Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Time to bring back cutting your ex's dick off.
131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke
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Roadkill on the Information Superhighway!
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Vooster
It's in the prenup
gellaho
I have no idea what's happening
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
30 minutes to decompress 1.44 MB 👏
Vooster
Amber is not real
gellaho
Why is there new stuff happening
Brendo
Oh the guy nobody has ever mentioned, including the two gun nuts our hero spends the entire book with.
FancyShark
So she's just so hot you guys for real but she's also the best person
Vooster
There is no actress/model/writer/medical student/mother Theresa in existance
I'd believe she's any 3 of those things
gellaho
You'll never understand how long this goes on for
Behold a partial amount
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I guess she doesn't have to be good at any of them to claim them
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Boooooooooo get an abortion.
Brendo
Is he yadda-yadda-ing the actual maguffin and motive?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Abortion is safe and cool.
Brendo
Jesus christ, this book
GDC
I wish Bruce's Mom had taken this advice
gellaho
I can no longer remember what a joke is
FancyShark
So she's deeply religious but totally cool with having an affair. Got it.
Brendo
This actually perfectly describes my friend from college and even we are just perpetually like "How is she a real human?"
Velo
What the fuck is happening
Brendo
Bioethicist who spent sometime in a convent after modeling. And I'm STILL calling this bullshit.
Velo
Confusion has never been this uninteresting
gellaho
Anyway, his buddy fucks for days, breaks up, and then fucks again
FancyShark
Don't tell me we're only just now getting to the plot
Vooster
I think he meant affair in the more "whirlwind romance that was questionable from and age/power dynamic" way
FancyShark
oh. Carry on then
gellaho
Oh, Inge also started going by Reba at some point
gellaho
Beej alert, fyi
Brendo
Why is this novel written in HTML and hearsay
Vooster
Reba because of red hair
Women are to be defined by one physical trait and nothing else
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
That's so much setup
gellaho
It's been a minute
And by a minute, I mean several hours
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
She got scuba certified? Just so Gunnar could fuck her mouth in the bath?
gellaho
Time to change structure again!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Don't they have a heist to plan?!
Brendo
WHAT NO WHY
Velo
Fuck you
gellaho
If you want to know who those two are, I don't know
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
You found another!
Vooster
Structure changed because this is all a daydream, like last time when they rebooted the mainframe
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Yeah I am completely lost
Inge is everyone?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fantasizing about Neuromancer and its tightly controlled pace.....
gellaho
What is even happening
Velo
Turns out I had some spares left over from that Atlantis wine merchant slave trader book
Brendo
Well she can't be Reba just because she dyed her hair. She already has giant, freckled boobs so her name has to be mother.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Somehow this sci fi novel writer is also in deep with the military industrial complex
gellaho
Who weeps for the nerdy girl?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hahahaha the idea that Jimmy Carter could have gotten reelected in 1996.
gellaho
Nobody wants the nerdy girl's big, freckled tits
I guess
Vooster
Yeah, nerd girls never get laid
Ozzie
I'm here, what are we doing?
Vooster
Like nerd boys, but we are supposed to feel bad for the boys
gellaho
I AM GIRL NERD! RAWR!
Brendo
The James Patterson of Dan Browns is also the tom clancy
FancyShark
Hi, @Ozzie !
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
40 year olds still wishing they were more popular in high school. I feel like that's a recurring theme in book cage writers for some reason
gellaho
Mostly because I pick untalented losers
Except for Simon Hawke and John Jakes
Vooster
Once again Inge has the most relatable and solid motivation
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
OHHHHHHHH
gellaho
RIP King
Brendo
Not me, her life is fucking awesome.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hahahahah imagine thinking this protagonist is hip.
Vooster
She's trying to be nice
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
We didnt even call it that by the time this book came out, Bruce.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
25 years later she could be a millionaire influencer
gellaho
I forget what the premise of this book is
FancyShark
This book is labeled "satire", but it lacks the level of self-awareness to pull that off
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Fuckin Christ
Brendo
Whom we killed.
gellaho
Why are you having virtual sex?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
It is an ouroboros of satire
gellaho
Isn't she virtually a fat, immobile, Italian man?
FancyShark
WE DID THIS ALREADY, BRUCE
Vooster
AND HE HIT IT
Fuck yes, Gunnar
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Okay i mean yeah you WOULD do that if you could, but we kind of could have figured that out for ourselves, Bruce.
