92: Crash Landing Nicole Davidson

#2 Crash Course

Tags: The Year of Pain

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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 92 - Crash Landing
We've had lots of fun with Dragonards and Frank, Joe, and Tom, but the Year of Pain must soldier on. And as such, we are revisiting one of our new friends: Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson. It's the sequel to Crash Course! How has Kelly recovered since the murderous SAT prep course that ruined her life? Well, a ski trip at that exact same location should help! Join me and a bunch of shitty teens on the slopes this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
Coming up at the top of the hour it's Nicole Davidson's/Kathryn Jensen's/Kathryn Johnson's Crash Landing. Here is the knife preview
gellaho
Apparently some kind of punch stab
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You can't just kill a person for sentence fragments!
FancyShark
I hope this doesn't affect her SAT scores
I know the well for that joke is dry, but if she's revisiting it, so can we
gellaho
Time to begin the process
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Will we beat our all time high of One slasher murder in tonight's slasher outing? Time will tell
FancyShark
I hope they pulled the teacher out of that sinkhole since the last book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I cant wait for the whole book to imply that the happenings are supernatural and then reveal that no of course not.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I hope they didn't
gellaho
Previously on Crash Course
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Welcome to Deep Creek. Not a creek, but a lake.
We have intentionally named it wrong. As a joke.
FancyShark
MTV will never stop showing videos
gellaho
The depression of the flamboyantly dressed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
GDC
Seems weird to go skiing here, what with all the trauma
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Watch out for Gwyneth Paltrow!
FancyShark
Trauma makes for good slopes
gellaho
Boy, looking forward to a whole book of this sad girl shit
gellaho
Most way-cool teacher
GDC
I hope kelly becomes a goth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly you need some hair dye and My Chemical Romance?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The high school requires one whole ski advisor
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Some lacy gloves? I can get my friend to recommend some solid eyeliner.
FancyShark
I bet that award goes on her resume
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Unless they're Eddie Lacy gloves, in which case get thee to football club posthaste
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Also how white is your school if you have a ski advisor?
And a whole ass ski club?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
As white as the driven snoโ€” hey wait
gellaho
โœ… Redhead
GDC
As white as the slopes that are their classr-yeah.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Jeff just wanted to weasel out of having to tell someone about something.
FancyShark
Annette, you didn't hear about how a student died in this place? Under school supervision?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Brian wasn't exactly well known or well liked
gellaho
Too focused on the slopes, baby
FancyShark
In terms of best friends, he was the way-best
gellaho
Will O' the Wisp
FancyShark
"Thanks for the reminder, Annette"
GDC
"they didn't like Brian, much"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Not drowned, WAS drowned, Kelly. Active voice, not passive.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is Kelly not aware she could have just. Stayed home
FancyShark
Kelly's too sad to remember she has independence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And miss out on the chance to sad girl?
Not missing a chance to sad girl is very teen girl, my sister never did.
gellaho
That is very convenient for this sequel
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
My sister would have KILLED to have one of her friends drown.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They'd have been pleased TO DEATH, is what you're saying
GDC
Sad Girl Exposition is a great name for an emo band.
FancyShark
"Incidentally, did you hear that hospital lost all of their door locks?"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Kelly, of COURSE Paula was mentally ill, you think girls like Paula could possibly NOT be mentally ill?
gellaho
This some strong fiveshadowing
FancyShark
Paula tried to crush you with a boulder because she couldn't die with Brian. Kelly? Did you forget that?
I think Annette's realizing she's made one decision she regrets
gellaho
That was mentioned in the exhaustive recap I skipped
Jeff seen here in his Bond henchman costume
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Annettes decision she regrets is sleeping with Chad Henswick, the ski instructor from Denver.
FancyShark
Kelly's still an idiot, which is really all we need to know
gellaho
And sexually harassing a teacher
GDC
I think that we're going to see a lot of that
gellaho
I'm also pretty sure that last book ended with Nathan hating all of them, but whatever
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Jeff.
FancyShark
"Nathan's anemic! Let's party!"
gellaho
He also recovered from that deep stab wound pretty quickly
GDC
Jeff flushed Nathan's meds down the toilet as a prank
gellaho
Considering it was in November
FancyShark
Classic Jeff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
We stitched him up and now hes fine.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It was really more of a flesh wound
FancyShark
Arteries grow back
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I've seen Hellraiser, they totally can
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
They infused him with gecko blood, he's better than ever.
Ramb$ne
Blood geckos are a completely different story
gellaho
Frank Riley is what happens when Frank Hardy and Con Riley get in a transporter accident
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Cruvix
FancyShark
@LyraV ! @Brendan ! You're missing out on the angst!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Probably came to keep his wife from fucking Chad Hemswick again.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I've never thought to stop dialogue to identify a character for one sentence then back into it.
Or at least not with a paragraph break for that one sentence
gellaho
Nathan out here complaining about this useless cripple
GDC
should've been a footnote
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Or that info presented some other way.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nathan really trying to sell himself as either the first victim or the murderer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Its fine, you can still get wood sometimes if you can't walk, Frank. I'm sure your wife still loves you.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Like Annette saying, "My husband worries too much"
FancyShark
Nothing endears you to a group like bitching about the disabled
gellaho
Hey look, another Jeff
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh Jesus, he's got two Chad first names. This is one to watch
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I love when a personality is "Drives a cool car."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
A massive hunk of what?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah Vin Diesel is great
GDC
Will Tanner's got big Beef McLargeHuge energy.
gellaho
Bleached Angel
FancyShark
Will Tanner would go on to star in Alf
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Boooo. Give us an actual Goth
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Hey, it's only in college on a campus with restricted parking for on campus students that a guy with a car gets invited everywhere.
GDC
We're down one goth girl, Kelly, you need to step up
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Being on Alf is the closest he will ever come to eating pussy.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I only knew one goth named Angel and she was insufferable.
gellaho
Didn't know you could do worse than Mr. Pizza
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I was dating her bestie and she got so jealous.
FancyShark
"Goth girl finds religion after witnessing someone die" feels less plausible than anything else so far
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So is it pronounced Pizzazz or Pizza-zz
GDC
The usual pipeline is goth -> wiccan
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And two pubs which will go unnamed
FancyShark
Look, kid, I got customers. Just order already.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Shenanigans? Does this take place in White River Junction?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The only goth girl in my school made us call her Salubria Indica.
gellaho
What a likable character
LyraV
Better than skiing in the dark I suppose?
FancyShark
hahaha, Will definitely has an STI
GDC
Silly Annette, rich people don't need to learn to be better
Ramb$ne
More like... Won't has an STI, amirite?
gellaho
Suddenly:
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
And I doubt they do in college
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
If he doesnt yet Annette will give him one.
FancyShark
Frank, you prankster!
GDC
Relax Kelly, he's just getting the charcuterie board ready
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"I made brownies, want one?"
Ramb$ne
Frankster*
gellaho
If there was only someway we could evade this guy in a wheelchair!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Oh hell yeah, are we getting a "disabled people can be murderers too!"?
GIF
FancyShark
Nice the knife is handicap accessible
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Waxy gray orbs, what a great image for a living human's eyes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's a vampire!!
GDC
He sounds like an Oblivion character
gellaho
"No, your real name"
FancyShark
He's rheumatic
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
No-nonsense teacher-stare
gellaho
"No, his real name"
FancyShark
GEE
GDC
Golly!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Golly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"This is all a huge misunderstanding. I just like scuttling out of vents and grabbing shiny objects, its a new teen thing called "goblin mode". Everyone is doing it."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Willikers
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Sockamagee!
FancyShark
"We're with the law firm of Potter and York"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Angel is so thirsty she will fuck a Troy and learn why you dont fuck a Troy.
gellaho
"Well, this is the worst excuse I've ever heard. Straight to juvy"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Keine
FancyShark
Well, you're horrible, Kelly. So probably not flirting.
Except he's a teenage boy, so yeah, flirting
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You could have just said "blindingly white" to describe him and left it at that, tbh. The jumpsuit is just a hat on a hat
GDC
What's the thing where you see a rare word once and then see it again right away? https://twitter.com/midnight_pals/status/1639331870029799424
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly needs to learn the difference between flirting and ogling.
gellaho
Sure, a great time to start doing that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, writer, just kick him straight in the nuts while you're at it.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
This is his version of cracking his knuckles while flexing his biceps.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I cant tell if the author is horny for Frank or wants us to think he's capable of murder.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"Lemme at 'em!"
gellaho
That doesn't explain anything
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
WEED
FancyShark
FISH
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It was more of a "window-slightly-ajar and entering", officer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
PEMMICAN!
LyraV
Hell yeah
GDC
Nathan's been into the devil's lettuce
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Parsley?! THE FIEND!
FancyShark
Jeremy has FOMO about open windows
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Kale
gellaho
Her thinking this makes sense explains why she's the ski instructor and not an actual teacher
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's smuggling corpse flowers through Wisp Mountain!
FancyShark
"Without his Predator goggles, how can he see in the snow?"
"That makes sense."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Nathan inhaling the perfume of the Black Lotus.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I had no idea they make prescription ski goggles instead of just wearing ski goggles over glasses.
gellaho
A really super memorial run
GDC
Ski the pain away
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I do know that they have prescription eye protection
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"How the fuck am I supposed to ski a run, dumbass? Those are two completely different verbs. Fuckingโ€” you know what, just leave me to my sadness, you fucking freakazoid."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Brian, screaming from Hell: "NO FUCK YOU I HATED SKIIING! I WANT TO NOT BE DEAD YOU FOOL!"
FancyShark
Good god, Kelly. Just toss a rock in the lake if you're going for that level of commemoration
gellaho
Time to Sonny Bono this shit
LyraV
Yeah let me snap my bones for BRIAN
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Deathwish" Kelly!
FancyShark
"If I die stupidly, it's the best way to honor his pointless death."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Brian would want me to join him in death, is what Angel should be thinking.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
GDC
We're doing the eye-opener eyes closed. It's what Brian would have wanted
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Next, Ill try to eat an entire horse. For Brian."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Maybe she'll get a sweet wheelchair like Frank
Then they can both do menacing chair pushups at trespassers.
FancyShark
Then she can stab people!
GDC
Learn from his mistake though, and tie your knife to a broomstick
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Oh Sadgirl Teentimes would LOVE to have a wheelchair and be sad about not being able to walk anymore.
gellaho
This is a great time to get easily distracted
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Imagine the sick skateboarding tricks you could do on the halfpipe with a wheelchair
That faceโ€”!
It was BRIAN!!
gellaho
Damn my lack of self-control!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
For an instant, she forgot she was skiing
FancyShark
Well, her eyes are opened
gellaho
Sick burn on Brian saying he looked like a girl
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The cool thing about wheelchairs is you can mod them. Get an engine on there, add some nitro and a rocket assist and you're doing Mad Max: Accessibility Edition.
FancyShark
"JUST WALK AW- oh, sorry"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Makes me think of that dude in The Peripheral whose name escapes me.
GDC
Charles Xavier?
gellaho
The commonly known explosive thud
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Or the dude in Alien Resurrection who had a whole ass arsenal in his ride.
Boooooooo I wanted Kelly to be spitting tree bark and teeth!
