122: The Hybrid John Jakes

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He was a hybrid - half human, half Omqu - with the strange mental power to wipe out the universe

Archive

gellaho

Make sure to keep extensive records of your duplicitous activities

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Certainly, this will not enter into future actions

Velo, Electric Ghost

Certainly not. Why would it?

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"We call it "Chekov's Recording System""

Velo, Electric Ghost

It's just several bros plotting treason

As bros do

FancyShark

Sark is getting so annoyed that Law won't take the hint and steal the tapes to bring down Baron

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Hahahahhaha people love keeping records of how they systematically planned to overthrow part of the government and sabotage diplomatic efforts.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Tapes? What are these tapes you speak of, Sol man? On Holoz we yell at a parrot when we want to record things."

"For some reason we only ever record "Wanna pistache!"

gellaho

Condition Mob

FancyShark

So far, it's only Condition Star Wars Opening Night

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

The successor to Hot Topic

Velo, Electric Ghost

Possibly escalating to Condition Mardi Gras

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Eventually it will become Condition Sports Win\Loss

Condition Mob is when they have guns AND cannoli.

gellaho

Eggs squirting gas

FancyShark

So far, this sounds like a normal family reunion

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

The Baron: "Ok, so I need to be imprisoned for a political crime in order to collect a very specific inheritance, and so far all I;ve done is got very rich and on the verge of overthrowing the government"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Like the eggs from Alien but instead of a face fucking spider demon its full of farts.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

There's only so many shapes with short names, old sci fi messed me up

gellaho

The Sky Inny

Brendo

THIS IS AMERIKKKA

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

everything is blocky or round or eggy

Brendo

Is it actually 2m or is this like Trump needing a bigger inauguration?

FancyShark

I don't think saying you're there on a date is going to impress him, emergency or not

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

But its a Man Date!

gellaho

This tunnel is filled with people making out

FancyShark

That last sentence was Jakes thinking out loud

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

God I hate it when a couple making out is blocking the entrance to the foyer.

Like make out in the hall or make out in the foyer, but not in the doorway!

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Unless you want company

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its like fucking in a theater, its in public and you are inviting people to watch.

gellaho

Wheeeeee!

Brendo

And I'm getting paid $500.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Dont get mad at me, Couple Two Rows Down, I can see you, you could just go home.

Brendo

The wildest shit I saw online last year was some adult baby / little found his exhibitionist nursing momma and they decided to ride the 7 and then get irate at everyone else, screaming "Mind your business!"

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND IT'S MAKING THIS OUR BUSINESS.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I mean you have to do some wild shit to even get a weird look on a train.

gellaho

Law considers giving up his tribe to stop the war. Luckily, people start shooting Sark's men for him

Velo, Electric Ghost

Oh that is lucky

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

SAVED BY THE SECRET SERVICE!?

FancyShark

"Jockeying your freezo"

It's the new trend among teens. Is your child one of them? Find out tonight, at 10

Velo, Electric Ghost

The never before mentioned or present secret service save the day

gellaho

The swarthy friends

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its always good to have friends, but you should never describe a friend as "swarthy"

Velo, Electric Ghost

But what if they're pirates?

We have no indication that these men are not pirates

gellaho

Sark grabs on as the tube stops levitating people

FancyShark

This system seems unsafe

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Kick him! Kick him in the face!

Velo, Electric Ghost

KICK OR KISS

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

What Would Bubba King Do?

Brendo

Oh now you sound like my latte-colored Arab Berber Moor friends from somewhere in Africa. I think it's north? Hon? Is there a north Africa?

gellaho

Sark decides to fight

gellaho
Brendo

Okay, my cousin-wife says my friends are actually Albanian Mohammedians.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Little late for that Sark.

Velo, Electric Ghost

This

THis is what Bubba King would do

Brendo

These dudes been brawling for 400 pages

gellaho

One on one. For some reason

FancyShark

So the conditioning wore off?

