131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke

Vooster

And this Brian Eno album

Brendo

Listen, unless it has the squeaktoy plastic in the boobies, it's not the deluxe 1:500 limited editions that interest me.

gellaho

Can we get it a third time?

Vooster

let's see!

gellaho

Once again, unto the datadildo

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Im too busy reading about this play\novel tbh.

Vooster

Mine is a false scoop because I was deliberately reposting

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Which is also a 2014 movie that seems rad.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The sugar free ice cream of irony!

Brendo

You can't use the VR internet if it doesn't know how hard the Minecraft zombies are making you clench up

gellaho

He's got something up his ass, get it?

Vooster

Haha, I hate the data dildo. I didn't use it last night when you left 👉🏾 👈🏾

gellaho

Methinks Brian doth protest too much

FancyShark

Why would someone make a virtual bike that leaks oil?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Ultraglide is what you also want for the data dildo.

Vooster

Wow, now he has a dripping ultraglide

gellaho

Useful

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Nerd shit. The same reason you have realistic horse testicles in RDR2

Vooster

Hey, maybe use more general references

Fernand Leger my ass

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Vooster

ITS GOOD ART BUT FUCK YOU ANYWAYS

gellaho

His tits could use some work

Vooster

Brendo

So he doesn't get a headache from his brain receiving dissonant signals of oil leaks under his ass from the proctoplant

gellaho

I mean, it's not not hot. But still

What is happening

Brendo

No, Jack's ass.

FancyShark

Static?

gellaho

Eat my balls, Bruce

Vooster

Ah, this is where the term jackass came from!

Velo

Is this a question or a quiz? Either way we're all fucked

Brendo

Why did they log him in so far from where he needs to be?

gellaho

Hey, fuck you. Read this whole page if you hate yourself

Vooster

Pass. I'm practicing self care

Did plot happen in that page?

Brendo

Can't believe people are using the information superhighway to delight and amuse one another, I grumbled, as I kicked the metaphorical but also literally virtual bike into gear to find some REAL info to interface.

gellaho

Just put the fucking text boxes in for your fucking art obsession, you dickhead

GDC

This sounds too much like my real job to be fun to read

gellaho

As an actual science boy since birth, I find all this art talk disgusting

Vooster

Is an information dumpster the computer's recycling bin?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

You can do both

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

One thing they taught in Good Writer class when Bruce was absent, dont try and describe visual art forms in prose, you will fuck it up and look like a real asshole unless youre actually smart or funny.

Brendo

Is he seriously abandoning the thing he likes but knows we hate in a completed, united work?

gellaho

Do you remember Carl? Probably not, the last time he was referenced was page 11

FancyShark

Probably not a good idea to remind the reader garbage cans exist, Bruce

GDC

Somehow the asides directly addressing the audience are the most insufferable.

Velo

I REMEMBER CARL

is the joke still that he's a cripple?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

LET HIM DIE

Vooster

Of course I remember Carl, the security guard. All security guards are named Carl

Brendo

Fuck you, I gave you those tickets to my Interpretive Dance of the Architecture recital in trust.

gellaho

This is just baffling

FancyShark

Fuck you

FUCK YOU

Velo

Oh hey that movie! You know that movie! It's that one movie.

Ah references

Vooster

Do iron maidens hurt when used in cyberspace?

gellaho

This is a sad 13 year old nerd's fan fiction about password security

Vooster

Because this is literally maiming all your employees on login

GDC

Those passwords are too short to be secure.

FancyShark

I'll admit I have fantasized about that for some users at my job

gellaho

You ever heard of Frankenstein?

Vooster

It's hard to remember passwords when you have to say them outloud instead of using muscle memory to type them in

Brendo

You're forgetting this Matrix runs on punchcard processing power.

gellaho

Fuck

Velo

Hey it's that thing! You remember that thing! It's that thing!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce. You could have written this entirely from the pov of someone who never leaves cyberspace, and it would have been better.

