Vooster
No, it was right about when his boss catches him shooting virtual her. That's when I left
131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke
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Roadkill on the Information Superhighway!
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Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Sometimes its taking turns playing League of Legends and sharing a Whiteclaw.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh yeah then she's been out since then
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Sometimes its you go make a sandwich and cosy up your peepin' closet while your partner and the person they brought home from the bar get acquainted.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Sometimes sex is impersonating a guy whose wallet you found in the bar and you go to a business meeting with some prospective partners
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Sometimes dressed as Superman.
Velo
See? I've been paying attention
gellaho
And that's halfway
Velo
Dear fucking god
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
hahahahha we survived.
FancyShark
We halfway did it!
Velo
Did we?
Velo
Did we?
FancyShark
YES
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
lol halfway through the book, and the plot threatened to happen once
gellaho
I will give you the other about the author in here
gellaho
For some reason there are two
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
And the hero said "that's scary and I don't know how"
Vooster
Well then
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
@gellaho Thank you for releasing us
GDC
I don't think that's how the word accreditation works.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I found out on his wikipedia he still runs a short story website.
Velo
Thank you @gellaho
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
Thank you for the pain, @gellaho !
Great riffing, everyone!
Velo
I feel dazed
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"This book is contributing to illiteracy"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
6 out of 2 are innumerate.
FancyShark
Bold to include this at the end of such a strong case for illiteracy
GDC
This book drove people to destroy the speech center of their brains.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
1 in every 3 office managers will fire a perfectly nice guy for no damn reason whatsoever
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Well now that that shit is over for this week im going to rot my brain with a book about barbarians and thews and titties.
GDC
You modify one WAD to brutally murder your coworker...
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
It has a sorceress, who has a snake theme. Guess what her name is? You dont have to because its fucking Cobra.
GDC
That is what is best in life.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Somehow the author got Frank Frazetta to do cover art and hes credited as having collaborated.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I was gonna guess Viper
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
See the thing is, cobra is the snake with the biggest hat, therefore cobra = snake royalty.
gellaho
You also missed the dog humping maze book-nerds
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Snakerella, Boob of Queens
FancyShark
...
Vooster
I saw that
FancyShark
I'm going to go cry now
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
No coloring book so far.
Vooster
I tried to catch up, got there, and was like "nah"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Or connect the dots activity.
Bruce fucking sucks so much.
Like this is his fucking magnum opus, apparently, because he got an award for it.
I'm glad I dont write anymore, because if I was a professional writer and read this, I would die of frustration.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I guess we really don;t want to read the other nominees that year
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
FancyShark
Fuck. He really did coin it.
👽⭐Be Careful! Mo's Elephant!
Dog Sex Maze 2077
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Some very ungood titles in the nominees there
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I now kind of question the prestigiousness of the Philip K Dick awards.
None of these people seem like theyve melted their brain with drugs even a little.
Velo
He did come up with a word yes
Rest assured
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Based on his whole "kyberpunk" thing, I think he got there by adding words to punk.
FancyShark
Neuromancer won, but that might have been a stopped clock situation
Velo
It's stupid and embracing
Velo
"The kids who trashed my computer; their kids were going to be Holy Terrors, combining the ethical vacuity of teenagers with a technical fluency we adults could only guess at. Further, the parents and other adult authority figures of the early 21st Century were going to be terribly ill-equipped to deal with the first generation of teenagers who grew up truly "speaking computer"."
FancyShark
ugh
Velo
Shut the fuck up Bruce
He made a list with two columns, one for technology and one for troublemakers, then filled those columns with words, then combined all the words until he found a combination that worked.
This man brute forced creativity
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And guess what BRUCE!? You were fucking wrong.
Not entirely, but enough to say "You were way off, bud."
👽⭐Be Careful! Mo's Elephant!
Technorascal 2077
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 131.5
Headcrash
Huge dweebus Jack Burroughs has been fired. He and his "cool" alter ego "MAX_KOOL" are planning to steal virtual documents with a secret, experimental fuck rig because a sexy lady promised him $1 million, in spite of him never doing anything. That, and like 500,000 other stupid things have happened so far. How far down goes the painful nerdery go? How many more times will the structure of the book become illegible? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Just thinking about it gives me hives, i cant wait.