Velo, Electric Ghost

Birdfucker decides to do something for once

gellaho

Three murdering punches, followed by slap

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I mean even if Law loses the fistfight Sark is still in a ring of black clad operators who will probably stomp him out. Might as well get your licks in.

Brendo

I'm not used to young Mick Foley, it's weird.

Mick Foley has always been our rad uncle.

Not our crazy college friend.

gellaho

The conditioning never wore on

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Literally a Sifu combo. Punch, punch, punch, slap.

FancyShark

lol

Velo, Electric Ghost

Sark is bad at stuff and things

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

He cant even sissy hypno ONE psychic birdman.

gellaho

Law pulls out an eye

Velo, Electric Ghost

Fuck

FancyShark

Fuck yes

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Go get your eye, bitch!" Birdfucker shouts

as he chucks a mans eye

Brendo

Why did you attach pain receptors to his optic nerve?

FancyShark

Of course a bird would go for the eyes

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Eye gouging in the foyer?! Good heavens.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"You fools! don't just watch! drop some beats!"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Everyone knows the foyer is for dick biting and testicle rending ONLY!

gellaho

Law stops before total murder

Velo, Electric Ghost

Hod damn it Birdfucker

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You do eye gouging and fishhooking in the parlor.

FancyShark

Now Sark rears up with a knife and Law kills him but it's okay

gellaho

gasp

FancyShark

:shockshark:

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

SECRET DOUBLE AGENT BET!

Congrats Law, she didnt betray you for money! She did it as a job!

gellaho

Felix Macadoo

FancyShark

How could the lady who immediately betrayed her husband be a traitor?!

Velo, Electric Ghost

The ignorant slut is back!

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its totally okay you spiritually cheated on your bird girlfriend with her.

FancyShark

Felix Macadoo is a macaw sitting on a perch in the next room

gellaho

Let me taste your tang

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

hahahahhahaha they're not even with the government, she hired the Space Pinkertons with Sir Bobs own money.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

During this, Sark got into a mechahitler suit and is winding up the chainguns

Velo, Electric Ghost

I like to imagine Sark is screaming and rolling around in a puddle of his own eye blood about five feet away from this

gellaho

I might have told them, who knows?

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Because they obviously killed everyone, Law. Law. Obviously.

Law. Why did you think they wouldnt?

gellaho

That's why you always tape your conversations

Velo, Electric Ghost

Super dead, Birdfucker.

The deadest fucking village.

Brendo

OH MY GOD

It's finally happening

She's Rex Moran!

The femme fatale was the private dick!

FancyShark

haha, holy shit, she is

Brendo

HE'S BEEN REBORN

GO REX GO

gellaho

MOISTEN! THOSE! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS!

Velo, Electric Ghost

KISS

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

BRAIN! MELT! THE OLIGARCH!

DOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Velo, Electric Ghost

ALSO THAT

BOTH ARE GOOD

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Stop being a wuuuuuuuuss!

Velo, Electric Ghost

BURN DOWN SPACE

Brendo

EAT THE RICH AS PUDDING

gellaho

Well, that's not good

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

KISS THE OLIGARCH

Brendo

Come over here and watch your people die.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"This part is pretty funny"

gellaho

Chlorgamma-5

FancyShark

"Please don't think about how convenient it is that you can't see the people who did the killing and we have a large enough group to easily have two of ours use their uniforms"

Brendo

On the plus side, they abandoned him for fighting back and now he doesn't have to explain the loss of the bone chest.

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Just so you know, they died in pain."

"And fear."

Brendo

Like did we ever see him have a positive interaction outside of his two friends and family members?

gellaho

Back up the tube!

Velo, Electric Ghost

"It was, frankly, impossible for them to understand what was happening to them."

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

And their own mayonaise-y poop

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Which only added to the fear, which, in turn, increased their pain."

"Every single victim shat themselves."

FancyShark

Do it, Law

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Anyways. Glad you're alright."

