92: Crash Landing Nicole Davidson

#2 Crash Course

Tags: The Year of Pain

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gellaho: The Book Cage Episode 92 - Crash Landing; We've had lots of fun with Dragonards and Frank, Joe, and Tom, but the Year of Pain must soldier on. And as such, we are revisiting one of our new friends: Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson. It's the sequel to Crash Course! How has Kelly recovered since the murderous SAT prep course that ruined her life? Well, a ski trip at that exact same location should help! Join me and a bunch of shitty teens on the slopes this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho: Coming up at the top of the hour it's Nicole Davidson's/Kathryn Jensen's/Kathryn Johnson's Crash Landing. Here is the knife preview
gellaho: Apparently some kind of punch stab
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: You can't just kill a person for sentence fragments!
FancyShark: I hope this doesn't affect her SAT scores; I know the well for that joke is dry, but if she's revisiting it, so can we
gellaho: Time to begin the process
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Will we beat our all time high of One slasher murder in tonight's slasher outing? Time will tell
FancyShark: I hope they pulled the teacher out of that sinkhole since the last book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I cant wait for the whole book to imply that the happenings are supernatural and then reveal that no of course not.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I hope they didn't
gellaho: Previously on Crash Course
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Welcome to Deep Creek. Not a creek, but a lake.; We have intentionally named it wrong. As a joke.
FancyShark: MTV will never stop showing videos
gellaho: The depression of the flamboyantly dressed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
GDC: Seems weird to go skiing here, what with all the trauma
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Watch out for Gwyneth Paltrow!
FancyShark: Trauma makes for good slopes
gellaho: Boy, looking forward to a whole book of this sad girl shit
gellaho: Most way-cool teacher
GDC: I hope kelly becomes a goth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly you need some hair dye and My Chemical Romance?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The high school requires one whole ski advisor
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Some lacy gloves? I can get my friend to recommend some solid eyeliner.
FancyShark: I bet that award goes on her resume
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Unless they're Eddie Lacy gloves, in which case get thee to football club posthaste
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also how white is your school if you have a ski advisor?; And a whole ass ski club?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: As white as the driven sno— hey wait
gellaho: ✅ Redhead
GDC: As white as the slopes that are their classr-yeah.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuckin Jeff just wanted to weasel out of having to tell someone about something.
FancyShark: Annette, you didn't hear about how a student died in this place? Under school supervision?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Brian wasn't exactly well known or well liked
gellaho: Too focused on the slopes, baby
FancyShark: In terms of best friends, he was the way-best
gellaho: Will O' the Wisp
FancyShark: "Thanks for the reminder, Annette"
GDC: "they didn't like Brian, much"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Not drowned, WAS drowned, Kelly. Active voice, not passive.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Is Kelly not aware she could have just. Stayed home
FancyShark: Kelly's too sad to remember she has independence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And miss out on the chance to sad girl?; Not missing a chance to sad girl is very teen girl, my sister never did.
gellaho: That is very convenient for this sequel
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: My sister would have KILLED to have one of her friends drown.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: They'd have been pleased TO DEATH, is what you're saying
GDC: Sad Girl Exposition is a great name for an emo band.
FancyShark: "Incidentally, did you hear that hospital lost all of their door locks?"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah Kelly, of COURSE Paula was mentally ill, you think girls like Paula could possibly NOT be mentally ill?
gellaho: This some strong fiveshadowing
FancyShark: Paula tried to crush you with a boulder because she couldn't die with Brian. Kelly? Did you forget that?; I think Annette's realizing she's made one decision she regrets
gellaho: That was mentioned in the exhaustive recap I skipped; Jeff seen here in his Bond henchman costume
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Annettes decision she regrets is sleeping with Chad Henswick, the ski instructor from Denver.
FancyShark: Kelly's still an idiot, which is really all we need to know
gellaho: And sexually harassing a teacher
GDC: I think that we're going to see a lot of that
gellaho: I'm also pretty sure that last book ended with Nathan hating all of them, but whatever
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuckin Jeff.
FancyShark: "Nathan's anemic! Let's party!"
gellaho: He also recovered from that deep stab wound pretty quickly
GDC: Jeff flushed Nathan's meds down the toilet as a prank
gellaho: Considering it was in November
FancyShark: Classic Jeff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: We stitched him up and now hes fine.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It was really more of a flesh wound
FancyShark: Arteries grow back
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I've seen Hellraiser, they totally can
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: They infused him with gecko blood, he's better than ever.
Ramb$ne: Blood geckos are a completely different story
gellaho: Frank Riley is what happens when Frank Hardy and Con Riley get in a transporter accident
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Cruvix
FancyShark: @LyraV ! @Brendan ! You're missing out on the angst!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Probably came to keep his wife from fucking Chad Hemswick again.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I've never thought to stop dialogue to identify a character for one sentence then back into it.; Or at least not with a paragraph break for that one sentence
gellaho: Nathan out here complaining about this useless cripple
GDC: should've been a footnote
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Or that info presented some other way.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Nathan really trying to sell himself as either the first victim or the murderer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its fine, you can still get wood sometimes if you can't walk, Frank. I'm sure your wife still loves you.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Like Annette saying, "My husband worries too much"
FancyShark: Nothing endears you to a group like bitching about the disabled
gellaho: Hey look, another Jeff
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh Jesus, he's got two Chad first names. This is one to watch
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I love when a personality is "Drives a cool car."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: A massive hunk of what?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Yeah Vin Diesel is great
GDC: Will Tanner's got big Beef McLargeHuge energy.
gellaho: Bleached Angel
FancyShark: Will Tanner would go on to star in Alf
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Boooo. Give us an actual Goth
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Hey, it's only in college on a campus with restricted parking for on campus students that a guy with a car gets invited everywhere.
GDC: We're down one goth girl, Kelly, you need to step up
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Being on Alf is the closest he will ever come to eating pussy.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I only knew one goth named Angel and she was insufferable.
gellaho: Didn't know you could do worse than Mr. Pizza
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I was dating her bestie and she got so jealous.
FancyShark: "Goth girl finds religion after witnessing someone die" feels less plausible than anything else so far
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: So is it pronounced Pizzazz or Pizza-zz
GDC: The usual pipeline is goth -> wiccan
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And two pubs which will go unnamed
FancyShark: Look, kid, I got customers. Just order already.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Shenanigans? Does this take place in White River Junction?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The only goth girl in my school made us call her Salubria Indica.
gellaho: What a likable character
LyraV: Better than skiing in the dark I suppose?
FancyShark: hahaha, Will definitely has an STI
GDC: Silly Annette, rich people don't need to learn to be better
Ramb$ne: More like... Won't has an STI, amirite?
gellaho: Suddenly:
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: And I doubt they do in college
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: If he doesnt yet Annette will give him one.
FancyShark: Frank, you prankster!
GDC: Relax Kelly, he's just getting the charcuterie board ready
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "I made brownies, want one?"
Ramb$ne: Frankster*
gellaho: If there was only someway we could evade this guy in a wheelchair!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh hell yeah, are we getting a "disabled people can be murderers too!"?; GIF
FancyShark: Nice the knife is handicap accessible
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Waxy gray orbs, what a great image for a living human's eyes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He's a vampire!!
GDC: He sounds like an Oblivion character
gellaho: "No, your real name"
FancyShark: He's rheumatic
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: No-nonsense teacher-stare
gellaho: "No, his real name"
FancyShark: GEE
GDC: Golly!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Golly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "This is all a huge misunderstanding. I just like scuttling out of vents and grabbing shiny objects, its a new teen thing called "goblin mode". Everyone is doing it."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Willikers
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Sockamagee!
FancyShark: "We're with the law firm of Potter and York"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Angel is so thirsty she will fuck a Troy and learn why you dont fuck a Troy.
gellaho: "Well, this is the worst excuse I've ever heard. Straight to juvy"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Keine
FancyShark: Well, you're horrible, Kelly. So probably not flirting.; Except he's a teenage boy, so yeah, flirting
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: You could have just said "blindingly white" to describe him and left it at that, tbh. The jumpsuit is just a hat on a hat
GDC: What's the thing where you see a rare word once and then see it again right away? https://twitter.com/midnight_pals/status/1639331870029799424
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly needs to learn the difference between flirting and ogling.
gellaho: Sure, a great time to start doing that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus, writer, just kick him straight in the nuts while you're at it.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: This is his version of cracking his knuckles while flexing his biceps.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I cant tell if the author is horny for Frank or wants us to think he's capable of murder.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "Lemme at 'em!"
gellaho: That doesn't explain anything
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: WEED
FancyShark: FISH
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It was more of a "window-slightly-ajar and entering", officer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: PEMMICAN!
LyraV: Hell yeah
GDC: Nathan's been into the devil's lettuce
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Parsley?! THE FIEND!
FancyShark: Jeremy has FOMO about open windows
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Kale
gellaho: Her thinking this makes sense explains why she's the ski instructor and not an actual teacher
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He's smuggling corpse flowers through Wisp Mountain!
FancyShark: "Without his Predator goggles, how can he see in the snow?"; "That makes sense."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nathan inhaling the perfume of the Black Lotus.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I had no idea they make prescription ski goggles instead of just wearing ski goggles over glasses.
gellaho: A really super memorial run
GDC: Ski the pain away
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I do know that they have prescription eye protection
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "How the fuck am I supposed to ski a run, dumbass? Those are two completely different verbs. Fucking— you know what, just leave me to my sadness, you fucking freakazoid."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Brian, screaming from Hell: "NO FUCK YOU I HATED SKIIING! I WANT TO NOT BE DEAD YOU FOOL!"
FancyShark: Good god, Kelly. Just toss a rock in the lake if you're going for that level of commemoration
gellaho: Time to Sonny Bono this shit
LyraV: Yeah let me snap my bones for BRIAN
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Deathwish" Kelly!
FancyShark: "If I die stupidly, it's the best way to honor his pointless death."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Brian would want me to join him in death, is what Angel should be thinking.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
GDC: We're doing the eye-opener eyes closed. It's what Brian would have wanted
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Next, Ill try to eat an entire horse. For Brian."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Maybe she'll get a sweet wheelchair like Frank; Then they can both do menacing chair pushups at trespassers.
FancyShark: Then she can stab people!
GDC: Learn from his mistake though, and tie your knife to a broomstick
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh Sadgirl Teentimes would LOVE to have a wheelchair and be sad about not being able to walk anymore.
gellaho: This is a great time to get easily distracted
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Imagine the sick skateboarding tricks you could do on the halfpipe with a wheelchair; That face—!; It was BRIAN!!
gellaho: Damn my lack of self-control!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: For an instant, she forgot she was skiing
FancyShark: Well, her eyes are opened
gellaho: Sick burn on Brian saying he looked like a girl
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The cool thing about wheelchairs is you can mod them. Get an engine on there, add some nitro and a rocket assist and you're doing Mad Max: Accessibility Edition.
FancyShark: "JUST WALK AW- oh, sorry"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Makes me think of that dude in The Peripheral whose name escapes me.
GDC: Charles Xavier?
gellaho: The commonly known explosive thud
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or the dude in Alien Resurrection who had a whole ass arsenal in his ride.; Boooooooo I wanted Kelly to be spitting tree bark and teeth!
