92: Crash Landing Nicole Davidson

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Frank wouldn't do that! It's not weird I brought that up unprompted!!"

FancyShark

Anyone who speaks to me gets a buff for 24 hours!

gellaho

Fuck you, fuck all of you, I hope you all die

GDC

Kelly thinks talking to people grants them immunity to edged weapons.

FancyShark

"Now that she's dead, I see we could have been friends"

gellaho

I don't know how this is dumber than the things she's done before

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You can really feel the love gellaho has for these characters

Ramb$ne

The wheelchair is the murderer

gellaho

I don't know how this is dumber than everything I've read before

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

THE MURDERER IS HIDING IN THE WHEELCHAIR.

THE ALIEN RESURRECTION STRAT

gellaho

I don't know how this is dumber than John Jakes (RIP to our fallen king)

No, wait, no

Ramb$ne

Troy will reveal that reluctantly a sorcerer gave him dragonards in France and then we'll be truly fucked

gellaho

She died to a paring knife?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She did all that to herself with a paring knife, Jeff?

GDC

Paula committed seppuku

gellaho

I don't know what's stupider that somebody killed her with that, or you think she killed herself with that

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Are you taking the piss, mate?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Her knife skills sucked

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A potato peel gone horribly horribly wrong

gellaho

You know the worst thing

FancyShark

Hardcore infomercial opening

gellaho

I found this on the inside cover

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That this was printed and sold for money?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Who amongst us hasn't mortally wounded ourselves while topping strawberries?

FancyShark

AAAAAAHAHAHAHA

GDC

To be fair I've cut myself almost this badly slicing a bagel

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

My jaw actually dropped

gellaho

She still is! She did it!

gellaho

That she got murdered does not change any of that

Fuck me

FancyShark

Kelly is somehow stupider than Bhodi Li

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I've seen Soviet dictatorships that didn't get fucking shilled as an underrated good guy this hard

FancyShark

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

This is some Naruto redemption bullshit.

gellaho

Why are you all so shaken by this

GDC

She bonded really quickly with that escaped mental patient.

gellaho

Listen, I understand somebody died. But it is a person who tried to kill a bunch of you

FancyShark

This book is straining the limits of my abilities to react. There are depths of bafflement here that I don't have protocols for

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This isn't even your first murder, you bunch of namby pambies

gellaho

This is not a friend of yours, or an innocent bystander

FancyShark

IT WAS LESS THAN A YEAR AGO

gellaho

This is a person who has not only deeply affected your lives, but actively tried to end it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Stockholm Syndrome: The Book

FancyShark

You all should have screamed yourselves hoarse when she reappeared

gellaho

Like, forgiveness is one thing. but she had done nothing, very little time has passed

This is beyond Christ-like. It's just stupid

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It'd be one thing if she had shown up to be wrongly accused and then have to clear her name. There's at least an arc to be had there. This is just blatantly revisionist

gellaho

I like this Frank guy

gellaho

FancyShark

Finally, a sensible person

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I don't even care if Frank is somehow the killer. The fact he's the only one acting like a real human in this story makes him the hero

GDC

You might have said 'someone call the cops, there's an escaped prisoner here'.

gellaho

In comes this complete uggo of a cop

FancyShark

Sounds like Kathryn couldn't talk her way out of a speeding ticket

gellaho

I think I hate Kathryn

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

How fucking dare she

gellaho

I usually don't hate these authors because really who could care. But Jesus Christ

GDC

Kathryn thinks the officer investigating the murder should wear makeup and smile more.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kinda jumping the gun by having a cop show up at all here, isn't she

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That's creative writing 101, first describe the character's relative fuckability.

GDC

That's not a bad description of a world weary detective that has seen some shit, but it's filtered through the lens of an insufferable main character.

gellaho

Very healthy friendships

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And several insufferable side characters

FancyShark

And an insufferable author

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If an asteroid hit the mountain and put all these characters out of their misery I think we could call it a happy ending

gellaho

"Fuck you, she fucking stabbed me! You stupid bitch"

gellaho

And I know I'm saying bitch a lot. But I feel it's apt

GDC

Also, other people died, at Paula's hand.

gellaho

Absolutely suck my dick, Kelly

gellaho

What the fuck is wrong with you

FancyShark

Jingle some keys in Kelly's face to distract her

GDC

"I'm a kidneyless creep, thanks to Paula."

gellaho

Eating is probably a good way to stop death

FancyShark

Hardy Boys 101

LyraV

Yes I got here in time for Officer Margaret Shellhorn.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What the goddamn fuck is happening with this book. Is there even a plot anymore? Is there a mystery we're supposed to be following?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Freeze to death, Kelly.

GDC

sad girl is hangry.

LyraV

Her ancestors added horns to various shells.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Man, it makes me miss The Westing Game.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

In a good way or a bad way

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

As in a mystery with clues the reader can follow.

As in it's definitely better than this in any case.

FancyShark

I think you beat death by cheating at Battleship

gellaho

Hey, Troy? Do me a favor and just kill Kelly

FancyShark

"Maybe because he was clutching a bloody knife."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I once read Shatter Me and saw a reviewer describe the main character as "a weeping puddle of rose petals" and it's apt here too.

