91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes

FancyShark

They did not miss these rains down in Africa

LyraV

He died in the middle of his dick? Am I reading that right.

FancyShark

The untold cost of viagra

LyraV

'He died in the middle of his manhood' is a weird phrase.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

autofellatio asphyxiation?

gellaho

In this book? Seems unlikely

Anyway, here's "accursed"

FancyShark

That sentence get away from you, Jakes?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hate to have my fantastic appearance glibly described by peasants who had never seen me

gellaho

The Old Wizard Phlebos

LyraV

Don't let him cough on you!

FancyShark

Named when his parents sneezed

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

old wizard phlebos taught him skepticism

gellaho

The discord is thinking of distributing ha'credits based on how funny you are

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

remember not to condemn me if you haven't seen me

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

1900FunBux!

FancyShark

Because there are ha'pennies, so obviously Jakes is an idiot

gellaho

The better method? Close-up magic!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"No no your countryman's soul is totally in this fireball I swear"

FancyShark

He's bullying people with stage magic?

gellaho

Let the fools not be fooled by their foolishness

LyraV

He will also try to convince you he's not a total mess in a relationship, don't be fooled. It comes right after the sleight of hand.

FancyShark

Yeah, OBVIOUSLY HE'S NOT BOTHERED BY HIS LACK OF SCRUPLES

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

THREE ill never get over it

FancyShark

Sorry, it feels like Jakes is taunting us

gellaho

Fucking

Fucking

Booze

Fire

Murder

FancyShark

This Rorschach test is productive

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"It's not the size of the sword, it's how you use it", he insists to himself in between calling himself a sack of barley

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

charcoal chips dont sound tasty

oh nevermind i transposed some words

LyraV

Um he was talking about swordfighting right or did he mean Really using his sword?

gellaho

I'm not past my prime, but I am uneducated and limited in skill

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"I may not know much,"

FancyShark

A man deals with insecurities. THE PLANET WIZARD!

gellaho

And then he goes through all of it again in reverse

FancyShark

nealty?

LyraV

Is he going to start the Sheep NBA? Trade sheep teams with the guy across the hill.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Am I past my prime? No, it's my prime that's wrong about me.

gellaho

His lack of skill is very neat

Limned

FancyShark

Limed against the tree

gellaho

That does not help

gellaho

She stood described in words

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

I've seen it used as meaning silhouetted in dim light

FancyShark

Jakes is writing his notes to himself as narrative

gellaho

BAAAAAAIIIIILIIIIIIIFFS!!!

FancyShark

Bailiff is becoming the "smurf" of this book

LyraV

Much better now that you mentioned spitting me through? I guess

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

i remember those bonding moments when my dad said he'd nearly murdered me

gellaho

Liquidation is no place for a woman

gellaho

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Well spit me through the stomach and damn me for a bailiff!

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

(Explains a lot, doesn't it?)

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh THAT'S the word you wish you hadn't used, huh

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

"it's a woman's place to sob"

gellaho

John Jakes briefly remembered actual names exist

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Fuck you buddy i only cried once today

FancyShark

Smash cut to Maya in therapy. The therapist is on her fourth notepad

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

This dude sucks. Bring back Dragonard

gellaho

She had already exhibited thirteen personalities

gellaho

She cried a lot more than that, Magus only remembered the single tear afterwards

Suddenly

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

New Brussels

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

a shard of fire

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The most dangerous place in 2 Galaxy

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

you know how fire comes in shards

gellaho

Skysled crash!

FancyShark

"Shard of Fire" was the "Old Town Road" of its day

Silence of the Sport Sheep wasn't well received

gellaho

You know what that means! Raid the corpse!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Short, black, and streamlined - words that instantly summon a sled to mind

FancyShark

As fas as he could tell

gellaho

Thinking-machine

GDC

The magician grifter hates lawbreakers

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

let's take a moment to acknowledge that he called the pastoral planet Pastora

gellaho

SPORT SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

GDC

That's not a sport sheep, that's a dire sheep

LyraV

He is a man of contradiction, I can relate to that at least

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Iceballs?! Is that a wizard thing?

FancyShark

"You know what it's like to have frozen balls in your mouth, right, reader?"

gellaho

Ten Feet Tall and Glowing Horns

The flock of sports

FancyShark

Woolly Wave!

gellaho

And now, who is this strapping lad with the fancy ring

FancyShark

Magus is just experiencing what it's like to have insomnia

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Kamandi?

