93: Tonight We Steal the Stars John Jakes

FancyShark

Lazaret is having the worst day

GDC

Theracouch promised things they couldn't possibly deliver.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It mostly just delivers IV Theraflu.

gellaho

Yum, green goo

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh boy, I love lime jello

GDC

"eww. A hazy IPA."

gellaho

Magnokey

FancyShark

Oh no! And Dragonard was so jolly!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its really just a half cantaloupe they found.

Brendan

This is underrated even at 4x 💯

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Whining intensifies" is really more Magus's thing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That door is controlled from a different room entirely.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The key being a "hemisphere of metal" makes me think he's just plugging in the entire doorknob

gellaho

Things are going well

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

No! No just kill them!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Is he sure that isn't the refuse pipe? I know they tend to put them right next to each other.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What the fuck are you doing!!

Stop monologuing, you're fucking it all up!

gellaho

"I think that is exactly what my lips said"

gellaho

We are holding steady at 3.4 Hawkes of lip action

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"prevstrike"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Prevstrike" because preemptive strike is too many words for the future

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

This is as bad as Zoomers abbreviating everything

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

On god fr fr

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its giving me Battletech Clan lingo douche chills.

gellaho

You've been sitting in prison for this long and still hadn't figured that out?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Sus, caj (can't even spell it, it's short for casual)

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A supple motion

gellaho

Probably why you don't promote SWAT guys to undercover detectives

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

Dragonard is eventually going to realize he's blown his cover

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Shitbeasts/Wenches/Alcohol Tactics

gellaho

Dude loves militaro

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Well, not so much a WAR, since I dont really think they'll be able to fight back."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

The FreeTerr?

FancyShark

"My boss hated my plan no matter how many times I told him. So I did it anyway."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Genmo Feinstein.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

The indcomps pose a compthreat

gellaho

Everyone loves Bludblom

FancyShark

It's weird that Bludblom even got that high in the organization when all he can say is his name

gellaho

These guys catch on quick

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I like how the narration seems to think Dragonard has the upper hand here when he's still in a locked room with guns pointed at him

gellaho

A descendant of Hans Huygens

FancyShark

Heroic, fat Hans Huygens

Brendan

Grima Bludblom, Image '90s hero

gellaho

You may not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Marshals and the like are like basset hounds. You have to express their war glands for them or they get real jammed up.

gellaho

"I am an idiot! Love me!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"STILL YOU YOU UNUTTERABLE DIPSHIT!" she screamsobbed.

Then the shiv found his kidney.

GDC

Dragonard just got conned by the superior con artist.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Alcoholic domestic abuser" is definitely a more accurate portrait of a cop than I think Jakes was driving at

gellaho

Bastardly Tactic was the name of my punk band

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Said the thief and attempted poisoner

FancyShark

She got over that slap faster than a mob wife

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Wait what? No she's obviously NOT an expert thief, this plan was stupid from the get go.

Brendan

TwenCen heroes were something else.

gellaho

Merclamps

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The only smart part was the lightning eating cumjar.

FancyShark

"Your plan involved a colossal dook eating a fence. You're experts, right?"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Merclamps are those clamshell things Ariel was wearing, right

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I hear they pinch something awful but boy howdy do they make the boobies look perky.

GDC

They were underneath the clams.

gellaho

Being a psychic seems fun

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Just so you know, I totally saw all of this coming"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I.......knew you.......were a cop."

"No, you didnt."

gellaho

A lot of fun

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Yeah. Im not really psychic either."

gellaho

His ancestral wall of red rage protected him from psychic probing

GDC

Lazaret is the rickety cricket of II Galaxy.

gellaho

It's a wonderful power

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I'm really just hypoglycemic. Does anyone have a sugar cookie I can borrow?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Really all the stuff that made it seem like I was psychic was just cold reading and coincidences."

FancyShark

You can be psychic or you can be a leper with a gun. Those are the only two loadouts left, Laz

gellaho

Adventure!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"My dad once told me never to admit it when I lied and things just got really out of hand."

