seen the full life cycle now they're enfeebled
gellaho: Count with Magus Blacklaw
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Okay fair is fair, "Because I wanted to." is an okay reason to me.
FancyShark: Ah ah ah!; 25!; Ah ah ah!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: Catto is fully erect at the sight of his family's corporation
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah he fucking would be, the freak
FancyShark: Signage gets him rock hard
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Didn't need to spell itout at the end, jacks, we got it
gellaho: My phlegmatic companion
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hey Magus, you should kill this guy, he's weird.; And chances are he's gonna kill you.; Or try anyway.
FancyShark: You mean try again?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He's a stage magician, he only gets along with weirdos
FancyShark: Because he already tried on the ship
gellaho: John Jakes gets bored with his own description of scarves
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: But is Magus one man tall???
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Ooooh, how many men has he bound with silks?
gellaho: Thousand
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And only charged a ha'credit! Very affordable.
gellaho: Catto Mr. Maggoes his way into danger
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Some people have to pay a threecred for that.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Which is odd because my impression of this text is that this is more Magus's schtick
gellaho: Don't you hate it when that happens?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: It's those little touches that really make you check how many pages are left
FancyShark: No maggots for this injury?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its some kind of desert beetle eating his foot.
gellaho: Deadly scarves
gellaho
gellaho: A stink of excitement
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: D&D troglodytes confirmed.
FancyShark: Magus 47
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its good for him they dont breathe thru their skin.
gellaho: And get one last dick kick in there before death
LyraV: Let's put aside all that stuff I was angry about earlier in a very healthy emotional fashion.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yay reunion.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: This is why we established their dicks isnt it?
gellaho: Good news: Robin still sucks at everything
gellaho: But at least he got bandaged up with her panties
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I'm glad we only experienced the aftermath of this sideplot and were never shown what they were going through
FancyShark: Robin's headwound count must be off the charts if he got here alone
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man I think it would be more sanitary to just let a cut be rather than bandage it with undies but I'm not a space barbarian.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Showing up to meet her dad wearing some of her underclothes is a power move
gellaho: New Maya characterization: Wolverine healing
FancyShark: I guess those face bruises were from crying too hard
gellaho: And then spin the Maya character roulette wheel. Next page:
LyraV: A smile from the Nard is worth a thousand words.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: !) Bring her dad a bottle of fine whiskey; 2) when he shakes your hand, lean in and whisper "I'm wearing her panties right now."; 3) ???; 4) happy relationship.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And a sample from the Nard is worth a thousand scrobbles
FancyShark: Which is about how many it takes for Jakes to describe it
gellaho: Magus decides it'd be a good idea to leave. Catto has a weird breakdown
Brendan: Sorry gang, turns out it's hard to do this and also scroll through a movie frame by frame. What's the sitrep?
FancyShark: Magus found his daughter and Dragonard; Dragonard has an injured arm and is using the daughter's panties as a sling; Maya hit her head on the sidewalk
LyraV: We've all become deeply obsessed with Dragonard. Mostly me.
Brendan: He's assembling a stupid cosmic Avengers in these books, isn't he?
gellaho: Magus, are you going to argue that he's not insane?
FancyShark: And a family dynasty with the House of Dragonard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The Dragonard Cinematic Universe
gellaho: Probably mostly that; I'm assuming the last book has nothing to do with anything that happened here. Much as this has almost nothing to do with that first book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jakes doesnt know what a trilogy is but is going to write one anyway.
gellaho: Great time for a nap
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Wizard. Your.........uh.........your staff has a knob on the end, if you get my drift. Do you need a minute?"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Popping a boner while your daughter's head is on your leg. Hall of Fame dad right here
gellaho: Unmanly!
Brendan: Florida Wizard Arrested in Camera-World Incest Incident
Ozzie: This is going to pop into my head the next time I cry at something and I won't be able to prevent it.
Brendan: It's actually okay because she's the spitting image of her mother, and he never raised her, see?
gellaho: Lassitudinally count with Magus Blacklaw
gellaho: The glee of counting!
