Brendan
Maryland never forgave New York for keeping it from being burned.
96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson
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The Year of Pain
When the mask comes off, the horror begins...
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Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
MD never forgave New York for something?
Join the damn club
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
New York has a lot to answer for, its true.
gellaho
Dramatic game panels
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's fitting. The heroes in this book are about as stupid as the average X-Man.
Brendan
Kathryn took a walk through the arcade.
Probably while eating an ice cream
WAIT
I just realized Kathryn lived in Groton
gellaho
Jerked into a rigid band. Whatever that means
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lethal Enforcers was pretty fire.
Brendan
which means the closest version of this boardwalk is half a mile from my house.
I PLAYED THAT X-MEN GAME
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The X Men arcade game was also good.
Brendan
They stayed open one off-season and nobody came except me. I had a private arcade after school. It was amazing.
gellaho
Tony seems to be turning southern
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Would have been more authentic if they had a Splatterhouse machine too tho.
Brendan
The arcade at this place hasn't upgraded since that X-men game.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We can't talk about murder in this murder mystery(?) book
Brendan
It still has Burger Time.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, Burger Time.
gellaho
Ah, the streets
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wait are cats supposed to give a shit about thunderstorms? Mine dont.
Also Chris has a fundamentally flawed conception of addiction.
And by extension Kathryn.
FancyShark
The mean streets of Northeastern United States
gellaho
This the first time you've considered drugs might do something to people's brains, Chris?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris he does COCAINE. It's kind of cokes thing, messing with your thinkmeat syrup.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Chris no longer trusted his dipshit deadbeat cousin. After thirty four years he'd finally broken his trust.
gellaho
I mean, Baltimore is in Maryland
Meanwhile: The library
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris you know for a fact your familial obligation is to bury Tony in the woods for poisoning that kid.
Diane better get ambushed by mob gunmen and have to fight her way out, Kathryn.
gellaho
Seems like this Chronicle would be missing an entire decade at this point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Becky is gunning for Slap Magnet Prime I see.
gellaho
She pronounced "the party" like the party
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane, if you push the book shelf hard enough it will tip over and they tend to be really heavy.
Just saying.
Also what the fuck does italics sound like, Kathryn?
gellaho
Becky, who was at said party, believes there was unlimited booze and coke that wasn't there
gellaho
Then does something very strange with her mouth
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Becky you fucking suck, no wonder nobody invites you to the unlimited booze and drug parties.
FancyShark
"You lie!"
GIF
Brendan
This book is a lot better if you imagine this is Chris and Tony Soprano.
gellaho
Just have Marty twisting his mustache at this point, Kathryn
Brendan
How come you sided with your best friend for defending you after I hit you, ar durrrr
Actually, that tracks for asshole behavior.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane its really great how you are just now coming to understand what a fuckin prick Marty is.
gellaho
Does this school not have a librarian? Or teachers?
Brendan
It's weird how they're both ignoring that Mo attacking Marty is BECAUSE he hit Diane.
gellaho
Just kids having a loud argument in the library? OK, Kathryn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And literally everyone else in the room coming to watch.
School librarian: "Whatever. I dont get paid enough to deal with this."
gellaho
It's just that easy, everybody
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Martin Best? More like Martin Worst!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It took her til now to realize this.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane this should have been a stabbing.
And not a word stabbing, which is what you actually did.
gellaho
Marty just realizing it was a bad idea to beat the daughter of a police officer
Brendan
The only good thing I have to say about Marty is he's not a racist.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marty's not gonna last long enough to press charges, Diane.
Marty's gonna surface in the bay tomorrow fucking morning.
FancyShark
His torso will, anyway
Brendan
Tony vs Marty: penis-dueling, like the banana slugs do!
gellaho
So hitting black women means you aren't a racist, got it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane maybe you should do that anyway?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marshall is going to be gnawing on his femur and no one's going to say a word about it.
gellaho
Here comes Jeff to try and get this fight really started
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kick his ass Jeff.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Snap his neck with a book, Jeff!
Brendan
Woah woah woah! He didn't hit her because she's Black! He hit her because she's physically weaker than he is and he can get away with it because she believed he loved her!
