125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Mead at least. Imagine the mead you can make with the bees of the dinosaur age.

And extinct fruits unkown to man.

Or tube golem.

gellaho

Time to climb a mountain

Velo

Sharpen! Those! Femurs!

gellaho

So taut

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Liam, maybe you need to exercise, bud.

I mean I get it, im also a sweaty boy. The combination of Irish and italian genes dont allow for anything else but cmon. You have some serious opportunities here you are WASTING.

Velo

Or get a less salty diet

gellaho

Please, shut up

frumpybadger

"Dying of dehydration" might look like it's in the lead right now but I'm sure he'll spring back to 9/11 before he really bites it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Not sweating means she'll overheat and die

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Actually Cretacious Park sounds good?

Velo

Listen to the Australian try to act like he understands what heat is

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Cretacious sounds like an early 90s slang term, like tubular or radical.

FancyShark

Totally cretacious compadre

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Cretacious to the max!

gellaho

I hate all these people

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

The way you talk about Australia makes me think you're thinking of a different country

Velo

It's almost eighty degrees sometimes Tom, can you even imagine it?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

hahahahaha okay the deadpan "You are all little chickens" is pretty funny.

In a very Terminator 2 kind of way.

Velo

Becks is so dead

gellaho

I wonder where she'll find the protein she craves

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean where I grew up it could hit 40 celsius, which google tells me is 104 Fahrenheit

FancyShark

If Liam wasn't Liam, he could make a filthy suggestion

It's not like Scarrow isn't thinking it

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

He has devilled eggs in his pocket?

FancyShark

SO MANY

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Oh god those better get eaten soon, they go bad so quickly.

gellaho

Dinosawrs

FancyShark

Cue the kazoo!

https://youtu.be/itzaF8ctR2M?si=x1d-xrH_TUmzRy30

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

BWA NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NAAAAAAAA

You know the tune, dont pretend.

gellaho

Shut up, "Franklyn"

frumpybadger

"He really does publish in turds."

FancyShark

Franklyn singles out Laura because she wouldn't let him smell her hair.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Franklyn is the kid that invented time travel, yes? I hope he dies.

gellaho

You mean her infant brain? Yeah, probably not

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Oh no.

FancyShark

Liam, don't fuck the Born Sexy Yesterday trope

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Nononononon dont.

I see it coming and oh god no, Liam.

gellaho

Edward Chan came up with the theory of time travel

A different guy actually invented the time machine

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Oh cool, then I hope he dies too.

Velo

If he does we add it to the atrocimeter

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Tube goiems with accellerated growth cant consent Liam. Shes not even two weeks old.

FancyShark

So far I've only clocked one new atrocity and it's a tiny dino being allowed to burn to death

gellaho

Both Chan and the guy sent back in time to assassinate him have been pretty quiet

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Thank GOD.

Velo

But it was for comedic effect! It was ha ha fun times!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its bad enough being subjected to Alexs idea of what an american dork sounds like with Franklyn.

FancyShark

It screamed as it died and Liam just watched!

gellaho

BEEP boop, teens

Velo

That does sully the Ha Ha Fun Times

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yeah dont like pich it up and toss it in some of the nearby water or soemthing, Liam.

gellaho

BEEP boop, what is sad?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I hope you at least ate it.

Also sure tell the 2000s college kids all the secrets of your tube golem, that wont mean you now HAVE to kill them.

gellaho

He was like my dad, but now she's like my girlfriend. That's not weird, right?

gellaho

FancyShark

Scarrow's therapist knows what gun oil tastes like

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam she's not a sweetie

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE GODDAM FUTURE, LIAM!

gellaho

Hi, Ed. You macguffin, you

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"By liquidating you all."

"And replacing you with clones."

Velo

Oh right, Ed

gellaho

Saved

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Your families will never know! Isnt that neat?!"

Also I would kind of like for Arnold to be president.