Maybe it was a swooning puddle of roses

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You cheat death by making him play Monopoly and dragging the game out so long he forfeits

Which is how every game of Monopoly goes

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Troy is the murderer, I'm calling it now.

gellaho

You know, the southern accents of Maryland

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Benoit Blanc she ain't

LyraV

Okay there is a subsection of people in Dundalk (outside of Maryland) who will argue they are southerners even when you explain what the Mason Dixon line was.

gellaho

I hope Brian's ghost kills you, Kelly

FancyShark

"All ya all done hated Paula, pilgrim," she said Cajunly

GDC

Two things. First, Paula is a fugitive from the law, that's important, officer. Second, don't talk to cops, Kelly. Lawyer up.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

LyraV

Y'know or it was just that idiot Wayne and his buddies who definitely didn't buy weed from me in my teens lol

gellaho

I don't think he was offering you, a raw egg you absolute moron

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

Big Lenny shrugs

lol, scooped

GDC

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus. She really just did that but unironically

LyraV

Or she's just grossed out by eggs in general.

gellaho

Well, might as well throw them into the mix

gellaho

Fuck those cops trying to solve this murder, I guess

FancyShark

"We're trying to find the murderer."

"Ugh. Fascist."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

His hair was standing on end all over his head. He had gone Super Saiyan.

gellaho

Meanwhile, a phone is dialed

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

ACAB? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Everybody hates a cop until they need one. Then they still hate a cop but for less immediately justifiable reasons.

gellaho

This murder has got me so hot

FancyShark

1900CRIME was short lived

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha this was a drug mule story all along, fuck you readers, fuck you right in your stupid fucking faces

Ramb$ne

Assigned cop at birth

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I swear some people are...

FancyShark

oh shit

GDC

"how the fuck should I know how long the cops are going to take investigating a murder?"

FancyShark

The killer is McGruff the Crime Dog

He took a bite out of crime and he wants more

gellaho

This is a great thing to introduce 80 pages in

gellaho

1-900-HOT-CRIME

FancyShark

Thanks, Kathryn. Now we know it's Will

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It could still be anybody! Even Will!

gellaho

Reminder that these books are supposed to be for younger audiences

FancyShark

Guided Reading - 7th grade

gellaho

It's also now been raining

On the ski slopes

Not snowing

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Global warming, amirite

FancyShark

Okay, to be fair, there are ski resorts that manufacture snow in the warmer months

I have no idea what chemicals are involved

Ramb$ne

The weird part is they're in abu dabi

It's indoors

gellaho

That would make sense if she didn't specifically mention anything about unusual cold at the beginning of the book

Which she definitely didn't do

FancyShark

lol

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Perfect

gellaho

LyraV

Then he's not a very Good pothead is he?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

No notes

FancyShark

hahahaha

Kathryn, you're so bad at this

GDC

Talking about Baltimore like it's the exotic orient.

gellaho

Get excited

LyraV

Its a very distinct place I'll give them that.

gellaho

Her geography is great

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

To the Bat-Lodge!!

gellaho

What with the vast caverns and cliffs in Key West

On pins and needles

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ugh, some boy, amirite ladies

FancyShark

Dammit, Kathryn, you can't cheat like that! Kelly recognizes all of these idiots immediately. You're being deliberately obscure

gellaho

Kelly calling up Paula's parents. Get this great paragraph

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Did Annette fall down the same sinkhole Mr. Porter died in? Where the fuck has she been during all of this madness

FancyShark

Well, good news, Schultzes! You're still not getting sued!

gellaho

I'm pretty sure they keep record of every purchase, you dolt

LyraV

Hey and believe that someone approached her at the bus stop to see if she'd like to buy a definitely not stolen lawn mower or case of cds.

Both of those happened irl ha!

FancyShark

Still no red flags that Paula showed up alone to apologize to her boyfriend she murdered

LyraV

I mean come on Shark this all feels perfectly reasonable.

GDC

She had a student ID from the mental hospital?

gellaho

On the way back from the phone (which is half a mile away through the forest for some reason). Kelly starts to run that whole distance, despite the fact that she weighs 90 lbs and hasn't eaten

gellaho

Also, Angel started talking about guardian angels or something

FancyShark

Since we already know it wasn't Angel that killed Paula, there's literally no menace to her

gellaho

You gotta get your Crazy Discount at the movie theater

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's her whole personality now, what else is she gonna do

FancyShark

Why couldn't Angel have gotten way into glass blowing or metallurgy? Why's it gotta be angels?

gellaho

Hey, it's Troy who would have guessed

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

You know, how bears do

FancyShark

GEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNT!

Wait, sorry

GDC

A bear, or maybe someone interested in stabbing teen girls. Don't know why I brought up that second one.

gellaho

Why is she in this book

FancyShark

Troy, she wasn't your friend

gellaho

Like, Isabel and Nathan are barely present. Chris is a complete afterthought

Which is a great way to treat your only black character, congrats

FancyShark

Does Kathryn think she's setting up her own Boxcar Children series?

