131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke

Ozzie

Sorry, dude

Velo

Oh I timed this poorly

FancyShark

FUCKINGFUCK YOU BRUCE

Brendo

Fair point.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Vooster

Hahaha, finally! Something that appeals to me, the urban audience

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

At least it's not Mr. T-Rex

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Is it better or worse than Veloci-Pastor?

gellaho

FUCK

It's too much

Anyway

GDC

I hate this so much

FancyShark

Worse. Veloci-Pastor was tongue-in-cheek

Brendo

Bruce has this killer bit at a brick wall comedy club about the different ways races pick LINUX installs.

gellaho

Let's see what's next

Hmm

GDC

Bruce genuinely thinks he's being clever, it's so sad

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

For one second I thought the saggy pants was Bruce trying to creatively describe how a Velociraptor would wear clothes. Of course I gave him too much credit

Vooster

So, the west world didn't change the way the charaters talked or behaved but Jurrasic Park made some of them literally act as kids

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Why would you make your security system like this?

FancyShark

You need a novel for porn?

How much buildup do you need, Bruce?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

They make those, yes.

Brendo

Better because it was timed to our resident Velociraptor rapping

gellaho

Off to the next

Brendo

Or ARE you Inge, @Velo ?

GDC

Even in the distant future of 2005?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Have you tried dial-up?

FancyShark

Oh I know. I've seen Janet Evanovich books.

gellaho

Hmm

Vooster

Well you might as well force market your books on intruders. Maybe a true fan will survive

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Even MORE in the distant and unfathomable future of 2005/

Brendo

Guys, I'm fading out. I think I have to take off my data panties with the end in sight.

Vooster

Go to bed!

gellaho

A generic sci-fi story? Could you even imagine?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Jack out and try not to flatline, choom.

FancyShark

Take care, @Brendo ! We love you and will see you tomorrow! Go sleep!

Velo

If it comforts you I refuse to believe the end is in sight.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also rest easy knowing hell holds no terror worse than this.

gellaho

Where is this going

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Was this a Sphere reference

gellaho

Well, shit

Brendo

It'll all be worth it if three irepressibly horny yet annoying women who are the same person try to mutilate me with their--BRUCE! You can't scoop me on saying you hate women.

Brendo

oh he's doing Hemingway.

Now we have to check that every single scene is a satire of a different author and then drink kool-aid

gellaho

Oh, we're doing Jurassic Park again

FancyShark

@Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky is right. I no longer fear Hell.

Velo

Please no

FancyShark

WELL WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This time its also Innerspace.

Because Bruce couldnt think of an Innerspace pun.

Vooster

Alll good books get sequels!

Vooster

Bad ones too!

Brendo

Denver was our worst dinosaur.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

This book is making the eye roll emoji tear upwards through my most commonly used list

gellaho

This dipshit wanted to make a joke about Michael Crichton being afraid of Disneyland, but couldn't find a third example, so made one up

Brendo

goodnight

Vooster

Night!

FancyShark

Sleep well!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Yeah Congo.

gellaho

Oh, wait, time #4

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The most disappointing read of Young Sausages life after watching teh movie.

FancyShark

We could be cutting Bruce in half right now

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

He wrote a book where a scientist made an ape-human hybrid and smuggled it home instead of euthanizing it

And he tried to raise it as his child

gellaho

And, off to the next toilet

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

But it bit another kid

gellaho

Uh

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I think we are seeing Bruce's head implode

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce..........is this the concept for a short story and you expanded it to a novel? You can tell us, we.........well we arent your friends and are currently trying to kill you with our thoughts, but hiding is pointless.

gellaho

Well, it's good we wasted 28 pages on this then

Ozzie

Their job is to steal what? I can't follow this fucking plot.

Vooster

I expected a Stepford Wives rip off and got something way dumber

gellaho

Now our main character doesn't know what a car looks like

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce with only two paragraphs you managed to make me sure you were a fascist shithead, where before I just thought you were a stupid shithead.

FancyShark

Neither can we! And we've been here since the start!

Vooster

Is this still part of the security wall or are they "in the system" so to speak

gellaho

I don't know

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

The book not-Crichton stole from his ex who is the nicest purest young woman in the world

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I dont even care anymore, I just want Bruce to get shot by the FBI.

FancyShark

oh right

Velo

Is this the new worst book?