FancyShark
Yes, the multiple DO NOT SKI UNLESS YOU ARE A PRO signs were warning about muscle strain
GDC
Or the thing in Dead Rising 2 where you taped a machine gun to the wheelchair and trash talk with a stephen hawking voice
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
One of only a handful of good things about that movie
gellaho
Kathryn really understands the teen experience
FancyShark
The rest of this book is Kelly's brain constructing a fantasy as it drips out of her shattered skull
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I mean Thud was pretty great, I don't know if I'd call it an explosive book tho
FancyShark
Ski accidents are the leading cause of lesbianism. That's science.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The other leading cause is murder, incidentally
gellaho
Kelly once again divines someone's trauma from a single look
GDC
Jeremy's dad's hobby is buying community centres in low income neighborhoods and turning them into strip malls
gellaho
FancyShark
Lesbians are hardcore, is the point
gellaho
waits for a round of applause
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah Kelly thinks Troy is HARD EDGED lmao.
GDC
Troy practiced that line in the mirror for like, 2 hours
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Conner
FancyShark
Troy's 'Nam flashback is over
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god, there is a vampire in this story
FancyShark
"He knows about danger. He's seen orange vests."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Practicing his mean mug in a mirror, Kelly.
gellaho
Kelly decides that it is a great idea to become friends with/flirt with this "wounded" boy she just caught breaking into her cabin
GDC
Classic sad girl move
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"YAY SODAS!"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Golly gee a strawberry phosphate for me!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kids come running for the fizzy bubbles that expand their stomach lining over time to the point that they lose all sense of proportional hunger and satiety!
FancyShark
"It's just like being around my dead friend! As he is now."
gellaho
Uncaffeinated. Real hardcore
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"D-do you want to get one s-soda with t-two straws, Troy?"
"Sounds dangerous. Germs and all. Backwash."
Swoon
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Remembering she hadn't had breakfast today, she ate two potato chips and called it a meal
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Two chips? you fucking oinker
FancyShark
Lay's "Remember: You Didn't Have Breakfast Today" marketing scheme is working!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
BBQ is a solid choice.
gellaho
No, Kelly, you fucking moron. She killed him. And tried to kill you by repeatedly hitting you in the head with a rock
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Better than cool ranch, for breath purposes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I hope for Kelly's sake those chips were Middleswarths. All else is folly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
No, Kelly. It was a literal murder.
Like a for real murder.
gellaho
And also, you know, stabbed Nathan
But who wouldn't
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Lets be honest, that is probably not the first time Nathan has been stabbed and wont be the last time.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
As in slain, cut down, snuffed, whacked, knocked off...
gellaho
Not eating and strenuous exercise. Kelly's looking for a hardcore fainting soon
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Probably the first time he wasnt stabbed for "Looking at my girl" or "Are you wearing a wire" or "beer money".
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Shuffled down the mortal coil to join the choir invisibleโ€ฆ
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahahh imagining Kelly having all that much weight to lose BEFORE Brian died.
GDC
"I'll eat tonight" makes you sound like a vampire
gellaho
It is impossible for these authors to write "licked their lips" normally
GDC
"At dusk, I feast"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"It looks like an umbrella. Maybe a gun."
GDC
It's a public ski hill, Kelly, you're going to see lots of people
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
It's all leading up to a faint when she sees the next shocking thing.
gellaho
I think Kelly needs glasses
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
God I hope its Paula and they let her out on a weekend pass.
gellaho
Also, Troy's just following her around for all this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's imprinted on her like a puppy
FancyShark
Like how people leave wreathes on the bumpers of the cars that have hit pedestrians
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And hopefully not like a werewolf
gellaho
Because Kathryn can't write a book where a strange boy(s) follows the main dumbass girl around
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Honestly if I was hanging out with a cute redhead in the woods there arent too many places I wouldnt follow her.
Like bear caves.
GDC
Especially one with big sad girl energy
gellaho
I mean, all the characters are dumbasses but you know
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Weird empty looking cabins.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Hoping for werewolves ๐Ÿ˜
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Abandoned mines.
GDC
torch-ringed pits with lots of bones in the middle
FancyShark
You live in a wasteland, Sausage?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah. Iowa.
FancyShark
HEYOOO
gellaho
How is this where the lake was
gellaho
That cabin was in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by trees
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
To be fair the abandoned mine game here isnt that strong.
gellaho
Trees, you know, the things you don't want to ski near
FancyShark
Tourists come from miles around to see the constant sinkholes
gellaho
Also that
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Or......MAYBE Brian knew more than one or two girls?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
When in Wisp Mountain, visit beautiful Utapau!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Like he had a cousin or something.
gellaho
The many, many strange ground holes
FancyShark
To be fair, skiing with pitfalls sounds like a cool video game
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Come for the sink holes, stay to retrieve the corpses of your loved ones.
gellaho
"Popping corn?" I know you aren't ninety years old, Kathryn
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And the Iowa Board of Tourism said my slogans were bad.
FancyShark
That sounds like a serious heart condition, Kelly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I mean she seems to think slashers are when only one person in a story dies, that's some pretty Hays Code shit
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly just wants to sit on her davenport with her popping corn and some of Mr. Graham's Crackers, and listen to radio plays.
gellaho
Oh, OK, so that disappearing thing was pointless
gellaho
Because she was right there the next sentence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah fuck I was kidding, Book.
gellaho
The "turn around and someone is suddenly there" thing doesn't really work in book form
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Paula gone full Hannibal Lecter.
gellaho
You can't do a jump scare in prose
GDC
Paula did a reverse-batman
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
I honestly didn't think she'd be showing up this quickly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ok Kelly, so you've just been cornered by the person who tried to kill you last book. What is your response and why is it not "lash out with whatever weapon you can find"
gellaho
Or at all
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I had a feeling it might happen. Author is pretty hacky, and she only has the one handful of characters
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah I was thinking shed be a figment of Kellys paranoia or something, this is so basic its fucking surprising.
FancyShark
Now Kelly, remember, you said it was an accident. So getting angry or scared at Paula would be inconsistent with the flimsy characterization you have
gellaho
Are you trying to gaslight me, Kathryn?
FancyShark
Yes
Yes she is
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I thinkโ€ฆ I think she might genuinely have forgotten how she wrote her own book
GDC
"It might have had something to do with the anchor I had tied to his feet"
gellaho
Kewpie
gellaho
Fuck, you are so stupid Kelly
FancyShark
"It took them so long."
"It was less than a year ago."
"So much time."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Okay this is an outdated reference even for Kelly. I have never seen one of those in my life.
Also HOW BAD WERE THOSE SHRINKS?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fucking, I knew Kathryn was like 80 years old.
GDC
Troy, the lone voice of sanity
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Also fuck you Kathryn for making a Troy the reasonable one.
FancyShark
"Are you crazy? Please check only one box"
GDC
The hospital does involuntary holds via the honor system
FancyShark
It hasn't been that long but holy crap I forgot how bad Kathryn is as this
gellaho
This bad
FancyShark
UNSUPERVISED?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha fuck the criminal justice system I guess, clean bill of mental health
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
HAHAHAHA I WAS FUCKING KIDDING BOOK!
^o^ My Canadian friend wants to play a game with me, I havent played with her in a grip so I'll see y'all later! Have fun!
gellaho
You fucking deserve to die, holy shit
FancyShark
Later, @Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage !
Make sure to check yourself out of the mental ward!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus Christ, Kelly. I've seen lemmings with more of a will to live.
GDC
Paula, your counselor was terrible.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
The instant, simple and complete release of forgiveness.
gellaho
Kelly out here flirting with other boys and trying to get them all killed
gellaho
What a great protagonist
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
This is what toxic Positivity or religious people want you to believe
FancyShark
The blood feud is back on when Paula discovers they have no Mr. Pibb
gellaho
I didn't think I was going to say this, but I miss when half of the book was from Jeff's perspective
He makes a good point
gellaho
Not only that, but she was supposed to be memorializing her bestest friend Brian
FancyShark
If the whole book was describing bacteria breaking down Brian's corpse into nutrients, it would be more respectful to his memory than this
gellaho
Brian who?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She forgave so hard she forgot about her dead friend
FancyShark
GIF
GDC
Is this the first time the fact that kelly and jeff are dating was mentioned?
Seems like an important context
gellaho
"You remember how she almost killed him? Hilarious"
GDC
Let's give Paula a knife, it'll be hilarious
gellaho
The last book ended with them making out on Brian's grave
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair if anyone deserves a laugh at their expense it's Nathan
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha fuck it totally did, how did I forget that
FancyShark
Kelly, what the fuck is wrong with you?
GDC
I don't think I was here for the first book.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I know I wasn't
gellaho
WHY
gellaho
If I was Nathan, I would be screaming at every single person involved in this
GDC
See, this is why you need the knife/broomstick, so you can stab people on the opposite side of the room
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"Just forgive her, everyone, it's simple and easy"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kathryn is either very old or a space alien. In either case she is woefully misinformed on how people behave
FancyShark
Kathryn, Fred Rogers wasn't this forgiving. What the hell are you playing at?
gellaho
"Fuck her, fuck you, that bitch fucking stabbed me and I bled out alone in the woods for hours."
FancyShark
"She tried to crush your head with a boulder, KELLY"
"SHE DID IT WHILE TELLING YOU SHE KILLED BRIAN"
gellaho
Yeah, booze is what makes your eyes red
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"But she was crazy and in less than a year the doctors said she's not crazy anymore so let's just all be friends again, okay?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Does he smell like skunk?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hey, as long as all our old friends from last book are making a happy return, Let's check in with Mr. Porter!
He is dead in a sinkhole.
gellaho
I wonder why Jeff feels any jealousy
gellaho
The good news is that Will is looking to get murdered
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It was either him or Jeff, let's be honest
FancyShark
Good for her, getting back out there with a rebound murder
gellaho
Jesus Christ. She. Is. A. Murderer!
gellaho
Vulnerable!?!?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'll start putting the finishing touches on Kelly's Darwin Award
GDC
fast talker? Teen girls love auctioneers, I guess
"Will's a slut, is what I'm getting at"
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Like y'all wouldn't date a hot chick just because she kills people
gellaho
Just say Cool Whip
gellaho
Turns out we are getting some Jeff Perspective
Can't wait to eat my own words here
FancyShark
Yay?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tbh I'd only feel safe if she were constantly belittling me about it, if she started love bombing me I'd assume I was her best kill
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Jeff needed his special pants and his special underwear to think about his fight with kelly
FancyShark
I'm still hung up on how Kathryn must've heard about "idiot plots" and thought they were a template
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Now now, be fair. This could still be merely a plot written by an idiot
gellaho
I mean she skipped out on memorializing a dead friend to flirt with someone else, but yeah you were unreasonable Jeff
FancyShark
Sometimes he thought about how Kelly was horrible. Other times, he thought about trains.
He thought "caboose" was a funny word.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And he was right.
GDC
Usually he didn't think at all, though.
FancyShark
Sometimes, Jeff thought about why doorknobs were so crunchy
gellaho
Hot Dog
crash
FancyShark
Mogul?
GDC
He casually ran over a 19th century railroad baron
gellaho
Tiny hills
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Cresting a mogul is like dropping in on a grommet
gellaho
Somehow
FancyShark
Ah, thank you
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
GDC
yeah, or blerquing the splozz.
gellaho
Time to get weirdly horny about ethnicities
FancyShark
oh right, her
GDC
Comet tails: known for their darkness
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Again!
boioioing
gellaho
You know, how teenagers do
FancyShark
Nathan is already a bitter alcoholic in his 30s
gellaho
You know all the high schoolers downing their romantic sorrows in booze
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Early achiever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair he did get stabbed. That's a pretty good alcoholic origin story
GDC
If my goth girlfriend found jesus, I'd be sad too.
FancyShark
Okay, yeah, those are both good reasons
gellaho
How?
gellaho
Is she three feet tall?