Brendan: "A huge shudder of tiredness worked over Magus." Goddamn, belabor a verb.; Start with "Magus shuddered" and work your way up, guy.; Like i can appreciate when you're fatigued the shudder having control over you might make it the subject but come on.
FancyShark: Jakes had three pages and was told "that's not a novel". And something snapped.
LyraV: I'm just thankful he stopped hitching around.
gellaho: I was going to tell you to respect a living legend, but; Bad news
Brendan: ooooof we killed him
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: His wife who
GDC: My condolences
gellaho: Dr Ellen is my favorite
Brendan: This was a magic spell and I do NOT appreciate being involved in it without my knowledge.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: he did not name his child "Dr. Ellen"
gellaho: Hey, it was one day after I started reading this book; Not my fault
Brendan: Have joke. Father and son in terrible accident. Father dies on scene. Son brought to hospital. Surgeon, world-class. Freezes up. "Cannot operate. The patient is my brother." How is this possible?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Maybe he did. It worked for Dr. Doctor Bliss.
Brendan: Dr. was a woman. Great joke. All laugh. Curtains.
gellaho: So anyway, these idiots know he's a fake magician but they are still frightened by his tricks
FancyShark: Robin, you know he's on your side, right?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: St. Elmo ain't got shit on Magus Blacklaw
Brendan: See THIS is the kind of concise, active writing I've been begging for.
gellaho: So, they go back to the Center for Audiovisual Demonstration to bedevil the Brothers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: what a bunch of CADs
gellaho: And I've gotta check the original printing to see if "The is lunatic" is in there
Brendan: DIDN'T I SAY
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: One loss joke and im done
Brendan: Just humorless guys growling "Mind your tongue" and "Do as I say."
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The is lunatic!
gellaho: OK, that's not really better
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Future slang is just using nouns as adjectives
LyraV: Someone please kick this guy in the shins, just once you can spend 5000 nonsensical words describing it but let it happen.
Brendan: wait...do you have two copies?; THE IS LUNATIC
gellaho: I ordered the cover with the naked lady and they sent me the first printing; Which I find dull
GDC: Yeah, the naked lady on the dragon is way better
gellaho: It's also in like 6 point font
LyraV: 'The angry redhead hitched herself sideways and kicked Magus in the shins as he curtly tried to tell her to stop being hysterical and step aside.' there i feel better now.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: ahahaha is that supposed to be Plume on the cover?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Thats an alright bit of art for a page in a Players Handbook from 1987, but its not a naked lady being tied upside down to a dragon.
gellaho: Drumma-drum
FancyShark: Drum drumma-drum drum
gellaho: Adjust your girdle before battle
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just like the Bible taught ya
GDC: He's putting the championship belt on before defending the title
gellaho: Lightening
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Battle girdles are very comfortable and practical.
FancyShark: "His dumb, distended white eyes"
gellaho: The high-pitched and quavering voice of a leader
LyraV: Plume adjusted his horn helmet to an appropriately fancy angle for such an occasion.
gellaho: Union
Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters: you can tell he was proud of that one
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Goddammit he's gonna defeat the mutant horde with a movie projector, this is fucking Ralph Bakshi's Wizards!
gellaho: Just like an IT guy wiring up the company ethernet
GDC: Yeah some of those cable trays have wicked burrs on them
gellaho: Another thief
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I look forward to the rest of your fanfic
gellaho: Stealing from our fallen king; When the Star Kings die, indeed
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He forgot to click play.; Needs to refresh the browser so the buffering will restart.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Has he tried turning the star projector off and on again?
gellaho: Boy, he is having a hell of a time wiring this system up
gellaho: Gore?
LyraV: the screes have given way to the Clicka-whirrs
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: hahaha I don't have nearly this much trouble figuring out which of my HDMI cables need plugged back in
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hey Magus? I dont think this machine will work all that well if you give it a blood sacrifice.
