91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes

FancyShark

"My fat wife's fat grandfather's fat wife"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

gellaho

Don't call it a magic cube

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

THERE IS NO MAGIC! SANTA IS A LIE!!

FancyShark

I assume the lizardmen of the demon planet are actually a metaphor for Geico

LyraV

There are only cubes! They are not magical cubes take it to court if you're not sure!

gellaho

He rejects this fat and sobby offer

FancyShark

Stumped away, just clopping and gamboling down the lane

gellaho

Legitimately, that bravo threw and caught that knife like 5 times

Bealspealed

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Of all the cities we kept Brussels

FancyShark

These people make it weird when the mail carrier arrives

gellaho

Eh, what could go wrong

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Not the think-machines!

Not our Dreamcasts!

gellaho

I'll bet it stood straight up

gellaho

The wafers and drums of science

FancyShark

Feeling nervous, they decided to drink

Huygen's ghost urged them on

gellaho

God Bless America

gellaho

FancyShark

hahahaha

I'm terrified of how much Jakes I've called tonight

LyraV

Sure let's get drunk why not?

GDC

Worked for Huygens

FancyShark

Mostly

gellaho

Ah, the majesty of space travel

gellaho

FancyShark

Let's get fitshaced

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

A cRaZiLy CoCkEd eyebrow 🤪

LyraV

I read some of it aloud to help me make some sense but nope.

My light spangled lonesomeness must be making me sentimental

gellaho

Alright, so there desperately needs to be a break here

gellaho

Because some amount of time has passed and it is baffling without that

I checked the original printing, and it has the same thing. Although that one is so compressed there are barely chapter breaks and it's 80 pages shorter

FancyShark

Robin needs to be careful. He hasn't hit his head in almost a day.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

At this rate he'll end up like the CompuToon kid

gellaho

So, yeah, this should have probably been earlier

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh god. My autocorrect recognizes CompuToon as a proper noun.

I'm in too deep. It's part of me now.

gellaho

Just beset by robed men

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Only bathrobes survived the long journey to Galaxy 2

FancyShark

It reads like the dude put on the cloak while Robin watched, then punched him

gellaho

John Jakes back to awkwardly describing guns

gellaho

I mean, somebody puts on a full cloak around me that'd be my first instinct too

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"Don't make me put on the whoopin' cloak, kid"

FancyShark

John Jakes must be insufferable at Pictionary

gellaho

Won't you gimme three steps? Gimme three steps mister, gimme three steps towards the door

LyraV

Don't feel bad Magus I feel like I should remember too but I sure don't.

gellaho

Some Skynyrd just for me

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Freebird!

gellaho

It's the random tall guy from the trial!

gellaho

More red hair!

MORE

FancyShark

Now another bailiff appears and escorts him out mid-rant

gellaho

A new mouth in his neck

GDC

I'm starting to see the downside of the robe uniforms

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh he cut his throat. I get it

FancyShark

Or he gave him a hickey

LyraV

A new...gross there are so many other ways come on man.

gellaho

Well, Maya saw another man so she's into it

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

A strong independent woman, prone to mood swings and outbursts of emotion, who swoons over every man and whose father finds her a general annoyance.

gellaho

William Catto

gellaho

An 18-dimensional character

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Billy Cats!

FancyShark

William gives this same speech to every person at a party

gellaho

FancyShark

I'm sure Magus will shut this down quickly

LyraV

I have a negative amount of faith in Magus.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Nope. Fuck Billy Cats. Bad investment

gellaho

Photographos

FancyShark

In the ancient tongue, "phortorgaphs"

See, Jakes? We can do this, too

GDC

The Prime Manager ducked out of work early on nuclear war eve.

gellaho

Photographos is the true ancient greek

Except, you know

LyraV

Find all the East Cod you want but leave me out of it

gellaho

They didn't have that

FancyShark

I refuse to give Jakes the win

gellaho

So, anyway, Maya is obsessed with this sociopath

FancyShark

But thank you for teaching me something new

gellaho

So, Magus thinks it's a great idea to send her off with him

FancyShark

Robin vs Catto for Maya's affection. I'm sure this won't play out the way Mongoose and Cobra did in the last book

LyraV

Look I was reading Easkod as East Cod this book has broken me that was my best joke lol

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Really giving Abraham a run for his money in the shitty dad department

gellaho

Because they of course know what gravity and atmosphere is

GDC

what does Jakes think suns are?

