93: Tonight We Steal the Stars John Jakes

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nels Brix: Defied All Expectations

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

if I was an albino with a name like Nels Brix I'd be an alcoholic too

gellaho

You'd think the hypnolearnee would work better than nearly one hundred mistakes

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They used to think that about me, too, so I feel that

Brendan

In space the people who have albinism are at the advantage.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait what does he need to hypnolearn? doesn't he have the dimensograms or w/e?

FancyShark

"Hypnotize yourself smarter" is very 60s

Brendan

I think Sean's done three articles about the Hypno-Kings of Blarblurblon

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is right in the middle of MKUltra

all we're missing is something ripped off an episode of star trek and drug-induced brainwashing and we'll have the full 60s sci-fi bingo

Brendan

MK PENULTRA

gellaho

You generally don't carry around piles of diagrams while performing a heist. Little unwieldy

FancyShark

Sounds like someone's bragging they didn't need the dungeon map

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh right this is the far future that still uses tape decks and has search engines with 6-minute result queues

gellaho

Probably a bad idea to have one third of your crew be a drugged out psychic on the verge of death

Rachel, 2-Ded Krew

you don't

gellaho

Oh, also, twist

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Or it's a great idea!!

FancyShark

FAKE WIFE IS REAL!

No, I don't know why I remembered his gaslight date but not the sweet car chase

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

she had to come back up at some point

FancyShark

"I mean actual silver. Metal hair. Actually, wait, that's a helmet."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

Dragonard sabotages the ship by shoving the rod into the pile

Brendan

I mean it's working for 1-900-HOTDOG so far

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

pile of what? and what ship?

FancyShark

I think we've all stuck rods in piles at some point

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Not in a long time, sadly.

FancyShark

A clanging pile means clocks

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

also like, he's a space cop and he was investigating these guys who are trying to do a jewel heist, he's clearly got enough evidence to arrest them, why doesn't he like, do that?

FancyShark

They haven't done anything yet to warrant an arrest

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

conspiracy to commit a crime is still a crime

FancyShark

That would be boring

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The legal basis for charging conspiracy was lost in the crossing to II galaxy

gellaho

Dude's on a shpaeship by himself, what's he going to do, fly the ship and keep them in the nonexistent brig?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

sure, but that was also the whole point of him going undercover in the first place, yeah? like this feels like Jakes forgot that bit

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That makes sense because it's run by a bunch of nigh-immortal robber barons.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wasn't he in contact with the local police like 4 days ago when they tazed his ass?

LyraV

Nooooooo not Dragonard

gellaho

On a spaceship right now

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Ooo, what's all this important legal papers I'm leaving in the airlock? Oh whoops, I just vented thousands of years of jurisprudence into the sunless void, silly me!"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

don't they have space phones? or did I miss that bit

gellaho

Anyway, the sabotage causes them to return to Fulldrive

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Love a false start in our adventure narrative

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

to be clear, that's on the Wheel planet right?

LyraV

Does Saxony mean something?

FancyShark

The Sun Hasn't Set Yet So We Are Still On Track To Steal The Stars Tonight

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah Totally

LyraV

I don't know if it's just a reference I'm not getting or a word I've never heard before.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's a state in Germany

gellaho

It's the name of the ship they're on

FancyShark

GIF

LyraV

They named their ship after a German tourist attraction? Got it clear. Thank you

FancyShark

Saxony

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

This.

Different sax?

GDC

Nothing good ever came of the saxons meeting the angles.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You would not believe how many squatters there are on the ship name market

LyraV

But if someone told me a banner was Saxony Id assume it had something gross on it.

GDC

Like some saxons

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Well that depends on your feelings re: the Germans

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so they've heard enough of Earth to know of a German state/province but not words like map or car

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, what of it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its a better name than the name I give my ships in games. I once flew The Rigellian Cumbeast for eighty hours.

LyraV

Wait no I meant like a literal banner and it got dragged through the mud and someone was like 'no don't raise that banner, it's saxony'

Sorry it's been a long day

FancyShark

We once had to figure out what when wrong with the USS Disaster

gellaho

Dragonard uses the "get out of here, I never liked you anyway!" tactic

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

How much time ya got

FancyShark

Turned out it blowed up

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

To be fair the Cumbeast was pretty alright for a cargo vessel.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It could hold a lot.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Not that agile on the turn but what cumbeast is?

FancyShark

"You're tearing me apart, Jenny"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait, isn't Regulators sniffing around what he wants?! he is one!

GDC

Jenny's going to sic her cumbeast on Dragonard

FancyShark

He's undercover

Brendan

Dammit, you, you MAN! How can you be so hard-hearted, like a MAN!?

Tears sprung to her femininelike space-eyes.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

maaaaaan

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

breasts heaving with an hysterical, womanly sob

gellaho

It would be pretty weird for him to tell that to the person he's investigating

LyraV

heaving AND thrusting

gellaho

Back at Wheel Precinct, RIP Yee

FancyShark

NOOOOOOO!

Brendan

Dragonard regarded her nipple-jiggles icily. If only she could know...but she could never know...what he could never say aloud: he was in love with those tits...and the woman they owned.

