135: The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

FancyShark

They want us to know she looks ten but is actually twelve. The same way someone tells you the age of consent in European countries.

gellaho

What a couple of paragraphs

Brendo

The age of consent in Europe is based on how many bottles of wine a child can consume without vomiting.

Perverts and foreflushers

Brendo

There's worldbuilding, and then there's world categorizing.

This is just printing the excel sheet

gellaho

Hair magic

FancyShark

99% of the book as been this

The other 1% has been all the side characters getting shit done when we don't follow them

gellaho

SHC

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Oh good, a post-match breakdown of the haggling scene

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom, Wizard Columbo !

Hell yes on the title, too

Tom, Wizard Columbo

It was either Wizard Columbo or Tranquilized Were-Ape

Brendo

Ator knew that the halflings would soon be here, for it was foretold in their Crym'u'lah'kro-Mah, the book of prophecies given to them in the Eighteenth Age, the Age of Dragons, by the Elf-Orc hybrid king, Gr'z-alladriel, son of Hrothgar Bluebellend.

FancyShark

Oh right, and "halflings" is a slur in this book for human/magic creature children

gellaho

Melody Ko has decided to be a skeptic all of a sudden

gellaho

Despite knowing a shapeshifter, an invisible cat, and a psychic child

FancyShark

Wizard Scully would be kind of fun

gellaho

I believe in cat crystal invisibility, but I don't believe it's magic!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

The authors feel a bizarre need to surgically extract every last bit of meaning from every scene with these interminable conversations. It's like they're doing an autopsy on their own book

gellaho

Judith and Garfield getting into arguments in their own book

gellaho

Could it?

FancyShark

Could =/= should

It's like Judith and Garfield had a stack of spec scripts and crammed them all into one novel

gellaho

Ko out here on the supernatural research team

Velo Might Be A Ghost

It's like Judfield are trying to communicate decades of marital contempt to each other through the only medium left untouched by their mutual hate, novels

gellaho

Ko's reasoning is quite confounding

FancyShark

How did they get the greenlight to write two more of these?

gellaho

Or anything

Brendo

I've been here 20 minutes and I know as much as I did at the preview.

gellaho

Forsyte, seems to think this is some kind of relationship tiff

Brendo

Gellaho has definitely constructed a theme of space-flung fantasy idiots vs giant empires with the collusion of beautiful women with an inner strength drawn to our dopes.

gellaho

Which is weird, because I'm pretty sure Forsyte declared vague vengeance on Sword earlier in the book

Brendo

Well that or Blands Von Milquetust pedaling a bike around horny cats.

gellaho

Themes are purely accidental

The first three months of the year were all about time travel, and that was not planned

Brendo

Nothing is accidental!

The great outer ones move us.

FancyShark

Real talk, there will be violence if I ever meet that bicycle author

gellaho

As opposed to when they were stalking werewolves

gellaho

And I'm sad I learned of John Jakes to meet him

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Oh hell, this book again

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"you must give up your mad quest, Sword. If you ever died... Why, I think my very heart might rip in two."

FancyShark

Hi, @PhysWiz vs Owlkohol !

gellaho

Galen thinks the children can take care of themselves

Brendo

Women are always crying when they're yelling at men for being rad.

Get your shit together, ladies.

Brendo

Ja'Nette

gellaho

She's the psychic child who chats Michael Jackson

Then vomits

She's preparing for her next vomit right now

gellaho

Not a joke

Octo

Are the stars part of the name or is that, like… a score card

FancyShark

Hi, @Octo !

Octo

Hello Fancyshark

Brendo

She's telebulimic

gellaho

Boy, do I hate Martin

gellaho

Yeah, Martin, she probably wouldn't

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Human taste pretty good, you should try sometimes"

FancyShark

Martin thinks he's eaten people because no one explained to him what a snowman actually is

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Children have no understanding of cannibalism.

