GDC
Data underwear shoots bits up your urethra
131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke
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Roadkill on the Information Superhighway!
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gellaho
If only there were some kind of universal serial bus
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Theres an awful lot of 'lectric coursing thru these dude sheaths, every time you nut it smells a little more like frying bacon.
Vooster
Data socks to keep feet warm and dry
Interface cards? Like computer punch cards??? Like in the 50s?!?!
gellaho
Oh, you think that's insufferably nerdy?
Velo
Oh god
gellaho
I am infuriated
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh imagine if there was a standard hole for a standardized plug and you could run ANYTHING thru that hole? That would be so cool, I wouldnt need this VGA cable for my monitor anymore.
Brendo
Punk safe out there, everyone.
FancyShark
He means like network cards, but this is much funnier
Velo
This is worse. By a lot.
Vooster
Oh honey, you have only seen the surface
Brendo
These Christmas gifts are essentially three parts of a VR system and two iterations of the "Lame socks and underwear xmas gift" joke.
Velo
You've been here minutes
Vooster
And it predates RP1 by a 20 years
Brendo
More sufferable?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This is Original Flavor Shit, RP1 is just Pepperidge Farm Old Fashioned Shit Cookies, because you remember the taste, right?
gellaho
Jack really likes how the datasocks feel
Velo
The parts of this book you keep from us must be horrifying
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I mean I also like to not wear shoes.
Velo
Bruce I will pay you to shut up
Vooster
The gloves also went over the knees?
FancyShark
Jack, the socks go on the feet
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok I'm caught up
Velo
We will start a patreon for you to never write a single word again Bruce
FancyShark
Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
gellaho
The databrasserie puts them both off the whole thing
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Boy this fuckin sucks don't it
Vooster
Please stop hurting yourself
Velo
You poor, poor man
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Remind me to show you his short story sci fi website that he runs.
Velo
Fuck you, no
Vooster
I'm not giving Bruce money but I will donate half a grave plot
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
This isn't the same guy who did tales from genesis space, is it?
gellaho
A two man job to install the databrasserie
Vooster
It's like taking it off but in reverse, half the population does it every day, it is not difficult
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This fucksuit is clearly not ready for market.
gellaho
Words
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"haha I've only taken these OFF before."
"Haha me too."
"...."
"..."
"I think there's little hooks or something."
Velo
Bruce was 40 when he wrote this, which is both too young and too old to be this stupid
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The average consumer does not want or need a copilot for VR fuckin. If you could find one, you could just have sex with them instead.
gellaho
And now: the datathong
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Booooooooo describe the hog.
Vooster
What if they had sex in real life and in VR at the same time! I bet that's the only way they could cum going forward
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Show us that big oily thing.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ohhh he's gonna have to play a sexy lady to steal the files! He must become that which he hates!
Velo
Oh god Tom might be right
gellaho
Ah, the 90s
Vooster
Why isn't it a data leotard? A data catsuit? data overalls??
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
He better dangle from a virtual rooftop from a wire spooled out of his penis.
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I would bet 100 dollars that's where this is going
Vooster
A MAN DRESSED AS A WOMAN??!! HOHO! THE HEIGHT OF COMEDY!!!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Well, we know what LeMats idea of a real knee slapper is.
I hope his brain is crashing due to Black ICE attacks.
Velo
Imagine! A man!
gellaho
It only takes a 59 step process, but you too can use VR at home!
Velo
fuck you bruce
FancyShark
The entire setup process would be worth it if it immediately killed them when switched on
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Still easier than seeting up an Oculus.
GDC
This place is going to smell like charred nerd in a minute
gellaho
I bet you can't guess where this is going
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like a cumrag got set on fire in a pizza box.
Also SNID?
Again missing the opportunities here, Bruce.
You gotta get a funny acronym and work backwards for this Bruce.
Vooster
Turns out this isn't a VR set up, some random lady's amazon delivery got sent to the wrong address
gellaho
Really tickling the funny bone with these extended bits
FancyShark
They finally read the instructions and find out every component was supposed to go up the ass
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Youll never have an acronym like the Maoist Internationalist Liberation Front at this rate, Bruce.
