#2 Dragonard
The Book Cage Episode 91 - The Planet Wizard
Johnathon Jacobs is back at it again in II Galaxy. This time our main character is Magus Blacklaw, fake wizard extraordinaire. He and his daughter are on the run from angry bailiffs on the planet Pastora. What does all this have to do with Maximillian Dragonard and the Heart Flag army? I guess we'll just have to find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Fuck yes! Fuck yes!!
If this book had just been called Planet Wizard even better. But still!
Somehow this is the first book I've gotten that smells like cigarettes
But, it is much better than the original cover
Tbh the original cover kinda fucks
I can't even tell where he is. The ocean?
The cosmic mists
Also, the smallest font I've seen. So small that second one is 80 pages longer
Also hard confirmation that it's Galaxy 2
Hello, my name is reginald mccloak and I hope you like my fuck lizard
That lady does not look upset to be on the fuck lizard.
You probably would need to actually go dumber with the fake name
The first book had names such as Jeremy Lynx, Maximillian Dragonard, and Tingo Spellhands
I hope Tingo Spellhands didnt know magic
He didn't, his fingertips were just LEDs
Also he trafficked child slaves but don't worry so much about that, the book sure didn't
Otherwise he seemed pretty cool.
Pobody's nerfect
Little under an hour until The Planet Wizard. Two copies, two previews. Are either helpful? Absolutely not
Not since Joe Hardy has a skull survived so much trauma
I don't know why you would type "myriads of inhabitants" instead of "myriad inhabitants" unless you were really desperate for a word count.
I can't wait for the Lords of The Exchange to only figure into the plot in like the last quarter of the book again
I might actually get to participate at least until I have to make dinner, as I'm currently being a pillow for a sick kiddo.
I've only looked at the first thirty pages, but dudes are taking a lot of shots in this
I also have no idea how I'm not going to share every single word of the first thirty pages
Do it. We can break this into a multi-part read again
It is somehow both better written, but with more typos and bizarre word choices
The action is clearer though, which is nice
Once more unto the Jakes
"Do I have something on my face?"
The ducking stool took a turn once they ran out of wood in Galaxy 2.
Hilariously the cover art to the 1969 edition was done by Jeff Jones
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jeff Jones and John Jakes
Geoff Johns?
J'onn J'onzz?
Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was unavailable
Jon Jollheim
Jacob Jotenheim
Glittering Technologic Webwork
Home 1 and 2 Galaxy. We really ran out of passable place names
i zoned out halfway through the first sentence
Folk-memory is like volatile memory, but it has all these boring stories about how inexpensive things used to be
Suck that power, baby
I could believe splitting and burning it, but wracking it too!?!
How could they ever recover
that just seems excessive
It cut the planet wars short by five years and saved thousands of lives
So, here's where the band aid gets ripped off
Team Threem til I die baybeeee
We are two generations in the future, and multiple nuclear holocausts
🤌
So, the ending of that last book where Maximillian Dragonard rode off with the reduced forces of the Heart Flag?
Just a sumptuous banquet of names we don't need
Forget all that
"If you get rid of capitalist kleptocracy the galaxy will descend into barbarous anarchy!!", wailed Jake Johns at his typewriter, confident overwrought exposition would do the work of nuance
We are now on a fake farm planet
The Prime Managers are dead, long live the mystics
Old Dragonard had a farm, E I E I O
can you have a flyover planet?
Sure you can. We're on one right now.
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
Earth is the Midwest of the galaxy? That does explain all the corn
You know how you'd name a planet of demons Lightmark
lotta quality keyboard smash names
Demon-fear and demon-hate are my strongest emotions
MULTIPLE holocausts. Because I guess they were on a roll
The men in monks' robes, is the thing
Such simple monks
Cue Star Wars theme
His face, name and history are all "Wait"
So Dragonard got to sire his own house and we don't even get to see it?
Magus Blacklaw
How very Conan of him.
You gotta give it to him, he picks fantastic names.
We join The Adventures of Magus Blacklaw, already in progress
Blacklaw, Blacklaw, & Dragonard, attorneys at starlaw
i saw it
from the window
Weird sentence. It reads like his hair is powdering his boots
Uncoughable smoke
Weirdly I think that's the intended reading
Meccanodogs
Woofbots was right there
Nice to see Boston Dynamics makes it into 2 Galaxy
Cloppa-drum is a terrible onomatopoeia.
