FancyShark
"You're more than I can stomach, Vondamm. Wait, shit, I shot you in the balls."
93: Tonight We Steal the Stars John Jakes
#3 Dragonard
Tags:
The Year of Pain
In II Galaxy, only Wolf Dragonard can make the impossible possible
Archive
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
About what, I haven't the foggiest.
gellaho
Don't you hate it when your viscera gets all over your crotch?
FancyShark
He sobbed like a gutshot woman
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He sobbed like a stupid woman, like a useless slut, like a homicidal whore—
I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yes, stealing the stars. Here we go;
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Took him a whole minute to pass out after having his back walls blown out. That's some endurance.
And this is how many people Dragonard has killed at close range? But this one is threatening to make him vomit? Space flu?!
gellaho
Well, I guess might as well steal the stars now that my boss and mortal enemy are dead
FancyShark
"I have no dignity. Make love to me."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Do.......do people fuck in public alot?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
More than you'd think but less than you'd hope
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Does she watch it?! That seems like a her problem.
Brendan
A suggesto cube, or as you GAIA-DWELLERS call it, GHB
Brendan
HYPERSUGGESTO
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I kept trying to think of which channel GHB is on the TV because my brain thinks "TV = Suggesto Cube" and did not remember its also a drug.
"Is that the one with Piers Morgan?"
"No thats the BBC, probably GHB is more fun."
gellaho
Beautiful pumice
Brendan
To be fair to Jakes, my research proves most women sob when gutshot. Hi, I'm a Johnny Cash song character.
GDC
Dragonard can recognize pumice from 30,000 feet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Starts humming "Cocaine Blues"
gellaho
I AM NOT A COP
FancyShark
"Criminals smack of police. I hate crime because I hate law. I'm a stealer man."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Veins burst in Dragonard's face as he visibly represses the urge to scream "STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I AM VERY NOT SUSPICIOUS! YOU SUSPECT NOTHING. BOOBS!"
gellaho
What could go wrong carrying the shit beast while wearing all white
FancyShark
This plan is called Operation: Tempting Fate
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Seven Stars will juuuuust barely cover their dry cleaning bill, it's fine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
THey're gonna save SO MUCH on their energy bills tho, you guys.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
left to make dinner, what did I miss
oh good the cumjar's back
FancyShark
Big bad got shot in tummy and died
Heist still hasn't happened
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that's about what I would expect by now
FancyShark
I love how this is the third book and Jakes still can't have narratives play out side by side. Every subplot gets its own chunk of the book and everything else stops
gellaho
They landed perfectly, but also got fucked up by the pumice. Now Dragonard has stained his beautiful white clothes
FancyShark
Dragonard's been losing a lot of blood in this story. He's gonna be anemic by the end.
gellaho
Then he slashes up the psychic for no reason
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's like a human blood sausage, he's blood all the way thru.
Brendan
Maybe he borrowed Lazaret's blood.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just an accidental wrist slashing, that's never killed anyone right?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And then Lazaret gave him the biggest puppy eyes and left, sadly
gellaho
The fanboat security of general motors
FancyShark
Lazaret's hand falls off. He looks disappointed.
LyraV
Sorry for slashing you, I was drunk hope these flowers ease your pain
FancyShark
Fuck yes! Jakes gave us airships!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Functionless propellers"
So they don't work?
So the ship shouldn't fly?
gellaho
The general motors party boat
GDC
Really more like pinwheels
FancyShark
The Weinermobile 2000
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is gonna make a great Arsgrat pictoflic someday
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"ah, I conveniently failed to notice this giant blinking sign that says "OSTENTATIOUS"
gellaho
An exquisite shrug
FancyShark
Dragonard is thirsty for some Laz
Or he's filled with guilt
Or rage
GDC
Really going all-out on that shrug
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hornguilry
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
You really don't want a loose shitbox
FancyShark
lol, it has a bad wheel
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is why you get a hover dolly for things like this.