FancyShark

It might be

Vooster

And hottest and smartest and humblest and most competent and totally in looooooove with Max Kool

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I was previously willing to write that off as just being a dumb asshole.

GDC

Worst author definitely

FancyShark

It's definitely the most painfully drawn out

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

You are still strong, you haven't become Velo-rapper

gellaho

Hey, let's get meta

Velo

No

gellaho

It's only the end of the book

Velo

God damn it no

Vooster

Honestly, I like the idea of Velocirapper, just you know, written by anyone else

gellaho

Sounds like I need to bring back Nicole Davidson

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The talons could do cool scritches on a turntable.

Velo

She's so good. Her characters have personalities. Like self insert, and hunk.

And teacher who falls in a hole

FancyShark

And corpse!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Ignore the negatory emoji and do it.

Velo

I love Nicole Davidson so much

Vooster

The square who hates smoking and piercings and unusual hair cuts is smoking to look Max Cool right now

gellaho

Women, amirite?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I would read a hundred books by a stupid moo like Nicole Davidson right now.

Velo

I miss Scarrow

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also LADIES! DO NOT PROTECT MEN FROM THEIR OWN STUPIDITY!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Every relationship conversation is awful

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

They wont learn if you keep doing that.

gellaho

That sequel she wrote is still the most painful thing I've read

Vooster

Let Darwinism take its course!

Velo

Crash Course?

gellaho

Yes

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Sometimes we just have to be allowed to find out what happens if we jam that pocket knife into the toaster.

Velo

The one at Deep Creek Lake Ski Resort?

gellaho

You have no idea

Velo

Which is a real place

gellaho

Anyway, time to make out

Ozzie

This guy's handle is Max Kool and he's choking on a virtual cigarette?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh I remember that one. Nothing happened.

Ozzie

Gimme a fuckin' break here.

gellaho

And you'll never guess who the Aryan girl turns out to be

Go on, guess

Velo

Is it Carl

FancyShark

The boss from work who fired him

gellaho

Negative

Velo

I hope it's fan favorite character, Carl

FancyShark

The black sexpot lady from work

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It's himself?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Its the black girl from work whos a plant freak, isnt it?

Vooster

Hitler?

gellaho

That is correct, sir

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Yayyyyyyy

FancyShark

gasp

Vooster

A person pretending to be another race?! That just doesn't happen

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

no

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

That character I forgot about until just nowwwwwww.

Velo

Oh god damn it

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Huzzah.

Ozzie

And now this fucker is denigrating the great sport of tag-team masturbation?

gellaho

What

Velo

Time for more pegging

This book is 90% pegging

gellaho

Actually, now that I remembered Spy High, that might also have been worse

GDC

This is a reference to that 80s cartoon about fighting crime in a future time

gellaho

Because that was made for children like Scarrow, but super racist

Vooster

Bruce having a thing for black women still counts against him, somehow

Velo

Excellent emoji work, everyone

gellaho

Anyway, there's alarms now

FancyShark

You'd think the plant worship would have come up at some point

GDC

I guess a thing is happening now

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

It did! And then was discarded.

Velo

Is it?

gellaho

Kinda expected it to be spelled "alarums"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

NO LONGER MATTERS!

Are the alarums divers?

gellaho

Seems like his vibe

FancyShark

Right! I was thinking with the cyberdating

gellaho

We're flipping through virtual realities

Vooster

Online you can be anyone! Including someone who doesn't worship a plant!

FancyShark

Aren't both of them gods? Why is any of this a threat?

Vooster

T'Shombe is skinny now? Wait, right, this is her Aryan Princess avatar

I will not let that go

gellaho

She's still trying to get him into her cult

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh cool.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Nor should you

gellaho

Books are hard to write

They both had to pretend to be children for some reason in that mall one

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I can't believe this is still going

Vooster

I really hope no one dies in this scene and has to log back in later

FancyShark

I hope the ice cream social is them ladling rocky road onto several ferns

gellaho

Our hero (?) let's the black woman pretending to be a white elf pretending to be a mech kill Nazis

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This security system isnt written in C++ its COBOL and its fucking them up.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's what plants crave

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Still fewer steps than Jack being Kool

gellaho

gellaho

Gasp!

