135: The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Gotta be it

gellaho

TV

gellaho

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah brother.

FancyShark

Martin, this is a Macho Man household

Tom, Wizard Columbo

My brain is so full of nonsense that I immediately caught that reference and I've never even seen the show

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I hope the rest of the book is Judfield describing various TV shows

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Also we skipped right over the beastman hovering outside a little girl's window staring at her and licking his fangs

gellaho

Martin insinuates there's something wrong with Ja'Nette's parents

gellaho

gellaho

She's not a fan

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hey Judfield? If youre gonna use it that badly you can return translocation to David Eddings.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Nice one Martin, that was a difficult conversation to have but you definitely nailed and didn't cause any doubts or concerns in her mind

gellaho

Hmm, don't care for this

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"In First World we have thing... called racism"

GDC

He flipped away, werewolf hog flapping against his thigh.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Is this more or less uncomfortable than Time Riders Liam staring at the unconscious test tube clone girl's tits

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

It's just a small girl in a room with a giant furry with his dick out... oh

gellaho

Ooh, boy, it would be great if you could impart information, Judfield

gellaho

And not in a long concussed coma

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

You always need your gun, Janet.

gellaho

GET ON WITH IT

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Wait what? Ko's name is Melody Sword?

FancyShark

Melody Ko

GDC

Martin talking like this feels like the author is inventing ways to be racist against werewolves.

gellaho

Maybe have someone else explain this

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Lucas stole Jar Jar Bink's voice from Judfield's notes

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Oh Martin said "Melody Galen Sword," was he just running both their names together because he's an idiot?

LyraV

Yes

FancyShark

Sure. Elemental shapeshifters.

gellaho

Marratin

FancyShark

Judifield, you wouldn't happen to have a plot anywhere in this pile of words, would you?

LyraV

She will be weaving for a long old time

gellaho

No, Judfield, bad!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"It'd really help us all out down at the station if you could find that plot, sir"

FancyShark

YOU EXPLICITLY STATED THIS GIRL IS TEN, JUDITH

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

and the apewoof is 5

Tom, Wizard Columbo

NUH UH SHE'S 12 SHE JUST LOOKS 10!

gellaho

Glad we spent all that time on the mom's clan then

gellaho

Is it?

FancyShark

FFS

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I thought we did this already

FancyShark

We did

Tom, Wizard Columbo

How could you all use such demeaning language

Velo Might Be A Ghost

No surely not

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Look how sad Samwise is now

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Why would the book repeat itself like that

FancyShark

I guess Judith and Garfield thought we weren't paying attention. Like we're editors or something.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

What could it possibly have to gain

gellaho

Hey, I called it

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Judfield not beating the paid by the word accusations.

gellaho

Not that impressive considering one was Hiroyoshi and the other was Galen's, but you know

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

And just think, this was written at least a full year before White Wolf was even a thing.

gellaho

Martin's great at socializing

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"You piece of shit"

FancyShark

What if this is the thing that started it?

gellaho

Oh, good. Attitude.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

This has been going on for a while, Judfield

FancyShark

This would be much more moving if we had any reason to care about these characters

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I care about Martin.

gellaho

I don't

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

He's like the bigfoot son I never had.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I care about Galen, negatively

FancyShark

That's fair. He does like puppies and kittens.

Martin

Velo Might Be A Ghost

What are you talking about, Ja'Nette's our kid sidekick who is not yet a woman

FancyShark

Martin has exhibited more personality than the rest of the cast combined

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

If this just turned into Rudy But With A Bigfoot im fine with that.

gellaho

Blecch

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I googled marratin to see if it was stolen from anything, but seemingly not. It may be arabic for 'time' or 'twice'

GDC

Wait is she an actual hobbit or is she just short?

FancyShark

She's a half-blood

Tom, Wizard Columbo

She's 12

FancyShark

Judfield just want to be clever

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Yeah they meant something more like "half-breed"

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Yes, hug the bigfoot.

gellaho

Ahuh, sure

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

This is the least empathy ive ever felt for a migraine sufferer.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Like the noble blobfish, Galen needs constant pressure to survive

gellaho

This book has too many tones, and I hate them all

Tom, Wizard Columbo

SHUT UP

gellaho

Let me just cup my own ass first

FancyShark

You can't build tension for someone we hate, Judfield

gellaho

Pants are necessary for travel

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Actually no, Ko, I agree, its good to ask questions when someone tries to extract a vague promise from you.

gellaho

Listen, you guys need to understand everyone in this is a moron

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Softwind is a gentle breeze that feels a bit weird unless you're wearing pants. It's not actually part of the First World

gellaho

But different kinds of morons

Art Engoron

FancyShark

The quadriplegic has pants to give away?

gellaho

Ko is the kind of moron that would jump off a cliff if a five year old asked her to

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Specfically big dick pants - yes

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I would also like to jump off a cliff

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I'm trying to imagine what you could possibly have meant by this 😆

Yeah he still has legs shark

gellaho

Love this narrative technique of revealing information via a dumb, uncooperative five year old

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Softwind is a soft jazz Hawkwind cover band.