It's totally different!
gellaho
That's a simile you could use, sure
Brendan
It's not a simile. Those are the coils his father used to press Marty's face into as they warmed up to teach him toughness.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Was- was that a joke? Or does Jeff just have really bad priorities?
gellaho
Who knows
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This fight is taking so fucking long to get started.
Brendan
Jeff is starting with jokes from where Diane's been misled and walking backwards slowly with her hands in his.
gellaho
Unnecessary paragraph break, sure
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like a Dragon Ball fight, there's always an issue or two of monologuing before the fight can last the rest of the year
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"CURSE YOU BA.......JEFF SIMPSON!"
Brendan
Isn't Jeff basically Ox Dauber with a brain? Marty's writing checks his women-hitting fists can't cash.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's been doing that all book but here especially
gellaho
Jeff, stop talking
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Aw Jeff, you blew it.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Would the woman-beater do something cowardly?
I dunno, Jeff. The whole world wonders.
gellaho
INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR DAD
Brendan
Jeff is already doing mentalist shit on Diane and she's been single and unmanipulated for 31 seconds.
gellaho
Good thing you don't look at people's heads when they're talking, otherwise Jeff might notice this subtle signal
Brendan
IF I MAY PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Mo, why are you closing one eye and tilting your head like that? You look weird."
Brendan
HS boys are generally awful at reading body language stuff like that while girls aren't.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Also why does my dog have fig shits?"
Brendan
Take it from me, I'm involved in several criminal conspiracies to take over regional high schools' drug rings.
gellaho
I'm assuming you've done many studies on this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just HS boys?
I'm like that and I have a salary.
Brendan
Beats me, I only hang out with teens because I'm so rad I never had to grow up.
gellaho
CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Whatever you say, Skeezer Pan
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
do not!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Brendan wears green tights and pointy toed shoes to kidnap children and fight pirates.
gellaho
This can only go well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They'll kill you.
No joke, straight up. Your lives are forefeit.
You ever watch the first third of Shrunken Heads? That'll be you.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God that movie was dire.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Did you watch it… in your condominium?
gellaho
I'm sure they'd leave it in the truck of a rotting car in the street
FancyShark
Major drug lords love attending high school parties
gellaho
Yeah, that's probably it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Diane because major drug lords are often 18-19 year old boys from Brooklyn.
Like El Chapo.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
For when you need to get your snack on between coke deals.
Brendan
No I wear those AND kidnap children. The two are unconnected.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I mean they look comfortable.
Brendan
Like all white people, Mo wants to know if you've seen The Wire.
FancyShark
It's so good!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Watch the contents of his trunk be an old flat tire, a wrench, a road flare, and a bag of milk bones he forgot about.
gellaho
Oil! The fiend!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"ITS! A TIRE IRON!"
FancyShark
My god. He killed a dinosaur and left it in the trunk so long it became oil!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She pulls out a bag of King Arthur flour and feels very sheepish.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or a shotgun.
Which is fine to have in your trunk.
Brendan
pfffft as if any HS boy could forget a sack of those tasty treats.
gellaho
What are you going to tell her dad? That you broke into a guy's car and there was nothing illegal there?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh my god he is obeying gun laws!"
gellaho
The dog smelled gun and started freaking out? The police dog?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, the most officer O'Hara can do here is ding him for improper storage
You, on the other hand, are going to fucking jail for B&E
FancyShark
He was on the Nerf patrol
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah that broken down rifle needs to be wrapped in cloth and put in a container or you will have bolts and springs all over your trunk.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At least get a case for it, man. Sheesh.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well he is kinda broke so I cant blame him for not having a case.
gellaho
They did?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn Maureen is not a patriot who supports the 2A.
gellaho
I can't imagine this court case is going to go very well
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hey you realize we can't hold him for very long or charge him with anything, right?"
"Like everyone in this town has a gun in their car."
FancyShark
"It says here he's from New York. You know that's not a felony, right?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Right now we are holding him on "Suspicion of Being Too Italian" but as soon as his lawyer remembers we repealed that law in 1923 we have to let him go."
gellaho
Alrighty then
gellaho
That is a coincidence
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THEN WHY DIDN'T MAUREEN FIND THAT INSTEAD
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cmon that could have been anyones crack.