FancyShark

:betrayal:

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Youve fucked him like three times and given him money already? Why would you NOT?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ok so just log off with the disk in your inventory

gellaho

Gasp! The experimental fuck rig she gave me doesn't let me escape from her!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

You know because it's a fucking video game

Vooster

Honestly, she could have just paid him in sex and she would save her cash and he would be happy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ah Bruce is one step ahead of me

gellaho

We got a feet thing!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Gotta give him credit for that one

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Just make her shoot your worthless dick off.

FancyShark

She had the gun inches from his nose and shot his knee

Lady, there are Hardy Boys villains with better aim than that

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hitscan gun.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

He's got a really weird nose

gellaho

Ballshot

Vooster

She activated VATS and the knee had a higher chance to hit

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

cool.

Ozzie

It was her beautiful sexy feet that were by his nose.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

You know what they say about men with big noses and weak knees

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Tackle them low so they cant walk after.

Vooster

Um, so if you break into a digital vault, hold the hidden file in your hand, and then exit the system, that counts as stealing the file?

gellaho

Anyway, here's the Letterjocks. Who remembers them?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Who?

gellaho

Exactly

Vooster

Don't you have to take it back out of the vault and put it into a personal drop box that you own?

FancyShark

The high schoolers who beat him up in the real world

WHY DO I REMEMBER THAT

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

We are broken people

Velo

We're broken, Shark. We're all broken.

gellaho

Stuff is happening

Velo

It sure is

Ozzie

Hold up, Mounds Park?

Has this been happening in Minnesota the whole time?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

They're gonna make him play baseball. TO THE DEATH!

gellaho

It's OneDrive, thank you

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Yes, I remember this

FancyShark

Yes! The terrible author is based in your state!

Vooster

And yet he still lives, Ozzie!

gellaho

Don't worry, his datadildo is still in

GDC

Vooster

Now we learn that Amber isn't some meek single mom nun

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Does this mean his ass - and only his ass - is still in the virtual world?

FancyShark

A whanging headache is when you get dehydrated from too much ProctoProd

gellaho

Well, I've lost it

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Amber is probably a Swiss Interpol officer named Geert.

Ozzie

The fact that he invented the term cyberpunk and I've never heard of him before this despite constantly going to local conventions must mean he's actively in hiding or something.

FancyShark

He's very much a chud

gellaho

Whyyyyyyy?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think that was a different woman who we never met, and Amber just took a job from her?

gellaho

Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Vooster

Why is this a courtroom drama now

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Why is Bitch Pudding there

Vooster

With haunted dollhouse elements?

Velo

Diana please stop fucking long enough for us to have court

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm so close to giving up

gellaho

Huh?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean it has to end soon right

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Last MInute Twist: GLOBALIST CABAL EDITION!

Velo

What

gellaho

Oh, and I guess Amber was his boss that fired him

Vooster

Oh right the other woman

FancyShark

Of course she was

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

We just have to sit thru Bruce telling us about ZOG and the Reptoids.

FancyShark

The lady who was only allowed "sexy" as a character trait was actually the lady who was only allowed "sexy" as a character trait

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

So in the entire world of the virtual reality, everyone was from his office

Vooster

And no one figured out the other's real world persona until now

gellaho

The judge shoots somebody in the head

Vooster

Convenient!

GDC

Oh right, the one he was constantly sexually harassing. Checks out.

gellaho

Have you done a reality check?

gellaho

That is the most 90s thing in this book

Vooster

If only they used proper version control. Tsk

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

git out

gellaho

I guess the two fuck birds got away

Vooster

Why are literal teen jocks acting as police/baliffs?

gellaho

Anyway

gellaho

Great question

Velo

Fucked so hard the law can't get them

gellaho

I have no answers

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Cmoooooooooooon Bruce we all know its coming, tell us about your views on the Satanic conspiracy lurking under the Getty Museum and how you battled the 99 alien Nazi psychics with your mind powers to remote view the mole children enslaved by the Cabal.

gellaho

Who remembers teddy ruxpin, eh?

Velo

Bruce isn't that interesting, he's just been watching hit tv show The X-Files

FancyShark

Women getting punched! Satire

gellaho

Other than Seth McFarlane

Ozzie

Which means this is all happening like 5 minutes from my house.

gellaho

I don't need his input on this

FancyShark

YOU CAN END THIS

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce..........stop remembering the 80s.

Vooster

I was expecting this to have a dumb end

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Surely it should actually be Judge Ruxpin to her

gellaho

I guess the computers are putting them on trial now...?