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gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 93 - Tonight We Steal the Stars
In this, the Year of Book Pain, we must salute a fallen star king, a lost Lord of the Exchange, John Jakes by completing the Dragonard saga. With Mitsubishi and Eastman-Kodak out of the way, which corporation will fight our hero this time? How will Wolf Dragonard fare against his ancestors, Maximillian and Robin? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we salute our fallen star by stealing the rest.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
RIPIP Jakes
gellaho
The reason you aren't getting the back cover is because the back is another book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah, more Dragonard.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Double feature
gellaho
Your line up of corporations this time are:
1) Xero - Xerox
2) Genmor - General Motors
3) Raca - RCA
4) Mishubi - Mitsubishi
5) Gullffe - Gulf-Western? Gulf Oil?
6) Arsgrat -?
7) Stanbrans - Standard Brands
8) Easkod - Eastman-Kodak
9) Ibym - IBM
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I like how the Dragonard books have gone from warrior to mage to thief
"ol' san antone" jakesy
We still haven't figured out Arsgrat huh
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's gotta be MGM
"ol' san antone" jakesy
That definitely fits the timeline but then why wouldn't they just be like Emgeem
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jakes had a visit from the cleverness fairy
"ol' san antone" jakesy
The one and only
gellaho
Not for Gullffe. Immensely unhelpful name (edited)
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It was a very short visit
@"ol' san antone" jakesy
Double feature
gellaho
Very little chance I'm looking at The Wagered World
Outside of this illustration
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My two brain cells
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Certainly worth the 37 cents from that half of the book
Podcast Reference Thrillho
"Huh, check it out, Beavis, we're in an eyeball"
"Mheheh, Ball"
gellaho
Gird your Dragonards, coming up on the top of the hour it's Tonight We Steal the Stars. Here is your burly preview.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
There are 7 Stars in 2 Galaxy (Age 9) but only 1 Burly Wolf Dragonard
FancyShark
RIP, John Jakes. You're handing out perfect names in heaven now
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm still in love with the reveal that he was a Ballard Street character all along
Truly a Book Cage icon
"ol' san antone" jakesy
I'm reading that as IL Galaxy, as in Kim Jong Il
FancyShark
Illinois Galaxy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Illinois Galaxy
FancyShark
SCOOPED
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Truly a place worse than death
gellaho
Time to steal them stars
FancyShark
You son of a bitch. I'm in.
Podcast Reference Thrillho
Better get out my giant head shaped space ship
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I like that the reflective plate on the dudes face is reflecting another face.
Who's face is it? We will never be sure.
Agent of Fortune
I love that cover
gellaho
A short poem.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Rachel: "No, I still like the nice books you did about that barbarian guy."
gellaho
Such whimsical flying machines
FancyShark
Those magnificent martians in their flying machines
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Someone played Qbert for inspo.
gellaho
SEE IT AGAIN
FancyShark
The great corporations and Argnet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
See again and again, discount tickets for repeat viewings! Matinee at 3!
gellaho
Place your bets on which of these corporations gets the John Jakes treatment this time
FancyShark
Arsgrat, my mistake
gellaho
book-dorks
Brendan
Hi! I'm not really here. Writing 12,000 words about Manhattan hotels due...good lord, last Wednesday.
FancyShark
I'm hoping it's Ibym or Gullffe
We'll consider you here in spirit!
Brendan
A+ title tonight and a nice dedication.
It's going to suck for you guys when the hero turns out to be Derek Stargirdle, an immortal wizard-pirate hired to retrieve an ultra-dense material from the heart of a Xenon blue giant
FancyShark
Wolf Dragonard was promised!
LyraV
Stanbrans pffff
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Would you say he is the Chosen One?
gellaho
If you chose General Motors, congratulations
FancyShark
He is the One Who Is Destined
gellaho
Xerox blue giant in this case
Brendan
Why are we still invoking this guy after we killed him?
FancyShark
It's a sendoff this time
Brendan
Are you trying to have lightning strike his grave in front of his grieving wife?
FancyShark
...
We are now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
General Motors, for that modern touch in your sci fi.
Also a sign Jakes was a Battletech fan.
gellaho
To be fair, it is still around and we're sixty years in the future
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
General Motors created the first fusion engine in like......I think the 2020s in Battletech lore.
So they still have time.
gellaho
Oh, John Jakes, you glorious son of a bitch
FancyShark
YES
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah "This one is Wheel."
Brendan
GENERAL MOTORS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The moon is named "Headlight."
FancyShark
Jakes constantly hits that sweet spot between "zero fucks" and "trying too hard"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Is it a disc shaped planet? 🤔
Brendan
"Our motor-powered space fleet has your planet surrounded, Emperor Honda."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They built the orbital ring dockyard out of rubber.
gellaho
Oh, boy, you are not ready for this
There is no way to be prepared for this
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
My unpreparedness excites me.
gellaho
Behold his glory
LyraV
In the house he kept on planet wheel he accomplished all that he was proficient in.
FancyShark
HAHAHAHA
As big as a big man's fist!
LyraV
Manerald is going to stick with me.
Brendan
Okay...so these are what....parts of a car? Expressways?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A tall big man I assume?
gellaho
Fully Dr. Seuss there
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
...the fuck's an "oon"
FancyShark
The seven stars of Subareaux
gellaho
That's the one that got you?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also "manerald"
gellaho
Not the 80 ma\de up words before that?
FancyShark
A white oon
Brendan
John Jakes wandering the mall going "What if...the Brookstone foot spa were a planet...called...NEPTEDI
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
What color you think a manerald is?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha these jewels kick ass.
FancyShark
The color of a colorful man
gellaho
Try and guess where there is
FancyShark
Blazar?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All the other novels are just "Yeah lets just not give gems different names and use the normal Earth ones." and Jakes thinks that is pansy shit.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this man read a thesaurus and was unimpressed
gellaho
Looking for congruent time-reality
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jakes has names for fifty different kinds of space stone we dont even get to hear about.
FancyShark
GM has a pocket dimension to store their army
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hmmmm. I'm beginning to think maybe the Seven Stars are going to be stolen, y'all.
gellaho
Get pumped
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
genmo: it's like venmo but for your precious, probably-made-up-name gemstones
LyraV
At least a couple of em right?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maybe even tonight?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
really? you come up with seven fake gem names and the best you can do for a surname is Dragonard? fuck you dude
FancyShark
Where the hell are you two getting these ideas?
LyraV
Dragonard haunts me, when I get the ps5 thats my new Elden Ring character for sure.
gellaho
How dare you insult the lineage of Maximillian Dragonard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The name of Dragonard is laden with the history of II Galaxy.
LADEN I say!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that's literally a fucking Yu-Gi-Oh villain
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
What is the reason he's called Wolf? 🤔
FancyShark
Loves belly rubs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He mates for life and eats raw elk meat.
FancyShark
He chases deer all over the place
gellaho
If you'll recall, Maximillian's struggle was his mental condition that caused him to go into violent rages. Robin's was that he was a shepherd and a puss.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait, is his first name Maximilian or is it Wolf
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Pees on things so people know they belong to him.
gellaho
Time to guess what Wolf's is
gellaho
This is the third in a series about the family Dragonard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Is Wolf a space werewolf?!
FancyShark
I'm going all in on Wolf being unsure of his loyalties
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
is his name Wolf Dragonard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Please let him be a space werewolf.
LyraV
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Space werewolf barbarian is something I didnt know I wanted until just now.
gellaho
Looking for alcoholic
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if you came into my DnD session with a guy named Wolf Dragonard I'd have told you his name is Pants Chapley now
FancyShark
Dangit!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
WEAK
FancyShark
A cop with a drinking problem?!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that's a really clunky way to write your MC's drinking problem in
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Boooooooo what is this "Ooooh my hero has flaws." bullshit.
gellaho
The smashed in facade of a drugdreamer
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
His ancestor had brain damage that made him a fucking berserker, this is an outrage!
FancyShark
Still, having a bender that takes you out of commission for six months is impressive
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
his name is Wolf and he's part of a group called the Howlers?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Manpugs love drugs. And dreaming.
FancyShark
Point Nihil sounds fun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Id have guessed it was a lighthouse where you fight God in a Persona game.
gellaho
Take all your colors and mix them around
gellaho
Xerox has entered the picture
FancyShark
Probably to copy the splendor of Genmo
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah epaulets like they're in a marching band, House Xero is for nerrrrds.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
purple sand, yellow-green water, blue sun, this is either the climax of a JoJo episode or the tackiest backdrop in sci-fi
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's funny how missing the beginning of one of these whiz bang sci fi books makes everything look not like words.
gellaho
They did invent the graphic user interface
Collegium
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
To be fair, building a space empire off the back of making photocopies for space barbarians is pretty rad.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's not like they can read!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They can look at pictures!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Dragonard talks like a protagonist from a Ben Shapiro novel
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Exactly!!
It's such good worldbuilding
FancyShark
Student parking can be very obnoxious
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I will not stand for this Dragonard slander
gellaho
Restleave
FancyShark
"Remembered her mouth" is not a romantic gesture
gellaho
This came out the same year as the last one, FYI
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Knowing the Dragonard clan he knew Elena for like a half hour after she took his order at a diner.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait, he was only back for a week when she died? this is confusingly structured
Brendan
It's better if you imagine Dragonard has a Bard entering the star-tavern ten minutes before he gets there to hype you up.
FancyShark
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Now I'm imagining Dragonard being best friends with Max StarCaster and it's the best
gellaho
Maybe a bad thing to pack, Wolf
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
as opposed to the floorboards directly overhead?
FancyShark
Dude can't enforce without his merlot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or the best thing to pack if you want to get krunk.
Like a real space barbarian, WOLF.
gellaho
Classic college students, with their medieval weapons
Brendan
Oh lord, I forgot about his passive voice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Listen, my dorm mates all owned swords. Still do. This scans.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Pfft, rich kids. Not one bill hook.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that first sentence is pure word salad
Brendan
And it's a jello salad.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh cool he's doing some futureslang.
FancyShark
Dig in. This is Jakes unleashed.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Terse Wilcomply is my new author name
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I've heard good future slang, not here, but I have
FancyShark
Porn name
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It can be both!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wilcomply is no "aff" but we can't all be Battletech, Jakes.
gellaho
Reminder that Magus Blacklaw allowed the Lords of the Exchange to come back to power in the last book
Brendan
All protagonists are 33.
Everyone knows this, you don't have to tell us.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"Magus Blacklaw" jesus, why not just call him "Baron von EvilBastard"
FancyShark
He was the hero!
Brendan
Dragonard growled. These Kentstate whelps had no idea whose ire they provoked. Bullets were made to fly at their faces.
gellaho
Probably a bad idea to let that murderous sociopath with the multiple mustaches bring back the Kodak factory
Which was being run by a million robots, but forget that part
FancyShark
In Blacklaw's defense, he was very done with that story
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Lorrrds of the Exchange!!!
Will not be appearing in this book.
gellaho
Predates that
LyraV
They remain in our hearts
gellaho
Spring break protests. Remember all those as a kid growing up in Daytona
Brendan
Not in-universe, it doesn't.
gellaho
All the kids bringing down their maces and corporate apparel
FancyShark
Getting beads at Mardi Gras is not as exciting as getting glassed on Spring Break
Brendan
Picturing the Lords of the Exchange striding through their spacehalls in billowing robes, screeching "Summon the Regulators in their big ships!"
gellaho
New name alert
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ohhhh its the guy from the cover!
FancyShark
Conrad Vondamm!
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wrinkles McMetalmug!
Brendan
ROBES
Doublet and cape!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be honest when I first saw that cover art I thought Jakes was cribbing off the Metabaron
FancyShark
Conrad is clearly a good guy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man now I'm kinda sad Jakes is dead, he could have written a hell of a 40k novel.
FancyShark
To hell with a novel. I want a John Jakes 40K rulebook.
"Slipdipitously throw the dice to determine turn order."
"5+ to determine wounds, dead"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lords of the Exchage: The RPG.
gellaho
Emit vomit vibrations, now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
DARPA is working on that as we speak.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All six Howlers and now all the rioters are emitting.
FancyShark
I react the same way when I hear Californication
gellaho
Very quickly breaks
LyraV
Get the bib of the noble house of Dragonard.
