96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson

FancyShark

It's fine. This is fine. No problem.

Brendan

It's okay, officer. I'm breaking my parole for TRUE LOVE

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

WITH CATLIKE TREAAAAAD

Brendan

still they say we belong to the night we belong undercooooverrrrr

FancyShark

Well, who am I to stand in your way? Go find her, you lovestruck fool!

Brendan

we belong to the sound of the coke we've both drunk ourselves unnnnnderrrrr

gellaho

The Hut is where I go to work through things, too

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Ya gotta get me to the Pizza Hut before her plane leaves, officer! I'll never see her again!!"

FancyShark

Pizza Hut: Okay, yes, some of our clientele are drug-running teens. But we have pretty good pizza!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What Pizza Hut is open to whiny teens at 11pm

gellaho

GIF

This couldn't possibly be some kind of trap

gellaho

Definitely

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The best one, the one where you know Carl, who works there and will give you extra breadsticks.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh man, I forgot all about Carl. What a guy

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Because after school parties have gone so well for you so far, Mo

gellaho

These names are just so terrible

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like anyone is inviting Maureen to a party now.

FancyShark

Always sign your invitations by reminding the reader what your relationship is

gellaho

Radical

FancyShark

Pratically revolutionary, hosting a party at an arcade

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I think the only reason Maureen is named the way she is is because her parents wanted to name her Moron when she was born and the doctors on call took pity.

gellaho

Crazy, right

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Arcade Bolshevism will never catch on.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Not until the 2020s anyway

FancyShark

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

For someone who freaked out over a couple guns in someones trunk and someone owning a knife for self defense, Maureen is kind of not very alert.

gellaho

Maureen actively running towards murder

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, you fucking goober.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, on the boardwalk out in all the salty air is definitely where I'd put my wax museum.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You walked right into the Jokers trap, and Batman is across town fighting the Scarecrow!

FancyShark

A wax museum? This boardwalk really is radical!

gellaho

Just doing haunted house stuff now

Brendan

The wax museum was where they stored all the off-season murdered arcade kids.

Has this museum been mentioned in any of our numerous tours of the beach and boardwalk?

FancyShark

It has not

gellaho

The Pier is 18 miles long

FancyShark

Which means the boardwalk has had more development than any character

Brendan

All of this is Becky just getting revenge for not inviting her.

Brendan

So is this book.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If they wander into a hall of mirrors we'll have officially hit Enter the Dragon levels of bankruptcy.

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure this drugged out teen who can't see straight could set this up

FancyShark

Badger, I think you called it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha he's instantly a fucking bond supervillain.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well at least it wont go full Bloody Parrot.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Instead of being what he is, a mobster, and just running up and bashing her to death with a lead pipe.

gellaho

Oh, so he can't see anything then

Brendan

Well at leats Tony can't stab her if he can't see.

FancyShark

Or leaving town. Since no one can track down the swarthy Mediterranean lad in Whitebread, MA

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen its taking you a really long time to understand he is going to murder you.

Brendan

She's going to put her coat on a wax figure and Tony will stab it thinking it's her.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.

gellaho

The Little Drips

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Assuming the PCP doesnt make him eat his own face first.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And then she'll slowly pivot around in the corner where she's pretending to be a mannequin and shoot him, I've seen Man with the Golden Gun

Brendan

You put Chris in jail for the crimes that I framed him for! Now you die.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The Little Drips is the worst The Four Blobs cover band.

gellaho

Notoriously, PCP makes people weaker

FancyShark

This better end with Marshall ripping out Tony's throat

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nah Mo, rush the guy with the knife. What could go wrong

FancyShark

Drinks: They explode

gellaho

And drugs make you more dextrous

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hey I have a question. What happened to that old couple in the preview who got knife murdered?

Or do they just not exist in this timeline?

FancyShark

"Wait. YOU sent the letter?"

"Dammit, Maureen, haven't you been listening?"

"Oh my god, you're Tony!"

"uggghhh"

gellaho

You mean Maureen and Kevin?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus, it only just now clicked for me that that was supposed to be them.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

God this is the most boring stabbing ive ever read about.

gellaho

Too good

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just stab the girl so we can all go home, Tony.