FancyShark

Think?

gellaho

A twelve-month with the fur-fangs

gellaho

Buddies to hug

FancyShark

You don't avoid the Voice of Doom

GDC

You probably could settle down if you kept your mouth shut

gellaho

If only there were some kind of word for evening food

gellaho

Southern Ice is really into the Allman Brothers and grits

Well, rather than doing anything about this as a father, time to get space drunk

GDC

Magus and I just had the same idea.

gellaho

Because they were apparently able to smuggle fifty gallons of booze onto this ship

LyraV

I'll maybe talk to her about that eventually.

GDC

Compared to the space booze, the weight of a stowaway is just a rounding error

gellaho

Okay, so to point something stupid out (I know)

Just said four days out

GDC

i don't want to hug the milky suns

FancyShark

Jakes cut the scene where they had to double back to get chips and more beer from a gas station

gellaho

Typically when you say something is "<blank> days out," that means "<blank> days away," Jakes

Not that they've been traveling for that much time

Some rod maintenance

gellaho

Ifyouknowwhatimsaying

GDC

"realtime device on the main control console" is a lot of words for clock

FancyShark

awwwwww yeeeeeaaaaaah

LyraV

In a journey that never ends where nothing happens for 1000 more chapters.

gellaho

"She'll sense his hardness soon enough"

LyraV

No I'm ready bring it on, I hope they go back to the fucking wizard court.

LyraV

I bet she will heyooo

GDC

As soon as billy cats can manage

gellaho

Well, the murder has caught the attention of my daughter, but I'm much more worried about this jealousy

LyraV

Trust me they will point it out in a not subtle fashion she won't have to sense anything.

gellaho

Excuse me?

FancyShark

ewwwww

Even if that's beer-induced, ewwww

GDC

Hey, I just listened to that episode of SIF

gellaho

Yeasty and milky

gellaho

But somebody is taking a journey on something, so they have to be interrupted by warning alarms

That narrative rules

You fall asleep on any kind of vehicle, you best believe a klaxon is going to wake you up

FancyShark

If it's not a malfunction, it's pirates or a black hole or something

LyraV

Robin murders Catto

gellaho

I'll give Jakes this, power chamber is a great phrase

gellaho

Way better than engine room

Jesus Christ, about every third word of this paragraph is weird as hell

gellaho

I honestly don't even know where to start with that

GDC

I had to read that 4 times and I still don't understand

LyraV

it boggles the mind

FancyShark

I think it means someone was drinking with Maya and dropped the bottle or smashed it into something?

I don't get the significance of the slipper

GDC

Having a late night nutrient fluid

gellaho

So she tripped and pulled out a power rod... somehow? Maybe?

LyraV

'What's left of her'

gellaho

And a real unfortunate old-time use of groped

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

In lieu of a funeral, the crew held a modest wake for Cinderella at airlock no.3.

FancyShark

You think Magus is going to tell this story to the kids at the next birthday party he works?

gellaho

Yeah, that's how you check for a heartbeat

LyraV

One can only hope

gellaho

"Put your ear to her throat, see if she still has a pulse"

FancyShark

If Catto is pronounced "Kato", I'm going to flip a table

gellaho

No idea what these rods do

FancyShark

Because that line reminded me way too quickly of the Pink Panther

gellaho

Why are they damp?

Why are they sticking out so somebody can trip and accidentally knock them out?

Why does removing one emit bright white light that boils the blood?

