Thad Cockrang: Now Jeff and I are two kindred spirits and Jeff has shown me the research he done on Hart. Jeff says that, "Hart is 8-10 feet tall and weighs between 800 and 1200 pounds, so he can do some damage".

Anasta Pound: Spurt, is that right?

Spurt Hartwood: No. Hailing from the Stag Party Clan, Hart Deor sports some formidable looking antlers, and those hooves don't look too friendly, either.

Eugene B. Snoot: Woof!

Anasta Pound: Jeff has hastily set up a trap for Hart using raw meat as bait, and now appears to be trying to perform a single-man pincer maneuver to chase him into it. Let's check on the thermal view and - nope, he's got nothing. Spurt, look at the thermal view, does this make sense to you --

Thad Cockrang: Oh god! What just happened?

Spurt Hartwood: Oh, er, huh, let's look at the replay... How did we not capture that?

Anasta Pound: Well, clearly Hart got the drop on Jeff and bucked him. But our camera man only caught Jeff's reaction. Hart Deor wins!

Spurt Hartwood: [Old man grunting, papers shuffling] Next up, we have OG Dalton versus the chosen of the Metallurgical Consecrators Clan, Abner Humphry Wallace! Abner's fighting style is known as the "Clockwork Cock Smash", with a secret technique he calls "Electromagnetic Gear-Driven Ultra-Pulsator Overdrive".

Thad Cockrang: I don't trust magnets.

Anasta Pound: Dalton fared well in the first round, but this opponent's dick armor definitely doesn't have a throat to rip. Dalton appears to be repeating his opening strategy from the first round, standing perfectly still and smirking. Abner's armor, on the other hand, is engaging - the gears are beginning to turn-

Spurt Hartwood: By golly, look at it go! The gears, the steam pouring from the chimney - is that a whistle I hear? Those pistons sure are firing! Reminds me of the steam locomotive I used to ride from Yonkers to Poughkeepsie…

Eugene B. Snoot: [*Yawn*]

Thad Cockrang: I think Dalton is going for another throat rip! OH! OH, GOD! HIS HAND!

Anasta Pound: He says pain don't hurt but the stump covered in hamburger that used to be his armor's hand says otherwise. That seems to have rendered all of his attacks and defenses useless, and at long last, Dalton must succumb to industry.

Spurt Hartwood: Abner wins!