Be fun if Laz got to keep the guards body or something.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Lazaret mindjacking into the guard outside and unlocking their cell would actually redeem this scene.

gellaho

Dragonard's hands have become sentient

FancyShark

It worked!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fuck. Yes.

FancyShark

Scene redeemed!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah nice.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Goldurn it Jakes, you've done it again!

gellaho

Afterglow is an interesting choice of words

FancyShark

"Thanks, Laz. Now mindjack another guard to bring me some raisins. This trail mix they gave us is too salty."

gellaho

Laz? Oh, right, you're dead

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You suck, Laz!!

Can't even get me raisins. Feh.

gellaho

Bring the shitbeast

FancyShark

"Guess I gotta do everything here."

Brendan

For once I'm glad Rex Moran isn't here.

gellaho

Shitbeast going out in a blaze of glory

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This heist is going so well you guys.

FancyShark

And Dragonard immediately succumbs to blood poisoning

GDC

Imagine the stench of the shitbeast explosion.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay. Jenny, as far as guilt goes, you should feel okay about sacrificing the shitbeast, it probably wants to die or doesnt have enough awareness to care about being alive.

gellaho

Down goes Jenny

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well now you fucked up.

Always let the cop take the shots, Jenny.

ACAB.

Brendan

The sun never sets on space Waterloo.

FancyShark

Expert thieves

gellaho

And Dragonard valiant runs to tackle an old man

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Especially the drunk ones that lied to you about being space jewel thieves..

FancyShark

hahaha

Brendan

The star-lords are dropping like Blockbusters out here.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I like how the most powerful people in this setting are uniformly deployed as set dressing.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"He's a thousand years old. Shoot him anyway, Genny Tightpants has led a full life."

gellaho

That is a bold amount of time to ask for

FancyShark

This man is a walking bag of sticks and Dragonard is going to tackle him like a linebacker

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Pebbles rattling"

gellaho

[Street Fighter reference]

GDC

I like how accurately he estimated how long it would take to explain. He respects genmo's time.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Slit that old geezers weasand, you bootlicker.

FancyShark

The ritual gesture is too vulgar to describe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

GDC

The ritual gesture is turning the key trying to get your Chevy to start

gellaho

Truly an intimidating figure

FancyShark

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dragonard is easily impressed and also kind of a servile.

GIF

gellaho

"I know you just said you didn't want a genocide, but I'm going to brag about it anyway!"

GDC

I've noticed this series has a weird pro-feudalist bent.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just a bit.

FancyShark

I think Jakes went for a governing system that didn't require much thought

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jakes wasnt very smart, and people who arent very smart really like kings.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Space fantasy has a weird relationship with modern legalism

FancyShark

Kings can be fun, though. They have pointy hats.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah but anyone can have a cool hat.

gellaho

Probably not worth treating everything as a political treatise

NO PERSONALITIES HERE

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Anyway Genmo is no Technopope.

gellaho

The first one ended with Dragonard joining a revolutionary group, but sure

🥐Calmity Chloe, Boyces #1 HATERa

Sometimes they add in lines just for reviews to use

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

God Genmo is so old and boring he cant even be a fun space tyrant.

Blow up some planets you old geezer.

gellaho

Accountant to the rescue

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Forensic accounting, the fascist's one weakness!

gellaho

Ware!

🥐Calmity Chloe, Boyces #1 HATERa

You know what I'm constantly thinking when I read sci-fi? "I wonder if they're able to afford all these lasers"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh god its really going to come down to "make the hero and everything he did mean nothing because the real hero was already doing stuff."

GDC

This is like that star trek episode where quark gets the Klingon exiled by proving he cooked his books.

gellaho

Laser guns always take the sideburns first

Brendan

UNNNNLIMMMITED HORSEPOWEERRRRRRR

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And what we wanted was the episode where Quark gets a crash course in Klingon romance so he can lay pipe in that hot warrior lady.