FancyShark

...magic?

LyraV

It is both all consuming, boiling the blood but y'know not all that bad?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

In another time we'd call them nuclear control rods

gellaho

That doesn't explain anything

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

And we'd shoot them at Bond baddies to impale them

gellaho

Unless

Unless these are for some reason the same thing Tingo Spellhands had

But that would make no sense in this context

FancyShark

That must be it then

gellaho

Well, time for some murder

LyraV

I should have stayed with the sports sheep!

gellaho

The murder is interrupted by their arrival at Lightmark

gellaho

They probably should have brought the fat, crying descendant instead

FancyShark

Killing Robin with head trauma feels...I dunno. Too obvious?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

He's already survived it like 20 times, law of averages says it's gotta do him in at some point, right?

gellaho

And that seems like a good enough place to stop for now

FancyShark

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNN!

gellaho

Less than halfway through, ooh boy

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

hahaha, holy hell

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

lol

LyraV

Thanks? @gellaho this one tried to break me

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

i had a tummy ache and napped but damn.

GDC

whew, that was rough, thanks everyone

gellaho

Probably doesn't help that the fist forty pages took about 2 hours

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Yeesh, this one was a slog comparted to the first

Thanks Gellaho & gang

LyraV

I feel like we earned some kind of merit badge, I'm giving myself one right now in my head.

FancyShark

Have a good night, everyone! Don't drive a spaceship drunk!

LyraV

@gellaho you are the master of the book cage and let none of them escape.

gellaho

So pauses the 91th edition of The Book Cage

gellaho

May all of your spaceships be as long as several tall men are tall

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

Too rich and dense to consume in one sitting.

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 91.5 - The Planet Wizard Part II

Somehow this book about a fake wizard going to a planet of demons has devolved into a love triangle between Maya Blacklaw, Robin descendant of Dragonard, and a sociopathic, redheaded descendant of the Kodak corporation. They are on their way to planet Eastman Kodak to find the secrets of instant photography. Will they find it? How many more head injuries will our heroes sustain? Find out this Friday, 5pm Eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

And so, the Lords of the Exchange are:

1) Genmor - General Motors

2) Threem - 3M

gellaho

3) Xero - Xerox

4) Unilev - Unilever

5) Stanol - Standard Oil

6) Stanbrans - Standard Brands

7) Arsgrat -?

8) Easkod - Eastman Kodak

gellaho

I think Arsgrat might just be a reference to a story he wrote called "In the Days of King Arsgrat"

And it should be noted that Standard Oil stopped being a thing 21 years before John Jakes was even born, so I have no idea what it's doing in the future

Podcast Reference Thrillho

That giant lizard must love the feeling of that woman's hair in its nose

Ozzie

Possibly referring to ars gratia artis "art for art's sake"

gellaho

A profound commentary on the commerciality of art

maaaaaaaan

cake boi jakesy

There's also a good chance he came up with half of these names while on the toilet at work

Just staring at a client list like

Arsgrat has to be another publicly traded company on "the exchange" at the time

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

MGM's slogan, so maybe it's just a media conglomerate?

Putting way more thought into the lore of this world than Jakes probably did but it makes the most sense to me

gellaho

Coming up on the top of the hour, It's Johnathan Jacobs's The Planet Wizard Part II. In lieu of a preview, behold the wonders of planetary rotation.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Francis Scott Key omitting "the rockets' red spurt" from the national anthem was probably the right move, in hindsight

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

If your rocket spurts red, see a physician\space shaman immediately.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

And on the seventh day, God peeled the fuck outta there on his rocket sled

Brendan

BEHOLD

OUR PROPHET ARRIVES

gellaho

Time to boobs the process

Brendan

Mad Max but make it a rape dragon

FancyShark

Our Brendan! He's alive!

gellaho

I mean, tits to breast the process

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Whitesnake really scaled up.

hee hee, "scaled."

gellaho

So, to remove all sexiness. Imagine the wrinkled brown mass

cake boi jakesy

The Undertaker's entrance routine has become more elaborate over time

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

We've all woken up mostly nude tied upside down to a dragon head, am i right people?