FancyShark
Just to make it that much worse
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I forget why they need the cumjar but I'm sure its absolutely critical in a way that makes total narrative sense vs just using a bomb.
GDC
Shouldn't have put the tank in that cart they stole from a grocery store
gellaho
Electrowalls
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The size of two man's sizes!!!
gellaho
It sucks electricity, so they'll use it to disable the electrowalls
GDC
Is Dragonard as tall as a tallman?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Triple barrier, but how many tall men thick is it?
gellaho
Ten, always ten
Even in non-Jakes material
FancyShark
hahaha, they're lugging a turd to throw it at the electric fence
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Taaaake THIS!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
out here that's just the local homecoming prank
FancyShark
...
Well, we tried
gellaho
Stink increase
FancyShark
It has elevated to stank
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Rage farts are real, tbf
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's shitting and farting with anticipation
GDC
Hanger farts
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I feel really attacked by this passage for some reason.
GDC
It's making me angry, and gassy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sloshes discontentedly
gellaho
Begin the piss sequence
FancyShark
Pissing on the electric fence first
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
depending on how much you've had to drink, it's a great way to get electrocuted
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I got my brother to do that once.
Brendan
You don't have to tell us Dragonard scowled, we assume.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Fear shits are where the real money is at in the '20s.
gellaho
The piss energy is infectious
FancyShark
The entire security team for the building is standing ten feet away, eating popcorn and watching silently
gellaho
Although most of the 950 men were dead due to the century that passed
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
ONly nine hundred and fifty?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I feel like I need a cigarette, preferably one with a stupid sci-fi name
FancyShark
Well, 949. Gary had to go check the circuit breaker.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Listen: Wolf Dragonard has come unstuck in time.
gellaho
So it goes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ashida Kim would tell you only like ten people can possibly fight you at one time, so basically it might as well be like three each.
gellaho
You really need a twitchy guy on your heist
LyraV
It was bound to happen
FancyShark
Helmets fold?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
duh
Brendan
LIIIIIPSSSS
GDC
GIF
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
helmets are widely known for their lack of structural integrity
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
More of a fashion accessory than PPE when it folds, but whatever. Space helmets.
gellaho
Bedeviled by children's drawings
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I also have magic stick men patrolling the grounds of my fortress. It keeps the food bills low.
FancyShark
That tune? Uptown Funk
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And those limbs are deceptively pointy.
GDC
Ah, they arrived during the GM Ren Faire
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Great attribute for undercover work
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Come the fuck on, Wolf.
Brendan
Those things kill more people than they save.
gellaho
He doesn't need booze, but does need drugs
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh she's totally hanging him out to dry in the third act
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I mean also you shake like a chihuahua on space meth when you smell alcohol, and you take a tarry difficult shit every hour."
Brendan
Think I want shards of anything hard enough to protect my skull driven into my head at combat speeds? No thank you, LIBERAL GLOBALISTS>
FancyShark
RIP, Bob the Builder
gellaho
You want 950 guards, but keep most of them asleep
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A precog but who tells everyone when the party is over and they should go home. Nice.
FancyShark
A tired guard is a fussy guard
Brendan
Space is on very strict solar rhythms.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ten of the awake ones are making runs for warm milk and reading stories to the ones that cant sleep.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Literally on the throneworld of the Lords of the Exchange and they still don't get paid enough to deal with this shit
gellaho
I know what will fix this drug problem: drugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You can't even buy a house on Wheel for what I make guarding Lord Genmo's stupid fake rocks."
Hahahah your precog ODed before the heist even really started?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'M TOTALLY NOT MURDERING THE REST OF MY HEIST CREW SO MY TAKE WILL BE BIGGER GUYS.
FancyShark
You know what could have saved Lazaret?
D.A.R.E.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you dont know your dealer.
gellaho
It'll be fine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"These psi boosters were cut with powdered sugar!"