Vooster
AKA Sophia
They one thing they won't do is have same sex
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Whats the point of being able to completly alter your physical makeup if you dont use it to do different sex things to someone?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh yeah
gellaho
I didn't feel bad about virtually beating up that guy with palsy. Fuck him!
gellaho
Brendo
Do we even know the name of the client or is she just Plot Device Mary?
Vooster
She can make her avatar mobile if the wanted
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok so they don't die but he's traumatized anyway, cool
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
OOC this is great
gellaho
You ever heard of James Bond?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"You know, my coworker"
Brendo
Hey, @gellaho how many pages are left?
Ozzie
"She's a hot nympho irl and an ugly fat dude online" is, like, almost something, but it's absolutely not trying to say anything here.
gellaho
Hey, what if Dr Seuss, but edgy?
Brendo
This novel is a trainwreck I have to watch, but BREN_KOOL is winding down. I think the sandman is about to pull Procto-Discord out of my rectum.
gellaho
You probably don't want to know
49
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I programmed him to feel pain and SUFFER
Brendo
Nobody cares Thing 2 is dying
gellaho
I finally got a man in one of these!
Brendo
He can't even rhyme without his double to set up the alpha rhyme
gellaho
Why'd it have to be this one!
Velo
I left to doomspiral for a bit and it felt better than this
gellaho
You ever seen Star Trek?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Big whoop.
Velo
God damnit
gellaho
Again, you can absolutely suck it
Vooster
I know it's literally called "Thing" but he didn't establish what it is
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Fuck off
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Hahaha dumb bastards thinking the web is all cliches and catchprases and memes
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This means less to me than the time that lady died in Phantasy Star 4.
Vooster
The opening scenes of Skyrim had more pathos than this
GDC
Having never played it, same.
gellaho
Oh, wait, it wakes up and they shoot it in the head
gellaho
So edgy
FancyShark
I haven't been this moved by a death since I scrolled past the news about Lou Dobbs
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
NGL it hurt my soul back when I was like 11 or so.
Velo
Amazing teamwork
Brendo
We're going to have to watch TRAXX after this to cleanse our souls
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Scooped
Velo
No, traxx isn't strong enough for this. We need Bingo.
gellaho
This is the worst thing to happen to Frankenstein since Spy High
Vooster
I Frankenstein
Velo
Fuck you Bruce
gellaho
I hate this book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Why not just do a cheat code and give the gun infinite ammo?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
There it is!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Every part of that was wrong
gellaho
Well, best not get the plot moving
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Why would max kool not know what a handshake is
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Shoot.
YOu dont get many chances to shoot your ex wife after she tries to cut your dick in half.
Brendo
Because no one ever wanted to offer him their friendship.
Vooster
Eliza has established herself as reliable and trustworthy, sure
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
No one's ever offered one to Jack
Vooster
Please keep in mind - I am still on Eliza's side
gellaho
What?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah I just didn't have the energy to go through everything that was fucked
Velo
I hate that you have to read this book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"delft"?
What?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
The pain is being crowdsourced
Ozzie
"china" as in porcelain, delft being a type of porcelain
Vooster
Nevermind, Eliza, please try to kill Max Kool before I lose faith in you
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
China pinballs?
FancyShark
ohhhh
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Delft is a city in the netherlands, Bruce?
What the fuck?
FancyShark
He's talking about those porcelain balls
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
But wouldnt they break
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
OHHHHHHHHHH
Velo
Of course Bruce is boring enough for a specific type of porcelain
FancyShark
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
What a fucking weird way to describe having blue eyes.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
It's a fucking weird book
gellaho
They agree to let her come along. For reasons. Reba/Don Italiano/Inge blames the army
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like this is how a grandma who collects porcelain dolls would write it.
Velo
Bruce is trying to "lol so random" an entire book
Vooster
10 years before it became mainstream!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also a Humvee is a fuckin death trap if you see anything more than small arms fire, you are all gonna die if there are VR rockets.
gellaho
Eliza keeps goosing him
Vooster
Eh, not like a dildocycle is safer
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its got maneuverability at least.
Brendo
Eliza never does anything. She's like the random attack sprite that will hit you once per level without affecting the story.
gellaho
So did the Bicycling Through Time. And Kent Montana
Vooster
Max just implicitly trusts whichever woman is talking to him, but also, you can't trust those shifty wimmin, grrrrr
FancyShark
Fucking hell, Kent Montana
gellaho
And just about every other "humor" book
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
She gets to virtually sexually harass him, at least
Velo
Yeah but Bruce's randoms feel worse because Bruce sucks
gellaho
Who remembers the Who runner from 275 pages ago?