FancyShark
Is that too much? Too little? How much did she weigh before?
Oh wait
She missed breakfast
GDC
You can't just drop the fact that kelly is a hobbit this late in the book
FancyShark
She's being anorexic
gellaho
Again, how
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm sorry, I know it's unfair of me to single her out in the middle of all this nonsense, she didn't choose to be here but.
Mrs. Cummings
FancyShark
Kathryn's going to say Kelly has an eating disorder because of stress or guilt and if she just chooses to be happy she'll be healthy
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Oh shit she's 5'7? Does she have hollow bones?
gellaho
Although, if 5'7" is "a lot taller" then Isabel is like 4'6"
FancyShark
A towering 5'7"
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
I mean I knew/was some unhealthily skinny bitches but this is beyond that
gellaho
That's why. Because she respects you, not loves you or even likes you
FancyShark
If she's lost that much weight, Annette is so fired for not noticing one of her students is a goddamn skeleton
GDC
Kelly should stay at Paula's hospital. They can clear up mental health issues super fast
gellaho
If she weighs that little, that crash earlier should have broken her in half
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kelly's made of rubber, it's fine
FancyShark
I'll stand by my call that she died then and this is all a hallucination caused by her dying brain
gellaho
"Hey, so you're looking a little like Skeletor"
Ramb$ne
cough
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
If she weighs that little the wind should have picked her off the ski slope and sent her on an adventure
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Skeletor was pretty cut tho, maybe that was the confusion
gellaho
I feel like being really good at skiing would require some amount of muscle mass
gellaho
Possibly a lot of muscle mass
FancyShark
Malnutrition does explain her shitty eyesight
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GET TO THE MURDER.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
She's a fast skiier? How, when gravity barely notices her ninety pound ass?
Ramb$ne
"Did you know Kelly weighs less than you'd think?"
"UNTIL NEXT TIME!"
gellaho
Oh, good, Kathryn forgot her own character's name
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair so did I
gellaho
It's going great
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Will "Will Grant" Tanner
FancyShark
Good old William Tant
gellaho
Just such likable characters
FancyShark
Kathryn is nailing the slasher trope of "I want all these people to die"
gellaho
Wait, Troy's a bad guy?
gellaho
I couldn't tell from the way he tried to rob a cabin occupied by a guy in a wheelchair
FancyShark
Oh come on, @gellaho . The window was open slightly!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ooo, never introduce a character by saying they've been "watching the kids" for days at a time
Bad vibes, bad vibes
FancyShark
Kelly, one does not act like they hate themselves
gellaho
Kelly's only observant when it comes to cute boys she should avoid at all costs
gellaho
Kathryn, but it is easy to confuse
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Pretty like a Stepford Wife
gellaho
All her female protagonists are as stupid as she is
Ramb$ne
Angel might just be a necromancer. Check if she's got a skeleton hand
FancyShark
Angel's got some real Heaven's Gate energy going
gellaho
Run, Troy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Well, this is unsettling. Good work Kathryn?
FancyShark
This would be less creepy if her head split open into a giant fanged maw and she bit him in half
gellaho
Why is this the only thing you can write well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Loony Tune
Can't even spell that shit right
gellaho
It's hard to look things up
Maybe that Fun Whip thing was an accident
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tbh I'm just impressed she fought off her old people syndrome long enough to not call Angel a Merrie Melody
gellaho
Definite willies
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
You're a dumb piece of shit Troy York, and Heaven knows you need help more than any poor starving kids in Ethiopia.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
There's boiled rabbit in his future
gellaho
Because we are now getting all the perspectives, time for the crazy bitch's
FancyShark
First time I've ever thought "Oh thank god, we're switching to the murdering psycho. That was getting weird."
GDC
Don't these kids have a supervisor? Why is Annette letting them ski in the dark?
gellaho
Well, she escaped
gellaho
Which I should have expected, but Kathryn is so bad at this I believed that stupid shit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You could tell me Annette was secretly Paula in disguise all along and at this point I would believe it
They wouldn't have a clue where to look for her. Certainly not at her killing field
GDC
Because the scene of the crime is the last place they'd look
gellaho
I'm starting to believe this is a book about the evils of caffeine
FancyShark
haha, you called it, @GDC . Honor system
gellaho
Although, this is setting up for Paula to get murdered
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Literally came back just to die
gellaho
Golly gee, a metal case
FancyShark
Didn't Kathryn pull this in the last book? Angel was made out to be a creepy obvious murderer, Paula had a fake-out disappearance?
gellaho
Golly gee, a fucking gun
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's extremely generous of you to assume Kathryn has tricks
FancyShark
Less trick, more worry that she's writing the same book again
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I don't know, Paula, probably the people who were at the trip where you fucking murdered somebody last time?!
gellaho
I think your counselor would say, "Where the hell is that psychopathic patient! Holy shit! We are so fucked!"
gellaho
I mean, in the last book the only person to die was a girl who decided to burn to death in the Florida Keys
GDC
If you hadn't run away, you could have asked him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I know! I'll take the gun and carry it around as an escaped mental patient and convicted murderer! Nothing could go wrong!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Woooo spring break!!
FancyShark
Dr. Raymond sounds great. Like a parent trying to sleep off a late shift
gellaho
Oh, we're doing the thing where we don't identify the speaker. Great.
gellaho
gellaho
Although, if it's in their cabin
That has to be Will
He's the only new person in their group. It can't be Troy he's staying somewhere else
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At this point I don't think this even qualifies as a murder, this is technically self defense
FancyShark
I hope it's Kelly
THERE is your fucking twist, Kathryn
Ramb$ne
Kelly is the gun
We're on anime rules now, sucker
gellaho
OK, Kathryn, so you've decided to actually make Paula good now?
gellaho
You can't do that
Ramb$ne
She still weighs less than the average glock
gellaho
She was fucking kookoo bananas at the end of that last book
You can't come back from that
FancyShark
I guess a few months eating hospital food is enough to redeem a murderer
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's a good thing mental illness is something you can just snap out of
GDC
Kathryn chooses now to reveal there's been a cowboy sitting in the corner of the room all along.
gellaho
Ah, so the preview was about Paula
gellaho
Who wants to read about what it's like for a young teen to die, again?
FancyShark
Hooray!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At least this one deserves it, kinda
FancyShark
It's fun because she had a future!
Ramb$ne
We did it, fam
gellaho
At least this time she's not simultaneously burning and suffocating
That was rough
Well, bringing this character back was pointless
gellaho
But at least I got to feel her die
yay?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Submerging in a pool of your own existence" is an interesting way to describe voiding your bowels as you die
gellaho
I honestly don't know what Kathryn expects me to feel at this moment
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nebulous sadness if I had to guess
GDC
That's not your existence. Paula, that's your small intestine.
FancyShark
I feel pity, but I'm not sure for whom
GDC
Us.
Ramb$ne
Scoop me, daddy
gellaho
"Sorry, honey, but you are lifting off the ground as we speak"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Mostly I feel sorry for Kathryn. Imagine never having the awareness as a creator to know your reach left unchecked will always exceed your ability.
gellaho
Lemur-round
gellaho
It's what I count on
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Brian's spirit must feel great that his murderer was allowed friendship momentarily before being stabbed to death and his bestest best friend could only ski badly in his memory
Ramb$ne
It's how we all want to go
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tbh if you're not skiing badly in memory of me, were we even really friends
gellaho
The most insane part of this is Kelly correctly assuming Nathan is accusing the paraplegic of stabbing someone
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Frank wouldn't do that! It's not weird I brought that up unprompted!!"
FancyShark
Anyone who speaks to me gets a buff for 24 hours!
gellaho
Fuck you, fuck all of you, I hope you all die
GDC
Kelly thinks talking to people grants them immunity to edged weapons.
FancyShark
"Now that she's dead, I see we could have been friends"
gellaho
I don't know how this is dumber than the things she's done before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You can really feel the love gellaho has for these characters
Ramb$ne
The wheelchair is the murderer
gellaho
I don't know how this is dumber than everything I've read before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THE MURDERER IS HIDING IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
THE ALIEN RESURRECTION STRAT
gellaho
I don't know how this is dumber than John Jakes (RIP to our fallen king)
No, wait, no
Ramb$ne
Troy will reveal that reluctantly a sorcerer gave him dragonards in France and then we'll be truly fucked
gellaho
She died to a paring knife?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She did all that to herself with a paring knife, Jeff?
GDC
Paula committed seppuku
gellaho
I don't know what's stupider that somebody killed her with that, or you think she killed herself with that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Are you taking the piss, mate?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Her knife skills sucked
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A potato peel gone horribly horribly wrong
gellaho
You know the worst thing
FancyShark
Hardcore infomercial opening
gellaho
I found this on the inside cover
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That this was printed and sold for money?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Who amongst us hasn't mortally wounded ourselves while topping strawberries?
FancyShark
AAAAAAHAHAHAHA
GDC
To be fair I've cut myself almost this badly slicing a bagel
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My jaw actually dropped
gellaho
She still is! She did it!
gellaho
That she got murdered does not change any of that
Fuck me
FancyShark
Kelly is somehow stupider than Bhodi Li
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I've seen Soviet dictatorships that didn't get fucking shilled as an underrated good guy this hard
FancyShark
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
This is some Naruto redemption bullshit.
gellaho
Why are you all so shaken by this
GDC
She bonded really quickly with that escaped mental patient.
gellaho
Listen, I understand somebody died. But it is a person who tried to kill a bunch of you
FancyShark
This book is straining the limits of my abilities to react. There are depths of bafflement here that I don't have protocols for
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This isn't even your first murder, you bunch of namby pambies
gellaho
This is not a friend of yours, or an innocent bystander
FancyShark
IT WAS LESS THAN A YEAR AGO
gellaho
This is a person who has not only deeply affected your lives, but actively tried to end it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Stockholm Syndrome: The Book
FancyShark
You all should have screamed yourselves hoarse when she reappeared
gellaho
Like, forgiveness is one thing. but she had done nothing, very little time has passed
This is beyond Christ-like. It's just stupid
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It'd be one thing if she had shown up to be wrongly accused and then have to clear her name. There's at least an arc to be had there. This is just blatantly revisionist
gellaho
I like this Frank guy
gellaho
FancyShark
Finally, a sensible person
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I don't even care if Frank is somehow the killer. The fact he's the only one acting like a real human in this story makes him the hero
GDC
You might have said 'someone call the cops, there's an escaped prisoner here'.
gellaho
In comes this complete uggo of a cop
FancyShark
Sounds like Kathryn couldn't talk her way out of a speeding ticket
gellaho
I think I hate Kathryn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
How fucking dare she
gellaho
I usually don't hate these authors because really who could care. But Jesus Christ
GDC
Kathryn thinks the officer investigating the murder should wear makeup and smile more.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kinda jumping the gun by having a cop show up at all here, isn't she
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
That's creative writing 101, first describe the character's relative fuckability.
GDC
That's not a bad description of a world weary detective that has seen some shit, but it's filtered through the lens of an insufferable main character.
gellaho
Very healthy friendships
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And several insufferable side characters
FancyShark
And an insufferable author
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If an asteroid hit the mountain and put all these characters out of their misery I think we could call it a happy ending
gellaho
"Fuck you, she fucking stabbed me! You stupid bitch"
gellaho
And I know I'm saying bitch a lot. But I feel it's apt
GDC
Also, other people died, at Paula's hand.
gellaho
Absolutely suck my dick, Kelly
gellaho
What the fuck is wrong with you
FancyShark
Jingle some keys in Kelly's face to distract her
GDC
"I'm a kidneyless creep, thanks to Paula."
gellaho
Eating is probably a good way to stop death
FancyShark
Hardy Boys 101
LyraV
Yes I got here in time for Officer Margaret Shellhorn.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What the goddamn fuck is happening with this book. Is there even a plot anymore? Is there a mystery we're supposed to be following?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Freeze to death, Kelly.