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have installed the hammock in the first place
FancyShark
Going over? Haha, wait, are the cops conducting trench warfare on the protestors?
LyraV
Dragonards don't drool but they do have excess chin sweat.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
France knows how to party
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah.
gellaho
Jannus died as he lived: stupid as hell
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's always fun to tip over a loaded police vehicle, especially when it was previously using a sonic nausea weapon.
gellaho
Wolf Dragonard very prematurely white haired
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Self frying bacon.
FancyShark
Jannus: Potato Battery of the Law
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Pictured: Wolf Dragonard
LyraV
I have to jump out but I'll be back, hopefully won't miss too much of the Nard.
FancyShark
We'll save your seat!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He got sampled a bunch in a lot of popular music so really it's like he never left
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
How bad is your vehicle tho if touching two levers inside completes an electrical circuit after like......just being tipped over? That's some WW2 submarine shit.
FancyShark
OSHA is gonna be pissed
gellaho
Policeys
FancyShark
Starfleet doesn't even have vehicles this dangerous
FancyShark
Can't come up with a derogatory name? Settle for cute
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
These student demonstrators suck.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
knowledge of all our cop slurs was lost in the long and treacherous crossing to 2 Galaxy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You could at least call them Reggies or something.
FancyShark
Calling them coppers at this point would be devastating, given the electric circuit death
gellaho
Beardchin approacheth
Brendan
The House of Dragonard sigil is a scowl.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh is Beardchin the guy anarchists keep telling me I have to read?
FancyShark
RED chinbeard. We have confirmed redhead
gellaho
✅ Redhead
Scrang
FancyShark
Larrs
"Children, I am Larrs!"
If anyone gets that joke, you get a star
gellaho
And that's a wrap on Larrs
FancyShark
Larrs certainly was a character
gellaho
"I know we beat that policeman to death and I tried to stab you, but no harm!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Larrs you suck, die spitting curses at the cop you tried to stab.
FancyShark
Okay, that's a good description of a wound
gellaho
He's got the Dragonard RAGE
gellaho
Which is what I was expecting from that first book
FancyShark
Jakes got there eventually!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I almost read that last sentence as Dragonard just stomping that kid's fucking head in
FancyShark
Dragonard History X
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's on a disintegration rampage, finally.
gellaho
Reminder that this guy is in his twenties
FancyShark
Yeesh
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Space meth will do that to you.
FancyShark
Hope he's one of those who just looks forty until they're eighty
gellaho
"You wanna get beaten like Bardix?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Ramb$ne
That man looks like a metabaron
gellaho
You've got the rage, Wolf boy
gellaho
Unlike Robin, who just had sadness and multiple head wounds
FancyShark
That's not fair. Robin had a tan, too!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE:; executing student demonstrators and legally getting away with it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
But still managing to be a sad sack about it.
FancyShark
Yeah, if you're trying to justify your actions via "Well, it was legal", maybe do better?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hate when my protagonist mixes regret and disintigration rampage
gellaho
The moldy cafés of Nihil
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Allergies are fucking HELL in Point Nihil.
gellaho
The dungeon cafés of Nihil
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Halloween bar!
FancyShark
I'm sure the alcoholic will be fine in the wine cellar
gellaho
Looks like Tingo Spellhands spellhands live
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You either die a villain or live to see your spellhands get appropriated by the cops
Sometimes both
gellaho
What a tragedy for the child trafficker
Master Taco
FancyShark
Master Danny Traco
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hey Jakes, what did you mean by "mixed blood"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I mean it, we just hate cops and love hitting things with maces."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Do we need to cancel you now, or
gellaho
He's half smurf
The public gods
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The private gods are all behind a paywall.
FancyShark
God really sold out when He went public
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tale as old as time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This person is the heir to Tiki Traco's Taco Tractor, show some respect Vondamm.
"Yeah but do you think maybe you blasting my eyeballs and brain with lasers might have anything to do with why people were rioting?"
gellaho
Ha'tokens lead to flamethrowering a store
FancyShark
"I see no connection. Now read the chart from the first line."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The fate of all moneyed societies
FancyShark
"High on the narcos." Man, Jakes really gets the hip lingo.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Huh i wonder if that "addicts cant be trusted" is going to be a thing later.
gellaho
We going to explain DP? No? Alright
FancyShark
Dinner Plates
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Diet Pepsi cartels rule Galaxy 2 from the shadows.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Deep Probe.
FancyShark
Disco Policy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dangle Penalty.
FancyShark
Dangling Participles
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diarrhea Preserves.
FancyShark
Donut Prescriptions
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Daft Punk.
gellaho
Dragonard's heroic entrance was somewhat ruined by the laser pointer in his eye
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I do! For I am Wolf Dragon—AGH FUCK, TURN IT OFF"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"ARRRG LASERS IN MY EYES! MY ONE WEAKNESS AS A COP THAT ISNT FENTANYL!"
FancyShark
"DAMMIT, CONRAD!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Im filing a complaint with the space union, you have been TOLD you need to put a safety shade on that fucking thing."
gellaho
Basically
FancyShark
I love you, Jakes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Bawled", the most dignified of the adverbs
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You heard me right, you'll be sent to the Cashiering Planet of Moneydrawer IX!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Last time I peeked in there were lips
gellaho
Ah, due process
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Conrad has to keep his lips moist, he doesnt have much left after the Incidents.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus your name is vondamm and you have a black cloak
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha it never once occurred to us that DP with cops involved meant due process.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I would have thought it more likely it was an abbreviation for something they do with batons first.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Present for DP
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait, is "cashier" slang for "write/written up"?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"How can I do illegal torture if you insist on making me do it according to legal procedure?!"
gellaho
The rage results in the slap
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's a real old term I run across alot in old novels, I think from the context I've always seen it in it means fired.
FancyShark
Love Slap was the B52's unsuccessful follow-up
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
HOW CAN HE SLAP
gellaho
Yee
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
The Month of Burning
Ramb$ne
Yeestack is getting some use today
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yeah torturing prisoners illegally is one thing. Slapping your subordinates? No that is a bridge too far, you're a loose cannon, Dragonard!"
FancyShark
The Month of Burning AKA The Antibiotic Takes A While
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Stellaris Rising? What, did he summon The End or something?
gellaho
Bromdaagar
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Good ol Maltby's Moon, no wonder someone laid seige to it. It's the biggest 24 hour liquor emporium in II Galaxy.
Brendan
Everything that happens through Dragonard only happens TO Dragonard.
gellaho
Drink up, drunky
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark, it's how you know it's a good story
FancyShark
Bromdaagar is delicious with some rye bread and horseradish
gellaho
Sucked thoughtfully
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yee! A guy named Yee! YEECEPTION!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"Did you hear about the Space Jews?" said Yee.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A more convoluted alcohol delivery system than the Black and Decker cube laser from Alien Resurrection
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
I like to think he's making bubbles like with a bubble wand, and you have to chase them around the room.
gellaho
The umber stars look upon the police planet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The steely gaze of Yee.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Kanye West is in this?
gellaho
Maximillian Dragonard was also a regulator with anger issues, you'd think they'd bring it up
Although this might be 700 years in the future, who knows
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Lorrrds of the Exchaaaange!! funnel military grade surplus to local police departments.
Ramb$ne
Yee of our lord 750
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Its fine, we let insane berserkers stay in all the time. Once, one of your ancestors tore the arms clean off a man who spilled space cheese on his tie."
gellaho
We going to explain banns? No? Alright.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"And that wasnt even the guy who kind of overthrew the galactic order so he could fuck a waitress."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Banns are what the squares who run social media hand out when they're too lame for your twisted humor, maaaaan
FancyShark
"Fun fact: He robbed the universe of clean organ transplants"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha what an old ass word to use for paperwork.
Ramb$ne
You're gonna get cashiered with that type of talk
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm too edgy for the policeys, maaaaaan
LyraV
He said it angrily that's all that matters.
gellaho
Dragonard House!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Banns hasnt been in common useage since like before 1900, Jakes. You dusty old fart. When you were born you came out with a puff of mummy dust.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They lost the word for paperwork in the crossing to galaxy 2
It's gonna be a whole nother couple eons before they can circle back around to it on the tech tree
gellaho
Rough stuff for the recently dead
FancyShark
Now the story's about Dragonard House trying to keep the crusty old dean from shutting them down
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's even more dusty now then.
gellaho
How'd it get off the backwater planet Robin lived on? Don't worry about it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A good question, for another time
FancyShark
It's a very long series of head injuries
gellaho
Korb!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Robin probably left it to his son Barrold, who left it to Bortloleo, who left it to Dale, etc.
FancyShark
It's Korbin time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Korb, the homeworld of Korb, the resplendent orb we all cherish.
And Korb Ball, the sport invented by Korb.
LyraV
I'm planning to vacation in Blaze City
Ramb$ne
The spine of that world is twisted and tied
gellaho
Foldofile
FancyShark
The sport of gendered defense and no we're not going to clarify what that means
LyraV
Unless that name is terribly misleading somehow.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
foldofile, as opposed to the rigid files they used to use.
Ramb$ne
Understanding that concept is in the blood of you're from Korb
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fodofile is way more fun to say than jpeg, I'll give Jakes that much
gellaho
Yarm
FancyShark
"Why would the director who hates him station him on a planet full of murderers?" thought Dragonard.
gellaho
The director doesn't hate him
FancyShark
oh, damn
Then that joke did not work
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yarm.
GIF
FancyShark
GIF
Yarm?
gellaho
In a rare case, Star Trek did actually exist before this
So Enterprise is a terrible name to choose
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its better than Unethical Transation in the Capital system.
Nicer parks.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nah Enterprise is always awesome. It's just a great word
FancyShark
"Ah but, see, it's Enterprise like business enterprise! So it's not actionable. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, GENE RODDENBERRY!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Besides all records of Star Trek were lost during the crossing so II Galaxy can't be sued
Ramb$ne
It's probably even more basic than that. USS Enterprise was really famous in wwii
gellaho
Governing Engineer McIlhenny and his technocrats
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
To be fair the Star Trek one is named after a Navy vessel.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Ramb$ne
GIF
LyraV
Yarnham would eat Dragonard alive.
Brendan
Mack for Dragonard. Tell me I'm wrong.
FancyShark
Robin would get two steps out the door
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Every Dragonard is just a different Always Sunny gang member
gellaho
The pleasure port
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Almost any Dragonard would end up never leaving the Hunters Dream because they are too busy ogling the Doll.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'll pleasure your Korb port
FancyShark
The Pleasure Port is a gloryhole with attached foldout bed
gellaho
Flesh theaters
FancyShark
Honestly, it shouldn't even have a name
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's less reliable than USB but its a hell of a lot more fun.
LyraV
Damn you Blaze City I thought you'd be fields of only the dankest weed
Ramb$ne
The pleasure port's motto is "from wharf to wilds"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just casually referencing the fact the Lords are shopping around for sex slaves
gellaho
The first Dragonard to fuck within the book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I also like to barter for booty at cafes.
Ramb$ne
But if you try to steal my drink there I'll tell you it's mine, windbag, mine!
gellaho
Unsatisfactory poontang
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Boo hoo, I miss that woman I never told the reader much about and was never in the boooook."
FancyShark
"He died of dehydration in days."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard catches Hyper Herpes and jizzes his own skeleton out.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Except he didn't! Because WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE
LyraV
I was sad after all that bangin, weep for Dragonard.
Brendan
Is Elena that space-broad he had one space-drink with?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
DRAGONARD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!
FancyShark
We assume so?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I have to assume getting attached to the first random woman who is half kind to you is genetic for Dragonards.
gellaho
Stranger-not-of-Korb
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
HE IS THE UNKORB!
FancyShark
SEIZE HIM!
gellaho
Genemute
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
TAKE HIM TO THE KORBENING CHAMBER!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
DESTROY THE NONKORBLIEVER
FancyShark
ENKORBENATE HIM!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn Wolf, you automatically assume this guy is a pimp. That's fucked up bro.
LyraV
Which beast tho?
gellaho
Most attractive woman of the quality
FancyShark
"Hi. Gene Mute here for all your Korbing accessories."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
KORB!