FancyShark

Nothing in this book is "too good", Kathryn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn comes from the "Drugs make you superhuman" school of thought I see.

gellaho

Kewpie

Brendan

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

A......what?

FancyShark

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She ran like a demon, demons being well known for their speed

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Im gonna level with y'all..........Ive never seen a Kewpie doll.

Brendan

Demons suck at running. Those goat hooves? fffft

FancyShark

oh god, that's so much worse that I thought

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I thought for a long time they were made up.

gellaho

Covering some ground

Brendan

it was a speed demon

So we're settled on Tony being the coke cup guy like we always knew?

FancyShark

Yep!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just........dive in the bay and swim? Maureen?

FancyShark

Mystery thwarted!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I mean yeah its probably pretty cold but cmon.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It was a very compelling mystery too. All sorts of devious double bluffs

gellaho

Didn't Tony already do that?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

… would they?

FancyShark

And she's a champion swimmer. We established that at the start of the book

gellaho

Don't worry about that

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen im just so tired of you. Get stabbed like a good Irish girl and die so I can go do something exciting like eat a slice of plain white bread.

Brendan

new yorkers can't swim on account of all the metal studs in their ledduh jackits

gellaho

You fucked up your hands so bad the bones were showing, man

FancyShark

Italians can't swim. Vice City taught me that.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just as well because the water in New York is 40% live rats.

And the rest is newspapers and hotdog wrappers.

gellaho

Probably shouldn't have broken out of the police station then, dipshit

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This is why Rome never had a decent navy to speak of.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Never ever

FancyShark

Don't pass out on Dolphin Street. You can kiss your internal organs goodbye if you do.

Brendan

But the rats are 70% water!

gellaho

They have storm windows in Maryland?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hey Chris, The Fugitive is a good movie but its not a good idea to base your legal defense strategy on it.

Brendan

Mo overthinks. Chris overfeels.

gellaho

Those dolphins are relentless

Brendan

sexually, or...?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Chris you went all the way to Maureens house?!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yes.

Brendan

He would walk 18 miles and walk 18 more

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He's gonna have to because she doesnt live near the beach.

Brendan

Take it from a shoreline kid. You do NOT want an entire beach town's off-season cops looking for you.

East Lyme cops were bored AF 3/4 of the year.

gellaho

He's gonna be, gonna be... in prison

Brendan

Prison is just haveling with fewer Scots

gellaho

Welp, I'm a fugitive. Better try to talk to this police dog

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yes dogs are famously something you can negotiate with like that.

FancyShark

"Meat?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Oh yeah I remember you. The guy who's cousin choked the shit out of that girl. WOOFWOOFWOOOFWOOF!"

gellaho

This is a bold strategy, let's see if it pays off

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"We dropped her off at the old haunted insane asylum hours ago. She said she needed alone time."

gellaho

An A-Bomb's mushroom cloud

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Your dad sucks at his job if his barking dog didnt alert him already, Diane.

FancyShark

Chris, if you want Diane to cooperate, just remind her that Marty cheats on her

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane........YOU CAME TO SEE WHAT THE DOG WAS BARKING AT!

gellaho

Please let my cousin have a chance to sell PCP to kids again!

FancyShark

Tony wants to suicide by cop and dammit, Chris is going to help

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Aw Chris, its cute you think the resort cops wont just beat him to death in his cell.

gellaho

So, Diane does the first sensible thing in this book and calls the cops

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You escaped and now they're blood horny.

FancyShark

The cops let him get as far as the boardwalk so they can stop by that radical arcade

gellaho

Looks like Diane is trying to get murdered now

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane picks now to narc.

FancyShark

Man, that poor dog. No one should have "work" as their favorite word.

gellaho

I hope someone dies

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Please let someone die.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I hope Mo doesn't die either!

The cool one. Not this lameass.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryns murder mystery books have a body count that is lower than the number of books that exist.

gellaho

The man makes a good point

FancyShark

Nothing builds tension like a character we don't like chasing after a character we also don't like

Brendan

Why is Diane's dad like some unseen figure?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tony.........you're about to stab a teen girl to death. You can call her a bitch, you've already proven you're a bad guy.

