Introduction

Spurt Hartwood: Welcome, Dick Fight fans, to the 1900HOTDOG.com 2024 Dick Fight Island Tournament, here at the PoxCo Arena in beautiful [LOCATION REDACTED], where the crowd is positively ejaculating with excitement. I'm Spurt Hartwood, here to provide your commentary on the action alongside Anasta Pound and our newest colleague, Thad Cockrang. Thad, Anasta, welcome both. What can we expect to see today?

Anasta Pound: Thanks, Spurt. Great to see you. This year we have a bit of a different format. We have six contenders, and last year's champion, Baal-Chok. The first and second place winners from the pre-tournament "Most Slappable Ass" contest will have a bye for the first round, and the champion among all six will go cock-to-cock against Baal-Chok in the finals. We've also added a half-time show, featuring Baal-Chok. The repairs after last year's tournament have been completed; we've been informed they just finished power washing the arena last week. Thad, you're also here.

Thad Cockrang: Thanks, Spurt, Anasta! I'm excited to be here! Whose dog is that?

Spurt Hartwood: That's Eugene B. Snoot, general manager of the arena.

Eugene B. Snoot: Woof! [*tail wags*]

Thad Cockrang: Well, ain't that delightful? As for me, I'm just a simple man who transferred in from the United States' collegiate wrestling league, southern circuit. I know a thing or two about pinning a man to the mat. Speaking of pinning, I found this note nailed to the door of the announcer booth. It says "YOU'LL SEE. YOU'LL ALL SEE. Kisses, The Masked Twink".

Spurt Hartwood: The Masked Twink is a bit of an unknown on the roster. He submitted his name and paperwork but has given us no information on his style, his armor, or his origins. As of now he's not considered competing, but if he shows up I'm sure we can ram him in somewhere.