PURPLE

gellaho

The theme of this chapter is "colors"

FancyShark

That crazy dry water

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Magus sits everyone down to talk about their feelings?

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

A cat's grin, so a cleft lip?

gellaho

Ending of course, with one of the characters turning into a rainbow

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Man if I had a nickel for every time someone was awkward after incidents in my power chamber.

FancyShark

Robin said little because any movement is going to jostle more of his brain out

GDC

I hope they sobered up before they tried to land.

FancyShark

The more you Robin

gellaho

But how tall is the man?

FancyShark

About 1/10th the longness of a ship

Brendan

Oh dang, when did Rachel become our god?

FancyShark

Just now!

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Seconds ago.

Worship at your leisure.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Whats that in apples?

FancyShark

Well, officially

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

When was she not?

GDC

We don't know if those are metric or imperial tall men

still 10 kilotallmen is pretty big either way

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Man, I miss a lot when I don't show up for book cage on time. I'm not even god anymore.

gellaho

Magus smuggled in his precious magician accouterments

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Obviously if they have to pick one man to measure by, it must be Tingo Spellhands

FancyShark

He's bringing stage magic props to a Stargate mission

Magus is either awesome or idiotic

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

THRILL as a shithead magician reloads his hankies!

GDC

None of his doves or rabbits survived the journey, sadly.

FancyShark

Food was scarce

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Rations were low. Sacrifices had to be made

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Stage magic and a tunic, he's got all the combined sex appeal of a magician and a ren faire attendee

gellaho

I hope you brought enough sticky blocks of nutrient for the entire class

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh goody I love tofu

FancyShark

Bullion cubes

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Delicious granola bars.

gellaho

Just as Hans Huygens foretold!

cake boi jakesy

Nooooooo morrereeeeeeee

FancyShark

Maya's switch to Shakespearean Melodrama mode

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

The brothers better not listen exclusively to hip-hop as opposed to country

GDC

Did maya just punch herself in the face?

gellaho

If they did, John Jakes would be some kind of soothsayer

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

would be?

gellaho

Just the most adorable li'l kilts

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Moist, like lizards.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"little kilt" so a miniskirt.

FancyShark

Kinda weird they're lizards riding lizards. It'd be like if a warband rode around on apes

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Okay but you would absolutely watch that movie.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

If they were once human and became lizard like, that's covergent evolution

Also, stupid

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Happy St. Patrick's Day to these kilted little weirdoes only

gellaho

These guys are really bad at using the one weapon they have

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I wonder if they taste like chicken........

gellaho

Like, real bad

cake boi jakesy

Wait so the Brothers are throwing spears

I don't like where this is going

FancyShark

What luck they were met by the Nerf tribe

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Jakes already said they had "dumb eyes" which seems a little mean.

Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters

maybe he meant they were silent eyes

incommunicative

un-?

gellaho

It is very racist against the secret lizard people that control the world

Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters

idk

GDC

Just the stupidest eyes they'd ever seen

gellaho

This is obviously the cleanest way to describe a laser gun

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

What does pale-sizzling sound like?

GDC

Whiteness destroys the brothers. This just keeps getting worse

gellaho

A true disservice to the lizard people

FancyShark

No contingency plans if a rider gets in any way unsettled

gellaho

Humanform

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Humanform is what alien archaeologists will call the common alphabet.

cake boi jakesy

Everyone pour one out for our fallen brother

gellaho

Good news:

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Eat him, its the only ethical thing to do.

FancyShark

Thank you, Jakes

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Aw man, I was hoping they were cyborgs

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also quit creeping on that dying lizard bro's ween, Magus.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Magus, why are you checking out his junk rn?

FancyShark

Yeah. Only human cyborgs can have junk