FancyShark

Okay, he's right that it's bullshit, but he also brought it up

gellaho

You ever heard of Dr Seuss?

Brendo

This Reginald Vel Johnson Robocop is really smug.

Velo

This book is exhausting

Vooster

That's a lot of words to say "I know lethal feedback isn't real"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Thing.........squared?

Bruce.

Brendo

And scream them for your coworkers to hear.

Vooster

Anyways, the Username is Admin and the Password is Admin

GDC

He should use subscripts for denoting things, now it just looks like thing and thing squared.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

You're smart enough to not do that.

gellaho

God fucking dammit

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hate

Vooster

Does he plan on explaining what these data scout gremlins are and how he got them?

Brendo

No it's better when the foe is an uncaring yet sadistic robot and the protagonist knows it's bluffing without ever worrying, just like in Dostoevsky.

gellaho

You ever heard of Star Wars and Conan?

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Does anyone know that hate speech from the start of I have no mouth

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I say this as a humanitarian and someone who believes all people can contribute and have worth. Cut your fucking hands off and live in a cave.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This was written in 1995, right? I think comedy science had progressed beyond this; maybe by 1 step, but still further

Brendo

Why does every third crap book of ours feel the need to reference this one Seuss story?

Vooster

KISS

gellaho

As for why the virtual avatar of his former coworker is here, I have no idea

Vooster

Needed more hunks

Velo

We've read comedy from the 90s. This is terrible even for the time.

gellaho

(This is the one in the wheelchair with palsy)

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

These fucking hacker jokes are so fucking stupid, they're stupid when hackers do them, and tbh the main reason why hackers should be loathed by the public.

Brendo

Or password123, I mean it's 1995. He could just "jack" into one of the employees' "webcams" to see the "Post-It note" where their login is written.

Velo

This makes me miss bicycling through space and time

Vooster

But here, and remain calm, here in cyberspace he chooses to look different

gellaho

Ugh

Velo

FUCK WHAT?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Let's not say things we might regret

FancyShark

To be clear, the movie Sneakers came out three years before this book. And it fucking ruled.

gellaho

Ugh

Velo

I MISS BICYCLING THROUGH TIME AND SPACE IT WAS BETTER THAN THIS BOOK

Brendo

Ah those famous Austrian vikings

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hey Bruce, do you see how making your main character an invincible superman makes your story fucking boring?

I know you read Snow Crash before writing this.

Brendo

REPLACE THEM WITH CYBERNETIC ANTIQUE GUNS

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

His only weakness is everything he says and does

Vooster

He's not invincible. He feels mild discomfort from his cyberdildo

gellaho

This is so, so, so, so, so, so, so embarrassing. You will never have any idea

Brendo

Rooster gets our vibe.

gellaho

Here's a bit

GDC

Your characters aren't likable enough to be trickster archetypes.

Brendo

Don't worry, this guy also fucks cats.

gellaho

You got that handicapped man!

Brendo

"Hey guys, welcome back to my ViewTube Channel. Anyways, so I'm God."

gellaho

Thanks for the explanation, you fuckwit

Vooster

Can't they just log back in in a few minutes?

Or seconds?

What if one of these jokers has multiple lives?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

No their computers exploded, because thats how VR works.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

If these are real users why would they act like that Bruce

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

There is soooo much ragequitting

gellaho

Oh, no! My 3-D waifu!

Vooster

Yeah, I remember missing a jump 3 times in Mario and my Nintendo melted

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

UNRELIABLE NARRATOR!

Velo

I used up all my 'fuck you's so I guess I just have to let this one pass

FancyShark

I haven't. FUCK YOU, BRUCE

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Or so I assume because the writer is just enough of a fuckwit to scrunch up his brow and spit that out.

gellaho

It's been a real slice

Velo

I'm glad you kept some in reserve. This book is hundreds of pages long.