GDC
sad girl is hangry.
LyraV
Her ancestors added horns to various shells.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Man, it makes me miss The Westing Game.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
In a good way or a bad way
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
As in a mystery with clues the reader can follow.
As in it's definitely better than this in any case.
FancyShark
I think you beat death by cheating at Battleship
gellaho
Hey, Troy? Do me a favor and just kill Kelly
FancyShark
"Maybe because he was clutching a bloody knife."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I once read Shatter Me and saw a reviewer describe the main character as "a weeping puddle of rose petals" and it's apt here too.
Maybe it was a swooning puddle of roses
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You cheat death by making him play Monopoly and dragging the game out so long he forfeits
Which is how every game of Monopoly goes
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Troy is the murderer, I'm calling it now.
gellaho
You know, the southern accents of Maryland
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Benoit Blanc she ain't
LyraV
Okay there is a subsection of people in Dundalk (outside of Maryland) who will argue they are southerners even when you explain what the Mason Dixon line was.
gellaho
I hope Brian's ghost kills you, Kelly
FancyShark
"All ya all done hated Paula, pilgrim," she said Cajunly
GDC
Two things. First, Paula is a fugitive from the law, that's important, officer. Second, don't talk to cops, Kelly. Lawyer up.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
LyraV
Y'know or it was just that idiot Wayne and his buddies who definitely didn't buy weed from me in my teens lol
gellaho
I don't think he was offering you, a raw egg you absolute moron
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Big Lenny shrugs
lol, scooped
GDC
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus. She really just did that but unironically
LyraV
Or she's just grossed out by eggs in general.
gellaho
Well, might as well throw them into the mix
gellaho
Fuck those cops trying to solve this murder, I guess
FancyShark
"We're trying to find the murderer."
"Ugh. Fascist."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
His hair was standing on end all over his head. He had gone Super Saiyan.
gellaho
Meanwhile, a phone is dialed
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
ACAB? ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Everybody hates a cop until they need one. Then they still hate a cop but for less immediately justifiable reasons.
gellaho
This murder has got me so hot
FancyShark
1900CRIME was short lived
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha this was a drug mule story all along, fuck you readers, fuck you right in your stupid fucking faces
Ramb$ne
Assigned cop at birth
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I swear some people are...
FancyShark
oh shit
GDC
"how the fuck should I know how long the cops are going to take investigating a murder?"
FancyShark
The killer is McGruff the Crime Dog
He took a bite out of crime and he wants more
gellaho
This is a great thing to introduce 80 pages in
gellaho
1-900-HOT-CRIME
FancyShark
Thanks, Kathryn. Now we know it's Will
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It could still be anybody! Even Will!
gellaho
Reminder that these books are supposed to be for younger audiences
FancyShark
Guided Reading - 7th grade
gellaho
It's also now been raining
On the ski slopes
Not snowing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Global warming, amirite
FancyShark
Okay, to be fair, there are ski resorts that manufacture snow in the warmer months
I have no idea what chemicals are involved
Ramb$ne
The weird part is they're in abu dabi
It's indoors
gellaho
That would make sense if she didn't specifically mention anything about unusual cold at the beginning of the book
Which she definitely didn't do
FancyShark
lol
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Perfect
gellaho
LyraV
Then he's not a very Good pothead is he?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
No notes
FancyShark
hahahaha
Kathryn, you're so bad at this
GDC
Talking about Baltimore like it's the exotic orient.
gellaho
Get excited
LyraV
Its a very distinct place I'll give them that.
gellaho
Her geography is great
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To the Bat-Lodge!!
gellaho
What with the vast caverns and cliffs in Key West
On pins and needles
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ugh, some boy, amirite ladies
FancyShark
Dammit, Kathryn, you can't cheat like that! Kelly recognizes all of these idiots immediately. You're being deliberately obscure
gellaho
Kelly calling up Paula's parents. Get this great paragraph
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Did Annette fall down the same sinkhole Mr. Porter died in? Where the fuck has she been during all of this madness
FancyShark
Well, good news, Schultzes! You're still not getting sued!
gellaho
I'm pretty sure they keep record of every purchase, you dolt
LyraV
Hey and believe that someone approached her at the bus stop to see if she'd like to buy a definitely not stolen lawn mower or case of cds.
Both of those happened irl ha!
FancyShark
Still no red flags that Paula showed up alone to apologize to her boyfriend she murdered
LyraV
I mean come on Shark this all feels perfectly reasonable.
GDC
She had a student ID from the mental hospital?
gellaho
On the way back from the phone (which is half a mile away through the forest for some reason). Kelly starts to run that whole distance, despite the fact that she weighs 90 lbs and hasn't eaten
gellaho
Also, Angel started talking about guardian angels or something
FancyShark
Since we already know it wasn't Angel that killed Paula, there's literally no menace to her
gellaho
You gotta get your Crazy Discount at the movie theater
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's her whole personality now, what else is she gonna do
FancyShark
Why couldn't Angel have gotten way into glass blowing or metallurgy? Why's it gotta be angels?
gellaho
Hey, it's Troy who would have guessed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
You know, how bears do
FancyShark
GEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNT!
Wait, sorry
GDC
A bear, or maybe someone interested in stabbing teen girls. Don't know why I brought up that second one.
gellaho
Why is she in this book
FancyShark
Troy, she wasn't your friend
gellaho
Like, Isabel and Nathan are barely present. Chris is a complete afterthought
Which is a great way to treat your only black character, congrats
FancyShark
Does Kathryn think she's setting up her own Boxcar Children series?
GDC
Angel found some really amazing mushrooms in the forest.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I would prefer "afterthought" to "anger issues and illicit drug problem" like last time
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Boxcutter Dumbfucks
gellaho
But gotta keep this gold
LyraV
Kelly reads minds now too.
GDC
8 ounces in a cup isn't a scientifically proven fact, that's just a convention.
We just made that up.
gellaho
Uh
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
KATHRYN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT
LyraV
Sorry Kathryn got a little off topic but she's back now she's got this. No more distractions
gellaho
Why is this happening
FancyShark
This is about as sexually appealing as unwrapping a Slim Jim
LyraV
Ew
gellaho
So super hot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
hahaha sexy whimsy A WOMAN IS DEAD.
gellaho
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
HER BODY ISN'T EVEN COLD YET.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN WASHED OFF THE PARING KNIFE AND IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME.
FancyShark
It should be soon! It's cold or possibly not cold outside!
LyraV
What kind of thing is that to say to someone who isn't a child Troy it came across really creepy.
gellaho
Makes me miss my precious Boys
FancyShark
ew
mushrooms
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Be honest, Kathy. Publisher gave you a word count to hit, didn't they.
gellaho
I'm better with this than their complete forgiveness and sadness for the psychopathic killers
FancyShark
This callousness is more familiar
GDC
Aren't there cops around investigating the murder? Aren't they on a school trip?
Have their parents been called?
gellaho
Listen, Kathryn, if you want me to care about Kathryn's body issues I need to first care about her
FancyShark
The parents signed a waiver. School's not liable this time.
gellaho
And I don't
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is it even a Freudian slip if Kelly is this blatant of a self insert
gellaho
Yeah, that was stuff I absolutely skipped
FancyShark
Also, eating disorders tend to not manifest as "I'm just not hungry". That's the excuse someone uses when they're not eating, but it's more of a revulsion at food and the thought of gaining any weight
gellaho
The parent's know, there was stuff with the cops
GDC
"hey so, we took the kids to the same place where another student was murdered last year, and the murderer escaped from an institution and got stabbed to death. Come get your kid"
"and sign this release"
FancyShark
If Kelly is starving herself, she is going to be in severe pain. The body doesn't go quietly without food
I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING, KATHRYN
gellaho
It's a big country, try more
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She's not the only one in severe pain
gellaho
There are like 330 million people here, Kathryn come on
FancyShark
Literally hundreds
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tens of tens, even
GDC
As many as four tens.
And that's terrible.
gellaho
Sounds like it's time for Kelly to learn how to shave
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's called anxiety, Kelly, and if you don't lawyer up it'll be presented as evidence in court
FancyShark
Please feel sudden guilt over how badly you handled Brian's memorial
gellaho
Rock solid case
FancyShark
Excellent skier? SHE FORGOT SHE WAS SKIING ON A DEATH SLOPE
gellaho
Evidence is hard
gellaho
Or they're just taking her to get interviewed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This theory is immediately undone by just interviewing another person.
gellaho
It's unnecessarily vague
FancyShark
That doesn't sound like Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like. Troy explicitly talked to her at the end of this slope. He can corroborate her story.
This is just entrapment anxiety for the sake of a cheap thrill
gellaho
Oh, OK, so just an interview. But everyone is an idiot
GDC
These feels like a cautionary tale about exercising your right to remain silent.
gellaho
Death Row with caps
GDC
That's not what a warrant is.
gellaho
Like the record company
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Frank, again, the only person here acting like a real person
gellaho
Oh, wow, everybody looking to get arrested
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fucking Christ, this is how people get shot.
FancyShark
Kelly will be fine. Five minutes talking to her and they'll never be able to convince a judge she's fit to stand trial
gellaho
"How dare you interview this girl with a motive!"
GDC
The cops reaction:
gellaho
Lipstick, you dweeb
And what the fuck is a lift pass
FancyShark
Bus pass?
LyraV
Her pass to use the fancy elevator.
GDC
Yeah, it lets her on the ski lift
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This author is British or some flavor of European. No one on this hemisphere uses "lift passes" on the bus line
gellaho
No?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh right. The ski lift.
Gonna be real I forgot this book was about skiing for a bit.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I thought you were all playing dumb
GDC
Understandable
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I was like, "Don't take the bait, Mordred."
gellaho
I live in Florida, you think I understand skiing lingo
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
No, genuinely, I forgot this book's premise almost as hard as its author did
FancyShark
Same
gellaho
This fake note makes some good points
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I didn't think a ski lift was such regional knowledge. ๐Ÿ˜›
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha this will never hold up in court
Handwriting analysis alone is going to prove this is a fake pretty much instantly
gellaho
I thought you just walked onto the ski lift. I've never seen a booth where they check a pass
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
People pin them to their ski jacket
FancyShark
They can prove Kelly didn't write that because she doesn't understand cause and effect
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
It's like having a wrist band in an amusement park or some such.
Or a tag on your luggage
gellaho
Sounds like something that wouldn't be in a fanny pack then
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I had classmates who never took them off their jacket.
Yeah probably not
gellaho
Or where she's keeping a fanny pack with all her layers
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Like they'd be at school with it on there.
gellaho
Whatever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Did they just wear all the ones they had collected til they covered every inch of their coats like North Korean generals wear their medals
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Moving on!
gellaho
You suck, Kathryn
GDC
Yeah when I was in university rich people came back from winter break with their lift passes on their coat to show off where they'd gone
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
A few of them I thought were bragging, the way they did it.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Yeah like how people will cover their luggage with stickers of places they've been.
gellaho
You know how Maryland people talk like Louisiana sheriffs
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Where is this author from?
gellaho
I don't know, it's very difficult to Google Kathryn Johnson
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"Anything south of New York is 'the south' right?"
