#3 Dragonard
The Book Cage: Episode 93 - Tonight We Steal the Stars
In this, the Year of Book Pain, we must salute a fallen star king, a lost Lord of the Exchange, John Jakes by completing the Dragonard saga. With Mitsubishi and Eastman-Kodak out of the way, which corporation will fight our hero this time? How will Wolf Dragonard fare against his ancestors, Maximillian and Robin? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we salute our fallen star by stealing the rest.
RIPIP Jakes
The reason you aren't getting the back cover is because the back is another book
Hell yeah, more Dragonard.
Double feature
Your line up of corporations this time are:
1) Xero - Xerox
2) Genmor - General Motors
3) Raca - RCA
4) Mishubi - Mitsubishi
5) Gullffe - Gulf-Western? Gulf Oil?
6) Arsgrat -?
7) Stanbrans - Standard Brands
8) Easkod - Eastman-Kodak
9) Ibym - IBM
I like how the Dragonard books have gone from warrior to mage to thief
We still haven't figured out Arsgrat huh
It's gotta be MGM
That definitely fits the timeline but then why wouldn't they just be like Emgeem
Jakes had a visit from the cleverness fairy
The one and only
Not for Gullffe. Immensely unhelpful name (edited)
It was a very short visit
@"ol' san antone" jakesy
Double feature
Very little chance I'm looking at The Wagered World
Outside of this illustration
My two brain cells
Certainly worth the 37 cents from that half of the book
"Huh, check it out, Beavis, we're in an eyeball"
"Mheheh, Ball"
Gird your Dragonards, coming up on the top of the hour it's Tonight We Steal the Stars. Here is your burly preview.
There are 7 Stars in 2 Galaxy (Age 9) but only 1 Burly Wolf Dragonard
RIP, John Jakes. You're handing out perfect names in heaven now
I'm still in love with the reveal that he was a Ballard Street character all along
Truly a Book Cage icon
I'm reading that as IL Galaxy, as in Kim Jong Il
Illinois Galaxy
Illinois Galaxy
SCOOPED
Truly a place worse than death
Time to steal them stars
You son of a bitch. I'm in.
Better get out my giant head shaped space ship
I like that the reflective plate on the dudes face is reflecting another face.
Who's face is it? We will never be sure.
I love that cover
A short poem.
Rachel: "No, I still like the nice books you did about that barbarian guy."
Such whimsical flying machines
Those magnificent martians in their flying machines
Someone played Qbert for inspo.
SEE IT AGAIN
The great corporations and Argnet
See again and again, discount tickets for repeat viewings! Matinee at 3!
Place your bets on which of these corporations gets the John Jakes treatment this time
Arsgrat, my mistake
book-dorks
Hi! I'm not really here. Writing 12,000 words about Manhattan hotels due...good lord, last Wednesday.
I'm hoping it's Ibym or Gullffe
We'll consider you here in spirit!
A+ title tonight and a nice dedication.
It's going to suck for you guys when the hero turns out to be Derek Stargirdle, an immortal wizard-pirate hired to retrieve an ultra-dense material from the heart of a Xenon blue giant
Wolf Dragonard was promised!
Stanbrans pffff
Would you say he is the Chosen One?
If you chose General Motors, congratulations
He is the One Who Is Destined
Xerox blue giant in this case
Why are we still invoking this guy after we killed him?
It's a sendoff this time
Are you trying to have lightning strike his grave in front of his grieving wife?
...
We are now
General Motors, for that modern touch in your sci fi.
Also a sign Jakes was a Battletech fan.
To be fair, it is still around and we're sixty years in the future
General Motors created the first fusion engine in like......I think the 2020s in Battletech lore.
So they still have time.
Oh, John Jakes, you glorious son of a bitch
YES
Hahahah "This one is Wheel."
GENERAL MOTORS
The moon is named "Headlight."
Jakes constantly hits that sweet spot between "zero fucks" and "trying too hard"
Is it a disc shaped planet? 🤔
"Our motor-powered space fleet has your planet surrounded, Emperor Honda."
They built the orbital ring dockyard out of rubber.
Oh, boy, you are not ready for this
There is no way to be prepared for this
My unpreparedness excites me.
Behold his glory
In the house he kept on planet wheel he accomplished all that he was proficient in.
