113: The Eyes of Kid Midas Neal Shusterman

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin you fucked this up so badly.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh what's that book whre the dimensions of the house become impossible

leaves of grass, house of leaves, something something leaves

FancyShark

Better Homes & Gardens

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

This movie would have made a really sweet Hellraiser esque movie, im a little sad it never happened now.

gellaho

Drain the glasses is another interesting euphemism

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sisters should never use the word "Drain" to their brothers, it just......feels wrong.

Game of Thrones really poisoned that well, sorry. We have to go at least 20 more years.

gellaho

Despair, for kids!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Maybe thats a fuckin hint, KEVIN! Wish yourself into non existence.

FancyShark

Kevin, you're not even a teenager yet. Save the drama for hormones

gellaho

Velo Martingale

Kevin is going to be the worst teenager

FancyShark

Good ol' 90s slurs

Velo Martingale

While I disagree with the way she said it, I do not disagree with the sentiment she tried to convey

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol get em Teri

Velo Martingale

What I'm saying is slit their throats, Teri

gellaho

Some existential horror for the children

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Everyone who watches Star Trek knows you keep your soul when you get transported.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"what if when you die all the shit you've evr shitted goes back inside you and you spit it out as food and that's where food comes from"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also fuck you Kevin.

Velo Martingale

Farmers HATE this one simple trick

GDC's Quivering Thews

Way to unmake the universe, nerd

gellaho

Fuck off, Neal

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I hope Kevin just used up all his life energy and fucking dies like Yoda.

Velo Martingale

UGH

Can we send Neal to the land down under

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

stop sending him here

gellaho

That is convenient

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Time to do it all over again, huh Kevin.

Velo Martingale

Teri slit his throat while he's busy thinking about glass repair

gellaho

During breakfast, their mother starts to sing

gellaho

Wheeeeee

gellaho

RIP radio

Velo Martingale

The glasses have burrowed!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so what did he think of from the song? What's this book's staypuft marshmallow man?

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Neal, tone it down

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck this goes some PLACES.

FancyShark

It kind of kicks ass

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it occasionally hits Gone levels of existential dread for children

gellaho

Fun for the whole family

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its good, children need to think about thngs like this once in a while.

gellaho

And there goes the family

Brendan!™

These glasses are a gun that fires for as long as someone is holding it, and all you can do is aim with tears in your eyes.

Velo Martingale

Oh so NOW you try to help, Patrick

CORNFIELD

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lol, enjoy nullity, PARENTS!

Brendan!™

Is this Hell?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Suck it for trying to help!

Velo Martingale

QUADRUPLE BINGO

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell has more fish.

gellaho

Josh has prehensile hair

Brendan!™

Their endlessly screaming heads, impossibly alive, stared at him in otherdimensional silence.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Josh you should have killed your friend earlier, now youre in the fucking Phantom Zone.

Brendan!™

They had been Philadelphia Experimented.

gellaho

Heavy, maaaaaaaaaaaan

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I.......is that supposed to be a bad thing? You.......kinda went on a rampage here, buddy."

Velo Martingale

"As your most consistent friend... good."

Brendan!™

Aren't you wearing the Infinity Goggles? Just wish yourself free, God.

GDC's Quivering Thews

"I brought a gun for a reason, Kevin"

gellaho

Have you ever considered what you'd do if you had to kill a friend, children?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha awesome

FancyShark

"Did you like the book Grandma got you for your birthday?"

[sobbing]

gellaho

Abandon your friends, kids

GDC's Quivering Thews

Real friends end their friend's suffering, Josh

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bitch move, you should at least look him in the eye as you bash his skull in with a lamp.

Then the glasses can be yours, Josh.

gellaho

Kevin's not thrilled about dying alone

Brendan!™

Hey Kevin, don't imagine yourself dead before I get there, okay?

Velo Martingale

Everyone dies alone, Kevin

FancyShark

Unless

gellaho

Kevin explodes himself with hot water

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"feast on my soul, glasses"

oh hot water works too

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol Josh you fucked up so badly.

FancyShark

BOOM

"Sounds like Kevin"

Velo Martingale

Classic Kevin

gellaho

Convenient that is in Kevin's backyard

Brendan!™

Kevin is...Home Alone.

Velo Martingale

Damn it Josh this is why we don't take half measures

FancyShark

This is a Roger Corman movie in book form

gellaho

The pinecone returns

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Damn you went mad with power in under a month, nice.

gellaho

The feeding goes as well as expected

Brendan!™

Woah, guys--i don't know if the author realizes it but given power, Kevin has become THE VERY THING he most hated.

