135: The Chronicles of Galen Sword #1: Shifter Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

gellaho

Why Galen wants to return to this, I'll never know

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I guess the choice is between "kick ass wizards and shit" and "Not that"

gellaho

What a great flashback

FancyShark

The best way to make something pay off is right before you introduce it

gellaho

We all remember in the Authurian legends how Morgan LeFay was a Light

gellaho

FancyShark

Judifield, STOP INTRODUCING NEW CONCEPTS

Tom, Wizard Columbo

this is more of a very delayed payoff to one they introduced far too early

gellaho

Fun

Velo Might Be A Ghost

How are the legends older than the people and- wait I just remembered I gave up on this book making since last week

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"grrrr I am a bad guy," Seth said, completely necessarily.

gellaho

Who's up for fantasy politics?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

I'm getting my shovel

FancyShark

I'll join you and bring a wheelbarrow

Tom, Wizard Columbo

you guys need some quicklime?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"A child's flesh tastes so sweet" said Seth

"Holy shit, dude"

"What? Oh, oh no I just meant that I like to murder and eat children not - yeah now that I think about it that phrasing is really bad, you're right, I'll take that back and rephrase it"

gellaho

I fail to see how eating people calms down war, but OK

Tom, Wizard Columbo

what?

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

It's worked for Australia

gellaho

Galen taunts Roth, who then threatens him with a crystal

gellaho

"Don't make me align your chakras, man"

FancyShark

"There is always the threat of war, but the equal portions of rocky road and mint chocolate chip ensure Austria shall not birth another tyrant."

Velo Might Be A Ghost

"I'll smack you with my currency, bitch."

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Everyone comes loaded for werewolf, but never Karen

gellaho

For some reason, the crystal is not an option

FancyShark

"Do you know how far I can jam this up your nose!?"

gellaho

So Seth's going to eat him instead

FancyShark

Dance off

C'monnnnnn

gellaho

Ko decides to bring the child into the place where people get eaten

gellaho

Then Tom Swift and His Electric Rifles a cop

gellaho

But, uh oh, he's a werewolf

FancyShark

She holds down the trigger until the cop smells of delicious pork roast

And burnt hair

gellaho

Then Ko feels nothing after her second murder

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Werewolfcop - He's a werewolf, and he's a cop

FancyShark

Part man, part wolf, all cop

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

He's his own K9 unit

gellaho

Oh, not going to eat Galen. But bring in... Dmitri

Tom, Wizard Columbo

that's already a thing

FancyShark

Dmitri sounds rad

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Dmitri sucks so much

gellaho

He becomes blind if you take off his crucifix

For.... Reasons

FancyShark

hahahahahaha

Okay, yeah, he sucks

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Demetri Martin would be better security than Dmitri Lich

gellaho

The gift of flowers

gellaho

Replace both Dmitri and Martin with Demetri Martin

Velo Might Be A Ghost

We just fixed this book

Tom, Wizard Columbo

this is weird though because galen and dmitri are only enemies by accident

like wsn't dmitri just security at the bar or something

does he have anything to do with this pendragon clan shit?

gellaho

Meanwhile, Martin rips through three more nobodies. Ko finds wisdom beyond the ages in this

gellaho

Because she too is a moron

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Galen assaulted Dmitri in the bar, and that's a fireballing

gellaho

Fireballing which is, of course, blue magic

FancyShark

It's used by monsters, so that tracks

Tom, Wizard Columbo

this is like if one of the random toughs from the cantina followed Luke all the way to the Death Star

Tom, Wizard Columbo

also this is funny

gellaho

Judfield forgets to put a chapter break here

gellaho

Between those two paragraphs we are completely changing locations and characters

Good stuff

Tom, Wizard Columbo

lol

the proofreaders were busy with the great publishing house clan wars

gellaho

Dmitri is also a lie detector

gellaho

What

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

gellaho

Dmitri takes out a couple of Galen's face muscles

Tom, Wizard Columbo

attention everyone I have successfuly cast Dmitri

I dunno who could play Galen though, can't think of any actors who can be that boring

I mean there are plenty of them, just can't think of them

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Keanu Reeves?

gellaho

This seems like a waste of power

Tom, Wizard Columbo

too sympathetic

FancyShark

Neil Breen

Tom, Wizard Columbo

too funny

gellaho

Meanwhile, Forsyte takes his wheelchair to the fight

FancyShark

Forsyte, sensing his friends need him, immediately throws himself off the balcony

gellaho

Boy, do I love unexplained proper nouns

gellaho

I think Judfield forgot he was supposed to be suicidal

And hates Galen

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Tom, Wizard Columbo

despite all the flashbacks we never saw the scene of how Forsyte got his paralysis curse did we?

or why he blames Galen for it

gellaho

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO HIM?"

Tom, Wizard Columbo

Dmitri made a sound like a cat on fire

hey book shut up

gellaho

You'd think if Dmitri's crucifix was so valuable he'd use something better than a $5 fake chain from Walmart

Tom, Wizard Columbo

also "that's my secret, Roth! I NEVER know what I'm doing!"