FancyShark: Yes, the multiple DO NOT SKI UNLESS YOU ARE A PRO signs were warning about muscle strain
GDC: Or the thing in Dead Rising 2 where you taped a machine gun to the wheelchair and trash talk with a stephen hawking voice
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: One of only a handful of good things about that movie
gellaho: Kathryn really understands the teen experience
FancyShark: The rest of this book is Kelly's brain constructing a fantasy as it drips out of her shattered skull
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I mean Thud was pretty great, I don't know if I'd call it an explosive book tho
FancyShark: Ski accidents are the leading cause of lesbianism. That's science.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The other leading cause is murder, incidentally
gellaho: Kelly once again divines someone's trauma from a single look
GDC: Jeremy's dad's hobby is buying community centres in low income neighborhoods and turning them into strip malls
gellaho
FancyShark: Lesbians are hardcore, is the point
gellaho: waits for a round of applause
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah Kelly thinks Troy is HARD EDGED lmao.
GDC: Troy practiced that line in the mirror for like, 2 hours
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Conner
FancyShark: Troy's 'Nam flashback is over
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh my god, there is a vampire in this story
FancyShark: "He knows about danger. He's seen orange vests."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Practicing his mean mug in a mirror, Kelly.
gellaho: Kelly decides that it is a great idea to become friends with/flirt with this "wounded" boy she just caught breaking into her cabin
GDC: Classic sad girl move
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "YAY SODAS!"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Golly gee a strawberry phosphate for me!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Kids come running for the fizzy bubbles that expand their stomach lining over time to the point that they lose all sense of proportional hunger and satiety!
FancyShark: "It's just like being around my dead friend! As he is now."
gellaho: Uncaffeinated. Real hardcore
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "D-do you want to get one s-soda with t-two straws, Troy?"; "Sounds dangerous. Germs and all. Backwash."; Swoon
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Remembering she hadn't had breakfast today, she ate two potato chips and called it a meal
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Two chips? you fucking oinker
FancyShark: Lay's "Remember: You Didn't Have Breakfast Today" marketing scheme is working!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: BBQ is a solid choice.
gellaho: No, Kelly, you fucking moron. She killed him. And tried to kill you by repeatedly hitting you in the head with a rock
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Better than cool ranch, for breath purposes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I hope for Kelly's sake those chips were Middleswarths. All else is folly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: No, Kelly. It was a literal murder.; Like a for real murder.
gellaho: And also, you know, stabbed Nathan; But who wouldn't
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Lets be honest, that is probably not the first time Nathan has been stabbed and wont be the last time.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: As in slain, cut down, snuffed, whacked, knocked off...
gellaho: Not eating and strenuous exercise. Kelly's looking for a hardcore fainting soon
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Probably the first time he wasnt stabbed for "Looking at my girl" or "Are you wearing a wire" or "beer money".
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Shuffled down the mortal coil to join the choir invisible…
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahh imagining Kelly having all that much weight to lose BEFORE Brian died.
GDC: "I'll eat tonight" makes you sound like a vampire
gellaho: It is impossible for these authors to write "licked their lips" normally
GDC: "At dusk, I feast"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "It looks like an umbrella. Maybe a gun."
GDC: It's a public ski hill, Kelly, you're going to see lots of people
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: It's all leading up to a faint when she sees the next shocking thing.
gellaho: I think Kelly needs glasses
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: God I hope its Paula and they let her out on a weekend pass.
gellaho: Also, Troy's just following her around for all this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He's imprinted on her like a puppy
FancyShark: Like how people leave wreathes on the bumpers of the cars that have hit pedestrians
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And hopefully not like a werewolf
gellaho: Because Kathryn can't write a book where a strange boy(s) follows the main dumbass girl around
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Honestly if I was hanging out with a cute redhead in the woods there arent too many places I wouldnt follow her.; Like bear caves.
GDC: Especially one with big sad girl energy
gellaho: I mean, all the characters are dumbasses but you know
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Weird empty looking cabins.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Hoping for werewolves 😝
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Abandoned mines.
GDC: torch-ringed pits with lots of bones in the middle
FancyShark: You live in a wasteland, Sausage?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah. Iowa.
FancyShark: HEYOOO
gellaho: How is this where the lake was
gellaho: That cabin was in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by trees
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: To be fair the abandoned mine game here isnt that strong.
gellaho: Trees, you know, the things you don't want to ski near
FancyShark: Tourists come from miles around to see the constant sinkholes
gellaho: Also that
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or......MAYBE Brian knew more than one or two girls?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: When in Wisp Mountain, visit beautiful Utapau!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Like he had a cousin or something.
gellaho: The many, many strange ground holes
FancyShark: To be fair, skiing with pitfalls sounds like a cool video game
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Come for the sink holes, stay to retrieve the corpses of your loved ones.
gellaho: "Popping corn?" I know you aren't ninety years old, Kathryn
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And the Iowa Board of Tourism said my slogans were bad.
FancyShark: That sounds like a serious heart condition, Kelly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I mean she seems to think slashers are when only one person in a story dies, that's some pretty Hays Code shit
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly just wants to sit on her davenport with her popping corn and some of Mr. Graham's Crackers, and listen to radio plays.
gellaho: Oh, OK, so that disappearing thing was pointless
gellaho: Because she was right there the next sentence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah fuck I was kidding, Book.
gellaho: The "turn around and someone is suddenly there" thing doesn't really work in book form
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Paula gone full Hannibal Lecter.
gellaho: You can't do a jump scare in prose
GDC: Paula did a reverse-batman
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: I honestly didn't think she'd be showing up this quickly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ok Kelly, so you've just been cornered by the person who tried to kill you last book. What is your response and why is it not "lash out with whatever weapon you can find"
gellaho: Or at all
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I had a feeling it might happen. Author is pretty hacky, and she only has the one handful of characters
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah I was thinking shed be a figment of Kellys paranoia or something, this is so basic its fucking surprising.
FancyShark: Now Kelly, remember, you said it was an accident. So getting angry or scared at Paula would be inconsistent with the flimsy characterization you have
gellaho: Are you trying to gaslight me, Kathryn?
FancyShark: Yes; Yes she is
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I think… I think she might genuinely have forgotten how she wrote her own book
GDC: "It might have had something to do with the anchor I had tied to his feet"
gellaho: Kewpie
gellaho: Fuck, you are so stupid Kelly
FancyShark: "It took them so long."; "It was less than a year ago."; "So much time."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Okay this is an outdated reference even for Kelly. I have never seen one of those in my life.; Also HOW BAD WERE THOSE SHRINKS?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Fucking, I knew Kathryn was like 80 years old.
GDC: Troy, the lone voice of sanity
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also fuck you Kathryn for making a Troy the reasonable one.
FancyShark: "Are you crazy? Please check only one box"
GDC: The hospital does involuntary holds via the honor system
FancyShark: It hasn't been that long but holy crap I forgot how bad Kathryn is as this
gellaho: This bad
FancyShark: UNSUPERVISED?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha fuck the criminal justice system I guess, clean bill of mental health
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: HAHAHAHA I WAS FUCKING KIDDING BOOK!; ^o^ My Canadian friend wants to play a game with me, I havent played with her in a grip so I'll see y'all later! Have fun!
gellaho: You fucking deserve to die, holy shit
FancyShark: Later, @Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage !; Make sure to check yourself out of the mental ward!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus Christ, Kelly. I've seen lemmings with more of a will to live.
GDC: Paula, your counselor was terrible.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: The instant, simple and complete release of forgiveness.
gellaho: Kelly out here flirting with other boys and trying to get them all killed
gellaho: What a great protagonist
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: This is what toxic Positivity or religious people want you to believe
FancyShark: The blood feud is back on when Paula discovers they have no Mr. Pibb
gellaho: I didn't think I was going to say this, but I miss when half of the book was from Jeff's perspective; He makes a good point
gellaho: Not only that, but she was supposed to be memorializing her bestest friend Brian
FancyShark: If the whole book was describing bacteria breaking down Brian's corpse into nutrients, it would be more respectful to his memory than this
gellaho: Brian who?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: She forgave so hard she forgot about her dead friend
FancyShark: GIF
GDC: Is this the first time the fact that kelly and jeff are dating was mentioned?; Seems like an important context
gellaho: "You remember how she almost killed him? Hilarious"
GDC: Let's give Paula a knife, it'll be hilarious
gellaho: The last book ended with them making out on Brian's grave
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: To be fair if anyone deserves a laugh at their expense it's Nathan
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha fuck it totally did, how did I forget that
FancyShark: Kelly, what the fuck is wrong with you?
GDC: I don't think I was here for the first book.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I know I wasn't
gellaho: WHY
gellaho: If I was Nathan, I would be screaming at every single person involved in this
GDC: See, this is why you need the knife/broomstick, so you can stab people on the opposite side of the room
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "Just forgive her, everyone, it's simple and easy"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Kathryn is either very old or a space alien. In either case she is woefully misinformed on how people behave
FancyShark: Kathryn, Fred Rogers wasn't this forgiving. What the hell are you playing at?
gellaho: "Fuck her, fuck you, that bitch fucking stabbed me and I bled out alone in the woods for hours."
FancyShark: "She tried to crush your head with a boulder, KELLY"; "SHE DID IT WHILE TELLING YOU SHE KILLED BRIAN"
gellaho: Yeah, booze is what makes your eyes red
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "But she was crazy and in less than a year the doctors said she's not crazy anymore so let's just all be friends again, okay?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Does he smell like skunk?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hey, as long as all our old friends from last book are making a happy return, Let's check in with Mr. Porter!; He is dead in a sinkhole.
gellaho: I wonder why Jeff feels any jealousy
gellaho: The good news is that Will is looking to get murdered
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It was either him or Jeff, let's be honest
FancyShark: Good for her, getting back out there with a rebound murder
gellaho: Jesus Christ. She. Is. A. Murderer!
gellaho: Vulnerable!?!?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I'll start putting the finishing touches on Kelly's Darwin Award
GDC: fast talker? Teen girls love auctioneers, I guess; "Will's a slut, is what I'm getting at"
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: Like y'all wouldn't date a hot chick just because she kills people
gellaho: Just say Cool Whip
gellaho: Turns out we are getting some Jeff Perspective; Can't wait to eat my own words here
FancyShark: Yay?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tbh I'd only feel safe if she were constantly belittling me about it, if she started love bombing me I'd assume I was her best kill
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: Jeff needed his special pants and his special underwear to think about his fight with kelly
FancyShark: I'm still hung up on how Kathryn must've heard about "idiot plots" and thought they were a template
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Now now, be fair. This could still be merely a plot written by an idiot
gellaho: I mean she skipped out on memorializing a dead friend to flirt with someone else, but yeah you were unreasonable Jeff
FancyShark: Sometimes he thought about how Kelly was horrible. Other times, he thought about trains.; He thought "caboose" was a funny word.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And he was right.
GDC: Usually he didn't think at all, though.
FancyShark: Sometimes, Jeff thought about why doorknobs were so crunchy
gellaho: Hot Dog; crash
FancyShark: Mogul?
GDC: He casually ran over a 19th century railroad baron
gellaho: Tiny hills
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Cresting a mogul is like dropping in on a grommet
gellaho: Somehow
FancyShark: Ah, thank you
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
GDC: yeah, or blerquing the splozz.
gellaho: Time to get weirdly horny about ethnicities
FancyShark: oh right, her
GDC: Comet tails: known for their darkness
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Again!; boioioing
gellaho: You know, how teenagers do
FancyShark: Nathan is already a bitter alcoholic in his 30s
gellaho: You know all the high schoolers downing their romantic sorrows in booze
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: Early achiever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: To be fair he did get stabbed. That's a pretty good alcoholic origin story
GDC: If my goth girlfriend found jesus, I'd be sad too.
FancyShark: Okay, yeah, those are both good reasons
gellaho: How?
gellaho: Is she three feet tall?