Ramb$ne
That's where they took all of his Old Friends
LyraV
I mean...space snail dung can't smell that bad.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
...to be clear, Dragonard looks like warmed over shit in a cloak right now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah but he's probably at least one tall man tall.
gellaho
But how high thrusting were her tits
FancyShark
We interrupt your thrilling space adventure to watch a man get catfished
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She is very Korb indeed.
Check out the Korbs on that one!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE STEAL THE STARRRRRS!!!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"Why does everyone wear a cloak, Jakes?"
"You think I'm gonna describe a fuckin' wardrobe?"
FancyShark
She's got a Korbin' form
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Space people love that Korb-glass figure.
waggles hands in vaguely non-Euclidean shape
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She's got Korbs and she knows how to use 'em
gellaho
There's the boner
FancyShark
He wants to climb St Helene
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Last names are strictly a third base proposition
gellaho
And immediately skyjacked
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I've seen Disney movies with less awkard boner metaphors
FancyShark
Happens to every guy at some point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah nice, skypads, like footpads but in the sky.
FancyShark
Dagonard?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Good job, JAkes.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
everyone says everyone's full name so I'm picturing everyone talking with a southern Georgian accent
FancyShark
Oh haa, Wylie Dunnnn
gellaho
Gentledame
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man, how many tall mans tall was the tall man?
FancyShark
GASP! Could he be the Standard Tall Man of Measurement?!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
gentledame and gentlesire, the two space genders
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hope this is just a random robbery and not related to anything, and Dragonard just gives these guys their shit and they leave.
gellaho
Open them cheeks. With a knife.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You forgot Korb!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Taddeus
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh my god he's called skypad because they're footpads but in the air fuck off
LyraV
Dragonard is used to being greeted with failure
FancyShark
Hell yes on the new title, @LyraV
gellaho
Complete destruction
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
space cops train you in knife throwing?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The knife flew like a silver insect, except more weighted than that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Eugh I hate it when I kill guys with foamy blood, its so much harder to get out of the drapes.
FancyShark
"He tore his knife out of the man's head" is more metal than I expected
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, the early Cybermen were a bitch to clean up after
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Self cleaning blood with foaming action sounds like a good idea but it just leads to worse problems.
gellaho
Dragonard the Gigalo
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The exchange between Korb and Enterprise wouldn't happen to require a lord, would it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait, what the fuck did she want with him in the first place?
FancyShark
The D
For "Dragonard"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I guesss it wasn't clear that this started as a booty call
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah the Mr. Blobby alien was a Korb pimp I think
gellaho
It was pretty clear
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sometimes when you are fabulously wealthy and an aristocrat, you just want a beefy individual to stand around your house for a while.
FancyShark
First a gross guy asked him if he wanted to meet a pretty lady
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sometimes nude, sometimes oiled up, sometimes feeding you grapes.
gellaho
Just fucking in front of the robot
FancyShark
Sometimes load bearing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The robot gets to watch and record for later viewings.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
ideally you want a mix of genders and ethnicities and maybe species if you're in space.
FancyShark
The robot wants to know what it means to be human. Except this is not the setting to ask that.
gellaho
Baldur Brightstone cucked from the grave
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so far all we've gotten are horny silver sable and what sounds like a boiled danny devito
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
there are several schools of thought on that, regrettably
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Baldur died tragically when a sprig of mistlekorb pierced his skin.
gellaho
His boss was black
FancyShark
Bringing on Korbnarok
gellaho
Also, there are only like four characters so far
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh good, now all we need is for his boss to get nude and oil up and feed me grapes.
FancyShark
This conversation took an unexpected turn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
So I can experience true opulence.
gellaho
This can only end well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not so much a fall off the wagon as a headfirst dive, then
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is going to end with an attempted stabbing and I'm not sure who the perpetrator will be
FancyShark
It's his cheat month
gellaho
Craxbilladyes
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Bout to see what happens when a Korb tries to play pool with a cooked noodle
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Look, all I want in life is for a group of beautiful people to feed me snacks while I lounge on a divan or possibly a carved couch while wearing a loose tunic, for about an hour.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I know he's trying to describe the business the Mishubi house is in but it reads like the planets are run by japanese space radioshack
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Mishubi is telecomms?
Did. Did Jakes mix up Mitsubishi with somebody else?
FancyShark
Mitsubishi makes lots of different things!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
probably Nokia
Ramb$ne
Air conditioners are a firm of telecoms!
That's Finnish
Mitsubishi used to make a ton of tvs
gellaho
To give you an idea of when this was made, the Mitsubishi Motors branch didn't even exist yet
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh fuck. carry on then
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jakes remembers when Mitsubishi made wooden bombs for the Emperor.
gellaho
If only I was explicitly told to stay sober!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"wylie my love" he's been there five days lady!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They weighed "like chunks of metal". Unclear as yet how many tall mans that works out to
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn this lady is going full Zsa Zsa Gabor.
gellaho
Lapichem lab
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
he could just say they were heavy but why use 10 words when 100 will do?
FancyShark
Lapichem! I choose you!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Wylie-love" is trying too hard, Helene. Dial it back
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha "Artificial scarcity is why these rocks are worth stealing, even tho they can be reproduced in a lab."
Excellent plot device, no notes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They're not even magic?!?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she's spilling the entire plan of her heist to a guy she literally tried to buy off the street less than a week ago
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Korb is the only magic in II Galaxy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They're just "whatever happens to be backing the economy at the time"??
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And maybe friendship.
gellaho
Booze will do that
Jenny, master tactician
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We're breaking into Korb Knox for costume jewelry
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
yeah no shit lady
gellaho
Fulldrive is near Transmission City
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I love when Jakes throws a normal name in there, we get Yee, Wolf, and then he'll toss in a Jenny to keep us on our toes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
J-j-j-Jenny and the Jetsssssss
I like how "thief-girl" is its own profession
gellaho
And pass out
LyraV
Classy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's a very specific track and people get it confused with Girl Thief, which is VERY different.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is starting to feel more and more like a hastily re-tooled Conan script
FancyShark
If the plan was less complicated, she could have revealed the whole thing before passing out
LyraV
Hey we've all passed out while the stringharps thunder, I'm not judging
sorry 'thunder-loud'
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I'm pretty sure the author wrote a series about a Conan-ish kind of character, I hope we get some of those someday too.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Conan the Korbarian
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
now Helene's gonna try to kill him for knowing too much
gellaho
Your pretentious doublet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Barbarian fashion check?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Immense tapedrums revolved" is really painting a picture here
Hahahaha he's got fucking Tom Bombadil boots. Fuck this guy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so he's dressed like if Ronald McDonald went to a Renn Faire
gellaho
Dundundun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
SHE LIED!
LyraV
genuinely one of my worst nightmares
gellaho
Dundundun
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
all his naming conventions are so dumb I honestly didn't catch that baldur brightstone was a fake name
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Try........Korb Korbisson?"
FancyShark
It was all a ruse devised by the con artist Helen Brightrock!
gellaho
Very Flintstones
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait I thought he got fired from the space cops?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Wolf vows he's learned his lesson and then one planet over he gets the same trick pulled on him by Helen Shinypebble.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Helen......Elen......Elena.........IT WAS HIS DEAD WIFE THE WHOLE TIME!
gellaho
You don't have to be a cop to tell the cops about crimes
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
ah so he changed jobs to space narc
gellaho
I have been had!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Wolf Dragonarc
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The cops dont fire Dragonards, they send them on super secret squirrel missions to backwater shitholes that somehow are incredibly important.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's a very "springtime for hitler" retirement scheme
FancyShark
The ol' Brigadoon Bamboozle
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Uh.........Sir. We have been monitoring you with a spy drone. You just came here and like stared off into space for like a week, and started talking to rocks."
gellaho
Yee is incredulous
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this seems like a really elaborate setup for what amounts to gaslighting an alcoholic ex-cop
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"We would have done something but it was really really funny when you started fucking that hole in a tree."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Incredulous Yee is a Soulsbourne character
It's funny that Wolf worries Yee thinks he's been on a binge because he totally has
gellaho
The drugdreams!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also what is up with the typesetting in italics?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's him thinking to himself
gellaho
They also had holographic projectors in the last book, but forget about that
FancyShark
It's a method to show internal thoughts
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I know it's weird to imagine a Dragonard thinking, but roll with it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
no I mean the typesetting for the italics looks funky, like the words aren't on a straight line
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I hallucinated all this on a drug trip." is not a great defense when you are worried your boss thinks you were fucked up on the job, Wolf.
LyraV
It never worked for me
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Huh. Yeah, that is a little weird now that I notice it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The heist is very real tho.
Which makes this a really roundabout way to either taunt a cop in the most expensive and unprovable way possible, or someone is VERY concerned about not being outed as a snitch.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The stones are fake. The heist is real. The Nard is Korb.
gellaho
Accusatory judgments
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"programmed a query" jesus why not just put her name in a search box dude
wait, HALF A DOZEN MINUTES?!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jakes wrote this when you did computer shit with punch cards.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He had to program the search box first
The height of technology in 2 Galaxy is DOSbox
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
did they just stand around for six minutes while their ancient space computer popped out a result?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah.
FancyShark
"You are a drunk though."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
and there's no intervening conversation? they just stand around for six minutes in complete silence while the computer beep boops?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its like when you were downloading porn with an early modem, and you would just watch as the picture came thru.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Lords are hogging all the good computer parts to mine for Bitcoin.
gellaho
Control-rod those microbooks, baby
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God I love how gonzo people thought analog tech would get in the future.
FancyShark
The best place to hide a computer is behind more computers
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"they called me mad when I made a Kindle collection for each book in my library, well who's laughing now?"
gellaho
Bludblom and Waterloo
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
ENTERTAINMENT STUDIOS
IT'S FUCKING MGM
TOTALLY CALLED IT
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
bludblom sounds like a Rick and Morty character when you say it out loud
gellaho
The old psychodynamics lab
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Or Metalocalypse
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Yee is so dead
FancyShark
It's where they test how flexible your crazy is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"linked platinum instruments" is a fancy and tactful way to say platinum plated dildo nunchucks.
FancyShark
Damn. And Yee was only three elderly men away from retirement
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's amazing how he can come up with fancy sci-fi descriptions that aren't the least bit informative
gellaho
Dundundun
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"sloping walktube" also known as a hallway
also someone call HR for the wall
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Unreliable narrator? Gaslighting? Or did Jakes just forget? Find out, real soon, because Jakes doesnt leave plot threads to simmer very long.
FancyShark
Hallway in SPAAAAACCCCE
gellaho
Better use the false name the people gave me in the forced hallucination
gellaho
They definitely won't recognize it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's so Wylie!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait why is he getting surgery?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Because disguise!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm glad we're getting a dry reading of his itinerary instead of an action sequence or dialogue scene
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
how does he have the money for a Face/Off routine?
FancyShark
Nine days under anesthesia is going to have some side effects
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I thought he was jobless
and spent most of his retirement on gambling
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nope. Yee didnt fire him.
FancyShark
He very clearly is not fired
gellaho
He was taking a temporary leave of absence
Vehicular empire
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like cops do when they explode a bunch of civilians and slap a coworker.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
JUST SAY CARS YOU FUCK
FancyShark
Sausage, I know flippant is part of your name, but show some respect. A cheek was slapped.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Behold, Dragonard; Planet Detroit!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The fact that Wheel doesnt have a mobile city on wheels is just such a lost opportunity.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"transpos" if there's no functional difference why change the name
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Because it's cool
gellaho
He meets Jenny Sable and her manboots
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
J-j-j-Jenny and the Bootsssssss
LyraV
No one was getting high in Blaze City lots of missed opportunities
FancyShark
"They're made out of genuine man!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she's dressed like a photo negative of Leela from Futurama
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wolf gotta eat his weegeebles.
LyraV
I could go for some moonmelons
gellaho
Watch out she's got a hamper! And pointy ears!
FancyShark
The vendor looked on in irritation because the "Don't Handle the Weegeebles" sign was very prominently displayed.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Stop being weird about mixed blood, Jakes!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
ah yes the first thing I always think about when I see a hot thief is if they're mixed race or not
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It won't age well and I don't want to field uncomfortable questions when I recommend these books to my friends!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Her ears are........pointed but on the bottom......shes a reverse elf?!
FancyShark
Look, in the future, Swirl is very popular
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Elana who?