FancyShark

Internal Affairs is not going to believe a word of this

gellaho

The question mark makes this a lot funnier

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Goddammit Dragonard, you really are a loose cannon!"

Brendan

it's funnier if he talks like Forrest Gump in our heads this whole book.

FancyShark

"Jenny? Do I have your number?"

gellaho

AAAAH! MITTEN!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Shit Jenny really did have a gun.

Brendan

Bacta tank!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

God damn it, Waterloo. Way to blow it at the finish line.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Quit screaming you wuss.

FancyShark

"IT'S WOOL! IT'S ALL SCRATCHY! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You still have your jerking hand.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I leave for two seconds to turn the AC up and look what happens.

gellaho

Hand > Marshal

FancyShark

Get a chainsaw, Dragonard

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Eh. Yeah I agree there.

But look on the bright side. now you can become Dragonard Spellhands.

And the prophecy will be fulfilled.

FancyShark

I dare this book to end like Brazil and he's been in the hypnochair this whole time

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also he gets depressed about murder alot, huh?

Like get a different job if it bothers you that much.

gellaho

The booze will do that

GDC

Marshalls are plentiful, you've only got two hands.

FancyShark

Now he's Wolf "One Hand" Dragonard

gellaho

Alloy device

Brendan

Truly his ESB here.

gellaho

Sere lips

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I nearly missed my brunch. I bombed the SHIT out of that planet tho. So what was it you said about that thing?"

gellaho

Up to 6 Hawkes

FancyShark

So the massive fleet of ships is gone?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

old and sere.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

HAWKE LEVELS ARE OFF THE SCALE, CAP'N

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The fuck does sere even mean? I should look that up.

Oh.

Genmo needs some chapstick for his old ass lips.

gellaho

"Those other Dragonards are much better than you. Except Robin, he sucked"

Brendan

Big showdown with the old man on the bench

gellaho

The insane screaming of the instigator probably didn't help the invasion's case

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Just like the ending of the Matrix

FancyShark

"We also found a lot of waitresses in your family tree"

GDC

That sounds like, 3 star wars.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's more of a throne.

GDC

The Iron Bench

gellaho

Head up, you still have your human penis. And that's all that really matters

FancyShark

She slaps him.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And then stabs him.

And then kisses him.

And stabs him a little bit more.

FancyShark

Then repeats

gellaho

The End

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

TONIGHT WE DID NOT STEAL THE STARS

But we had a lovely time regardless, thank you @gellaho

gellaho

Now time for upside down The Wagered World

FancyShark

Unfortunately, the Stars gave them both lymphoma and they died sterile three weeks later.

Brendan

A FOAM MITTEN

gellaho

What a great ending

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Imagine if he had a flamethrowiner in that mitten like Psycho Clown.

gellaho

We have defeated Tonight We Steal the Stars and thus the entire Dragonard Saga

FancyShark

We did it!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The end of a Dragonard age

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Space huzzah!

FancyShark

Great work, everyone!

Thank you, @gellaho !

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

IN ⁠book-dorks ONLY GELLAHO CAN MAKE THE UNCAGEABLE CAGEABLE

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I wonder if the books Jakes wrote about the regular, non space barbarian are as good?

gellaho

So concludes the 93rd Edition of The Book Cage

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

define "good"

gellaho

May all of your sideburns be safe from laser blasts

Brendan

BUT A FOAM MITTEN

gellaho

His North & South series got turned into a miniseries starring Patrick Swayze

Brendan

Luke got a bionic hand that could still use the force!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Holy shit, Jakes was the North & South guy???

gellaho

He's more known for the war books

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay I might have to look for that, it might be delightfully batshit.

Brendan

Okay, time for me to go do whatever it is that Brendans do after work. Which is more work. Or tacos, I dunno.

GDC

Thanks everyone. Rest in peace, Jakes.

Brendan

thanks, @gellaho

Brendan

Now he belongs to the stars

gellaho

FancyShark

"Thanks for taking my picture, you homicidal slut."