FancyShark: Is that too much? Too little? How much did she weigh before?; Oh wait; She missed breakfast
GDC: You can't just drop the fact that kelly is a hobbit this late in the book
FancyShark: She's being anorexic
gellaho: Again, how
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I'm sorry, I know it's unfair of me to single her out in the middle of all this nonsense, she didn't choose to be here but.; Mrs. Cummings
FancyShark: Kathryn's going to say Kelly has an eating disorder because of stress or guilt and if she just chooses to be happy she'll be healthy
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: Oh shit she's 5'7? Does she have hollow bones?
gellaho: Although, if 5'7" is "a lot taller" then Isabel is like 4'6"
FancyShark: A towering 5'7"
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: I mean I knew/was some unhealthily skinny bitches but this is beyond that
gellaho: That's why. Because she respects you, not loves you or even likes you
FancyShark: If she's lost that much weight, Annette is so fired for not noticing one of her students is a goddamn skeleton
GDC: Kelly should stay at Paula's hospital. They can clear up mental health issues super fast
gellaho: If she weighs that little, that crash earlier should have broken her in half
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Kelly's made of rubber, it's fine
FancyShark: I'll stand by my call that she died then and this is all a hallucination caused by her dying brain
gellaho: "Hey, so you're looking a little like Skeletor"
Ramb$ne: cough
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: If she weighs that little the wind should have picked her off the ski slope and sent her on an adventure
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: Skeletor was pretty cut tho, maybe that was the confusion
gellaho: I feel like being really good at skiing would require some amount of muscle mass
gellaho: Possibly a lot of muscle mass
FancyShark: Malnutrition does explain her shitty eyesight
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GET TO THE MURDER.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: She's a fast skiier? How, when gravity barely notices her ninety pound ass?
Ramb$ne: "Did you know Kelly weighs less than you'd think?"; "UNTIL NEXT TIME!"
gellaho: Oh, good, Kathryn forgot her own character's name
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: To be fair so did I
gellaho: It's going great
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Will "Will Grant" Tanner
FancyShark: Good old William Tant
gellaho: Just such likable characters
FancyShark: Kathryn is nailing the slasher trope of "I want all these people to die"
gellaho: Wait, Troy's a bad guy?
gellaho: I couldn't tell from the way he tried to rob a cabin occupied by a guy in a wheelchair
FancyShark: Oh come on, @gellaho . The window was open slightly!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ooo, never introduce a character by saying they've been "watching the kids" for days at a time; Bad vibes, bad vibes
FancyShark: Kelly, one does not act like they hate themselves
gellaho: Kelly's only observant when it comes to cute boys she should avoid at all costs
gellaho: Kathryn, but it is easy to confuse
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Pretty like a Stepford Wife
gellaho: All her female protagonists are as stupid as she is
Ramb$ne: Angel might just be a necromancer. Check if she's got a skeleton hand
FancyShark: Angel's got some real Heaven's Gate energy going
gellaho: Run, Troy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: Well, this is unsettling. Good work Kathryn?
FancyShark: This would be less creepy if her head split open into a giant fanged maw and she bit him in half
gellaho: Why is this the only thing you can write well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Loony Tune; Can't even spell that shit right
gellaho: It's hard to look things up; Maybe that Fun Whip thing was an accident
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tbh I'm just impressed she fought off her old people syndrome long enough to not call Angel a Merrie Melody
gellaho: Definite willies
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew: You're a dumb piece of shit Troy York, and Heaven knows you need help more than any poor starving kids in Ethiopia.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: There's boiled rabbit in his future
gellaho: Because we are now getting all the perspectives, time for the crazy bitch's
FancyShark: First time I've ever thought "Oh thank god, we're switching to the murdering psycho. That was getting weird."
GDC: Don't these kids have a supervisor? Why is Annette letting them ski in the dark?
gellaho: Well, she escaped
gellaho: Which I should have expected, but Kathryn is so bad at this I believed that stupid shit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: You could tell me Annette was secretly Paula in disguise all along and at this point I would believe it; They wouldn't have a clue where to look for her. Certainly not at her killing field
GDC: Because the scene of the crime is the last place they'd look
gellaho: I'm starting to believe this is a book about the evils of caffeine
FancyShark: haha, you called it, @GDC . Honor system
gellaho: Although, this is setting up for Paula to get murdered
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Literally came back just to die
gellaho: Golly gee, a metal case
FancyShark: Didn't Kathryn pull this in the last book? Angel was made out to be a creepy obvious murderer, Paula had a fake-out disappearance?
gellaho: Golly gee, a fucking gun
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's extremely generous of you to assume Kathryn has tricks
FancyShark: Less trick, more worry that she's writing the same book again
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I don't know, Paula, probably the people who were at the trip where you fucking murdered somebody last time?!
gellaho: I think your counselor would say, "Where the hell is that psychopathic patient! Holy shit! We are so fucked!"
gellaho: I mean, in the last book the only person to die was a girl who decided to burn to death in the Florida Keys
GDC: If you hadn't run away, you could have asked him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "I know! I'll take the gun and carry it around as an escaped mental patient and convicted murderer! Nothing could go wrong!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Woooo spring break!!
FancyShark: Dr. Raymond sounds great. Like a parent trying to sleep off a late shift
gellaho: Oh, we're doing the thing where we don't identify the speaker. Great.
gellaho
gellaho: Although, if it's in their cabin; That has to be Will; He's the only new person in their group. It can't be Troy he's staying somewhere else
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: At this point I don't think this even qualifies as a murder, this is technically self defense
FancyShark: I hope it's Kelly; THERE is your fucking twist, Kathryn
Ramb$ne: Kelly is the gun; We're on anime rules now, sucker
gellaho: OK, Kathryn, so you've decided to actually make Paula good now?
gellaho: You can't do that
Ramb$ne: She still weighs less than the average glock
gellaho: She was fucking kookoo bananas at the end of that last book; You can't come back from that
FancyShark: I guess a few months eating hospital food is enough to redeem a murderer
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's a good thing mental illness is something you can just snap out of
GDC: Kathryn chooses now to reveal there's been a cowboy sitting in the corner of the room all along.
gellaho: Ah, so the preview was about Paula
gellaho: Who wants to read about what it's like for a young teen to die, again?
FancyShark: Hooray!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: At least this one deserves it, kinda
FancyShark: It's fun because she had a future!
Ramb$ne: We did it, fam
gellaho: At least this time she's not simultaneously burning and suffocating; That was rough; Well, bringing this character back was pointless
gellaho: But at least I got to feel her die; yay?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Submerging in a pool of your own existence" is an interesting way to describe voiding your bowels as you die
gellaho: I honestly don't know what Kathryn expects me to feel at this moment
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Nebulous sadness if I had to guess
GDC: That's not your existence. Paula, that's your small intestine.
FancyShark: I feel pity, but I'm not sure for whom
GDC: Us.
Ramb$ne: Scoop me, daddy
gellaho: "Sorry, honey, but you are lifting off the ground as we speak"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Mostly I feel sorry for Kathryn. Imagine never having the awareness as a creator to know your reach left unchecked will always exceed your ability.
gellaho: Lemur-round
gellaho: It's what I count on
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: Brian's spirit must feel great that his murderer was allowed friendship momentarily before being stabbed to death and his bestest best friend could only ski badly in his memory
Ramb$ne: It's how we all want to go
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tbh if you're not skiing badly in memory of me, were we even really friends
gellaho: The most insane part of this is Kelly correctly assuming Nathan is accusing the paraplegic of stabbing someone
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Frank wouldn't do that! It's not weird I brought that up unprompted!!"
FancyShark: Anyone who speaks to me gets a buff for 24 hours!
gellaho: Fuck you, fuck all of you, I hope you all die
GDC: Kelly thinks talking to people grants them immunity to edged weapons.
FancyShark: "Now that she's dead, I see we could have been friends"
gellaho: I don't know how this is dumber than the things she's done before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: You can really feel the love gellaho has for these characters
Ramb$ne: The wheelchair is the murderer
gellaho: I don't know how this is dumber than everything I've read before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: THE MURDERER IS HIDING IN THE WHEELCHAIR.; THE ALIEN RESURRECTION STRAT
gellaho: I don't know how this is dumber than John Jakes (RIP to our fallen king); No, wait, no
Ramb$ne: Troy will reveal that reluctantly a sorcerer gave him dragonards in France and then we'll be truly fucked
gellaho: She died to a paring knife?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: She did all that to herself with a paring knife, Jeff?
GDC: Paula committed seppuku
gellaho: I don't know what's stupider that somebody killed her with that, or you think she killed herself with that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Are you taking the piss, mate?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Her knife skills sucked
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: A potato peel gone horribly horribly wrong
gellaho: You know the worst thing
FancyShark: Hardcore infomercial opening
gellaho: I found this on the inside cover
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: That this was printed and sold for money?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Who amongst us hasn't mortally wounded ourselves while topping strawberries?
FancyShark: AAAAAAHAHAHAHA
GDC: To be fair I've cut myself almost this badly slicing a bagel
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: My jaw actually dropped
gellaho: She still is! She did it!
gellaho: That she got murdered does not change any of that; Fuck me
FancyShark: Kelly is somehow stupider than Bhodi Li
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I've seen Soviet dictatorships that didn't get fucking shilled as an underrated good guy this hard
FancyShark
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: This is some Naruto redemption bullshit.
gellaho: Why are you all so shaken by this
GDC: She bonded really quickly with that escaped mental patient.
gellaho: Listen, I understand somebody died. But it is a person who tried to kill a bunch of you
FancyShark: This book is straining the limits of my abilities to react. There are depths of bafflement here that I don't have protocols for
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: This isn't even your first murder, you bunch of namby pambies
gellaho: This is not a friend of yours, or an innocent bystander
FancyShark: IT WAS LESS THAN A YEAR AGO
gellaho: This is a person who has not only deeply affected your lives, but actively tried to end it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Stockholm Syndrome: The Book
FancyShark: You all should have screamed yourselves hoarse when she reappeared
gellaho: Like, forgiveness is one thing. but she had done nothing, very little time has passed; This is beyond Christ-like. It's just stupid
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It'd be one thing if she had shown up to be wrongly accused and then have to clear her name. There's at least an arc to be had there. This is just blatantly revisionist
gellaho: I like this Frank guy
gellaho
FancyShark: Finally, a sensible person
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I don't even care if Frank is somehow the killer. The fact he's the only one acting like a real human in this story makes him the hero
GDC: You might have said 'someone call the cops, there's an escaped prisoner here'.
gellaho: In comes this complete uggo of a cop
FancyShark: Sounds like Kathryn couldn't talk her way out of a speeding ticket
gellaho: I think I hate Kathryn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: How fucking dare she
gellaho: I usually don't hate these authors because really who could care. But Jesus Christ
GDC: Kathryn thinks the officer investigating the murder should wear makeup and smile more.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Kinda jumping the gun by having a cop show up at all here, isn't she
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: That's creative writing 101, first describe the character's relative fuckability.
GDC: That's not a bad description of a world weary detective that has seen some shit, but it's filtered through the lens of an insufferable main character.
gellaho: Very healthy friendships
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And several insufferable side characters
FancyShark: And an insufferable author
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: If an asteroid hit the mountain and put all these characters out of their misery I think we could call it a happy ending
gellaho: "Fuck you, she fucking stabbed me! You stupid bitch"
gellaho: And I know I'm saying bitch a lot. But I feel it's apt
GDC: Also, other people died, at Paula's hand.
gellaho: Absolutely suck my dick, Kelly
gellaho: What the fuck is wrong with you
FancyShark: Jingle some keys in Kelly's face to distract her
GDC: "I'm a kidneyless creep, thanks to Paula."
gellaho: Eating is probably a good way to stop death
FancyShark: Hardy Boys 101
LyraV: Yes I got here in time for Officer Margaret Shellhorn.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: What the goddamn fuck is happening with this book. Is there even a plot anymore? Is there a mystery we're supposed to be following?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Freeze to death, Kelly.