FancyShark

Just seems a bit cruel to say "Hey, your legs are dead. You can probably spare some pants."

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I mean he probably has more pants right?

gellaho

Shit, Yugi, it's the Shadow Realm

Tom, Wizard Columbo

It'd definitely be cruel if he's sitting bare ass on his wheelchair right now because they made him give up his only pants to the wereape

gellaho

They disguised the door as a door, huh? How ingenious

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Just sitting there cold and furious. "I'll get you for this Sword, and your little ape too"

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

His completely normal blood will keep his nude ass warm.

gellaho

You know, the rhythm of the sea

gellaho

That beat

FancyShark

It's not like water ever moves at different speeds

gellaho

Smell

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

See, soft jazz.

Got a real schozscape in this apartment.

gellaho

Sawdust always made Sword smile

FancyShark

Apologies all but I think I need to call it here. Thank you for the read, @gellaho ! Have a good night everyone! I hope something happens!

GDC

I'm not optimistic.

gellaho

Roundly obese females

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Oh so short fat girls arent human, huh Judfield?

gellaho

A horse

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Cool bar, has a horse. Drinks are expensive. 4/5 stars.

gellaho

One of the German creatures shows up. Martin remains unhelpful

Tom, Wizard Columbo

A horse! Can you imagine?

GDC

See the problem with the main character not getting any information is that we don't, either.

gellaho

Tantoo, the bald ferret lady

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Fist bumps, rad.

GDC

Tantoo sounds like a star wars name.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I hope Tantoo is the self insert

gellaho

It would be great to know what was going on

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Also imagine going into a foreign place for the first time and pointing and saying "look they have waiters just like us!" This guy is supposed to have traveled the world

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

but they're little dragon lizards, right?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I'm not sure? It just says they're a tiny person

gellaho

I don't know what you mean, Ferret lady

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

George Lucas says "tone it down"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I'm sensing an unusual amount of fear for an invisible cat dispute

gellaho

You know what, Sword? At this point, please do. It might accelerate things

gellaho

You have knowledge of how much it costs to buy a person, Sword?

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Absolutely he does.

Sword is the kind of guy who can give you price quotes for human beings for three different purposes and originating in six countries.

gellaho

Oh, good, we're getting into a negotiation with mystery currency. Yay

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

God why can these godless heathen magic types not just use the American dollar?!

gellaho

Hey, Judfield? You're writing the damn book

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Currency is fake anyway!

gellaho

You can tell the reader what that means

Tom, Wizard Columbo

gellaho

Fuck. You.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Hey guys didn't we determine that Martin has a child's mind? How is he 'art of the deal'ing this

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

I think that was just Melody being bigoted and thinking a squatch cant have a sharp mind.

I mean she did find him dick out in a pet store he broke into playing with puppies so I can see why shed come to that conclusion.

gellaho

The book is trying for that

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"MArtin fuck over muggles, heehee"

gellaho

Unfortunately the book already showed him being a complete moron

And saying he's 2 and a half

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Yeah but I think he said he was 2"changes" old, and a change was some unspecified number of years

gellaho

I guess the deal is falling apart because Sword doesn't know some stupid phrase

gellaho

gellaho

Shirley

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"Oh well its a Fuck You Mind Your Own Goddam Business."

Tom, Wizard Columbo

She's figured ouut he's a fake fan

"name all their albums"

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

"ITS LIKE YOU DIDNT EVEN READ THE MANGA!"

Velo Might Be A Ghost

So all of that, all of it, was for nothing

gellaho

She said the H-word, ooooh

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Kill her

Velo Might Be A Ghost

And him

gellaho

Then he gets super-tased

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

BAR FIGHT!

BAR FIGHT!

Velo Might Be A Ghost

And yourself

gellaho

Tom Swift would be so proud

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Use your sword, Sword

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

YEAH GET YOUR DICK OUT!

BAR FIGHT!

gellaho

A spooky skeleton

gellaho

The spooky skeleton scalps him

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

HELL YEAH BAR SKELETON!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Weird

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I hope it eats him

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

This is a pretty sick bar fight.

gellaho

I guess scalping is his move, so he does it to Martin

gellaho

Sword's attempt to help fails

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Sword, you just had all the muscles in your shoulders ripped apart, remember? The old Kirk double fist isn't going to be as effective as usual

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Captain Kirk that undead

gellaho

The skeleton then uses Sword's scalp to do the fire spell that killed Askwith

gellaho

gellaho

That sentence made me feel like I was having a stroke

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"one thing I just can't figure out, sir. How did the lich get some of Askwith's hair to do the spell? It's like somebody musta gave it to him!"

gellaho

In comes the five year old to save the day

gellaho

I guess the skeleton is catholic

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Just casually dropping the H-word, now

Velo Might Be A Ghost

It can't see without its… stupid fucking necklace

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hahahahahahha awesome.

gellaho

Guess that's what happens when you play a shadow game

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"you see kids, without the guiding light of Jesus Christ, even a lich is blind!"

gellaho

Success?