GDC
Somewhere they don't know about lawyers
FancyShark
Foghorn Shellborn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Slow your roll, Detective Gumshoe
gellaho
This is her personal website, but not a lot of person information https://kathrynjohnsonllc.com/
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'll say this, it is very true to life the way the police have latched onto the easiest explanation for the crime to the point of refusing to investigate any further
FancyShark
oh hell, I forgot she teaches
gellaho
To be fair, it's really the only explanation that makes sense
GDC
Honestly after writing this not disclosing her location is smart.
gellaho
Whatever bullshit Kathryn's about to spew will make zero sense
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Oh, I can hire her to doctor my book ๐Ÿ˜
I'm sure her prices are super reasonable.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nothing better than a beta read from a beta who doesn't know how to read
gellaho
The fleecy knees of her sweatpants
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
How the fuck can she bend that far
Oh right. Eating disorder. She's basically just a skeleton now
FancyShark
She's sitting down, too
@gellaho , how far are we through the book?
gellaho
That's not what bumped off means
GDC
Kelly is so lucky she's white.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, dirt road. This is a children's book allegedly. Keep it in your pants.
FancyShark
Cops always ride in the back with suspected murderers
gellaho
Not far enough
LyraV
I'd get a grip on the inner wailing before you hit the station Kelly or at least try.
gellaho
What do you think police officers are
FancyShark
Oh my god, pleasepleaseplease tell me they're setting her up to sniff out the real killer
I'd sooner trust Michael J. Fox to disarm a bomb
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's way too late to be calling for a lawyer, Kell
gellaho
Kathryn, do you think tan eyes are a normal thing?
GDC
Listen kid, we'd like to use you as what we cops call 'bait'.
gellaho
That's not a color irises are
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god she's doing the "you should smile more" bit
again
gellaho
I think she confused skin for eyes
That's the only explanation for that
LyraV
Dang I liked Shellhorn better than Shellborn.
FancyShark
A common mistake
GDC
I want to read this story from Shellborn's perspective.
LyraV
This means what, her ancestors pretended to birth snails?
GDC
these fucking kids
FancyShark
"Jesus Fucking Christ, these fucking idiots"
LyraV
I feel like thats a really insulting thing to imply so I take it back.
gellaho
Stop spelling chaperone that way
FancyShark
Chaperon! Use Tail Whip!
gellaho
Fuck your dialect, you piece of shit
GDC
It's really unfair to snails.
gellaho
I award you one Komar of Excellence
FancyShark
:sharkhug:
Thank you, brother
gellaho
The fuck is happening with these people's faces
gellaho
Do you wrinkle a nose?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Oh this officer is more fuckable
FancyShark
I have heard that expression before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, nose wrinkling passes the smell test. It's a turn of phrase
GDC
If you don't iron it, sure.
FancyShark
Like when you scrunch up your face, you can get a wrinkle or two on the bridge of the nose
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Chaperon is the masculine, chaperone feminine ๐Ÿ˜
gellaho
How about straightening out a lip
gellaho
Well, the chaperone is a lady so
FancyShark
That's bullshit
gellaho
In any event
GDC
Lip straightening therapy is banned in most states.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
This is like Richard K. Morgan and the wrong "discrete"
FancyShark
Barbers used to do it before surgeons were a thing
gellaho
I mean, the ghostwriters on Hardy boys use "blond" regardless of circumstance
It's weird
GDC
Same with appendectomies, but with a lower success rate.
gellaho
How's about you tell me the plot, asshole
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Blond is the masculine form of blonde though, isn't it?
gellaho
Yeah, they use it for girls too
FancyShark
It's weird
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh well that's just right out.
gellaho
And capitalize Dumpster. It's the only brand name they recognize
GDC
Is it the investigation about her escaping from a mental institution?
FancyShark
Are they going to ignore a murder to stop a drug deal?
gellaho
It was a paring knife! It was not a deep wound!
gellaho
Suck my balls
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is a whole new level of terrible.
Like, just wow.
It's not even that the plot is so juvenile, it's that they're trying to play it so fucking seriously.
gellaho
A couple?
gellaho
A couple of perp walks?
What do you think a perp walk is?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WHY NOT JUST STAY AND CATCH THE ACTUAL KILLER
FancyShark
I'm furious I can't find the gif of Kiryu kneeing a pocket knife into a goon's gut
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is almost literally entrapment
Like, they are fucking framing her for no actual gain
LyraV
GIF
gellaho
This police officer has only ever seen cops on TV, haven't they
gellaho
Also, why would even that need to be done more than once
LyraV
Kelly no one cares about your dad.
FancyShark
It's like dragging a string across the floor to get a cat to play. Sometimes it takes more than one pass.
gellaho
"On restriction?" Did Kathryn grow up on Mars?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Your dad is going to sue the police department and if qualified immunity isn't a factor it'll be a guaranteed slam dunk
gellaho
Grounded. We call that grounded on planet Earth
FancyShark
Her dad is so strict he had no issue with her leaving the house for weeks or months to return to the place where she was nearly murdered
That fucking Stalin
gellaho
Or appearing in either of these books
Fuck off, Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THERE'S NOT EVEN SEVEN PEOPLE AT THIS CABIN
gellaho
I have such bad luck with these female authors
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
YOU DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR THEM TO GET SLOPPY
gellaho
I though, "hey, I should spread it around get a female perspective"
And it's worse
Every time
๐Ÿ‘ฝ Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
GIF
FancyShark
Peter David has had some really shitty moments, though
GDC
Kathryn wrote Shellborn's dialogue after watching a Rogue heavy episode of the 90s X-Men series.
gellaho
Well, yes. Obviously none of these people are blameless
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And that's where we come in!
LyraV
That is exactly who I keep hearing in my head, it doesn't help that it's on in the background
FancyShark
I'll say this: Kathryn's writing is idiotic, but it's not impenetrable like the French books
gellaho
So, anyway, think about this teenager using a public toilet
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Well yeah, that's a whole nother language
gellaho
(also the rapiest. Also a woman)
It was a wild world out there
I don't like this
FancyShark
Kelly displaying 1000 times more sensibility about where to shit than about how to handle Paula
gellaho
You keep describing this lady cop as a little girl, and that's weirding me out
LyraV
Thank you I was thinking it too!!!
Also maybe don't trust any cop this much ever.
gellaho
Well, Kathryn's forgotten another character's last name
FancyShark
And since we've been told the plan in detail, there's no way it can go wrong
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I really don't like that this cop has taken this vulnerable teenager to a secondary location to put her completely in her power
gellaho
Frank Riley, Kathryn
Get it together
Or, no, that's Kelly's dad's name
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Kathryn
Give them different first names
GDC
All these characters are based on mean girls that tormented Kathryn in highschool and she wasn't thorough replacing the names with fake ones
FancyShark
Angel was Kathryn's craaaaaaaazy gal pal who had real problems
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I feel like we've hit the point in a really bad wrestling show where fans start chanting "C M Punk" just for the sake of having something else to do.
gellaho
Stop calling the grown woman a child, Kathryn
LyraV
If he puts her in bunny slippers I'm out.
FancyShark
For the sake of sanity, I'm now imagining the cop played by a child
LyraV
So she's Wendy from Wendy's?
gellaho
Good news Kathryn's dad: your daughter is a moron, she's not going to college
gellaho
Also, she took the SATs a year ago
So I think she should probably be out of high school
But I guess Kathryn doesn't know that?
FancyShark
If she's not already applying to colleges, those scores aren't going to mean shit soon
gellaho
Could you have phrased that any other way
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm kind of lost. Can we discuss the cops' convoluted fake arrest plan for the sixth time just so it really sinks in?
gellaho
Getting arrested is just like a school play
FancyShark
They're going to pretend Kelly is the murderer so the real murderer will be clumsy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ohhhh yeahhhhh, that's the one
gellaho
We have fun, don't we?
FancyShark
At least this answers why her parents let her do any of this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus god, this is way too much story for this plot.
gellaho
Took prison to get her to eat
FancyShark
Shellborn thought, 'Don't tell her about the trans fats. Don't tell her about the trans fats.'
GDC
Shellborn warning the clearly emaciated girl about getting fat.
FancyShark
I'm hoping she was coaxing her into eating something and not shaming her
I know that's probably not the case, but still
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I don't like how this cop has placed this teenager under lock and key and taken a sudden interest in her physical appearance.
gellaho
Hey, guess what?
LyraV
I dont like ANY OF THIS
gellaho
Plan didn't work
FancyShark
๐Ÿคฃ
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY
FancyShark
BUT THEY WERE SO CAREFUL
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SO DID EVERYONE JUST STAY AT THE CABIN FOR HOWEVER MANY WEEKS THIS MUMMER'S FARCE TOOK?
gellaho
So, that is where we will end this week.
FancyShark
AND SINCE WHEN IS ISABEL HER BEST FRIEND
Ramb$ne
since paula died, silly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus Christ. Holy fuck.
I just. God. Fuck, man. Argh.
FancyShark
We did it! Partly!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Good caging, gang.
gellaho
There are only like 60 pages left, so next week we'll finish this up and I'll probably introduce you to some of the very, very shitty Hardy Boys comics I have
FancyShark
Fuck yeah
Thank you, @gellaho !
Great riffing, everyone!
LyraV
Oh hell yeah more hardy comics
Thanks @gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This one really needed to get caged, holy shit.
Thanks @gellaho
gellaho
Until then, The Book Cage resumes next week
gellaho
May all of your attempted murderers be murdered
GDC
Thanks everyone, this is difficult work and I appreciate your efforts.
LyraV
Also thanks for the reminder @FancyShark I appreciate it
FancyShark
You too!
gellaho
That cover, for what it's worth, is not at all representative of this book
FancyShark
You're welcome! We didn't want to have you miss out!
GDC
If anyone deserves book jail, it's Kathryn.
Now let's get back to talking about how wrong Javo is about Brandon Sanderson.
FancyShark
lol
On that note, have a good night, everybody
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, how you gonna be mad at Sanderson when Kathryn is right there
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 92.5: - Crash Landing Part II
This, the sequel to Nicole Davison/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson's Crash Course, is the single dumbest book I've ever read. That is all. Join us for the last 60 pages, Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God it's going to feel so good to put this dross in the deep freeze
I know we just introduced Return of the Living Dead rules for Nathfields but honestly it might be better if we just burn this shit and be done with it forever
gellaho
Coming up in little over an hour, it's the conclusion to Crash Landing. Reminder that we left off with the main character getting fake arrested for a plan that amounted to absolutely nothing.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ah yes. The stupid. I forgot how much it stung
FancyShark
"Well, look who decided to finally come home from prison. Dinner's cold."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They would have stayed at this cabin for like a month if this plot unfolds the way we're being told it's happening
GDC
I'm starting an hour long commute home now. I'll be driving as recklessly as possible to participate.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Still making better life decisions than Kelly
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I'm home in time for Book Cage!
I'll probably have to make dinner whenever the boys get hungry but right now my kiddo just wants to cuddle on the couch and watch TV
Check out the new tattoo progress in general ๐Ÿ˜‹
gellaho
Time to resume the process
FancyShark
Once more into the breach
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Let's see if Nicole Kathryn learned how to dig up!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Time to see what this teen dingus gets worked up over now.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Ugh my kid wants to call his cousin on my phone ๐Ÿฅฒ have fun
gellaho
Kelly quietly swallows her own vomit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Off to a rollicking start.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
This is why we have the official Book Cage Brand Child Kennels.
FancyShark
Kelly doesn't even thank the cops for the complimentary haggis gum
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly is truly an everygirl, eye contact and social awkwardness makes her vomit.