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
I've been catching up on the posts for Headcrash, and boy does every choice in this book explain why cyberpunk as a genre has never fully clicked for me
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's the painful part 2 of Headcrash. Here is where we left off
gellaho
Here is where we're heading
Velo
Fuck you
Sorry, reflex
wooo book cage
FancyShark
lol
Velo
I hope Max shuts up
or gets killed
FancyShark
Max will never shut up.
Not until we make him.
🪓
Velo
BOOK
FancyShark
CAGE
Velo
Hi @FancyShark !
FancyShark
Hi, @Velo !
Time for hurt!
Velo
Time for kool!
Vooster
I've got one cider left 😔
And a bottle of rose I'm saving for next weekend
FancyShark
Hi, @Vooster !
gellaho
Pain incoming
GDC
The liquor stores in my province are on strike.
FancyShark
Hi, @gellaho !
Vooster
I just saw you!
FancyShark
Hi, @GDC !
FancyShark
You still get greetings to events! This rule is ironclad!
Vooster
Stop perceiving me!
gellaho
This bit definitely needs to be this long
Velo
Oh god I wasn't ready
FancyShark
I'm confused. Is the Don fat?
Velo
It's impossible to tell so far, I hope the author clarifies soon
Vooster
It's funny because fat man should be covered in grease and stains but actually is clean
gellaho
I'll only be able to check in a little bit tonight. Somebody tell me how it ends
Oh, right. This is my thing
Velo
It ends disappointingly
Just like it began
gellaho
GODDAMNED POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Vooster
The story so far: Man goes to work, is a dick to everyone, gets fired, and about halfway into the runtime, he starts getting involved in a plot. The plot: steal some secrets via hacking and get rewarded with money and maybe girl?
GDC
I support the EHEA if it outlaws naming your italian characters after pasta dishes
gellaho
Silicione Sisters
gellaho
Velo
"Eyyyyyy whatsa matta witha youa?" There I said it for him
It's funny because women
Hah
Women
gellaho
And Bambi was a thing
Remember?
Hilarious
Velo
Hah! I do remember!
FancyShark
Thanks, Bruce. Associating sexually cartoonish women with Disney didn't need your help in the 90s, but at least you contributed.
gellaho
Anyway, I think this guy might be fat and Italian
Velo
WHAT
FancyShark
Since when?!
Vooster
Bambi and Thumper are boy talking animals, tho
FancyShark
Bruce...isn't good at this
Velo
Do you remember
And I'm sorry if you don't
That part where Bruce said half the women in virtual reality were actually men irl?
FancyShark
Don't remember that but not surprised
Velo
I think this was Bruce's attempt at making a joke
gellaho
I can't imagine he'd ever say anything like that
Vooster
Is it?
gellaho
Oh, what's this
gellaho
Vooster
Oh right, his real worl belief is that all women on the internet are men
Velo
Yep
Great foreshadowing Bruce
I hate that I could see that coming
FancyShark
I'm now picturing her sounding like a Dalek and will not be swayed on this
gellaho
Vital to the plot
Vooster
Confused? Bruce there are no rules on the internet saying your avatar has to be the same gender as you. Or age or species. You should probably stick to the same race, though, for obvious reasons
gellaho
Nah, see that was the guy in the wheelchair
GDC
Haha, foreign food, am I right?
Velo
Hah! Italians.
Imagine
Vooster
Ah yes, the rare and exotic "Italian food"
Served exclusively in Gardens of Olives
GDC
I have a theory that Bruce tried to do stand up at some open mic nights and bombed spectacularly. A lot of these lines seem like they should be delivered in front of a brick wall.
