Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I heard one time she did caviar facials and champagne enemas and have amusingly conflated the two to the point I now firmly believe she has like a small and very drunk tide pool ecosystem in her ass.
131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke
Tags:
Roadkill on the Information Superhighway!
Archive
gellaho
Did you know Bruce Bethke invented the term "cyberpunk?"
Brendo
They have a Twitter in their Metaverse!
Velo
I found the sun
Vooster
Please, they have an X in their Facebookverse
Velo
It's warm and it hurts my eyes but it feels better than this
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce. For a guy who is more like Jack Parsons than not, you spend a lot of time mocking guys like Jack Parsons.
gellaho
Don Mac decides to destroy Jack/Max
FancyShark
Hooray!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You can be a weird pervert AND a rocket scientist AND kind of a moron, is my point Bruce.
Brendo
But what does Captain Circumcision think about it?
gellaho
Although, again, this is all in VR so the stakes are low
Velo
Hey come on now.
Bruce hasn't done anything that interesting or consequential.
FancyShark
We'll ask him after he takes off his spirit gum chin scruff
Brendo
John Byrne's GOING ONLINE
gellaho
I don't care if he's in virtual hell
GDC
That rod in his ass doesn't seem to be helping much.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Thats fair, we should all aspire to get high in the desert and jack off in front of a future cult leader to summon a new girlfriend.
Vooster
Online dating has gotten out of control
FancyShark
This could potentially be exciting if he was in any sort of danger
Brendo
We all dream of Neo.
Velo
While founding a massively important jet engine lab
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And living in a Bohemian fuck mansion.
Brendo
If sympathetic chaos magic could summon a hypersexual redhead, I promise you I would be reporting to you live from the cradle of my beloved ginger antichrist baby
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
It's always great to see a creator who actively hates his own audience
gellaho
This is a stupid book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I think you need the right kind of future cult leader taking notes, it would explain why my attempts have failed so far.
ALso prairies are not deserts, even if they can be quite hot.
gellaho
Velo
Oh I forgot about the book for a few minutes there. Those were good times
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Cowboy Bret is the stage name of a guy Don Diebel wrote about giving drugs.
FancyShark
Pretty sure my dad could think up more hardcore usernames than these idiots
gellaho
Wakka wakka
Vooster
It's a perfectly normal girl name
Velo
You know what you have to do, CowboyShark.
gellaho
This makeover montage is inexplicably interrupted by -
FancyShark
I'll get the axe
Velo
Not what I meant but I like the energy, let's see where this goes
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
No sandwich? Not even a bottle of water? You need those preliminaries, Diana.
Vooster
Sure, hero just gets oral sex for no reason
gellaho
That does come out of fucking no where, don't worry about it
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
im sure its incredibly critical to the story as well.
gellaho
But don't worry, Eliza comes out of nowhere herself once again
FancyShark
Hell yes on the new title, @Vooster
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And Bruce didnt have to look up what oral sex is.
Vooster
You too, @FancyShark
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Ohhhh nooooo a hot lady and my ex are fighting over my coooooock, ohhhhhhhh what ever will I dooooooo?!"
FancyShark
Also, lol, I didn't quite get what you meant at first. But murdering Bruce felt right.
Vooster
#relatableproblems
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Woe is me, the protagonist, for I am the most desirable man on the internet."
Velo
You have good instincts. Never lose them.
GDC
Despite all evidence to the contrary.
gellaho
Eliza's been shown to have shape-shifting abilities, but the tits say it can't be her
Vooster
"I just can't go anywhere without hot women wrestling over me!"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Got that delicious plot dick.
Brendo
Eliza whom we JUST left and were supposed to meet later and elsewhere.
Whoops
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Cant be my bitch of an ex whife, this one has a nice rack."
gellaho
Things are happening
Brendo
This book is such a spiritual twin to Mediocre White Man Pedals His Bike Around the Multiverse.
Velo
And now our hero gets pegged
GDC
Also the word is hypoxia, not anoxia.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I hope she made him steal the fucksuit so she could step on his balls and choke him and ensure he felt it.