Its the 90s.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
ARGH ARGH GRARGH BLARGHSGHLSFHGB
FancyShark
Or Marshall has developed an affection for the great scent of Tide
gellaho
Buh
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You could get crack from the CIA if you said you wanted to destroy communism and black communities.
gellaho
Well, who doesn't
Brendan
If outlawing Italians having guns is outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
gellaho
That's why kids love eating the pods
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And destroying communism was somewhat optional by 91.
Brendan
Speaking personally, I only eat Tide pods to fit in with my teen "crew," The X-TREENS
gellaho
Ah, so Chris was also a dirt bag
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The kid that is half teen, half skateboard, Skataur, is really impressed.
Brendan
There's Radical Spab, Stoner Gus, Boofer, Rifle Cholly, Girl Gina, and of course, Wheelchair Kid.
gellaho
It's a great thing there are no flaws in this case that a hot-shot New York City lawyer could take advantage of
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Look for them all in Kathryn's upcoming unauthorized remake of The Sting, coming soon to home video!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but again. 1993, whomst among us didnt sell crack to children in the 90s. The money is so good!
gellaho
It's not like it was obtained via teen b&e
gellaho
Boofer was so hot
And that doesn't sound unlike Gen13
And I thought I loved that hood
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah lots of people think there's more depth to Jason Todd than there really is
FancyShark
He was so slick, running after her when she fled on the pier and him not being Gary
gellaho
Cry for the periwinkles
Brendan
Ew, she got crime-cooties.
FancyShark
We are so many leagues away from what the cover promised
Brendan
I cry for the periwinkles because acidification is making them unable to form shells, but I guess we all stare into different navels.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Welp, she kissed the druggie, she has to start smoking and get an abortion. Those are the rules, Maureen.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Honestly I think it worked better with naval
gellaho
Maureen has a panic attack and needs to see Kevin. I'm only including this for what happens next
FancyShark
But she's not even preg-
Brendan
THEY KISSED, SHARK
FancyShark
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
gellaho
gellaho
FancyShark
Someone fetch the scarlet A for her dress
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kissing a girl with a name like Maureen Murphy results in preganananantsy 1000% of the time. Fact.
gellaho
Especially if you cross Assawoman Bay
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Thats how you get twins.
FancyShark
"Now assawoman," said the drunk.
"And so our bay is named!" they declared
gellaho
Jesus Christ
gellaho
GET UP YOU DUMB, COMATOSE SONOFABITCH
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen that isnt how siblings work. Your parents definitely will make a third child.
Your dad loves raw dogging.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man, fuck this Kevin.
At least Kevin McCallister would have set up some fun traps and knocked out Tony.
Brendan
Lots of girls are assawomen, to be honest.
gellaho
Sure they do
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm an assaman, is that anything
Brendan
SHE FIXED COCAINE
FancyShark
Ever berate a comatose patient so much they convulse? Our hero has!
gellaho
"We call it Jack-in-the-Box syndrome, perfectly natural"
Brendan
Jesus, he's been awake thirteen seconds and she's already back to being exasperated with him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not gonna overshare about medical shit during book cage but the fake doctor's sort of kind of almost right here so I call this plausible
FancyShark
"KILL IT! KILL IT! I REGRET CALLING HIM BACK FROM THE ABYSS!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Toddlers are like that
Brendan
Line of the night, folks.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hope you dont mind, Maureen but you're getting a second sibling. Your parents started trying as soon as Kevin was loaded in the ambulance.
gellaho
You know those little habits we all have like chewing your finger nails, picking your nose, heroin
FancyShark
We're not near the end of the book already, are we? This feels too soon for the wrap-up narrative.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tony, you are a bad drug dealer. You should transition to just doing drugs full time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
There's gotta be a fifth act twist coming up
gellaho
That witch is trying to take my pcp!
FancyShark
He got all the mollusks hooked on speed. All he has to do now is tell them Maureen's address and they'll attack.
Brendan
Can't sell your three most addictive drugs in NYC? Why not try a shuttered summer tourist town in Maryland?
gellaho
Time to mellow out with some pcp
Brendan
Labor Day is a blue ocean BY a blue ocean for hooking "teens" on DOPE*
gellaho
You've got plenty of nothing to look forward too
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddam witches, always trying to take my PCP.
Brendan
*Drug Oddiction Please Excelsior
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man, I do kinda wanna go to the beach now though.