GDC: Works for my printer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah but printers are demonic anyway, what else could toner be made of?
gellaho: The words of the day are mammoth and promontory
FancyShark: You have clearly never worked with Vista
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "And so the space charlatan wizard frightened the locals until they gave up their land and moved into the inhospitable desert so his insane murderer friend could do things with it."
gellaho: You really, really want to make your climax happen on a porch. It adds gravitas
Brendan: See a better writer would have said "The light from a star the size of a shed shuddered over them from above in the sky where it hung."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And that's why we have turkey and football in November!
GDC: Check out @Brendan , thinking Jakes needs an editor
FancyShark: @Brendan 's going to go to Jakes' grave, build a shed over it, and refuse to answer anyone who asks why
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Galaxy II celebrates it with Turkeyball and foot.
GDC: How man cubic tallmen will the shed be?
gellaho: Through what yonder projector breaks? It is the Earth-shaker, and Plume is the wheedler.
LyraV: Slitmouths in Silent Supplication is an intense band name
Brendan: What man doesn't dream of a mammoth obelisk atop his bones?; I am Ozymandias Jakes
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I'm assuming now that the sun is mammoth shaped
gellaho: Sarasota's only 2.5 hours away
Brendan: Gellaho, how far is this guy's grave in your giant state? You should leave a nice little tchotchke on his tomb so his family knows he hs fans.; Dang, scooped in a whole new fashion.
FancyShark: Leave a pic of FuckApe
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: In fairness, it takes time to spell tchotchke
Brendan: Leave a Kodak camera and a thong
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This is a really awkward time to reveal gellaho's been working on FuneralApe
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: And some dragon nards
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: A pair of exquisitely worked crystal studded hands.
gellaho: Of a sudden
Brendan: Just a 3D printed sign that says When the Star Kings Die, their legends live on...FOREVER!!!"
LyraV: 'Dragonard Forever' embroidered neatly and framed.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: a framed gellaho face, no context
gellaho: Squarrwk
LyraV: scree breeding is getting out of hand
FancyShark: Wearily dismiss your blood enemy like a haggard parent craving a nap
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "No, fuck you. The plain sucks. I am beginning to think your magic sucks too, because I'm not dead. I have a pointy stick here that says you ain't magic."
gellaho: The knob-like prominence, or: "knob"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: a scree of rage
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "secretion" what....like blood?; You know they still have blood, right?"
Brendan: annnnndThor is DONE at last.
gellaho: Plume's shaft grazed his chest
FancyShark: Jakes wanted to make it weird
gellaho: you were saying
LyraV: fuck yeah, well done
FancyShark: I see I spoke too soon
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh this was Dick Fight Island rules the whole time.
Brendan: time to eat corned beef
gellaho: Porch eulogy
LyraV: Hahaha I fucking forgot they were on the porch
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Way to fuck the lizard leader to death, Magus.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most; ...; human."; /lightly toes corpse off the edge of the porch
FancyShark: If it wasn't so obvious this was supposed to be heartfelt, Magus's little speech would be the coldest shit you could say to a dying enemy
GDC: Magus grabbed Plume's Knob Device
gellaho: Something warned him? How about 800 somethings
LyraV: Magus lit a citronella candle to keep the mosquitos at bay.
FancyShark: Magus is starting to suspect the unhinged thrill killer might be untrustworthy
gellaho: But, he goes along to the spire with Catto anyway. And without any weapons, they encounter the Philosopher
FancyShark: In Arko's case, it was drawn in butter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Arko has had the best time of anyone in this whole book. he hasn't even needed to do anything yet
gellaho: Catto masturbates a spear
FancyShark: Actual masturbatory prose
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He knows how to work the shaft
gellaho: Back to it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: hahaha holy shit Jakes
GDC: He continued: "unfff"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah work that shaft.
gellaho: I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a spear has more range than even two knives
LyraV: He thought long and hard about Voltaire.
