PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Is he admitting to being Galen's dad?
135: The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens
#1 The Chronicles of Galen Sword
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The epic adventures of a fascinating new hero born into a magical realm... stranded in our own
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Tom, Wizard Columbo
So are Galen's parents brother and sister? Was that implied in the breeding conversation?
gellaho
Uncle Alexander? No
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh uncle, right
😉
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
I do feel like this family tree does not fork properly enough tho.
FancyShark
I don't think he changed names
gellaho
He did not
Tom, Wizard Columbo
He just never bothered to come up with a normal name
gellaho
They go back to the doctors again, you can imagine what that's like
Something breathes in Galen's hair
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Thank you
FancyShark
Herr Slausen sounds trustworthy
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"Herr Slausen has some very important lessons about our pure bloodline," his beautiful blonde mother said.
Wait what oh shit
gellaho
He's a tiny creature that breathes roses
FancyShark
Floral Yoda
Tom, Wizard Columbo
It's not in her stomach Galen. The baby is not in her stomach
gellaho
And is German for some reason
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
I want Herr Slausen to just have the thickest Jersey accent.
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Wow this is still going on
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Herr Slausen looked up at Galen and said "Orion's belt ..."
gellaho
Adventure!
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
The trebuchet is oiled
Tom, Wizard Columbo
REMEMBER WHEN THIS BOOK WAS ABOUT HUNTING WEREWOLVES
gellaho
Forget the old school
Velo Might Be A Ghost
NO I DO NOT
I kind of think you're lying about that
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
It's always been about racial purity
The main theme has always been how much Galen sucks
gellaho
"OK, that's funny, but what's your actual name"
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
"Nope, hes still concussed, lets put him back under a while."
gellaho
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Christ it was so long ago that the wereape threw Galen at the wall. I'm so old now. I used to have so much mercy
gellaho
Forget about the girls he killed in a drunk driving accident, I guess
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
It's actually best for concussed individuals to sleep in order to heal. If you think there's a chance of brain bleed go to a hospital and get on monitors
Keeping them awake will not make it better
gellaho
Meanwhile, still in flashback
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Look, Cindy and.........Laurella............ and........Tits McGee knew the risks when they got in his car.
gellaho
Oh, only one died. It's fine then
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Its 1990 and Ted Kennedy drowned that girl over 30 years ago, you cant say they werent warned about guys with fast cars and too much blood in their alcohol system.
gellaho
Dundundun. Magical cocaine sobriety
Tom, Wizard Columbo
That lamp post came out of nowhere
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
He killed her sober
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Killed her just to feel again.
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
That's fine
gellaho
DUI trust fund
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Just like Ted Kennedy.
FancyShark
These storylines didn't have to be in the same book
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
"Let it be known to the courts that I am a bad boy"
gellaho
Fuck em, says Askwith
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Sward?
gellaho
Why are all these names like this
gellaho
Editing is a myth
LyraV
Majoribanks Deez nuts?
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Grassy Sward is his pen name.
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Ms. Marjoribanks, and of course her butler Steven Butleson
gellaho
Sword struck should be more exciting
LyraV
Its pronounced Sward.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh I know how Galen survived. He's rich and the heir to the Mushroom Kingdom so he can't die as long as he has lots of coins
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
"Well now I have to kill you, you stupid fuckhead."
gellaho
Lotta lightning in this lawyer's office
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
"I killed him"
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Take this dnd shit out of my office please mr sword
LyraV
And my other names Lancelward, Freidlandward and Wartleson.
gellaho
This guy is a great lawyer
LyraV
Yes it's true or my name isn't Askworth, I mean with. For you.
FancyShark
"For God's sake, Sword. Pick one script and stick with it. We've been at this for hours."
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
You should maybe have put someone in charge of watching him who could redo the spell that erased his memory, just in case.
Or thrown him off a cliff.
gellaho
What if I gave you some money, hmmm?
gellaho
LyraV
Zaprupled even
FancyShark
This is a complex legal maneuver
LyraV
He's a money wizard on the side.
gellaho
What if I stab myself, Askwith?
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Hey uh..........you should consider taking him up on that tripling.
Thirty million isnt that much these days.
gellaho
Magic phone
gellaho
Vampyres
gellaho
FancyShark
"They're Italians"
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
"Australians"
gellaho
We've officially been more in the flashback than in the present
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
"Goths."
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
That Apewoof knocked him for a hell of a flashback
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Galen, you asshole. Your old life was a lie and you hated it so much you wanted to die.
gellaho
Such luxury
gellaho
A great question
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
The answer to his question about his wrist is to keep him from masturbating.
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Once you know you're magic royalty, the muggles are expendable
gellaho
Take a moment to examine this dork's study
gellaho
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
So hes a shittier Indiana Jones and steals historical treasures, cool.
gellaho
Well
Well now
This next paragraph
Is quite the thing
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
lol
gellaho
BEHOLD MY DICK COLLECTION
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
"It was garbage until I said I wanted it"
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Hahahahahhahaha
Judith!
gellaho
Ladies can't resist a dick sculpture
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Judith you co wrote this, would this work on you?!
gellaho
Apparently
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
"Look at his collection of horny statuary! I MUST HAVE HIM INSIDE ME!"
