93: Tonight We Steal the Stars John Jakes

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is going to end with an attempted stabbing and I'm not sure who the perpetrator will be

FancyShark

It's his cheat month

gellaho

Craxbilladyes

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Bout to see what happens when a Korb tries to play pool with a cooked noodle

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Look, all I want in life is for a group of beautiful people to feed me snacks while I lounge on a divan or possibly a carved couch while wearing a loose tunic, for about an hour.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I know he's trying to describe the business the Mishubi house is in but it reads like the planets are run by japanese space radioshack

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Mishubi is telecomms?

Did. Did Jakes mix up Mitsubishi with somebody else?

FancyShark

Mitsubishi makes lots of different things!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

probably Nokia

Ramb$ne

Air conditioners are a firm of telecoms!

That's Finnish

Mitsubishi used to make a ton of tvs

gellaho

To give you an idea of when this was made, the Mitsubishi Motors branch didn't even exist yet

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh fuck. carry on then

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jakes remembers when Mitsubishi made wooden bombs for the Emperor.

gellaho

If only I was explicitly told to stay sober!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"wylie my love" he's been there five days lady!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They weighed "like chunks of metal". Unclear as yet how many tall mans that works out to

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Damn this lady is going full Zsa Zsa Gabor.

gellaho

Lapichem lab

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

he could just say they were heavy but why use 10 words when 100 will do?

FancyShark

Lapichem! I choose you!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Wylie-love" is trying too hard, Helene. Dial it back

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha "Artificial scarcity is why these rocks are worth stealing, even tho they can be reproduced in a lab."

Excellent plot device, no notes.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They're not even magic?!?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

she's spilling the entire plan of her heist to a guy she literally tried to buy off the street less than a week ago

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Korb is the only magic in II Galaxy.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They're just "whatever happens to be backing the economy at the time"??

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And maybe friendship.

gellaho

Booze will do that

Jenny, master tactician

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

We're breaking into Korb Knox for costume jewelry

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

yeah no shit lady

gellaho

Fulldrive is near Transmission City

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I love when Jakes throws a normal name in there, we get Yee, Wolf, and then he'll toss in a Jenny to keep us on our toes.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

J-j-j-Jenny and the Jetsssssss

I like how "thief-girl" is its own profession

gellaho

And pass out

LyraV

Classy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's a very specific track and people get it confused with Girl Thief, which is VERY different.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is starting to feel more and more like a hastily re-tooled Conan script

FancyShark

If the plan was less complicated, she could have revealed the whole thing before passing out

LyraV

Hey we've all passed out while the stringharps thunder, I'm not judging

sorry 'thunder-loud'

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I'm pretty sure the author wrote a series about a Conan-ish kind of character, I hope we get some of those someday too.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Conan the Korbarian

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

now Helene's gonna try to kill him for knowing too much

gellaho

Your pretentious doublet

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Barbarian fashion check?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Immense tapedrums revolved" is really painting a picture here

Hahahaha he's got fucking Tom Bombadil boots. Fuck this guy

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so he's dressed like if Ronald McDonald went to a Renn Faire

gellaho

Dundundun

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

SHE LIED!

LyraV

genuinely one of my worst nightmares

gellaho

Dundundun

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

all his naming conventions are so dumb I honestly didn't catch that baldur brightstone was a fake name

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Try........Korb Korbisson?"

FancyShark

It was all a ruse devised by the con artist Helen Brightrock!

gellaho

Very Flintstones

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait I thought he got fired from the space cops?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Wolf vows he's learned his lesson and then one planet over he gets the same trick pulled on him by Helen Shinypebble.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Helen......Elen......Elena.........IT WAS HIS DEAD WIFE THE WHOLE TIME!

gellaho

You don't have to be a cop to tell the cops about crimes

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

ah so he changed jobs to space narc

gellaho

I have been had!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Wolf Dragonarc

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The cops dont fire Dragonards, they send them on super secret squirrel missions to backwater shitholes that somehow are incredibly important.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's a very "springtime for hitler" retirement scheme

FancyShark

The ol' Brigadoon Bamboozle

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Uh.........Sir. We have been monitoring you with a spy drone. You just came here and like stared off into space for like a week, and started talking to rocks."

gellaho

Yee is incredulous

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this seems like a really elaborate setup for what amounts to gaslighting an alcoholic ex-cop

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"We would have done something but it was really really funny when you started fucking that hole in a tree."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Incredulous Yee is a Soulsbourne character

It's funny that Wolf worries Yee thinks he's been on a binge because he totally has

gellaho

The drugdreams!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

also what is up with the typesetting in italics?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That's him thinking to himself

gellaho

They also had holographic projectors in the last book, but forget about that

FancyShark

It's a method to show internal thoughts

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I know it's weird to imagine a Dragonard thinking, but roll with it

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

no I mean the typesetting for the italics looks funky, like the words aren't on a straight line

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I hallucinated all this on a drug trip." is not a great defense when you are worried your boss thinks you were fucked up on the job, Wolf.