Vooster
The author sure likes putting his main character, his Max Koolguy, into some interesting scenarios
gellaho
This seems like an unnecessary device for stealing documents
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Weird
Vooster
He's getting PUNK'D by Amber
gellaho
But, up the ass it goes
Velo
I wish this book ended right here
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Funnee book
Velo
"I don't want to talk about it" and then fifty blank pages
gellaho
Call me by my l33t h4xx0r tag, bro
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Up the Looking Ass, goddamit Bruce, do I have to write your whole goddam novel?!
Vooster
He should try to relax and enjoy the situation
FancyShark
Fuck you, Bruce
FancyShark
He is not being ironic
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"there is no Dana, only zuul" I said, referencing the classic 80s film Ghostbusters. I'd once spent a whole weekend watching that movie 89 times in a row
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Look, Max, you should have used lube. If you didnt, thats on you, its not like you wouldnt have a way to know. You have the goddam internet.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
That's for anyone who's curious about the Ready Player One experience
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So stop bitching about your full ass.
Vooster
He did, it's called "conductance gel"
Velo
Collaged
gellaho
They tesy the experimental fuck suit out for a while
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah sausage do you even cyberpunk? No one calls it lube
Vooster
By fucking?
FancyShark
They're going to get a knock at the door and find out they got the wrong shipment. The actual "suit" is a watch that covers the body in an energy field
gellaho
This leads to another hilarious extended bit
Vooster
Scooped book-nerds
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuck oooooooooooooooooooofffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
That Superman shit was outdated WHEN YOU WROTE THIS Bruce.
Fuckin hack work.
GDC
This just keeps going, doesn't it?
FancyShark
Bruce: A Summary
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Theres every chance he did, this guy is like one of William Gibsons peers.
Velo
Listen, Dick, you could fill the entire rest of your book with super man comics and no one would ever know
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Award winning author everyone.
Won that award FOR THIS VERY BOOK.
Vooster
We're maybe 60% through this book
GDC
Don't insult William Gibson like that.
Velo
He won a single award
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah that spiel was in the like 1940s cartoon where he fought Japanese spies who were drawn with actual rat teeth
GDC
Insult William Gibson for those episodes of the X files he wrote.
Velo
He came up with a word that other authors used. That's it. That's his credit.
FancyShark
This was the only book he wrote that wasn't based on an existing property.
gellaho
Still going
FancyShark
WE GET IT, BRUCE
Vooster
Wow he can fly! I also can fly! In videogames!
Velo
Bruce had nothing to do with Bruce's success, which might explain why Bruce was not and is not successful
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
AND WON AN AWARD.
Which makes me kind of angry?
gellaho
The price of power is terrible graphics
Velo
Oh Sausage. Awards are meaningless
FancyShark
Ah, he's playing Superman 64
GDC
Now he has to drive a Cybertruck
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Still. A human being who is Not Bruce Bethke read this and was like "Yess, this represents the standards of excellence to which Philip K Dick would have."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I owned that game because my life is haunted by tragedy
gellaho
You ever heard of Picasso?
Brendo
I'm so butch my fat, manly fingers aren't nimble or educated enough how to do this, please be understanding.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Actually, lets assume we all havent, Bruce, tell us about Pablo Picasso.
Velo
Can we read Bruce Bethke's Wild Wild West next?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Whats Guernica about, Bruce.
GDC
Modern art jokes! I hope he has some material on airplane food too.
Vooster
No
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Im dying to know, and your plot is bullshit you stole from Neuromancer.
FancyShark
Bruce, mocking someone objectively more talented than you only works if you're funny
gellaho
Uh, oh, Bruce is going meta
Brendo
This is basically a porno plot. "Reader, I was a charming rogue, a real ladies' gentleman thief. Until I discovered...THE WOMAN WITHIN. Don't get me wrong, I didn't ENJOY taking it up the ass. But that cool million made my aches go away. Anyway, I wear L'Eggs now."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah, that should add a page to the length
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Dude you already have a pink cybercock in your ass, you might as well get cultured in the process.