FancyShark

HE WAS SO CLOSE TO YEETIREMENT!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

HOOODAAAAAAAAAX

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Gotta push her away, check that bingo square

FancyShark

He is the Hodax. He speaks for the Yees.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Hold the ax!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

All the best assassins are hopped up on drugs all the time

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

what is it with 60s male protagonists calling people "mister" when they're angry? this dude and fuckin' Cyclops both do it

GDC

Yeah, an assassin is much more plausible then a trucker on meth

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

1940s daddies

Brendan

Planet Wheel. Part of the Hot star system.

Drugdreamers sound metal though.

GDC

Planet wheel, known for it's idiots.

FancyShark

They keep getting entangled in the affairs of Planet Carpet

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Homeworld of the Dragonard Clan!!

LyraV

Drugdreamer sounds like something I should have on my resume.

Sounds dope

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Dope, I get it

gellaho

Of course, everyone knows the P Quadrant

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

From the mind that brought you 2 Galaxy

FancyShark

hahahahahahaha

GDC

Isn't that Elon Musk's kid's name?

FancyShark

"Message?"

"A group of letters and numbers. But that's not important right now."

LyraV

I'm doing really great lmao I may have dreamed too many drugs. Or not enough.

gellaho

The P Quadrant always feels like it's at the end of the galactic lens when you have to take a leak

gellaho

DUN DUN DUN

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If there's an asteroid in your P quadrant it means you need to drink more water.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

he's ended two different scenes with the same twist

FancyShark

Even twistier!

gellaho

The O-O Quadrant is famous for it's bombs

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

O-O what's this

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Funnily enough the OYO quadrant is known for big natural bombs as well

FancyShark

Realtime is many manhours long

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

khamzun o-o

flying fourteen hour trips through quadrant o-o

gellaho

Self-doubt, that dirty whore

GDC

This quadrant naming system doesn't make sense

LyraV

I imagine dealing with Wolf Dragonard in realtime is exhausting.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you could say when naming the quadrants he didn't mind his Ps and Qs

FancyShark

Good for Wolf. For an alcoholic, it took him until the fourth thought to think of booze

gellaho

He was about to drink rubbing alcohol, so don't give him too much credit

FancyShark

Dammit, Wolf!

LyraV

Self doubt is sexy it's hard not to be seduced.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Yeah, sure, it's medicinal- and daddy needs his medicine!"

FancyShark

There's falling off the wagon and then there's running out in front of it hoping to get run over

gellaho

The long-d spectro of the halated ball

FancyShark

IfyaknowwhatI'msayin spectro

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Consider running a spec, though

GDC

I thought I'd try for a half-spec first. I'm out of shape.

FancyShark

hold up

"Touched the ball on all four sides"?

gellaho

It's probably nothing

FancyShark

This ball is a box!

FancyShark

Check Engine light

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

ah yes, space is notoriously oxygen-rich enough for open flames

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What part of WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE don't you get

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

also again with the lack of sense of scale, they're tens of thousands of miles away from each other here

gellaho

I imagine those would be complex instructions, considering those are two very different actions

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

even with the lack of gravity how could you possibly hope to hit jack shit with any accuracy at that range

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Evade-Destruct, for when you just don't give a shit anymore.

FancyShark

"Dodge or whatever"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"eh fuck it I'm not writing a dog fight in space, I can barely measure distance out here"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Dealer's choice"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait if they're just seeker mines where did the flame come from?

gellaho

Probably shouldn't have filled those gloves with razor wire

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

were the mines shooting at him?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The flames came from the same place as whatever cut Dragonard's hand

GDC

The evade-destruct is running a little rich

FancyShark

"A month ago, he would have found the fact that the duck-billed platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs to be incredible. Now, he was too jaded to blink."

Brendan

this button is why video games stopped being fun, starting with Arkham.

gellaho

The long-d reveals all

Brendan

"Hey Batman, dodge that asteroid for me and then kick Tingo's ass."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

honestly I might respect the writing more if it was a literal parry button

Brendan

If your ship has automated destruction-evasion, shouldn't it just be like...on?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

"I'm calling you fat, Helene."

FancyShark

We can't use the toaster if it's on.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

and we're certain this was written before Star Wars

gellaho

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Star Wars wasn't exactly a beacon of originality

FancyShark

Or scientific accuracy

gellaho

If only there were some sign that this asteroid was booby trapped!

FancyShark

Except for wookies. Those are fact.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

His throat clogged? Did he swallow his chewing gum on accident?

GDC

Hey he's got the magnet boots from face/off

FancyShark

Magnaboots remain one of the most fun mechanics from Ratchet & Clank

Brendan

This series is mighty particular about when it's magic and when it's science.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

seems like Helene heard about Jenny

gellaho

Oh, fuck yes, John Jakes. You brilliant man!

