135: The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Haha he just jumped through the window for no goddamn reason

FancyShark

I bet he drove through

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

This is literally one of the first things anyone has said, and its "You asshole!"

LyraV

Maybe throwing it some more puppies?

gellaho

She looks right at the lil' werewolf's dick

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Oh he loves the animals

What a twist

FancyShark

ah

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Oh you fucking assholes, Judith and Garfield.

FancyShark

Thanks for ruining the bit, Jud and Garf

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

awwwww he's hugging them all at once

gellaho

Aw, he's playing with the animals

Tom, Wizard Columbo

The mental image of a werewolf hugging 50 puppies and kittens is kinda funny at least

gellaho

Fuck it, blammo!

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Well this is a masterclass in how not to do a thing in your gritty urban fantasy novel.

FancyShark

hahahaha

Dropping animals like groceries

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hahahahha Melody, why do you work with this fuckin dick again?

He seems like a fuckin dumbass.

gellaho

Sword examines the child werewolf's muscular

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

gellaho

And presumably, peen. Because everyone's doing that

FancyShark

This is threatening to be the awesome kind of stupid

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I love this so much.

gellaho

They have a great working relationship

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Again, you work with this guy why?

LyraV

The fact they didn't say 'Good Lord, Sword' is an embarrassment

gellaho

What's she, like 4'2"?

gellaho

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Shoot him in the dick and go home, Melody.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

We're all Team Martin, right?

LyraV

Its pronounced 'Janet'

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Not if he ate any puppies

gellaho

Galen Sword tries being a badass, but fails considering what the authors have said

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuppppp you fuckin dweeb.

You drive a goddam Porsche.

FancyShark

If the entire book, no the entire SERIES, is this guy trying to be a badass while the authors take the piss out of him, I will take back everything mean I said

LyraV

Galen Sword 🤣

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

You are the star of Urban Mountain Monsters but the monster just breaks into pet shops to play with the puppies.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Hahaha

LyraV

Pfff the kind of dude who'd read you poetry in public

gellaho

I feel there must be better ways to turn a page

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Millionaire playboy Galen Sword, thank you

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah some classic 1990s Guy Who Is Really Smart But Disabled.

FancyShark

Heir to another world's throne

LyraV

He sure loved sucking that paper.

gellaho

Science

FancyShark

haha

Sure, guy

gellaho

If you can move your hand, there are definitely better ways to turn a page

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

We HAD computers in 1990. He doesnt need all this.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I bet this guy is a Stephen Hawking analog

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Oh 100% for sure A Hawking.

gellaho

He considers using the suicide procedure he had built into his chair

gellaho

Yes, it has treads

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah, tank chair.

Suck it, Professor X.

FancyShark

His suicide procedure is Fall Off Balcony

That feels dicey

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I personally would construct a brain bomb, but thats because I am very smart.

gellaho

Ah, he can cry but can't move his body. The anti-Steele

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Fuckin lol. "Give me rail-busting strength on this wheelchair please. Specifically enough strength to bust through the rails on the third floor walkway right next to my office."

gellaho

Just need to find out if he has his human penis or not

FancyShark

He refused to give in, but not enough to deny himself the option

gellaho

He gets a sexual thrill from scratching his nose elaborately

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

It has a chair of its own

Velo Might Be A Ghost

It takes true strength and resilience to tie the noose and not use it

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Meanwhile Galen is too cheap and changes the Loft to The Ground Floor

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"Sword, have you tested the tensile strength on those railings yet? I really need precise readings on how strong my wheelchair needs to be to kill me."

gellaho

And a sexual thrill from imagining violent murder

Velo Might Be A Ghost

And even more strength to just kind of leave the noise there in case you want it later

gellaho

I don't know how I'm ever going to get through this book

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

And just imagine, theres MORE of this.

FancyShark

Forsyte, there is no level of violent thoughts that is going to phase a 1990 psychiatrist

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"I really, really, want to fuck those furries"

gellaho

Watch out, Galen. Murder Hawking is planning revenge

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Well thats why Galen didnt spring for the handjob attachment to your chair, bud.

FancyShark

Employing the man who wants you dead is almost as stupid as saying you're in hell while living the life of a playboy millionaire

I assume he's a millionaire

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"doctor, I sonetimes have violent thoughts about the people who crippled me."

"You're insane. Officers, arrest him."

"You fool, my wheelchair can bust through anything your police can put in front of me! I will have my revenge!"

gellaho

Werewolf, werewolf, werewolf

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Oh it would be soooo fuckin funny if he werent and just blew his enlistment bonus from the Army on financing a Porsche at like 20% interest.

gellaho

Strap in the child

gellaho

That seems uncomfortable

FancyShark

hahahahahaha

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Galen Sword, groping his own ass.