Brendo

I don't know why everyone says there are no stakes. He might be omnipotent but the man still has to wade through a field of gash destroying itself to receive him.

Vooster

Goodbye, creature that was not established

gellaho

And you can definitely use this illegally procured evidence in court

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This is making me really want to go back and read Snow Crash, a book I dont really love but will admit is way better.

Brendo

How many people have died in the last ten minutes so that Jack doesn't have to hurt one person or guess a password?

Vooster

A greedy corporation? In God's America?!

Velo

I will miss you, whatever the fuck you were. I'll always remember how you did whatever the fuck you did.

FancyShark

So the entirety of the plot was how many chapters? This one?

gellaho

You can all suck it. I'm reading the damn thing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I still don't know if these people die for real

gellaho

I mean, the same thing happened in The Matrix

Brendo

GDC = God Damn Callous

Vooster

Neither do the characters!

Velo

Yeah but I'm saving "are you alright?" until the end, when you've fully earned the concern

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Did I?"

"Yeah you did, bud. You knew that. Honestly you fit right in, considering you were fired for playing a videogame where you basically murdered your new supervisor."

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

They don't die IRL but the mental trauma rom dying in cyberspace grants them instant PTSD

gellaho

I could have sworn he said she had a full figure earlier

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

If its anything like my PC their shit crashes and they then spend an hour resetting windows.

Which is LIKE dying.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I think she was thin and her breasts fit perfectly in his hands

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

She resized her cybertits!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Those are the only details I vaguely remember

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

She got them Conan Exiles sliders.

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

Brendo

Where are your rhymes now, that your brother lies dead, O Thing?

GDC

The phrase 'delicious tush' made me asexual.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

She betrays him?

gellaho

Fuck you, a full page of kissing

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Snogathon.

Yay.

Please, Amber.......be poisoning this dumb asshole.

Velo

Are you okay? How's the psychic damage?

FancyShark

Bruce has a real earlobe-kissing fetish

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Women be seducing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ugh

gellaho

And, guess what?

All of that?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm surprised the digital buttplug remains unexplained

Brendo

This feels like bad UX.

gellaho

Pointless

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ticking all the femme fatale boxes

FancyShark

I assume this means she has a smaller, shriveled Amber growing out of her stomach that leads the resistance

gellaho

Sexy...?

FancyShark

"A dog yummy"

Brendo

It started off good! Then he didn't know when to leave.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

sudo undress -r

gellaho

Gunnar gets his own fuck suit

FancyShark

Forget sex, I might not eat again

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

That's not a conversation

I know all those words and yet they mean nothing

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Is she sending them a second fucksuit so she can get double teamed or so LeMat can fuck Jack?

gellaho

Computer, give me the worst description of a penis ever written

Brendo

"She was hot. No, but like really hot, I'm telling you, bro."

FancyShark

:TheUnfuckableHulk:

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

OR his avatar has a bald eagle penis

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Thats worse than when I described one as "The purple helmeted Buddha of the south."

gellaho

And here's Eliza again

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

We should not have let this 13 year old publish his smutty novel

gellaho

Women, amirite?

Vooster

At this point he's just too scared to write and actual sex scene

Brendo

You can't describe your own arms as muscular, it's weird.

Vooster

He lets his deus ex ex show up and stop any horny

Brendo

Or is this his macho avatar?

FancyShark

Avatar, but it's still weird

gellaho

This is the dorkiest thing

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

deus ex virginia

Vooster

You know the downside of all these ladies fighting over you is you don't get any

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh good Eliza is naked too

I was worried

gellaho

Then they decide to cut his balls in half? I guess?

FancyShark

And then it turns into a threeway

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Oh. oh no. naked women, do not fight over me

gellaho

I'm not really sure what's going on anymore

FancyShark

Because Bruce is a hack

Velo

I'm going back to staring at the sun

Brendo

This dude is doing Chandler's "Have a guy with a gun enter the room" but for jealous women cockblocking his self-insert.

gellaho

I mean, sorta

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Half a hotdog lengthwise is still a decent amount of hotdog, I guess.