FancyShark: The range on the spear shrinks significantly once Catto finishes it
gellaho: Gasp
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I saw Goody Catto with the devil!
gellaho: John Jakes really challenging for the lip throne, I gotta say; There is so much I haven't even shared
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: pft i can't believe he's trying to trick magus into thinking poor innocent catto was up to mischief. As if
gellaho: But was merely a pump fake!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The only pumps we haven't faked yet came from Catto fingering that spear
gellaho: If only there were some kind of sign
FancyShark: For once, I agree with the murderous psychopath
gellaho: Being really fucking coy with the cursing in this book
GDC: You should at least be imaginative enough to come up with some interesting space swears.
gellaho: Dingus
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Star bastard
FancyShark: Space jerk
gellaho: New entry for strangest paragraph
LyraV: Universe Creep
FancyShark: Sometimes it's like Jakes is just rubbing the lack of an editor in our faces
gellaho: Well, I didn't know this book was going to get sexy at the end
FancyShark: Smash cut to orgy
GDC: Sexual Hunger Cube is a great name for a math rock band
LyraV: Um....is this going where I THINK it's going?; I sure hope so.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Of course I know where it fits. Incidentally you might want to wash your hands after touching that."
GDC: Today Jakes's calendar said 'cube'.
gellaho: I don't think it would take fifty years to search a two hundred floor building
gellaho: If it took even two hundred days I'd be surprised
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Depends on whether or not the elevators are out
FancyShark: This is back when computers took up entire floors. You could just wait for sunset and look at which floors have something blocking light through the windows
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I'll show you the secret for a ha'credit
gellaho: Aw, yeah, gettin' moist
gellaho: And dry
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jesus christ, Jakes.
gellaho: The moistest eyes in the universe
gellaho: And the deadest of meats
LyraV: Ooof. Nope not where I was hoping it was going. That's what I get.
gellaho: WHO COULDST HAVE FORESEEN
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: That's what fanfic is for
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: hahaha the big bad gets defeated by fucking turning around?; fuck you, Jakes.
gellaho: I'm pretty sure Catto is the big bad
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Though I did have points on Catto ramming Lantzmann from behind
gellaho: What with being a sociopathic murderer
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: The man is a saint
gellaho: Such a dignified death
GDC: "He farted for 2 solid minutes"
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He died like he lived; Crying
FancyShark: And fat
GDC: "some pee came out too"
LyraV: with only half a boner
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: We start and end with a fat man expiring slowly from fatal wounds. I appreciate the symmetry.
gellaho: I guess Catto knows the Vulcan nerve pinch? Otherwise, no fucking idea what happened here
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: why does he need the nerve pinch when he can just go "hey turn around real quick" and people will fall for it
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Maya just fainted out of womanliness
gellaho: Behold: glasses
gellaho: But how many tall men tall was it!?
FancyShark: Ancient technology since the discovery of Sight Slugs
gellaho: That is a pretty queer cut
FancyShark: "So no one knew his name?"; "No. It's Unknown. Says it right here on the nameplate."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A story tall, so probably about the height of this book I'd say
GDC: How could you read that description and think of anyone except Steve Kodak?
gellaho: Face-first athwart
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: so sad that Steve Kodak died of ligma
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: who's tingo spellhands?
LyraV: He lives on in our hearts.
gellaho: George Eastman. I guess Kodak was just made up
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: tingo balls
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: GIF
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I genuinely thought Kodak was another company that they merged with. Shows what I know
gellaho: Fuck, OK, sure man
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Room: The Page
gellaho: All I got out of that was marble chairs; It kind of reminds me of the hippy chamber from the end of Time Blender
LyraV: Magus then realized he had somehow fallen into the 70's version of the TARDIS
gellaho: Count with Magus Blacklaw
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Every great scifi novel takes a break during the climax so the author can describe a big setpiece
gellaho: Live.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Live!
FancyShark: LIIIIIIVVVVVE!
gellaho: HAHAHA HAHAHA! YES!
GDC: To be fair I reacted the same way the first time I successfully booted Linux
FancyShark: I do this whenever I reboot my phone
gellaho: Stuff certainly is happening; To what end? Dunno
FancyShark: Kodak Doomsday Laser
LyraV: This is a very fancy way of saying you opened up a jewelry box after winding it up.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: red eyes the whole galaxy
GDC: He just started up the Factorio factory
gellaho: More counting!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Pardon, the whole Galaxy II
GDC: They're going to be drowning in cameras
gellaho: Extendable silver nippers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: If Kodak could do all this why the fuck couldn't they switch to digital
FancyShark: Too costly
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: This will lead to so many lizardman upskirts
FancyShark: Planet-wide holograms were cheaper
gellaho: Screen! Screen? Screen.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Screen!!!