FancyShark

Of course he has black jeans

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Black jeans he is just a toooooooouch too chubby for.

gellaho

The saga of the utili-vest

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

His dick was that disappointing.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"my jeans are as dark as the shadows which obscure my hopes," Sword thought.

"That line fuckin ruled," he thought, reaching for his secret poetry notebook.

FancyShark

Because they need a no nonsense sexy lady the man can prove wrong but also seduce

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I.........kind of want this to be a TV series.

FancyShark

I think the authors do too

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I would watch this fuckin garbage on the Sci Fi channel every Saturday afternoon.

gellaho

Get the gun, child

FancyShark

This does smack of early Dresden Files. Every chapter introducing a new character. No actual plot.

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

At least early Dresden Files had an undead t-rex.

gellaho

I'll tell you to get the gun, but taking the safety off is a no-no, young lady

gellaho

Wereape

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"It has an... erection"

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Just......poke him and say "Hey wake the fuck up, bud."

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Honestly so far I see why Galen Sword, Heir to The Throne of (TBD), is exiled to another world.

Hes a real fuckin prick.

gellaho

More arguing like a married couple.

gellaho

Let's get weird

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Lol ok Sword, why DID you put all the pets back in their cages

While you had a tranquilized wereape prisoner to deal with

gellaho

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Aren't you in charge, Sword? Sounds like a leadership issue

gellaho

Bub

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

KITTY!

gellaho

It could just be a white Persian

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I forgot there was a cat.

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

Although it's a cat... or is it?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

The way that was written made it seem like she was doing the kitty talk to Forsyte

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Pspspspspspspspsps! Kitttyyyyyyyyy!

I hope if you take the collar off it turns into like Double Cat Satan or something.

gellaho

I mean, 'Bub is short for something

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

INVISIBLE Double Cat Satan.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

It becomes a wereape

gellaho

Beelzebub

FancyShark

Beelzebub

hahaha

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Man being a wereape must be a real disappointing life, like........as a human, you're already an ape.

gellaho

This is such a weird book

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Eat the cat, Martin

gellaho

Catss

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

See this is just making me feel bad for Martin because this is a classic interrogation technique, and in about 15 minutes or less Galen is gonna be electrocuting his balls.

gellaho

The Beekeepers?

gellaho

Ko's character is very confusing to me

LyraV

To us all

FancyShark

She's the motherly badass martial arts gun sexy lady who loves science and is nice to everyone and loves cats

gellaho

Martin oopsies

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

The lady-author's self insert

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

See now im just imagining Martin is the Blaby Ape and its making me empathize with him too much.

gellaho

Do you know who I am?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

NO IT ISNT WISH FULFILLMENT JUDIT

FancyShark

Martin, you can't say that

I mean, you can

But shut up, Martin

gellaho

I wonder if he's related to O'Toole from Simon Hawke's masterpiece Psychodrome

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Wait wait wait - a black man who hunts, or a man who hunts black people?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

It's just his black jeans, it's ok

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Oh, he's a black hunter in the Dark Souls sense, I get it now

FancyShark

Huh. The serial killer who was actually a werewolf in Hunter: The Reckoning was also named Arkady

I'm sure there's no overlap there

gellaho

What about the Klan though

gellaho

Was he also berated by his leprechaun and archbishop ancestors?

FancyShark

I never got far enough to find out. But now I hope so

gellaho

Uh, oh. An Adequate adept

FancyShark

AAAAGGGGHHHH!

Everyone, hide your swiss army knives!

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I love this book but it hurts me

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Well ok but we're calling you Martin the Apewoof"

gellaho

Werewolves keepers

FancyShark

"Martin just intern"

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Need coffee?"

gellaho

Ah, he's a shapeshifter. So this is Psychodrome

gellaho

FancyShark

YES!

Why is this important?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I'm going to assume Sword is the husband insert, Ko is the wife's insert, and half this book is subtext about their marriage

gellaho

Sword scares the werewolf and slaps Ko on the shoulder so hard she falls to the ground

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

That's the other half

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

God keep asking questions that are obvious, duh, if there werent more than two clans you wouldnt need to call them clans.

FancyShark

Garf? Judy? Can we get the plot too?

gellaho

First World problems, amirite?

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

lmao

Burrow into Martins skin and take control of him.

Like cats do.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Probably just vomit

gellaho

Light Clan

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"Goddammit Melody, every time that cat does that we are cleaning cat shit out of the weirdest corners for WEEKS. INVISIBLE CAT SHIT, Melody!"