HAHAHAHA
As big as a big man's fist!
Manerald is going to stick with me.
Okay...so these are what....parts of a car? Expressways?
A tall big man I assume?
Fully Dr. Seuss there
...the fuck's an "oon"
The seven stars of Subareaux
That's the one that got you?
Also "manerald"
Not the 80 ma\de up words before that?
A white oon
John Jakes wandering the mall going "What if...the Brookstone foot spa were a planet...called...NEPTEDI
What color you think a manerald is?
Hahaha these jewels kick ass.
The color of a colorful man
Try and guess where there is
Blazar?
All the other novels are just "Yeah lets just not give gems different names and use the normal Earth ones." and Jakes thinks that is pansy shit.
this man read a thesaurus and was unimpressed
Looking for congruent time-reality
Jakes has names for fifty different kinds of space stone we dont even get to hear about.
GM has a pocket dimension to store their army
Hmmmm. I'm beginning to think maybe the Seven Stars are going to be stolen, y'all.
Get pumped
genmo: it's like venmo but for your precious, probably-made-up-name gemstones
At least a couple of em right?
Maybe even tonight?
really? you come up with seven fake gem names and the best you can do for a surname is Dragonard? fuck you dude
Where the hell are you two getting these ideas?
Dragonard haunts me, when I get the ps5 thats my new Elden Ring character for sure.
How dare you insult the lineage of Maximillian Dragonard
The name of Dragonard is laden with the history of II Galaxy.
LADEN I say!
that's literally a fucking Yu-Gi-Oh villain
What is the reason he's called Wolf? 🤔
Loves belly rubs
He mates for life and eats raw elk meat.
He chases deer all over the place
If you'll recall, Maximillian's struggle was his mental condition that caused him to go into violent rages. Robin's was that he was a shepherd and a puss.
wait, is his first name Maximilian or is it Wolf
Pees on things so people know they belong to him.
Time to guess what Wolf's is
This is the third in a series about the family Dragonard
Is Wolf a space werewolf?!
I'm going all in on Wolf being unsure of his loyalties
is his name Wolf Dragonard
Please let him be a space werewolf.
Space werewolf barbarian is something I didnt know I wanted until just now.
Looking for alcoholic
if you came into my DnD session with a guy named Wolf Dragonard I'd have told you his name is Pants Chapley now
Dangit!
WEAK
A cop with a drinking problem?!
that's a really clunky way to write your MC's drinking problem in
Boooooooo what is this "Ooooh my hero has flaws." bullshit.
The smashed in facade of a drugdreamer
His ancestor had brain damage that made him a fucking berserker, this is an outrage!
Still, having a bender that takes you out of commission for six months is impressive
his name is Wolf and he's part of a group called the Howlers?
Manpugs love drugs. And dreaming.
Point Nihil sounds fun
Id have guessed it was a lighthouse where you fight God in a Persona game.
Take all your colors and mix them around
Xerox has entered the picture
Probably to copy the splendor of Genmo
Hahahah epaulets like they're in a marching band, House Xero is for nerrrrds.
purple sand, yellow-green water, blue sun, this is either the climax of a JoJo episode or the tackiest backdrop in sci-fi
It's funny how missing the beginning of one of these whiz bang sci fi books makes everything look not like words.
They did invent the graphic user interface
Collegium
To be fair, building a space empire off the back of making photocopies for space barbarians is pretty rad.
It's not like they can read!
They can look at pictures!
Dragonard talks like a protagonist from a Ben Shapiro novel
Exactly!!
It's such good worldbuilding
Student parking can be very obnoxious
I will not stand for this Dragonard slander
Restleave
"Remembered her mouth" is not a romantic gesture
This came out the same year as the last one, FYI
LIIIIPS
Knowing the Dragonard clan he knew Elena for like a half hour after she took his order at a diner.
wait, he was only back for a week when she died? this is confusingly structured
It's better if you imagine Dragonard has a Bard entering the star-tavern ten minutes before he gets there to hype you up.
GIF
Now I'm imagining Dragonard being best friends with Max StarCaster and it's the best
Maybe a bad thing to pack, Wolf
as opposed to the floorboards directly overhead?
Dude can't enforce without his merlot
Or the best thing to pack if you want to get krunk.
Like a real space barbarian, WOLF.