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Or maybe Garf scowled at his wife's collection
FancyShark
They have one dick sculpture. They bought it as a joke and now they can't admit they hate it.
gellaho
Askwith drunkenly called him three times
gellaho
"It's those goddamned burp satellites!"
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
They tried buying one of those round ass fertility idols and arranging it so it peeks out from behind the shaft like a garden gome from behind a tree, and made it worse.
gellaho
Wait, fourth message
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
lol
gellaho
Parents seem like they might not be doing too hot
Tom, Wizard Columbo
This is some clumsy ass world building. Don't drink and exposit, kids
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Galen Sword, Not An Answering Machine Understander.
gellaho
RIP Askwith
gellaho
The stupid name oath
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
See this is why you pick the fuck up, GALEN!
FancyShark
Man, the Jerky Boys used to pull some epic pranks
gellaho
Seems like a pleasant death
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"I'm so sorry Galen. There's so much you don't know. Your parents... These things behind the scenes... The Jews control the weather... The Pendragons... The outcasts..."
"Wait what did you say?"
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Are lawyers trained to provide information in a precise and brief manner?
Instead of this
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Detective Bill Trank!
gellaho
Burned the Tanqueray
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Ooooh classy.
Tanqueray, the MID shelf vodka.
FancyShark
Got one of them gaming phones
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Hey Galen they can find out he called you, and they're gonna wonder why you didn't say so.
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Fuck em, never tell the cops anything. Make em earn their check.
gellaho
Fun
FancyShark
Ace work, Trank
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Yeah that happens alot during robberies, Detective Trank.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Haha the tape outline of the body, straight out of Columbo
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
That circle is too circley for pyro punks
gellaho
Classic crackhead
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"Just one more thing, Mr Sword"
FancyShark
It does?
Dude, you need to do more to combat the crack epidemic
gellaho
Great detection
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Had to step out for a bit, is it still the past?
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"ya see, sir, dis guy tries ta catch da tweety bird an he falls in da fire. I seen it a hundred times"
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
A lawyer just combusted
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
The past doesnt exist anymore and the future never happens, its always the present.
FancyShark
What if Harvey Bullock, but bad at his job?
Velo Might Be A Ghost
That happens sometimes
gellaho
Just let the news into the crime scene, sure
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
"Oh great, another crack-head lawyer burning, the public loves these"
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
"Hey just one more thing...........we hit redial on the phone."
gellaho
Marcus Aurelius Askwith
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Oh fuck you
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"when the victim called you, mr sword, did you maybe hear the tweety bird flyin around in da background? No? Just a thought, sir."
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
"Dynamite noises? Anvil drops? Jericho horns? Maybe a road runner?"
gellaho
What
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
What year was this published?
FancyShark
"My wife's always telling me I work too hard. But you know what I tell her? I say, 'A sorcerer was hit with a fireball. I got a job to do. If I don't do it, some other poor guy's gotta do it. And that's not fair when they're still paying me.'"
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
She works for the Enquirer, dont mind her.
gellaho
Betacam
FancyShark
1990
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
hmmm
that's a bit late for the spontaneous combustion myth to still be a thing
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Ok we need to replace Galen Sword with looney tunes wizard Columbo, I think it'd be a huge improvement
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha your camera is a fuckin cuck, camera guy. Betacam.
GDC
I just got here, how's the book so far?
gellaho
Of course, books!
Velo Might Be A Ghost
That was a thing into the early 2000s
FancyShark
Hi, @GDC !
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Get a real Alpha Cam like a grownup.
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
run
gellaho
What kind of parties have you been going to?
FancyShark
It's odd. It opened with a Buffy the Vampire Slayer team stalking a werewolf who wanted to hug puppies and kittens. Then the werewolf punched our hero, who sucks, and it's been flashback since then
Velo Might Be A Ghost
It started strong! And no we're here
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
There's some cool stuff but it's all Frankensteined together
gellaho
Back to the present
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Don't think it don't say it
GDC
Oh shit is Karen Ko in this book?
FancyShark
I wish
gellaho
Feels a lot longer
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Martin the Apewoof!
gellaho
Melody Ko, tiny, buzzcut, psychic investigator
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Being out for ten minutes means he probably has brain damage.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Ugh we've been gone too long, who the hell cares what was happening here. I can't recall the taste of food or the sound of water. I'm naked in the dark, nothing, no veil between me and the way of fire
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
So hes almost completely fine.
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Yaaaay the present
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Put some pants on, Tom
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Never
gellaho
Boy, you must be some kinda genius
GDC
They say 'chanted the light' like it has an urban dictionary entry.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"you know sir, I just can't wrap my head around who put this collar on the magic cat. Wasn't you, sir?"