GDC

Angel found some really amazing mushrooms in the forest.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I would prefer "afterthought" to "anger issues and illicit drug problem" like last time

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Boxcutter Dumbfucks

gellaho

But gotta keep this gold

LyraV

Kelly reads minds now too.

GDC

8 ounces in a cup isn't a scientifically proven fact, that's just a convention.

We just made that up.

gellaho

Uh

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

KATHRYN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT

LyraV

Sorry Kathryn got a little off topic but she's back now she's got this. No more distractions

gellaho

Why is this happening

FancyShark

This is about as sexually appealing as unwrapping a Slim Jim

LyraV

Ew

gellaho

So super hot

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

hahaha sexy whimsy A WOMAN IS DEAD.

gellaho

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

HER BODY ISN'T EVEN COLD YET.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN WASHED OFF THE PARING KNIFE AND IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME.

FancyShark

It should be soon! It's cold or possibly not cold outside!

LyraV

What kind of thing is that to say to someone who isn't a child Troy it came across really creepy.

gellaho

Makes me miss my precious Boys

FancyShark

ew

mushrooms

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Be honest, Kathy. Publisher gave you a word count to hit, didn't they.

gellaho

I'm better with this than their complete forgiveness and sadness for the psychopathic killers

FancyShark

This callousness is more familiar

GDC

Aren't there cops around investigating the murder? Aren't they on a school trip?

Have their parents been called?

gellaho

Listen, Kathryn, if you want me to care about Kathryn's body issues I need to first care about her

FancyShark

The parents signed a waiver. School's not liable this time.

gellaho

And I don't

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Is it even a Freudian slip if Kelly is this blatant of a self insert

gellaho

Yeah, that was stuff I absolutely skipped

FancyShark

Also, eating disorders tend to not manifest as "I'm just not hungry". That's the excuse someone uses when they're not eating, but it's more of a revulsion at food and the thought of gaining any weight

gellaho

The parent's know, there was stuff with the cops

GDC

"hey so, we took the kids to the same place where another student was murdered last year, and the murderer escaped from an institution and got stabbed to death. Come get your kid"

"and sign this release"

FancyShark

If Kelly is starving herself, she is going to be in severe pain. The body doesn't go quietly without food

I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING, KATHRYN

gellaho

It's a big country, try more

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She's not the only one in severe pain

gellaho

There are like 330 million people here, Kathryn come on

FancyShark

Literally hundreds

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tens of tens, even

GDC

As many as four tens.

And that's terrible.

gellaho

Sounds like it's time for Kelly to learn how to shave

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's called anxiety, Kelly, and if you don't lawyer up it'll be presented as evidence in court

FancyShark

Please feel sudden guilt over how badly you handled Brian's memorial

gellaho

Rock solid case

FancyShark

Excellent skier? SHE FORGOT SHE WAS SKIING ON A DEATH SLOPE

gellaho

Evidence is hard

gellaho

Or they're just taking her to get interviewed

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This theory is immediately undone by just interviewing another person.

gellaho

It's unnecessarily vague

FancyShark

That doesn't sound like Kathryn

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Like. Troy explicitly talked to her at the end of this slope. He can corroborate her story.

This is just entrapment anxiety for the sake of a cheap thrill

gellaho

Oh, OK, so just an interview. But everyone is an idiot

GDC

These feels like a cautionary tale about exercising your right to remain silent.

gellaho

Death Row with caps

GDC

That's not what a warrant is.

gellaho

Like the record company

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Frank, again, the only person here acting like a real person

gellaho

Oh, wow, everybody looking to get arrested

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fucking Christ, this is how people get shot.

FancyShark

Kelly will be fine. Five minutes talking to her and they'll never be able to convince a judge she's fit to stand trial

gellaho

"How dare you interview this girl with a motive!"

GDC

The cops reaction:

gellaho

Lipstick, you dweeb

And what the fuck is a lift pass

FancyShark

Bus pass?

LyraV

Her pass to use the fancy elevator.

GDC

Yeah, it lets her on the ski lift

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This author is British or some flavor of European. No one on this hemisphere uses "lift passes" on the bus line

gellaho

No?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh right. The ski lift.

Gonna be real I forgot this book was about skiing for a bit.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I thought you were all playing dumb

GDC

Understandable

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I was like, "Don't take the bait, Mordred."

gellaho

I live in Florida, you think I understand skiing lingo

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

No, genuinely, I forgot this book's premise almost as hard as its author did

FancyShark

Same

gellaho

This fake note makes some good points

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I didn't think a ski lift was such regional knowledge. 😛

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha this will never hold up in court

Handwriting analysis alone is going to prove this is a fake pretty much instantly

gellaho

I thought you just walked onto the ski lift. I've never seen a booth where they check a pass

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

People pin them to their ski jacket

FancyShark

They can prove Kelly didn't write that because she doesn't understand cause and effect

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

It's like having a wrist band in an amusement park or some such.

Or a tag on your luggage

gellaho

Sounds like something that wouldn't be in a fanny pack then

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I had classmates who never took them off their jacket.

Yeah probably not

gellaho

Or where she's keeping a fanny pack with all her layers

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Like they'd be at school with it on there.

gellaho

Whatever