GDC: sad girl is hangry.
LyraV: Her ancestors added horns to various shells.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Man, it makes me miss The Westing Game.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: In a good way or a bad way
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: As in a mystery with clues the reader can follow.; As in it's definitely better than this in any case.
FancyShark: I think you beat death by cheating at Battleship
gellaho: Hey, Troy? Do me a favor and just kill Kelly
FancyShark: "Maybe because he was clutching a bloody knife."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I once read Shatter Me and saw a reviewer describe the main character as "a weeping puddle of rose petals" and it's apt here too.; Maybe it was a swooning puddle of roses
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: You cheat death by making him play Monopoly and dragging the game out so long he forfeits; Which is how every game of Monopoly goes
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Troy is the murderer, I'm calling it now.
gellaho: You know, the southern accents of Maryland
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Benoit Blanc she ain't
LyraV: Okay there is a subsection of people in Dundalk (outside of Maryland) who will argue they are southerners even when you explain what the Mason Dixon line was.
gellaho: I hope Brian's ghost kills you, Kelly
FancyShark: "All ya all done hated Paula, pilgrim," she said Cajunly
GDC: Two things. First, Paula is a fugitive from the law, that's important, officer. Second, don't talk to cops, Kelly. Lawyer up.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
LyraV: Y'know or it was just that idiot Wayne and his buddies who definitely didn't buy weed from me in my teens lol
gellaho: I don't think he was offering you, a raw egg you absolute moron
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: Big Lenny shrugs; lol, scooped
GDC
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus. She really just did that but unironically
LyraV: Or she's just grossed out by eggs in general.
gellaho: Well, might as well throw them into the mix
gellaho: Fuck those cops trying to solve this murder, I guess
FancyShark: "We're trying to find the murderer."; "Ugh. Fascist."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: His hair was standing on end all over his head. He had gone Super Saiyan.
gellaho: Meanwhile, a phone is dialed
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: ACAB? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Everybody hates a cop until they need one. Then they still hate a cop but for less immediately justifiable reasons.
gellaho: This murder has got me so hot
FancyShark: 1900CRIME was short lived
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha this was a drug mule story all along, fuck you readers, fuck you right in your stupid fucking faces
Ramb$ne: Assigned cop at birth
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I swear some people are...
FancyShark: oh shit
GDC: "how the fuck should I know how long the cops are going to take investigating a murder?"
FancyShark: The killer is McGruff the Crime Dog; He took a bite out of crime and he wants more
gellaho: This is a great thing to introduce 80 pages in
gellaho: 1-900-HOT-CRIME
FancyShark: Thanks, Kathryn. Now we know it's Will
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It could still be anybody! Even Will!
gellaho: Reminder that these books are supposed to be for younger audiences
FancyShark: Guided Reading - 7th grade
gellaho: It's also now been raining; On the ski slopes; Not snowing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Global warming, amirite
FancyShark: Okay, to be fair, there are ski resorts that manufacture snow in the warmer months; I have no idea what chemicals are involved
Ramb$ne: The weird part is they're in abu dabi; It's indoors
gellaho: That would make sense if she didn't specifically mention anything about unusual cold at the beginning of the book; Which she definitely didn't do
FancyShark: lol
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Perfect
gellaho
LyraV: Then he's not a very Good pothead is he?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: No notes
FancyShark: hahahaha; Kathryn, you're so bad at this
GDC: Talking about Baltimore like it's the exotic orient.
gellaho: Get excited
LyraV: Its a very distinct place I'll give them that.
gellaho: Her geography is great
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: To the Bat-Lodge!!
gellaho: What with the vast caverns and cliffs in Key West; On pins and needles
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ugh, some boy, amirite ladies
FancyShark: Dammit, Kathryn, you can't cheat like that! Kelly recognizes all of these idiots immediately. You're being deliberately obscure
gellaho: Kelly calling up Paula's parents. Get this great paragraph
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Did Annette fall down the same sinkhole Mr. Porter died in? Where the fuck has she been during all of this madness
FancyShark: Well, good news, Schultzes! You're still not getting sued!
gellaho: I'm pretty sure they keep record of every purchase, you dolt
LyraV: Hey and believe that someone approached her at the bus stop to see if she'd like to buy a definitely not stolen lawn mower or case of cds.; Both of those happened irl ha!
FancyShark: Still no red flags that Paula showed up alone to apologize to her boyfriend she murdered
LyraV: I mean come on Shark this all feels perfectly reasonable.
GDC: She had a student ID from the mental hospital?
gellaho: On the way back from the phone (which is half a mile away through the forest for some reason). Kelly starts to run that whole distance, despite the fact that she weighs 90 lbs and hasn't eaten
gellaho: Also, Angel started talking about guardian angels or something
FancyShark: Since we already know it wasn't Angel that killed Paula, there's literally no menace to her
gellaho: You gotta get your Crazy Discount at the movie theater
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's her whole personality now, what else is she gonna do
FancyShark: Why couldn't Angel have gotten way into glass blowing or metallurgy? Why's it gotta be angels?
gellaho: Hey, it's Troy who would have guessed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: You know, how bears do
FancyShark: GEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNT!; Wait, sorry
GDC: A bear, or maybe someone interested in stabbing teen girls. Don't know why I brought up that second one.
gellaho: Why is she in this book
FancyShark: Troy, she wasn't your friend
gellaho: Like, Isabel and Nathan are barely present. Chris is a complete afterthought; Which is a great way to treat your only black character, congrats
FancyShark: Does Kathryn think she's setting up her own Boxcar Children series?
GDC: Angel found some really amazing mushrooms in the forest.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I would prefer "afterthought" to "anger issues and illicit drug problem" like last time
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The Boxcutter Dumbfucks
gellaho: But gotta keep this gold
LyraV: Kelly reads minds now too.
GDC: 8 ounces in a cup isn't a scientifically proven fact, that's just a convention.; We just made that up.
gellaho: Uh
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: KATHRYN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT
LyraV: Sorry Kathryn got a little off topic but she's back now she's got this. No more distractions
gellaho: Why is this happening
FancyShark: This is about as sexually appealing as unwrapping a Slim Jim
LyraV: Ew
gellaho: So super hot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: hahaha sexy whimsy A WOMAN IS DEAD.
gellaho: GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: HER BODY ISN'T EVEN COLD YET.; WE HAVEN'T EVEN WASHED OFF THE PARING KNIFE AND IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME.
FancyShark: It should be soon! It's cold or possibly not cold outside!
LyraV: What kind of thing is that to say to someone who isn't a child Troy it came across really creepy.
gellaho: Makes me miss my precious Boys
FancyShark: ew; mushrooms
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Be honest, Kathy. Publisher gave you a word count to hit, didn't they.
gellaho: I'm better with this than their complete forgiveness and sadness for the psychopathic killers
FancyShark: This callousness is more familiar
GDC: Aren't there cops around investigating the murder? Aren't they on a school trip?; Have their parents been called?
gellaho: Listen, Kathryn, if you want me to care about Kathryn's body issues I need to first care about her
FancyShark: The parents signed a waiver. School's not liable this time.
gellaho: And I don't
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Is it even a Freudian slip if Kelly is this blatant of a self insert
gellaho: Yeah, that was stuff I absolutely skipped
FancyShark: Also, eating disorders tend to not manifest as "I'm just not hungry". That's the excuse someone uses when they're not eating, but it's more of a revulsion at food and the thought of gaining any weight
gellaho: The parent's know, there was stuff with the cops
GDC: "hey so, we took the kids to the same place where another student was murdered last year, and the murderer escaped from an institution and got stabbed to death. Come get your kid"; "and sign this release"
FancyShark: If Kelly is starving herself, she is going to be in severe pain. The body doesn't go quietly without food; I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING, KATHRYN
gellaho: It's a big country, try more
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: She's not the only one in severe pain
gellaho: There are like 330 million people here, Kathryn come on
FancyShark: Literally hundreds
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tens of tens, even
GDC: As many as four tens.; And that's terrible.
gellaho: Sounds like it's time for Kelly to learn how to shave
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's called anxiety, Kelly, and if you don't lawyer up it'll be presented as evidence in court
FancyShark: Please feel sudden guilt over how badly you handled Brian's memorial
gellaho: Rock solid case
FancyShark: Excellent skier? SHE FORGOT SHE WAS SKIING ON A DEATH SLOPE
gellaho: Evidence is hard
gellaho: Or they're just taking her to get interviewed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: This theory is immediately undone by just interviewing another person.
gellaho: It's unnecessarily vague
FancyShark: That doesn't sound like Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Like. Troy explicitly talked to her at the end of this slope. He can corroborate her story.; This is just entrapment anxiety for the sake of a cheap thrill
gellaho: Oh, OK, so just an interview. But everyone is an idiot
GDC: These feels like a cautionary tale about exercising your right to remain silent.
gellaho: Death Row with caps
GDC: That's not what a warrant is.
gellaho: Like the record company
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Frank, again, the only person here acting like a real person
gellaho: Oh, wow, everybody looking to get arrested
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Fucking Christ, this is how people get shot.
FancyShark: Kelly will be fine. Five minutes talking to her and they'll never be able to convince a judge she's fit to stand trial
gellaho: "How dare you interview this girl with a motive!"
GDC: The cops reaction:
gellaho: Lipstick, you dweeb; And what the fuck is a lift pass
FancyShark: Bus pass?
LyraV: Her pass to use the fancy elevator.
GDC: Yeah, it lets her on the ski lift
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: This author is British or some flavor of European. No one on this hemisphere uses "lift passes" on the bus line
gellaho: No?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh right. The ski lift.; Gonna be real I forgot this book was about skiing for a bit.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I thought you were all playing dumb
GDC: Understandable
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I was like, "Don't take the bait, Mordred."
gellaho: I live in Florida, you think I understand skiing lingo
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: No, genuinely, I forgot this book's premise almost as hard as its author did
FancyShark: Same
gellaho: This fake note makes some good points
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I didn't think a ski lift was such regional knowledge. 😛
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha this will never hold up in court; Handwriting analysis alone is going to prove this is a fake pretty much instantly
gellaho: I thought you just walked onto the ski lift. I've never seen a booth where they check a pass
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: People pin them to their ski jacket
FancyShark: They can prove Kelly didn't write that because she doesn't understand cause and effect
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: It's like having a wrist band in an amusement park or some such.; Or a tag on your luggage
gellaho: Sounds like something that wouldn't be in a fanny pack then
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I had classmates who never took them off their jacket.; Yeah probably not
gellaho: Or where she's keeping a fanny pack with all her layers
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Like they'd be at school with it on there.
gellaho: Whatever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Did they just wear all the ones they had collected til they covered every inch of their coats like North Korean generals wear their medals
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Moving on!
gellaho: You suck, Kathryn
GDC: Yeah when I was in university rich people came back from winter break with their lift passes on their coat to show off where they'd gone
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: A few of them I thought were bragging, the way they did it.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Yeah like how people will cover their luggage with stickers of places they've been.
gellaho: You know how Maryland people talk like Louisiana sheriffs
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Where is this author from?
gellaho: I don't know, it's very difficult to Google Kathryn Johnson
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "Anything south of New York is 'the south' right?"
