92: Crash Landing Nicole Davidson

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Abandoned mines.

GDC

torch-ringed pits with lots of bones in the middle

FancyShark

You live in a wasteland, Sausage?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yeah. Iowa.

FancyShark

HEYOOO

gellaho

How is this where the lake was

gellaho

That cabin was in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by trees

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

To be fair the abandoned mine game here isnt that strong.

gellaho

Trees, you know, the things you don't want to ski near

FancyShark

Tourists come from miles around to see the constant sinkholes

gellaho

Also that

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Or......MAYBE Brian knew more than one or two girls?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

When in Wisp Mountain, visit beautiful Utapau!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Like he had a cousin or something.

gellaho

The many, many strange ground holes

FancyShark

To be fair, skiing with pitfalls sounds like a cool video game

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Come for the sink holes, stay to retrieve the corpses of your loved ones.

gellaho

"Popping corn?" I know you aren't ninety years old, Kathryn

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And the Iowa Board of Tourism said my slogans were bad.

FancyShark

That sounds like a serious heart condition, Kelly

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I mean she seems to think slashers are when only one person in a story dies, that's some pretty Hays Code shit

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Kelly just wants to sit on her davenport with her popping corn and some of Mr. Graham's Crackers, and listen to radio plays.

gellaho

Oh, OK, so that disappearing thing was pointless

gellaho

Because she was right there the next sentence

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah fuck I was kidding, Book.

gellaho

The "turn around and someone is suddenly there" thing doesn't really work in book form

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Paula gone full Hannibal Lecter.

gellaho

You can't do a jump scare in prose

GDC

Paula did a reverse-batman

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

I honestly didn't think she'd be showing up this quickly

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ok Kelly, so you've just been cornered by the person who tried to kill you last book. What is your response and why is it not "lash out with whatever weapon you can find"

gellaho

Or at all

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I had a feeling it might happen. Author is pretty hacky, and she only has the one handful of characters

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yeah I was thinking shed be a figment of Kellys paranoia or something, this is so basic its fucking surprising.

FancyShark

Now Kelly, remember, you said it was an accident. So getting angry or scared at Paula would be inconsistent with the flimsy characterization you have

gellaho

Are you trying to gaslight me, Kathryn?

FancyShark

Yes

Yes she is

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I think… I think she might genuinely have forgotten how she wrote her own book

GDC

"It might have had something to do with the anchor I had tied to his feet"

gellaho

Kewpie

gellaho

Fuck, you are so stupid Kelly

FancyShark

"It took them so long."

"It was less than a year ago."

"So much time."

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Okay this is an outdated reference even for Kelly. I have never seen one of those in my life.

Also HOW BAD WERE THOSE SHRINKS?!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fucking, I knew Kathryn was like 80 years old.

GDC

Troy, the lone voice of sanity

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also fuck you Kathryn for making a Troy the reasonable one.

FancyShark

"Are you crazy? Please check only one box"

GDC

The hospital does involuntary holds via the honor system

FancyShark

It hasn't been that long but holy crap I forgot how bad Kathryn is as this

gellaho

This bad

FancyShark

UNSUPERVISED?!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha fuck the criminal justice system I guess, clean bill of mental health

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

HAHAHAHA I WAS FUCKING KIDDING BOOK!

^o^ My Canadian friend wants to play a game with me, I havent played with her in a grip so I'll see y'all later! Have fun!

gellaho

You fucking deserve to die, holy shit

FancyShark

Later, @Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage !

Make sure to check yourself out of the mental ward!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus Christ, Kelly. I've seen lemmings with more of a will to live.

