93: Tonight We Steal the Stars John Jakes

gellaho

Reminder that this guy is in his twenties

FancyShark

Yeesh

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Space meth will do that to you.

FancyShark

Hope he's one of those who just looks forty until they're eighty

gellaho

"You wanna get beaten like Bardix?"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Ramb$ne

That man looks like a metabaron

gellaho

You've got the rage, Wolf boy

gellaho

Unlike Robin, who just had sadness and multiple head wounds

FancyShark

That's not fair. Robin had a tan, too!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE:; executing student demonstrators and legally getting away with it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

But still managing to be a sad sack about it.

FancyShark

Yeah, if you're trying to justify your actions via "Well, it was legal", maybe do better?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I hate when my protagonist mixes regret and disintigration rampage

gellaho

The moldy cafés of Nihil

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Allergies are fucking HELL in Point Nihil.

gellaho

The dungeon cafés of Nihil

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Halloween bar!

FancyShark

I'm sure the alcoholic will be fine in the wine cellar

gellaho

Looks like Tingo Spellhands spellhands live

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You either die a villain or live to see your spellhands get appropriated by the cops

Sometimes both

gellaho

What a tragedy for the child trafficker

Master Taco

FancyShark

Master Danny Traco

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hey Jakes, what did you mean by "mixed blood"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I mean it, we just hate cops and love hitting things with maces."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Do we need to cancel you now, or

gellaho

He's half smurf

The public gods

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The private gods are all behind a paywall.

FancyShark

God really sold out when He went public

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tale as old as time

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This person is the heir to Tiki Traco's Taco Tractor, show some respect Vondamm.

"Yeah but do you think maybe you blasting my eyeballs and brain with lasers might have anything to do with why people were rioting?"

gellaho

Ha'tokens lead to flamethrowering a store

FancyShark

"I see no connection. Now read the chart from the first line."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The fate of all moneyed societies

FancyShark

"High on the narcos." Man, Jakes really gets the hip lingo.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Huh i wonder if that "addicts cant be trusted" is going to be a thing later.

gellaho

We going to explain DP? No? Alright

FancyShark

Dinner Plates

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Diet Pepsi cartels rule Galaxy 2 from the shadows.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Deep Probe.

FancyShark

Disco Policy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dangle Penalty.

FancyShark

Dangling Participles

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diarrhea Preserves.

FancyShark

Donut Prescriptions

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Daft Punk.

gellaho

Dragonard's heroic entrance was somewhat ruined by the laser pointer in his eye

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I do! For I am Wolf Dragon—AGH FUCK, TURN IT OFF"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"ARRRG LASERS IN MY EYES! MY ONE WEAKNESS AS A COP THAT ISNT FENTANYL!"

FancyShark

"DAMMIT, CONRAD!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Im filing a complaint with the space union, you have been TOLD you need to put a safety shade on that fucking thing."

gellaho

Basically

FancyShark

I love you, Jakes

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Bawled", the most dignified of the adverbs

gellaho

LIIIIPS

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"You heard me right, you'll be sent to the Cashiering Planet of Moneydrawer IX!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Last time I peeked in there were lips

gellaho

Ah, due process

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Conrad has to keep his lips moist, he doesnt have much left after the Incidents.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

jesus your name is vondamm and you have a black cloak

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha it never once occurred to us that DP with cops involved meant due process.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I would have thought it more likely it was an abbreviation for something they do with batons first.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Present for DP

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait, is "cashier" slang for "write/written up"?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"How can I do illegal torture if you insist on making me do it according to legal procedure?!"

gellaho

The rage results in the slap

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's a real old term I run across alot in old novels, I think from the context I've always seen it in it means fired.

FancyShark

Love Slap was the B52's unsuccessful follow-up

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

HOW CAN HE SLAP

gellaho

Yee

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

The Month of Burning

Ramb$ne

Yeestack is getting some use today

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Yeah torturing prisoners illegally is one thing. Slapping your subordinates? No that is a bridge too far, you're a loose cannon, Dragonard!"

FancyShark

The Month of Burning AKA The Antibiotic Takes A While

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Stellaris Rising? What, did he summon The End or something?

gellaho

Bromdaagar

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Good ol Maltby's Moon, no wonder someone laid seige to it. It's the biggest 24 hour liquor emporium in II Galaxy.

Brendan

Everything that happens through Dragonard only happens TO Dragonard.

gellaho

Drink up, drunky

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark, it's how you know it's a good story

FancyShark

Bromdaagar is delicious with some rye bread and horseradish

gellaho

Sucked thoughtfully

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yee! A guy named Yee! YEECEPTION!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"Did you hear about the Space Jews?" said Yee.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A more convoluted alcohol delivery system than the Black and Decker cube laser from Alien Resurrection

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

I like to think he's making bubbles like with a bubble wand, and you have to chase them around the room.

gellaho

The umber stars look upon the police planet

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The steely gaze of Yee.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Kanye West is in this?

gellaho

Maximillian Dragonard was also a regulator with anger issues, you'd think they'd bring it up

Although this might be 700 years in the future, who knows

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Lorrrds of the Exchaaaange!! funnel military grade surplus to local police departments.

Ramb$ne

Yee of our lord 750

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Its fine, we let insane berserkers stay in all the time. Once, one of your ancestors tore the arms clean off a man who spilled space cheese on his tie."

gellaho

We going to explain banns? No? Alright.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"And that wasnt even the guy who kind of overthrew the galactic order so he could fuck a waitress."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Banns are what the squares who run social media hand out when they're too lame for your twisted humor, maaaaan

FancyShark

"Fun fact: He robbed the universe of clean organ transplants"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha what an old ass word to use for paperwork.

Ramb$ne

You're gonna get cashiered with that type of talk

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm too edgy for the policeys, maaaaaan

LyraV

He said it angrily that's all that matters.

gellaho

Dragonard House!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Banns hasnt been in common useage since like before 1900, Jakes. You dusty old fart. When you were born you came out with a puff of mummy dust.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They lost the word for paperwork in the crossing to galaxy 2

It's gonna be a whole nother couple eons before they can circle back around to it on the tech tree

gellaho

Rough stuff for the recently dead

FancyShark

Now the story's about Dragonard House trying to keep the crusty old dean from shutting them down

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He's even more dusty now then.

gellaho

How'd it get off the backwater planet Robin lived on? Don't worry about it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A good question, for another time

FancyShark

It's a very long series of head injuries

gellaho

Korb!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Robin probably left it to his son Barrold, who left it to Bortloleo, who left it to Dale, etc.

FancyShark

It's Korbin time

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Korb, the homeworld of Korb, the resplendent orb we all cherish.

And Korb Ball, the sport invented by Korb.

LyraV

I'm planning to vacation in Blaze City

Ramb$ne

The spine of that world is twisted and tied

gellaho

Foldofile

FancyShark

The sport of gendered defense and no we're not going to clarify what that means

LyraV

Unless that name is terribly misleading somehow.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

foldofile, as opposed to the rigid files they used to use.

Ramb$ne

Understanding that concept is in the blood of you're from Korb

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fodofile is way more fun to say than jpeg, I'll give Jakes that much

gellaho

Yarm

FancyShark

"Why would the director who hates him station him on a planet full of murderers?" thought Dragonard.

gellaho

The director doesn't hate him

FancyShark

oh, damn

Then that joke did not work

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yarm.

GIF

FancyShark

GIF

Yarm?

gellaho

In a rare case, Star Trek did actually exist before this

So Enterprise is a terrible name to choose

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its better than Unethical Transation in the Capital system.

Nicer parks.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nah Enterprise is always awesome. It's just a great word

FancyShark

"Ah but, see, it's Enterprise like business enterprise! So it's not actionable. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, GENE RODDENBERRY!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Besides all records of Star Trek were lost during the crossing so II Galaxy can't be sued

Ramb$ne

It's probably even more basic than that. USS Enterprise was really famous in wwii

gellaho

Governing Engineer McIlhenny and his technocrats

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

To be fair the Star Trek one is named after a Navy vessel.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Ramb$ne

GIF

LyraV

Yarnham would eat Dragonard alive.

Brendan

Mack for Dragonard. Tell me I'm wrong.

FancyShark

Robin would get two steps out the door

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Every Dragonard is just a different Always Sunny gang member

gellaho

The pleasure port

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Almost any Dragonard would end up never leaving the Hunters Dream because they are too busy ogling the Doll.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'll pleasure your Korb port

FancyShark

The Pleasure Port is a gloryhole with attached foldout bed

gellaho

Flesh theaters

FancyShark

Honestly, it shouldn't even have a name

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's less reliable than USB but its a hell of a lot more fun.

LyraV

Damn you Blaze City I thought you'd be fields of only the dankest weed

Ramb$ne

The pleasure port's motto is "from wharf to wilds"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Just casually referencing the fact the Lords are shopping around for sex slaves

gellaho

The first Dragonard to fuck within the book

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I also like to barter for booty at cafes.

Ramb$ne

But if you try to steal my drink there I'll tell you it's mine, windbag, mine!

gellaho

Unsatisfactory poontang

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Boo hoo, I miss that woman I never told the reader much about and was never in the boooook."

FancyShark

"He died of dehydration in days."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dragonard catches Hyper Herpes and jizzes his own skeleton out.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Except he didn't! Because WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE

LyraV

I was sad after all that bangin, weep for Dragonard.

Brendan

Is Elena that space-broad he had one space-drink with?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

DRAGONARD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!

FancyShark

We assume so?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I have to assume getting attached to the first random woman who is half kind to you is genetic for Dragonards.

gellaho

Stranger-not-of-Korb

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

HE IS THE UNKORB!

FancyShark

SEIZE HIM!

gellaho

Genemute

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

TAKE HIM TO THE KORBENING CHAMBER!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

DESTROY THE NONKORBLIEVER

FancyShark

ENKORBENATE HIM!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Damn Wolf, you automatically assume this guy is a pimp. That's fucked up bro.

LyraV

Which beast tho?

gellaho

Most attractive woman of the quality

FancyShark

"Hi. Gene Mute here for all your Korbing accessories."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

KORB!

Ramb$ne

That's where they took all of his Old Friends

LyraV

I mean...space snail dung can't smell that bad.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

...to be clear, Dragonard looks like warmed over shit in a cloak right now

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah but he's probably at least one tall man tall.

gellaho

But how high thrusting were her tits

FancyShark

We interrupt your thrilling space adventure to watch a man get catfished

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She is very Korb indeed.

Check out the Korbs on that one!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

TONIGHT WE STEAL THE STARRRRRS!!!!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"Why does everyone wear a cloak, Jakes?"

"You think I'm gonna describe a fuckin' wardrobe?"

FancyShark

She's got a Korbin' form

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Space people love that Korb-glass figure.

waggles hands in vaguely non-Euclidean shape

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She's got Korbs and she knows how to use 'em

gellaho

There's the boner

FancyShark

He wants to climb St Helene

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Last names are strictly a third base proposition

gellaho

And immediately skyjacked

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I've seen Disney movies with less awkard boner metaphors

FancyShark

Happens to every guy at some point

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah nice, skypads, like footpads but in the sky.

FancyShark

Dagonard?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Good job, JAkes.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

everyone says everyone's full name so I'm picturing everyone talking with a southern Georgian accent

FancyShark

Oh haa, Wylie Dunnnn

gellaho

Gentledame

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Man, how many tall mans tall was the tall man?

FancyShark

GASP! Could he be the Standard Tall Man of Measurement?!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

gentledame and gentlesire, the two space genders

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I hope this is just a random robbery and not related to anything, and Dragonard just gives these guys their shit and they leave.

gellaho

Open them cheeks. With a knife.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You forgot Korb!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Taddeus

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh my god he's called skypad because they're footpads but in the air fuck off

LyraV

Dragonard is used to being greeted with failure

FancyShark

Hell yes on the new title, @LyraV

gellaho

Complete destruction

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

space cops train you in knife throwing?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The knife flew like a silver insect, except more weighted than that

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Eugh I hate it when I kill guys with foamy blood, its so much harder to get out of the drapes.

FancyShark

"He tore his knife out of the man's head" is more metal than I expected

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, the early Cybermen were a bitch to clean up after

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Self cleaning blood with foaming action sounds like a good idea but it just leads to worse problems.

gellaho

Dragonard the Gigalo

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The exchange between Korb and Enterprise wouldn't happen to require a lord, would it

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wait, what the fuck did she want with him in the first place?

FancyShark

The D

For "Dragonard"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I guesss it wasn't clear that this started as a booty call

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah the Mr. Blobby alien was a Korb pimp I think

gellaho

It was pretty clear

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Sometimes when you are fabulously wealthy and an aristocrat, you just want a beefy individual to stand around your house for a while.

FancyShark

First a gross guy asked him if he wanted to meet a pretty lady

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Sometimes nude, sometimes oiled up, sometimes feeding you grapes.

gellaho

Just fucking in front of the robot

FancyShark

Sometimes load bearing

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The robot gets to watch and record for later viewings.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

ideally you want a mix of genders and ethnicities and maybe species if you're in space.

FancyShark

The robot wants to know what it means to be human. Except this is not the setting to ask that.

gellaho

Baldur Brightstone cucked from the grave

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so far all we've gotten are horny silver sable and what sounds like a boiled danny devito

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

there are several schools of thought on that, regrettably

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Baldur died tragically when a sprig of mistlekorb pierced his skin.

gellaho

His boss was black

FancyShark

Bringing on Korbnarok

gellaho

Also, there are only like four characters so far

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh good, now all we need is for his boss to get nude and oil up and feed me grapes.

FancyShark

This conversation took an unexpected turn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

So I can experience true opulence.

gellaho

This can only end well

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Not so much a fall off the wagon as a headfirst dive, then