FancyShark

The best stories are the ones where the main character is peripheral

gellaho

Poor 'chanted Light

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"Look, I can explain, I just got SUPER tired of having to find invisible turds by touch and smell."

gellaho

Well, Galen's dead. I guess that's the book over

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"You cant touch your face for WEEKS after."

Hahahahahahahha fuck yes.

FancyShark

Judy, Garf, you need to give context before you can make the reader care

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Great cage everyone

Remember Martin? Good times

gellaho

Well, I can see this chapter is going to be annoying

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Why, did Galen live?

gellaho

Galen Sword has been in some sort of car accident

gellaho

Which is either a memory or something

FancyShark

Garfield's just listing fancy cars

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Concussion flashback!

gellaho

Some guys get all the luck, drunkenly running into lampposts

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Oh god theres not a lot good when someone says "From the magazine?"

gellaho

Boy oh, boy. Sure hope this doesn't go on for pages

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Theres so much sadness there.

Also yes, he SHOULD die.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

He's such a dark and moody character, you guys

gellaho

"A few miles short of heaven," kiss my ass Judfield

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Galen Sword contains multitudes

gellaho

Dork and moody

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

This fuckin sucks, bring back the cat loving wereape.

gellaho

Oh, the heights of opulence

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Haha

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hahahahhah even in 1990 living in Trump Tower is a sure sign youre a dipshit with too much money and people should shun you.

gellaho

Askwith and Marjoribanks

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"Oh woe is me, I only have infinite money in this world."

gellaho

This is how doctors work, sure

gellaho

Hippocrates would be proud

FancyShark

Judith and Garfield apparently wrote "the best episode of Enterprise", the Van Helsing prequel anime, and several episodes of Batman: TAS

Was this what we thought was cool in the 90s?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

That all checks out

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I've seen the records. Yes.

FancyShark

Dang

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I was there. Yepper.

gellaho

The best episode of Enterprise is not the highest bar. And I say that as someone who likes Enterprise

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Which episodes of TAS?

FancyShark

Not sure yet, but I'm looking

Velo Might Be A Ghost

This is barely a step away from Tim Burton's Batman, tonally

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Some people are better suited for other formats, and books are extremely open-format

gellaho

More italics!

gellaho

FancyShark

True. I'm probably being harsh on them because book cage

Velo Might Be A Ghost

To be clear I mean it sucks and is embarrassing

gellaho

Fuck off, you whiny little bastard

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Aw

FancyShark

Dreams in Darkness

and...that's it

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Im legit into it now, even as I make fun of it.

gellaho

ET phone Galen

gellaho

Oh, the worst episode of television ever made?

How grand

FancyShark

I dunno. I still think the Burton Batman movies are fun

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Eh not one of the really brilliant ones but okay.

gellaho

The 21st of September

gellaho

More flashbacks! More!

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Ew hes going all Kaiser Wilhelm.

gellaho

Five long years

FancyShark

That's a really gross way to describe a pregnancy

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Just segued into VERY UPSETTING territory huh?

gellaho

You don't like "a magical swelling?"

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Nope.

FancyShark

Nor "a special surprise for him and his father"

gellaho

What a transition

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE THE ANESTHETIC WASNT TAKING EFFECT YEEEEEEEEET!:

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Remember when this book was about hunting werewolves?

gellaho

I guess the doctors stopped abandoning him

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Medical curiosity about why this asshole isnt dead, rad.

gellaho

And back to child Galen

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

He's not just an asshole, he's an unkillable asshole

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

At the end of this we zoom out and it takes place in a childs imagination.

gellaho

Don't you play with your mother, child

gellaho

No physical activity or sports, only magic

FancyShark

The stereotypical father refusing to let his son play sports so he can study

Tom, Wizard Columbo

The sun didn't dance in the hair he didn't have

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I had actually forgot about the werewolf thing

gellaho

Not his dad

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

That we KNOW of.

Thomas might be banging Galens mom.

gellaho

Old skool

gellaho

Stop having this five year old call his mom beautiful, please

gellaho

Fuckin freak can't do no magic

gellaho

Do they have fucking medical students operating on him?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Yeah he is

FancyShark

Look, not every operation is one a doctor has done a hundred times already

gellaho

Masters of transitions

gellaho

This sounds like a riveting bed time story

gellaho

Ooh, breeding. Always a good sign

gellaho

That's a swear word, huh?

gellaho

Maybe Galen is slow

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Use the scientific name: Hobbit

gellaho

Hmmmmmmm, is this a Magic: The Gathering book?

gellaho

"Fuck this little turd, " said Tom

Tom, Wizard Columbo

This kid's so boring I can't even smell him

That makes sense to someone

gellaho

Lysander Sword

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Just make him a couple magic rings, its fine.