FancyShark

Fuck yeah. Herding with a sword!

gellaho

The lights are so bright as to blind

gellaho

Dude's basically herding blindingly bright wooly mammoths

FancyShark

Dude's also going full Yosemite Sam

gellaho

Too bad he fell in a hole

FancyShark

woop

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

A fur-barrow, huh

FancyShark

He died as he lived: Spewing a stream of curses at sheep

gellaho

Dad of the year

FancyShark

Only a woman would mention a death

gellaho

Magus then dodges teats

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Story of my life

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

can't relate

FancyShark

Dodgem Teats

LyraV

I forgive myself for my womanly outburst of wanting to knife him.

gellaho

Perfect comedy, no notes

GDC

This shepherd seems pretty bad at their job

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

So does this author, to be fair

FancyShark

At this rate, they're not going to have a job much longer

LyraV

I feel like he's trying his best

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

He is the greatest named of all time though

gellaho

And your brain is fine, I'm sure

FancyShark

"Blorp," the shepard replied

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Professional medical opinion

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

You always see the best in people, lyra

you need to stop doing that, it's had you date three magicians

gellaho

Golden eyes, eh

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

fucker probably plays oddjob

FancyShark

Saluted with his sword, which means he just chopped off an eyebrow

gellaho

"Yes, I am a fake wizard. Can I have some food?"

FancyShark

"I could have let you die."

gellaho

Maya is into headwounds

FancyShark

"When you were dodging those teats, it was so hot"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

New Delft, huh

gellaho

"My uncle's dead. Whatever."

FancyShark

"The flock hates me. I gain nothing from them."

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The Yokels of Pastora is a much better name for this book thus far

gellaho

That was her dad

FancyShark

Sorry, I'll correct it

"When you were dodging my dad's teats, that was so hot"

gellaho

Should probably get that scalp checked out

gellaho

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

GIF

FancyShark

Points

"What thing that?"

gellaho

gasp

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh great, he's a legacy.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

The legend! Greatest of all the Nards!

FancyShark

The mythical people with anger issues!

gellaho

It is pretty funny

FancyShark

See?! Anger issues!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hereditary anger issues. Who'd a thunk it

GDC

Wait why would geographies have information about royal families

gellaho

Especially since they replaced most of his body to fix it

Maya is into it

FancyShark

I'm going to assume Robin's ancestor did not hook up with the awesome warrior lady

gellaho

"I like the way you threaten to kill me, son"

FancyShark

Please. Thurd and Sworg are daughter names

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

This dude talking down about peasants like he didn't just get his ass beat by his own sports sheep

gellaho

Considering Maximillian was brunette and she was red haired and this kid is blonde

FancyShark

I see Jakes has hit the "tell the audience to like this character" phase of shitty writing

gellaho

Oh, right, the possibly dying guy

FancyShark

The pilot has been busy trying to cauterize the stumps of his legs with a piece of burning metal

gellaho

And another personality shift

FancyShark

Maya's middle name is "Plotdevice"

gellaho

And shift again

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I love my daughter and only want the best for her, that slattern wench with her womanly outbursts

GDC

Calling your daughter a wench is creepy

Ozzie

At least he didn't call her a trench

gellaho

I like this kid, but not that much, also daughter might be too tough although that changes on a second by second basis

gellaho

And Robin might be having a stroke

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Head injuries are nothing to fuck with

FancyShark

"I'm glad my daughter is hot to some people," thought our hero.

gellaho

Okay, okay

So

I don't want to oversell this

But this may be my favorite description of all time

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

gellaho

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hahaha he wasn't wrong

GDC

Incredible

gellaho

Like, that would be perfect for something that was supposed to be funny

Ozzie

"No, man, taller than you're thinking"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

You know a tall man? Think like, ten times longer than that.

FancyShark

But like, long

Longer than tall

GDC

A skysled is one decatallman

gellaho

I legitimately laughed out loud for like five minutes and closed stopped reading because I knew it was perfect for this

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

How many Ariana Grandes 🤔

GDC

is that metric or imperial tall mans?

gellaho

A very colorful crash

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

Nope that's just the reefer

FancyShark

A stink of roasting and dying also describes many buffet restaurants

GDC

This guy has a thing for colored wires

gellaho

Oh, no. The crash got his balls

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

How do you even fuck up your balls in a sled crash

FancyShark

You're supposed to tuck and roll to avoid this exact situation

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

his iceballs?

gellaho

AKA tattooed

FancyShark

Tree

gellaho

Start up the personality shifter

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Jesus, what kind of caricature do you have to be for even your eyelids to be fat

FancyShark

The party magician is proud that his daughter is unfazed by the sight of corpses

gellaho

He's swollen in all the wrong places

Hans Huygens

FancyShark

And he talks like a pirate

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Too old to wrestle a sky sled alone, so they let me pilot one alone, naturally

gellaho

Don't get too attached

GDC

You need to be strong to pilot a sky sled, they don't have power steering

FancyShark

Any medication. Get him some Flintstones vitamins

gellaho

Huygen's is having a great time

gellaho

Well, had

FancyShark

"But we won't tell you that. It was cool, though. Trust me."

gellaho

A regular Chet, this Hans Huygens

FancyShark

Wait, is he still dying?

gellaho

This is in the past

FancyShark

oh

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

He died, but here's all the stuff he did before he died

gellaho

Huygen's got that junk in the trunk

FancyShark

"I just told you!"

gellaho

Gimcracks

FancyShark

Tamogachis

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Gimcrack and hokum, i tells ya

FancyShark

Sundries and miscellany

gellaho

Well, at least the lizard people have tits

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Tchotchkes and bric-a-brac

As they should

FancyShark

There are Brothers and lady Brothers. We don't have a word for the latter

gellaho

Plume had a plume, eh

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Boy sisters and lady brothers, i tells ya

Jesus, he's still dying.

He died six paragraphs ago and he's still fucking dying.

gellaho

Huygen's really getting the raw end of description

FancyShark

"They hit my head a lot first." is very funny in all this desperate narration

gellaho

Trippy

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"Balls of jelly" is my takeaway here

FancyShark

Uh huh. So you had a lot of head trauma, you said? You don't think that had any effect on what you saw?

gellaho

Nasty high cockalorum

FancyShark

The sun disappears over the horizon and still the grotesque ball of suet will not die

gellaho

Yes, I'm guessing they weren't eluded by the tubby guy with the fucked up brain

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Nothing better than broth and saltmeat for a long winded soliloquy

gellaho

You're really getting the Jakesian style

Exhausted and drunk, I wonder why he crashed

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Ten leagues?!?

FancyShark

Drinking through the crash is a power move

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

That is well outside the scope of human ability, even with good cardio

FancyShark

How many tall men long is ten leagues?

gellaho

And he's a fat tub of shit!

gellaho

Roughly a groce

The Hauntplace was the brown note all along

GDC

"control failure" is more of a self-control thing than a technical one

FancyShark

It doesn't get less silly the more you say it, Jakes!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

His bowels grew taut as the ghost of Taco Bell finally caught up with him

GDC

The Haunt Place is scary for the exact reason you might expect: bears.

gellaho

Really giving him a dignified death

gellaho

I like that he's worried about not living up to the example set by Huygens

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hey Jake. Fuck you too, buddy.

FancyShark

Jakes was bullied by someone name Huygens, wasn't he

GDC

Huygens dies, farting for 30 consecutive seconds

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Deflating like a bounce house

gellaho

"Could I possibly do as well as this dying man with a trunkful of crap I haven't even seen yet?"

FancyShark

Somehow, his dying breath sounds like a disappointed moan

GDC

The trunk is just full of empty liquor bottles

gellaho

No, just blows a blood bubble

FancyShark

"We've got nearly 73 cents worth of glass here!"

GDC

"eww" Maya wiped her hands off.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Maya sprang the fuck away from that like she got jumpscared

FancyShark

"Gross. Fat piece of shit. I hope you're in hell."

gellaho

Now time to loot!

GDC

Jakes just discovered the word chromium the morning he wrote this page

FancyShark

"This sucks. Let's strip the corpse for parts."

gellaho

The new bailiff

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

His spine itched.

gellaho

I'm guessing old Phlebos hadn't heard of the miracles of plastic

gellaho

FancyShark

It's no nysteel

gellaho

You will not defeat me, spool of wire! No matter how terrifying you are!

FancyShark

Careful! It could be a snake posing as ethernet cabling!

GDC

They're debating the existence of technology over diagrams they pulled out of a spaceship

LyraV

Spools are terrifying what can I say?

GDC

That would explain all the descriptions of colored wires

gellaho

Don't pull logic into this

Then you'll be questioning how he knew that the dogs were filled with wire or what wire even was

FancyShark

The key to good sci-fi is to make basic tech magic so you don't have to think up new things

gellaho

Look, I know he's dead, but let's not elevate Huygens to pirate