GDC

Paula, your counselor was terrible.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

The instant, simple and complete release of forgiveness.

gellaho

Kelly out here flirting with other boys and trying to get them all killed

gellaho

What a great protagonist

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

This is what toxic Positivity or religious people want you to believe

FancyShark

The blood feud is back on when Paula discovers they have no Mr. Pibb

gellaho

I didn't think I was going to say this, but I miss when half of the book was from Jeff's perspective

He makes a good point

gellaho

Not only that, but she was supposed to be memorializing her bestest friend Brian

FancyShark

If the whole book was describing bacteria breaking down Brian's corpse into nutrients, it would be more respectful to his memory than this

gellaho

Brian who?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She forgave so hard she forgot about her dead friend

FancyShark

GIF

GDC

Is this the first time the fact that kelly and jeff are dating was mentioned?

Seems like an important context

gellaho

"You remember how she almost killed him? Hilarious"

GDC

Let's give Paula a knife, it'll be hilarious

gellaho

The last book ended with them making out on Brian's grave

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

To be fair if anyone deserves a laugh at their expense it's Nathan

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha fuck it totally did, how did I forget that

FancyShark

Kelly, what the fuck is wrong with you?

GDC

I don't think I was here for the first book.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I know I wasn't

gellaho

WHY

gellaho

If I was Nathan, I would be screaming at every single person involved in this

GDC

See, this is why you need the knife/broomstick, so you can stab people on the opposite side of the room

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"Just forgive her, everyone, it's simple and easy"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kathryn is either very old or a space alien. In either case she is woefully misinformed on how people behave

FancyShark

Kathryn, Fred Rogers wasn't this forgiving. What the hell are you playing at?

gellaho

"Fuck her, fuck you, that bitch fucking stabbed me and I bled out alone in the woods for hours."

FancyShark

"She tried to crush your head with a boulder, KELLY"

"SHE DID IT WHILE TELLING YOU SHE KILLED BRIAN"

gellaho

Yeah, booze is what makes your eyes red

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"But she was crazy and in less than a year the doctors said she's not crazy anymore so let's just all be friends again, okay?"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Does he smell like skunk?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hey, as long as all our old friends from last book are making a happy return, Let's check in with Mr. Porter!

He is dead in a sinkhole.

gellaho

I wonder why Jeff feels any jealousy

gellaho

The good news is that Will is looking to get murdered

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It was either him or Jeff, let's be honest

FancyShark

Good for her, getting back out there with a rebound murder

gellaho

Jesus Christ. She. Is. A. Murderer!

gellaho

Vulnerable!?!?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'll start putting the finishing touches on Kelly's Darwin Award

GDC

fast talker? Teen girls love auctioneers, I guess

"Will's a slut, is what I'm getting at"

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

Like y'all wouldn't date a hot chick just because she kills people

gellaho

Just say Cool Whip

gellaho

Turns out we are getting some Jeff Perspective

Can't wait to eat my own words here

FancyShark

Yay?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tbh I'd only feel safe if she were constantly belittling me about it, if she started love bombing me I'd assume I was her best kill

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

Jeff needed his special pants and his special underwear to think about his fight with kelly

FancyShark

I'm still hung up on how Kathryn must've heard about "idiot plots" and thought they were a template

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Now now, be fair. This could still be merely a plot written by an idiot

gellaho

I mean she skipped out on memorializing a dead friend to flirt with someone else, but yeah you were unreasonable Jeff

FancyShark

Sometimes he thought about how Kelly was horrible. Other times, he thought about trains.

He thought "caboose" was a funny word.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And he was right.

GDC

Usually he didn't think at all, though.

FancyShark

Sometimes, Jeff thought about why doorknobs were so crunchy

gellaho

Hot Dog

crash

FancyShark

Mogul?

GDC

He casually ran over a 19th century railroad baron

gellaho

Tiny hills

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Cresting a mogul is like dropping in on a grommet

gellaho

Somehow

FancyShark

Ah, thank you

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

GDC

yeah, or blerquing the splozz.

gellaho

Time to get weirdly horny about ethnicities

FancyShark

oh right, her

GDC

Comet tails: known for their darkness

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Again!

boioioing

gellaho

You know, how teenagers do

FancyShark

Nathan is already a bitter alcoholic in his 30s

gellaho

You know all the high schoolers downing their romantic sorrows in booze

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

Early achiever

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

To be fair he did get stabbed. That's a pretty good alcoholic origin story

GDC

If my goth girlfriend found jesus, I'd be sad too.