FancyShark
That's perfect, because I'm picturing him in front of a firing squad
gellaho
Anyway, the Don agrees to launder their money for 10%. Why are they doing that now before they've even started on the job? Great question
Velo
That would explain so much about this book and him
Velo
This takes five to ten pages
gellaho
P-pad
Vooster
Gay
Sorry, I slipped into a 90s induced coma for a second
It's just two boys having fun on a Harley Ultraglide
gellaho
Max laments not telling the dwarf about the virtual prostitute's manacles
FancyShark
ToxicTown is the next poison level from FromSoft
gellaho
Don't lie to me
Vooster
So glad he used his last on on a "Hnnnnnngggggh, what if girl is into BDSM?!" sweat post
GDC
ToxicTown is the Troma world in the next Kingdom Hearts
gellaho
Looks like the dwarf and Bruno know each other. Then, this happens
gellaho
This is a great time to change formats again
FancyShark
Don't try to add horror to your little fantasy, Bruce
Velo
The rest of this book will be in verse
gellaho
Bruce Bethke busts out of first person
GDC
Bruce is even more insufferable without serifs
Velo
Is Bruce dead
I have to check before i make this joke
FancyShark
Of all the books we've read here, this one is the clearest evidence of no editor
gellaho
Listen, don't question my narrative. My ideas are cool, OK?
Velo
Bruce is not dead
FancyShark
hahahahaha
You insecure hack
Bruce, you deserve every bullying about this
How the hell did this win a major scifi award
Velo
Low bar
gellaho
Max gets virtually fired upon. How this is at all a threat is left to the reader to decide
Velo
This book would inspire me to drop out of computer science
This entire book is "that's what you sound like, you dumb asshole."
FancyShark
I guarantee he's picturing the Akira sliding stop there
Velo
Imagine if there were stakes!
Vooster
If you die online you die in the real world!
gellaho
The Eyes of Kid Midas was apparently going to be turned into a major motion picture. People love making bad decisions
FancyShark
There's something comforting about knowing bad ideas have always existed
Vooster
Where do you think religion came from?
gellaho
Turns out it's his virtual ex-girlfriend or something
gellaho
Not entirely sure who because Bruce was incredibly vague
FancyShark
Shoot him!
Vooster
It fractaled into existence, Bruce? Do you know what a fractal is?
FancyShark
Should we take bets on whether she's evil and tries to kill or betray him or if she's good and that means they get back together?
gellaho
This next part makes me think not an ex
FancyShark
That's not Aryan, but then again, fuck those guys
GDC
I feel like a psychlogist would be very interested to hear how he describes his ex
Vooster
She's some tomboy? But distressingly white?
I'm guessing he likes curvier, darker women, based on his exchages with his black coworker
Also, lady. go back to the invincible battle mech
gellaho
If you can turn invisible, I have a lot of questions as to why you can't get through a door
FancyShark
If she's your ex, why would she care if you hooked up with a prostitute? Unless it's because she hates being reminded you exist
gellaho
Definitely ex
gellaho
Vooster
I love following my exes around and getting mad at them for being where I am
FancyShark
"As you know..."
gellaho
Women, amirite?
FancyShark
Only women get jealous. Noted.
gellaho
She must be wailing on that keyboard to make this happen
FancyShark
Kill him
Vooster
Fun fact: Sometimes your ex actually does care enough to warn you when you get involved with someone they know is unstable. You should listen to them maybe
Velo
Bruce forgot the word for "ash"
gellaho
This all might mean something if any of it was real
Vooster
So did these people sext a few times and call it a relationship? Had a spicy AIM dialogue?
FancyShark
Max, you are the first person to reclaim their virginity simply by being yourself
And Bruce, every line you write reduces the amount of sex in the world
gellaho
This Eliza person seems to have full control of the virtual world, but keeps cybering with the wrong people
GDC
A book about Eliza would have been much better.
gellaho
Maybe stop having VR sex with randos if you're going to take it this badly
Maybe porn is the way to go. Just a thought
Vooster
A shapeshifting pansexual woman? Sure. As long as she stops using "Aryan Princess" mode
gellaho
Seems unnecessarily elaborate
Velo
The comma makes it dumb
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You would need such a lot of bullet hole textures to make sure you could finish that.
gellaho
DAMNABLE FAX MACHINE
FancyShark
Hi, @Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky !
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce at least knows the fax is most damned tech item.
FancyShark
I'm still not clear on why there are restaurants in cyberspace
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
For the same reason there are inns in MMOs.
Vooster
So you can have a byte!
Ahahaha, yesssss
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
If theres anything nerds love its playing pretend in a digital bar.
Brendo
Alright, it's a beautiful friday night in Copenhagen but the entire nightlife scene is half my age and smokes, so let's book it.