GDC: Somewhere they don't know about lawyers
FancyShark: Foghorn Shellborn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Slow your roll, Detective Gumshoe
gellaho: This is her personal website, but not a lot of person information https://kathrynjohnsonllc.com/
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I'll say this, it is very true to life the way the police have latched onto the easiest explanation for the crime to the point of refusing to investigate any further
FancyShark: oh hell, I forgot she teaches
gellaho: To be fair, it's really the only explanation that makes sense
GDC: Honestly after writing this not disclosing her location is smart.
gellaho: Whatever bullshit Kathryn's about to spew will make zero sense
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Oh, I can hire her to doctor my book 😝; I'm sure her prices are super reasonable.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Nothing better than a beta read from a beta who doesn't know how to read
gellaho: The fleecy knees of her sweatpants
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: How the fuck can she bend that far; Oh right. Eating disorder. She's basically just a skeleton now
FancyShark: She's sitting down, too; @gellaho , how far are we through the book?
gellaho: That's not what bumped off means
GDC: Kelly is so lucky she's white.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus, dirt road. This is a children's book allegedly. Keep it in your pants.
FancyShark: Cops always ride in the back with suspected murderers
gellaho: Not far enough
LyraV: I'd get a grip on the inner wailing before you hit the station Kelly or at least try.
gellaho: What do you think police officers are
FancyShark: Oh my god, pleasepleaseplease tell me they're setting her up to sniff out the real killer; I'd sooner trust Michael J. Fox to disarm a bomb
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's way too late to be calling for a lawyer, Kell
gellaho: Kathryn, do you think tan eyes are a normal thing?
GDC: Listen kid, we'd like to use you as what we cops call 'bait'.
gellaho: That's not a color irises are
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh my god she's doing the "you should smile more" bit; again
gellaho: I think she confused skin for eyes; That's the only explanation for that
LyraV: Dang I liked Shellhorn better than Shellborn.
FancyShark: A common mistake
GDC: I want to read this story from Shellborn's perspective.
LyraV: This means what, her ancestors pretended to birth snails?
GDC: these fucking kids
FancyShark: "Jesus Fucking Christ, these fucking idiots"
LyraV: I feel like thats a really insulting thing to imply so I take it back.
gellaho: Stop spelling chaperone that way
FancyShark: Chaperon! Use Tail Whip!
gellaho: Fuck your dialect, you piece of shit
GDC: It's really unfair to snails.
gellaho: I award you one Komar of Excellence
FancyShark: :sharkhug:; Thank you, brother
gellaho: The fuck is happening with these people's faces
gellaho: Do you wrinkle a nose?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Oh this officer is more fuckable
FancyShark: I have heard that expression before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Yeah, nose wrinkling passes the smell test. It's a turn of phrase
GDC: If you don't iron it, sure.
FancyShark: Like when you scrunch up your face, you can get a wrinkle or two on the bridge of the nose
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Chaperon is the masculine, chaperone feminine 😝
gellaho: How about straightening out a lip
gellaho: Well, the chaperone is a lady so
FancyShark: That's bullshit
gellaho: In any event
GDC: Lip straightening therapy is banned in most states.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: This is like Richard K. Morgan and the wrong "discrete"
FancyShark: Barbers used to do it before surgeons were a thing
gellaho: I mean, the ghostwriters on Hardy boys use "blond" regardless of circumstance; It's weird
GDC: Same with appendectomies, but with a lower success rate.
gellaho: How's about you tell me the plot, asshole
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Blond is the masculine form of blonde though, isn't it?
gellaho: Yeah, they use it for girls too
FancyShark: It's weird
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh well that's just right out.
gellaho: And capitalize Dumpster. It's the only brand name they recognize
GDC: Is it the investigation about her escaping from a mental institution?
FancyShark: Are they going to ignore a murder to stop a drug deal?
gellaho: It was a paring knife! It was not a deep wound!
gellaho: Suck my balls
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: This is a whole new level of terrible.; Like, just wow.; It's not even that the plot is so juvenile, it's that they're trying to play it so fucking seriously.
gellaho: A couple?
gellaho: A couple of perp walks?; What do you think a perp walk is?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: WHY NOT JUST STAY AND CATCH THE ACTUAL KILLER
FancyShark: I'm furious I can't find the gif of Kiryu kneeing a pocket knife into a goon's gut
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: This is almost literally entrapment; Like, they are fucking framing her for no actual gain
LyraV: GIF
gellaho: This police officer has only ever seen cops on TV, haven't they
gellaho: Also, why would even that need to be done more than once
LyraV: Kelly no one cares about your dad.
FancyShark: It's like dragging a string across the floor to get a cat to play. Sometimes it takes more than one pass.
gellaho: "On restriction?" Did Kathryn grow up on Mars?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Your dad is going to sue the police department and if qualified immunity isn't a factor it'll be a guaranteed slam dunk
gellaho: Grounded. We call that grounded on planet Earth
FancyShark: Her dad is so strict he had no issue with her leaving the house for weeks or months to return to the place where she was nearly murdered; That fucking Stalin
gellaho: Or appearing in either of these books; Fuck off, Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: THERE'S NOT EVEN SEVEN PEOPLE AT THIS CABIN
gellaho: I have such bad luck with these female authors
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: YOU DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR THEM TO GET SLOPPY
gellaho: I though, "hey, I should spread it around get a female perspective"; And it's worse; Every time
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo: GIF
FancyShark: Peter David has had some really shitty moments, though
GDC: Kathryn wrote Shellborn's dialogue after watching a Rogue heavy episode of the 90s X-Men series.
gellaho: Well, yes. Obviously none of these people are blameless
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And that's where we come in!
LyraV: That is exactly who I keep hearing in my head, it doesn't help that it's on in the background
FancyShark: I'll say this: Kathryn's writing is idiotic, but it's not impenetrable like the French books
gellaho: So, anyway, think about this teenager using a public toilet
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Well yeah, that's a whole nother language
gellaho: (also the rapiest. Also a woman); It was a wild world out there; I don't like this
FancyShark: Kelly displaying 1000 times more sensibility about where to shit than about how to handle Paula
gellaho: You keep describing this lady cop as a little girl, and that's weirding me out
LyraV: Thank you I was thinking it too!!!; Also maybe don't trust any cop this much ever.
gellaho: Well, Kathryn's forgotten another character's last name
FancyShark: And since we've been told the plan in detail, there's no way it can go wrong
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I really don't like that this cop has taken this vulnerable teenager to a secondary location to put her completely in her power
gellaho: Frank Riley, Kathryn; Get it together; Or, no, that's Kelly's dad's name
gellaho: Jesus Christ, Kathryn; Give them different first names
GDC: All these characters are based on mean girls that tormented Kathryn in highschool and she wasn't thorough replacing the names with fake ones
FancyShark: Angel was Kathryn's craaaaaaaazy gal pal who had real problems
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I feel like we've hit the point in a really bad wrestling show where fans start chanting "C M Punk" just for the sake of having something else to do.
gellaho: Stop calling the grown woman a child, Kathryn
LyraV: If he puts her in bunny slippers I'm out.
FancyShark: For the sake of sanity, I'm now imagining the cop played by a child
LyraV: So she's Wendy from Wendy's?
gellaho: Good news Kathryn's dad: your daughter is a moron, she's not going to college
gellaho: Also, she took the SATs a year ago; So I think she should probably be out of high school; But I guess Kathryn doesn't know that?
FancyShark: If she's not already applying to colleges, those scores aren't going to mean shit soon
gellaho: Could you have phrased that any other way
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I'm kind of lost. Can we discuss the cops' convoluted fake arrest plan for the sixth time just so it really sinks in?
gellaho: Getting arrested is just like a school play
FancyShark: They're going to pretend Kelly is the murderer so the real murderer will be clumsy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ohhhh yeahhhhh, that's the one
gellaho: We have fun, don't we?
FancyShark: At least this answers why her parents let her do any of this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus god, this is way too much story for this plot.
gellaho: Took prison to get her to eat
FancyShark: Shellborn thought, 'Don't tell her about the trans fats. Don't tell her about the trans fats.'
GDC: Shellborn warning the clearly emaciated girl about getting fat.
FancyShark: I'm hoping she was coaxing her into eating something and not shaming her; I know that's probably not the case, but still
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I don't like how this cop has placed this teenager under lock and key and taken a sudden interest in her physical appearance.
gellaho: Hey, guess what?
LyraV: I dont like ANY OF THIS
gellaho: Plan didn't work
FancyShark: 🤣
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY
FancyShark: BUT THEY WERE SO CAREFUL
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: SO DID EVERYONE JUST STAY AT THE CABIN FOR HOWEVER MANY WEEKS THIS MUMMER'S FARCE TOOK?
gellaho: So, that is where we will end this week.
FancyShark: AND SINCE WHEN IS ISABEL HER BEST FRIEND
Ramb$ne: since paula died, silly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus Christ. Holy fuck.; I just. God. Fuck, man. Argh.
FancyShark: We did it! Partly!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Good caging, gang.
gellaho: There are only like 60 pages left, so next week we'll finish this up and I'll probably introduce you to some of the very, very shitty Hardy Boys comics I have
FancyShark: Fuck yeah; Thank you, @gellaho !; Great riffing, everyone!
LyraV: Oh hell yeah more hardy comics; Thanks @gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: This one really needed to get caged, holy shit.; Thanks @gellaho
gellaho: Until then, The Book Cage resumes next week
gellaho: May all of your attempted murderers be murdered
GDC: Thanks everyone, this is difficult work and I appreciate your efforts.
LyraV: Also thanks for the reminder @FancyShark I appreciate it
FancyShark: You too!
gellaho: That cover, for what it's worth, is not at all representative of this book
FancyShark: You're welcome! We didn't want to have you miss out!
GDC: If anyone deserves book jail, it's Kathryn.; Now let's get back to talking about how wrong Javo is about Brandon Sanderson.
FancyShark: lol; On that note, have a good night, everybody
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Yeah, how you gonna be mad at Sanderson when Kathryn is right there
gellaho: The Book Cage - Episode 92.5: - Crash Landing Part II; This, the sequel to Nicole Davison/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson's Crash Course, is the single dumbest book I've ever read. That is all. Join us for the last 60 pages, Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: God it's going to feel so good to put this dross in the deep freeze; I know we just introduced Return of the Living Dead rules for Nathfields but honestly it might be better if we just burn this shit and be done with it forever
gellaho: Coming up in little over an hour, it's the conclusion to Crash Landing. Reminder that we left off with the main character getting fake arrested for a plan that amounted to absolutely nothing.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ah yes. The stupid. I forgot how much it stung
FancyShark: "Well, look who decided to finally come home from prison. Dinner's cold."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: They would have stayed at this cabin for like a month if this plot unfolds the way we're being told it's happening
GDC: I'm starting an hour long commute home now. I'll be driving as recklessly as possible to participate.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Still making better life decisions than Kelly
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I'm home in time for Book Cage!; I'll probably have to make dinner whenever the boys get hungry but right now my kiddo just wants to cuddle on the couch and watch TV; Check out the new tattoo progress in general 😋
gellaho: Time to resume the process
FancyShark: Once more into the breach
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hell yeah.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Let's see if Nicole Kathryn learned how to dig up!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Time to see what this teen dingus gets worked up over now.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Ugh my kid wants to call his cousin on my phone 🥲 have fun
gellaho: Kelly quietly swallows her own vomit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Off to a rollicking start.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This is why we have the official Book Cage Brand Child Kennels.