Or shes part seagull.
gellaho
Frank having a real one out here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So have they been briefed that her arrest was a ruse de cop yet, or
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Uh......Frank? Maybe you should go to couples therapy later, theres probably a muderer on the loose or something.
FancyShark
Frank, how can you think we hate those in wheelchairs? They get great parking!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And sweet vans!
gellaho
She's supposed to keep it a secret
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
All arrests are false.........maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
gellaho
It seems like now even Nathan has forgotten his stabbing from the previous book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"Also, yes. They would appreciate that."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
lol Nathan is gunning for a streak bonus.
gellaho
Weird thing to perk up about
FancyShark
"Ooo! I'm uninvolved!"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Will that is an awful sudden and specific denial.
Just saying.
Brendan
I have no idea what's going on.
FancyShark
Then you're caught up!
Brendan
Ignore me while I mostly tag timestamps in Thor and pray for this new gig to come through.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Also narratively speaking, Will, you should watch the fuck out. As a new character you are at high risk of getting got.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, we've already established it physically couldn't be anyone but will at this point, right? All this is just excessive foreplay?
gellaho
Chris has forgotten his own mood swings caused by drugs from the last book
FancyShark
Here's what you missed: The psycho girl from the last book escaped the mental hospital and came back only to be immediately forgiven and murdered
Brendan
Oh, she was hot.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You have to get the reader good and lubed up before you slip inside their brain holes for the climax.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Escaped", a word which here means "left while everyone else was asleep"
Ramb$ne
forgiven is a strong word
gellaho
Hey, teacher? Maybe have a little more to say when one of your underaged students says they "need a drink"
FancyShark
Everyone is mourning her like a treasured friend!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Chris also doesnt know that handwriting analysis is junk science used by a lazy law enforcement system. Maaaaaaaan.
Ramb$ne
but these stories are running together. are you sure she didn't get so angry she transformed into an amazon and stepped on fat hitler?
gellaho
Yes, possibly "fell in love with" is the correct phrase
FancyShark
That would have been more coherent
FancyShark
Kathryn momentarily forgot they're not college kids
gellaho
I think everyone's first clue was that she was stabbed to death with a paring knife
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Imagine if she turned into an Amazoness and stepped on fat Hitler.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fucking paring knife kill, goddamn it
I forgot
gellaho
There are about 500 ways that would not be suicide
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Man it is so hard to kill someone with a paring knife.
Like I'd believe someone did it on accident before it was someones murder weapon of choice.
gellaho
Do a lot of people commit suicide via stabbing, anyway?
FancyShark
Samurai?
gellaho
Much less the world's smallest knife
FancyShark
Why not make it safety scissors at this point?
gellaho
Ski patrol getting sideswiped
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So his handwriting turned to shit when he was under the effect of heavy doses of drugs?
No fucking way!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fun how the police believe the killer is still around but arent like.......getting these dipshits away from the area to protect them or anything.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Ski patrol", what is this, fucking Norway
FancyShark
Would you? They're all pretty horrible
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Ski Patrol is the worst sentai team ever.
gellaho
They did try using one as bait
FancyShark
Yeah. This is more like bored children trying to make bugs fight
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SKI POLIIIICE
(Where is the killer now?)
SKI POLIIIIICE
(Better frame another teeeeen)
gellaho
Robo-Jeff initialize
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Using the "Once you pop, you are unable to stop" theory of murder detection.
gellaho
"I never thought anything about you, human female."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I never thought anything bad about you. Not even when you ripped ass so bad in the dorm that the stank lingered for months. Everyone else hated you for it but I didn't."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jeff was too busy doing something whitebread and boring like organizing his ties.
FancyShark
"I certainly never thought about you stepping on me."
"I kno- wait, what"
gellaho
Kelly, do you know what a hose is?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
HAhahaha Kelly. The cops would use a sock with a bar of soap in it.
Or oranges.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
I've heard that term before. Did some torturers actually do that?
Actually, no, don't answer that
LyraV
Oh I forgot what it was part two of for just a small moment. Then I remembered Kelly.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I literally went and downloaded Discord on my Chromebook
gellaho
"I guess"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Too late. Yes, its like a whip, especially if you have a nozzle on one end. Its not the best but if you have to improvise you beat people with what you can.
FancyShark
Dammit, Sausage!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
It's certainly no chair with a cut out bottom and a knotted rope.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So do you hit them with the nozzle end or is that like the whip handle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Dealers choice, if you want to fuck em up then hit them with the nozzle end.
THe other end wont bruise as badly.
Or possibly at all, depending on your hose.
gellaho
"Why are you scared about the murderer?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My god. Even for teenagers, even for a Kathryn book, they're all so fucking stupid.
FancyShark
Will is not good at avoiding suspicion
Ramb$ne
Fire's flames
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kid.......did you not think that maybe the person stabbing people is doing it for reasons that ARENT good?
Ramb$ne
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
We don't know why they killed Paula, they could kill the rest of yas
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Like good job extending the benefit of the doubt to a stabbist but also fuck you?
gellaho
Question marks
gellaho
Also, I guess the police lady said something about a secret protector? Must have missed that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God it'd be so funny if they assigned Will the role of secret protector.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly...........you are such a stupid person. Are you..........do you think.........fuck you Kelly.
FancyShark
Kelly, Will sells beer and pot. It does not take a special breed of person to get invited to high school parties
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I hope Will stabs Kelly to steal her socks.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Those earnest blue eyes, tho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Oh he's really popular, he must secretly be a teen cop."
FancyShark
Also, there is nothing wrong with trying to be everyone's friend, Kathryn
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Kelly, thats a rejected Jackie Chan script.
Or a movie Mark Walhberg made, I dont know.
FancyShark
Maybe Will just wants everyone to be happy!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It would explain the rubber hose thing
gellaho
Found it. Hmmm, needlessly vague
FancyShark
I hope it's Frank
LyraV
Good thing they clarified or I might have been confused about whose flames those were.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I love how Kelly doesnt think its like.......one of the two adults that cop is talking about.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
She's going to trust Will thinking he's the secret protector when really he's the killer!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Like one of the two adults who are already responsible for her safety.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Awful convenient that the cops deeded a plainclothes into this teen getaway just in case a murder mystery broke out
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
She can't fuck one of them
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, Frank could have just been a retired cop this whole time and we could have avoided this whole fake arrest interlude
LyraV
Although I do admit I like calling people creeps. It's very satisfying.
gellaho
Please let me go out alone in the woods with a murder near where my friend died! It's the most relaxing thing!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Manmade white stuff in TRAILS?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ski, ski, skiiiiii!!!!!!!!!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
My mind immediately said "Hey we dont know Frank's dick doesnt work." and then "Ohhhhh Mordred meant not SUPPOSED to."
FancyShark
You can all relate, right, audience? Just ski your problems away?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
That worked out AMAZING last time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The minute they're all out on the trail Gwyneth Paltrow bowls Kelly over and breaks her ribs
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"Just put some Goop on it"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And Kelly has to give her a dollar.
FancyShark
I stand by my previous claim that Kelly smashed her head open on the slopes and this is all a dying hallucination
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Here, take one of my pussy scented candles."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man, if only
gellaho
"Just like the first time on Brian's grave!"
gellaho
And Kelly? Keep your pants on
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Reach around to kiss her on the lips? Is this like that "wash the your boobs on your back" thing?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You'll need your pants to flee from Murder Jeff.
FancyShark
"So nice and so great-looking."
I've read hotter prose on the back of laundry detergent.
LyraV
Nice AND good looking what more ha scooooped
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A sad day when someone manages to sail under the bar set by "Your tits are stupendous"
gellaho
Vroom vroom
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
It wasn't someone's earnest eyes, was it?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Holy shit it's Gwyneth!
Ski, Kelly! Ski for your life!!
FancyShark
That's just James Bond
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
SnowmoMURDER!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Squirt out your jade yoni egg first, it'll only slow you down
gellaho
A ski mask!? On the slopes!? How unusual
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Pasty dry?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
For a second I thought Gellaho had been hit by a snowmobile.
FancyShark
Pasties shouldn't be dry. You might be overcooking them.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just like us after that romance dialogue
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Zing
FancyShark
She skied left and up
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Sweet ski jump, if only you could have avoided this situation KELLY.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
In Florida?
The perfect crime
gellaho
A very difficult task in Florida
FancyShark
holy shit, a rare gellaho scoop
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Except to conclusions
FancyShark
BOOM
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Way to preserve tension, Kathryn
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly has never played Super Mario Bros.
FancyShark
"Kelly had only heard about hopping in songs and stories"
gellaho
I don't know, that kinda sounds like jumping to me
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
DO A THREE SIXTY YOU SILLY LITTLE MOO!
gellaho
Are you crazy? Jumping is only real in fairy tales!
FancyShark
Don't tease us with skywhales, Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The wind, a thing without form or mass, swallowed her like a huge whale, in one gulp
gellaho
At least it's not spacewhales
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Skywhales, the hippo of the sky.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They'd like to come and meet us but but they think they'd blow our minds
gellaho
Seems like she's pretty fucking proficient, Kathryn
FancyShark
#humblebrag
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Aaaalmost did a Sonny Bono
gellaho
Kelly not realizing that was attempted murder
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly might be too dumb to be killed.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"You were supposed to grind me under your motor, you MORON!"
gellaho
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE HEADBAND!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
NOOOO FRANK KNITTED THAT FOR HER BIRTHDAY!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Her ears are going to be so pink
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
She wore it while Chad from Denver was railing her on the ski lift!
THE MEMORIES!
gellaho
Everyone is such a moron
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
After one of our friends was murdered, there's no way it'll happen twice.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jeff would say that because he has eyes and is not stupid, ANNETTE!
LyraV
It could have been GHOSTS
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
It could have been the Devil.
FancyShark
This book is the literary version of those puppet shows where the kids keep screaming "He's right behind you!" at the puppet and getting worked up that the puppet thinks they're lying
gellaho
Their friend and murderer
Anyway, time to eat
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
C o n s u m e
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Annette is the killer, I change my guess
gellaho
Kelly hasn't eaten in so long, she's forgotten how often people eat
LyraV
Not like hourglass sand, that was a different kind of dry.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Their Friend and Murderer, at 5-6 Central on Lifetime.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
It was pasty and dry, like the high tide sand at low tide
FancyShark
It's vital to the story we know the cup is paper
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
But does it have the Jazz stripes?!?!
LyraV
I feel like this book is turning my brain into high sand at even tide.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
You gotta really embroider those details
get that word count in
gellaho
Kathryn, you exhaust me
FancyShark
Any time I read "paper cup" , I imagine those tiny paper cone cups for water coolers
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Jeremy, my sweet summer child
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh man. Jeremy's going to confess that to the wrong girl and get murdered as a joke.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Jeremy, tell me you dont have sisters without saying you dont have sisters.
gellaho
"That fake arrest really fixed me up, you know"
FancyShark
"Seeing the ugly woman made Kelly not care about her appearance anymore"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly only really feels alive when other people are dying, it seems.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Jesus, Kelly, let your guard down and there you go stuffing your piggy face
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I get it Kelly. Diets are hard. Hang in there
gellaho
THE TINGLES MEAN I MUST HAVE SODA
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
It'll turn out to be drugged
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh fuck, low blood sugar!
The real cabin murderer!