What'd I miss?
FancyShark
HELLO, @Brendo !
Vooster
Not much!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Suffering.
I think i hate this book more than anything else in the Cage.
GDC
This is a bad book by a bad man
Vooster
The story is about a digital heist, we haven't gotten to the heist yet, and the plot started in chapter 8
FancyShark
It's written by the guy who coined the term "cyberpunk". And he thinks he's funny.
Brendo
All Book Cage heists are Rex Moran until confirmed not.
FancyShark
Rex Moran would destroy this man
gellaho
They've rented an old office building for their virtual heist. Very exciting
Dovecote
GDC
This guy is trying to be Douglas Adams and Neal Stephenson at the same time and being very bad at it.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The only good thing: the experimental fuck suit they need for the heist.
Dovecote is good, if the internet goes down then you can at least still do text messages.
GDC
I'm sure the doves will apppreciate it when it gets cold
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also dove is fairly tasty.
Vooster
Oh and there's the whole edgy "I make fun of everyone and everything" going on that just ends up being all the -ists and -phobics
Velo
This book is so long
gellaho
Bruce Bethke continues his run of wonderful female characters
GDC
This guy is like the worst act on Evening at the Improv
Velo
Grant Ryal's had time traveled two or three times by now
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey Bruce. Fuck you, Minnesota ladies know how to party.
gellaho
Wakka wakka
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
lol
Brendo
Fuck these people for living in Timeline A.
We should invade their universe and seize its riches for our own, as is typical of the Mirror Universe denizens.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Breaking into someones car to leave a note about how shit their car is is pretty funny, you got me there, BRuce.
Brendo
Woah, sorry you're so sensitive. I use these caricatures in my French humor digital magazine to show how WRONG this kind of anti-semitic Muslim cartooning is.
gellaho
Jack out here trying to start the 2-Bru Krew early
Brendo
Sweet, a Dane with a pulse. Lizard Man should hump that.
Brendo
Highly underrated state.
And I've never been! It just always delivers.
How are you going to hate a town where half the bars have roof hot tubs?
Vooster
At least Minnesota has branches of my bank, unlike Wisconsin
Brendo
Let alone a whole state that votes right.
gellaho
Did you know that Bruce Bethke invented the term "cyberpunk?" Well, both of his author bios in this book say that
Unrelated
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Eat. My. Entire. Ass. Bruce.
With a fork and knife.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Im gonna get a RSI from all the jack off motions Bruce has earned.
gellaho
It continues
Vooster
Don't eat my ass Bruce, I don't want you touching me
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce needs a jack off version of that guy that stood behind Roman commanders on triumph whispering "You too will die."
gellaho
Webster's dictionary defines piercings as
gellaho
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also the idea that drugs cant make you smarter or sexier is fucking dumb, Bruce.
Brendo
I feel like there has always been a Computech in my life. In the '90s it was a repair store and/or AOL competitor.
Velo
Bruce is a cop, right?
Only cops write like this
Vooster
This is the squarest cyberpunk author in existence
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Duh Bruce, this is why you cut the nipples OUT of the chainmail shirt.
To show off your nipple piercings.
Brendo
Well he got the syncretic capitalism part down right. And the "punk turned into a uniform" bit.
gellaho
To be fair, this is an excerpt from a book called "Dress for Conformity"
So he's doing that part on purpose
Brendo
Maybe you're just doing the wrong kind of snozzberries.
gellaho
Doesn't excuse the page and a half where he defined piercings
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I will contend that you just need more of the right drugs to unlock your full potential as a fuck psychic.
gellaho
Jack ignores his fax machine for the third time for no reason
gellaho
Can't wait for that to pay off
FancyShark
I started writing a comedy that had this same approach to worldbuilding, where there's more "humorous asides" than actual plot. Except I was smart enough to destroy any trace of it.
So where's my award, Bruce?
gellaho
They get their experimental VR fuck rig
Vooster
Benadryll?
gellaho
VR seems exhausting
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Those electrodes? Not for your scalp. Not all of them.
Velo
Oh my god shut up nerd
FancyShark
The data underwear delivers painful electric shocks when exposed to moisture
Hi, @disputed champion rooster !
FancyShark
It's not supposed to