Brendo
Just an endless series of self-inserts with the personality of your video game avatar being 900 versions of Doomguy
gellaho
That happened much earlier
Velo
Stand by while Gellaho flips ahead eight pages to get past the pegging
Vooster
No, he's been pegged this whole time!
Brendo
This is a Popeye joke.
Vooster
This is one long pegging
FancyShark
Imagine winning an award, an award that was once given to William Gibson for Neuromancer, and it's for your self-insert porn
gellaho
I wonder if his buddy whose in the same physical room as him is enjoying Jack's panty boner
GDC
That's what it feels like to me
FancyShark
Dammit
Reset the counter, V
Vooster
This book doesn't deserve Vampires
GDC
This is the guy who collaborated with the guy who tried to hijack the Hugos for being too woke.
gellaho
Somebody doesn't know what an appendix is
Velo
This is the 87th worst thing Bruce has done in this book
Vooster
This is some Cronenburg sex, but without meaning or a point
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Constantly finding new ways to be wrong
gellaho
"Come on, man! I was getting a virtual beej, and I wanted you to see my climax in my VR panties!"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
That's incredible
Velo
"She kissed my bowels and then my thigh" Bruce wrote.
"Be more specific about the bowels!" His editor, who was also Bruce, shouted.
Vooster
Just say penis, you nerd
FancyShark
If she didn't bite it off, you misread some signals, Jack
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Her lips caressed the full length of my anterior cruciate ligament
GDC
Jack just ruined those data underpants.
FancyShark
"She grasped my No No Place"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
" 🎵 Boyyyy bend over and spread those cheeks, I wanna know the secrets your asshole keeps! 🎵 "
Vooster
I can't think of a dryer sentence
gellaho
And let's end this section on blueballs with a reference to Pinky and the Brain
FancyShark
Fuck you, Bruce
Velo
Fuck you, Bruce
Vooster
He thinks he's Brain
Brendo
"If you ejaculate in the Matrix..."
"The body cannot do No-No Fireworks without the mind, Neo."
gellaho
Doubtful
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce.
Vooster
Hell yeah
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Die.
FancyShark
It hasn't gone anywhere yet
Velo
I hope you hated every second of writing Wild Wild West: The Novel you joyless fuck
gellaho
I wish I could have virtually jerked off...
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Pinky was a reference to the classic 90s cartoon Pinky and the Brain. One of Halliday's favourite Saturday morning cartoons, I had watched every episode dozens of times looking for Gunting clues
Velo
And then I hope you found out you had to write Wild Wild West: The Junior Novel too and it fucking broke you. I hope Scholastic killed your soul.
FancyShark
I hope he agonized over how to capture Will Smith and Kevin Kline's charisma and wept
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
On your stomach because of your SORE FRESHLY UNVIRGINAL ASSHOLE AMIRITE BRUCE!?
gellaho
Pinky and the Brain debuted in 1995, so I'm mildly impressed he got that in here
Vooster
Motherfucker go back into the matrix, you know how
Brendo
This dude is like, "I was Agent Ironically Max Kool. Every woman wanted me and thought every other woman was a bitch, because I belonged to her. I datajacked into the cybersphere with accurate predictedions of FuturTek," before turning into TGIF sitcom dad, "Then I wozzle-wawwwed right in her hair with my spingle-spangle."
Velo
I hope Bruce never enjoyed the written word again
GDC
I know I won't.
gellaho
Enter password: my penis is small
Velo
Patton Oswalt once said that clean filth is infinitely more disturbing than normal filth, and I get it now
Brendo
To be fair, Brain also overestimates his own intelligence.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I don't think you understand women, Vooster. If "the moment" is ruined for any reason, even something out of your control like the internet going down or a comically wet dog shaking itself right next to you, she will never touch you again
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
https://stupefyingstories.com/
gellaho
The entendre becomes incomprehensible
Velo
Editing doesn't mean you enjoy or even tolerate the written word
FancyShark
The cans are edible?
Velo
Especially not Editor in Chief.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Or Gunnar has Bond villain teeth?