FancyShark
"You might think that the iocane powder is in this one!" she says, draining both cups and dying.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Troy might want to get that checked out
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
his eyebrows thickened?
lycanthropy
FancyShark
His eyebrows are sentient and prehensile
gellaho
Case closed?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
oh shit hes like the old man from Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I just found out an unprovable rumor ๐Ÿ˜ญ "
FancyShark
"And we could check with the rental office, but let's execute him first"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
You mean one of these guys you just met breaking into your cabin is a little sus?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
VOTE TROY I SAW HIM VENT
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly, you definitely arent smart enough to make these leaps, just sit and wait and youll figure out who the murderer is without having to think about anything.
gellaho
Understandable she's having such a hard time
gellaho
The number for the police is so hard to remember
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Three times a ladyyyy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The phone booth was much larger on the inside than she remembered.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
It took you being told that snowmobile was a murder attempt to figure it out, Kelly. Until today you thought homicide was a kind of bug spray.
gellaho
This can only end stupidly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I hate when I panic trying to dial 911 and that Motorhead song gets stuck in my brain and I dial 999 instead.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Now be fair, it also started and continued stupidly, but anything can happen!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I thought it said he groaned
FancyShark
"I wanted to hear Message in a Bottle. That's not weird!"
gellaho
Hey, I was right
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Troy, you arent doing yourself any favors in the "Im not suspicious" department.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I don't believe him
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
ALSO NO YOU FUCKING ARE NOT A COP TROY!
gellaho
Rather than just, you know, saying the thing Troy decided to be as threatening and mysterious as possible for no reason
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
But he knows danger! She can tell by his expression!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Kathryn if this isnt a bald faced lie.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The undercover cop doing warrantless B&E and drug deals is the most realistic plot beat this book has to offer
FancyShark
Kelly's getting a special page in the yearbook, isn't she
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Last Student Standing"
gellaho
Kathryn, are you trying to make Kelly look as stupid as possible now?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Trying"?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
She tried to cross her arms over her chest but her knockers were just too big
gellaho
"She also tried doing a handstand, but it wasn't possible in the phone booth"
LyraV
pfff hahahaha this slew me
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Kathryn, why are you trying to make this sexy
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Making what hard...?
๐Ÿ™‚
I mean ๐Ÿ˜‰
(I'm so not used to a computer keyboard on here, my emoji game is weakened)
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kathryn was really proud of this idea, and setting it up beforehand. You can tell nobody told her "No, Katheryn, thats fucking stupid."
gellaho
"Why are you being so obtuse, you weirdo"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Or "Kathryn, we told you, we couldnt get the Hardy Boys publisher to sign off on the crossover, you have to write it out."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
"Someone I've hired to pretend to be the real police"
gellaho
This is so weird
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Crack the door maybe?
FancyShark
Phone booths are notoriously airtight
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Real police arrive and, "It seems these two were making out in the phone booth and ran out of air"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
So Kathryn writing this as having sexual tension is a real issue.
gellaho
Kelly chooses this moment to be extremely suspicious
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Did the phone booth swallow her up like a whale?
gellaho
Not, you know, when her attempted murderer showed up
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
This is really fucking roundabout, Troy.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly just nod your fucking head and say "Okay, you're a cop." so this fucking scene can END.
gellaho
Or when this same person was caught in their lodge
And if Troy's a cop, who the fuck is Jeremy
FancyShark
Nice work not reporting the escaped mental patient, Troy
gellaho
He just make friends with a nerd for fun?
FancyShark
Every cop is issued one dweeb for cover
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I refuse to believe that a cop faking being a teen is also a popular kid at school.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
fellow kids
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Kathryn, that is just not possible.
gellaho
Just haphazardly throwing in those "in'"s wherever
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
(I was trying to type the gif search, I feel like a grandma on this thing)
FancyShark
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Thanks @FancyShark
gellaho
Will is the popular one at their school, Troy is from a different school
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
These kids all blend together
just a seething mass of horny stupid
gellaho
So, yeah, just made friends with a nerd for fun
FancyShark
Accurate teens then
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Oh hey you guys were right
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!
gellaho
I don't think Jeremy is going to get you a lot of leads on your drug case
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
he's his nerd beard
FancyShark
"Pardon me, fellow teen. You seem like a narc. Would you be friends with me?"
gellaho
Unless you are worried about illegal inhalers
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha it makes sense tho that Jeremy would be friends with the fucking cop.
LyraV
At this point he just wanted a chance to try again at high school.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
How the fuck has she still not executed on a plot point
FancyShark
It's almost a talent
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, monkeys at a typewriter could do better
gellaho
Or, alternatively, Jeremy randomly knows everything about everyone
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
This book, if I went on Story Graph to rate it, I'd get to the "is the book character or plot driven" I'd look at "it's complicated" and still not know what to pick.
FancyShark
"He's got every house bugged"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
There's no way Jeremy knows who does drugs.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Oh yeah, speaking as a total school square I for sure knew all that shit.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"No"
gellaho
"We'll let them keep selling crack in school until we find the big fish"
LyraV
To be fair I never tried to hide it lol
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Nobody talks to Jeremy enough for him to know anything except that that one guy on the football team peed on his Dungeon Masters Guide.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
We have to hunt down their supplier
All the way to Pablo Escobar
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Then we'll bust in on their operation and I'll shout 'Your crack is wack, Jack!' I got it all figured out in my head"
FancyShark
High school kids are too loyal and tough to crack under pressure
gellaho
Skiers are famous crack smokers
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Ahhhh good old 90s storytelling, when we were ignoring the CIA was enabling crack dealers.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I bet it's the one with the red eyes
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Maaaaaaaan (I forgot.)
It's probably Frank.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Oh twist
FancyShark
"I knew he broke his legs to look younger!"
gellaho
"Aren't you guys supposed to be his friend?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I would say something about pain meds but this was written too early
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I mean when a dude is irritable all the time and spontaneously works out, I assume he's doing crack or something.
FancyShark
hahaha, holy shit, Kathryn. Why don't you give Nathan a heroin needle too?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Jim Beam miniatures makes it sound like little action figures.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He broke his spine and hollowed out his legs to fit more smuggled crack!!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
And people laugh at us New Englanders for calling them nips
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Also nobody is getting all that fucked up from a couple tiny bottles of Jim Beam, you fuckin narc.
gellaho
The sound-impenetrable glass of phone booths
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Okay, I gotta go make dinner as my kid is literally prying my hands off the keyboard. Can't wait to find out who the murderer is!
"But you're poking me"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah nobody can see this obvious adult man grinding on the teen girl in a phone booth and misunderstand.
FancyShark
These idiots believed he was a teenager. They're not batting an eye at some phone booth grinding
gellaho
"Oh, well, parties and drugs never go together"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
They'll probably just assume they're doing that thing where you see how many people can cram into one phone booth and join in.
FancyShark
Dammit, Troy!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I wish Jason Pargin was here to explain phone booths to the possible youths.
FancyShark
Wait, I mean, Kelly!
gellaho
Kathryn, you do realize you are still writing about high schoolers, right? For a young adult audience?
gellaho
So, yeah, this character is going to be fucking everyone
FancyShark
I also wish @Brendan wasn't being tortured with tedium, because he'd be ripping this book apart
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly you sweet girl. He's having cracked out sex with those girls.
gellaho
"Hey, kids, Will is just running through this school"
FancyShark
Health Class has a whole chapter on Will
Per the court order
gellaho
You. Can. Not. Stab. Someone. In. The. Heart. With. A. Paring. Knife.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Not without some digging anyway.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
You can if you try REALLY hard
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
After some time and effort
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
You can stab someone with a spoon
gellaho
Kathryn occasionally remembers that she has decided on using multiple perspectives
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Making it through the rib cage might be a problem though
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
FIGHT A COP, JEFF!
DO IT!
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
You can't make me
Oh there's a character named Jeff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
It's legal if he's undercover.
Brendan
What's happening in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST APRES-SKI?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fucking nothing, as far as I can tell
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Troy is a fuckin pig!
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
I have no idea, I just came in and sausage is already telling me to fight a cop
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And also a cop.
FancyShark
Someone's a cop pretending to be a teenager. And befriended a nerd.
Brendan
Hey I'm thinking og changing my name by deed poll to Natalie Portmanteau.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The fact this is working is a real plot point
gellaho
If these were actual people, Jeff wouldn't believe the explanation for this. But because they are all morons, he probably will
gellaho
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
What's a phone booth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
FIGHT! THAT! BOY! COP! ๐Ÿ‘
gellaho
Kathryn is really drawing out Jeff's pain. Which is weird considering we know what's happened
gellaho
This might be what Kathryn is into
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It has to be.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Prototype CW edging, yeah, Kathryn is soooooo hornt up now.
FancyShark
Kathryn was heartbroken by a boy named Jeff back in school. And she's dealing with it like a healthy lunatic
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dealing with it like a Peter David
gellaho
Still going
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
FUUUUUUUUUCK
This is painful.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jeff please kick Troys ass.
LyraV
She could tell he was thinking hard because of all the yelling.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Its all I want from you.
FancyShark
It's a cleansing kind of pain
LyraV
Dammit Kelly.
gellaho
"I don't feel like telling you this very stupid plan. A plan where it would not matter if I told you"
gellaho
I have to avenge Paula, the murderer
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Even a criminal deserves justice!
Unless it's drug crime, then fuck them kids
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Jeff is the only person here who isnt both insane AND a moron, he's just a regular moron so he might have some unique insight to offer, KELLY!
FancyShark
Paula, dear friend who almost smashed my head with a rock after drowning her boyfriend AKA MY BEST FRIEND
gellaho
Jeff moving on quickly
GDC
Okay, what's happening?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Paula, who I was having freakouts about until just now when the bodies started dropping.
FancyShark
Troy is a cop
Otherwise, you've missed nothing
gellaho
Jeff about to score with some college chicks
LyraV
A place I definitely never sold weed.
FancyShark
Jeff, you just turned down a threesome with two sane, probably intelligent women to go cry over a doorknob
gellaho
Gimme that thicc tree
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
A knob in the hand is worth two in the bush.
LyraV
I mean not on the illustrious University of Maryland campus in college park. A place not at all dangerous ha!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
More or less pathetic than Woolie doing the same for Marvel Vs Capcom?
gellaho
That seems unfair
FancyShark
You can have comfort or you can have a penis. Not both
GDC
The boys are sleeping in nests, not bed.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahaha why would you even GO on a trip where you had to sleep on the fucking floor?
gellaho
A new challenger has appeared for Worst Simile ever:
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I would have called my parents the first day and gone home, let alone after the murder happened.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Just doubling down on the bad simile
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Shit thoughts, yo.
Girl needs to poop.
GDC
Got a bad case of brain diarrhea
gellaho
FancyShark
Oh jeez. I've had nights like that. IBS is no joke.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Girl is fighting for her damn life
GDC
Oh God the poop is coming out her eyes
gellaho
Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion
yo we burying damp cheeks in here- oh
FancyShark
She's got the dance dance fever
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Her danger sense is triggered, someone is going to the bathroom!
Kelly, did you know hypervigilance is a symptom of PTSD?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, did I manifest this with that fart bit from earlier?
gellaho
What, does his wheelchair run on gasoline?
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Diesel wheels
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Is this gonna be one of those really terrible mysteries where the killer turns out to be somebody we met maybe in passing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
It runs on that crack generated electricity
FancyShark
It's far past the point of being a terrible mystery
It's closer at this point to a war crime
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I hope the rumble is an avalanche coming to murder all these losers
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Oh, yeah, there's Henry Kissinger
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Frank is so jacked up on crack he is vibrating.