Brendan
See? Neurolinguistic programming. That's the power of DRUGS
gellaho
Third person/group vows vengeance
Brendan
*Doing Rad Uddictions Good Seeya
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh I got it confused with DRUGS: Daring Rescue of UnderGround Serpents.
FancyShark
"Or maybe I'll just do a bunch of drugs and forget what feet are"
Brendan
A common mistake. You will die for it.
FancyShark
In Tony's drug-addled brain, the buoy near the pier is Maureen. His bloated corpse will eventually wash up in Cuba
gellaho
Kathryn's been watching the soaps again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris you are really into this girl who is both a dingus and hates you. Give it up.
Brendan
brother cousin?
Oh I see, mea culpa. I will die for it.
gellaho
"Yes, it was very impressive"
FancyShark
Trust him, Maureen. You've known him nearly 36 hours.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yes it shocked me because I am a privileged middle class white girl in a resort town! I didnt know drugs existed for real!"
"I thought the DARE officer made all that up!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair most of the time they are.
gellaho
Fifth grade, eh?
Brendan
He's gonna confess to one manslaughter to avoid being judged emotionally for assault.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Bad crowd" is Kathryn for "Trying to grapple with themes I dont understand."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dlQDhAPOkT0
gellaho
"My Mom taught me right from wrong. And so, in accordance with her wishes, I started doing and selling cocaine. I think she'd appreciate that"
FancyShark
How an average white suburban mom thinks drug dealers confess
Brendan
It was da 1980s and da great age of tracksuits wuz upon'us
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I wanna find the person who thought "Drug dealers would give kids free cocaine." and hit them. That shit was expensive, at what point would a fucking fourth grader have money for that?
FancyShark
"They dressed fancy, ate in ritzy restaurants, drove expensive cars and actually I think I'm thinking of stock brokers. Ooo! I should be a stock broker!"
Brendan
This whole book started off as the Two Shades of Grey but for A Bronx Tale.
or the first act of Goodfellas, I dunno.
gellaho
"I mean, that's probably going to happen again here. They don't have any explanation for how they knew that stuff was in my trunk"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The whole point of crack is you get fucked up for practically nothing, cmon, Kathryn.
FancyShark
First rock's free. And apparently all the subsequent ones are, too if you're short on cash.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Really the best way to get free drugs is to be a cop and rob drug dealers.
FancyShark
Or to make your own
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They dont tell you that explicitly in DARE tho, but we knew.
gellaho
"I watch a ten year old do coke, please date me"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"I continued selling the drugs. I just asked customers not to use them near me."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I don't want it near schools, and I don't want it near kids."
"Other than that? Go nuts."
FancyShark
"When you think about it, I'm a hero."
gellaho
"Do you think I should keep hanging out with Tony?"
Brendan
I would never poison a ten-year-old because I've seen what that leads to.
Dude, from a Maryland shore? He could do it in three.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris.....I turned around. You let your drug dealing cousin borrow your car and didnt check it afterward? You deserve to be in jail for being a fuckin idiot.
FancyShark
"Honestly, Tony was keeping a lot of plates in the air that relied on him not getting caught at a high school party"
gellaho
Chris has a fantastic plan: get his bones out of his skin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I stayed out of jail by always checking my trunk after my brother used my car, Chris. Its not hard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Tony once confessed to me that he was probably da one wot shot JFK please date me
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It also keeps you safe from car bombs, Chris.
gellaho
RIP Iola
FancyShark
This is a very weird origin for Marrow. I'm seeing why Marvel went with "mutant" instead
gellaho
Good lord, Kathryn really lights up when it's time to describe the suffering of children
gellaho
You think she'd do it more, considering these are supposedly horror books
Brendan
I can do more to save this boy's life medically out there than I can here in jail. I've sold a lot of drugs, I know how to reverse them.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The horror is the broken system that makes children doing drugs a reality................maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
Kathryn trying to dabble in some Trainspotting spec writing
gellaho
Can't believe that plan didn't work
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah the country really all went to shit when we started letting in those drug running Italians
<clap clap>
gellaho
Good thing this interrogation room has a window to the outside, I guess
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris..........just wait for your fucking lawyer.
Brendan
The Sacco & Venzetti judge tried to warn us our mercy would be abused like this.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And people say we need to defund the police.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Seriously dude, just wait for your lawyer.
gellaho
I'm sure the police will let this slide