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Gotta save something for book two

Tom, Wizard Columbo

fuck this is a series

FancyShark

Trilogy

gellaho

He plays fetch with Dmitri

gellaho

*Dove

Velo Might Be A Ghost

It hurts because they just used it correctly

gellaho

How dare you kill your torturer!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

You animal, screamed the lady who turns into an animal at the guy who does not

gellaho

Or send him on a one way trip

Here's the rest of the dumbass crew

FancyShark

Martin then beats up Sword as well

gellaho

Frisk the wizard, child

Tom, Wizard Columbo

*not a werewolf

gellaho

Naughty

FancyShark

Roth is immediately placed on a list

gellaho

She makes a convincing argument

FancyShark

I don't see how reciting Bjork lyrics is going to help

gellaho

Not the only one

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"no don't read bjork lyrics at me, I'll cum"

gellaho

At least the child stole some crystals

FancyShark

A pea? Those aren't gems. That's aquarium gravel.

gellaho

You gotta be shitting me

OK

So, you know when they talked about humans being "tagged" for the hunt?

FancyShark

Yeah?

gellaho

Yeah, they meant that like the children's game

FancyShark

hahahahahahaha

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I

FancyShark

The stupid. It burns

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I thought it would be a scent

that everyone knows means you're marked for death

gellaho

Cuff the perps, child

FancyShark

Nice of the villains to cooperate

Tom, Wizard Columbo

it's cool how their plan to incapacitate these incredibly powerful enemies is entirely dependant on a dry-heaving pre-teen

Galen's competence is staggering

gellaho

Ko runs off to get the van and gets caught by a werewolf

Tom, Wizard Columbo

also I just noticed "his ooing sound"

FancyShark

I'm assuming the wheelchair guy shows up and murders Seth

Tom, Wizard Columbo

then Galen

gellaho

Seth attempts to consume Ko whole

gellaho

Sort of

FancyShark

And now it's weird again

gellaho

Unfortunately, the wizards free themselves

gellaho

Then Forsyte gets bounced out

FancyShark

Hell yeah, sharkbite

Forsyte wishes he'd done the balcony now

Tom, Wizard Columbo

you'd think the world's smartest physicist would know that attaching his wheelchair to a superstrong enemy might end badly

gellaho

They start losing badly

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

He did save Ko's life

gellaho

Then, Seth gets Ja'Nette

Tom, Wizard Columbo

yeah he just needed 2nd draft on this weapon idea

gellaho

And, well, I can't believe I'm saying this

The child flesh prophecy comes true

FancyShark

JFC

Tom, Wizard Columbo

"didn't think we'd do it, did you?" Judfield wrote in the book's afterword

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Judifeld are childless, I take it?

gellaho

Then Ko takes a nap

Tom, Wizard Columbo

well I say 'wrote,' I mean 'cut letters out of the newspaper and pasted them on the ransom note'

FancyShark

I guess they had some stuff to process after the holidays

gellaho

Martin gets dragged off

gellaho

Adventure!

FancyShark

hahaha

Tom, Wizard Columbo

ok then

good book cage evryone, bye forever

gellaho

It's a fun book

gellaho

Wheeeeee

FancyShark

Really milking this child's unwarranted murder, aren't you, Judifield

Velo Might Be A Ghost

This book can go fuck itself

gellaho

A very strange book

Tom, Wizard Columbo

I didn't foresee this being more miserable than time riders

FancyShark

Book, you haven't earned any of this

Velo Might Be A Ghost

This book hasn't earned pages

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I really thought Martin would be the first to go

gellaho

Living baby

FancyShark

These aren't characters, Judfield. These are vague shapes and one of them was all but decapitated while screaming for its mother. You have earned no sympathy.

gellaho

You eat any kids yet, Ko?

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Oh fuck you

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"We... don;t have to share the XP 4 ways anymore"

FancyShark

Well, yeah. You guys still have your heads attached.

gellaho

Jesus Christ

FancyShark

God, just rub her neck stump in their faces while you're at it, Judfield

Tom, Wizard Columbo

still going huh, that's cool

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Really gotta milk that child murder

gellaho

Ahuh, sure

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

"Ja'Nette's going to play as the scientist for a bit, she kind of hated that first character anyway"

FancyShark

You're doing exposition horseshit now?!

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

They never stopped

FancyShark

Judfield, you have the tact and warmth of a praying mantis

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Ok they took a break for a short fight scene and killed a child

gellaho

They go back to the museum

FancyShark

I can't remember the last book we read that was this mean spirited. Even Scarrow was ghoulish in a teenagery way

gellaho

Which is empty because of the fire alarm, I guess

But the shapeshifters are coming back

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

They left their coats at the coatcheck

gellaho

And they want the newscaster there, for whatever reason

FancyShark

Wait, no, Scarrow killed a teenager by having her dragged into the sewers by cannibal mutants. Nevermind.