FancyShark
"I'll remember you forever or until someone hotter shows up, my love."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"notice me, hot space lady!"
gellaho
Dream corn
FancyShark
Dream corn is corn where the entire bag pops evenly and you don't get any leftover kernels
gellaho
"Aw, jeez, I was so uncool"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Makes really good cornbread.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dreambread!
FancyShark
"Maybe I can impress her with my drinking problem"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Surprisingly good with honey made by nightmare bees.
gellaho
Tits out for alewife
FancyShark
Oh no!
The ultimate test of a Dragonard!
Can he get through a pub visit without falling for the waitress!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
a shirtless waitress, to boot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but little bells for earrings would be interesting but annoying to wear.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If he minds his manners the barmaid is going to clean out his Malodorous Sewage Trench later tonight
gellaho
An eraso
FancyShark
ew
Brendan
alewife like the fish?
That topless bartender is really bad at reading people.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You can't tell me Dragonards wash. Nothing you say can convince me
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
when in doubt just slice off half a word and stick an "o" on the end, that's how you know it's spacey
Brendan
Which is a skill you need in the topless bar trade.
Take it from me, I spent 18 hours in Portland once.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And not a second more.
Brendan
eraso the ronin of regulamurai
FancyShark
I am Eraso the Proofreader!
Brendan
I only stopped in Olympia for 50 minutes getting there, and that about 500 feet into city limits. I was dodging snowstorms the whole journey.
Then I met Brockway! It was an eventful day.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The snowstorms heralded his arrival
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If you trick him into saying his name backwards you get a huge advance for your book about Hip Hop for Dogs.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's like the Bed of Chaos, you have to get past his AoE and then basically any attack you can land on him is basically a deathblow
Brendan
Jenny Sable: Bar table constable
gellaho
A week later, Dragonard decides to rob some emeralds and attack some Regulators
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what the fuck is a weegeeble
Brendan
They fly their big ships into the bar every time someone gets pickpocketed?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's how Ensign Chekov says vegetable
Brendan
What a terrible way for you to discover you are one.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its like a carrot but if you stand it on end it wont fall over.
FancyShark
It's one of those boards with letters and numbers on it people pretend can communicate with ghosts
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
part of me wishes he'd just call them space-whatever instead of a stupid fake name, at least that'd be more descriptive
FancyShark
Tax deductible fuel ups
FancyShark
Roll with it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jakes demands you use your imagination and tell him what a weegeeble is.
FancyShark
Otherwise, you're in for a really painful rest of the book
gellaho
That certainly sounds more boring
Brendan
How many regulators are there? Is it like cops? I thought it was like Federal marshalls.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
well my imagination is currently spitting out a ball with "missing texture" splashed on it like a bug in a video game
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think regulators are just space patrolmen
gellaho
He is tazed once
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's porous if that helps you paint a mental picture.
gellaho
Twice
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Three times a Dragonard!
gellaho
Indeed
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
christ even star wars just calls them stun batons
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
But only sometimes
gellaho
Three times with Tom Swift and His Electronic Rifle
gellaho
Ten years after this
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh this was the sixties? that explains a lot
FancyShark
"We could have just increased the voltage, but we're trying to wear out the batteries so we can requisition newer models."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We hadn't yet researched stun baton naming
Brendan
They tazed their bro.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Calling them wands is more on brand for the space fantasy vibe.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just another crazy night in StarWizard City!
Brendan
Dragonard scowled. Electricity would regret this honorless attack.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wands are something that exist in the same world as a man named Tingo Spellhands.
FancyShark
I do like the image of cops saying "Cast Lightning!" as they taze a drunk
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Cops do in fact hurl bean bags at people with the intention of non-lethally removing them.
gellaho
"Yeah, I could have told you beforehand but this was more fun
Brendan
LARPD
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Dragonard's doing a reverse Steele!
FancyShark
Eleets!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is the fucking Chief referring to his own employee like he's his boss now?
LyraV
You banged my men hard, didn't call them afterwards. It broke Donnelys heart.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if Dragonard's a cop you'd think he'd have just had something set up ahead of time instead of getting his ass tazed trying to look cool
gellaho
I can't tell you anything
gellaho
Also, I refuse to answer your second question
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"My drug induced hallucination said it was."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Jakes has no concept of time scale
FancyShark
The boss gives him a goodbye tazing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Good enough for Yee, good enough for thee."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
>shows up
>beats up all his own colleagues
>refuses to elaborate
>leaves
FancyShark
Fucking hero
Or psychopath
One of those at least
gellaho
Sweat
FancyShark
How large of hands?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Probably as large as a large mans hands.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At least one large hands' worth of large
gellaho
Vroom vroom
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Not necessarily a tall large man tho.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
leagues per hour?!
no sense of scale
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A league is how many tall men long again?
Or is that measured in long men?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
250 leagues per hour is like, breaking the sound barrier levels of fast
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
20,000 Leagues Around Daytona
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
FancyShark
20,000 Tall Men Under The Sea
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
250 lph is 860mph
literally supersonic
FancyShark
Is that a problem in the science fantasy book?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The cars go so fast they jump into hyperspace, it's fine
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
only if you have no idea how big a league is
gellaho
I'm pretty sure we have vehicles that broke the sound barrier now
FancyShark
Merging lanes is harrowing
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
House Genmo has all the best bullet cars.
Something something NASCAR reference.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"perhaps the poor found some twisted ways to worship the symbols of their oppression" said the cop
gellaho
Never had to maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn a maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn before
But here we are
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE
gellaho
"Let me drive, I've only had like 8 beers"
FancyShark
FancyShark
I'm not sure I like the hero setting up a drunk driver just to remove him from the picture
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I'm trying to picture what the hell a "driving blip" is
FancyShark
It's like a blop, but lighter and faster
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You ever see a bubble canopy on a fighter jet? It's like that.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Almost as sleek as a blep but just a little bit less expensive.
gellaho
Vroom vroom!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nard V Ferrari
gellaho
Wheeeeeeeee
FancyShark
Dragonard vs Singing Albino
Brendan
Dragonard really ended up in a Burt Reynolds comedy this time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Carjacked by a carhorny albino drunk is not how I thought this would go.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if he wants the albino guy out of the way you might as well let him go on the drunken joyride. He'll crash himself into a wall going at the speed of sound and atomize
FancyShark
But what if he misses?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
at that speed and that level of inebriation he's gonna hit something
gellaho
A frantic gentleness
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's funny because this whole time I thought Dragonard was the horny albino drunk
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah work that guidebar. More......frantic gentleness.........almost there.
FancyShark
With chaotic placidity
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
is the guidebar supposed to be a joystick or a steering wheel
FancyShark
Probably should have checked before they got on the highway
gellaho
High-assed is back and better than ever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The word guidebar is raising a lot of questions that were already answered by the word guidebar
FancyShark
Drinking really takes it out of you
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Look, its a thing I was born with, you try living with your buttcheeks under your shoulder........NEVERMIND! Pull over or I vaporize your face!"
gellaho
Dragonard finds the automatic steering, just in time to get hit in the Dragonards
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
surprisingly maneuverable inside the driving blip of this supersonic transpo if he can double knee a dude from the passenger bucket
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Drake Dragonard, 1000 years in the future, winks out of existence.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that is the dumbest thing I've ever typed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSIBah fuck it you get it by now
gellaho
A pleasant way to go
FancyShark
"Now freeze"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE STEAL THE STARS
gellaho
Oopsie
Brendan
Everyone knows your soul can't leave your body if you seal all your orifices.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if he's got a huge crater in his sternum you'd think that'd fry his trachea and thus his ability to speak
Brendan
Oh wait, my buddy actually wrote a rad horror story about that.
FancyShark
Yaw that transpo, Dragonard
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
a black pit on an eight lane highway what the fuck is with this planet
jesus why would you put an ejector seat on your supersonic car? you'd get jettisoned and instantly full-body degloved by g-forces
FancyShark
It's fine. The embankment cushioned his fall
FancyShark
The dealership charges extra to disable it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Inertial dampeners in your bucket seats mean you can eject from your hypercar in safety and style.
gellaho
All in all, a pretty good day
FancyShark
GIF
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait I thought this was a packed highway? why are there suddenly no cars?
gellaho
It was a test track
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just like that guy on The Expanse!
gellaho
Highways generally don't have banked turns and pitstops
FancyShark
Or Goose!
FancyShark
Civil engineers are gutless cowards
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the descriptor for the pitstop made it sound like the car was self-repairing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Hahaha why is this all its own gif, what the fuck
gellaho
Inject it directly in my veins, Jakes
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"seamy"?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Quackorium!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Why wouldnt it be?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"had a thriving aborto business til the space courts overthrew Robo v. Wado"
Brendan
Dr. Hercularis: Wookie Zoidberg
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Dr. Hercularis is a top tier name for a comic book doctor who makes a superstrength formula and injects it into like a baby or a dog.
Brendan
I remember the day Muldoonsworld criminalized abortos
gellaho
That cialis really helped my massive bruises
Brendan
Oh shit, this quack speaks Gunslinger High Speech.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shortly before the Blockade of Coat Hanger IV.
FancyShark
This is extra weird to me because there's a store in my town called Muldoon's
Brendan
The furry, dewlapped monstrosity in white lab coat crossed the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Im immediatly picturing this doctor as a wookie Gabby Hayes.
gellaho
The quack introduces him to the sexy knife, I mean Jenny
FancyShark
Proof that knife guys want to fuck their knives
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard has some really interesting pubic scars.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I feel like we could have avoided several weeks of fuck-ups by starting here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
But that wouldn't have been fun!
FancyShark
If we started here, there would still be an albino out drinking! This is better!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Jakes really did wanna just be R.E. Howard minus the suicide and not being able to talk to girls.
gellaho
Time for some probing
Brendan
Technically, no matter how you do it, the knife is fucking you.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
You can fuck a knife, but the knife will be fucking you harder.
FancyShark
GIF
Brendan
Dragonard's belly scowled.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
sounds like the only fuck Dragonard's about to get is of the mind variety
Brendan
Whitley Strieber's COMMUNION II
So does Walken just not own eyebrows?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Thats what the loop at the bottom of kunai are for.
FancyShark
They're retractable
gellaho
Probes seem pretty bad for the prober
Brendan
Regular or nictitating?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
damn, Lazaret's on some good shit
FancyShark
In winter, regular. In summer and mating season...
gellaho
Think about the length and thickness
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
In the mating season its both, it lures the females in so the Walken can grasp his mate by the face with his pharyngeal jaws.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's my secret, cap
FancyShark
"Hey, Lazaret? Haha, sorry, funny story. I didn't switch the inhibitors off yet. So don't try to probe his brain or- Laz? Dude?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"All I can see is some kind of wall? Also i hear a chant about making something great again? It's probably just psychic echoes."
Brendan
Boy Dragonard really Duned that Burt Reynolds comedy.
FancyShark
Dragonard thought about mice with tiny swords and spears
gellaho
The tentacles penetrate the wall
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Mr Dragonard, tear down this wall
FancyShark
Colonoscopies get weird in the future
gellaho
Good news, his thick wall killed the psychic
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"SOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU LIKE SUIKODEN?!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
seems like kind of a waste of a good psychic if you're gonna introduce him and kill him off in the same scene
FancyShark
Yee later admonishes Dragonard about killing one of their best psychics
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its not suspicious at all when you kill someone who was supposed to be probing your mind to see if you were suspicious or not.
LyraV
you can have ladylike gutter fury.
gellaho
Or he just passed out
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
"Ladylike Gutter Fury Lyra"
gellaho
He's the eraso from earlier
FancyShark
Thank god her breasts were taken into account
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
is it a shitty old sci-fi novel if we're not objectifying women?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jenny Sable is basically PS1 Lara Croft, with her sharp breasts and pointy earlobes.
LyraV
This might be the best thing I've ever heard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just once I'd like a shitty old sci fi novel to objectify a man's tits, just to shake things up.
gellaho
Jenny's cat shipment has arrived
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"you nearly killed the guy trying to vet you, wanna know about our entire operation?"
Brendan
On our planet, the hairy nipple is considered the most erotic, as with all advanced civilizations!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
*Is genuinely hoping there are cats.