Classic college students, with their medieval weapons
Oh lord, I forgot about his passive voice.
Listen, my dorm mates all owned swords. Still do. This scans.
Pfft, rich kids. Not one bill hook.
that first sentence is pure word salad
And it's a jello salad.
Oh cool he's doing some futureslang.
Dig in. This is Jakes unleashed.
Terse Wilcomply is my new author name
I've heard good future slang, not here, but I have
Porn name
It can be both!
Wilcomply is no "aff" but we can't all be Battletech, Jakes.
Reminder that Magus Blacklaw allowed the Lords of the Exchange to come back to power in the last book
All protagonists are 33.
Everyone knows this, you don't have to tell us.
"Magus Blacklaw" jesus, why not just call him "Baron von EvilBastard"
He was the hero!
Dragonard growled. These Kentstate whelps had no idea whose ire they provoked. Bullets were made to fly at their faces.
Probably a bad idea to let that murderous sociopath with the multiple mustaches bring back the Kodak factory
Which was being run by a million robots, but forget that part
In Blacklaw's defense, he was very done with that story
The Lorrrds of the Exchange!!!
Will not be appearing in this book.
Predates that
They remain in our hearts
Spring break protests. Remember all those as a kid growing up in Daytona
Not in-universe, it doesn't.
All the kids bringing down their maces and corporate apparel
Getting beads at Mardi Gras is not as exciting as getting glassed on Spring Break
Picturing the Lords of the Exchange striding through their spacehalls in billowing robes, screeching "Summon the Regulators in their big ships!"
New name alert
Ohhhh its the guy from the cover!
Conrad Vondamm!
GIF
DIDN'T I SAY
Wrinkles McMetalmug!
ROBES
Doublet and cape!
To be honest when I first saw that cover art I thought Jakes was cribbing off the Metabaron
Conrad is clearly a good guy
Man now I'm kinda sad Jakes is dead, he could have written a hell of a 40k novel.
To hell with a novel. I want a John Jakes 40K rulebook.
"Slipdipitously throw the dice to determine turn order."
"5+ to determine wounds, dead"
Lords of the Exchage: The RPG.
Emit vomit vibrations, now
DARPA is working on that as we speak.
GIF
All six Howlers and now all the rioters are emitting.
I react the same way when I hear Californication
Very quickly breaks
Get the bib of the noble house of Dragonard.
Probably shouldn't have installed the hammock in the first place
Going over? Haha, wait, are the cops conducting trench warfare on the protestors?
Dragonards don't drool but they do have excess chin sweat.
France knows how to party
Hell yeah.
Jannus died as he lived: stupid as hell
It's always fun to tip over a loaded police vehicle, especially when it was previously using a sonic nausea weapon.
Wolf Dragonard very prematurely white haired
Self frying bacon.
Jannus: Potato Battery of the Law
Pictured: Wolf Dragonard
I have to jump out but I'll be back, hopefully won't miss too much of the Nard.
We'll save your seat!
He got sampled a bunch in a lot of popular music so really it's like he never left
How bad is your vehicle tho if touching two levers inside completes an electrical circuit after like......just being tipped over? That's some WW2 submarine shit.
OSHA is gonna be pissed
Policeys
Starfleet doesn't even have vehicles this dangerous
Can't come up with a derogatory name? Settle for cute
These student demonstrators suck.
knowledge of all our cop slurs was lost in the long and treacherous crossing to 2 Galaxy
You could at least call them Reggies or something.
Calling them coppers at this point would be devastating, given the electric circuit death
Beardchin approacheth
The House of Dragonard sigil is a scowl.
Oh is Beardchin the guy anarchists keep telling me I have to read?
RED chinbeard. We have confirmed redhead
✅ Redhead
Scrang
Larrs
"Children, I am Larrs!"
If anyone gets that joke, you get a star
And that's a wrap on Larrs
Larrs certainly was a character
"I know we beat that policeman to death and I tried to stab you, but no harm!"
Larrs you suck, die spitting curses at the cop you tried to stab.
Okay, that's a good description of a wound
He's got the Dragonard RAGE
Which is what I was expecting from that first book
Jakes got there eventually!
I almost read that last sentence as Dragonard just stomping that kid's fucking head in
Dragonard History X
He's on a disintegration rampage, finally.