FancyShark
Yar
Also, CALLED IT
91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes
#2 Dragonard
Tags:
Which would decide the fate of Galaxy II - sorcery or science? Or, Magus Blacklaw - a false wizard trying to perform a miracle.
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Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He fucking crashed before we even met him and died after we did. He didn't even have an exciting plot coupon. Not exactly dealing with Billy Bones here
FancyShark
gellaho
Well, by forgetting a crucial "n" they now have a magical truck
GDC
The guy drunk drove a spaceship into a planet.
gellaho
Was that in the original printing?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Trunck
FancyShark
I think he spent longer dying than escaping from the demon planet
gellaho
Well, that's baffling
FancyShark
The last place anyone will look
gellaho
Negative quality control on this reprinting
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
gellaho
God, this is such a great book
FancyShark
"DO YOU FEEL REFRESHED?!"
LyraV
Nahhhhhhh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"Spider! Ahhhhh!"
gellaho
Magic!
FancyShark
Somehow Huygens not having the saddest death we've encountered makes it even sadder
GASP
TINGO!
gellaho
Magus fitting to cuckold this ugly woman's husband
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What a hero
FancyShark
Magus accidently sets her on fire
gellaho
Use these lines on your next excursion, fellas
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jesus, lady, right there in public?
You nasty.
gellaho
Boy, this is just straight up nonsense
gellaho
Just gibberish
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Words, words, words
FancyShark
You're not supposed to read the flavor text for magic spells, Magus
LyraV
This is how you end up summoning the Lich by accident.
gellaho
Then it's not really a cathedral, is it?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It was quiet except for the dudes loudly singing
There were no authorities except the patrolling watchmen
FancyShark
Cathedral does admittedly sound more badass than "secular religious structure"
LyraV
Twas dark but for all the illumination
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
There were no cathedrals except for the nonreligious one
There were no gargoyles except for the ones peering down from above
gellaho
A secular religious structure?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Just a fucking barnstormer of a non-paragraph
FancyShark
It's Jakes. I assume that's the term he'd use
gellaho
John Jakes is a master at describing people as pathetic as possible
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
STOP FINGERING IN PUBLIC
gellaho
Magus'attempts to prostitute himself are interrupted
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
pokes finger into and out of cinched opening of purse
FancyShark
"Dad! Quit being fucking gross!"
gellaho
Robin got hit in the head again
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hey, his eyes are up here, Magus.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Was it greasy and foul-smelling, this sweat?
FancyShark
Jesus. Buy the kid a helmet already
gellaho
All I did was get really drunk and tell everyone your stuff, what's the big deal?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Bootfalls and halloos
GDC
Robin is either immediately post-vomiting or immediately pre-vomiting.
FancyShark
Unless you have really problematic friends, I'm not sure how bragging about them starts a fight
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Four cups of wine and I'd be unconscious.
gellaho
robes
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Did you drink their wine?
gellaho
GDC
Gotta admit picking a fight with a ringwraith takes balls
FancyShark
Yeah. That's a five drink mistake, minimum
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
I find it hard to believe Magus' belly isn't already stone-heavy. All that trenchermanship.
gellaho
"Oh, right, I'm also wearing a robe. Not sure why I freaked out about that"
FancyShark
Now I want Rincewind to show up
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You can't expect me to be scared of robed figures when you've already told me they're wearing mandals, Jakes
gellaho
So really, really not a cathedral at all
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You and every botched Hitman run, pal
FancyShark
Typical stage magician night
gellaho
Or at least Wyrdrune. Early Wyrdrune anyway
GDC
i hope the pike made a boi-oi-oi-oing sound
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Maybe it's a deconsecrated cathedral?
FancyShark
If you don't end the night chased by a bloodthirsty mob, you're not drinking or magicking right
gellaho
The theme of the book has become "fat"
gellaho
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Them fatcat bureacrats, said the trencherman pot about the kettles.
GDC
karate chop to the neck flab!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
DEATHBLOW! DEATHBLOW! WINDMILL! MAGIC TRICK!
gellaho
The best defense is trippable robes
LyraV
Bureaucratic tumbling should be an Olympic event.