Brendan
(I KNOW women have them, you don't have to tell me. Just send pictures if you need to prove a point)
gellaho
A very expensive shitbeast
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
magus has a name, gellaho.
LyraV
This explains a good portion of Barbarella.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
ew it's the reddit cumjar
FancyShark
Sbarro: Origins
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oooooh so this is how mozzarella is made.
I always figured it was gross.
LyraV
this broke me
FancyShark
Double fuck yeah on new title, @LyraV
LyraV
its too fucking funny
gellaho
A shock absorber, if you will
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Ew, it's the Reddit cumjar
FancyShark
Syrup lakes?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
right next to the treacle mines, presumably
Brendan
I'm bothered that everyone liked that joke except for Ferroday, whom it was meant for.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The peanut butter swamp was drained years ago to make room for a gazebo.
Ozzie
Pandering deserves no less
FancyShark
Wafflop commissioned the lake's construction
LyraV
Someone was playing Candyland while they were writing
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
sorry I missed it, I'm splitting attention between this and a youtube video essay about theranos
gellaho
My boner is upsetting the mission!
Brendan
Theranos was right!
FancyShark
It's high school all over again
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what is it about this guy that makes women wanna fuck him on sight?
Brendan
he's angry about everything.
FancyShark
His Dragonards
FancyShark
Kratos pulled
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
all he has done is bumblefuck his way through this whole escapade, he should look, sound, and feel like wringed-out roadkill
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
We dont get to know but his jokes are amazing and he smells like baking bread.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just like Raiders of the Lost Ark!
LyraV
Holy shit when did the Lords of the Exchange show up? Did I miss that? the fuck are they doing and don't say lording over the exchange.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Does being on this planet make Dragonard a Wheel idiot?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Dragonards are a long line of wheel idiots in a galaxy that has long forgotten what to call them
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cos sharp tittied space women love them some Wheel idiot.
gellaho
Bollix the monitors
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Running lights being a thing in space is such a quaint idea.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
kinda hate how much time is passing and how little it seems to matter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And in the book!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Time passes slower in the book cage
It's like the hyperbolic time chamber but we're just reading
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
well I guess a 60s fiction writer is used to long periods of faffing about
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When Gellaho closes the door it becomes a stasis cube so the books are fully outside time.
gellaho
That seems a good a place as any to stop
FancyShark
We partly did it!
LyraV
Pfff I missed the face inside his forehead
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh yeah is that supposed to be II as in 2, Second, or is it an i and an l together
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A FULL WEEK FROM NOW WE STEAL THE STARS
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
So pauses the 93rd Edition of the Book Cage
LyraV
everyone was on point tonight
Thank you @gellaho this was one for the Nard
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I was right about Arsgrat which means I win book cage forever. You all saw it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
like the tits of a hot alien thief-girl
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
gellaho
Just a villain who hasn't been around for the last seventy pages
It makes it very hard to judge how long a book is when it's in 8pt font and attached to another book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My moment of triumph, immortalized forever
FancyShark
Hell yes on the title, @Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Brendan
By the grace of the gods I'll be through the ring of fire this time next week.
and I will need a summary of tonight.
But first I gotta turn in two Hot Dogs, oy vey.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You're gonna do it Brendan, you know why?
Because WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE
FancyShark
Wolf Dragonard was seduced by a hallucination, beat up some fellow cops as a cover story, infiltrated a criminal operation intending to steal the stars, and was horny for a lady other than his dead wife. He also killed or coma'd a psychic that tried to probe his mind using only his mind.
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 93.5 - Tonight We Steal the Stars
Wolf Dragonard and his merry band consisting of a lady thief, a junky psychic, and some kind of electric shitbeast, have finally decided to steal the seven magic gems held by the Star King of General Motors. How will they capture the precious fictional gems on the planet Wheel? How is any of this real? Find out, in the exciting conclusion to the Dragonard Saga this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
FRIDAY NIGHT WE ACTUALLY STEAL THE STARS
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I can't wait to find out what Dragonard bumblefucks into that makes him weirdly attractive to all the women in a 10 mile radius
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Money? Probably money.
gellaho
Discord wouldn't let me put "shitbeast" in the event
gellaho
Little under an hour until Tonight We Steal the Stars resumes. Here's a reminder of where we left off.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dungish Effluvium is the name of my new garage band
FancyShark
Having given a false flight plan, ground control was unable to get the path clear for them and they smeared across the side of a space freighter. The End.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Once again, let me pretend I can book party while I very slowly watch Marvel movies for minute details on a 3" wide, watermarked screen set to 5% brightness.
gellaho
Let us resume the process
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
sup dragonerds
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE STEAL THE STARS FOR REAL THIS TIME
Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion
dragon nards?? oh
gellaho
Rehearsals, everyone
Brendan
"I tossed and turned all night thinking of YOU, you...you--MAN!"
FancyShark
It is vital that they be cranky during the heist
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Pffft, "rehearsals". A real heist party would freeball this shit the whole way through.
gellaho
The cupid of stews
FancyShark
Her tone indicated it was near her style, but not it precisely
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Apologizing to any maaaaaan isn't my style 😎
gellaho
PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY FAMOUS FAMILY'S SIGNET RING
FancyShark
"No. Got it in a box of Apple Jacks"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's where they teach you all the secrets of Jurisprudentialness, in case you were wondering
Brendan
No son of mine is going to get expelled from Wise Judge School! You'll sell space-grommets without the aid of my name!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dragonard: a family name that instantly invokes… lions and phoenixes.
FancyShark
I hate you, Space Dad! I'm gonna run away and join the Space Marshalls!
gellaho
The romance under the shitbeast
Brendan
this guy has Steele dad pheromones
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Don't get used to this either."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Make out with me, Dragonard! Make out with me in front of the cum creature! It eats Taco Bell shits for fuel!!"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
OMG it's already 5
FancyShark
Hyperventilating Turd is everyone's favorite scifi creature
gellaho
Dragonard is great at this undercover thing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
His name is Glup Shitto and I'll thank you to remember it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
people fall in love fast in this book, haven't they only known each other for like 3 whole fucking days
Brendan
This guy's still pining for a woman he had ONE drink with
FancyShark
First book, it only took a drink order
Brendan
until Jenny healed his heart.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Time dilation in space means they've been courting for like a month
Brendan
And that is why she must die.
GDC
The 'no damn good' was referring to his use of tongue
Brendan
To love is to be weak
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also like, he's doing this under a false identity, so he just kinda comes across as a shitbag for stringing her along romantically
Brendan
The life of a Dragonard demands total devotion to destruction of one's enemies.
FancyShark
And bonks on the head
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE TONGUE AWKWARDLY
FancyShark
Stop stealing my pickup lines
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
IN II GALAXY, ONLY WOLF DRAGONARD CAN MAKE THE ROMANTIC UNROMANTIC
gellaho
That was an Maximilian. A hundreds year old ancestor
Brendan
Nope, they're all reincarnated.
All one dude.
Same soul.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
for a guy morning his dead wife he seems to get into romantic trysts awful fast
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
gellaho
Complete dimensograms of the congruent dimensions
FancyShark
If Dragonard is revealed to be a Metabaron, this might be the day time collapses
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Metanard!!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"dimensograms" also known as blueprints
or perhaps a map
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
It would make a lot of sense
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
but this is 60s sci-fi land so everything has to have an unwieldy fancy techno name
FancyShark
Nels Brix sounds like the name of someone who would fail
GDC
Nels Brix is a real Glup Shitto of a name
FancyShark
That's your entire eulogy, Nels. Hope you liked it.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
The complete opposite of the iconic Tingo Spellhands
Brendan
Our destiny awaits--THERE! On planet Magna Vox!
gellaho
He died drunk driving an experimental race car. There are worse ways to go
FancyShark
For every action, an equal yet opposite reaction
FancyShark
lol, I forgot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nels Brix: Defied All Expectations
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if I was an albino with a name like Nels Brix I'd be an alcoholic too
gellaho
You'd think the hypnolearnee would work better than nearly one hundred mistakes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They used to think that about me, too, so I feel that
Brendan
In space the people who have albinism are at the advantage.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait what does he need to hypnolearn? doesn't he have the dimensograms or w/e?
FancyShark
"Hypnotize yourself smarter" is very 60s
Brendan
I think Sean's done three articles about the Hypno-Kings of Blarblurblon
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is right in the middle of MKUltra
all we're missing is something ripped off an episode of star trek and drug-induced brainwashing and we'll have the full 60s sci-fi bingo
Brendan
MK PENULTRA
gellaho
You generally don't carry around piles of diagrams while performing a heist. Little unwieldy
FancyShark
Sounds like someone's bragging they didn't need the dungeon map
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh right this is the far future that still uses tape decks and has search engines with 6-minute result queues
gellaho
Probably a bad idea to have one third of your crew be a drugged out psychic on the verge of death
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
you don't
gellaho
Oh, also, twist
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Or it's a great idea!!
FancyShark
FAKE WIFE IS REAL!
No, I don't know why I remembered his gaslight date but not the sweet car chase
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she had to come back up at some point
FancyShark
"I mean actual silver. Metal hair. Actually, wait, that's a helmet."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Dragonard sabotages the ship by shoving the rod into the pile
Brendan
I mean it's working for 1-900-HOTDOG so far
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
pile of what? and what ship?
FancyShark
I think we've all stuck rods in piles at some point
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not in a long time, sadly.
FancyShark
A clanging pile means clocks
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also like, he's a space cop and he was investigating these guys who are trying to do a jewel heist, he's clearly got enough evidence to arrest them, why doesn't he like, do that?
FancyShark
They haven't done anything yet to warrant an arrest
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
conspiracy to commit a crime is still a crime
FancyShark
That would be boring
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The legal basis for charging conspiracy was lost in the crossing to II galaxy
gellaho
Dude's on a shpaeship by himself, what's he going to do, fly the ship and keep them in the nonexistent brig?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
sure, but that was also the whole point of him going undercover in the first place, yeah? like this feels like Jakes forgot that bit
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
That makes sense because it's run by a bunch of nigh-immortal robber barons.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wasn't he in contact with the local police like 4 days ago when they tazed his ass?
LyraV
Nooooooo not Dragonard
gellaho
On a spaceship right now
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Ooo, what's all this important legal papers I'm leaving in the airlock? Oh whoops, I just vented thousands of years of jurisprudence into the sunless void, silly me!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
don't they have space phones? or did I miss that bit
gellaho
Anyway, the sabotage causes them to return to Fulldrive
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Love a false start in our adventure narrative
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
to be clear, that's on the Wheel planet right?
LyraV
Does Saxony mean something?
FancyShark
The Sun Hasn't Set Yet So We Are Still On Track To Steal The Stars Tonight
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah Totally
LyraV
I don't know if it's just a reference I'm not getting or a word I've never heard before.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's a state in Germany
gellaho
It's the name of the ship they're on
FancyShark
GIF
LyraV
They named their ship after a German tourist attraction? Got it clear. Thank you
FancyShark
Saxony
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
This.
Different sax?
GDC
Nothing good ever came of the saxons meeting the angles.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You would not believe how many squatters there are on the ship name market
LyraV
But if someone told me a banner was Saxony Id assume it had something gross on it.
GDC
Like some saxons
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Well that depends on your feelings re: the Germans
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so they've heard enough of Earth to know of a German state/province but not words like map or car
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, what of it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its a better name than the name I give my ships in games. I once flew The Rigellian Cumbeast for eighty hours.
LyraV
Wait no I meant like a literal banner and it got dragged through the mud and someone was like 'no don't raise that banner, it's saxony'
Sorry it's been a long day
FancyShark
We once had to figure out what when wrong with the USS Disaster
gellaho
Dragonard uses the "get out of here, I never liked you anyway!" tactic
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
How much time ya got
FancyShark
Turned out it blowed up
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
To be fair the Cumbeast was pretty alright for a cargo vessel.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It could hold a lot.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Not that agile on the turn but what cumbeast is?
FancyShark
"You're tearing me apart, Jenny"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait, isn't Regulators sniffing around what he wants?! he is one!
GDC
Jenny's going to sic her cumbeast on Dragonard
FancyShark
He's undercover
Brendan
Dammit, you, you MAN! How can you be so hard-hearted, like a MAN!?