Brendan

I legitimately read this as Maureen fucked on the power switch and thought...

Rad if you don't get hurt

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Smart, Tony. If she got away in that Ferris wheel gondola, she'd be long gone

gellaho

Murder in his eyes, but just now

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tony if you dont fall off the Ferris Wheel and hit the spokes like that dude in The Raid who hits that rail and looks like he turned into a puppet I swear to God........

Also Maureen, if he broke his leg he broke it, PCP doesnt make your bones work when they shouldnt.

gellaho

Oh, right, they're circles. Might as well give up

FancyShark

Why do murderers always pursue people onto the ferris wheel. Just wait. It'll come back around.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fun fact: one of the first people to ever ride in a Ferris Wheel, at the Chicago World's Fair where it was first presented, had a panic attack on realizing they were so high up. He had to be sedated by a woman who wrapped her skirt around his head to keep him calm.

gellaho

Ferris wheels also just go round and round automatically without stopping, right?

FancyShark

I think so?

Unless the operator is sober

So, yes

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

it's like Kathryn is trying to do the end of Strangers on a Train but stupider somehow.

gellaho

Well that was pointless

FancyShark

HE'S UNARMED! SHOOT HIM!

No, you can't put your hands down. He said don't move.

gellaho

"Wait, listen to the guy who admitted to selling cocaine to kids"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I think Marshall should nip Chris in the balls just once. As a treat.

It's what he deserves.

gellaho

He also did that to himself, so he can deal with it

FancyShark

"He's been a danger to himself and others before. Please don't hold it against him!"

Brendan

It was a long gamble but it paid off.

gellaho

Reynolds out here really giving Chris all the opportunities to run away. It's not like he accosted his daughter or anything

gellaho

Wait

Brendan

See? Diane's father is STILL just a voice and he's IN THE ROOM

What is, he, God? Is this all an elaborate metaphor?

FancyShark

And on the third day, God created Diane

gellaho

He's shown up quite a bit, but just said stereotypical cop things

I don't know why Kathryn made him Diane's daughter, other than to have access to the dog

They seem unrelated otherwise

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Then He cocked his head, pursed his lips, hummed thoughtfully to Himself, and put her back in the oven to cook a little longer.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Um.......im pretty sure no jury will convict someone who broke out of jail to prevent his cousin from murdering a girl, especially given the evidence against him would be thrown out because it was obtained illegally.

Seems like a long shot.

FancyShark

What if he's Italian?

gellaho

God gave her a patois, but none of the dialect that living in Jamaica would actually give you

Brendan

We have too many lawyers in this discord, all telling me why I can't frame teens for cocaine-gun

NEWSFLASH, NERD: I don't want realism, I want superheroes but for drugs

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like that time Captain America got his blood turned to meth, that was rad.

gellaho

I am not sure what's happening with the ferris wheel

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lol Chris, you have enough experience with the cops to know they do not, in fact, have a key to every single fucking place in town.

FancyShark

The wheel stopped somehow and now Victim is in trouble as Villain climbs after them

gellaho

"Hey kid, your hand is fucked up, what to climb that barbed wire?"

gellaho

The fuck is happening

FancyShark

Kathryn is stealing the boring ferris wheel danger scene from every hack movie and tv show

gellaho

The ferris wheel is out of control? I guess?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

oh my god it actually is Strangers on a Train.

Fuck this shit.

gellaho

I'm not sure Kathryn understands the ferris wheel

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

By "Dizzying" she means "slightly faster than a slow jog."

gellaho

VENGEAAAAAANCE LIIIIIIIIIIPS

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn has never been on a Ferris Wheel and has it confused with a different ride.

FancyShark

T-take me home tonight?

Brendan

Ferris Wheels: CYCLES OF DEATH

gellaho

I think if you're strapped and barred in, you're fine, girl

Brendan

the ferris wheel at Coney island is just nice, man. You sit in a cage, you see some stuff, I could do that all day. Buy a pass, and just write.

but of course you're battering a dozen Tonys away even if they can't get in.

gellaho

If it's actually moving that fast, he wouldn't be able to hang on with you punching him in the face

FancyShark

You gotta spray for Tonys

gellaho

I don't care how much pcp he's on

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The traps just dont work.

gellaho

Also, you're a swimmer, you should be able to beat the shit out of him

FancyShark

hahahaha, the ferris wheel is going to fling both of them into the stratosphere

gellaho

With your triangular torso

Brendan

I don't think anyone had a box for this ending in out-of-control ferris wheel

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I just want SOMEONE to get caught in the gears and mangled, is that too much to ask, Kathryn?

