92: Crash Landing Nicole Davidson

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Did they just wear all the ones they had collected til they covered every inch of their coats like North Korean generals wear their medals

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Moving on!

gellaho

You suck, Kathryn

GDC

Yeah when I was in university rich people came back from winter break with their lift passes on their coat to show off where they'd gone

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

A few of them I thought were bragging, the way they did it.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Yeah like how people will cover their luggage with stickers of places they've been.

gellaho

You know how Maryland people talk like Louisiana sheriffs

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Where is this author from?

gellaho

I don't know, it's very difficult to Google Kathryn Johnson

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"Anything south of New York is 'the south' right?"

GDC

Somewhere they don't know about lawyers

FancyShark

Foghorn Shellborn

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Slow your roll, Detective Gumshoe

gellaho

This is her personal website, but not a lot of person information https://kathrynjohnsonllc.com/

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'll say this, it is very true to life the way the police have latched onto the easiest explanation for the crime to the point of refusing to investigate any further

FancyShark

oh hell, I forgot she teaches

gellaho

To be fair, it's really the only explanation that makes sense

GDC

Honestly after writing this not disclosing her location is smart.

gellaho

Whatever bullshit Kathryn's about to spew will make zero sense

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Oh, I can hire her to doctor my book 😝

I'm sure her prices are super reasonable.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nothing better than a beta read from a beta who doesn't know how to read

gellaho

The fleecy knees of her sweatpants

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

How the fuck can she bend that far

Oh right. Eating disorder. She's basically just a skeleton now

FancyShark

She's sitting down, too

@gellaho , how far are we through the book?

gellaho

That's not what bumped off means

GDC

Kelly is so lucky she's white.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus, dirt road. This is a children's book allegedly. Keep it in your pants.

FancyShark

Cops always ride in the back with suspected murderers

gellaho

Not far enough

LyraV

I'd get a grip on the inner wailing before you hit the station Kelly or at least try.

gellaho

What do you think police officers are

FancyShark

Oh my god, pleasepleaseplease tell me they're setting her up to sniff out the real killer

I'd sooner trust Michael J. Fox to disarm a bomb

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's way too late to be calling for a lawyer, Kell

gellaho

Kathryn, do you think tan eyes are a normal thing?

GDC

Listen kid, we'd like to use you as what we cops call 'bait'.

gellaho

That's not a color irises are

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh my god she's doing the "you should smile more" bit

again

gellaho

I think she confused skin for eyes

That's the only explanation for that

LyraV

Dang I liked Shellhorn better than Shellborn.

FancyShark

A common mistake

GDC

I want to read this story from Shellborn's perspective.

LyraV

This means what, her ancestors pretended to birth snails?

GDC

these fucking kids

FancyShark

"Jesus Fucking Christ, these fucking idiots"

LyraV

I feel like thats a really insulting thing to imply so I take it back.

gellaho

Stop spelling chaperone that way

FancyShark

Chaperon! Use Tail Whip!

gellaho

Fuck your dialect, you piece of shit

GDC

It's really unfair to snails.

gellaho

I award you one Komar of Excellence

FancyShark

:sharkhug:

Thank you, brother

gellaho

The fuck is happening with these people's faces

gellaho

Do you wrinkle a nose?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Oh this officer is more fuckable

FancyShark

I have heard that expression before

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, nose wrinkling passes the smell test. It's a turn of phrase

GDC

If you don't iron it, sure.

FancyShark

Like when you scrunch up your face, you can get a wrinkle or two on the bridge of the nose

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Chaperon is the masculine, chaperone feminine 😝

gellaho

How about straightening out a lip

gellaho

Well, the chaperone is a lady so

FancyShark

That's bullshit

gellaho

In any event

GDC

Lip straightening therapy is banned in most states.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

This is like Richard K. Morgan and the wrong "discrete"

FancyShark

Barbers used to do it before surgeons were a thing

gellaho

I mean, the ghostwriters on Hardy boys use "blond" regardless of circumstance

It's weird

GDC

Same with appendectomies, but with a lower success rate.

gellaho

How's about you tell me the plot, asshole

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Blond is the masculine form of blonde though, isn't it?

gellaho

Yeah, they use it for girls too

FancyShark

It's weird

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh well that's just right out.

gellaho

And capitalize Dumpster. It's the only brand name they recognize

GDC

Is it the investigation about her escaping from a mental institution?