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

MELT THE FAT MANS BRAIN!

Do it so hard he bursts into flame and runs out the window.

gellaho

Melty brains

FancyShark

Make his brain quake like a bowlful of jelly!

Velo, Electric Ghost

Well that guy did nothing wrong

FancyShark

haha, he melted a guy's brain with memories of his girlfriend

Velo, Electric Ghost

We're just killing mall cops now

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

All P.C.s are bastards.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

can relate

gellaho

ROOOOOOOBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRTTT

gellaho
FancyShark

Bet is wondering if she said something wrong

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

BOOOOOOBBB

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"WHATS MASSACREING MY TRIBE?! ITS BEHIND THE SPACE BASTARDS!"

gellaho

The stylus of security

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its just to make him feel better, its the rich guy version of a blanket.

The clicky noise is soothing.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

This guy must drink a lot to stay hydrated

with all the sweating

gellaho

Sir Robert flaps

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"No seriously, that guy was just as racist as me."

FancyShark

"Before I kill you, I would like to know if that payment you offered is still on the table"

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

The number of zeroes will help me decide how many thousand years to take in killing you

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"If you give all your money away to poor people I'll let you live."

"Kill me."

gellaho

Three-headed dog attack!

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Like Law cant melt a three headed dog brain.

FancyShark

"I don't want the dog either"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I kind of hope Robert gets eaten by his own three headed dog.

gellaho

This revenge plan is going swimmingly

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Also three headed borzoi is still the funniest three headed guard dog imaginable.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Birdfucker is so bad at this

gellaho

Hi, Bet

Velo, Electric Ghost

Quick, kill him

FancyShark

Wow, Baron. You're even dumber than Law

Velo, Electric Ghost

Kill him with your mind

gellaho

Bet Law

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

MELT HIS FUCKING BRAIN!

FancyShark

Baron, he kills with his brain. You can't outdraw him

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"She's addicted to betrayal, see"

gellaho

And what, is her secret?

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Betrayal and Hyper Opium!"

gellaho
gellaho

That's right, bird tits

FancyShark

"No, she's just half Polish. But still, you get the idea"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah some bird tiddies.

Jakes changed some peoples lives with this.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"Law saw her breasts."

Prize-winning writing

Wins a prize because it was one-handed

gellaho

And she's actually the Baron's daughter

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Jakes, you should have included a tasteful line drawing so your editor could understand how rockin those feathery tits were.

FancyShark

"Behold my wife's rocking tits" is not the devastating move you thought it was, Baron

Velo, Electric Ghost

The real Birdfucker is revealed!

FancyShark

Okay, daughter

Velo, Electric Ghost

I refuse to admit I wasn't planning this

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its birdfuckers all the way down!

gellaho

"It would have been the end of me, of Baron Starships!"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Now reveal that Baron Bob is also Laws father.

Velo, Electric Ghost

SO! MANY! BIRDFUCKERS!

FancyShark

"Then I found out that law was overruled decades prior and didn't feel so good"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I mean, i get it. The first thing we do as a species after first contact is going to be to try and fuck the new space friends.

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Turns out they thought I was paying them to kill her. 'Oopsies!' I remember saying."

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

The Kirk maneuver

gellaho

I'm sure you can untangle this, Law

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

If you let go of your prejudices you can fuck the aliens GUILT FREE!

FancyShark

"Dammit, Law! I can't walk past an aviary without getting aroused! YOU DON'T KNOW MY PAIN!"

Velo, Electric Ghost

Law it's fine just kill him

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You know what solves most complexities, Law? Brain melting violence!

Velo, Electric Ghost

Your two options are Kill or Not Kill, and he did a genocide, so just

Kill

This isn't a quandry

gellaho

Alright, bye

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Hes a shitty father, melt his brain!