Vooster
I understand that's how real women work, I didn't realize fictional women were the same
gellaho
Brendo
Love when those growl sounds are audible.
gellaho
So wacky
FancyShark
"This one time, this band I was in went to Denny's and only tipped 5%"
Brendo
It's the rare case of the FRIGID BITCH | SCARY SEX KITTEN men's adventure polarity intersecting with the real-world DARLING I HAVE A HEADACHE | WAAAA MY PERIOD axis.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Okay fried squid is good but pitching it to an American audience is a tough sell.
gellaho
This is a page out of a novel
FancyShark
This would work better if he's already established the product earlier in the book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You could put Old Bay on it.
GDC
It's rare that playing a guitar makes you look like even more of a dweeb.
FancyShark
Bruce is clearly not a marketing person
gellaho
His one good quality
Velo
A shockingly long novel
gellaho
URL code?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Like some kind of novel
Velo
Some kind of what?
Velo
Bruce what the fuck
gellaho
Fuck off
Vooster
Wait, the heist was not about national secrets or weapon development? The heist is the equivalent of the KFC recipe?!
Velo
I hope LeMat and Bruce die
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Just glaring stone faced at my monitor right now.
Vooster
You can reverse engineer a fucking calamari recipe
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
So is this his former office?
Velo
Can you though
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also philosophers drink because its in the Good Things Cluster, you baboon.
GDC
I drink because I'm reading this book
gellaho
This is doubling up, but look at this shit
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its there with hanging out with your friends, playing HALO, and pussy worship.
gellaho
That's all in parentheses
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey bud? Are you.......suggesting you do this potentially complicated data heist in one go, with no plan?
FancyShark
Bruce, how did you make being a bigot not your worst quality?
Velo
It's always bad when you get out a highlighter to make sure we see how bad it is
gellaho
You ever heard of Star Trek?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
DIE IN A FIRE!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok but doesn't he have God hacking powers now? Can't he just walk through firewalls or whatever
FancyShark
Yeah. There are less than zero stakes.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Counterpoint, also hes an idiot.
A hornt up idiot.
gellaho
This is, once again, a page out of a novel
Brendo
He's predicting the multichannel infoline assault on our senses in a kinetic hypertext environment, and also breaking the entire internet for one food scientist's personal lawsuit.
Velo
I fucking miss the- NO
Vooster
Oh man I will be so excited when we learn the smokeshow Amber is, in fact, a Minnesota 7
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Whos somehow gotten fucked twice in payment for this very simple job.
Velo
I WAS JOKING
Brendo
Max is Crowdstrike
gellaho
Such rich female characters
FancyShark
First one to use "Lisping Liberal" in their username goes to hell
Which is this book on repeat
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Tempting
gellaho
Fucking nerd
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce.
Brendo
One she already developed herself.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
There wont be such a thing as a complete set of Judge Dredd comics for another 20 some odd years at LEAST.
gellaho
The chapter title pattern remains incomprehensible
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its an ongoing series. Also spread across like three publications.
Vooster
Buh! Wha?! She knows it already?!
GDC
Model railroad weirdos are so much more respectable than you, Bruce.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fake Judge Dredd Fan, Bruce Bethke.
Brendo
He wrote this when student loans were still manageable. I'm in awe of his predictive modeling while remaining mired in a character meant for Chevy Chase.
FancyShark
Bruce is definitely the type to not know it's satire
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Call me when you are talking about your original print 2000 AD progs, you poseur.
Brendo
Gentle reminder that the crime rate in Judge Dredd was lower per capita than real-world USA.
GDC
Bruce only got into Dredd because of the Stallone movie.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
She wants to prove the corp stole her shit so she can win the court case and retain control of her local fast food franchise. The stakes have literally never been higher
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce I bet you havent even read the part of the Cursed Earth story arc where Judge Dredd watches Ronald McDonald execute a McDonalds employee for spilling a shake.
gellaho
The only 2000 AD I know is Police Patrol
Brendo
A local radio station gave me Taco Bell and free tickes to that movie, and even then I thought it kind of sucked.