FancyShark

Are they going to ignore a murder to stop a drug deal?

gellaho

It was a paring knife! It was not a deep wound!

gellaho

Suck my balls

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is a whole new level of terrible.

Like, just wow.

It's not even that the plot is so juvenile, it's that they're trying to play it so fucking seriously.

gellaho

A couple?

gellaho

A couple of perp walks?

What do you think a perp walk is?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

WHY NOT JUST STAY AND CATCH THE ACTUAL KILLER

FancyShark

I'm furious I can't find the gif of Kiryu kneeing a pocket knife into a goon's gut

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is almost literally entrapment

Like, they are fucking framing her for no actual gain

LyraV

GIF

gellaho

This police officer has only ever seen cops on TV, haven't they

gellaho

Also, why would even that need to be done more than once

LyraV

Kelly no one cares about your dad.

FancyShark

It's like dragging a string across the floor to get a cat to play. Sometimes it takes more than one pass.

gellaho

"On restriction?" Did Kathryn grow up on Mars?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Your dad is going to sue the police department and if qualified immunity isn't a factor it'll be a guaranteed slam dunk

gellaho

Grounded. We call that grounded on planet Earth

FancyShark

Her dad is so strict he had no issue with her leaving the house for weeks or months to return to the place where she was nearly murdered

That fucking Stalin

gellaho

Or appearing in either of these books

Fuck off, Kathryn

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

THERE'S NOT EVEN SEVEN PEOPLE AT THIS CABIN

gellaho

I have such bad luck with these female authors

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

YOU DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR THEM TO GET SLOPPY

gellaho

I though, "hey, I should spread it around get a female perspective"

And it's worse

Every time

👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo

GIF

FancyShark

Peter David has had some really shitty moments, though

GDC

Kathryn wrote Shellborn's dialogue after watching a Rogue heavy episode of the 90s X-Men series.

gellaho

Well, yes. Obviously none of these people are blameless

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And that's where we come in!

LyraV

That is exactly who I keep hearing in my head, it doesn't help that it's on in the background

FancyShark

I'll say this: Kathryn's writing is idiotic, but it's not impenetrable like the French books

gellaho

So, anyway, think about this teenager using a public toilet

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Well yeah, that's a whole nother language

gellaho

(also the rapiest. Also a woman)

It was a wild world out there

I don't like this

FancyShark

Kelly displaying 1000 times more sensibility about where to shit than about how to handle Paula

gellaho

You keep describing this lady cop as a little girl, and that's weirding me out

LyraV

Thank you I was thinking it too!!!

Also maybe don't trust any cop this much ever.

gellaho

Well, Kathryn's forgotten another character's last name

FancyShark

And since we've been told the plan in detail, there's no way it can go wrong

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I really don't like that this cop has taken this vulnerable teenager to a secondary location to put her completely in her power

gellaho

Frank Riley, Kathryn

Get it together

Or, no, that's Kelly's dad's name

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Kathryn

Give them different first names

GDC

All these characters are based on mean girls that tormented Kathryn in highschool and she wasn't thorough replacing the names with fake ones

FancyShark

Angel was Kathryn's craaaaaaaazy gal pal who had real problems

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I feel like we've hit the point in a really bad wrestling show where fans start chanting "C M Punk" just for the sake of having something else to do.

gellaho

Stop calling the grown woman a child, Kathryn

LyraV

If he puts her in bunny slippers I'm out.

FancyShark

For the sake of sanity, I'm now imagining the cop played by a child

LyraV

So she's Wendy from Wendy's?

gellaho

Good news Kathryn's dad: your daughter is a moron, she's not going to college

gellaho

Also, she took the SATs a year ago

So I think she should probably be out of high school

But I guess Kathryn doesn't know that?