FancyShark
This implies he's been saying all this sideline shit in the middle of whatever scene he drops the text in
gellaho
The infonuggets continue, despite all pleas to the contrary
Vooster
Studies have shown people learn best with a buttplug inserted
FancyShark
So he sounds like someone having an argument with themselves on a bus
Brendo
It's a million bucks for the equivalent of a prostate cancer exam, leave your masculinity at the door, HetLife.
GDC
This kind of edginess reminds me of 90s Image comics.
gellaho
So he can see from multiple perspectives now, which seems like more of a hindrance than anything
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
The infonugget is now complaining about a lack of info in a fictional database?
Brendo
See, but he's in women's underwear and being penetrated, so then Bruce gets the "Looking Lass" pun in there too
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
If you use a 1911 in 2005 you are a fuckhead who cant let go of the past.
Good gun in its time but there are better modern .45's
Brendo
But he only has that data from the internet once it's rectally inserted. I blame President Gore.
gellaho
He then opens a gorilla
gellaho
FancyShark
:CyborGape:
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
He moves like they do
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also a little :FuckApe:
Brendo
When you do a reverse Matrix, you get Superman at the start.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Put your hand inside the gorilla"
gellaho
Turbo nerd
Velo
Oh FUCK YOU BRUCE
You boring talentless hack
FancyShark
sudo userdel Bruce
gellaho
The Wachowskis stole from Bruce Bethke confirmed
Velo
He's not even bad in an interesting way, Bruce just sucks
Vooster
I set my rights level to 1000 and got the same effect in 20 seconds
No assplay needed
FancyShark
Can't help noticing we still haven't found plot
gellaho
Shut the fuck up, nerd
Velo
Fuck you you boring piece of shit
Brendo
I think You're the Worst did an entire bit making fun of '90s hacker movies with this exact sequence.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I want Bruce to die.
Brendo
AND The Invisibles.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Because I dont know anything about UNIX, but I also know Bruce doesnt know anything about UNIX.
GDC
I want the part of my brain experiencing this to die
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I swear I thought Amber was gonna tell him the mission is to use the fuck suit to seduce some office drone and steal the files
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
But they're just talking about being Neo
gellaho
Let's get a Son of Sam joke in there, why? Because fuck you, that's why
Velo
No here's the secret bad part. He does. He does and he thinks it's interesting, and that's his greatest crime.
Computer Science is vital but if someone says it's interesting they're delusional and broken in a way that cannot be fixed.
Vooster
In case you didnt get it: people who are sometimes normal to ugly in real life choose hot avatars
I know this is confusing and strange, but try to understand
gellaho
This guy? No way!
FancyShark
Bruce is a man who has never had a conversation with someone outside of the IT department
Brendo
Man's falling down a Wiki hole in the middle of his own heist.
FancyShark
And he's in Minnesota, so his coworkers are all too nice to tell him to fuck off
gellaho
Don Mac also has the power of UNIX
Brendo
This is the future the Zuckerbergs WANT
FancyShark
That said, he's in Minnesota. @Vooster , I have an idea for our next vacation.
Velo
There's a thing that happens if you work in IT, especially if you work in IT in a position where you explain things like Bruce here. You're the smartest person in the room, because it's your job to be. Everyone relies on you to be smart and possibly clever. But the really very dumb people that have these roles end up thinking they are actually the smartest and cleverest people, not just in their field but in any field.
gellaho
Hahahaha
gellaho
The Wachowskis definitely read this
Vooster
I'll get the gun
Brendo
*needed
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
FUUUUUUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Vooster
Yeah, doctors, lawyers, and academics fall into that trap too
gellaho
Velo
Bruce fell into a deeper trap than usual because it was his job to write things, and people read them because it was their job to read those things. So he thinks he's smart, clever, and a good writer. And there's no fixing that.
Brendo
This is The Matrix from Cypher's perspective.
Velo
Hopefully Wild Wild West The Novel was a humbling experience
FancyShark
You CAN'T TASTE FOOD. STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE IN THE FUCKING MATRIX.
gellaho
Back to the sisters
Velo
And if not, hopefully Wild Wild Wild West The Junior Novelization got the point across
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
He didnt stop there, he kept going. So I'd say no, it was not.