FancyShark: Kelly doesn't even thank the cops for the complimentary haggis gum
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly is truly an everygirl, eye contact and social awkwardness makes her vomit.; Or shes part seagull.
gellaho: Frank having a real one out here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: So have they been briefed that her arrest was a ruse de cop yet, or
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Uh......Frank? Maybe you should go to couples therapy later, theres probably a muderer on the loose or something.
FancyShark: Frank, how can you think we hate those in wheelchairs? They get great parking!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And sweet vans!
gellaho: She's supposed to keep it a secret
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: All arrests are false.........maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
gellaho: It seems like now even Nathan has forgotten his stabbing from the previous book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: "Also, yes. They would appreciate that."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: lol Nathan is gunning for a streak bonus.
gellaho: Weird thing to perk up about
FancyShark: "Ooo! I'm uninvolved!"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Will that is an awful sudden and specific denial.; Just saying.
Brendan: I have no idea what's going on.
FancyShark: Then you're caught up!
Brendan: Ignore me while I mostly tag timestamps in Thor and pray for this new gig to come through.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also narratively speaking, Will, you should watch the fuck out. As a new character you are at high risk of getting got.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Like, we've already established it physically couldn't be anyone but will at this point, right? All this is just excessive foreplay?
gellaho: Chris has forgotten his own mood swings caused by drugs from the last book
FancyShark: Here's what you missed: The psycho girl from the last book escaped the mental hospital and came back only to be immediately forgiven and murdered
Brendan: Oh, she was hot.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You have to get the reader good and lubed up before you slip inside their brain holes for the climax.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Escaped", a word which here means "left while everyone else was asleep"
Ramb$ne: forgiven is a strong word
gellaho: Hey, teacher? Maybe have a little more to say when one of your underaged students says they "need a drink"
FancyShark: Everyone is mourning her like a treasured friend!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Chris also doesnt know that handwriting analysis is junk science used by a lazy law enforcement system. Maaaaaaaan.
Ramb$ne: but these stories are running together. are you sure she didn't get so angry she transformed into an amazon and stepped on fat hitler?
gellaho: Yes, possibly "fell in love with" is the correct phrase
FancyShark: That would have been more coherent
FancyShark: Kathryn momentarily forgot they're not college kids
gellaho: I think everyone's first clue was that she was stabbed to death with a paring knife
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Imagine if she turned into an Amazoness and stepped on fat Hitler.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Fucking paring knife kill, goddamn it; I forgot
gellaho: There are about 500 ways that would not be suicide
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man it is so hard to kill someone with a paring knife.; Like I'd believe someone did it on accident before it was someones murder weapon of choice.
gellaho: Do a lot of people commit suicide via stabbing, anyway?
FancyShark: Samurai?
gellaho: Much less the world's smallest knife
FancyShark: Why not make it safety scissors at this point?
gellaho: Ski patrol getting sideswiped
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: So his handwriting turned to shit when he was under the effect of heavy doses of drugs?; No fucking way!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fun how the police believe the killer is still around but arent like.......getting these dipshits away from the area to protect them or anything.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Ski patrol", what is this, fucking Norway
FancyShark: Would you? They're all pretty horrible
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Ski Patrol is the worst sentai team ever.
gellaho: They did try using one as bait
FancyShark: Yeah. This is more like bored children trying to make bugs fight
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: SKI POLIIIICE; (Where is the killer now?); SKI POLIIIIICE; (Better frame another teeeeen)
gellaho: Robo-Jeff initialize
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Using the "Once you pop, you are unable to stop" theory of murder detection.
gellaho: "I never thought anything about you, human female."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "I never thought anything bad about you. Not even when you ripped ass so bad in the dorm that the stank lingered for months. Everyone else hated you for it but I didn't."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jeff was too busy doing something whitebread and boring like organizing his ties.
FancyShark: "I certainly never thought about you stepping on me."; "I kno- wait, what"
gellaho: Kelly, do you know what a hose is?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: HAhahaha Kelly. The cops would use a sock with a bar of soap in it.; Or oranges.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: I've heard that term before. Did some torturers actually do that?; Actually, no, don't answer that
LyraV: Oh I forgot what it was part two of for just a small moment. Then I remembered Kelly.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I literally went and downloaded Discord on my Chromebook
gellaho: "I guess"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Too late. Yes, its like a whip, especially if you have a nozzle on one end. Its not the best but if you have to improvise you beat people with what you can.
FancyShark: Dammit, Sausage!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It's certainly no chair with a cut out bottom and a knotted rope.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: So do you hit them with the nozzle end or is that like the whip handle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Dealers choice, if you want to fuck em up then hit them with the nozzle end.; THe other end wont bruise as badly.; Or possibly at all, depending on your hose.
gellaho: "Why are you scared about the murderer?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: My god. Even for teenagers, even for a Kathryn book, they're all so fucking stupid.
FancyShark: Will is not good at avoiding suspicion
Ramb$ne: Fire's flames
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kid.......did you not think that maybe the person stabbing people is doing it for reasons that ARENT good?
Ramb$ne: GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: We don't know why they killed Paula, they could kill the rest of yas
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Like good job extending the benefit of the doubt to a stabbist but also fuck you?
gellaho: Question marks
gellaho: Also, I guess the police lady said something about a secret protector? Must have missed that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: God it'd be so funny if they assigned Will the role of secret protector.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly...........you are such a stupid person. Are you..........do you think.........fuck you Kelly.
FancyShark: Kelly, Will sells beer and pot. It does not take a special breed of person to get invited to high school parties
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I hope Will stabs Kelly to steal her socks.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Those earnest blue eyes, tho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Oh he's really popular, he must secretly be a teen cop."
FancyShark: Also, there is nothing wrong with trying to be everyone's friend, Kathryn
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck you Kelly, thats a rejected Jackie Chan script.; Or a movie Mark Walhberg made, I dont know.
FancyShark: Maybe Will just wants everyone to be happy!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It would explain the rubber hose thing
gellaho: Found it. Hmmm, needlessly vague
FancyShark: I hope it's Frank
LyraV: Good thing they clarified or I might have been confused about whose flames those were.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I love how Kelly doesnt think its like.......one of the two adults that cop is talking about.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: She's going to trust Will thinking he's the secret protector when really he's the killer!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Like one of the two adults who are already responsible for her safety.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Awful convenient that the cops deeded a plainclothes into this teen getaway just in case a murder mystery broke out
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: She can't fuck one of them
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Like, Frank could have just been a retired cop this whole time and we could have avoided this whole fake arrest interlude
LyraV: Although I do admit I like calling people creeps. It's very satisfying.
gellaho: Please let me go out alone in the woods with a murder near where my friend died! It's the most relaxing thing!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Manmade white stuff in TRAILS?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ski, ski, skiiiiii!!!!!!!!!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: My mind immediately said "Hey we dont know Frank's dick doesnt work." and then "Ohhhhh Mordred meant not SUPPOSED to."
FancyShark: You can all relate, right, audience? Just ski your problems away?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: That worked out AMAZING last time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The minute they're all out on the trail Gwyneth Paltrow bowls Kelly over and breaks her ribs
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "Just put some Goop on it"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And Kelly has to give her a dollar.
FancyShark: I stand by my previous claim that Kelly smashed her head open on the slopes and this is all a dying hallucination
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Here, take one of my pussy scented candles."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Man, if only
gellaho: "Just like the first time on Brian's grave!"
gellaho: And Kelly? Keep your pants on
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Reach around to kiss her on the lips? Is this like that "wash the your boobs on your back" thing?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You'll need your pants to flee from Murder Jeff.
FancyShark: "So nice and so great-looking."; I've read hotter prose on the back of laundry detergent.
LyraV: Nice AND good looking what more ha scooooped
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: A sad day when someone manages to sail under the bar set by "Your tits are stupendous"
gellaho: Vroom vroom
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: It wasn't someone's earnest eyes, was it?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Holy shit it's Gwyneth!; Ski, Kelly! Ski for your life!!
FancyShark: That's just James Bond
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: SnowmoMURDER!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Squirt out your jade yoni egg first, it'll only slow you down
gellaho: A ski mask!? On the slopes!? How unusual
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Pasty dry?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: For a second I thought Gellaho had been hit by a snowmobile.
FancyShark: Pasties shouldn't be dry. You might be overcooking them.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Just like us after that romance dialogue
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Zing
FancyShark: She skied left and up
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Sweet ski jump, if only you could have avoided this situation KELLY.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: In Florida?; The perfect crime
gellaho: A very difficult task in Florida
FancyShark: holy shit, a rare gellaho scoop
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Except to conclusions
FancyShark: BOOM
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Way to preserve tension, Kathryn
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly has never played Super Mario Bros.
FancyShark: "Kelly had only heard about hopping in songs and stories"
gellaho: I don't know, that kinda sounds like jumping to me
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: DO A THREE SIXTY YOU SILLY LITTLE MOO!
gellaho: Are you crazy? Jumping is only real in fairy tales!
FancyShark: Don't tease us with skywhales, Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The wind, a thing without form or mass, swallowed her like a huge whale, in one gulp
gellaho: At least it's not spacewhales
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Skywhales, the hippo of the sky.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: They'd like to come and meet us but but they think they'd blow our minds
gellaho: Seems like she's pretty fucking proficient, Kathryn
FancyShark: #humblebrag
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Aaaalmost did a Sonny Bono
gellaho: Kelly not realizing that was attempted murder
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly might be too dumb to be killed.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "You were supposed to grind me under your motor, you MORON!"
gellaho: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE HEADBAND!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: NOOOO FRANK KNITTED THAT FOR HER BIRTHDAY!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Her ears are going to be so pink
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: She wore it while Chad from Denver was railing her on the ski lift!; THE MEMORIES!
gellaho: Everyone is such a moron
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: After one of our friends was murdered, there's no way it'll happen twice.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jeff would say that because he has eyes and is not stupid, ANNETTE!
LyraV: It could have been GHOSTS
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It could have been the Devil.
FancyShark: This book is the literary version of those puppet shows where the kids keep screaming "He's right behind you!" at the puppet and getting worked up that the puppet thinks they're lying
gellaho: Their friend and murderer; Anyway, time to eat
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: C o n s u m e
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Annette is the killer, I change my guess
gellaho: Kelly hasn't eaten in so long, she's forgotten how often people eat
LyraV: Not like hourglass sand, that was a different kind of dry.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Their Friend and Murderer, at 5-6 Central on Lifetime.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: It was pasty and dry, like the high tide sand at low tide
FancyShark: It's vital to the story we know the cup is paper
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: But does it have the Jazz stripes?!?!
LyraV: I feel like this book is turning my brain into high sand at even tide.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: You gotta really embroider those details; get that word count in
gellaho: Kathryn, you exhaust me
FancyShark: Any time I read "paper cup" , I imagine those tiny paper cone cups for water coolers
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Jeremy, my sweet summer child
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh man. Jeremy's going to confess that to the wrong girl and get murdered as a joke.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha Jeremy, tell me you dont have sisters without saying you dont have sisters.
gellaho: "That fake arrest really fixed me up, you know"
FancyShark: "Seeing the ugly woman made Kelly not care about her appearance anymore"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly only really feels alive when other people are dying, it seems.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Jesus, Kelly, let your guard down and there you go stuffing your piggy face
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I get it Kelly. Diets are hard. Hang in there
gellaho: THE TINGLES MEAN I MUST HAVE SODA
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: It'll turn out to be drugged
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh fuck, low blood sugar!; The real cabin murderer!