FancyShark

Hi, @Rachel, Grand Inquisitor !

gellaho

You suck, Martin

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

shifterform, never greet rachels. Never never never.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Martin have sad poetry to share with other halflings"

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

So martin is a three foot tall pot smoker, got it.

gellaho

These shapeshifters seem like a fun bunch

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

@FancyShark Are you more of an animorph, or are you a halfling and stuck in your shark form?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Animorph. His gf told me.

gellaho

Fuck me

FancyShark

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Wait being with human is also a rule? I thought there were only three.

Brendo

Oh is this an "everyone has a counterpart" world?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Martin strong. Grammar weak. Prepositions weak. Syntax weak.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Look there's at least two and Martin is bad at counting

Brendo

If I had a sword, I'd be rich too.

gellaho

I'd prefer if the children stopped touching each other

FancyShark

We thought it was two dimensions, but it turns out it's one of those "secret world hidden from society in our world" deals

Brendo

Then he ate her face

Garfield ripped off Dark Tower, mark it.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Fancy's is rich then

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Also we've now learned that in addition to developing an unhealthy and mostly nude friendship with this very young girl, Martin also kills and eats humans

gellaho

Wheeeeee

FancyShark

I appreciate them trying to course correct after that first one

Brendo

Well that was easily resolved.

FancyShark

Martin thwart narrative. Free up time for more vestigial exposition.

gellaho

Later, Ko leaves her waterbed

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Don't relax, we haven't learned what Martin does to sisters yet

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Cancel culture comes for another innocent man

gellaho

Specifically a Danish waterbed

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"Sister go in hole in wall, then Martin brick up. Safe. Always safe. Never leave."

gellaho

Judfield felt that was important

Brendo

Ho ho! The times I've had on a Danish bed with a cattle prod.

I keep my electric weapon on my waterbed.

gellaho

You know how children in the 90s talked

FancyShark

Judifield want us to know she's black

Tom, Wizard Columbo

This is where your skepticism and distrust could really come in handy, Ko

FancyShark

This is a different scene, which means Ko's personality has reset

Brendo

She took a HALFLING to Mickey D's???

Outrageous

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

What's a more appealing meal, McDonald's or human flesh?

FancyShark

Trick question

Brendo

Burger King is the only acceptable venue for those subhumans.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Depends on how long since they made fresh fries

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Depends on if the human is a clown

Brendo

Wait Ja'Nette is an earth kid and not a Fantasy World apostrophe?

gellaho

Later, Galen nakedly sleeps on a bare futon

gellaho

You know, how rich folks live

Brendo

This changes EVERYTHING

gellaho

That's an "urban" apostrophe

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Oh something is happening to Galen

He's cursed or something

Brendo

I'll allow it as long as it's not hobbit crap.

FancyShark

The authors, for reference

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

they look like their crew is big and keeps getting bigger

Tom, Wizard Columbo

They look down with the urban youth

gellaho

Ko tells Galen to stop being paralyzed

FancyShark

They actually seem like nice people, but not that sharp

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Oh right, Sword is the husband and Ko is the wife

gellaho

Fucking weeb

FancyShark

Ko, the power move here is to get a megaphone

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I dunno, I had a teacher who smiled like Judith and she was awful

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Oh sweet Sword lives like a Westerner pretending to be Japanese

gellaho

Attending a meeting? gasp

Tom, Wizard Columbo

So the fact that Sword's only change is he's under the covers implies he's still naked. And not that Ko or Martin seem to care but he couldn't even put pants on for Ja'Nette?

gellaho

Lookin good

Brendo

What IS an adept

Tom, Wizard Columbo

A wizard? An elf wizard? +2int and can cast misty step without expending a spell slot, maybe?

gellaho

This seems like a great time

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Ok, let's bring Ja'Nette"

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Elf spellcaster? Lame. Overdone. Give me something crazy like a psychic halfling.

gellaho

I know where you can find answers

Brendo

What did they do to poor Martin to make him loathe his own culture so?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Did Martin say that? Cause if there was a rising tension to this plot I fuckin missed it

FancyShark

AAAGGGHHH

gellaho

He said something about the Sword's dying in a war. The next war was new to me

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

The world-builder's folly

gellaho

Seems like they don't change, really

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Sometimes wars, nbd"

gellaho

Sword shows the children his dick

FancyShark

🚨

"Flopped back onto his futon"

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Everyone saw the little sword

FancyShark

I see what you did there, Judifield

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Gosh I sure could go for a tall frost glass of root beer.

gellaho

What

FancyShark

dun dun DUNNNNNN

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

He was stopped by a blanket, narrator.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"When it come to ritual murder, go big or go home"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I... You know... Maybe Ja'nette shouldn't be here

gellaho

Yeah, these seem like things Martin would think

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Does he have pants now, or is there additional flopping?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Why doesn't he just go live in the woods

FancyShark

In this economy?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Didn't we already get Martin's internal monologue at the start? Wasn't he kind of an idiot?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

So he has, like, a speech impediment.

gellaho

Martin, the child, explodes out of his clothes

gellaho

He is an idiot

Tom, Wizard Columbo

He was and is an idiot

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Yeah but like a Lenny sort of idiot, not whatever this prose is

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

With giant floppy hairy ears

Brendo

`Martin is ghoul-den age superman

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

He can't figure out a zipper so, yeah

Idiot.

gellaho

Who's a widdle shapeshifter

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Remember the time Martin forgot how to sit down

Velo Might Be A Ghost

We already know Sword doesn't think, Judfield

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Think about Ja'Nette's age. Please.

gellaho

Midwestern-neutral is my DnD alignment

Tom, Wizard Columbo

That's her one character trait apparently

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Can't, he only has one think slot and he's using it for winning

gellaho

Only adepts know the fist bump

Tom, Wizard Columbo

so I think I've just about decoded this book, tell me what you think

Galen: I am Galen and I must do the thing.

Person who is helping him do the thing: Galen you must not do the thing.

Galen having just done the thing: And yet I must do the thing.

Person who helped him do the thing: You will NEVER do the thing, Galen. I will see to it.

Brendo

I recognize the expository NPC cutscene

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Galen you got recognized by some random people who you crashed a car near. You cannot go undercover.

gellaho

I've been telling John and Brenda we should kill that kid for months

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

We know he's good at discretion because only two children have seen his balls today

gellaho

I'm pretty sure Calder's fucking an animal

Tom, Wizard Columbo

suddenly cut to gameplay, half the characters are dead and Galen has a new weapon

gellaho

Helpful as always, Martin

Tom, Wizard Columbo

somehow expertly uses their complex hand gestures but never considered that a shapeshifter might shapeshift

never change, Galen

FancyShark

Tagonii

gellaho

Silver halide spray-on photo emulsion

FancyShark

This must be what a normal feels like when watching nerds play D&D

Tom, Wizard Columbo

bunch of werewolf hunters sitting ina bar bitching about government banning cfc's

gellaho

Calder's into some freaky shit

FancyShark

That is far more Muppet than I expected

gellaho

This is a bold plan

gellaho

gellaho

Galen uses Star Trek karate

Tom, Wizard Columbo

sounds more like a massage

FancyShark

Spraying the bug lady with bug spray is an admittedly good joke

gellaho

Silver spray seems not so effective

Brendo

You know, I'm something of a lipstick-wearing orangutan tagonii myself, Peter.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

so wait is it an orangutan or a spider

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Yes, we've all seen the OnlyFans

gellaho

It's silver spray you use for photography, because they are not werewolves, but are allergic to the same things werewolves are

Brendo

All magic hates silver and cold iron

That's just adept law

gellaho

Ko responds with grenade

gellaho

And a child psychic

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Well, actually, I believe Maguses use Blacklaw.

gellaho

Our heroes

Brendo

My darling mate

FancyShark

The first thing to actually happen in the book and it's assaulting a couple

Brendo

It is good when the children sicken themselves to murder our foes.

gellaho

Such gallantry

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Now eat them. Turn the tables.

FancyShark

They were weird and there

gellaho

Tom, Wizard Columbo

yeah this is a bit Funny Games

gellaho

Also, Calder died

gellaho

Somehow

Tom, Wizard Columbo

this is the first time the book has made me feel anything besides contempt

and it's not great

FancyShark

Yeah, now we have disgust

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I like how the implication is looting the corpses

Brendo

Woah...what if WE, the conventionally attractive home invaders, are the REAL monsters, and not the lovers we murdered?

wait wait wait what if I, the extremely attractive reader, am the REAL REAL monster by enabling this? Reading it, I gave it life.

gellaho

Photograph the dying throes, child

FancyShark

"Neat!"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

like we've never met these characters, never seen or heard of them doing anything bad. It's never bene established that all these magic weirdos are evil, they seem to exist on the same moral spectrum as humans

meanwhile we're best friends with Martin who has admitted to hunting and eating humans

gellaho

Glad to know her tits grew back

Tom, Wizard Columbo

what the fucking fuck

FancyShark

Thank you, Judifield. Before this book, I had to request to read the steps involved in a camera's function

Brendo

I don't think Ja'Nette is giong to grow up normal after today.

gellaho

What a fun paragraph

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Holy shit, spidertits

Brendo

I'm an expert. I studied for a semester on Planet Nikon.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Guys, this book is just a narrated D&D game

Tom, Wizard Columbo

yeah like we knew nothing about these particular two. It's so weird to have our heroes bust in and fucking murder them

Brendo

Imagine slaying a monster only to be accused of a hate crime instead of a regular ol' burglary murder.

gellaho

What legends?

Brendo

What's your defense?

"They like it when you kill them. They don't feel pin like we do."

gellaho

Ko says they must keep the child in the room with the dead, naked bodies

FancyShark

"We're killing Shmoos?"

gellaho

The planet in The Planet Wizard was Eastman-Kodak, get it together

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

GM: "These shapeshifters have the ring-"

Players: "We kill the monsters in clever ways"

GM: "I... didn't say they were monsters, and diplomacy might have-"

Players: "Nope. Killing. Then looting."

gellaho

I guess Calder isn't dead. But Martin wants him to be

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Or no get XP"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"no! I would never commit such a vile deed as murder," said Galen Sword, known murderer.

gellaho

Hey, Forsyte, maybe shooting lasers into your eyes to communicate is not the best idea

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Look martin, murdering an alien monster and/or black woman is one thing, but this could get me in trouble

FancyShark

How do you express credulity? By writing something insane

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Dammit, the player who insisted on playing an immoble science genius wants to contribute

gellaho

Magic tournaments seem complicated

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

sorry

FancyShark

Sick burn on the UN

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

MtG tournies have slightly fewer cannibals and furries

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"No, gathering is collectible card game. Martin play blue deck. Galen not get do anything."

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Great, nice burn Galen. Now why did you murder that woman who was minding her own business in her own home?

FancyShark

"Martin, you're familiar with the United Nations, aren't you?"

gellaho

Why'd you bring the body with you

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I wonder if this is how Eric felt when we started bullying that child and the elderly coffin maker in our last dnd session 😆

FancyShark

"Carpool lane"

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

we have a paladin. As long as his powers work, we're without sin.

It's a canary in the hell mine.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

ummmmmmmmm isn't his lawyer a Looney Tunes circle of ash?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Dmitri: "You're welcome"

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

As a former criminal lawyer i do like the idea of a guy calling me up and telling me all this

gellaho

Well, excuse me, princess

FancyShark

You haven't?

Brendo

Well excuuuu--oh. jinx

FancyShark

Ko, how long have you been doing this?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN YOU FUCKS

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

"Oh the alien shipshifter transformed into a normal human woman after you killed her? Yeah, y'know, we might have a defense."

Just need a psych consult

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Plan?

FancyShark

Also, wasn't Ko the calm and collected one in the group?

Brendo

Officer, I can explain this dead nude woman very plainly. You see, she was an orangutan spider, as evidenced by her whore lipstick. I--HEY LET GO