FancyShark
I mean, he wasn't that good of a precog if he didn't see this coming
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
IN SIX HOURS WE STEAL THE STARS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Good enough for PreCrime, not good enough for Judge Dredd.
FancyShark
Dredd has standards
Wait, I mean bullets
gellaho
The congruent spatula dimension
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just one woman locked in a room with two addicts, what could go wrong?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Judge Anderson can see the future AND make heads explode.
Probably.
gellaho
Probably
FancyShark
Jenny's bedside manner is lacking
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha you likely killed him, Jenny your plan was really lacking in a couple aspects.
GDC
That stabbing earlier probably didn't help.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly, recruiting drug addicts wasnt even one of them. Like this heist is predicated on you waiting around for six hours and not being discovered.
Imagine if like Heat was six hours long.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
it wasn't?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if there's 946 guards and 30 are active at a time that indicates rotating shifts, how the fuck could they not get discovered
LyraV
'Will we actually come back for him' 'Probably'
FancyShark
Damn SAT problems
gellaho
XXX
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gonna Sam Fisher that shit I guess.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not Safe For Dragonard
Yeah, the Stars are literally priceless you dolt! They're artificial!
They can just make more!!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I still like "manerald"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that is the tackiest solar system display I have ever heard of
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This orrery kinda sucks
FancyShark
It was this or black velvet
GDC
It's like an astrolabe at Mar a Lago
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lord Genmo looks suspiciously orange and has small hands, squints alot.
gellaho
Yum, syrupy blackness
FancyShark
Jerk that cable, Dragonard
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And so Wolf Dragonard died hanging himself by accident just like that prick from Tarzan. So it goes.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
with a flaccid, slow moving body like that? not likely
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Vacuum 'em up
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
finally, dragonard sucking is being put to some use
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Imagine if there were no guards because the gems have an alarm on them.
And its LASERS!
Because all the best alarms are laser based.
FancyShark
He's supposed to keep each one in a separate jar so he can die up to seven times and get rezzed
gellaho
Eh, that's probably fine
GDC
He's collected all seven stars so he can become super Dragonard.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Now I can get my Crafting skill to 100!" Dragonard thought.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's a good thing alarm systems were also lost on the crossing to 2 Galaxy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
"eh fuck it I'm done stealing shit might as well leave evidence behind"
gellaho
The other dimensional lighting equipment explodes all over him
FancyShark
Cop instinct
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddammit book, I was fucking kidding about the laser alarm system.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Maybe we should have brought a bigger powerwind?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard is NOT getting an S rank on this mission, he's going to have to reload his save.
gellaho
Laughed like a man laughing
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
evocative, Jakes
real Hugo award shit
FancyShark
Similes are hard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A wild, tall man, laughing tallly.
GDC
Dragonard laughed one tall man's worth of laughter.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Then thought "Fuck it. " and laughed another half tall man's worth of laughter.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just gonna stand around laughing my ass off, it's not like we're trying to be stealthy or anything right?
gellaho
It wasn't easy going down in that hole
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And now Jenny betrays him, and leaves him dangling in that room by his ass.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If only she hadn't wasted all her murder drugs on Lazaret
FancyShark
Maybe don't admit your ED that quickly, Dragonard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"That wasnt easy, going down in that hole.", damn bro, dont put your woman on blast like that, she cant.........ohhhh you meant being dangled for gems. Nevermind.
GDC
You're not supposed to go down the ear canal, Dragonard.
Brendan
Oh Goddammit, this is planet Firestone tires?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The planet didnt split apart so probably not.
Brendan
I guess he picked well in that all of his businesses are extant.
gellaho
Dragonard has successfully led his lady love into a trap he was warned about
FancyShark
Hero
Brendan
"accidentally" bumping off Jenny now that Helene is ready to metal-fuck.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WOLF DRAGONARD MAKES EXTREMELY LIKELY CONSEQUENCES ALL BUT INEVITABLE
FancyShark
Bet he wishes he didn't beat up the taser cops now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fourty guards each, I hope Jenny brought enough drugs.
gellaho
Diplomatic Dynamite was the name of my punk album
FancyShark
"Don't shoot, I'm a cop. Who broke into your estate."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah you went ahead and did the heist but are still doing what?
gellaho
Jenny takes it well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Qualified immunity bitcheeeeees!!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is so fucking stupid
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly I'd just shoot them both in the face and put the gems back so I dont get fired.
gellaho
"And we'll just wheel out the filmex units whenever someone tells us to"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And damn but poor Jenny has bad luck with people, her companions in this were a cop, a half dead precog, and a jar of shitty cum.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she swapped one shitty alcoholic with a death wish for another
that was also a cop
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Group projects, amirite
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Look, we dont get to use the filmex units alot, its alot of fun and the summer palace is a boring post."
FancyShark
She didn't even get a ninja or a mandroid
gellaho
The blister format didn't really take off
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Buboes may have won the format war in II Galaxy, but real heads preferred blisters.
The Betamax of its time.
gellaho
Waterloo, famously associated with success
FancyShark
I was going to joke they watched the whole heist on camera. Well done, Jakes
hahaha
gellaho
Easkod isn't going to be happy they didn't use film
GDC
Blisters lost the format war to hd-cysts.
FancyShark
He's doing it again!
Brendan
Alright, I officially quit trying to do any of this Marvel tagging. Let's dragonard our dragonasses off.
FancyShark
He's wrapped up the whole nothing story and loaded the final chapter with an actual story!
gellaho
Hot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard evades punishment via gripping paperwork and meetings.
"Also your dick smells, and you like it when I do that thing with my feet."
"And your cum tastes like rye whiskey in a gas can."
gellaho
Classic general motors
GDC
Yeah my manager dresses like that. Makes Teams meetings real awkward.
gellaho
General Motors loves rocks
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"No, I wanted to talk to the Marshal, not a marching band dork."
FancyShark
"Like a rock"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dragonard, you are making demands from a real weak position here.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Now I'm imagining a child CEO
Brendan
Oh, we're still on planet General Motors?
GDC
Yeah, lots of car companies are looking for lithium sources for batteries.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Like a toddler on the Iron Throne.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh god it would be funny as hell if this guy just had them both shot and won, and that was the end of the trilogy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God. Please.
gellaho
The Cadillac of inside jobs
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yes
Yes
Come on Waterloo don't fuck this up. Do it for all the Ians out there.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No, its not piratical. Piracy involves stealing things from ships, this is burglary.
You fucking fool.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Piratical" sounds cooler tho
FancyShark
"We will destroy the resistance by luring three dipshits into a killzone"
gellaho
A very fancy boy villain this time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah I mean you fucked it up so bad, Dragonard.
FancyShark
"Sir, is there something elaborate you wanted done to them or are you just giving them a chance to escape?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I sentence you to DETENTION!
GDC
Waterloo practiced the cape thing in the mirror for hours.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You are SO GROUNDED, mister!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You literally could not have fucked this up more if you tried.
gellaho
Oh, yeah, gimme them fake materials Jakes. You know what I like
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And it was his job to try!!
You're telling me this lite is trans?
Good for them! Good for them.
FancyShark
No, it's trans lite. That means it hasn't committed to the switch but it's supportive
Brendan
Sorry I ruined your life. I did it to protect you. Please love me. I can't say it back. Glub.
gellaho
Ask your physician about Theracouch
Brendan
Oh shit, she's folding her arms! She's ready to forrrrrgiiiiive!
"Damn it Maverick. I think I am falling in love with you."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"YEs, I know we are in a cell, exactly like you would be if I HAD betrayed you, but baby I swear I didnt mean to do the thing I was sent here to do!"