135: The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Tom, Wizard Columbo

just one more thing sir, I can't figure out how all that silver spray got on her face! This case is real tricky, I'll tell ya that.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

speak with dead!

FancyShark

You can't cast it on something you killed. They don't want to talk to their murderer

gellaho

Apparently Ko is also in love with the quadriplegic who's blinding himself

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

oh this isn't my personal memo, sorry

gellaho

Not really

Tom, Wizard Columbo

UGH

Tom, Wizard Columbo

her role was more "opposite of Galen whatever that is even if he changes his mind"

Brendo

They effectively killed this woman via her allergy.

And then kicked her husband to death as he watched her die.

Why can't I stop laughing?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Heroes

Tom, Wizard Columbo

kicked her husband to NEAR-death

gellaho

Literally kicked

Once

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Pussy

gellaho

Good news: Martin shows up to make this really stupid

gellaho

Judfield became a five year old to write this part

Both of them became one five year old

Tom, Wizard Columbo

oh good, those shifters do kill humans. Th home invasion was justified, everyone

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

You'll never level up with that attitude, Ko

gellaho

Martin decides to reveal the dead body

FancyShark

🥺

Brendo

If you shoot enough clergymen, eventually you're the hero who kills pedophiles.

gellaho

Ah, she turned into dust. So it's fine she's dead

FancyShark

That's handy

Wait, do all women turn to dust when murdered?

gellaho

What great characters

gellaho

Just old ones

Brendo

I'm not saying all, but I haven't met one yet who didn't.

gellaho

Why'd Galen do that? Who knows!

FancyShark

How did that give her back her innocence?

gellaho

Why'd that bother Ko so much when the dust was so inhuman that she absolved herself of murder?

FancyShark

I get the hate. We all hate Galen.

gellaho

Who knows!

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

I have no fucking idea what the author is trying to communicate

Except for killing is good, i get that

gellaho

What a book

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Maybe im projecting my feelings onto the text again tho

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Would he fit in? Do many kids at disney world hunt and feast on other kids?

FancyShark

Based on what the park guards told me at age five, no

gellaho

Telekinetic gambling, baby

FancyShark

hahahaha

That last sentence is so dark

Well done, Judifield

gellaho

I hope there's no obvious flaw in this plan

Oh, darn

FancyShark

Dipshit. This is why you start in Atlantic City

gellaho

Vegas too morally upright for you?

Reno, baby!

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I hope he decided to just not go through with his plan when it fell apart

FancyShark

Reno works. It's the Atlantic City of the West.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Because you can do that, you can just leave

Tom, Wizard Columbo

yeah this vomiting child 10 feet from the craps table won't draw any notice

FancyShark

Her dad better start at a high stakes table or she's going to be dead before he starts raking in real money

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Movies have taught me that if you get magic powers, you use them to cheat at something

gellaho

Time to get dark

gellaho

It's a fun book

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

... i might come back later

Brendo

Ja'Nette reached inside the men's torsos with her mind, and PUSHED.

FancyShark

And these guys weren't even with the casinos. These guys were with Old Country Buffet.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

when the book's a stupid fantasy story again, yknow

gellaho

And, apparently, Reno heavies know that psychics exist?

gellaho

For some reason

Brendo

Rach, we all know your tastes, you can just crank it to the rough trade here.

Tom, Wizard Columbo

ah so the vomiting is a trauma response to this

fair

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

She used her psychic powers to sneak out some leftovers

gellaho

They also take the dad away even though he proved it, so that's weird

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

yeah im not feeling the five year old child trafficking today tbh

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Yeah he used his psychic kid to cheat at casino, even the mob thinks he's sick

FancyShark

Seems like they didn't bother trafficking her

Just took her dad away and left her there

Maybe they think he can make more psychic children

Tom, Wizard Columbo

also yes in a world where psychics actually exist, vegas casinos are absolutely the first to figure it out

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Child... parking?

gellaho

Reno casinos

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

the plot of next

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I think you call it abandonment

gellaho

Yay

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Remember cage named his character frank cadillac

FancyShark

Sword being open about only keeping her around as long as she's useful is why she loves him

Brendo

More bludgeoned dad's mustache for me then

FancyShark

This entire cast of characters feels like setup for the actual hero to show up, kill Sword, and help them all find a better life

gellaho

Anyway, time for three stooges bits

FancyShark

That bit? Using a saw to scratch an itch on her head

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"I'm a victim of soycumstance!" she nyucks as child protective services take her away from the murder scene

gellaho

What

Brendo

Would've respected Martin's honesty here if he'd said "To be honest, you all taste the same to me."

Velo Might Be A Ghost

That's a lot of words for "quickly"

FancyShark

Judifield went to the Brooke McEldowney school of writing

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Starting to think Judfield had a word count requirement that they did not meet on the second draft

FancyShark

Never say with five words what you can say with five paragraphs

gellaho

That's how PhDs work

Velo Might Be A Ghost

HOW ARE THERE MORE FLASHBACKS

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Yeah, that's the reaction i usually get when i say this.

FancyShark

The only time we didn't have a flashback, two innocent people were murdered!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

it's like the Saw movies

FancyShark

Well, one murdered, the other nearly murdered

Velo Might Be A Ghost

90% of this book is flashback

FancyShark

Has anyone figured out if there's a plot yet?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

martin eventually said they do kill humans, so 🤷‍♂️

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Not counting flashbacks they have gone to five locations

gellaho

These Q devices could be more interesting

Tom, Wizard Columbo

galen suddenly decided that there's a magic war brewing that will be so big it will spill out into the human world

then immediately accelerated the conflict by attacking

FancyShark

Dammit, you don't start with world-ending stakes. You have to start small and build to that!

Velo Might Be A Ghost

It's small stakes because I'm fine with this particular world ending

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"What if they just have sweaty palms?"

"Kill them anyway"

Brendo

Aw hell yeah, explain the irrelevant science of your world to me

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Even these writers knew lie detector machines dont work

Brendo

All they needed to do was hand him a magic crystal that would glow in the presence of shifters.

Velo Might Be A Ghost

They're writers, not cops

gellaho

If you were wondering what Ja'Nette's killer idea was

Tom, Wizard Columbo

because they've beaten them so many times

my new headcanon is judfield are serial killers who evaded capture

FancyShark

Her plan is racism

Fuck you, Judifield

I don't care if it's racism-but-against-humans

Velo Might Be A Ghost

We've spent a shocking amount of this book making this one particular child sad

Brendo

A teenager changing their look? This bucks the entire plan of attack!

gellaho

Galen doesn't understand how much paper costs

Tom, Wizard Columbo

yeah why does her hair matter to the plot?

what's this killer idea?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Haircut

FancyShark

Pretending to be Ko because the shifters can't tell the difference between humans

Tom, Wizard Columbo

seriously?

FancyShark

I think so?

gellaho

No

Velo Might Be A Ghost

That's a bad plan

FancyShark

oh

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Good

Tom, Wizard Columbo

she'd be like a foot shorter at least right

FancyShark

Not if she takes Ko's feet

gellaho

The children had some stupid conversation about whether Galen and Ko were family

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

tbh I can't really tell werewolves apart

gellaho

Then Ja'Nette decided Ko was like a sister, so cut her hair the same way

Tom, Wizard Columbo

oh I thought it mattered to the plot

lol

what a dumb thing for me to think

FancyShark

I fell for it too

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Okay yeah that checks out for the behavior of a five year old

gellaho

It's characterization

Or, an attempt

Failed attempt

gellaho

She's twelve

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

She's twelve now

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I'm aware

FancyShark

But looks ten

gellaho

Judfield confuses New York for Toronto

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

This book has too much math

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

No book has too much math

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

many have too much moth

gellaho

Ah, like pon Farr

Tom, Wizard Columbo

so that makes Martin about 14

gellaho

Incorrect

gellaho

Which is a huge problem, Judfield

Tom, Wizard Columbo

well fuckin fuck you, book

you had an out to make it ALMOST appropriate

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

But it will save Galen some jail time

gellaho

He's been touching that twelve year old far too much

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Not much, but some

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

We won't feel bad when Martin dies

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I think this might add an accessory charge actually

FancyShark

Maybe this entire book is Judith trying to get Garfield to confess where he hid the body

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

martin is our protagonist right

FancyShark

He is not

He has a personality

Tom, Wizard Columbo

lateral move at best

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

He's our Jar Jar Binks

Tom, Wizard Columbo

FUUUUUUCK he is

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Don't you fucking insult Jar Jar like that

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

right he's our deuteragonist. our protagonist is the other murderous sex criminal.

gellaho

Only females of color in this book

Velo Might Be A Ghost

That piece of shit wasn't nearly this bad

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

no one likes white women anyway

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Let me tell you how many children Jar Jar showed his dick to: 0

gellaho

You think that was Garfield's idea to have the out of shape special white protagonist with a bunch of ethnically diverse women?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

We don't know that for certain

gellaho

Oh, this is the reporter on the supernatural from the beginning of the book

Who's somehow on network news

FancyShark

Judith like "Okay, you can write your sex fantasy. But I get to control how his life goes."

gellaho

I had completely forgotten her name

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

so you're not familiar with the expanded universe

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Fuck you Judfield for expecting us to remember that

gellaho

So, is she the one getting eaten?

gellaho

She's the one who barged into the murder scene

Brendo

Gotta book. Library's closing. Enjoy your fellowship of the MURDEring

Tom, Wizard Columbo

still nothing

FancyShark

Have a good one, @Brendo !

FancyShark

Ohhhhhhhhhh

Right, they had to leave the crime scene so a reporter could look at it

I think it was when his lawyer died?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

oh that murder

when Tweety Bird tricked him into jumping into the fireplace

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

I missed that bit.

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

magic grim reaper fireballed a lawyer

FancyShark

It was last week

gellaho

You probably didn't need the sweat reading bands

Eric the Half-a-Bee

Hey! I never!

gellaho

Marcus Aurelius Askwith? Indeed

FancyShark

Hi, @Eric the Half-a-Bee !

gellaho

You know how you shove gems up your nose?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Of the New England Marcus Aurelius Askwiths?!

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

There are a lot of women with very sweaty hands tonight

FancyShark

I hope the speaker for identifying the shifters is a big klaxon megaphone on top of his head

gellaho

700 years looks like 80, sure

FancyShark

After a certain age, everyone looks like a pruny baby

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure that name doesn't mean anything

FancyShark

Judifield, we don't need to know fake backgrounds for the characters in your fiction

Tom, Wizard Columbo

what the fuck ever with this whole pararaph

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

sorry

gellaho

Suckin down a Peligrino

FancyShark

Back when this was the peak of wireless tech

Now you don't have to worry about storms. Just concrete buildings

Tom, Wizard Columbo

is it lightning specifically that causes interference?

FancyShark

And steel roofs

gellaho

Ghostbusters would never investigate supernatural phenomena

gellaho

Wait

FancyShark

Sometimes

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

No, generally there's a potential difference between the clouds and ground before you get lightning, and wind can cause this to push weak currents around

gellaho

Galen's good at this

Tom, Wizard Columbo

genius plan

gellaho

Women, amirite?

FancyShark

How many plots have to start before one takes root?

gellaho

Oh, you picked up on the signals, Galen?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

This book has a lot of fun ideas, and then puts them on the page and it just says "The aristocrats"

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

this does explain all the sexual interference with minors

gellaho

Oh, the evil wizard that sent him away. What a coincidence

Eric the Half-a-Bee

Why is his name Sword?

FancyShark

Because it's stupid

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Little Galen"

"Shit is my dick out again?"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I guess Tomas is just a noise he makes sometimes which happened to be correct

FancyShark

Rearrange the letters in "Tomas Roth" and you almost can spell "stomach"

Makes you think

Velo Might Be A Ghost

More than this book has up to now

gellaho

Seth was a real OG

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Judfield I swear I will dig up your graves (I assume they were both 80 when they wrote this) just to tell you to go fuck yourselves

FancyShark

You're not supposed to remember old classmates off the top of your head. That's why we have yearbooks

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Speak With Dead

gellaho

Oh, no! A werewolf!

gellaho

Oh, wait. There have been several

Velo Might Be A Ghost

OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT

HOLY SHIT

FancyShark

OH SHIT

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Guys! A werewolf!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

eh

Velo Might Be A Ghost

A werewolf you guys

FancyShark

Have we met Seth?

gellaho

What a great fake name

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I don't think so

gellaho

Negatory

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Ahahahaha

gellaho

Ah, Morgana LaVey. Simon Hawke's The Wizard of 4th Street seems so far away

gellaho

It's also Morgan Le Fay, isn't it?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Yes

gellaho

Great

Tom, Wizard Columbo

she will absolutely be morgan le fay

oh and hey galen's name is sword and king arthur had a whole thing with a sword

FancyShark

And he's from House Pendragon

gellaho

The werewolf chews on Galen a little bit

Tom, Wizard Columbo

oh yeah I forgot they actually used pendragon

FancyShark

Because Judifield have finally decided to quit pretending and admit they're hacks

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I thought I was being at least slightly clever but they have absolutely signposted the arthurian legend

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

What what when did the werewolf give him a blow?

gellaho

Herr Slausen grows gills

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Oh you weren't here. Ahem.

THERES A WEREWOLF IN THIS BOOK!

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Fishwolf

Tom, Wizard Columbo

no, I'm having trouble understooding you

gellaho

"His substance is other than yours," said Galen's normal mother

Tom, Wizard Columbo

truly this is our hero's most dire moment

even moreso than that time nothing happened

or that time nothing happened

FancyShark

It's not like he's lost to a werewolf before

gellaho

"Little Galen thought that troll had a sexy mouth"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

weird thought for a child to have

lovely full mouth on that troll

gellaho

That's some great parenting, Mother Sword

FancyShark

Just like the Dark Tower, the really interesting story is only hinted at

gellaho

Some fine child rearing

gellaho

"Don't judge, Galen. Eating people is just their culture. And we're fine with that."

FancyShark

Galen, use a fork

gellaho

What a great mom

FancyShark

If she dies from this, I will laugh

gellaho

What a great society