FancyShark
Just running in and kicking the ass of a bunch of desk jockies
GDC
I wish I could wear my robe to the office
gellaho
And then he's beaten a lot
FancyShark
CONK
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And this is enough of a problem that the small government monks are all issued fighting knives
gellaho
And now: court
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Senseless is exactly how I'd describe this subplot
FancyShark
Holy shit, they used their PIKES to bludgeon him?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Bringing pikes to a bludgeon fight, tsk.
FancyShark
There's no way the rest of this isn't his brain firing off random thoughts as he bleeds out
LyraV
Off there in the monkless distance
gellaho
The setting was "trumpery"
FancyShark
Jakes got a thesaurus for Christmas and knew his aunt wouldn't stop asking how much he enjoyed it until he did something drastic
gellaho
And now: thin
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Liverish?
gellaho
A land of contrasts
FancyShark
Don't be looking at another man's shanks, Magus
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
A wildcat did growl
gellaho
Hahaha, it's illegal to impersonate a wizard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Because why the fuck wouldn't it be
gellaho
OK, I know foxy meant the same thing it does now in 1969
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Using said impersonation to try and get in a plump matron's clove-smelling purse hole.
gellaho
Foxy Lady came out in 1967
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The judges glanced up at Magus, who we've already established was below them
LyraV
Aesop's Fables laid the groundwork for that
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
You know you're a sweet little LAW-BREAKER
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He likes to tell people that but I think that's just sour grapes.
gellaho
8 Mile
LyraV
Perfect hehehe this is a perfect joke!
gellaho
Sick burn
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
The prosecutor is a wild boar.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Did he just try to use "wizard" as a slur
gellaho
Hahahahahaha
GDC
or maybe a sport boar
LyraV
That was quick
gellaho
You know, how cathedrals do
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Those are the catacombs, homes.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
We don't really schedule executions down here. The headsman will get to you when he gets to you
LyraV
Soggy with what?!
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
buddy we can sit here and use all kinds of things as a slur
LyraV
Onion juice
GDC
This is the cathedral from Diablo
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Whatever they sopped out of the sour pot.
gellaho
Everything sweats in II Galaxy. And constantly
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Greasy, foul-smelling sweat.
FancyShark
Do they at least have a food tube and a waste tube?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
2 Galaxy is profoundly moist.
GDC
Could you give the cell measurements in tall men?
gellaho
Still terrified of that wire spool
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
How many meccanodogs can fit inside?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Could it fit Huygens?
FancyShark
It's not really a "good idea" if you can't make it work
FancyShark
Never
gellaho
Gonna spit some sweet rhymes once he's back from the nutrient mess
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What if you pushed really hard
Jowled. Authority. Rapster.
gellaho
Most people don't know this, but John Jakes invented hip-hop
FancyShark
Dude's flow is sick
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
A real lyrical miracle
gellaho
It's your boy, Weenie Dragonard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Stand out of his -way
LyraV
Nooooooo he haunts me
FancyShark
Hits his head on the door frame
gellaho
Oh, so now it's small
LyraV
I found a note in my planner that just says 'Dragonard make it real' I see it every day and I have no idea what it means
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
This trunk is shifting dimensions.
FancyShark
Compared to Huygens, everything is small
gellaho
Are you a secret mentalist?
sniff
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It was big enough to be lugged a chapter ago. Now Robin can carry this shit under one arm
gellaho
Disgusting, wanting their chuckle credits
FancyShark
Bootleg laughter is no joke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Renew your subscription to 1900Hotdog today!
gellaho
This is setting up to be a real weird threesome
GDC
This moment is getting overripe
gellaho
"Quiet, I hear the beat of the authoritative rapsters"
LyraV
Then they made out for a while right?
FancyShark
"Character growth has occurred. Trust me. I'm a writer."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
<muffled authority rap playing in the distance>
gellaho
Terrifying gizmos and doodads
LyraV
Look no one knows why the dwemer left their ruins behind we get it.
gellaho
Yes, yes! I have mastered the fidget spinner!
gellaho
I AM A WIZARD!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Shit, that's all it takes to be a wizard?
FancyShark
It's the same feeling you get when you figure out the keyboard shortcuts
LyraV
It felt surprisingly similar to being a jerky old fraud.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The magic was within him all along!
FancyShark
Well, he was pulling it out his ass
gellaho
I'd probably use some kind of negative metaphor in this case, but let it flow Jakes
gellaho
"He might be decapitated, but that necklace sure was beautifyl"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Magus was about to be executed. His escape plan was working perfectly.