FancyShark: Thrill as the villain browses desktop wallpapers
gellaho: Catto took someone telling him to eat shit too literally
LyraV: Thrill as you surf the internet for the very first time.
gellaho: Magus still thinks Catto might be sane
gellaho: Let me fuck your daughter. OK, wait. Wait. But hear me out though.
FancyShark: GIF
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Listen, just let me keep your daughter as a sex slave-- now I know that sounds bad, but just hear me out man, I got it all figured out--"
LyraV: I'd like to just go to sleep and wake up and the whole child bearing thing be over with.
FancyShark: This is what every father imagines when meeting a daughter's date
gellaho: Magus, again father of the century, considers the offer
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tbh I would have much preferred Catto just ask Magus to turn around and for that to have been the end of it
FancyShark: I'm starting to think Kodak wronged Jakes in some way
gellaho: John Jakes is just writing in a fugue state at this point
LyraV: 'at this point'
gellaho: They really fucked up developing some precious family memories
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: hahah is Catto having a stroke?
gellaho: Chekhov's scarf
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Time for a life hack!
gellaho: Or, nevermind, they just leave
FancyShark: Exciting stuff is hard. This is much easier.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Catto being unusually calm and reasonable there
gellaho: "Hey, man, he may have threatened to murder all of us, killed some people, and threatened to impregnate my daughter, but don't throw stones"
FancyShark: Book deadline must've crept up on him
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I'll say this for him, if this is a shared universe Jakes is building, he really nailed Magus as the Iron Man
GDC: They left Billy Cats to his polaroid factory
gellaho: Imagine the stench, reader
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Like decades of cigarettes melded to paperback pulp, I reckon
LyraV: Oh believe me Jakes, I already understood the stench of Magus.
gellaho: At the skysled, the last of The Philosopher's bodyguards stabs Magus
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yay!
FancyShark: 🥳
gellaho: "Eh, whatever, man" - Magus
FancyShark: The story reviews itself
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Is it really happening?; Is he really dying?; A happy ending??
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: He was stabbed to death, outside a macdonalds
FancyShark: So yeah, happy ending
gellaho: A whole two lines of tension
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: FUCK
FancyShark: DAMMIT
gellaho: Time for some melon sleep
LyraV: Thank you Graphos and goodnight.
FancyShark: "It was a great action scene. You should have been there."
gellaho: Vroom vroom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They followed the think-machine's master plan; Designed and directed by its red right hand
gellaho: "I almost just died and we're entering orbit, this may be the worst time to ask"
FancyShark: "Oh shit. You brought Maya in, right?"; "No, I thought you did."; "I left her on the roof of the ship!"
gellaho: Mounteback
GDC: Magus is regretting drinking all the booze on the ship on the way there.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Cuz I ain't no mounteback gurrrl
gellaho: Perfect time for a sexual fantasy
FancyShark: Meanwhile, the maggots have settled in to his neck
gellaho: And nap time
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Catto's genocidal star empire would last a century
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What a line to end on
gellaho: The End
FancyShark: That's right. Catto was the hero all along.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Booooo
FancyShark: Maya and Robin would give birth to a healthy 12 pound concussion
LyraV: truths light felt pretty meh about the whole thing really
gellaho: We have defeated The Planet Wizard
FancyShark: We did it!; That was incredibly painful; Thank you, @gellaho !
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What a step down from the madcap whimsy of the first book.; But I'm glad we caged this sucker, it deserved it
LyraV: It was a truly a journey thank you everyone for taking it with me
GDC: Hooray for feudalism, I guess?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Thanks again, gellaho & gang!
gellaho: So concludes the 91st Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho: And RIP to my man John Jakes
FancyShark: 🫗
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: John Jakes, novelist and Ballard Street character
LyraV: bwahahaha YES
GDC: He even has the pants