FancyShark

Yeah, was not expected that option

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He just laid there to be cut in half, too

FancyShark

He's into it

gellaho

Jack seems irritated that his junk didn't get cut in half

FancyShark

And now, 1920's vaudeville of a drunk

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"When your dick gets sliced like a sub sandwich bun, you can fuck twice as much, right?"

gellaho

And, I guess LeMat and Inge decided to fuck while he was in VR

gellaho

This is turning into a plethora of fetishes, and I don't need that

Vooster

It's for the best. If Amber continued, she would have had sex on top and Jack would no longer be a man

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hell yeah, Inge stay winning. Big freckled titties are cool.

Brendo

Username checks all the way out.

gellaho

Jesus

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Why would you be mad that he accidentally kicked you out when the women were for some reason about to cut you in half

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Clown voice: "Ho ho boy! Cyber sex comedy!"

GDC

Lemat and inge figured out it's way easier to just fuck in real life.

gellaho

Getting foot stuff in there, great

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Good for them. They seem nice together.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Maybe they could do it anywhere else though

Brendo

Remember when he said Inge was unremarkable, and now she's a gunslinging, fuckin' & laughin' type of laidback ride-or-die?

Vooster

No no he was totally going to super sayian out of the bedroom and land in a pile of 30 hot babes

gellaho

And it turns out Inge is the Italian stereotype because why not?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

No right there is fine. Jack is like a dog, he doesnt count when it comes to watching.

FancyShark

AGAIN with the ear fetish

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

30? Well I guess that'll have to be enough for MAX KOOL

Brendo

Did the nipples bounce independent of the breasts? Are they anchored to the freckles? This is weird. You're weird. I hate this. It's 2:30 a.m. here.

gellaho

Please, no

Vooster

Right, he wrote her off for not being hot enough, which is the only trait he cares about

gellaho

And she's a fat Italian man online

And Gunnar wants to eat his feet

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He's doing a really good job of writing a book from the point of view of a lonely incel

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Small world

Vooster

She's really confused about the whole gender thing, much like Bambi and Thumper. So sad

gellaho

Jack gets mad that LeMat wants to clean the datadildo

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I can only picture Danny Devito as her avatar

Brendo

Our antagonist is rapidly morphing into our protagonist, and her date is playing with her titties as a display of superiority over the vanquished main character.

FancyShark

Is there an antagonist?

gellaho

Then the two use the fuck interface to fuck instead of just fucking, for some reason

Vooster

Who is going to stay out of the matrix and act as a spotter?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Everyone but MAX_KOOL

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Unironically would date a woman who pretended to be a heavyset Italian man online for shits and giggles.

Velo

Yeah his bitch of an ex

I can't believe you forgot that horrible wonderful disgusting smoking hot whore angel

Vooster

It was a test

gellaho

A floppy disk, could you even imagine?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

just watching his friends go at it

Vooster

The next plot will start any minute now

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

No refractory period, less cleanup, no need for prophylactics, tho theres an interesting idea. Being able to get pregante with a cyber baby?

Brendo

Maybe he likes Italian guys.

Brendo

Jack has been benched for being a passive dorkwad. This is Inge's tale now.

gellaho

And now, a John Wayne Bobbitt joke

Brendo

He ended the whole book with the villain reveal and the job done, and now 140 pages in, he's at the "You're probably wondering how I record scratched here" start.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Has there really not been more than that one high profile castration in the last 40 years?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This book is a ploy to actually make your head crash

Vooster

Well Amber, when you failed to out bluff Eliza, maybe change tactics you deranged freak

gellaho

You know? This guy

Brendo

How is cybabby form? How Don get pernurgenant?