Tears sprung to her femininelike space-eyes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
maaaaaan
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
breasts heaving with an hysterical, womanly sob
gellaho
It would be pretty weird for him to tell that to the person he's investigating
LyraV
heaving AND thrusting
gellaho
Back at Wheel Precinct, RIP Yee
FancyShark
NOOOOOOO!
Brendan
Dragonard regarded her nipple-jiggles icily. If only she could know...but she could never know...what he could never say aloud: he was in love with those tits...and the woman they owned.
FancyShark
HE WAS SO CLOSE TO YEETIREMENT!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
HOOODAAAAAAAAAX
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Gotta push her away, check that bingo square
FancyShark
He is the Hodax. He speaks for the Yees.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Hold the ax!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
All the best assassins are hopped up on drugs all the time
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what is it with 60s male protagonists calling people "mister" when they're angry? this dude and fuckin' Cyclops both do it
GDC
Yeah, an assassin is much more plausible then a trucker on meth
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
1940s daddies
Brendan
Planet Wheel. Part of the Hot star system.
Drugdreamers sound metal though.
GDC
Planet wheel, known for it's idiots.
FancyShark
They keep getting entangled in the affairs of Planet Carpet
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Homeworld of the Dragonard Clan!!
LyraV
Drugdreamer sounds like something I should have on my resume.
Sounds dope
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Dope, I get it
gellaho
Of course, everyone knows the P Quadrant
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
From the mind that brought you 2 Galaxy
FancyShark
hahahahahahaha
GDC
Isn't that Elon Musk's kid's name?
FancyShark
"Message?"
"A group of letters and numbers. But that's not important right now."
LyraV
I'm doing really great lmao I may have dreamed too many drugs. Or not enough.
gellaho
The P Quadrant always feels like it's at the end of the galactic lens when you have to take a leak
gellaho
DUN DUN DUN
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If there's an asteroid in your P quadrant it means you need to drink more water.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
he's ended two different scenes with the same twist
FancyShark
Even twistier!
gellaho
The O-O Quadrant is famous for it's bombs
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
O-O what's this
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Funnily enough the OYO quadrant is known for big natural bombs as well
FancyShark
Realtime is many manhours long
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
khamzun o-o
flying fourteen hour trips through quadrant o-o
gellaho
Self-doubt, that dirty whore
GDC
This quadrant naming system doesn't make sense
LyraV
I imagine dealing with Wolf Dragonard in realtime is exhausting.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you could say when naming the quadrants he didn't mind his Ps and Qs
FancyShark
Good for Wolf. For an alcoholic, it took him until the fourth thought to think of booze
gellaho
He was about to drink rubbing alcohol, so don't give him too much credit
FancyShark
Dammit, Wolf!
LyraV
Self doubt is sexy it's hard not to be seduced.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Yeah, sure, it's medicinal- and daddy needs his medicine!"
FancyShark
There's falling off the wagon and then there's running out in front of it hoping to get run over
gellaho
The long-d spectro of the halated ball
FancyShark
IfyaknowwhatI'msayin spectro
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Consider running a spec, though
GDC
I thought I'd try for a half-spec first. I'm out of shape.
FancyShark
hold up
"Touched the ball on all four sides"?
gellaho
It's probably nothing
FancyShark
This ball is a box!
FancyShark
Check Engine light
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
ah yes, space is notoriously oxygen-rich enough for open flames
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What part of WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE don't you get
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also again with the lack of sense of scale, they're tens of thousands of miles away from each other here
gellaho
I imagine those would be complex instructions, considering those are two very different actions
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
even with the lack of gravity how could you possibly hope to hit jack shit with any accuracy at that range
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Evade-Destruct, for when you just don't give a shit anymore.
FancyShark
"Dodge or whatever"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"eh fuck it I'm not writing a dog fight in space, I can barely measure distance out here"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Dealer's choice"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait if they're just seeker mines where did the flame come from?
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have filled those gloves with razor wire
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
were the mines shooting at him?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The flames came from the same place as whatever cut Dragonard's hand
GDC
The evade-destruct is running a little rich
FancyShark
"A month ago, he would have found the fact that the duck-billed platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs to be incredible. Now, he was too jaded to blink."
Brendan
this button is why video games stopped being fun, starting with Arkham.
gellaho
The long-d reveals all
Brendan
"Hey Batman, dodge that asteroid for me and then kick Tingo's ass."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
honestly I might respect the writing more if it was a literal parry button
Brendan
If your ship has automated destruction-evasion, shouldn't it just be like...on?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"I'm calling you fat, Helene."
FancyShark
We can't use the toaster if it's on.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
and we're certain this was written before Star Wars
gellaho
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Star Wars wasn't exactly a beacon of originality
FancyShark
Or scientific accuracy
gellaho
If only there were some sign that this asteroid was booby trapped!
FancyShark
Except for wookies. Those are fact.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
His throat clogged? Did he swallow his chewing gum on accident?
GDC
Hey he's got the magnet boots from face/off
FancyShark
Magnaboots remain one of the most fun mechanics from Ratchet & Clank
Brendan
This series is mighty particular about when it's magic and when it's science.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
seems like Helene heard about Jenny
gellaho
Oh, fuck yes, John Jakes. You brilliant man!
FancyShark
We're going to find out the asteroid was a giant flail
ahh, there's the Jakes Don't Give a Fuck
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
says the man that has slept with, and killed, more people "on screen" than Helene
GDC
You mile wide, stab-happy metal slut!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
GIF
gellaho
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Hey I've patented that
gellaho
A wad of malleable blowup
Brendan
For
my wife (Borat voice) Rachel,
who might turn out to be something of a homicidal slut
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Which we will then call by its proper name, "explosive", in the very next sentence
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus he's not even trying anymore
Brendan
This is just to say
I have eaten the asteroids you left in Wheel system
Forgive me
They were so cold and vacuous
FancyShark
Embrace it. This is the good shit
gellaho
The only person he's had sex with was a human Helene in a hallucination
Brendan
Plastic explosive, as you TERRA-MEN call Horror Putty.
FancyShark
And yes, it can still take comics off of newspapers. We're not animals.
gellaho
Next up, gray gas
FancyShark
A neutral gas
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SPHERE, the hit sequel to CUBE
gellaho
Nothing happened.
FancyShark
Clicking heart is a serious medical condition
gellaho
STEP INTO THE OCTAGON
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Nothing happened", incidentally, makes for a solid summary of the plot thus far
FancyShark
Bill Wallace is there, saying random shit while Brian Kilmeade irritates Jim Brown and Kathy Long
gellaho
Behold the heroin couch
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It was like the hypnochair but far more sophisticated. Instead of hypnotizing you it just stabs you to death with meth needles.
FancyShark
If you're going anywhere past 20 IV hookups, you might as well mix all the drugs in a blender and power chug
gellaho
John Jakes invents deep fakes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
DIY Interrogator Droids from II Galaxy get the job done.
Brendan
Helene was gorgeous, but sure could fill a room with gas.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard has his mind blown by something almost any videogame could do now.
Brendan
He's doing a Force Awakens inside a Winter Soldier!
gellaho
Sixty years is a long time
FancyShark
"I had holosex" is a weird revelation
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So if you don't pull out during holosex, does it just kind of. Fall through?
Brendan
Hashashin space camp training, I tell ya. All Dragonards are implanted with the Dragonard identity.
FancyShark
hahahaha
Brendan
You have to give it up to Jakes, he came up with ALL of the blockbusters.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, is this holodeck rules orrrr
FancyShark
They did all of this instead of getting his boss to tell him "go undercover"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Sign of a great plan
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I knew he was in actuality just hunched over fucking a boulder for three days in the woods.
gellaho
They have to clean that couch a lot
Brendan
Helene, using the toilet. Helene, baking you a cake, but it's too dry. Helene, listening to Helene with an ugly face while forlorn stringharp plays. Helene, having sex with your best friend but you're secretly into it. Helene, tearfully confessing the affair as you feign anger. Helene, after makeup sex, saying she wants to indulge your fantasies as you dare whether or not to tell her you'd like them to continue the affair.
gellaho
Who couldst this caped individual be?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Seems like a real roundabout way to call 911.
gellaho
Oh, right, the guy on the cover
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh this bastard again.
Brendan
Helene, but she's Sharon Stone and your hot aerobics wife, trying to kill you.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Metalface McNottheVillain von ReallyforReals.
gellaho
Vondamm does everything butt first
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So the barrel is pointing upwards at the ceiling?
If he goes for his gun and shoots himself in the shoulder I'm going to laugh so hard.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or if the regulation sidearm is a lasery wand thing, explodes his hand when he grabs it.
gellaho
If we keep killing people, it won't be suspicious!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
AAaaaarrree the stakes substantial?
Really I dont know, VonEvilguy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The stakes most definitely are.
The most stakes of all time. Yes.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Seems like you could just replace artificial gems pretty easily but what the fuck do I know? I think diamonds are just shiny rocks.
gellaho
I WANT YOUR PARKING SPACE, DRAGONARD!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What a great motive
GDC
Vondamn's quest for 2 extra weeks vacation that comes with that pay grade
gellaho
Fuck yes, suggesto cube
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah that tracks. Assholes are radicalized by being passed over for promotion alot.
And suggesto cube fuckin rules.
FancyShark
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They operated one into his brain!
It's just in there now!
It's never coming out!
FancyShark
Camera pulls back to reveal a cube-shaped lump in his skull the size of a small car
gellaho
The lip action in this book is currently at 5.23 Hawkes
gellaho
GDC
Your lips wouldn't be so mangled if you'd just stop picking at them.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, try some chapstick my dude, god damn
gellaho
Damn your shiny head!
FancyShark
"It's on."
"It's off."
"It's on."
"It's off."
"That's called blinking, boys."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He fucking flashbanged him with his face plates
I can't believe it
Those things had a purpose
gellaho
How dare you compare me, Wolf Dragonard, to an animal!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its no wonder why sci fi people have hand to hand weapons in everything. They lose guns so often they might as well not have them.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Names too filthy to print!
gellaho
I definitely don't have two animal names in my name
FancyShark
"Thanks for letting me still be compared to a cool animal."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You have a stupid haircut, you spotty cumdonkey!"
GDC
you're a clumsy bear, wolf. A real aardvark of a camel.
gellaho
It's a dignified death
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Your mother was an elderberry, and your father smelt of hamsters!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At least Vondamm died having a good time.
FancyShark
"You're more than I can stomach, Vondamm. Wait, shit, I shot you in the balls."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
About what, I haven't the foggiest.
gellaho
Don't you hate it when your viscera gets all over your crotch?
FancyShark
He sobbed like a gutshot woman
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He sobbed like a stupid woman, like a useless slut, like a homicidal whore—
I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yes, stealing the stars. Here we go;
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Took him a whole minute to pass out after having his back walls blown out. That's some endurance.
And this is how many people Dragonard has killed at close range? But this one is threatening to make him vomit? Space flu?!
gellaho
Well, I guess might as well steal the stars now that my boss and mortal enemy are dead
FancyShark
"I have no dignity. Make love to me."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Do.......do people fuck in public alot?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
More than you'd think but less than you'd hope
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Does she watch it?! That seems like a her problem.
Brendan
A suggesto cube, or as you GAIA-DWELLERS call it, GHB
Brendan
HYPERSUGGESTO
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I kept trying to think of which channel GHB is on the TV because my brain thinks "TV = Suggesto Cube" and did not remember its also a drug.
"Is that the one with Piers Morgan?"
"No thats the BBC, probably GHB is more fun."
gellaho
Beautiful pumice
Brendan
To be fair to Jakes, my research proves most women sob when gutshot. Hi, I'm a Johnny Cash song character.
GDC
Dragonard can recognize pumice from 30,000 feet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Starts humming "Cocaine Blues"
gellaho
I AM NOT A COP
FancyShark
"Criminals smack of police. I hate crime because I hate law. I'm a stealer man."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Veins burst in Dragonard's face as he visibly represses the urge to scream "STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I AM VERY NOT SUSPICIOUS! YOU SUSPECT NOTHING. BOOBS!"
gellaho
What could go wrong carrying the shit beast while wearing all white
FancyShark
This plan is called Operation: Tempting Fate
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Seven Stars will juuuuust barely cover their dry cleaning bill, it's fine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
THey're gonna save SO MUCH on their energy bills tho, you guys.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
left to make dinner, what did I miss
oh good the cumjar's back
FancyShark
Big bad got shot in tummy and died
Heist still hasn't happened
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that's about what I would expect by now
FancyShark
I love how this is the third book and Jakes still can't have narratives play out side by side. Every subplot gets its own chunk of the book and everything else stops
gellaho
They landed perfectly, but also got fucked up by the pumice. Now Dragonard has stained his beautiful white clothes
FancyShark
Dragonard's been losing a lot of blood in this story. He's gonna be anemic by the end.
gellaho
Then he slashes up the psychic for no reason
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's like a human blood sausage, he's blood all the way thru.