LyraV

It never worked for me

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Huh. Yeah, that is a little weird now that I notice it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The heist is very real tho.

Which makes this a really roundabout way to either taunt a cop in the most expensive and unprovable way possible, or someone is VERY concerned about not being outed as a snitch.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The stones are fake. The heist is real. The Nard is Korb.

gellaho

Accusatory judgments

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"programmed a query" jesus why not just put her name in a search box dude

wait, HALF A DOZEN MINUTES?!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jakes wrote this when you did computer shit with punch cards.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He had to program the search box first

The height of technology in 2 Galaxy is DOSbox

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

did they just stand around for six minutes while their ancient space computer popped out a result?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah.

FancyShark

"You are a drunk though."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

and there's no intervening conversation? they just stand around for six minutes in complete silence while the computer beep boops?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its like when you were downloading porn with an early modem, and you would just watch as the picture came thru.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Lords are hogging all the good computer parts to mine for Bitcoin.

gellaho

Control-rod those microbooks, baby

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

God I love how gonzo people thought analog tech would get in the future.

FancyShark

The best place to hide a computer is behind more computers

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"they called me mad when I made a Kindle collection for each book in my library, well who's laughing now?"

gellaho

Bludblom and Waterloo

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

ENTERTAINMENT STUDIOS

IT'S FUCKING MGM

TOTALLY CALLED IT

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

bludblom sounds like a Rick and Morty character when you say it out loud

gellaho

The old psychodynamics lab

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Or Metalocalypse

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Yee is so dead

FancyShark

It's where they test how flexible your crazy is

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"linked platinum instruments" is a fancy and tactful way to say platinum plated dildo nunchucks.

FancyShark

Damn. And Yee was only three elderly men away from retirement

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's amazing how he can come up with fancy sci-fi descriptions that aren't the least bit informative

gellaho

Dundundun

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"sloping walktube" also known as a hallway

also someone call HR for the wall

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Unreliable narrator? Gaslighting? Or did Jakes just forget? Find out, real soon, because Jakes doesnt leave plot threads to simmer very long.

FancyShark

Hallway in SPAAAAACCCCE

gellaho

Better use the false name the people gave me in the forced hallucination

gellaho

They definitely won't recognize it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He's so Wylie!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait why is he getting surgery?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Because disguise!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm glad we're getting a dry reading of his itinerary instead of an action sequence or dialogue scene

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

how does he have the money for a Face/Off routine?

FancyShark

Nine days under anesthesia is going to have some side effects

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I thought he was jobless

and spent most of his retirement on gambling

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nope. Yee didnt fire him.

FancyShark

He very clearly is not fired

gellaho

He was taking a temporary leave of absence

Vehicular empire

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like cops do when they explode a bunch of civilians and slap a coworker.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

JUST SAY CARS YOU FUCK

FancyShark

Sausage, I know flippant is part of your name, but show some respect. A cheek was slapped.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Behold, Dragonard; Planet Detroit!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The fact that Wheel doesnt have a mobile city on wheels is just such a lost opportunity.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"transpos" if there's no functional difference why change the name

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Because it's cool

gellaho

He meets Jenny Sable and her manboots

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

J-j-j-Jenny and the Bootsssssss

LyraV

No one was getting high in Blaze City lots of missed opportunities

FancyShark

"They're made out of genuine man!"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

she's dressed like a photo negative of Leela from Futurama

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Wolf gotta eat his weegeebles.

LyraV

I could go for some moonmelons

gellaho

Watch out she's got a hamper! And pointy ears!

FancyShark

The vendor looked on in irritation because the "Don't Handle the Weegeebles" sign was very prominently displayed.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Stop being weird about mixed blood, Jakes!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

ah yes the first thing I always think about when I see a hot thief is if they're mixed race or not

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It won't age well and I don't want to field uncomfortable questions when I recommend these books to my friends!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Her ears are........pointed but on the bottom......shes a reverse elf?!

FancyShark

Look, in the future, Swirl is very popular

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Elana who?

FancyShark

"I'll remember you forever or until someone hotter shows up, my love."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"notice me, hot space lady!"

gellaho

Dream corn

FancyShark

Dream corn is corn where the entire bag pops evenly and you don't get any leftover kernels

gellaho

"Aw, jeez, I was so uncool"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Makes really good cornbread.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Dreambread!

FancyShark

"Maybe I can impress her with my drinking problem"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Surprisingly good with honey made by nightmare bees.

gellaho

Tits out for alewife

FancyShark

Oh no!

The ultimate test of a Dragonard!

Can he get through a pub visit without falling for the waitress!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

a shirtless waitress, to boot

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay but little bells for earrings would be interesting but annoying to wear.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If he minds his manners the barmaid is going to clean out his Malodorous Sewage Trench later tonight

gellaho

An eraso

FancyShark

ew

Brendan

alewife like the fish?