His leg would be bouncing but.........you know.
gellaho
I think there are some logistical issues with a guy in a wheelchair stabbing someone in the heart with a paring knife
gellaho
Regardless of how many push-ups he can do
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha he used his superpowered wheelchair arms to kill with a paring knife
Fuck this book
GDC
The tire tracks in the blood pool should have been the first clue.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hes got both wheelchair AND crack strength. He's an unstoppable berserker.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Wait all this nothing is happening over halfway through the book?!?!?!
gellaho
Kathryn charges for writing advice
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Give him Escrima sticks and he's basically an evil Oracle
gellaho
No, no, no silly
There are 20 pages left
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Thank fuck.
FancyShark
Making the murderer the only person who's behaved like a normal person is oddly smart
Since we're all clamoring for the deaths of the other characters
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He got mad at his wife for no reason tho so hes clearly evil
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm still rooting for Frank, but now I just want him to snap everybody's necks and vanish into the night
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The areas new urban legend: The Wheelchair Murderer.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
So the clue that let her crack the caseโ€ฆ Is that the guy who has to turn his wheelchair wheels to move is really strong?
FancyShark
You Have To Come Downstairs Sometime
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
To be fair I think we figured it out a long time ago so its only fair that Kelly catches up.
gellaho
Will is bad!? The only new character was the bad guy!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
HAHAHA WE SURE FUCKIN DID
FancyShark
BOOYA
WE SOLVED THE TWO PIECE PUZZLE
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
๐Ÿ–• Fuck you Kathryn ๐Ÿ–•
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
lol
gellaho
In case you forgot Frank's marital status
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You might as well, Frank. You're in too deep. You HAVE to kill her.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
I kind of got the sense that this wouldn't make any more sense if I actually had any idea what was going on
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Also Kathryn fuck you for another book with a lame body count of ONE.
gellaho
The small gun is a metaphor
FancyShark
Wes Craven would later plagiarize this plot for Scream
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
All that gun buildup for a revolver no bigger than my left nut
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And a little bit of that 21 Jump Street movie.
LyraV
Kelly? Confused? I don't believe it!! Outlandish accusation.
gellaho
Frank just out here rooting around for guns for funzies
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Will, is that a .38? What are you, a girl? It's the 90s, you should have a least a nine mill.
FancyShark
Okay, @LyraV , did any of your dates involve gun running?
GDC
That's a cover story that only works for white people.
gellaho
Similes Ahoy
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Probably she bought some crack from him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"What are you gonna do, murder me?"
last reported words of murder victim
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Paula loved crack.
Crack and drowning.
gellaho
I think the girls would notice if you were just running up and down the interstate picking up packages
gellaho
That's not a normal thing people do
GDC
Kathryn is making the argument that authors should be licensed to use similes.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
This teen boy is a major drug pipeline, damn.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You could drive a hundred miles in a NIGHT?!?!
FancyShark
Will maintained a stellar reputation despite hours of driving girls around looking at nothing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kathryn, do they even let you out of your room?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
How the fuck did he get a second date? Its hours from New York to Washington.
GDC
Reliable gun runners are the ones at risk of being grounded by their moms.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
I-95 is not a magic Highway
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
That simile really took me out of the story...
... Is what a beta reader would say if she had any
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
My guy must have been using the Rainbow Road.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dude took the fucking Rainbow Road dammit scooped
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Also true East coasters just call it 95
FancyShark
This is absolutely not the hill to die on for this book
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
State highways are all three digits so we see no need to differentiate
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
The Good reads reviewers seem to consider this an improvement on the first book
gellaho
The tragedy is not, you know, that they'd be dead but that people might be sad or think poorly of them
GDC
Damning faint praise.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Further evidence Goodreads is full of maniacs.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Small factual errors like that really take me out of the story
gellaho
He is in a wheelchair!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The wheelchair bound are just as capable of stabbing a girl to death as anyone.
GDC
Yeah. No need to be ableist.
gellaho
Like, you can't come after somebody in a wheelchair with a knife
It's something that requires both hands
FancyShark
I mean, if certain conditions are met
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is she fucking forgetting her own characters' traits?!?!
gellaho
He'd just be spinning in a circle trying to stab her
LyraV
If they had it in their teeth maybe?
GDC
She forgot her own characters names at one point
LyraV
Wait I just thought about that.
nevermind
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Yackity Sax playing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Frank could be a practitioner of Gymkata and tie knives to his legs.
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
His fucking useless legs?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
Second drafts are for quitters
GDC
Yeah, just swing them around like flails
gellaho
Meanwhile
FancyShark
"Guess I can call it a night," he thought.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Troy doing a great job at the whole "secret protector" gig
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
If you spin fast enough, centrifugal force takes care of the rest.
gellaho
Troy is great at this
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahah okay so maybe Troy really is a cop.
Never around when you need him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"You been"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Bad at his job.
FancyShark
"I timed it. I've catalogued all your sleep habits."
gellaho
Also, great undercover work that they just used his real name
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Creepin on teen girls.
GDC
Being an undercover cop must have been a lot easier before LinkedIn
gellaho
Kick rocks nerd
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"FNYAAAAAAAAH RUDE!"
FancyShark
Jeremy would go on to crush so much ass at the University of Maryland
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Go clean your inhaler, Jeremy.
gellaho
Simile time
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Because he inherited Will's drug connections. He's been the mastermind the whole time!
gellaho
Who does he think he is? Jeff?
FancyShark
Jeremy is Kaiser Soze!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
AND JEFF!
Jeff and Jeremy are the SAME PERSON!
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
GIF
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Troy is great at this
FancyShark
Deploying that police training
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahah get your ass kicked by Jeffemy!
Dont think to use like cop fu or anything, Troy.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I know authors who use tension and they're all cowards.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Angel fuckin rules.
FancyShark
Oh good, the REALLY creepy character arrived
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Like just sees an ass whipping in progress and is down.
gellaho
It's almost like this whole plan was pointless
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Troy Blart: Teen Cop
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Just my crack addict husband, that kid who spends alot of time driving with no particular destination, and the girl everyone wants to murder for some reason."
gellaho
Frank really felt in charge of the situation
gellaho
Pictured: being in charge of the situation
FancyShark
"I am mighty," thought the man who screamed at his wife for not loving a man with dead legs.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Boo!
Booooo!
Don't you dare kill the only real person in this book!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Congrats Frank. You made yourself a burden. It has nothing to do with your legs, but you fuckin did it.
gellaho
She's going to feel really silly when he's dead
Next paragraph
FancyShark
Dammit, Jeff! This is no time for hugs!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Will should have just shot them both and made it look like a murder/suicide.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He shouldn't have even had to think about it.
FancyShark
Since apparently no one questions anything in this world
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Kelly
GDC
At that speed it must have been more of a suplex than a hug.
FancyShark
Who says there aren't any strong women in fiction?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He could have just yeeted the heater into the treeline and the cops would be all "Looks like a clear cut case of killin themselves."
gellaho
Oh, fuck me. I can't stop laughing
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.
You know what aren't great things to throw? Knives, that aren't throwing knives.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
HAH
FancyShark
hahahahaha
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Literally shot himself in the foot ๐ŸคŒ
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you dont practice proper firearm safety, WILL!
FancyShark
Mr. Bean would have been a more credible threat
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Chekhov wept.
gellaho
In case you didn't understand adrenaline
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Yeah, don't let the carnies fool ya, you really shouldn't throw kitchen knives.
GDC
AIIEEEEEumph
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Troy, arriving just in time to do nothing of note. Perfect cop character.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I am getting the feeling of pumping in the Crash Course
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Pumping hard like she wishes Troy would, now push it ๐ŸŽต
GDC
There's still time for him to take credit for everything.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I cant believe how much you look like you are in heaven.
gellaho
Okay, the chain of events in one page:
1) Paralyzed man jumps into knife
2) Kelly runs straight into Jeff
3) Kelly limply throws kitchen knife
4) Shooter shoots himself in foot
FancyShark
Plan's going perfect
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Everyone botched their engagement rolls
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kathryn, this is far worse than the other two books you made us read.
And you did make us.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Someone had to.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You did this Kathryn, its your fault.
gellaho
I have no regrets
Shot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Wait, young husband?!
gellaho
Chaser
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I thought this dude was like 50!
FancyShark
"Jesus, now your talking's crippled, too? Why do I put up with you?"
GDC
If only the police officer had some way of contacting his colleagues
gellaho
Probably because he's 22 and she's in high school
FancyShark
He's fired
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
STOP TRYING TO MAKE STATUTORY HAPPEN, KATHRYN.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Hey, that's young to some of us ๐Ÿฅฒ
gellaho
The fuck are you talking about Kelly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Aw Angel I thought you were based but nope. NOBODY LIKES A COP FUCKER GOTH GIRL, ANGEL!\
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
Now everyone is paired off
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
No, he wont be taking her to prom because he's a grown ass man and she's a fucking minor you weird perverts.
GDC
If you bring a narc to prom you deserve whatever happens to you
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
As is traditional in these stupid teen books
FancyShark
Jeff and Kelly. Angel and Troy. Nathan and Jim Beam.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And the readers are mostly just pissed off
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly. Kelly. KELLY! You NEED TO STOP!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof โ˜ข๐Ÿบ
I missed a lot so were they even flirting before?
FancyShark
They were not
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
She saw him get his ass wrestled down by Jeff and it was magical.
gellaho
Yeah, not really
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Some girls get like that for the yaoi content.
And cops.
gellaho
The impression you were supposed to get was that Troy was flirting with Kelly
So, who knows
GDC
Maybe Kathryn mixed up her character's names again
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Brian's memorial stands as a failed ski run by his best friend.
gellaho
Anyway, here's a long section on Nathan who has barely been in this book
FancyShark
Thanks for developing that character right as we stop the story, Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nathan fucking quits the series, good for him
gellaho
"Hey, kids, drop out of school and get into boat rental!"
FancyShark
GED? So the SAT thing didn't work out?
gellaho
Such great friends
FancyShark
Cue "What a Wonderful World"
GDC
As soon as Kelly is gone Nathan breathes a sigh of relief and grabs a whiskey
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
lmao that is so fucking sad, Nathan is self aware enough to know he's not even a minor character in this book and we all forgot about him when he wasnt being talked about directly.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is Kelly going to look back at an empty room and flick the lights off before she leaves now
gellaho
THOSE ARE MY ATHLETIC SHOES, BITCH
gellaho
Reminder: Frank Peterson is Kelly's dad, not Frank Riley wheelchair guy
Because Kathryn though it'd be a good idea to have two Franks in this book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly is getting a new fuckin Mom Cop!
GDC
Fucking Kelly's dad is a real power move
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha is the cop trying to fuck her dad??
I can't believe it. An actual twist.
And it only came on the last page of the book.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
How else do cops get laid? They fuck family members of crime victims.
Or just crime victims.
GDC
Or people in their custody
gellaho
I guess that's one way to end a book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Sometimes the victims of their own crimes.
Actually statistically alot more than sometimes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I can't believe this nothing story ended up being a two parter.
LyraV
I just don't even....
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Kelly you are such a fuckin dork, who is happy about their dad nailing a cop?
FancyShark
Kelly will have to figure out the best way to tell her new mom she's ugly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, genuinely, nothing fucking happened.
But there was so much of it!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
On the upside Kelly can now ward off her new mom with crushed fentanyl sprinkled around her door.
gellaho
We have defeated Crash Landing
GDC
Kelly is self-infantilizing
FancyShark
WE DID IT!
๐Ÿ“ฏ
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, fucking burn this book, dude.
Holy shit.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I wish this book was a person so I could beat it with a rusty pipe but we DID IT!
GDC
Kathryn belongs in book jail.
LyraV
I mean...that ending certainly crashed.
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !