Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Maybe if they go to the future, they will have a cure for time cancer
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
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Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
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gellaho
Hey, @FancyShark include about 150 marines
FancyShark
"I'm sorry, Liam. The cure is discovered next year."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"ok bob, impersonate the Nazis"
(Bob climbs a tree and kills himself in it)
"ahhh... shit."
gellaho
And possibly most of the US armed forces, but I don't know what that would be
VernoWhitney
Corpses in the copse, now
FancyShark
@FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning , how many for the US armed forces in total?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
This is amazing without context
gellaho
Oh, darn
FancyShark
oopsie
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Tree nazis!
Velo-ing
Well in this timeline we never had a stand-down after WW2, right?
FancyShark
"Da. Ve are fuhrolicking."
Brendan!™
You would die of time-distance getting there. Even though they could hand off the cure through time to each other like a relay, or deliver it from one person who already took it.
Velo-ing
So that would be total military personel for the year 1945
gellaho
That would suck, wouldn't it
Velo-ing
Oh that's a lot
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's too many parsecs away 😔
FancyShark
Yeah. People actually wanted to be soldiers back then.
gellaho
Or got drafted
FancyShark
Involuntary enthusiasm, I call it
Velo-ing
11,648,775
Brendan!™
I myself am from 1945 and signed up at 13 to kill me a Ratzi.
Velo-ing
I combined Army and Navy
Airforce don't count
gellaho
Bob helpfully instructs Liam to get captured
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Thanks, Velo!
Brendan!™
Unfortunately I was wiped out at Normandy mere hours after my enlistment.
Fortunately I was saved by Time-Racers.
(Not affiliated with Time Riders)
FancyShark
Not past ten, anyway
gellaho
What could possibly go wrong
Velo-ing
This is a lot of doomed people Foster could be out recruiting if he hadn't got cancer from licking the speed force
Brendan!™
Oh the irony of having a time machine and being at the mercy of a schedule
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I'm part of the Great Lakes Time Riders
Brendan!™
Liam thought the Terminator didn't really want to kill him.
Brendan!™
Nice! They wiped out the Illinois Nazi Fourth Reich in 1975.
gellaho
It's up to the infant computer to save the day
gellaho
Velo-ing
There's a series of books about time travel where they can travel in time but not space, so there's a limit on when they can travel to because of the earth's rotation and where you would be on it
There are fun ways to do time travel, is what I'm saying. This just isn't one of them
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the future
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Yeah, like instead of hitting snooze 3x every morning to get a total of 30 minutes more sleep, I can just go back in time 10 minutes three times
gellaho
They ignore the warning and accidentally grab 1.25 Nazis
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I've been thinking about funny irresponsible ways time travel could be used if it were commercially available and that's a great one
my thought was using time travel delivery apps to let you be delivered something the second you order it
Velo-ing
Aside from summoning a rampaging chimp, this is the worst they could have possibly done
FancyShark
Time travel but only to go back for napkins after you sat down at the table
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
We got another Nazi Gimp!
Don't celebrate
They are still nazi
FancyShark
Oh boy, free Nazi! Everyone grab something heavy!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh took me a minute to understand wtf just happened
that's fun
Brendan!™
This is also a great way to launch a spaceship with no big fuel expenditure.
Brendan!™
Dear diary--a Nazi joined the team today.
Brendan!™
Hey, that's still .25 good nazis!
gellaho
They send him and the limbs right back
Brendan!™
Floating in space, come onnnnnn, floating in space.
Brendan!™
The problem is time travel requires the full energy set of a universe to work. Are you prepared to kill Earth-C for Del Taco?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No
Velo-ing
Yes
VernoWhitney
What was the liquid for again?
Velo-ing
My nearest Taco Bell is 45 minutes away
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yes
gellaho
Sure, send out the thirteen year old Indian girl on her own into Nazi territory. They'll surely leave her alone
FancyShark
Return to Fuhrer
Brendan!™
Sal, even though you're from 100 years in the future, see if anything in alternate-1956 looks strange to you.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh my God, Sal is going to drop into a puddle of Nazi juice
Brendan!™
Bakken sie auf ze Fuhrer
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that guy got liquefied on the return journey for sure
gellaho
@FancyShark Add one complete presidential cabinet
Brendan!™
The Nazis have constructed a hive!
FancyShark
This is how Swarm started
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No, bees respect women
gellaho
Respect woman
BEEP boop
Brendan!™
And Bob respects no man. The ciiiiirrrcle of liiiiiiife
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I like that Bob didn't evne tell Liam that one of his tactical options was to fucking kill himself and leave Liam there alone
gellaho
Liam is loving this
gellaho
This probably isn't important
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you know what's just occurred to me? even though, from the time riders' perspective, this alternate timeline just happened... there's no reason why they couldn't have continued their training in nazi new york before going on this mission
FancyShark
And now the Ents join the fight
Velo-ing
Cedar tree ents would die so fast
gellaho
BEEP BOOP, arbitrary values calculated
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
like maybe give Bob time to learn facial expressions, and Liam to learn what a Nazi is?
Velo-ing
Thanks Bob
Glad you're here Bob
Brendan!™
This is just sloppy code.
Velo-ing
Cannot express how glad I am that I've put my safety in your hands, Bob
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this is reminding me a lot of Megamorphs #3, the bleakest and goriest animorphs book
gellaho
BEEP BOOP, FRIEND
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
they have to follow a yeerk who is on a time rampage through the history of earth warfare
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
What is love?
gellaho
Don't know how that ended up as a reply
Brendan!™
Correction: unit's manacles are hereby designated Polypenises. Rerouting nervous system....rerouting....rerouting...maximum sensuality potential instated. Shake my hand, Liam.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and they mostly fail and die and watch humans kill each other in every horible way imaginable
VernoWhitney
Sloth love Chunk
Velo-ing
God damn it Bob I told you specifically not to fall in love with me
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the Nazi disk
Brendan!™
Wet Bob Iz Fren
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
because YOU ARE MY FRIEND
FancyShark
Fallschirmjager means "falling down drunk"
Velo-ing
Thanks Bob. Glad you're still wet, Bob. That'll really help you blend in.
gellaho
DAS MUFFLERSHIP
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Wow so creative
FancyShark
oh no
Brendan!™
Unterkorporal Fritz Mutterfokker of the Goldschlager Korps
FancyShark
I don't want to hear about the Fuhrer's Very Special Place
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I bet if we take out the mothership all the rest of the nazis will die
Because that's how armies and fleets work
gellaho
Ah, he's got a body bag, I wonder what's in there
Brendan!™
German is funny, I don't care how many German friends I make.
Maybe the German sense of humor is muted because it's hard to recognize comedy when every word is hilarious.
FancyShark
"You vant to see a dead body?"
Brendan!™
And as long as we're playing into stereotypes, the Maltese can't dance.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
People don't think Germans have a sense of humor, but it's actually very juvenile. A Carlin bit might go over their head, but you play a fart noise and they will laugh and laugh
gellaho
Ah, there's the future doctor
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
It worked for bill Pullman
Brendan!™
Liam should go back in time and teach the Germans Carlin's anti-authoritarianism.
FancyShark
Das Kramer!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Show him your dick!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Liam's getting sent to a concentration camp
gellaho
Fun for all the kids out there
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
was paul kramer the future guy? I forget
FancyShark
Good. That should help him focus.
Brendan!™
Yeah but in the correct timeline it was Bill Paxton and they all died, leading to the aliens ruling Earth for 1000 years until the attacks of 9/(30)11
Velo-ing
No Jayzus now, huh Liam?
Abandoned by your god
gellaho
He's got you
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wait... the entire population of new york? how many fucking camps do they have?
FancyShark
It's a shame Nazis ruined it. "Reeducation camp" sounds way more fun than "adult education"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
(God was fake the entire time)
Brendan!™
Not many once you delete all the ethnics from NYC.
Velo-ing
Let me answer your question with a question:
Velo-ing
?
Brendan!™
Got ist tot
und VE haff kilt Him!
gellaho
Are we having fun kids!
Velo-ing
no
Brendan!™
Liam weeps for the demise of the future.
Velo-ing
God I hope this is on a summer reading list somewhere
Really change those kids
FancyShark
Entire population of NYC in 1956 or 2001?
gellaho
Bob decides to take a nap
Velo-ing
16,112,000
FancyShark
lol, both. Hell yeah
Brendan!™
Did you eliminate the duplicates?
Velo-ing
Wait no that's the state
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Stop threatening to die and die, coward
gellaho
See, the number's bigger which means it's better
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Lamest cyborg ever
FancyShark
Oooh, right. So it's more like 16,111,997
Velo-ing
New York City, 1950-1960: 7,781,984
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Ah yes Washington DC. The most lightly armored city in America
Velo-ing
Nazis really up the body count
I mean
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
The easiest city to attack
Velo-ing
Yes
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No
Velo-ing
It'd be pretty easy with a tank
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
DC has more armed guards than any other city I've been to
Velo-ing
You could even do an amphibious landing
FancyShark
Yeah, but the game was on
gellaho
Hey, Alex? Why don't you suck my dick
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
They have a military base, CIA headquarters and FBI headquarters within miles!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also bragging that his future hover tanks are more maneuverable than a Sherman. Like, yeah, and I'm faster than my son because he's 12 months old, you don't see me showing off about it
Velo-ing
And four years ago we saw that barely means shit
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Well, it doesn't help that the armed guards, CIA, and FBI are all also nazis
Velo-ing
See?!
If anything this book is depicting it as too hard
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
There was one black guy cop tho! He tried to help, bless him
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
he wanted Eisenhower to change into his true form and grow until his head burst through the white house roof
gellaho
Yes, very interesting Mr Nazi
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I was actually living in DC on January 6th and I panic attacked so hard my parents had to drive into the city to get me and take me home to stay with them for a few days
AMERICA
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
shut the fuck up, Paul
FancyShark
Look, Kramer. If you were the son of a woman from Minneapolis, you would be apologizing a lot more than you have.
gellaho
This is a bold strategem, Alex
Velo-ing
Who the fuck is Paul
FancyShark
The future scientist who gave the nazis the lasers
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
So, I forgot. Why are they siding with the Nazis when they hate the nazis?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
honestly surprised this author was willing to admit that hitler was an incompetent fuckwit
Velo-ing
Because this book is bad
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Or is that a twist we have yet to uncover?
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
The Fuhrer's here!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
They are both racist, so
FancyShark
I think Paul's trying to make history better?
gellaho
"I'm like a Nazi dictator, but like a cool Nazi dictator"
FancyShark
Because no one evil uses a serpent for their banner
Velo-ing
I
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Sometime to stop a crime you have to double down on a different crime. Like using a nuke to interrupt a bank robbery in progress
gellaho
And the Bond villain monologuing begins, but to himself
Velo-ing
this book has sequels
FancyShark
Or eating an orange while brushing your teeth instead of drinking Sunny D
gellaho
But first, some body horror for the children
Brendan!™
I grew up on a New England beach and I refuse to believe anyone can walk on that sand without burning/slashing their feet, even in jackboots.
gellaho
Many
Velo-ing
Which implies it sold well enough for those to get published
Imagine getting this book for Christmas
You would never forgive that relative
FancyShark
lol
Nazi got Cronenburged
gellaho
Could it be... time travelers?
Brendan!™
Paul killed Hitler and stopped the genocide singlehandedly. He also prevented every shitty Republican president. I'm not coming aboard, but let's see where he steers this u-boat.
FancyShark
I'm not counting the nazi getting deformed as an atrocity
gellaho
Meanwhile, Liam has a friend
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Liam, learn to shake hands like a man
Velo-ing
Or kiss him in greeting and claim it's a european thing
Brendan!™
"Philadelphia Experiment, but use nazis" is an attractive concept.
Velo-ing
You're in prison now, Liam, it's time to make some moves
gellaho
Kids love it
Velo-ing
yaaaay truck
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Establish yourself as a top bottom, Liam
Velo-ing
Yet realistic expectations for yourself, Liam
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Whoa... this kid's a versatile! I thought they all died out in the 1890s!"
Velo-ing
You are the best bottom and no one will take that from you, Liam
gellaho
It's probably nothing
VernoWhitney
They let Janice Rand run the transporter?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Switches are a myth! Many in the spanking community will tell you!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
deal with the one thing, then at least it will be easier to say how many things you need to deal with
gellaho
There couldn't possibly be extra-governmental kid time cops
FancyShark
And as long as no one else in history ever got a time machine...wait
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"in the present that I know of there was only one time machine," he thought stupidly
gellaho
I guess they caused all of history to be erased
FancyShark
"But our calendars..."
gellaho
Which doesn't really follow how time travel has worked up to this point, but let's not worry about that
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"it's not a big deal guys, we're just resetting the calendar so we can start properly on year 0 instead of year 1"
Velo-ing
"Burn the calendars, fool!"
FancyShark
"But it has a kitty cat!"
Velo-ing
Honestly the real smart thing would be to erase a random chunk of history
gellaho
Damn commies
Velo-ing
1836-1842? Gone. Wiped out completely.
FancyShark
Erase the Mesozoic and 1973
VernoWhitney
They know what they did.
Brendan!™
Oh bullshit Russia's still standing.
Velo-ing
Just let the time cops try to figure out why you did that, they'll die of cancer before they get around to just shooting you
Brendan!™
Did they have another 400 million people in the pocket?
FancyShark
Even with time travel, they somehow keep attacking in the middle of winter
Brendan!™
It's always winter in the timeline.
gellaho
And that was a real weight off the fuhrer's shoulders
FancyShark
Erasing your history doesn't fix everything, Paul. If you had internet, you'd know that
Velo-ing
Karl is such a great assistant
gellaho
Meanwhile: Bob is knee deep in shit
Velo-ing
Bob...
why
VernoWhitney
Get some sewage in your wounds, Bob.
FancyShark
Sorrow waste is the worst waste of all
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Good, there is no way they can find more information in the present and then go further back in time
gellaho
Bob tries to go back to the future, but his infant brain is overriding his computer brain
FancyShark
This won't backfire
Velo-ing
Bob stop gathering things in the sewer
gellaho
Tiny nodule of wrinkled flesh
Velo-ing
No Bob, you put that back
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
My tummy horted, what did i miss? Did they 9\11 Hitler?
gellaho
Words in a book for children
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Bob, Liam isn't worth it
Velo-ing
Hitler's been dead, the new guy is named Kramer. Liam's going to a concentration camp. Bob is chilling in the sewer for no reason
Liam, Bob's not coming
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Liam has only held you back, Bob
Brendan!™
Meanwhile, in the past-present-future, the rest of the team is doing nothing.
Velo-ing
Bob tried to drink the sewer, Liam
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Liam I have overcome my programming and returned to save you because... Liam, I love you."
"That's great Bob but please stop hugging me because you smell absolutely vile."
gellaho
In the future, they send a message back. Don't ask how
Velo-ing
He unhinged his jaw like a snake and tried to drink it, Liam
FancyShark
This would be much more fun if they bumped into Samurai Jack
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Every plot needs a mandatory sewer level
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Sewer brooding is Wolfenstein TNO as FUCK.
Velo-ing
I don't want to use the word 'guzzle' here Liam, but it's only verb that fits
gellaho
In the past, Kramer immediately starts contemplating suicide to escape time assassination
gellaho
And this is still a book for children
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Every time I read the word "guzzle" my brain fills in "Hands free semen guzzling?" because of Seanbaby.
FancyShark
"Suicide?"
"A door, you idiot."