That topless bartender is really bad at reading people.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You can't tell me Dragonards wash. Nothing you say can convince me

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

when in doubt just slice off half a word and stick an "o" on the end, that's how you know it's spacey

Brendan

Which is a skill you need in the topless bar trade.

Take it from me, I spent 18 hours in Portland once.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And not a second more.

Brendan

eraso the ronin of regulamurai

FancyShark

I am Eraso the Proofreader!

Brendan

I only stopped in Olympia for 50 minutes getting there, and that about 500 feet into city limits. I was dodging snowstorms the whole journey.

Then I met Brockway! It was an eventful day.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The snowstorms heralded his arrival

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If you trick him into saying his name backwards you get a huge advance for your book about Hip Hop for Dogs.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He's like the Bed of Chaos, you have to get past his AoE and then basically any attack you can land on him is basically a deathblow

Brendan

Jenny Sable: Bar table constable

gellaho

A week later, Dragonard decides to rob some emeralds and attack some Regulators

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

what the fuck is a weegeeble

Brendan

They fly their big ships into the bar every time someone gets pickpocketed?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's how Ensign Chekov says vegetable

Brendan

What a terrible way for you to discover you are one.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its like a carrot but if you stand it on end it wont fall over.

FancyShark

It's one of those boards with letters and numbers on it people pretend can communicate with ghosts

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

part of me wishes he'd just call them space-whatever instead of a stupid fake name, at least that'd be more descriptive

FancyShark

Tax deductible fuel ups

FancyShark

Roll with it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jakes demands you use your imagination and tell him what a weegeeble is.

FancyShark

Otherwise, you're in for a really painful rest of the book

gellaho

That certainly sounds more boring

Brendan

How many regulators are there? Is it like cops? I thought it was like Federal marshalls.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

well my imagination is currently spitting out a ball with "missing texture" splashed on it like a bug in a video game

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I think regulators are just space patrolmen

gellaho

He is tazed once

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's porous if that helps you paint a mental picture.

gellaho

Twice

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Three times a Dragonard!

gellaho

Indeed

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

christ even star wars just calls them stun batons

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

But only sometimes

gellaho

Three times with Tom Swift and His Electronic Rifle

gellaho

Ten years after this

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh this was the sixties? that explains a lot

FancyShark

"We could have just increased the voltage, but we're trying to wear out the batteries so we can requisition newer models."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

We hadn't yet researched stun baton naming

Brendan

They tazed their bro.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Calling them wands is more on brand for the space fantasy vibe.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Just another crazy night in StarWizard City!

Brendan

Dragonard scowled. Electricity would regret this honorless attack.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Wands are something that exist in the same world as a man named Tingo Spellhands.

FancyShark

I do like the image of cops saying "Cast Lightning!" as they taze a drunk

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Brendan

Cops do in fact hurl bean bags at people with the intention of non-lethally removing them.

gellaho

"Yeah, I could have told you beforehand but this was more fun

Brendan

LARPD

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Brendan

Dragonard's doing a reverse Steele!

FancyShark

Eleets!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Is the fucking Chief referring to his own employee like he's his boss now?

LyraV

You banged my men hard, didn't call them afterwards. It broke Donnelys heart.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

if Dragonard's a cop you'd think he'd have just had something set up ahead of time instead of getting his ass tazed trying to look cool

gellaho

I can't tell you anything

gellaho

Also, I refuse to answer your second question

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"My drug induced hallucination said it was."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Jakes has no concept of time scale

FancyShark

The boss gives him a goodbye tazing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Good enough for Yee, good enough for thee."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

>shows up

>beats up all his own colleagues

>refuses to elaborate

>leaves

FancyShark

Fucking hero

Or psychopath

One of those at least

gellaho

Sweat

FancyShark

How large of hands?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Probably as large as a large mans hands.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

At least one large hands' worth of large

gellaho

Vroom vroom

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Not necessarily a tall large man tho.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

leagues per hour?!

no sense of scale

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

A league is how many tall men long again?

Or is that measured in long men?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

250 leagues per hour is like, breaking the sound barrier levels of fast

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

20,000 Leagues Around Daytona

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

20,000 Tall Men Under The Sea

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

250 lph is 860mph

literally supersonic

FancyShark

Is that a problem in the science fantasy book?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The cars go so fast they jump into hyperspace, it's fine

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

only if you have no idea how big a league is

gellaho

I'm pretty sure we have vehicles that broke the sound barrier now

FancyShark

Merging lanes is harrowing

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

House Genmo has all the best bullet cars.

Something something NASCAR reference.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"perhaps the poor found some twisted ways to worship the symbols of their oppression" said the cop

gellaho

Never had to maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn a maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn before

But here we are

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE