gellaho
"Let me drive, I've only had like 8 beers"
93: Tonight We Steal the Stars John Jakes
#3 Dragonard
Tags:
The Year of Pain
In II Galaxy, only Wolf Dragonard can make the impossible possible
Archive
FancyShark
FancyShark
I'm not sure I like the hero setting up a drunk driver just to remove him from the picture
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I'm trying to picture what the hell a "driving blip" is
FancyShark
It's like a blop, but lighter and faster
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You ever see a bubble canopy on a fighter jet? It's like that.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Almost as sleek as a blep but just a little bit less expensive.
gellaho
Vroom vroom!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nard V Ferrari
gellaho
Wheeeeeeeee
FancyShark
Dragonard vs Singing Albino
Brendan
Dragonard really ended up in a Burt Reynolds comedy this time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Carjacked by a carhorny albino drunk is not how I thought this would go.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if he wants the albino guy out of the way you might as well let him go on the drunken joyride. He'll crash himself into a wall going at the speed of sound and atomize
FancyShark
But what if he misses?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
at that speed and that level of inebriation he's gonna hit something
gellaho
A frantic gentleness
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's funny because this whole time I thought Dragonard was the horny albino drunk
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah work that guidebar. More......frantic gentleness.........almost there.
FancyShark
With chaotic placidity
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
is the guidebar supposed to be a joystick or a steering wheel
FancyShark
Probably should have checked before they got on the highway
gellaho
High-assed is back and better than ever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The word guidebar is raising a lot of questions that were already answered by the word guidebar
FancyShark
Drinking really takes it out of you
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Look, its a thing I was born with, you try living with your buttcheeks under your shoulder........NEVERMIND! Pull over or I vaporize your face!"
gellaho
Dragonard finds the automatic steering, just in time to get hit in the Dragonards
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
surprisingly maneuverable inside the driving blip of this supersonic transpo if he can double knee a dude from the passenger bucket
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Drake Dragonard, 1000 years in the future, winks out of existence.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that is the dumbest thing I've ever typed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSIBah fuck it you get it by now
gellaho
A pleasant way to go
FancyShark
"Now freeze"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE STEAL THE STARS
gellaho
Oopsie
Brendan
Everyone knows your soul can't leave your body if you seal all your orifices.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if he's got a huge crater in his sternum you'd think that'd fry his trachea and thus his ability to speak
Brendan
Oh wait, my buddy actually wrote a rad horror story about that.
FancyShark
Yaw that transpo, Dragonard
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
a black pit on an eight lane highway what the fuck is with this planet
gellaho
Let me land on these soft rocks, really quick
Brendan
Boop: https://www.mycomicshop.com/search?TID=51147628
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Pittsburgh roads, amirite
FancyShark
ooooo!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bookmarked.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus why would you put an ejector seat on your supersonic car? you'd get jettisoned and instantly full-body degloved by g-forces
FancyShark
It's fine. The embankment cushioned his fall
FancyShark
The dealership charges extra to disable it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Inertial dampeners in your bucket seats mean you can eject from your hypercar in safety and style.
gellaho
All in all, a pretty good day
FancyShark
GIF
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wait I thought this was a packed highway? why are there suddenly no cars?
gellaho
It was a test track
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just like that guy on The Expanse!
gellaho
Highways generally don't have banked turns and pitstops
FancyShark
Or Goose!
FancyShark
Civil engineers are gutless cowards
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the descriptor for the pitstop made it sound like the car was self-repairing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Hahaha why is this all its own gif, what the fuck
gellaho
Inject it directly in my veins, Jakes
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"seamy"?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Quackorium!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Why wouldnt it be?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"had a thriving aborto business til the space courts overthrew Robo v. Wado"
Brendan
Dr. Hercularis: Wookie Zoidberg
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Dr. Hercularis is a top tier name for a comic book doctor who makes a superstrength formula and injects it into like a baby or a dog.
Brendan
I remember the day Muldoonsworld criminalized abortos
gellaho
That cialis really helped my massive bruises
Brendan
Oh shit, this quack speaks Gunslinger High Speech.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shortly before the Blockade of Coat Hanger IV.
FancyShark
This is extra weird to me because there's a store in my town called Muldoon's
Brendan
The furry, dewlapped monstrosity in white lab coat crossed the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Im immediatly picturing this doctor as a wookie Gabby Hayes.
gellaho
The quack introduces him to the sexy knife, I mean Jenny
FancyShark
Proof that knife guys want to fuck their knives
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard has some really interesting pubic scars.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I feel like we could have avoided several weeks of fuck-ups by starting here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
But that wouldn't have been fun!
FancyShark
If we started here, there would still be an albino out drinking! This is better!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Jakes really did wanna just be R.E. Howard minus the suicide and not being able to talk to girls.
gellaho
Time for some probing
Brendan
Technically, no matter how you do it, the knife is fucking you.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
You can fuck a knife, but the knife will be fucking you harder.
FancyShark
GIF
Brendan
Dragonard's belly scowled.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
sounds like the only fuck Dragonard's about to get is of the mind variety
Brendan
Whitley Strieber's COMMUNION II
So does Walken just not own eyebrows?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Thats what the loop at the bottom of kunai are for.
FancyShark
They're retractable
gellaho
Probes seem pretty bad for the prober
Brendan
Regular or nictitating?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
damn, Lazaret's on some good shit
FancyShark
In winter, regular. In summer and mating season...
gellaho
Think about the length and thickness
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
In the mating season its both, it lures the females in so the Walken can grasp his mate by the face with his pharyngeal jaws.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's my secret, cap
FancyShark
"Hey, Lazaret? Haha, sorry, funny story. I didn't switch the inhibitors off yet. So don't try to probe his brain or- Laz? Dude?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"All I can see is some kind of wall? Also i hear a chant about making something great again? It's probably just psychic echoes."
Brendan
Boy Dragonard really Duned that Burt Reynolds comedy.
FancyShark
Dragonard thought about mice with tiny swords and spears
gellaho
The tentacles penetrate the wall
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Mr Dragonard, tear down this wall
FancyShark
Colonoscopies get weird in the future
gellaho
Good news, his thick wall killed the psychic
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"SOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU LIKE SUIKODEN?!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
seems like kind of a waste of a good psychic if you're gonna introduce him and kill him off in the same scene
FancyShark
Yee later admonishes Dragonard about killing one of their best psychics
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its not suspicious at all when you kill someone who was supposed to be probing your mind to see if you were suspicious or not.
LyraV
you can have ladylike gutter fury.
gellaho
Or he just passed out
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
"Ladylike Gutter Fury Lyra"
gellaho
He's the eraso from earlier
FancyShark
Thank god her breasts were taken into account
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
is it a shitty old sci-fi novel if we're not objectifying women?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jenny Sable is basically PS1 Lara Croft, with her sharp breasts and pointy earlobes.
LyraV
This might be the best thing I've ever heard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just once I'd like a shitty old sci fi novel to objectify a man's tits, just to shake things up.
gellaho
Jenny's cat shipment has arrived
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"you nearly killed the guy trying to vet you, wanna know about our entire operation?"
Brendan
On our planet, the hairy nipple is considered the most erotic, as with all advanced civilizations!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
*Is genuinely hoping there are cats.
Brendan
(I KNOW women have them, you don't have to tell me. Just send pictures if you need to prove a point)
gellaho
A very expensive shitbeast
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
magus has a name, gellaho.
LyraV
This explains a good portion of Barbarella.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
ew it's the reddit cumjar
FancyShark
Sbarro: Origins
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oooooh so this is how mozzarella is made.
I always figured it was gross.
LyraV
this broke me
FancyShark
Double fuck yeah on new title, @LyraV
LyraV
its too fucking funny
gellaho
A shock absorber, if you will
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Ew, it's the Reddit cumjar
FancyShark
Syrup lakes?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
right next to the treacle mines, presumably
Brendan
I'm bothered that everyone liked that joke except for Ferroday, whom it was meant for.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The peanut butter swamp was drained years ago to make room for a gazebo.
Ozzie
Pandering deserves no less
FancyShark
Wafflop commissioned the lake's construction
LyraV
Someone was playing Candyland while they were writing
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
sorry I missed it, I'm splitting attention between this and a youtube video essay about theranos
gellaho
My boner is upsetting the mission!
Brendan
Theranos was right!
FancyShark
It's high school all over again
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what is it about this guy that makes women wanna fuck him on sight?
Brendan
he's angry about everything.
FancyShark
His Dragonards
FancyShark
Kratos pulled
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
all he has done is bumblefuck his way through this whole escapade, he should look, sound, and feel like wringed-out roadkill
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
We dont get to know but his jokes are amazing and he smells like baking bread.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just like Raiders of the Lost Ark!
LyraV
Holy shit when did the Lords of the Exchange show up? Did I miss that? the fuck are they doing and don't say lording over the exchange.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Does being on this planet make Dragonard a Wheel idiot?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Dragonards are a long line of wheel idiots in a galaxy that has long forgotten what to call them
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cos sharp tittied space women love them some Wheel idiot.
gellaho
Bollix the monitors
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Running lights being a thing in space is such a quaint idea.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
kinda hate how much time is passing and how little it seems to matter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And in the book!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Time passes slower in the book cage
It's like the hyperbolic time chamber but we're just reading
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
well I guess a 60s fiction writer is used to long periods of faffing about
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When Gellaho closes the door it becomes a stasis cube so the books are fully outside time.
gellaho
That seems a good a place as any to stop
FancyShark
We partly did it!
LyraV
Pfff I missed the face inside his forehead
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh yeah is that supposed to be II as in 2, Second, or is it an i and an l together
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A FULL WEEK FROM NOW WE STEAL THE STARS
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
So pauses the 93rd Edition of the Book Cage
LyraV
everyone was on point tonight
Thank you @gellaho this was one for the Nard
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I was right about Arsgrat which means I win book cage forever. You all saw it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
like the tits of a hot alien thief-girl
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
gellaho
Just a villain who hasn't been around for the last seventy pages
It makes it very hard to judge how long a book is when it's in 8pt font and attached to another book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My moment of triumph, immortalized forever
FancyShark
Hell yes on the title, @Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Brendan
By the grace of the gods I'll be through the ring of fire this time next week.
and I will need a summary of tonight.
But first I gotta turn in two Hot Dogs, oy vey.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You're gonna do it Brendan, you know why?
Because WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE
FancyShark
Wolf Dragonard was seduced by a hallucination, beat up some fellow cops as a cover story, infiltrated a criminal operation intending to steal the stars, and was horny for a lady other than his dead wife. He also killed or coma'd a psychic that tried to probe his mind using only his mind.
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 93.5 - Tonight We Steal the Stars
Wolf Dragonard and his merry band consisting of a lady thief, a junky psychic, and some kind of electric shitbeast, have finally decided to steal the seven magic gems held by the Star King of General Motors. How will they capture the precious fictional gems on the planet Wheel? How is any of this real? Find out, in the exciting conclusion to the Dragonard Saga this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
FRIDAY NIGHT WE ACTUALLY STEAL THE STARS
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I can't wait to find out what Dragonard bumblefucks into that makes him weirdly attractive to all the women in a 10 mile radius
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Money? Probably money.
gellaho
Discord wouldn't let me put "shitbeast" in the event
gellaho
Little under an hour until Tonight We Steal the Stars resumes. Here's a reminder of where we left off.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dungish Effluvium is the name of my new garage band
FancyShark
Having given a false flight plan, ground control was unable to get the path clear for them and they smeared across the side of a space freighter. The End.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Once again, let me pretend I can book party while I very slowly watch Marvel movies for minute details on a 3" wide, watermarked screen set to 5% brightness.
gellaho
Let us resume the process
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
sup dragonerds
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE STEAL THE STARS FOR REAL THIS TIME
Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion
dragon nards?? oh
gellaho
Rehearsals, everyone
Brendan
"I tossed and turned all night thinking of YOU, you...you--MAN!"
FancyShark
It is vital that they be cranky during the heist
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Pffft, "rehearsals". A real heist party would freeball this shit the whole way through.
gellaho
The cupid of stews
FancyShark
Her tone indicated it was near her style, but not it precisely
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Apologizing to any maaaaaan isn't my style 😎
gellaho
PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY FAMOUS FAMILY'S SIGNET RING
FancyShark
"No. Got it in a box of Apple Jacks"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's where they teach you all the secrets of Jurisprudentialness, in case you were wondering
Brendan
No son of mine is going to get expelled from Wise Judge School! You'll sell space-grommets without the aid of my name!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dragonard: a family name that instantly invokes… lions and phoenixes.
FancyShark
I hate you, Space Dad! I'm gonna run away and join the Space Marshalls!
gellaho
The romance under the shitbeast
Brendan
this guy has Steele dad pheromones
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Don't get used to this either."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Make out with me, Dragonard! Make out with me in front of the cum creature! It eats Taco Bell shits for fuel!!"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
OMG it's already 5
FancyShark
Hyperventilating Turd is everyone's favorite scifi creature
gellaho
Dragonard is great at this undercover thing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
His name is Glup Shitto and I'll thank you to remember it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
people fall in love fast in this book, haven't they only known each other for like 3 whole fucking days
Brendan
This guy's still pining for a woman he had ONE drink with
FancyShark
First book, it only took a drink order
Brendan
until Jenny healed his heart.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Time dilation in space means they've been courting for like a month
Brendan
And that is why she must die.
GDC
The 'no damn good' was referring to his use of tongue
Brendan
To love is to be weak
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also like, he's doing this under a false identity, so he just kinda comes across as a shitbag for stringing her along romantically
Brendan
The life of a Dragonard demands total devotion to destruction of one's enemies.
FancyShark
And bonks on the head
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
TONIGHT WE TONGUE AWKWARDLY
FancyShark
Stop stealing my pickup lines
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
IN II GALAXY, ONLY WOLF DRAGONARD CAN MAKE THE ROMANTIC UNROMANTIC
gellaho
That was an Maximilian. A hundreds year old ancestor
Brendan
Nope, they're all reincarnated.
All one dude.
Same soul.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
for a guy morning his dead wife he seems to get into romantic trysts awful fast
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
gellaho
Complete dimensograms of the congruent dimensions
FancyShark
If Dragonard is revealed to be a Metabaron, this might be the day time collapses
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Metanard!!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"dimensograms" also known as blueprints
or perhaps a map
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
It would make a lot of sense
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
but this is 60s sci-fi land so everything has to have an unwieldy fancy techno name
FancyShark
Nels Brix sounds like the name of someone who would fail
GDC
Nels Brix is a real Glup Shitto of a name
FancyShark
That's your entire eulogy, Nels. Hope you liked it.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
The complete opposite of the iconic Tingo Spellhands
Brendan
Our destiny awaits--THERE! On planet Magna Vox!
gellaho
He died drunk driving an experimental race car. There are worse ways to go
FancyShark
For every action, an equal yet opposite reaction
FancyShark
lol, I forgot