FancyShark
Where are you now, Rex Moran
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I bet Bruce has never heard of the Apeolito gang, a mafia family composed of sapient Italian-American chimps.
gellaho
And, I have no idea how to explain this next part. So here we go
Vooster
Her...franchise?! I'm pretty sure that when you become a franchisee the corp has control over any IP you create within your branches
Velo
Heisting the stars
Brendo
Someone should write the novel about how awful the period of rapid change between 1971 and all of its predicted sky-cities for 2000 would be.
gellaho
Gunnar/LeMat kills a bunch of pigeons
Velo
What
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Making dinner.
gellaho
Then declares that he's in love
FancyShark
Ah, he's a lunatic
Velo
Bruce.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Death, Jack. I'm in love with death."
Velo
I'm going to say it gently this time, Bruce. Shut the fuck up.
gellaho
He fell in love with the homely CPA while she was ironing her shoelaces
FancyShark
You know what? Good. She did nothing wrong.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Look, ive been there, smitten by a woman doing something ordinary. Sometimes the light hits a person just right and you see all their real beauty.
gellaho
Because she pulled a gun on him
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Keeper.
Yeah im tottally following you here, LeMat.
Vooster
Let's all laugh at LeMat and his attraction to competent women
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Only sane thing you've said so far.
gellaho
This goes on
Vooster
Haha, he prefers skills over looks
gellaho
And on
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce. You like these old ass guns, huh?
FancyShark
Wait, tan and khaki?
gellaho
They go to the gun range, at any rate
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Cool.
LeMat out there showing the youths of America how to get a date.
Brendo
Cyberpunk Dwight & Angela here
gellaho
Which leaves Jack plenty of time to shove the datadildo up his ass
FancyShark
Double wait, she looks like a plus-size model? You fucking asshole, you think anyone who isn't anorexic is grotesque?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Talk about mutual interests, go someplace interesting to the both of you. Dont call 911 because you're exercising your 2nd amendment right to carry arms.
GDC
Guy named after a gun knows about guns, who knew
Vooster
His friend got a girl and he's upset that she's not to his standards, even though she meets his friend's standards perfectly. Absolute dick move
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Hey Max Kook why are you still talking about how plain this woman is and not about how your friends reaction to love is to start murdering dozens of animals?
Velo
Gunnar knows about guns?
gellaho
His ex-girlfriend has the body of a 10 year old boy, you tell me
GDC
Choosing that body was a trauma response
Vooster
Only in Aryan Princess mode. And he says she looks bad in it, but also he's hot for her
Brendo
First time he described Ann Veal. Now she has bloodlust, which is characterization.
gellaho
Fuck.
Velo
That ugly beautiful whore
Brendo
So the regular A&F catalog, then.
gellaho
Fuck
Vooster
Wait, are you outside?! Where people can see you reading this?!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce. Stalin has been dead for a good what, 30 years by the time you wrote this?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Let it fuckin go.
Velo
Gellaho's always outside. It's one of the cursed secrets of the book cage.
gellaho
Ah, for my harem is only virtual
Velo
Usually the punishment for figuring that out would be death, but that would get you out of this so…
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
If Bruce was writing this today this guy would have an anime body pillow.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
There it is, the big admission
gellaho
Only through the hole in my fence I haven't fixed
gellaho
I'm not crazy
FancyShark
Hi, @PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard !
Vooster
Oh no! A modicum of self-awareness! How will the author strangle it?
Velo
And he'd say it was cool
gellaho
What
gellaho
Is that a play on take a tiger by its tail?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Excuse me? This is the SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION one that includes a fuckable multi-hole and absorbent poly fiber weave!"
gellaho
Because that absolutely doesn't work
Vooster
Also, the GALL to insist that LeMat is Inge's first love and she was desperate the whole time
Velo
Oh I hate those words you made
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its a VERY bad reference to a couple films and a Chinese aphorism, i think.
gellaho
Ah, so it's pretentious nonsense, got it
Jesus
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And this play.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taking_Tiger_Mountain_by_Strategy
So hes two or three kinds of fucking hack.