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Y.......yay? I guess?

Only a minor scalping.

gellaho

Yes, clearly Martin knows everything. Which is why you're both crying in the snow

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Get with the program Sword, fucking hell

You already had a conversation about how Softwind moves

You speculated if you would feel the teleport

gellaho

Call in the A-team

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Yeah its totally going to be okay, you only blew Martin's cover immediately.

gellaho

Well, Martin's body probably should have blown it in the first place

Considering at the end she could tell just by looking at him

Anyway, the skeleton gets a name. Any guesses?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Greg

Loomis

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Torgus Boneer.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Mr. Debonesby

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Bone Daddy.

gellaho

The evil, spooky skeleton

Dmitri

Velo Might Be A Ghost

God damn it

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

lol

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I guess I was closest with Greg

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Tom wins

gellaho

And that's as good a place to stop as any

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

lol

Rad.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Fucking hell

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

This book rules.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

This book sure does exist

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Oh yeah still no boobalicious snake girl

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Thank you @gellaho

Thank you everyone

Great riffing

Great book cage

gellaho

Good night

And remember:

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I'm going to have to start taking notes to understand this

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Yeah thanks gellaho, thanks everyone

I'm gonna go watch Columbo

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I've toyed with the idea of running a "Wizard CSI" RPG campaign, but magic makes a lot of mysteries too easy

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Or you need to do a ton of work to write out all the rules and limits of magic

And your players need to understand all those rules so they can solve the mystery

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

Hahahhaha I forgot that people thought illiteracy was rampant in the early 90s.

Like people were forgetting how to read.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I can't imagine why

gellaho

Yeah, you know, in 10 years 30% of people are going to forget how to read, I guess

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Or dead, WWIII coming in 2005 and all

Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage

And to be honest, the people of 1990 couldnt have predicted No Child Left Behind.

They dont get credit for that.

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 135.5

The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Part 2

Last we met, Galen Sword spent about a quarter of the book in a coma fever dream. Now, Galen Sword has his crew of a psychic child, a fake/half-werewolf child, an Asian lady, and a quadriplegic. How much more will Judfield bungle this strange race allegory? Find out, this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we continue these chronicles.

gellaho

Areze

All hail incredulous, obviously-AI-generated snake lady!

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Psychic halfling? Fucking ridiculous.

gellaho

Coming up on the top of the hour, it's The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter. We left off meeting the evilest of all creatures: Dmitri the Skeleton

gellaho

And, coming up today: Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Brendo

You guys doing Wight Terminators in here?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

BOOK

FancyShark

CAGE

Hi, @Velo Might Be A Ghost !

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Hi @FancyShark !

Do you think Galen Sword will do anything in his own novel this time?

FancyShark

I was about to ask you if he did anything after I left last time

Hi, @roosters control time !

Velo Might Be A Ghost

No. He exercised less agency than a house plant.

gellaho

Shift your engines to sword

FancyShark

Classic Galen

Hi, @gellaho !

gellaho

Sword's out of shape chest

Brendo

I am UNCAGED

What's the gist?

FancyShark

HELLO, @Brendo !

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Batman but he's magic but he doesn't know it yet and he sucks so so much

FancyShark

It's basically Buffy, but the main character does nothing

gellaho

Damned irascibility

Brendo

Just a bunch of book nerds whose avatars wear hats

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Yeah he's Elon Buffy

Brendo

And @roosters control time where it's in the name.

FancyShark

Also, they met a werewolf who talks like a caveman and is maybe two years old

gellaho

Shirleys and crystals

FancyShark

The authors are a husband and wife team who wrote some Star Trek and an episode of Batman: TAS

gellaho

What a system

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Ko is the hot sidekick who's just too competent for her own good

She's not a loose cannon but damn it she gets results

FancyShark

Forsyte is modern fantasy Stephen Hawking

gellaho

I spit on your rubies

Velo Might Be A Ghost

STOP GIVING US MATH

Also they keep derailing the story to do gem math

A lot of gem math

FancyShark

I missed the gem math

gellaho

You are being very generous

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I worry how much gem math @gellaho has seen that he didn't share

Brendo

MWG isekai is a real theme this summer

Velo Might Be A Ghost

But all of this is much less rad than it sounds