FancyShark: "You might think that the iocane powder is in this one!" she says, draining both cups and dying.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: Troy might want to get that checked out
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: his eyebrows thickened?; lycanthropy
FancyShark: His eyebrows are sentient and prehensile
gellaho: Case closed?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: oh shit hes like the old man from Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "I just found out an unprovable rumor 😭 "
FancyShark: "And we could check with the rental office, but let's execute him first"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: You mean one of these guys you just met breaking into your cabin is a little sus?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: VOTE TROY I SAW HIM VENT
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly, you definitely arent smart enough to make these leaps, just sit and wait and youll figure out who the murderer is without having to think about anything.
gellaho: Understandable she's having such a hard time
gellaho: The number for the police is so hard to remember
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Three times a ladyyyy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The phone booth was much larger on the inside than she remembered.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It took you being told that snowmobile was a murder attempt to figure it out, Kelly. Until today you thought homicide was a kind of bug spray.
gellaho: This can only end stupidly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I hate when I panic trying to dial 911 and that Motorhead song gets stuck in my brain and I dial 999 instead.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Now be fair, it also started and continued stupidly, but anything can happen!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I thought it said he groaned
FancyShark: "I wanted to hear Message in a Bottle. That's not weird!"
gellaho: Hey, I was right
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Troy, you arent doing yourself any favors in the "Im not suspicious" department.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I don't believe him
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: ALSO NO YOU FUCKING ARE NOT A COP TROY!
gellaho: Rather than just, you know, saying the thing Troy decided to be as threatening and mysterious as possible for no reason
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: But he knows danger! She can tell by his expression!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck you Kathryn if this isnt a bald faced lie.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The undercover cop doing warrantless B&E and drug deals is the most realistic plot beat this book has to offer
FancyShark: Kelly's getting a special page in the yearbook, isn't she
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Last Student Standing"
gellaho: Kathryn, are you trying to make Kelly look as stupid as possible now?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Trying"?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: She tried to cross her arms over her chest but her knockers were just too big
gellaho: "She also tried doing a handstand, but it wasn't possible in the phone booth"
LyraV: pfff hahahaha this slew me
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: Kathryn, why are you trying to make this sexy
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Making what hard...?; 🙂; I mean 😉; (I'm so not used to a computer keyboard on here, my emoji game is weakened)
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kathryn was really proud of this idea, and setting it up beforehand. You can tell nobody told her "No, Katheryn, thats fucking stupid."
gellaho: "Why are you being so obtuse, you weirdo"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or "Kathryn, we told you, we couldnt get the Hardy Boys publisher to sign off on the crossover, you have to write it out."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "Someone I've hired to pretend to be the real police"
gellaho: This is so weird
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Crack the door maybe?
FancyShark: Phone booths are notoriously airtight
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Real police arrive and, "It seems these two were making out in the phone booth and ran out of air"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: So Kathryn writing this as having sexual tension is a real issue.
gellaho: Kelly chooses this moment to be extremely suspicious
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Did the phone booth swallow her up like a whale?
gellaho: Not, you know, when her attempted murderer showed up
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: This is really fucking roundabout, Troy.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly just nod your fucking head and say "Okay, you're a cop." so this fucking scene can END.
gellaho: Or when this same person was caught in their lodge; And if Troy's a cop, who the fuck is Jeremy
FancyShark: Nice work not reporting the escaped mental patient, Troy
gellaho: He just make friends with a nerd for fun?
FancyShark: Every cop is issued one dweeb for cover
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I refuse to believe that a cop faking being a teen is also a popular kid at school.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: fellow kids
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck you Kathryn, that is just not possible.
gellaho: Just haphazardly throwing in those "in'"s wherever
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: (I was trying to type the gif search, I feel like a grandma on this thing)
FancyShark: GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Thanks @FancyShark
gellaho: Will is the popular one at their school, Troy is from a different school
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: These kids all blend together; just a seething mass of horny stupid
gellaho: So, yeah, just made friends with a nerd for fun
FancyShark: Accurate teens then
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Oh hey you guys were right
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!
gellaho: I don't think Jeremy is going to get you a lot of leads on your drug case
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: he's his nerd beard
FancyShark: "Pardon me, fellow teen. You seem like a narc. Would you be friends with me?"
gellaho: Unless you are worried about illegal inhalers
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha it makes sense tho that Jeremy would be friends with the fucking cop.
LyraV: At this point he just wanted a chance to try again at high school.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: How the fuck has she still not executed on a plot point
FancyShark: It's almost a talent
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Like, monkeys at a typewriter could do better
gellaho: Or, alternatively, Jeremy randomly knows everything about everyone
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: This book, if I went on Story Graph to rate it, I'd get to the "is the book character or plot driven" I'd look at "it's complicated" and still not know what to pick.
FancyShark: "He's got every house bugged"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: There's no way Jeremy knows who does drugs.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Oh yeah, speaking as a total school square I for sure knew all that shit.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "No"
gellaho: "We'll let them keep selling crack in school until we find the big fish"
LyraV: To be fair I never tried to hide it lol
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nobody talks to Jeremy enough for him to know anything except that that one guy on the football team peed on his Dungeon Masters Guide.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: We have to hunt down their supplier; All the way to Pablo Escobar
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Then we'll bust in on their operation and I'll shout 'Your crack is wack, Jack!' I got it all figured out in my head"
FancyShark: High school kids are too loyal and tough to crack under pressure
gellaho: Skiers are famous crack smokers
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Ahhhh good old 90s storytelling, when we were ignoring the CIA was enabling crack dealers.
gellaho: maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I bet it's the one with the red eyes
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Maaaaaaaan (I forgot.); It's probably Frank.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Oh twist
FancyShark: "I knew he broke his legs to look younger!"
gellaho: "Aren't you guys supposed to be his friend?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I would say something about pain meds but this was written too early
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I mean when a dude is irritable all the time and spontaneously works out, I assume he's doing crack or something.
FancyShark: hahaha, holy shit, Kathryn. Why don't you give Nathan a heroin needle too?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Jim Beam miniatures makes it sound like little action figures.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He broke his spine and hollowed out his legs to fit more smuggled crack!!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: And people laugh at us New Englanders for calling them nips
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also nobody is getting all that fucked up from a couple tiny bottles of Jim Beam, you fuckin narc.
gellaho: The sound-impenetrable glass of phone booths
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Okay, I gotta go make dinner as my kid is literally prying my hands off the keyboard. Can't wait to find out who the murderer is!; "But you're poking me"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah nobody can see this obvious adult man grinding on the teen girl in a phone booth and misunderstand.
FancyShark: These idiots believed he was a teenager. They're not batting an eye at some phone booth grinding
gellaho: "Oh, well, parties and drugs never go together"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: They'll probably just assume they're doing that thing where you see how many people can cram into one phone booth and join in.
FancyShark: Dammit, Troy!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I wish Jason Pargin was here to explain phone booths to the possible youths.
FancyShark: Wait, I mean, Kelly!
gellaho: Kathryn, you do realize you are still writing about high schoolers, right? For a young adult audience?
gellaho: So, yeah, this character is going to be fucking everyone
FancyShark: I also wish @Brendan wasn't being tortured with tedium, because he'd be ripping this book apart
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly you sweet girl. He's having cracked out sex with those girls.
gellaho: "Hey, kids, Will is just running through this school"
FancyShark: Health Class has a whole chapter on Will; Per the court order
gellaho: You. Can. Not. Stab. Someone. In. The. Heart. With. A. Paring. Knife.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Not without some digging anyway.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: You can if you try REALLY hard
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: After some time and effort
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: You can stab someone with a spoon
gellaho: Kathryn occasionally remembers that she has decided on using multiple perspectives
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Making it through the rib cage might be a problem though
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: FIGHT A COP, JEFF!; DO IT!
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: You can't make me; Oh there's a character named Jeff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It's legal if he's undercover.
Brendan: What's happening in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST APRES-SKI?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Fucking nothing, as far as I can tell
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Troy is a fuckin pig!
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: I have no idea, I just came in and sausage is already telling me to fight a cop
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And also a cop.
FancyShark: Someone's a cop pretending to be a teenager. And befriended a nerd.
Brendan: Hey I'm thinking og changing my name by deed poll to Natalie Portmanteau.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The fact this is working is a real plot point
gellaho: If these were actual people, Jeff wouldn't believe the explanation for this. But because they are all morons, he probably will
gellaho
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: What's a phone booth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: FIGHT! THAT! BOY! COP! 👏
gellaho: Kathryn is really drawing out Jeff's pain. Which is weird considering we know what's happened
gellaho: This might be what Kathryn is into
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It has to be.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Prototype CW edging, yeah, Kathryn is soooooo hornt up now.
FancyShark: Kathryn was heartbroken by a boy named Jeff back in school. And she's dealing with it like a healthy lunatic
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Dealing with it like a Peter David
gellaho: Still going
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: FUUUUUUUUUCK; This is painful.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jeff please kick Troys ass.
LyraV: She could tell he was thinking hard because of all the yelling.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its all I want from you.
FancyShark: It's a cleansing kind of pain
LyraV: Dammit Kelly.
gellaho: "I don't feel like telling you this very stupid plan. A plan where it would not matter if I told you"
gellaho: I have to avenge Paula, the murderer
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Even a criminal deserves justice!; Unless it's drug crime, then fuck them kids
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Jeff is the only person here who isnt both insane AND a moron, he's just a regular moron so he might have some unique insight to offer, KELLY!
FancyShark: Paula, dear friend who almost smashed my head with a rock after drowning her boyfriend AKA MY BEST FRIEND
gellaho: Jeff moving on quickly
GDC: Okay, what's happening?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Paula, who I was having freakouts about until just now when the bodies started dropping.
FancyShark: Troy is a cop; Otherwise, you've missed nothing
gellaho: Jeff about to score with some college chicks
LyraV: A place I definitely never sold weed.
FancyShark: Jeff, you just turned down a threesome with two sane, probably intelligent women to go cry over a doorknob
gellaho: Gimme that thicc tree
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: A knob in the hand is worth two in the bush.
LyraV: I mean not on the illustrious University of Maryland campus in college park. A place not at all dangerous ha!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: More or less pathetic than Woolie doing the same for Marvel Vs Capcom?
gellaho: That seems unfair
FancyShark: You can have comfort or you can have a penis. Not both
GDC: The boys are sleeping in nests, not bed.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahaha why would you even GO on a trip where you had to sleep on the fucking floor?
gellaho: A new challenger has appeared for Worst Simile ever:
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I would have called my parents the first day and gone home, let alone after the murder happened.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Just doubling down on the bad simile
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Shit thoughts, yo.; Girl needs to poop.
GDC: Got a bad case of brain diarrhea
gellaho
FancyShark: Oh jeez. I've had nights like that. IBS is no joke.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Girl is fighting for her damn life
GDC: Oh God the poop is coming out her eyes
gellaho
Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion: yo we burying damp cheeks in here- oh
FancyShark: She's got the dance dance fever
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Her danger sense is triggered, someone is going to the bathroom!; Kelly, did you know hypervigilance is a symptom of PTSD?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus, did I manifest this with that fart bit from earlier?
gellaho: What, does his wheelchair run on gasoline?
FancyShark: Hell yeah. Diesel wheels
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Is this gonna be one of those really terrible mysteries where the killer turns out to be somebody we met maybe in passing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It runs on that crack generated electricity
FancyShark: It's far past the point of being a terrible mystery; It's closer at this point to a war crime
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I hope the rumble is an avalanche coming to murder all these losers
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Oh, yeah, there's Henry Kissinger
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank is so jacked up on crack he is vibrating.; His leg would be bouncing but.........you know.
gellaho: I think there are some logistical issues with a guy in a wheelchair stabbing someone in the heart with a paring knife
gellaho: Regardless of how many push-ups he can do
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha he used his superpowered wheelchair arms to kill with a paring knife; Fuck this book
GDC: The tire tracks in the blood pool should have been the first clue.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hes got both wheelchair AND crack strength. He's an unstoppable berserker.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Wait all this nothing is happening over halfway through the book?!?!?!
gellaho: Kathryn charges for writing advice
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Give him Escrima sticks and he's basically an evil Oracle
gellaho: No, no, no silly; There are 20 pages left
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Thank fuck.