FancyShark

If she's not already applying to colleges, those scores aren't going to mean shit soon

gellaho

Could you have phrased that any other way

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm kind of lost. Can we discuss the cops' convoluted fake arrest plan for the sixth time just so it really sinks in?

gellaho

Getting arrested is just like a school play

FancyShark

They're going to pretend Kelly is the murderer so the real murderer will be clumsy

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ohhhh yeahhhhh, that's the one

gellaho

We have fun, don't we?

FancyShark

At least this answers why her parents let her do any of this

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus god, this is way too much story for this plot.

gellaho

Took prison to get her to eat

FancyShark

Shellborn thought, 'Don't tell her about the trans fats. Don't tell her about the trans fats.'

GDC

Shellborn warning the clearly emaciated girl about getting fat.

FancyShark

I'm hoping she was coaxing her into eating something and not shaming her

I know that's probably not the case, but still

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I don't like how this cop has placed this teenager under lock and key and taken a sudden interest in her physical appearance.

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

LyraV

I dont like ANY OF THIS

gellaho

Plan didn't work

FancyShark

🤣

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY

FancyShark

BUT THEY WERE SO CAREFUL

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

SO DID EVERYONE JUST STAY AT THE CABIN FOR HOWEVER MANY WEEKS THIS MUMMER'S FARCE TOOK?

gellaho

So, that is where we will end this week.

FancyShark

AND SINCE WHEN IS ISABEL HER BEST FRIEND

Ramb$ne

since paula died, silly

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus Christ. Holy fuck.

I just. God. Fuck, man. Argh.

FancyShark

We did it! Partly!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Good caging, gang.

gellaho

There are only like 60 pages left, so next week we'll finish this up and I'll probably introduce you to some of the very, very shitty Hardy Boys comics I have

FancyShark

Fuck yeah

Thank you, @gellaho !

Great riffing, everyone!

LyraV

Oh hell yeah more hardy comics

Thanks @gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This one really needed to get caged, holy shit.

Thanks @gellaho

gellaho

Until then, The Book Cage resumes next week

gellaho

May all of your attempted murderers be murdered

GDC

Thanks everyone, this is difficult work and I appreciate your efforts.

LyraV

Also thanks for the reminder @FancyShark I appreciate it

FancyShark

You too!

gellaho

That cover, for what it's worth, is not at all representative of this book

FancyShark

You're welcome! We didn't want to have you miss out!

GDC

If anyone deserves book jail, it's Kathryn.

Now let's get back to talking about how wrong Javo is about Brandon Sanderson.

FancyShark

lol

On that note, have a good night, everybody

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, how you gonna be mad at Sanderson when Kathryn is right there

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 92.5: - Crash Landing Part II

This, the sequel to Nicole Davison/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson's Crash Course, is the single dumbest book I've ever read. That is all. Join us for the last 60 pages, Friday 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

God it's going to feel so good to put this dross in the deep freeze

I know we just introduced Return of the Living Dead rules for Nathfields but honestly it might be better if we just burn this shit and be done with it forever

gellaho

Coming up in little over an hour, it's the conclusion to Crash Landing. Reminder that we left off with the main character getting fake arrested for a plan that amounted to absolutely nothing.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ah yes. The stupid. I forgot how much it stung

FancyShark

"Well, look who decided to finally come home from prison. Dinner's cold."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They would have stayed at this cabin for like a month if this plot unfolds the way we're being told it's happening

GDC

I'm starting an hour long commute home now. I'll be driving as recklessly as possible to participate.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Still making better life decisions than Kelly

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I'm home in time for Book Cage!

I'll probably have to make dinner whenever the boys get hungry but right now my kiddo just wants to cuddle on the couch and watch TV

Check out the new tattoo progress in general 😋

gellaho

Time to resume the process

FancyShark

Once more into the breach

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Let's see if Nicole Kathryn learned how to dig up!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Time to see what this teen dingus gets worked up over now.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Ugh my kid wants to call his cousin on my phone 🥲 have fun

gellaho

Kelly quietly swallows her own vomit

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Off to a rollicking start.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

This is why we have the official Book Cage Brand Child Kennels.

FancyShark

Kelly doesn't even thank the cops for the complimentary haggis gum

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Kelly is truly an everygirl, eye contact and social awkwardness makes her vomit.

Or shes part seagull.

gellaho

Frank having a real one out here

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So have they been briefed that her arrest was a ruse de cop yet, or

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Uh......Frank? Maybe you should go to couples therapy later, theres probably a muderer on the loose or something.

FancyShark

Frank, how can you think we hate those in wheelchairs? They get great parking!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And sweet vans!

gellaho

She's supposed to keep it a secret

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

All arrests are false.........maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

gellaho

It seems like now even Nathan has forgotten his stabbing from the previous book

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

"Also, yes. They would appreciate that."

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

lol Nathan is gunning for a streak bonus.

gellaho

Weird thing to perk up about

FancyShark

"Ooo! I'm uninvolved!"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Will that is an awful sudden and specific denial.

Just saying.

Brendan

I have no idea what's going on.

FancyShark

Then you're caught up!

Brendan

Ignore me while I mostly tag timestamps in Thor and pray for this new gig to come through.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also narratively speaking, Will, you should watch the fuck out. As a new character you are at high risk of getting got.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Like, we've already established it physically couldn't be anyone but will at this point, right? All this is just excessive foreplay?

gellaho

Chris has forgotten his own mood swings caused by drugs from the last book

FancyShark

Here's what you missed: The psycho girl from the last book escaped the mental hospital and came back only to be immediately forgiven and murdered

Brendan

Oh, she was hot.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

You have to get the reader good and lubed up before you slip inside their brain holes for the climax.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Escaped", a word which here means "left while everyone else was asleep"

Ramb$ne

forgiven is a strong word

gellaho

Hey, teacher? Maybe have a little more to say when one of your underaged students says they "need a drink"

FancyShark

Everyone is mourning her like a treasured friend!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Chris also doesnt know that handwriting analysis is junk science used by a lazy law enforcement system. Maaaaaaaan.

Ramb$ne

but these stories are running together. are you sure she didn't get so angry she transformed into an amazon and stepped on fat hitler?

gellaho

Yes, possibly "fell in love with" is the correct phrase

FancyShark

That would have been more coherent

FancyShark

Kathryn momentarily forgot they're not college kids

gellaho

I think everyone's first clue was that she was stabbed to death with a paring knife

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Imagine if she turned into an Amazoness and stepped on fat Hitler.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fucking paring knife kill, goddamn it

I forgot

gellaho

There are about 500 ways that would not be suicide

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Man it is so hard to kill someone with a paring knife.

Like I'd believe someone did it on accident before it was someones murder weapon of choice.

gellaho

Do a lot of people commit suicide via stabbing, anyway?

FancyShark

Samurai?

gellaho

Much less the world's smallest knife

FancyShark

Why not make it safety scissors at this point?

gellaho

Ski patrol getting sideswiped

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So his handwriting turned to shit when he was under the effect of heavy doses of drugs?

No fucking way!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fun how the police believe the killer is still around but arent like.......getting these dipshits away from the area to protect them or anything.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Ski patrol", what is this, fucking Norway

FancyShark

Would you? They're all pretty horrible

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Ski Patrol is the worst sentai team ever.

gellaho

They did try using one as bait

FancyShark

Yeah. This is more like bored children trying to make bugs fight

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

SKI POLIIIICE

(Where is the killer now?)

SKI POLIIIIICE

(Better frame another teeeeen)

gellaho

Robo-Jeff initialize

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Using the "Once you pop, you are unable to stop" theory of murder detection.

gellaho

"I never thought anything about you, human female."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I never thought anything bad about you. Not even when you ripped ass so bad in the dorm that the stank lingered for months. Everyone else hated you for it but I didn't."

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Jeff was too busy doing something whitebread and boring like organizing his ties.

FancyShark

"I certainly never thought about you stepping on me."

"I kno- wait, what"

gellaho

Kelly, do you know what a hose is?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

HAhahaha Kelly. The cops would use a sock with a bar of soap in it.

Or oranges.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

I've heard that term before. Did some torturers actually do that?

Actually, no, don't answer that

LyraV

Oh I forgot what it was part two of for just a small moment. Then I remembered Kelly.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I literally went and downloaded Discord on my Chromebook

gellaho

"I guess"