Velo Might Be A Ghost
MANY MORE
gellaho
Well, that's stupid
gellaho
FancyShark
Oh fuck off, Judith and Garfield
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Hahhahhahahah he got banned from the country club because he's too overtly inbred.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
So we don't get to go there and see giant monsters like hollow earth? Then wtf was the point of all this
Tom, Wizard Columbo
I think he's more not inbred enough
GDC
Oh so it isn't mystical, just pretentious.
gellaho
And now, friendship bullshit
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
He got kicked out of wizardland for not having magic
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
It would be so funny if each time Galen mouths off at Martin, Martin lays him out for another flashback.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"don't have do anything," Martin said. "Martin don't even have do sentence construction right if Martin don't want."
gellaho
We're really getting somewhere
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
Me like Martin
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Be careful what you wish for
gellaho
Killed him with a Coors Light
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Worst beer can to be vulnerable to, really.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh yeah Judith and Garfield, tell us more about how the term werewolf is totally inaccurate for these creatures that can only be killed by silver bullets
gellaho
It's real cool Ko got a good look at his dick
gellaho
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Also goddamn Sword is such a whiner
FancyShark
Everything in the present day plays like you just turned on a show you've never seen and it's a middle episode in the third season
gellaho
Nah, there are werewolves. Martin's not a werewolf, he's a shifter
GDC
I just missed the first little bit and I feel like I'm going into book 3 cold.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh yeah
gellaho
And possibly 2 years old
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Shut the fuck up Sword. This guy is answering all your questions and you're so rude
They have perfectly captured the character of a useless trust fund baby, they just royally fucked up by thinking he was the hero
gellaho
Ko thinks this 2 year old has all the answers
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Yeah funny that, Sword was unconscious and everyone else got some important shit done
gellaho
Nah, they just made paper chains and treated Martin like a dog
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
That would be a great running gag in a show, main character gets owned, everyone else makes progress while they're down
gellaho
Do they not have any normal tape formats in this book
Tom, Wizard Columbo
While he continually has flashbacks of his tragic backstory 😆
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
I really think saying just "Come." when someone knocks on the door is the most punchable yet casual thing you can say.
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Sword is three pages away from finding a laserdisc and some microfiche
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Are you Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise? If not, then don't do that
Velo Might Be A Ghost
He's such a rebel
GDC
Ko is an 8mm film snob and brings it up in any conversation.
gellaho
I'm getting real annoyed at nobody just telling Galen anything
gellaho
Not everything needs to be a lesson couched in mystery Judfield
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Big dramatic room, empty but for a chair, lone man sitting in the darkness... Hang on a second...
"Hi, I'm Todd MacFarlane, creator of Spawn. What if a wizard shot a fireball at a lawyer? Pretty spooky stuff, right?"
FancyShark
If everyone was this evasive to me, I'd probably just shoot every new person I met, too
gellaho
GET ON WITH IT
gellaho
FUCK YOU, JUDFIELD! MOVE ON
FancyShark
"But first, have I ever told you all about this novel I'm writing?"
Velo Might Be A Ghost
"You're so impressive and cool, Sword. Even your name, Sword, it's edgy and cool, like a sword."
Tom, Wizard Columbo
I just want more wizard Columbo, it's been the only ray of sunshine in this book
GDC
If I was this guy's editor my notes would just be me doing the 'speed it up' gesture.
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Only after he gets the moral that really underpins the question he's asking
gellaho
Martin left, but he's going to come back. Wow, Judfield. Why'd he even fucking leave
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Judfield has no control over this narrative
It's just happening
Yeah fuck you for that
That'll teach you to dream
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"I bet you could kill us all with one stroke, like mowing the lawn"
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
And we STILL havent gotten a snake woman!
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Never dream in the Book Cage, it's not safe!
FancyShark
It would be kinda funny if the snake woman never appeared
gellaho
And she leaves without imparting ANY INFORMATION! JUUUUUDDDDFIIIIEEEELLLDDD!
FancyShark
Oh no, Sword. YOU don't get to have a headache.
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
We've been at this so long and nothing has happened.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
And on Sword! I can't wait
gellaho
Meanwhile
FancyShark
YES
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah some TMNT
Velo Might Be A Ghost
He's so moody talking to the darkness
Oh what
PhysWiz vs Owlkohol
bc she's a kid, I get it
GDC
Oh we've wandered into a better story.
gellaho
This seems safe
Velo Might Be A Ghost
She's a non-woman, yeah. And there's nothing weird about describing her like that
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh man what's that movie that ends with the main character narrating something like "and so I remain in the darkness... Forever in darkness..."
Oh Daredevil haha
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Ugh don't Terminator 2 me, book, you have not earned it
Velo Might Be A Ghost
Please don't teach Martin to talk like that, Judfield
Please don't
gellaho
Ron Perlman, welcome to the book
FancyShark
He's good in everything
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Hahaha is that a poster for the Ron Perlman Beauty and the Beast show
Hot Soup Midas Flippant Sausage
Hahahah my mom fuckin loved that show.