Brendan
Maybe he borrowed Lazaret's blood.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just an accidental wrist slashing, that's never killed anyone right?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And then Lazaret gave him the biggest puppy eyes and left, sadly
gellaho
The fanboat security of general motors
FancyShark
Lazaret's hand falls off. He looks disappointed.
LyraV
Sorry for slashing you, I was drunk hope these flowers ease your pain
FancyShark
Fuck yes! Jakes gave us airships!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Functionless propellers"
So they don't work?
So the ship shouldn't fly?
gellaho
The general motors party boat
GDC
Really more like pinwheels
FancyShark
The Weinermobile 2000
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is gonna make a great Arsgrat pictoflic someday
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"ah, I conveniently failed to notice this giant blinking sign that says "OSTENTATIOUS"
gellaho
An exquisite shrug
FancyShark
Dragonard is thirsty for some Laz
Or he's filled with guilt
Or rage
GDC
Really going all-out on that shrug
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hornguilry
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
You really don't want a loose shitbox
FancyShark
lol, it has a bad wheel
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is why you get a hover dolly for things like this.
FancyShark
Just to make it that much worse
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I forget why they need the cumjar but I'm sure its absolutely critical in a way that makes total narrative sense vs just using a bomb.
GDC
Shouldn't have put the tank in that cart they stole from a grocery store
gellaho
Electrowalls
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The size of two man's sizes!!!
gellaho
It sucks electricity, so they'll use it to disable the electrowalls
GDC
Is Dragonard as tall as a tallman?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Triple barrier, but how many tall men thick is it?
gellaho
Ten, always ten
Even in non-Jakes material
FancyShark
hahaha, they're lugging a turd to throw it at the electric fence
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Taaaake THIS!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
out here that's just the local homecoming prank
FancyShark
...
Well, we tried
gellaho
Stink increase
FancyShark
It has elevated to stank
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Rage farts are real, tbf
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's shitting and farting with anticipation
GDC
Hanger farts
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I feel really attacked by this passage for some reason.
GDC
It's making me angry, and gassy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sloshes discontentedly
gellaho
Begin the piss sequence
FancyShark
Pissing on the electric fence first
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
depending on how much you've had to drink, it's a great way to get electrocuted
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I got my brother to do that once.
Brendan
You don't have to tell us Dragonard scowled, we assume.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Fear shits are where the real money is at in the '20s.
gellaho
The piss energy is infectious
FancyShark
The entire security team for the building is standing ten feet away, eating popcorn and watching silently
gellaho
Although most of the 950 men were dead due to the century that passed
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
ONly nine hundred and fifty?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I feel like I need a cigarette, preferably one with a stupid sci-fi name
FancyShark
Well, 949. Gary had to go check the circuit breaker.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Listen: Wolf Dragonard has come unstuck in time.
gellaho
So it goes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ashida Kim would tell you only like ten people can possibly fight you at one time, so basically it might as well be like three each.
gellaho
You really need a twitchy guy on your heist
LyraV
It was bound to happen
FancyShark
Helmets fold?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
duh
Brendan
LIIIIIPSSSS
GDC
GIF
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
helmets are widely known for their lack of structural integrity
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
More of a fashion accessory than PPE when it folds, but whatever. Space helmets.
gellaho
Bedeviled by children's drawings
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I also have magic stick men patrolling the grounds of my fortress. It keeps the food bills low.
FancyShark
That tune? Uptown Funk
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And those limbs are deceptively pointy.
GDC
Ah, they arrived during the GM Ren Faire
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Great attribute for undercover work
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Come the fuck on, Wolf.
Brendan
Those things kill more people than they save.
gellaho
He doesn't need booze, but does need drugs
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh she's totally hanging him out to dry in the third act
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I mean also you shake like a chihuahua on space meth when you smell alcohol, and you take a tarry difficult shit every hour."
Brendan
Think I want shards of anything hard enough to protect my skull driven into my head at combat speeds? No thank you, LIBERAL GLOBALISTS>
FancyShark
RIP, Bob the Builder
gellaho
You want 950 guards, but keep most of them asleep
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A precog but who tells everyone when the party is over and they should go home. Nice.
FancyShark
A tired guard is a fussy guard
Brendan
Space is on very strict solar rhythms.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ten of the awake ones are making runs for warm milk and reading stories to the ones that cant sleep.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Literally on the throneworld of the Lords of the Exchange and they still don't get paid enough to deal with this shit
gellaho
I know what will fix this drug problem: drugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You can't even buy a house on Wheel for what I make guarding Lord Genmo's stupid fake rocks."
Hahahah your precog ODed before the heist even really started?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'M TOTALLY NOT MURDERING THE REST OF MY HEIST CREW SO MY TAKE WILL BE BIGGER GUYS.
FancyShark
You know what could have saved Lazaret?
D.A.R.E.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you dont know your dealer.
gellaho
It'll be fine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"These psi boosters were cut with powdered sugar!"
FancyShark
I mean, he wasn't that good of a precog if he didn't see this coming
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
IN SIX HOURS WE STEAL THE STARS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Good enough for PreCrime, not good enough for Judge Dredd.
FancyShark
Dredd has standards
Wait, I mean bullets
gellaho
The congruent spatula dimension
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just one woman locked in a room with two addicts, what could go wrong?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Judge Anderson can see the future AND make heads explode.
Probably.
gellaho
Probably
FancyShark
Jenny's bedside manner is lacking
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha you likely killed him, Jenny your plan was really lacking in a couple aspects.
GDC
That stabbing earlier probably didn't help.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly, recruiting drug addicts wasnt even one of them. Like this heist is predicated on you waiting around for six hours and not being discovered.
Imagine if like Heat was six hours long.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
it wasn't?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if there's 946 guards and 30 are active at a time that indicates rotating shifts, how the fuck could they not get discovered
LyraV
'Will we actually come back for him' 'Probably'
FancyShark
Damn SAT problems
gellaho
XXX
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gonna Sam Fisher that shit I guess.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not Safe For Dragonard
Yeah, the Stars are literally priceless you dolt! They're artificial!
They can just make more!!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I still like "manerald"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that is the tackiest solar system display I have ever heard of
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This orrery kinda sucks
FancyShark
It was this or black velvet
GDC
It's like an astrolabe at Mar a Lago
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lord Genmo looks suspiciously orange and has small hands, squints alot.
gellaho
Yum, syrupy blackness
FancyShark
Jerk that cable, Dragonard
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And so Wolf Dragonard died hanging himself by accident just like that prick from Tarzan. So it goes.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
with a flaccid, slow moving body like that? not likely
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Vacuum 'em up
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
finally, dragonard sucking is being put to some use
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Imagine if there were no guards because the gems have an alarm on them.
And its LASERS!
Because all the best alarms are laser based.
FancyShark
He's supposed to keep each one in a separate jar so he can die up to seven times and get rezzed
gellaho
Eh, that's probably fine
GDC
He's collected all seven stars so he can become super Dragonard.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Now I can get my Crafting skill to 100!" Dragonard thought.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's a good thing alarm systems were also lost on the crossing to 2 Galaxy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
"eh fuck it I'm done stealing shit might as well leave evidence behind"
gellaho
The other dimensional lighting equipment explodes all over him
FancyShark
Cop instinct
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddammit book, I was fucking kidding about the laser alarm system.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Maybe we should have brought a bigger powerwind?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard is NOT getting an S rank on this mission, he's going to have to reload his save.
gellaho
Laughed like a man laughing
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
evocative, Jakes
real Hugo award shit
FancyShark
Similes are hard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A wild, tall man, laughing tallly.
GDC
Dragonard laughed one tall man's worth of laughter.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Then thought "Fuck it. " and laughed another half tall man's worth of laughter.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just gonna stand around laughing my ass off, it's not like we're trying to be stealthy or anything right?
gellaho
It wasn't easy going down in that hole
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And now Jenny betrays him, and leaves him dangling in that room by his ass.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If only she hadn't wasted all her murder drugs on Lazaret
FancyShark
Maybe don't admit your ED that quickly, Dragonard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"That wasnt easy, going down in that hole.", damn bro, dont put your woman on blast like that, she cant.........ohhhh you meant being dangled for gems. Nevermind.
GDC
You're not supposed to go down the ear canal, Dragonard.
Brendan
Oh Goddammit, this is planet Firestone tires?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The planet didnt split apart so probably not.
Brendan
I guess he picked well in that all of his businesses are extant.
gellaho
Dragonard has successfully led his lady love into a trap he was warned about
FancyShark
Hero
Brendan
"accidentally" bumping off Jenny now that Helene is ready to metal-fuck.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES EXTREMELY LIKELY CONSEQUENCES ALL BUT INEVITABLE
FancyShark
Bet he wishes he didn't beat up the taser cops now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fourty guards each, I hope Jenny brought enough drugs.
gellaho
Diplomatic Dynamite was the name of my punk album
FancyShark
"Don't shoot, I'm a cop. Who broke into your estate."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah you went ahead and did the heist but are still doing what?
gellaho
Jenny takes it well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Qualified immunity bitcheeeeees!!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is so fucking stupid
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly I'd just shoot them both in the face and put the gems back so I dont get fired.
gellaho
"And we'll just wheel out the filmex units whenever someone tells us to"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And damn but poor Jenny has bad luck with people, her companions in this were a cop, a half dead precog, and a jar of shitty cum.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she swapped one shitty alcoholic with a death wish for another
that was also a cop
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Group projects, amirite
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Look, we dont get to use the filmex units alot, its alot of fun and the summer palace is a boring post."
FancyShark
She didn't even get a ninja or a mandroid
gellaho
The blister format didn't really take off
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Buboes may have won the format war in II Galaxy, but real heads preferred blisters.
The Betamax of its time.
gellaho
Waterloo, famously associated with success
FancyShark
I was going to joke they watched the whole heist on camera. Well done, Jakes
hahaha
gellaho
Easkod isn't going to be happy they didn't use film
GDC
Blisters lost the format war to hd-cysts.
FancyShark
He's doing it again!
Brendan
Alright, I officially quit trying to do any of this Marvel tagging. Let's dragonard our dragonasses off.
FancyShark
He's wrapped up the whole nothing story and loaded the final chapter with an actual story!
gellaho
Hot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard evades punishment via gripping paperwork and meetings.
"Also your dick smells, and you like it when I do that thing with my feet."
"And your cum tastes like rye whiskey in a gas can."
gellaho
Classic general motors
GDC
Yeah my manager dresses like that. Makes Teams meetings real awkward.
gellaho
General Motors loves rocks
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"No, I wanted to talk to the Marshal, not a marching band dork."
FancyShark
"Like a rock"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard, you are making demands from a real weak position here.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Now I'm imagining a child CEO
Brendan
Oh, we're still on planet General Motors?
GDC
Yeah, lots of car companies are looking for lithium sources for batteries.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Like a toddler on the Iron Throne.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh god it would be funny as hell if this guy just had them both shot and won, and that was the end of the trilogy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God. Please.
gellaho
The Cadillac of inside jobs
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yes
Yes
Come on Waterloo don't fuck this up. Do it for all the Ians out there.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No, its not piratical. Piracy involves stealing things from ships, this is burglary.
You fucking fool.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Piratical" sounds cooler tho
FancyShark
"We will destroy the resistance by luring three dipshits into a killzone"
gellaho
A very fancy boy villain this time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah I mean you fucked it up so bad, Dragonard.
FancyShark
"Sir, is there something elaborate you wanted done to them or are you just giving them a chance to escape?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I sentence you to DETENTION!