FancyShark

At this point, yes

gellaho

This plan is beyond stupid

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And Danny DeVito can be VP.

frumpybadger

across the endless oceans of time, I weave this message;

"BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE"

FancyShark

Do it, Liam. Make a new cult. Saturate the time stream with cults. Each one worshipping a different version of Bob.

gellaho

Hey, dickheads, it only has to get to 2001. The computers won't be that good

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Gonna decode that fucker on this.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

With the unlimited power of Windows 2000.

gellaho

Hey there Howard. How's the assassination going?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Howard you bitch, you cant even gank one Chinese kid on a tour even tho you know hes gonna ruin the damn future.

gellaho

Um, Alex?

Velo

The voices said kill, Howard, why are you not killing?

gellaho

Oh, Alex. No, no, no

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hahahahahahahhahah no it isnt, bud. Its absolutely not possible.

gellaho

They be sixteen, Alex

Whitmore and Howard there are adults

Having a conversation about them breeding

FancyShark

"This of course assumes anyone here is attractive besides the killbot"

Velo

Atrocimeter?

gellaho

Real fucking weird, Alex

FancyShark

Oh yeah

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I feel like pointing out that you dont have enough ladies to establish a long term population is weird but not so much an atrocity.

gellaho

At least, I think Whitmore is

Velo

Come on dinosaurs, we can beat the holocaust!

FancyShark

Writing a book where you discuss it, though

-Additional 9/11s? - 10

-Pandora's Dude - 1

-Feeding tube trial runs - Unknown but probably at least 3

-Sort of killing Bob by replacing his brain - 1

-Teen gibbed by Maddy's time mistake - 1

-More children gibbed by Maddy's mistake - 15

-Not saving tiny dino eaten by the fire - 1

-Adults talking about breeding possibilities with teenagers in Cretacious - Are you fucking serious, Scarrow

gellaho

There are way too many characters and Alex never bothers to give a character's full name, much less any information about them

For example, Kelly is the last name of an adult man

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Isnt whitmore like a tour guide or some kind of teacher? Howard is deffo older than 20, they specifically called him out as that when they said he didnt look it.

VernoWhitney

Well, he gave Joseph Lam a full name, and then used the most confusing part of it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

So you're saying this is exactly as good as the Hobbit

gellaho

But, you better believe that's not what I think when I see "Kelly said"

Velo

I thought those films were sacred to your people

gellaho

Anyway, I think the message might be about Shrek

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Again, wrong country

You Americans love hockey and maple syrup right

gellaho

Meanwhile, the intelligent dinosaurs don't understand fire

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

To be fair, it takes apes a long time to get the hang of it too.

Some of us still dont.

gellaho

There's more hockey here than in Canada and Canada's last Stanley Cup was in 1993. Plus, who doesn't like maple syrup?

Velo

How dare you compare us to Alaska

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Bad example lol

gellaho

Suck it, Canada

Velo

GellahoSLAM

gellaho

They apparently know what a heart is, though

FancyShark

Except wasps. They have no hearts and can burn in hell

gellaho

They're also mimics?

FancyShark

"Want some candy?"

Velo

I think the gun in my concept art may have oversold the danger the things pose

gellaho

Add one to the count

Velo

Velo

There we go

Velo

16

gellaho

Liam gets a Dino-kiss

Velo

Juan immediately assumes Liam wants to fuck the dinosaur

FancyShark

Dino's getting so many diseases

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean wouldn't it feel pretty much like feathers though

gellaho

Becky punches it right in the face

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Whitmore. ITs brain is the size of a golf ball. It has at least two. Its probably not capable of considering the novelty of texture.

Also aw poor critter.

Velo

KILL IT

FancyShark

Go Becks!

Velo

MAKE IT DEAD

gellaho

That starts a stampede

FancyShark

That punch just gave all humans an extra toe

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I've lost the plot entirely, why are we punching an alamosaurus to death

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Just heading for this anyway, Liam.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Erotic thrills.

gellaho

It doesn't really lead to much, other than Liam seeing the mystery dinosaurs and thinking like a leprechaun

Velo

Are you saying that's a bad thing

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Ooooh i hope its opposable!

So I can peel bananas with my feet!

FancyShark

Nope. Just different.