FancyShark

Okay, new theory: Neal wrote this to be for adults, and when people didn't like his "make the unwilling woman tiny" bit, he went a different route

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Man I joked about Josh killing Kevin while he had a chance when this was "Magic burgers and ice cream" but I dint realize it would get this dark.

GDC's Quivering Thews

It's very subtle

gellaho

All that electricity really fattened him up

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also fuck you Kevin, you are an absolute power and Bertram is trapped in a nightmare of his worst fear.

gellaho

Kevin destroys the universe

FancyShark

If this ends with "it was all a dream", I'm hunting you down, Neal

gellaho

Kevin creates his universe

FancyShark

Sorry, very gif-heavy mindset tonight

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Damn, Neal.

Some cosmic horror shit.

gellaho

Josh gets pulled into the glasses

gellaho

Brendan!™

HA. See? Teen.

gellaho

And Josh disappears forever

FancyShark

hahaha, oh, those prankster Native Americans. They sure got these kids good

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lol Josh, stay losing, nerd.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

here it comes, shark. here comes the reset to normal

they're gonna be on that mountaintop

"no WAY am I touching those glasses!"

freeze frame high five

FancyShark

I will allow "it was all a dream" if they are still impaled on jagged rocks from their fall

gellaho

The glasses explode

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bertram puts them on and sends Kevin to Pine Cone in The Ass Hell.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha I forgot about the fall

Velo Martingale

BUT HE WAS SO CONSISTENT

Brendan!™

I have glass in my eyes, murmured Kevin from Hell's heart.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

7 times worse than fish hell

gellaho

Oopsie, he stopped time

FancyShark

Everyone please place your bets on conclusion

Brendan!™

Soon to be an impossible-to-film Daliesque nightmare.

gellaho

If only it were 10 minutes from now

GDC's Quivering Thews

It's been 9:42 for hundreds of years, now

Brendan!™

It's always 9:42 here in the Tesser.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I have no glasses and I must scream

FancyShark

If that was the last line of the book, I would go buy a copy for everyone in my family.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

It's a kids' book, so big reset with a small twist

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh if the next chapter was the next page and it was still 9:42 and it said the same thing.

Brendan!™

Honest to God, what an ending.

gellaho

There's some good news

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

So yeah, the next time some random dingus child climbs that hill, blammooooooo. End of universe.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

The glasses are an elder god

gellaho

Spooky

Brendan!™

Straight out of Richard Matheson

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin gets addicted to heroin, constantly trying to recreate the high of being a deity

FancyShark

Eating nothing but pinecones

Velo Martingale

mmmm pine

gellaho

Hi, God

FancyShark

Author insert

Come on

Come onnnnnnnnnnn

gellaho

Wow, indeed

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"of course it was in your head, Harry, but why would that mean it wasn't real?"

Velo Martingale

"Hey maaaaaan, ya got a lighter maaaan? It's getting real weird out here maaan."

gellaho

Brian

Velo Martingale

Kevin's hell is he has to live with that guy

FancyShark

I like God's bedside manner

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"So, this is the place people who find the glasses go after we fuck up so badly we erase ourselves."

gellaho

Brian plays with Legos and leaves

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's just a straight-up AA sponsor

Velo Martingale

Bye Brian

You've been my favorite character

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lego does rule.

Velo Martingale

By a lot

You were Kevin's second most consistent friend

Brendan!™

See? It's always 9:42

gellaho

What a lesson

Velo Martingale

Don't linger on the sadness of that joke being factually accurate

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They had to pay Lego so much money to mention them in this book.

GDC's Quivering Thews

This is getting jesusey

Brendan!™

He wrote Kevin into a corner and then broke him out personally.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

let someone else be in power! it's AA

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Brian take the wheeeeeel!

GDC's Quivering Thews

They're at the 'give yourself over to a higher power' bit

Brendan!™

The only thing that can stop a bad kid with a God goggles is a mad god with bad plotholes.

gellaho

Twist

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"But if you gave the glasses to a friend, they would have gone mad with power instead"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its funny how much that sounds like "Join a cult." sometimes.

FancyShark

You know how it is when you string yourself out on [INSERT DRUG NAME HERE] and your family is erased from the fabric of reality, right kids?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also fuck you Neal.

Velo Martingale

"Help me Brian! Get me back! I want to live again!"

Brendan!™

It's never a twist.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

then they just give the glasses to someone else

Brendan!™

It's always just the two things it could be.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Theres no way 11 year old me would listen to 25 year old me, fuck off.

gellaho

Kevin's into himself

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fellas is it gay to be into yourself from the future?

gellaho

The shrimpoid of the future

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I gotta say Brian is handling this a lot better than I would have.

Brendan!™

"got to go, Kevin. My wife, NICOLE, is waiting for coffee."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

in a really tiny mug, because fuck you kid

Brendan!™

My wife and I have an...understanding.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Not that Nicole, you fucked that up royally. Pro tip, brush your teeth and dont eat artisanal meats before you smooch."

gellaho

Kevin grabs the glasses

Brendan!™

Deepak Chopra, will you please wear my sunglasses?

I asked Eckhardt Tolle but he told me to get stuffed.

FancyShark

I don't think there was ever any question the glasses weren't the problem, Kevin

gellaho

He gives back the glasses

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

So........uh........

FancyShark

hahahaha

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

So that's that, huh?

FancyShark

He gave the mountain a little face

Velo Martingale

The mountain is the real hero

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"...and that's what I did on my summer vacation"

gellaho

Wheeeeee

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and everyone throws shit at him

FancyShark

"Kevin, see me after class and give me your parents' contact information."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Wait no fuck you, book. Dont you fucking dare.

Velo Martingale

Kevin gets blown off the mountain

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did you think there was any chance we werent getting a reset?

GDC's Quivering Thews

the glasses demand a sacrifice, kevin

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

LORD SOBEK WAITS FOR YOU IN THE AFTERLIFE KEVIN!

gellaho

Trippy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

nope kevin is a good boy who did nothing wrong

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Now that time is rewinding, yes.

Brendan!™

I wish he had put them on a whale that just wishes for healthy krill populations and cool oceans.

Just whaling along, singing a song.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I feel like that doesnt count tho, if you need a reality reset to be a good boy.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

5 minutes later whales grow legs and declare war on the land-dwellers

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Depends on the whale.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Also fuck giant squid

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Orca? Yeah.

FancyShark

Imagine how fucked up the rest of his life is going to be if he remembers this

Velo Martingale

I want that book

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I want his parents to still be gone.

gellaho

Hey, look, the beginning of the book

Velo Martingale

Like how I want a sequel to all Roland Emerich movies where everyone just has to deal with all the shit that just happened

Brendan!™

Kevin technically learned and changed, but he also did nothing but fail his way through the other side.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

God: "That's what happens when you wear the sunglasses existentential horror" shrugs

FancyShark

"I was once a god"

"I don't care. Put the fry basket in the oil."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"It sucks and theres not a divine artifact up here or anything."

gellaho

This time, he weenies out before grabbing the glasses

Brendan!™

Imagine trying to take your first date to the ice cream shop after becoming God and tearing apart the universe.

gellaho

But they still all fall. And die

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And shes already told you she hates salami.

Brendan!™

"Once, in my divinity, I touched thee. Now, by mine own hand, it is undone."

FancyShark

"Tell me about the wildest thing you ever did."

"..."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I hope they die for real this time.

Brendan!™

wait WHAT

gellaho

OK, not quite

FancyShark

YES

YES

YEEES

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I wish Kevin was a horse.

FancyShark

oh

Velo Martingale

YES

FancyShark

Fuck you, Neal

Velo Martingale

I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING BEYOND THIS POINT

Brendan!™

"Take me back up the mountain. Put sunglasses on me."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and fuck you, kevin

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin ruined the whole trip for everyone.

gellaho

And Bertram is nice now, I guess

FancyShark

oh no

Bertram remembers

Velo Martingale

Yeah maybe if you don't bully Bertram

Asshole

I've said it this whole time, Kevin was always the problem

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I maintain that Kevin was always the one bullying Bertram.

Velo Martingale

Sausage gets me

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its probably his fault Bertram is terrified of fish.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

#kevindidnothingwrong

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean come on, FISH?!

Velo Martingale

Kevin ate Bertrams pet goldfish in front of him

gellaho

And Kevin's eyes are fixed... for a some reason

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahahaha

Got himself an upgrade.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Kevin is going into shock

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Little shit.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow what a twist in the tail

FancyShark

Camera pans around and we see the glasses are fused to the back of his head

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I hate him even more.

Velo Martingale

God's sick of this shit and is taking no chances

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Called it lol

gellaho

Still a little crazy though

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

still going huh story?

that's cool

Velo Martingale

push him off the mountain

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

God, fuck off, book. Be over already.

Brendan!™

Proof that everyone remembers what happened on some terrifying level.

FancyShark

Kevin turns, looks into Josh's eyes, and wordlessly screams for nine minutes and forty-two seconds

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Josh you need to kill KEvin while you still have the chance.

gellaho

The End

Velo Martingale

There's 80 more pages

gellaho

I guess that's an ending

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

DOOMSDAY

GDC's Quivering Thews

No one ever came back for them

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

technically