GDC
Waterloo practiced the cape thing in the mirror for hours.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You are SO GROUNDED, mister!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You literally could not have fucked this up more if you tried.
gellaho
Oh, yeah, gimme them fake materials Jakes. You know what I like
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And it was his job to try!!
You're telling me this lite is trans?
Good for them! Good for them.
FancyShark
No, it's trans lite. That means it hasn't committed to the switch but it's supportive
Brendan
Sorry I ruined your life. I did it to protect you. Please love me. I can't say it back. Glub.
gellaho
Ask your physician about Theracouch
Brendan
Oh shit, she's folding her arms! She's ready to forrrrrgiiiiive!
"Damn it Maverick. I think I am falling in love with you."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"YEs, I know we are in a cell, exactly like you would be if I HAD betrayed you, but baby I swear I didnt mean to do the thing I was sent here to do!"
FancyShark
Lazaret is having the worst day
GDC
Theracouch promised things they couldn't possibly deliver.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It mostly just delivers IV Theraflu.
gellaho
Yum, green goo
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh boy, I love lime jello
GDC
"eww. A hazy IPA."
gellaho
Magnokey
FancyShark
Oh no! And Dragonard was so jolly!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its really just a half cantaloupe they found.
Brendan
This is underrated even at 4x 💯
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Whining intensifies" is really more Magus's thing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That door is controlled from a different room entirely.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The key being a "hemisphere of metal" makes me think he's just plugging in the entire doorknob
gellaho
Things are going well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
No! No just kill them!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Is he sure that isn't the refuse pipe? I know they tend to put them right next to each other.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What the fuck are you doing!!
Stop monologuing, you're fucking it all up!
gellaho
"I think that is exactly what my lips said"
gellaho
We are holding steady at 3.4 Hawkes of lip action
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"prevstrike"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Prevstrike" because preemptive strike is too many words for the future
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
This is as bad as Zoomers abbreviating everything
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
On god fr fr
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its giving me Battletech Clan lingo douche chills.
gellaho
You've been sitting in prison for this long and still hadn't figured that out?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Sus, caj (can't even spell it, it's short for casual)
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A supple motion
gellaho
Probably why you don't promote SWAT guys to undercover detectives
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
FancyShark
Dragonard is eventually going to realize he's blown his cover
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Shitbeasts/Wenches/Alcohol Tactics
gellaho
Dude loves militaro
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Well, not so much a WAR, since I dont really think they'll be able to fight back."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
The FreeTerr?
FancyShark
"My boss hated my plan no matter how many times I told him. So I did it anyway."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Genmo Feinstein.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
The indcomps pose a compthreat
gellaho
Everyone loves Bludblom
FancyShark
It's weird that Bludblom even got that high in the organization when all he can say is his name
gellaho
These guys catch on quick
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I like how the narration seems to think Dragonard has the upper hand here when he's still in a locked room with guns pointed at him
gellaho
A descendant of Hans Huygens
FancyShark
Heroic, fat Hans Huygens
Brendan
Grima Bludblom, Image '90s hero
gellaho
You may not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Marshals and the like are like basset hounds. You have to express their war glands for them or they get real jammed up.
gellaho
"I am an idiot! Love me!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"STILL YOU YOU UNUTTERABLE DIPSHIT!" she screamsobbed.
Then the shiv found his kidney.
GDC
Dragonard just got conned by the superior con artist.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Alcoholic domestic abuser" is definitely a more accurate portrait of a cop than I think Jakes was driving at
gellaho
Bastardly Tactic was the name of my punk band
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Said the thief and attempted poisoner
FancyShark
She got over that slap faster than a mob wife
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wait what? No she's obviously NOT an expert thief, this plan was stupid from the get go.
Brendan
TwenCen heroes were something else.
gellaho
Merclamps
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The only smart part was the lightning eating cumjar.
FancyShark
"Your plan involved a colossal dook eating a fence. You're experts, right?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Merclamps are those clamshell things Ariel was wearing, right
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hear they pinch something awful but boy howdy do they make the boobies look perky.
GDC
They were underneath the clams.
gellaho
Being a psychic seems fun
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Just so you know, I totally saw all of this coming"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I.......knew you.......were a cop."
"No, you didnt."
gellaho
A lot of fun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yeah. Im not really psychic either."
gellaho
His ancestral wall of red rage protected him from psychic probing
GDC
Lazaret is the rickety cricket of II Galaxy.
gellaho
It's a wonderful power
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I'm really just hypoglycemic. Does anyone have a sugar cookie I can borrow?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Really all the stuff that made it seem like I was psychic was just cold reading and coincidences."
FancyShark
You can be psychic or you can be a leper with a gun. Those are the only two loadouts left, Laz
gellaho
Adventure!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"My dad once told me never to admit it when I lied and things just got really out of hand."
Be fun if Laz got to keep the guards body or something.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Lazaret mindjacking into the guard outside and unlocking their cell would actually redeem this scene.
gellaho
Dragonard's hands have become sentient
FancyShark
It worked!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fuck. Yes.
FancyShark
Scene redeemed!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah nice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Goldurn it Jakes, you've done it again!
gellaho
Afterglow is an interesting choice of words
FancyShark
"Thanks, Laz. Now mindjack another guard to bring me some raisins. This trail mix they gave us is too salty."
gellaho
Laz? Oh, right, you're dead
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You suck, Laz!!
Can't even get me raisins. Feh.
gellaho
Bring the shitbeast
FancyShark
"Guess I gotta do everything here."
Brendan
For once I'm glad Rex Moran isn't here.
gellaho
Shitbeast going out in a blaze of glory
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This heist is going so well you guys.
FancyShark
And Dragonard immediately succumbs to blood poisoning
GDC
Imagine the stench of the shitbeast explosion.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay. Jenny, as far as guilt goes, you should feel okay about sacrificing the shitbeast, it probably wants to die or doesnt have enough awareness to care about being alive.
gellaho
Down goes Jenny
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well now you fucked up.
Always let the cop take the shots, Jenny.
ACAB.
Brendan
The sun never sets on space Waterloo.
FancyShark
Expert thieves
gellaho
And Dragonard valiant runs to tackle an old man
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Especially the drunk ones that lied to you about being space jewel thieves..
FancyShark
hahaha
Brendan
The star-lords are dropping like Blockbusters out here.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I like how the most powerful people in this setting are uniformly deployed as set dressing.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"He's a thousand years old. Shoot him anyway, Genny Tightpants has led a full life."
gellaho
That is a bold amount of time to ask for
FancyShark
This man is a walking bag of sticks and Dragonard is going to tackle him like a linebacker
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Pebbles rattling"
gellaho
[Street Fighter reference]
GDC
I like how accurately he estimated how long it would take to explain. He respects genmo's time.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Slit that old geezers weasand, you bootlicker.
FancyShark
The ritual gesture is too vulgar to describe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
GDC
The ritual gesture is turning the key trying to get your Chevy to start
gellaho
Truly an intimidating figure
FancyShark
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard is easily impressed and also kind of a servile.
GIF
gellaho
"I know you just said you didn't want a genocide, but I'm going to brag about it anyway!"
GDC
I've noticed this series has a weird pro-feudalist bent.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just a bit.
FancyShark
I think Jakes went for a governing system that didn't require much thought
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jakes wasnt very smart, and people who arent very smart really like kings.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Space fantasy has a weird relationship with modern legalism
FancyShark
Kings can be fun, though. They have pointy hats.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah but anyone can have a cool hat.
gellaho
Probably not worth treating everything as a political treatise
NO PERSONALITIES HERE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Anyway Genmo is no Technopope.
gellaho
The first one ended with Dragonard joining a revolutionary group, but sure
🥐Calmity Chloe, Boyces #1 HATERa
Sometimes they add in lines just for reviews to use
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God Genmo is so old and boring he cant even be a fun space tyrant.
Blow up some planets you old geezer.
gellaho
Accountant to the rescue
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Forensic accounting, the fascist's one weakness!
gellaho
Ware!
🥐Calmity Chloe, Boyces #1 HATERa
You know what I'm constantly thinking when I read sci-fi? "I wonder if they're able to afford all these lasers"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh god its really going to come down to "make the hero and everything he did mean nothing because the real hero was already doing stuff."
GDC
This is like that star trek episode where quark gets the Klingon exiled by proving he cooked his books.
gellaho
Laser guns always take the sideburns first
Brendan
UNNNNLIMMMITED HORSEPOWEERRRRRRR
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And what we wanted was the episode where Quark gets a crash course in Klingon romance so he can lay pipe in that hot warrior lady.
FancyShark
Internal Affairs is not going to believe a word of this
gellaho
The question mark makes this a lot funnier
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Goddammit Dragonard, you really are a loose cannon!"
Brendan
it's funnier if he talks like Forrest Gump in our heads this whole book.
FancyShark
"Jenny? Do I have your number?"
gellaho
AAAAH! MITTEN!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shit Jenny really did have a gun.
Brendan
Bacta tank!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God damn it, Waterloo. Way to blow it at the finish line.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Quit screaming you wuss.
FancyShark
"IT'S WOOL! IT'S ALL SCRATCHY! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You still have your jerking hand.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I leave for two seconds to turn the AC up and look what happens.
gellaho
Hand > Marshal
FancyShark
Get a chainsaw, Dragonard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Eh. Yeah I agree there.
But look on the bright side. now you can become Dragonard Spellhands.
And the prophecy will be fulfilled.
FancyShark
I dare this book to end like Brazil and he's been in the hypnochair this whole time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also he gets depressed about murder alot, huh?
Like get a different job if it bothers you that much.
gellaho
The booze will do that
GDC
Marshalls are plentiful, you've only got two hands.
FancyShark
Now he's Wolf "One Hand" Dragonard
gellaho
Alloy device
Brendan
Truly his ESB here.
gellaho
Sere lips
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I nearly missed my brunch. I bombed the SHIT out of that planet tho. So what was it you said about that thing?"
gellaho
Up to 6 Hawkes
FancyShark
So the massive fleet of ships is gone?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
old and sere.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
HAWKE LEVELS ARE OFF THE SCALE, CAP'N
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The fuck does sere even mean? I should look that up.
Oh.
Genmo needs some chapstick for his old ass lips.
gellaho
"Those other Dragonards are much better than you. Except Robin, he sucked"
Brendan
Big showdown with the old man on the bench
gellaho
The insane screaming of the instigator probably didn't help the invasion's case
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just like the ending of the Matrix
FancyShark
"We also found a lot of waitresses in your family tree"
GDC
That sounds like, 3 star wars.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's more of a throne.
GDC
The Iron Bench
gellaho
Head up, you still have your human penis. And that's all that really matters
FancyShark
She slaps him.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And then stabs him.
And then kisses him.
And stabs him a little bit more.
FancyShark
Then repeats
gellaho
The End
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE DID NOT STEAL THE STARS
But we had a lovely time regardless, thank you @gellaho
gellaho
Now time for upside down The Wagered World
FancyShark
Unfortunately, the Stars gave them both lymphoma and they died sterile three weeks later.
Brendan
A FOAM MITTEN
gellaho
What a great ending
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Imagine if he had a flamethrowiner in that mitten like Psycho Clown.
gellaho
We have defeated Tonight We Steal the Stars and thus the entire Dragonard Saga
FancyShark
We did it!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The end of a Dragonard age
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Space huzzah!
FancyShark
Great work, everyone!
Thank you, @gellaho !
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
IN book-dorks ONLY GELLAHO CAN MAKE THE UNCAGEABLE CAGEABLE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I wonder if the books Jakes wrote about the regular, non space barbarian are as good?
gellaho
So concludes the 93rd Edition of The Book Cage
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
define "good"
gellaho
May all of your sideburns be safe from laser blasts
Brendan
BUT A FOAM MITTEN
gellaho
His North & South series got turned into a miniseries starring Patrick Swayze
Brendan
Luke got a bionic hand that could still use the force!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Holy shit, Jakes was the North & South guy???
gellaho
He's more known for the war books
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay I might have to look for that, it might be delightfully batshit.
Brendan
Okay, time for me to go do whatever it is that Brendans do after work. Which is more work. Or tacos, I dunno.
GDC
Thanks everyone. Rest in peace, Jakes.
Brendan
thanks, @gellaho
Brendan
Now he belongs to the stars
gellaho
FancyShark
"Thanks for taking my picture, you homicidal slut."