FancyShark
"He fixed a menacing stare like delicate moonlight on fresh fallen snow"
gellaho
Just a planet of uggos
FancyShark
What if Magus is just being an asshole and these people all look fine?
gellaho
Just so sweaty
FancyShark
Really did not expect this book to spend so long as a courtroom drama
gellaho
Fusty
LyraV
That's not a real word, it can't be. Brb
FancyShark
FancyShark
Bad news, @LyraV
LyraV
Fuck I learned something today!
And it's me I am old fashioned in my styles! It's good to know there's still new things to learn.
gellaho
They are really frightened of these toys
FancyShark
Now he's burned as a witch
gellaho
He's working with his spheres and rectangles
gellaho
F- name.
FancyShark
oop
gellaho
Three pages to describe a shitty Polaroid
FancyShark
Laaaaaaaaame
gellaho
Suddenly, a tall man with a mustache knows all
gellaho
LyraV
They could have found a lady with crystals in NM to do that same thing after smoking a joint.
gellaho
Just as suddenly he is rebuked and sent away
FancyShark
How long is the tall man?
hahahaha
Like a Monty Python sketch
gellaho
You are legally a wizard
FancyShark
Even more nerdy than a wizard is the wizard who proves it in a court of law
LyraV
Are you sure we don't need a few more months of playing around with led lights?
gellaho
And everything is cool, time for celebration right?
Wrong, the bailiffs are back
FancyShark
GASP
gellaho
Butts forward
FancyShark
Hawt
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The blunt end of the pike, naturally
FancyShark
[bludgeoning sounds]
gellaho
And... back to getting hit in the head
gellaho
Also, "tapster"
FancyShark
Like Fred Astaire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If the tapsters and rapsters ever combined their powers they would be unstoppable
GDC
wencher, trencher, tapster and bailiff
gellaho
And we all know the high capability of sunburnt bailiffs
LyraV
They tuned up their attack to an A.
gellaho
Robin really should wear a helmet
FancyShark
At the rate he's going, he's not going to have much skull left to protect
gellaho
You know how you bathe in air
FancyShark
It's why every razor commercial ends with someone splashing air on their face
gellaho
And now: more old men in robes
FancyShark
Ah good, more fats
well, one
LyraV
They could hardly be differentiated except for all the flipping differences
GDC
The Rainbow Governors
gellaho
So, anyway, they force him to go to Lightmark
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
wump wump
gellaho
All Jakes' favorite words: lurid, fat, fusty
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Story of my life
GDC
Lurid, Fat Fusty is a much better slogan than Live, Laugh, Love
gellaho
Four hired Johhny Bravos
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
gellaho
And, you'd never guess what this last guy looks like
GDC
Wait, yellow boots?
gellaho
Fat
FancyShark
Jakes never wanders far from the comfort zone
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Jesus, they kept going on about how 2 Galaxy was a nuclear hellscape, but most people seem to be eating just fine
gellaho
Magus accidentally replaced his sword with a snake
FancyShark
Everyone's got a glandular problem or something
gellaho
10 ft sheep are surprisingly fatty
gellaho
They have been doused in nuclear rain, so maybe
FancyShark
Oooh, good point
gellaho
Just a king of naming
gellaho
Undefeated
FancyShark
Fuckin' champ
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Finally, a sci-fi setting where tubby schlubs can thrive
gellaho
Was it?
gellaho
FancyShark
Community college, maybe?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Mostly it signifies being fucking insufferable on Twitter
LyraV
Sisyphus would have given up on this book by now.
gellaho
Easkod
FancyShark
That's an anagram for "sad koe", a rare freshwater fish
gellaho
FancyShark
Or that
Which is somehow stupider
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Good grief.
gellaho
That was also one of the names of the Lords of the Exchange
GDC
Jakes did not anticipate digital photography
gellaho
So if you are wondering why all those names were so stupid, it's because he randomly messed with actual company names
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
He is a builder of worlds
FancyShark
I remember he messed with some place's name in the last book, but I can't remember the location
LyraV
Worse that makes it worse somehow
gellaho
The bosom cube
FancyShark
Banishing fear has a few bugs to work out
gellaho
Caress the magic cube
gellaho
Cry for the magic cube