Velo

More toes than AI can dream of

gellaho

Becky confused

FancyShark

oh I get it

The Aliens knockoff on the cover is a type of critter they're going to annihilate from the time stream for attacking them here

gellaho

A face only girls can make

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

lol. Theyre gonna set back sapient life by millions of years, rad.

Velo

Oh yeah that's probably what they're supposed to look like

Guess we won't need this third Velo I have lying around

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Becks, he intends to do a lot of things to you, but retire ain't one

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Retire? No, social security doesnt apply to tube golems........."

gellaho

BEEP boop, is human penis required?

frumpybadger

Haha okay Scarrow.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Eighty seven MORE?

Like that seems unlikely Alex.

frumpybadger

"Duhhh gorls can't fight as good, if a computer says it it's true" go stick your pecker in a plug socket bro.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Males are good at everything and females are good at being females

gellaho

I mean, you have the same brain, so that's weird

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Like when youre genetically engineering a cyborg tube golem you dont actually think normal human physiology applies, Alex. Or normal not weird people do, I realize you're British.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam just invented Polyamory

Velo

This is a good plan for once and I'm proud of Liam

frumpybadger

Liam discovering bicuriosity decades before he'll have the language to articulate it.

Velo

Liam who I almost called Connor because he is extremely unremarkable

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

A whole second tube golem? Great idea, in fact.........why do you even have a team of non tube golems in the first place?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

He's also accidentally a trans ally

gellaho

Your organic brain is that of an infant, lady

frumpybadger

Truly the best of this team

Velo

Great book cage to start pride month with

frumpybadger

9/11 said gay rights!

gellaho

Smoochy Smoochy

FancyShark

Kiss the golem, Liam

frumpybadger

"Ewww, cooties" - Alex Scarrow

Velo

Liam

This goes on the atrocimeter if you do it but also do it Liam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Well there goes that whole trans ally idea

gellaho

Well, I was wrong about Shrek being the code

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Thanks for ruining that Scarrow

Velo

Is it the script for the bee movie carved inside a t-Rex skull?

gellaho

Instead it's something that didn't exist in 2001, which is probably good

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

A real ally would use tongue, Liam. Hed french like theres no tomorrah.

gellaho

Get in something British and way more successful

FancyShark

So definitely not a trans ally

Velo

The entire book

Fuck you Joanne

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hhahahahah Alex, didnt your publisher tell you not to mention books way more successful than yours in your book?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also this.

gellaho

Well, at least it's not like it's long or anything

Oh, they wander through the woods for 400 pages? Oops

frumpybadger

Becks had to delete Asimov's Laws to make room for this.

Velo

Write every book on dinosaur bones, destroy Joanne's career

gellaho

Meanwhile, Edward decides that his best option for a friend is his assassin

gellaho

Now, he doesn't know that. But still

Velo

Edward instinctually seeks death

FancyShark

We're well on the way to the assassin protecting his target

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Im still holding out hope Howard pushes him into a volcano.

gellaho

Ditto-heads

Velo

And I agree with Edward. Embrace oblivion, Ed. It's the only way you're getting out of this book.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

That was never a thing, nobody used ditto except when referring to the Pokemon that will totally suck your dick, Alex.

gellaho

Nobody has

frumpybadger

Someone's behind on their Questprobe dogg zones

Velo

Ditto

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ditto-heads is garbage

gellaho

Weird to call Waldstein a great man when he's the person who actually created the time machine and you're here to kill the physicist who theorized it as a kid

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Alex are you trying to make ditto-head a thing or are you claiming it was a thing in America?

Velo

Yeah well Texans don't have cool slang like that which can be found in a little town called Canberra which is the capital of a little place I like to call Australia (be proud of me I looked it up)

gellaho

He's trying to come up with future slang for 2015. He's not doing well

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

No I wasn't saying what ditto-heads means I was just saying it was garbage writing and Scarrow belongs in a toilet

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Howard probably subscribes to the great man theory of history and would also say similar things about Hitler.

He IS from 2015 so we know hes probably a weirdo.

gellaho

Edward offers Howard his clam

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

You dont get told in 2015 "Hey do you want to be a time assassin?" and say yes without being a weird dude.