FancyShark

Okay, yeah, those are both good reasons

gellaho

How?

gellaho

Is she three feet tall?

FancyShark

Is that too much? Too little? How much did she weigh before?

Oh wait

She missed breakfast

GDC

You can't just drop the fact that kelly is a hobbit this late in the book

FancyShark

She's being anorexic

gellaho

Again, how

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm sorry, I know it's unfair of me to single her out in the middle of all this nonsense, she didn't choose to be here but.

Mrs. Cummings

FancyShark

Kathryn's going to say Kelly has an eating disorder because of stress or guilt and if she just chooses to be happy she'll be healthy

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

Oh shit she's 5'7? Does she have hollow bones?

gellaho

Although, if 5'7" is "a lot taller" then Isabel is like 4'6"

FancyShark

A towering 5'7"

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

I mean I knew/was some unhealthily skinny bitches but this is beyond that

gellaho

That's why. Because she respects you, not loves you or even likes you

FancyShark

If she's lost that much weight, Annette is so fired for not noticing one of her students is a goddamn skeleton

GDC

Kelly should stay at Paula's hospital. They can clear up mental health issues super fast

gellaho

If she weighs that little, that crash earlier should have broken her in half

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kelly's made of rubber, it's fine

FancyShark

I'll stand by my call that she died then and this is all a hallucination caused by her dying brain

gellaho

"Hey, so you're looking a little like Skeletor"

Ramb$ne

cough

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

If she weighs that little the wind should have picked her off the ski slope and sent her on an adventure

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

Skeletor was pretty cut tho, maybe that was the confusion

gellaho

I feel like being really good at skiing would require some amount of muscle mass

gellaho

Possibly a lot of muscle mass

FancyShark

Malnutrition does explain her shitty eyesight

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GET TO THE MURDER.

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

She's a fast skiier? How, when gravity barely notices her ninety pound ass?

Ramb$ne

"Did you know Kelly weighs less than you'd think?"

"UNTIL NEXT TIME!"

gellaho

Oh, good, Kathryn forgot her own character's name

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

To be fair so did I

gellaho

It's going great

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Will "Will Grant" Tanner

FancyShark

Good old William Tant

gellaho

Just such likable characters

FancyShark

Kathryn is nailing the slasher trope of "I want all these people to die"

gellaho

Wait, Troy's a bad guy?

gellaho

I couldn't tell from the way he tried to rob a cabin occupied by a guy in a wheelchair

FancyShark

Oh come on, @gellaho . The window was open slightly!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ooo, never introduce a character by saying they've been "watching the kids" for days at a time

Bad vibes, bad vibes

FancyShark

Kelly, one does not act like they hate themselves

gellaho

Kelly's only observant when it comes to cute boys she should avoid at all costs

gellaho

Kathryn, but it is easy to confuse

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Pretty like a Stepford Wife

gellaho

All her female protagonists are as stupid as she is

Ramb$ne

Angel might just be a necromancer. Check if she's got a skeleton hand

FancyShark

Angel's got some real Heaven's Gate energy going

gellaho

Run, Troy

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Well, this is unsettling. Good work Kathryn?

FancyShark

This would be less creepy if her head split open into a giant fanged maw and she bit him in half

gellaho

Why is this the only thing you can write well

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Loony Tune

Can't even spell that shit right

gellaho

It's hard to look things up

Maybe that Fun Whip thing was an accident

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tbh I'm just impressed she fought off her old people syndrome long enough to not call Angel a Merrie Melody

gellaho

Definite willies

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

You're a dumb piece of shit Troy York, and Heaven knows you need help more than any poor starving kids in Ethiopia.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

There's boiled rabbit in his future

gellaho

Because we are now getting all the perspectives, time for the crazy bitch's

FancyShark

First time I've ever thought "Oh thank god, we're switching to the murdering psycho. That was getting weird."