Congratulations, Judfield. You have reached Scarrow levels of shit

gellaho

There was the Nicole Davidson book where a teenage girl slowly died in a fire for several pages

FancyShark

oof

Forgot that one

gellaho

They go back out of the museum to blow up the front of it

gellaho

I can't tell if this happened earlier or not, the flashbacks are getting hard to follow

Or it's the booze. Who knows

FancyShark

How we doing on page count?

gellaho

Crystals were at work here

gellaho

I am speeding through the last forty pages. We've gotten through 140 so far

FancyShark

Word

gellaho

The first 100 were a lot last week

What I'm looking for is whatever the cover is supposed to be

FancyShark

It will rule if the cover depicts something not in the book

gellaho

Martin has a crystal rope in his neck

gellaho

Judfield has a cartoonish idea of where the heart is

Tom, Wizard Columbo

weird

FancyShark

Once again showing how Martin could have been a much better protagonist

gellaho

Hello, Shirley MacLaine

FancyShark

???

Tom, Wizard Columbo

who?

is she a new girl in class?

FancyShark

She was an actress

Is. Is an actress

gellaho

Judith and Garfield are arguing again

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Scales! He said it!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

they're improvising lore

it's mountain monsters again

"this werewolf had a Cherokee child bride."

"No, I don't think he did, Garfield."

gellaho

Don't bring Meat Loaf into this. He doesn't deserve that

EpicProblem

He's never catching that onion, even with echolocation

FancyShark

Hi, @EpicProblem !

gellaho

Ahuh, sure, Judfield

FancyShark

"Just trust us, okay?"

gellaho

Tarl David

Tom, Wizard Columbo

they're ALL multi-limbed, Judfield

gellaho

Ahuh, crystals

FancyShark

It would help us visualize this if you didn't use so many Important Words without telling us what they mean, JUDIFIELD

gellaho

The determined set of her mouth

gellaho

I, myself, find foot wide crystals very intimidating

Crystals

gellaho

Ko has said "bloody" about fifty times in this book, and I find it incredibly irritating

FancyShark

"Oy, crikey," she added.

gellaho

Is that why Forsyte had the laser eye things? That's stupid

gellaho

Okay, here we go

Judfield wants you to know that Morgana turns into a snakelady tit and vagina first

Tom, Wizard Columbo

well we got there

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Tits first is always how it works, that's science

Tom, Wizard Columbo

it cost us everything, but we have snake tits

gellaho

Martin uses his blue power to open locks using wisdom from Ja'Nette

gellaho

Nevermind that the only thing he's done with the blue magic is open locks

Ignore that

gellaho

Galen and Ko fire darts at Roth. Unfortunately, he is a wizard

gellaho

Why they aren't using real guns, I have no idea

Tom, Wizard Columbo

because killing is wrong

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

They didn't use real guns in the opening scene, right? It's always been tranqs or halide?

gellaho

They declared no more tranqs after the child murder

gellaho

But still darts

Not silver bullets

Which is, you know, the actual thing

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

This is like firing bleach into their veins though, pretty awful

FancyShark

Eh, it's fine

gellaho

Luckily, Roth stops attacking them with magic

gellaho

Roth brought a gun, though

FancyShark

Magic!

Tom, Wizard Columbo

it just doesn't make sense

gellaho

Here comes Martin

gellaho

There goes Martin

gellaho

Hey, the cover lied to me

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

I cast mudane missile

gellaho

I want the impossible lizard legs

Morgana has wolverine powers now

FancyShark

Dove

gellaho

My never ending quest

Luckily, the ceremony has a weak point

Tom, Wizard Columbo

he has diven

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

Webster says "Dived" is ok in both tenses, but uncommon in American English

gellaho

Almost done

Velo Might Be A Ghost

Thank god

gellaho

Morgana rubs her scales in despair

FancyShark

It's fine, Morgana. There's bound to be a circle of fetishists online that will love the way you look

gellaho

They uselessly throw grenades

FancyShark

This is why you target the mage first

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

this is never false

gellaho

Oh, you think? Ms "Can get any PhD she wants?"

FancyShark

A dollar says he morphs into a dragon

Tom, Wizard Columbo

enjoy your dollar

gellaho

He's got anti-powers

FancyShark

hahahaha

PhysWiz vs Owlkohol

USD or AUS?

Tom, Wizard Columbo

oh that's more boring

FancyShark

I think this is the gimmick from Black Clover

His magic power is anti-magic

gellaho

Stop saying bloody, Ko

Tom, Wizard Columbo

where's she from?

FancyShark

Not England

Nor Australia

gellaho

They very slowly leave with their crystal hostage

Then something flies in as they leave the cave

gellaho

Bafflingly, they are helicopters

gellaho

Stop saying bloody

gellaho

FUCKING STOP

FancyShark

I guess she's British now