FancyShark

The bingo sheet is getting really wonky

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Chris tries to climb up the wheel but gets shredded by its velocity.

gellaho

You have a safety bar girl and a seat belt

Brendan

Like i figured Tony's boss shows up.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like a bratwurst flung into an industrial fan.

Brendan

Swimming: good training for pullups

I guess?

Maybe?

FancyShark

Breast stroke

gellaho

Rest in pieces, Tony

FancyShark

hahahahahaha

Sausage got his wish

Brendan

WHEEL MURDER

gellaho

Chris seconds before dying from massive blood loss

Brendan

He had to die, so that others might blanch at the thought of smelling marijuana.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah.

Ferris wheel fatalities rule.

Brendan

Twas beauty killed the beast of the northeast.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Some worker is gonna be picking bits of Tony out of that wheel for weeks and they'll never exorcise his ghost.

Brendan

So this kid got mule punted to hell because she couldn't hold a pullup hang for ten seconds?

FancyShark

On the plus side, the fair has a new corndog flavor

gellaho

Gonna be a great relationship when that's the first connection she makes

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Those are the rules, if you die at an amusement park you have to haunt it forever.

Brendan

Oh yeah, Tony is never going to the afterlife. You die like that you become the legend of the haunted boardwalk forever.

some say they can still hear him sniffling and snickering in his ratlike cokehead way.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

PCP also increases the chance you become one of the restless dead, the DARE officer told me.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

ONE!

ONE DEATH!

WE'RE ON THE BOARD!

Brendan

Well you killed my cousin, but your tits will never look this good again so I guess I forgive you.

FancyShark

Tony died as he lived: Italian and high

gellaho

Flowers for Kevin

Brendan

Pretty low to the ground in his final seconds, actually.

FancyShark

Heyooooo!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

All Kevin wants is that Super Nintendo, MAUREEN.

Brendan

Kevin never drank soda again.

gellaho

Maureen goes right back to yelling at her infirm brother

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maybe if he had a Super Nintendo he wouldnt do cocaine again, Maureen.

Just saying.

FancyShark

And that, kids, is why you always ask your parents for permission before throwing a party

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh Maureen. Brains dont repair themselves.

You are going to be pouring Kevins water for a looooong time.

gellaho

Nintendo leads straight to cocaine, young man

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

not one week later Maureen would suffocate Kevin as he slept after one soda request too many.

gellaho

Fun

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The only thing SNES leads to is getting a smooch because you lent your next door neighbor Mario Kart.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh you are not fucking about to plug your next book in this one, Kathryn!

FancyShark

Big Ron loves his kart racing

gellaho

Really torquing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I hate you Kathryn. That's not real slang, you could have found out.

gellaho

"I love hanging out with the cousin of the guy who almost killed me!"

Brendan

and i heard everything you said about being glad that little goober was dying when you were out in the hall. every word, mo. every. fucking. word.

gellaho

Sounds like you're really torquing

FancyShark

Press the nurse call button, you little shit. They won't believe you. And they won't get here in time.

gellaho

Vroom vroom

FancyShark

There was no turkey

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And now Mo and Chris make out in Kevins room.

Like robots made of oatmeal boxes.

FancyShark

"Let's mainline some IV fluid!"

"Oh, Chris!"

gellaho

Maureen engages clingy mode

gellaho

Yes, that's how that works

FancyShark

And Gary II is found

gellaho

Chris escaping custody multiple times, eh, see a therapist

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kevin, if you ask the right way, Chris will buy you a Super Nintendo and a copy of Crono Trigger when it comes out. He will do it out of guilt.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

like, every week in perpetuity?

gellaho

It's not like you said you sold drugs to kids or anything

And one died

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Technically he gave away drugs to kids. For free. On accident

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's fine, kids die all the time. Its natural.

Thats why the US is number 1.