GDC

Don't these kids have a supervisor? Why is Annette letting them ski in the dark?

gellaho

Well, she escaped

gellaho

Which I should have expected, but Kathryn is so bad at this I believed that stupid shit

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You could tell me Annette was secretly Paula in disguise all along and at this point I would believe it

They wouldn't have a clue where to look for her. Certainly not at her killing field

GDC

Because the scene of the crime is the last place they'd look

gellaho

I'm starting to believe this is a book about the evils of caffeine

FancyShark

haha, you called it, @GDC . Honor system

gellaho

Although, this is setting up for Paula to get murdered

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Literally came back just to die

gellaho

Golly gee, a metal case

FancyShark

Didn't Kathryn pull this in the last book? Angel was made out to be a creepy obvious murderer, Paula had a fake-out disappearance?

gellaho

Golly gee, a fucking gun

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's extremely generous of you to assume Kathryn has tricks

FancyShark

Less trick, more worry that she's writing the same book again

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I don't know, Paula, probably the people who were at the trip where you fucking murdered somebody last time?!

gellaho

I think your counselor would say, "Where the hell is that psychopathic patient! Holy shit! We are so fucked!"

gellaho

I mean, in the last book the only person to die was a girl who decided to burn to death in the Florida Keys

GDC

If you hadn't run away, you could have asked him.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I know! I'll take the gun and carry it around as an escaped mental patient and convicted murderer! Nothing could go wrong!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Woooo spring break!!

FancyShark

Dr. Raymond sounds great. Like a parent trying to sleep off a late shift

gellaho

Oh, we're doing the thing where we don't identify the speaker. Great.

gellaho

gellaho

Although, if it's in their cabin

That has to be Will

He's the only new person in their group. It can't be Troy he's staying somewhere else

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

At this point I don't think this even qualifies as a murder, this is technically self defense

FancyShark

I hope it's Kelly

THERE is your fucking twist, Kathryn

Ramb$ne

Kelly is the gun

We're on anime rules now, sucker

gellaho

OK, Kathryn, so you've decided to actually make Paula good now?

gellaho

You can't do that

Ramb$ne

She still weighs less than the average glock

gellaho

She was fucking kookoo bananas at the end of that last book

You can't come back from that

FancyShark

I guess a few months eating hospital food is enough to redeem a murderer

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's a good thing mental illness is something you can just snap out of

GDC

Kathryn chooses now to reveal there's been a cowboy sitting in the corner of the room all along.

gellaho

Ah, so the preview was about Paula

gellaho

Who wants to read about what it's like for a young teen to die, again?

FancyShark

Hooray!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

At least this one deserves it, kinda

FancyShark

It's fun because she had a future!

Ramb$ne

We did it, fam

gellaho

At least this time she's not simultaneously burning and suffocating

That was rough

Well, bringing this character back was pointless

gellaho

But at least I got to feel her die

yay?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Submerging in a pool of your own existence" is an interesting way to describe voiding your bowels as you die

gellaho

I honestly don't know what Kathryn expects me to feel at this moment

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nebulous sadness if I had to guess

GDC

That's not your existence. Paula, that's your small intestine.

FancyShark

I feel pity, but I'm not sure for whom

GDC

Us.

Ramb$ne

Scoop me, daddy

gellaho

"Sorry, honey, but you are lifting off the ground as we speak"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Mostly I feel sorry for Kathryn. Imagine never having the awareness as a creator to know your reach left unchecked will always exceed your ability.

gellaho

Lemur-round

gellaho

It's what I count on

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

Brian's spirit must feel great that his murderer was allowed friendship momentarily before being stabbed to death and his bestest best friend could only ski badly in his memory

Ramb$ne

It's how we all want to go

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tbh if you're not skiing badly in memory of me, were we even really friends

gellaho

The most insane part of this is Kelly correctly assuming Nathan is accusing the paraplegic of stabbing someone