Brendo
It's wild stuff for '90s folks that someone would pretend to be a different gender online. Like the best you could hope for is your parents don't change the channel during the X-Files episodes with The Lone Gunmen.
Bruce was BREAKING your MIND
Brendo
Back to the Merovingian
Velo
That's the last thing in his bibliography though. Everything else is just reprints that his short stories got bundled into
gellaho
Anyway, Eliza randomly shows up
Vooster
Everytime I play a Mario game and I have to play as Mario, I am genderbending so hard you guys
Brendo
What's an Eliza and why is it both Neo and the Banshee twins?
FancyShark
Again, Eliza is the Neo of this and she is far more interesting than the hero
FancyShark
Ex-girlfriend of the hero, cosplaying as an anime child
gellaho
Eliza with the mouth of a 14 year old Xbox live player
Brendo
See? This is why it was illegal for girls to play video games prior to METROID.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Metroid was entrapment
Vooster
Boys aren't allowed to play Metroid for this reason
Brendo
Speaking of assuming a gender, I do enjoy when a writer is completely incapable of writing the opposite sex.
He's just writing his ex-girlfriend, not what she said, but what he heard.
gellaho
Hey
Vooster
Eliza boobed boobily into the room and called all other women bitches
gellaho
He can't write men either
Brendo
It's like how Christian Grey is such a laughable wannabe tough-guy.
gellaho
Really, he can't write
This goes on
Brendo
He can write how awful men are, he's just unaware and thinks they're the Bill Murray here.
Velo
Few authors have earned our scorn as much as Bruce
Brendo
Smarmy main character regardless of main characterdom was the '80s gift it took us a long time to shake.
Brendo
So their sex life was painful? Or just whenever he grabbed her arm?
gellaho
I had a nerdy college philosophy professor who made us watch Groundhog Day, The Matrix, and Blade Runner
I found them all insufferably boring
Vooster
Platonic touch doesn't exist in this world
FancyShark
aw
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
At least the Matrix has a gunfight and paid for Carrie Ann Moss to put fish eggs and champane in her ass.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah that was exceptionally weird
gellaho
Max/Jack falls for the oldest trick in the book
GDC
Bruce has never made physical contact with a woman that hasn't recoiled with disgust.
Velo
Or a man. Or any form of beast.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce got a lot of fake numbers and addresses that led to laundrymats in other states.
FancyShark
Bruce is the customer Don Diebel wishes he had
Velo
Bruce tries to suck his own dick three times a week, and has since 1992.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
So she has been screaming that she hates him for hours and this works?
gellaho
Uh, what
Vooster
"My bitch ex sucks I hate her and shes ugly and oh she's smiling at me fuck I love her so much please come back"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Max Kool has the guile of a Skyrim merchant with a bucket on its head
gellaho
I'm sure Steve would be proud of this memorial
Vooster
Get it? Her powers are ice because she's a frigid bitch!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I honestly didn't get it
Vooster
Even though he dumped her, apparently, because she liked him too much
Velo
Hah!
gellaho
The ranting room
Velo
Oh Bruce you absolute card. Shut the fuck up.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh yeah the vegentologists. Forgot about them
gellaho
So, Bruce fucked up the formatting here and accidentally put one of his asides before the actual text referencing scat
Velo
Don't drag Australia into this, Bruce, they've done nothing to deserve that
FancyShark
Victimized by-
gellaho
Which is just repeating that "joke"
Vooster
I don't TRUST you Bruce, not as a man, not as an author
FancyShark
Bruce, that's an elective procedure
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Eh I'm glad we managed to take a shot at those veggie cultists
gellaho
Ah, comedy. Anybody remember what that was like?
Velo
No
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The fucking devil.
Brendo
I'm sorry what
gellaho
Fuck.
FancyShark
He read Terry Pratchett and thought "I can do that, but better!"
Velo
I don't remember what the sun feels like. How long have we been here?
Vooster
Oh hell yeah, Ciderpunks!
Velo
Fuck you
Vooster
I just finished my strawberry apple cider and now I'm sad