Velo
What
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Die in a fucking fire.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Yeah now I'm mad
gellaho
Time for some top level domain gags
Ozzie
Nothing says "we're about to fuck shit up in this humvee" like Bob Seger
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
DARPA should be built on the ancient and dnagerous tunnels of DARPAnet
gellaho
Vidbinocs
GDC
It's pronounced fronk-lin-steen
Velo
If this ends up being a DNS joke I will commit crimes humanity doesn't have words for
gellaho
They had a song called "Magic Bus." Closest thing I got
Black-budget
FancyShark
Here's a fun fact: one of the reviews of this book that praised it said the ending is "really really dumb"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Black ICE! 👏 Black ICE 👏
FancyShark
So that's something to look forward to
gellaho
Stuff is certainly happening
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I want the book to follow that kid instead
gellaho
Certainly stuff is happening
gellaho
Yep
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
YOU DIRTY FUCK YOU STOLE THOSE FROM STEVE JACKSON!
FancyShark
Fuck you, Bruce
Vooster
And why is a random kid attacking a famous author who is also some sort of military leader (got the position by authoring real good)
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Cyberpunk.
gellaho
I certainly would be horrified if this was at all real
Vooster
I can't help but wonder if this author thinks he can get a military sponsorship by authoring real gud
Wait ecology police?
gellaho
You know what familiar face we haven't seen yet?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hahahahah imagine there being a time when the UN did things and people took it seriously.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
That kid really kitted out his avatar;s gore
gellaho
Hey, it's the Nazis
gellaho
As per usual
Vooster
The author seems to be implying that an environmental protection armed force is bad, somehow
gellaho
It's not a Book Cage until ol' Hitler shows up
Vooster
Also I keep saying "the author" because I keep genuinely forgetting his name is Bruce
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yayyyyyy its our buddy, Hitler.
FancyShark
That Hitler guy gives me the creeps
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"Ja, vee ahr zee bahd guys"
gellaho
No idea what's happening here
gellaho
I miss Photon
GDC
Oh God are they doing a blazing saddles bit now?
gellaho
Eliza does the sexy Nazi trick
FancyShark
But she's still emaciated?
gellaho
Then they get eaten by... crocodiles? Alright
Vooster
Aryan Princess mode
FancyShark
Sure. Why not.
gellaho
I love the sentence Inside.
What a great paragraph
Vooster
Why are the nazis german? There's plenty of american nazis for hire
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Everyone knows a naked woman will make men forget about guns
gellaho
Huh?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Scabs. You want proper Nazis you got to the Fatherland.
gellaho
Must have missed part 1
FancyShark
Every chapter of this has been an assault
gellaho
Now it's the old west, fuck you
Vooster
Oh no! her gun has been replaced with another gun! How will she kill now?!
Velo
I'm so excited for when you get to put this book down
gellaho
You ever heard of West World?
Brendo
Don't worry, the 15-yo avatar was just Lou Dobbs.
Velo
I wonder if this is what got him the Wild Wild West gig
gellaho
No, seriously, it's West World
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
An original westworld reference
Vooster
How is it logically inconsistent to have an 1884 gun that started manufacture in 1864?
gellaho
Michael Crichton had a lawsuit heret
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce just stealing ideas from far better writers and going "Look at me, im doing a satire."
Vooster
How is it strange to have another gun from 1896?! For all you know it's 1910 where you are!
It's not like old guns zap out of existence when a new year rolls around although that would be nice
gellaho
No time for that, time for the mall!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I can only guess she knows what year the book took place
FancyShark
One reviewer said this book "makes fun of all the tropes in cyberpunk". I hope they're burning in hell tonight.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Or what year the theme park was set in anyway
gellaho
Uh?
gellaho
Huh?
What?
Buh?
FancyShark
Dawn of the Dead, I'm guessing
Brendo
This is Sucker Punch for incels.
gellaho
Try again
That's right, it's Jurassic Park
FancyShark
DAMMIT
gellaho
Cause fuck you
Vooster
Then what was Sucker Punch for? More recent incels?
gellaho
Oh, no
Velo
Wicki-wicki wild Wild West Jim West desperado rough rider no you don't want nada, none of this, six-gunnin' this, brother-runnin' this - oh it's over
FancyShark
Fuck, this is also Land of the Lost
gellaho
Oh, no!
Vooster
Not even the premise of RP1 is original
gellaho
It's the worst thing I've ever read
Velo
Oh no
FancyShark
OH NO
gellaho
I don't know what to do after this
Vooster
You've read a lot of shit Gellaho
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuck yes.
gellaho
Fuck
Velo
NO
gellaho
I
I am lost
FancyShark
FUCK