I'm hoping it's an instrument
snickersnack snickersnack
I'm feeling a leisurely death hunt today, fellows
About every fourth noun is scified up at my estimation
Time for a spot of bloodsport, eh wot
Cyberestimation*
As it should be
"The scent of quarry" literally means rocks in this case
If you're just going to say that they're blue-metal dog-shaped machines then why did we even see the word meccanodogs?
Maya is my favorite, her characterization is so wildly inconsistent
So he doesn't have to type all that shit out every time they come up. It's a classic sci fi trick
You know, fever trees
Rule of cool
"Dad, can you do this musing when we're not being hunted for sport?"
Oh Fever Tree ginger beer is good
The Giving Tree caught a bad flu
I think they do tonic water too? Makes for a good G&T.
The trees have fevers? Someone get them some willow bark to chew
Don't tell them where it came from
✅ Redhead
Yeah, they make good mix-ins
Well he better not give it to me!
Like the potato?
I'm living at the intersection of Fever Tree and Giving Tree because I'm pretty sure giving my kid comfort is going to lead to getting his fever.
You gotta have a badass redheaded lady or what's the point of anything?
In fact, @LyraV get your ass in here
Having time to curse before trying to catch someon-
oh wait, he missed
All a-sprawl
Right? They're not very russet at all, really.
No wonder she died in childbirth, her baby snatched her face.
Skirts make me angry too. They don't seem very warm
Magus Blacklaw here replaced by robo-dad
he cant harden his heart enough? Try trans fats
Don't talk about your daughter being all a-sprawl, book.
Just those paragraphs made me sigh in a troubling fashion
"Moistening the yellow dust" is the third filthiest thing I've done in bed and/or a police station.
Wow burn on her looks
Thanks, dad
Slumping is the best way to admit something
Then Magus starts to argue with himself about burgers
Poor dude's got Disco Elysium syndrome
Butter basted burgers, I bet.
See the numbers I last heard were that redheads are like 1/50 in the US for the most part. Yet they inhabit every fictional universe at a 1/3 ratio.
He has a bunch of voices inside - scooped
Mecca, no dogs
True magic is javascript?
I AM THE WENCHER TRENCHER EXTRAORDINARY
Sometimes we make the worlds we wish we lived in.
True magic requires spellhands
TRENCHERMAN!
TRENCHER!
TRENCHERMAN!
TRENCHER!
Isn't a trencherman someone who eats a lot or something?
Oh Trencherman
Where you going to
Trencherman
Where you gonna run to
I fuck, I eat, and I wave a sword around
WHENEVER THERE'S A FOOD
IT'S GONNA BE CONSUMED
THEY ALL BETTER BEWARE
CUZ THE TRENCHERMAN WILL BE THERE
You know how your scissors sound right after you sharpen them? That very common experience
Like really, a trencherman of note?
You were the editor this book needed.
People talk about how this fat fuck can hork it down.
Like Mr. Creosote
and razor sharp scissors...clack?
This author has had some weird experiences
They don't clack, they shing
railroad spike again
They snicker-snack, even
If they're clacking you are sharpening tongs.
Clack is the sound high heels make
So, imagine you are the pious bag of starch, what do you imagine these experiences to be?
Against the ground, but not against flesh.
Sadly
This author is just throwing idioms at the wall and hoping something sticks
He really does have that Inland Empire going on, you guys weren't kidding.
For all I know at this point, one of the voices in his head is actually a bag of starch.
If this wasn't written so long ago, I'd swear he was trying to fuck with Clippy
Stop filling your trencher with russet potatoes, maybe.
If you guessed busty widow, congratulations
all jokes aside having a character argue with himself is maybe the most boring way to fill pages
Amother fucking ginger
Wow, lizard-neck. Spared no expense.
It was more fun when Gollum did it. But that's because if one personality won the argument, there was a double homicide coming
They're multiplying
Dyslexia made me think there was a redheaded lizard there.