VernoWhitney

Isn't ditto-head a term for "Rush Limbaugh fan"?

Velo

Those tacos look so delicious

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Howard...........youre kind of right to not want to kill this kid, but also he does kind of ruin the future, so............

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Maybe you should just encourage him to major in liberal arts or something.

Polisci maybe.

Or engineering, anything but the M in STEM.

Or get him addicted to some kind of prehistoric jungle shroom.

He wont remember shit about time travel once hes licked a beelzebufo.

gellaho

While pondering this child murder, he gets attacked by a sea monster

frumpybadger

Oh hey, it's Fancy's great-aunt Meg!

FancyShark

Hi, Meg!

gellaho

There goes the ankle

Velo

Are we having fun kids?!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yeah kinda.

Brendo

CATCH ME UP

FancyShark

"AAAAGGGHHH! WHY DID I STAND IN SUCH DEEP WATER AND CONTEMPLATE MURDER WHILE IGNORING MY SURROUNDINGS?! AAAAGGGHHH!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Also, I know there are a million more relevant reasons why everything here sucks, but it doesn't even make sense to say becks learned how kissing works by reading harry potter. Those books are extremely bashful about their romantic scenes. It's basically a fade-to-black or the narrative equivalent of covering your face and peeking between your fingers when someone starts making out

Brendo

That's why it's called the ankle-a-sore-us

gellaho

Uh oh, somebody's not going to like this

FancyShark

-Additional 9/11s? - 10

-Pandora's Dude - 1

-Feeding tube trial runs - Unknown but probably at least 3

-Sort of killing Bob by replacing his brain - 1

-Teen gibbed by Maddy's time mistake - 1

-More children gibbed by Maddy's mistake - 15

-Not saving tiny dino eaten by the fire - 1

-Adults talking about breeding possibilities with teenagers in Cretacious - Are you fucking serious, Scarrow

Brendo

What kind of message did they send?

Velo

Harry Potter

frumpybadger

Hahahaha his fucking foot gets bit off and he shouts "OH NO"? Like a cartoon character?

Fuck this kid.

FancyShark

Velo isn't joking

Brendo

Why in the world do they intend to keep society going 65 million years ago?

gellaho

It's encoded in Harry Potter, please

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Send More Shrek DVDS" encoded onto the DNA of oysters.

frumpybadger

This is literally not even a joke

Not even kind of

FancyShark

They briefly consider it before deciding "not enough women"

gellaho

Howard passes out

FancyShark

Ace work, Howard

frumpybadger

ONTO IS ONE WORD, YOU FUCK

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

This is the worst time assassination ever.

frumpybadger

I don't know why that's my trigger phrase but fuuuuuck.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

You usually dont see the assassin lose their own foot.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

gellaho

Horseshit

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

A snapped achilles tendon will mend?

Velo

Becks said before punching her fist straight through his skull in an act of mercy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Did you learn that from harry potter too, becks?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

No it fuckin wont, and how did that bus sized eater fish not bite his fuckin foot clean off?!

FancyShark

I guess sharks just nibbled their prey back then

Velo

Oh damn you're right she might have

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

T....test bite?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I will prepare you a Skele-grow potion to repair this damage"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I guess?

Velo

I'm starting to worry Becks might be dumb as fuck

frumpybadger

Meg lost her dentures that morning but you didn't hear that from me

gellaho

Really makes you think

Velo

No it doesn't and I refuse to

gellaho

No, not Ranjit! Whoever that is!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Who?

Velo

What

FancyShark

oh no not the other person we care about and know

frumpybadger

Its fine, the main characters have a crumple zone of commonwealth minorities to keep them safe

Velo

Oh right

The non-white

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Any good expedition story brings along some dead-meat characters, but we're supposed to see them die

Velo

Well then

gellaho

This probably won't come up

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Fuck he was the heart of the team, with his catchphrase, "Its-a me, Ranjit!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Don't you know your King Kong, Scarrow?

Velo

Scarrow's just extra efficient

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

His editor probably made him cut the six page graphic description of Ranjit being eaten and digested.

gellaho

Sal longs for the peaceful 9/11 evenings once again