FancyShark

We're going to find out the asteroid was a giant flail

ahh, there's the Jakes Don't Give a Fuck

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

says the man that has slept with, and killed, more people "on screen" than Helene

GDC

You mile wide, stab-happy metal slut!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

GIF

gellaho

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Hey I've patented that

gellaho

A wad of malleable blowup

Brendan

For

my wife (Borat voice) Rachel,

who might turn out to be something of a homicidal slut

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Which we will then call by its proper name, "explosive", in the very next sentence

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

jesus he's not even trying anymore

Brendan

This is just to say

I have eaten the asteroids you left in Wheel system

Forgive me

They were so cold and vacuous

FancyShark

Embrace it. This is the good shit

gellaho

The only person he's had sex with was a human Helene in a hallucination

Brendan

Plastic explosive, as you TERRA-MEN call Horror Putty.

FancyShark

And yes, it can still take comics off of newspapers. We're not animals.

gellaho

Next up, gray gas

FancyShark

A neutral gas

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

SPHERE, the hit sequel to CUBE

gellaho

Nothing happened.

FancyShark

Clicking heart is a serious medical condition

gellaho

STEP INTO THE OCTAGON

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Nothing happened", incidentally, makes for a solid summary of the plot thus far

FancyShark

Bill Wallace is there, saying random shit while Brian Kilmeade irritates Jim Brown and Kathy Long

gellaho

Behold the heroin couch

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It was like the hypnochair but far more sophisticated. Instead of hypnotizing you it just stabs you to death with meth needles.

FancyShark

If you're going anywhere past 20 IV hookups, you might as well mix all the drugs in a blender and power chug

gellaho

John Jakes invents deep fakes

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

DIY Interrogator Droids from II Galaxy get the job done.

Brendan

Helene was gorgeous, but sure could fill a room with gas.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dragonard has his mind blown by something almost any videogame could do now.

Brendan

He's doing a Force Awakens inside a Winter Soldier!

gellaho

Sixty years is a long time

FancyShark

"I had holosex" is a weird revelation

gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So if you don't pull out during holosex, does it just kind of. Fall through?

Brendan

Hashashin space camp training, I tell ya. All Dragonards are implanted with the Dragonard identity.

FancyShark

hahahaha

Brendan

You have to give it up to Jakes, he came up with ALL of the blockbusters.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Like, is this holodeck rules orrrr

FancyShark

They did all of this instead of getting his boss to tell him "go undercover"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Sign of a great plan

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I knew he was in actuality just hunched over fucking a boulder for three days in the woods.

gellaho

They have to clean that couch a lot

Brendan

Helene, using the toilet. Helene, baking you a cake, but it's too dry. Helene, listening to Helene with an ugly face while forlorn stringharp plays. Helene, having sex with your best friend but you're secretly into it. Helene, tearfully confessing the affair as you feign anger. Helene, after makeup sex, saying she wants to indulge your fantasies as you dare whether or not to tell her you'd like them to continue the affair.

gellaho

Who couldst this caped individual be?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Seems like a real roundabout way to call 911.

gellaho

Oh, right, the guy on the cover

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh this bastard again.

Brendan

Helene, but she's Sharon Stone and your hot aerobics wife, trying to kill you.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Metalface McNottheVillain von ReallyforReals.

gellaho

Vondamm does everything butt first

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So the barrel is pointing upwards at the ceiling?

If he goes for his gun and shoots himself in the shoulder I'm going to laugh so hard.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or if the regulation sidearm is a lasery wand thing, explodes his hand when he grabs it.

gellaho

If we keep killing people, it won't be suspicious!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

AAaaaarrree the stakes substantial?

Really I dont know, VonEvilguy.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The stakes most definitely are.

The most stakes of all time. Yes.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Seems like you could just replace artificial gems pretty easily but what the fuck do I know? I think diamonds are just shiny rocks.

gellaho

I WANT YOUR PARKING SPACE, DRAGONARD!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What a great motive

GDC

Vondamn's quest for 2 extra weeks vacation that comes with that pay grade

gellaho

Fuck yes, suggesto cube

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah that tracks. Assholes are radicalized by being passed over for promotion alot.

And suggesto cube fuckin rules.

FancyShark

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They operated one into his brain!

It's just in there now!

It's never coming out!

FancyShark

Camera pulls back to reveal a cube-shaped lump in his skull the size of a small car

gellaho

The lip action in this book is currently at 5.23 Hawkes

gellaho

GDC

Your lips wouldn't be so mangled if you'd just stop picking at them.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, try some chapstick my dude, god damn

gellaho

Damn your shiny head!

FancyShark

"It's on."

"It's off."

"It's on."

"It's off."

"That's called blinking, boys."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He fucking flashbanged him with his face plates

I can't believe it

Those things had a purpose

gellaho

How dare you compare me, Wolf Dragonard, to an animal!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its no wonder why sci fi people have hand to hand weapons in everything. They lose guns so often they might as well not have them.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Names too filthy to print!

gellaho

I definitely don't have two animal names in my name

FancyShark

"Thanks for letting me still be compared to a cool animal."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"You have a stupid haircut, you spotty cumdonkey!"

GDC

you're a clumsy bear, wolf. A real aardvark of a camel.

gellaho

It's a dignified death

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Your mother was an elderberry, and your father smelt of hamsters!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

At least Vondamm died having a good time.