Velo, Electric Ghost

In fact he's only admitted to more awful things since you orginally planned on killing him

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

BOOOOOOOOOOO what is this bullshit!?

gellaho

Yeah, probably

Velo, Electric Ghost

Not really no

FancyShark

IMMEDIATE regret over not killing

Velo, Electric Ghost

Birdfucker was defeated by himself

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Andreas Law = Captain Hindsight

gellaho
Velo, Electric Ghost

confronted with the moral dilema of the guy having comitted another, equally bad crime

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

HE IS THO!

HES SUCH A BAD BARGAIN!

Velo, Electric Ghost

HE'S THE WORST

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

He's not even an interesting person!

Velo, Electric Ghost

THIS MAN IS AWFUL

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You literally dont know him!

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"Prove you're a bad boy and kill my dad"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Miss, you dont need a man, this is the space future! Women can have lives of their own.

Velo, Electric Ghost

HE LOOKED EVIL IN THE FACE AND DECIDED, AFTER DELIBERATION, TO DO NOTHING

THIS IS NOT A WIN

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Law is just gonna impregnate a bunch of human women and kill them after giving birth, to even the score

gellaho

"They stepped into the down tube," said noone

Velo, Electric Ghost

This is the most pathetic anyone has ever been

FancyShark

"The down tube" is just an out of service elevator

Velo, Electric Ghost

George Swell was more heroic than this

And he did nothing but get terrorized by the Hardy boys in the woods for no reason

Most of our villains are more heroic than this

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Fuck you Law, i hope she gives you bird clap.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Law, I'm glad your village is dead

gellaho

Ladies be Doolittling

Velo, Electric Ghost

At least they don't have to live with you

FancyShark

"I should have mentioned that ability before now, but I'm not sure why"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Goddammit Bet you couold have had that fucking dog eat your dad at ANY TIME?!

Velo, Electric Ghost

These two suck so much

I hope the tube breaks

I hope Sark comes back

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

They are gonna get married, but then not

Velo, Electric Ghost

and kills them both

gellaho

Probably should have killed him

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Are you at least going to send the tapes to the government?

Velo, Electric Ghost

YOU KILLED THE DOORMAN, YOU FUCK

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Are her boobs still out?

Velo, Electric Ghost

ALL HE DID WAS GUARD THE FUCKING DOOR

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Yes.

FancyShark

Felix answers

"RAWWWRK PRETTY BIRD PRETTY BIRD RAWWWRK"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Man getting pin feathers on your nipples would suck ass.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

I don't know which way you mean either part of that sentence

gellaho

Damn your bird arms!

Brendo

Twencen pulp is wild because you can make a year's income writing a book about a deeply personal vendetta that suddenly veers into Antagonist We've Never/Barely Met

Anyway, this is a Mel Gibson vehicle, argue with me.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Fuck you Law I hope you die

I've joined the other side these idiots need to be wiped out

gellaho

Hey, look who's back

Velo, Electric Ghost

FUCK YES

Brendo

Bet, you are the only woman I want to regurgitate bugs into my 'breed young's maws from your Avian Tittays

Velo, Electric Ghost

GET EM

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Goddammit Law cant you do anything right?

gellaho

Mmmmm, time slices

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Law isa beginner of projects, not a finisher

Velo, Electric Ghost

Law can only kill minimum wage employees

FancyShark

Oh hey, "dived"

Velo, Electric Ghost

He is the fucking worst

Brendo

Okay I'm caught up.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Time Hitler was better than him

gellaho

It's a plight on all books

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

" Sark giggled" I can only think of that as a little girl giggle

Brendo

We have four, which one do you mean?

Velo, Electric Ghost

Hitlarr was better than him

gellaho

Loops-no, a hurricane-no, two hurricanes!

FancyShark

hahahahaha

gellaho

ONE

THOUSAND

HURRICANES

FancyShark

The amount of modifiers he's adding on to this attack

Velo, Electric Ghost

The guy from Bicycling Through Space And Time who did nothing but make puns and meet a singer he really liked and then cried about his dad was better than Law

FancyShark

Sark is going to disintegrate