It would take a lot less time if the bailiff kept his meccanodogs put away like his mom told him to
The widow Serafina did not appreciate being addressed as "the widow Serafina"
Needle teeth are terrible for murder. They always break when you go for a good tear
Your meccanodogs would switch on faster if you cleaned them more often
Needles are scary, though
Comely AND buxom describes me well
Magus is one hairy dude
You know how water feels like impending stabs by dozens of needles
We won't die! Tonight! We will in all likelihood die later but we won't die tonight! I promise!
is magus a gorilla???
"Tomorrow is up for grabs."
Or a sasquatch?
I AM THE LECHER WENCHER TRENCHER
Star Ape incoming
WENCHER TRENCHER LYRICAL MIRACLE
From behind lol
So it's Conan rules, you start the story paying for what you did when you were blackout drunk and horny.
WOE BETIDE MY FRIVOLOUS FROLIC
Now I get it
You know bailiffs, always clinging to gables
Okay i take it back, Harrier Dubois is way more functional than this guy
To be fair, Harry wasn't a wizard, and by default that makes you 30% less functional
those are the rules of real life imo
These robodogs suuuuuuuuuck
sounds like you didn't play with enough points in inland empire
Fiercely cold amber stars
Dog has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down
Excuse you, I didn't teleport up a ladder to be talked down to like this
Maya decides this is a great opportunity to have a breakdown, ruining his "leathern" strap
MAGUS WITH THE YAPAPI STRAP
Maya's priorities are all over the place.
But at least Magus still has his jar
oh sure chased by meccanodogs and she's still thinking about her purse. Women!
His purse
If you don't have your own purse your husband's is fine
And the packs in the water with the silver spoon
Meccanodog needles and eyes like a moon
When we going home Dad, I don't know when
But we'll have to read this agaaaaaaain
wait, his genuine lizard-neck pack isn't waterproof?
It's where he keeps all his fake wizard stuff
Well they dont make lizards like they used to
not their necks anyway
Or wizards, apparently
hahahaha
His most prized possession is his multi-colored scarf
The widow gave him a "lizard-neck pack beast" that ran away almost immediately
We should have known magus blacklaw was a larper.
This is why I said I couldn't skip anything
I think the madness is intensified by skipping bits
A fucking jacked magician, as they all are
Muscle Wizard!
EVERYTHING IS POLYESTER! THE WATER WILL RUIN EVERYTHING!
Will the water ruin his hand hair?
Gimme that thicc sward
It will ruin Avatar 2 and James Cameron's brain
And the "filamants"
They made us read "Where the Wildflowers Grew" in grade school. It was brutal
Your boy Jakes fucking fell in love with the word "bailiff"
Too late for the latter, that ship set sail with Titanic
Jakes is fighting his keyboard
Maya characterization #3
Magus already forgot her bridge breakdown
I think he's losing
"Women, amirite? Hi, I'm John Jakes"
She's very strong
Please, again, forget about the bridge thing
Maya's somehow had multiple character arcs and negative growth
8-mile
She's very strong. There's no strength in her.
What's going to happen next?
Smudged lanterns are dim, aren't they?
The mecanno-dogs don't seem to have many advantages over regular dogs
I don't know about that
This is pretty sweet
Dogs can't explode like that
Brilliant! He waited until they exploded! He must've known their warranty was about to expire.
It sounded like a blade cutting through bone... i guess that's a clack?
He also got hit pretty hard
The first of many
I love how you exploded those dogs
"I am, Daughter."
"No I'm not!" Said the angry voice.
"Silence, bag of yeast!" Said the other, angrier voice.
"Take your lithium," Maya said, but Magus was already casting spells in space
Adventure!
You're right, Magus. Better she get ripped apart by mechanical dogs
THE PLANET WIZARD!!
Moonpearled Corpse was the name of my death metal band
Magus makes all his parenting decisions while riding an adrenaline high
On the other hand, boning widows
Keep the mutant sport sheep in mind
Sport sheep are like normal sheep but they have racing stripes
SUMMON THE KORFSHEEP
Sport sheep are for speed-counting.
Hey fuck you Magus you don't know, those shepherds they could be shepherding while they study history or some shit.
Book-rolls
They don't have access to the book-rolls