FancyShark: Making the murderer the only person who's behaved like a normal person is oddly smart; Since we're all clamoring for the deaths of the other characters
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He got mad at his wife for no reason tho so hes clearly evil
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I'm still rooting for Frank, but now I just want him to snap everybody's necks and vanish into the night
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The areas new urban legend: The Wheelchair Murderer.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: So the clue that let her crack the case… Is that the guy who has to turn his wheelchair wheels to move is really strong?
FancyShark: You Have To Come Downstairs Sometime
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: To be fair I think we figured it out a long time ago so its only fair that Kelly catches up.
gellaho: Will is bad!? The only new character was the bad guy!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: HAHAHA WE SURE FUCKIN DID
FancyShark: BOOYA; WE SOLVED THE TWO PIECE PUZZLE
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: 🖕 Fuck you Kathryn 🖕
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: lol
gellaho: In case you forgot Frank's marital status
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You might as well, Frank. You're in too deep. You HAVE to kill her.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: I kind of got the sense that this wouldn't make any more sense if I actually had any idea what was going on
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also Kathryn fuck you for another book with a lame body count of ONE.
gellaho: The small gun is a metaphor
FancyShark: Wes Craven would later plagiarize this plot for Scream
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: All that gun buildup for a revolver no bigger than my left nut
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And a little bit of that 21 Jump Street movie.
LyraV: Kelly? Confused? I don't believe it!! Outlandish accusation.
gellaho: Frank just out here rooting around for guns for funzies
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Will, is that a .38? What are you, a girl? It's the 90s, you should have a least a nine mill.
FancyShark: Okay, @LyraV , did any of your dates involve gun running?
GDC: That's a cover story that only works for white people.
gellaho: Similes Ahoy
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Probably she bought some crack from him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "What are you gonna do, murder me?"; last reported words of murder victim
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Paula loved crack.; Crack and drowning.
gellaho: I think the girls would notice if you were just running up and down the interstate picking up packages
gellaho: That's not a normal thing people do
GDC: Kathryn is making the argument that authors should be licensed to use similes.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This teen boy is a major drug pipeline, damn.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: You could drive a hundred miles in a NIGHT?!?!
FancyShark: Will maintained a stellar reputation despite hours of driving girls around looking at nothing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Kathryn, do they even let you out of your room?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: How the fuck did he get a second date? Its hours from New York to Washington.
GDC: Reliable gun runners are the ones at risk of being grounded by their moms.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: I-95 is not a magic Highway
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: That simile really took me out of the story...; ... Is what a beta reader would say if she had any
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: My guy must have been using the Rainbow Road.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Dude took the fucking Rainbow Road dammit scooped
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Also true East coasters just call it 95
FancyShark: This is absolutely not the hill to die on for this book
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: State highways are all three digits so we see no need to differentiate
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: The Good reads reviewers seem to consider this an improvement on the first book
gellaho: The tragedy is not, you know, that they'd be dead but that people might be sad or think poorly of them
GDC: Damning faint praise.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Further evidence Goodreads is full of maniacs.
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Small factual errors like that really take me out of the story
gellaho: He is in a wheelchair!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The wheelchair bound are just as capable of stabbing a girl to death as anyone.
GDC: Yeah. No need to be ableist.
gellaho: Like, you can't come after somebody in a wheelchair with a knife; It's something that requires both hands
FancyShark: I mean, if certain conditions are met
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Is she fucking forgetting her own characters' traits?!?!
gellaho: He'd just be spinning in a circle trying to stab her
LyraV: If they had it in their teeth maybe?
GDC: She forgot her own characters names at one point
LyraV: Wait I just thought about that.; nevermind
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Yackity Sax playing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank could be a practitioner of Gymkata and tie knives to his legs.; GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: His fucking useless legs?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: Second drafts are for quitters
GDC: Yeah, just swing them around like flails
gellaho: Meanwhile
FancyShark: "Guess I can call it a night," he thought.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Troy doing a great job at the whole "secret protector" gig
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: If you spin fast enough, centrifugal force takes care of the rest.
gellaho: Troy is great at this
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah okay so maybe Troy really is a cop.; Never around when you need him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "You been"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Bad at his job.
FancyShark: "I timed it. I've catalogued all your sleep habits."
gellaho: Also, great undercover work that they just used his real name
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Creepin on teen girls.
GDC: Being an undercover cop must have been a lot easier before LinkedIn
gellaho: Kick rocks nerd
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "FNYAAAAAAAAH RUDE!"
FancyShark: Jeremy would go on to crush so much ass at the University of Maryland
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Go clean your inhaler, Jeremy.
gellaho: Simile time
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Because he inherited Will's drug connections. He's been the mastermind the whole time!
gellaho: Who does he think he is? Jeff?
FancyShark: Jeremy is Kaiser Soze!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: AND JEFF!; Jeff and Jeremy are the SAME PERSON!
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: GIF
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: Troy is great at this
FancyShark: Deploying that police training
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah get your ass kicked by Jeffemy!; Dont think to use like cop fu or anything, Troy.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I know authors who use tension and they're all cowards.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Angel fuckin rules.
FancyShark: Oh good, the REALLY creepy character arrived
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Like just sees an ass whipping in progress and is down.
gellaho: It's almost like this whole plan was pointless
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Troy Blart: Teen Cop
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Just my crack addict husband, that kid who spends alot of time driving with no particular destination, and the girl everyone wants to murder for some reason."
gellaho: Frank really felt in charge of the situation
gellaho: Pictured: being in charge of the situation
FancyShark: "I am mighty," thought the man who screamed at his wife for not loving a man with dead legs.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Boo!; Booooo!; Don't you dare kill the only real person in this book!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Congrats Frank. You made yourself a burden. It has nothing to do with your legs, but you fuckin did it.
gellaho: She's going to feel really silly when he's dead; Next paragraph
FancyShark: Dammit, Jeff! This is no time for hugs!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Will should have just shot them both and made it look like a murder/suicide.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He shouldn't have even had to think about it.
FancyShark: Since apparently no one questions anything in this world
gellaho: Jesus Christ, Kelly
GDC: At that speed it must have been more of a suplex than a hug.
FancyShark: Who says there aren't any strong women in fiction?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He could have just yeeted the heater into the treeline and the cops would be all "Looks like a clear cut case of killin themselves."
gellaho: Oh, fuck me. I can't stop laughing
Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.: You know what aren't great things to throw? Knives, that aren't throwing knives.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: HAH
FancyShark: hahahahaha
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Literally shot himself in the foot 🤌
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This is what happens when you dont practice proper firearm safety, WILL!
FancyShark: Mr. Bean would have been a more credible threat
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Chekhov wept.
gellaho: In case you didn't understand adrenaline
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Yeah, don't let the carnies fool ya, you really shouldn't throw kitchen knives.
GDC: AIIEEEEEumph
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Troy, arriving just in time to do nothing of note. Perfect cop character.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I am getting the feeling of pumping in the Crash Course
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Pumping hard like she wishes Troy would, now push it 🎵
GDC: There's still time for him to take credit for everything.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I cant believe how much you look like you are in heaven.
gellaho: Okay, the chain of events in one page:; 1) Paralyzed man jumps into knife; 2) Kelly runs straight into Jeff; 3) Kelly limply throws kitchen knife; 4) Shooter shoots himself in foot
FancyShark: Plan's going perfect
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Everyone botched their engagement rolls
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kathryn, this is far worse than the other two books you made us read.; And you did make us.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Someone had to.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You did this Kathryn, its your fault.
gellaho: I have no regrets; Shot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Wait, young husband?!
gellaho: Chaser
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I thought this dude was like 50!
FancyShark: "Jesus, now your talking's crippled, too? Why do I put up with you?"
GDC: If only the police officer had some way of contacting his colleagues
gellaho: Probably because he's 22 and she's in high school
FancyShark: He's fired
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: STOP TRYING TO MAKE STATUTORY HAPPEN, KATHRYN.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Hey, that's young to some of us 🥲
gellaho: The fuck are you talking about Kelly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Aw Angel I thought you were based but nope. NOBODY LIKES A COP FUCKER GOTH GIRL, ANGEL!\
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Now everyone is paired off
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: No, he wont be taking her to prom because he's a grown ass man and she's a fucking minor you weird perverts.
GDC: If you bring a narc to prom you deserve whatever happens to you
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: As is traditional in these stupid teen books
FancyShark: Jeff and Kelly. Angel and Troy. Nathan and Jim Beam.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And the readers are mostly just pissed off
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly. Kelly. KELLY! You NEED TO STOP!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I missed a lot so were they even flirting before?
FancyShark: They were not
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: She saw him get his ass wrestled down by Jeff and it was magical.
gellaho: Yeah, not really
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Some girls get like that for the yaoi content.; And cops.
gellaho: The impression you were supposed to get was that Troy was flirting with Kelly; So, who knows
GDC: Maybe Kathryn mixed up her character's names again
FancyShark: Meanwhile, Brian's memorial stands as a failed ski run by his best friend.
gellaho: Anyway, here's a long section on Nathan who has barely been in this book
FancyShark: Thanks for developing that character right as we stop the story, Kathryn
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Nathan fucking quits the series, good for him
gellaho: "Hey, kids, drop out of school and get into boat rental!"
FancyShark: GED? So the SAT thing didn't work out?
gellaho: Such great friends
FancyShark: Cue "What a Wonderful World"
GDC: As soon as Kelly is gone Nathan breathes a sigh of relief and grabs a whiskey
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: lmao that is so fucking sad, Nathan is self aware enough to know he's not even a minor character in this book and we all forgot about him when he wasnt being talked about directly.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Is Kelly going to look back at an empty room and flick the lights off before she leaves now
gellaho: THOSE ARE MY ATHLETIC SHOES, BITCH
gellaho: Reminder: Frank Peterson is Kelly's dad, not Frank Riley wheelchair guy; Because Kathryn though it'd be a good idea to have two Franks in this book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly is getting a new fuckin Mom Cop!
GDC: Fucking Kelly's dad is a real power move
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha is the cop trying to fuck her dad??; I can't believe it. An actual twist.; And it only came on the last page of the book.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: How else do cops get laid? They fuck family members of crime victims.; Or just crime victims.
GDC: Or people in their custody
gellaho: I guess that's one way to end a book
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Sometimes the victims of their own crimes.; Actually statistically alot more than sometimes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I can't believe this nothing story ended up being a two parter.
LyraV: I just don't even....
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Kelly you are such a fuckin dork, who is happy about their dad nailing a cop?
FancyShark: Kelly will have to figure out the best way to tell her new mom she's ugly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Like, genuinely, nothing fucking happened.; But there was so much of it!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: On the upside Kelly can now ward off her new mom with crushed fentanyl sprinkled around her door.
gellaho: We have defeated Crash Landing
GDC: Kelly is self-infantilizing
FancyShark: WE DID IT!; 📯
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Jesus, fucking burn this book, dude.; Holy shit.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I wish this book was a person so I could beat it with a rusty pipe but we DID IT!
GDC: Kathryn belongs in book jail.
LyraV: I mean...that ending certainly crashed.
FancyShark: Thank you, @gellaho !