87: Gen¹³: Netherwar Christopher Golden and Jeff Mariotte

Star King Flippant Sausage

Because plot contrivance.

Brendan

WHAT IS

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Man. So many Star Trek villains would be solved if they just sent in the MACOs first.

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

my people are so persecuted

FancyShark

The demons were eating Bravo Squad. Alpha Squad was still getting their stretches in

NostraThomas TommyG

Are we ABSOLUTELY sure Chuck Austin didn't ghostwrite this?

gellaho

Welp there goes the dweeb. Weirdly violent I would say

Brendan

Which people?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Tight hammies, their Achilles heel!

Agent of Fortune

IMAGE

Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.

Demons

LyraVarloid

Demonsssss

Agent of Fortune

Canadians

FancyShark

Lew died harder than he ever lived

Brendan

BAVARIAN!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Lew...........you didnt plan for this?

Star King Flippant Sausage

YOU WATCHED HER KILL A MAN!

NostraThomas TommyG

No more 5 knuckle shuffle

Brendan

Lew learned too late not to stick your dick in crazy or your fingers in Deathstrike

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He didn't even plan for what would happen if demons are real

Agent of Fortune

Wish.com Deathstrike

gellaho

There goes another one, although I'm not sure what happened

Star King Flippant Sausage

And never learned that if you do both those things, just.......have a plan for her inevitable betrayal.

FancyShark

That's...that's the same question

gellaho

Moving right along

Brendan

Wait wait no it's never stick your dick in Deathstrike or your fingers in Vienna sausages

Chapter 14: Grifter Again

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahaha we're hitting reruns

Agent of Fortune

Shit, too late

Brendan

I think we absolutely established she knows her anatomy.

FancyShark

Maybe not as thoroughly as Lew did

Agent of Fortune

She pays people to know that for her

gellaho

Gravity shield

GDC

I think we've all had her anatomy described to us

FancyShark

So we're not retreating now? Apocalypse is back on? Okay

Brendan

I wish Golden thought about his protagonists half as much as he ponders hell.

NostraThomas TommyG

I think we're supposed to envision them in our mind's eye 👁️

Mine just rolled back

Star King Flippant Sausage

I wish he'd just went to seminary school instead of writing comics.

Agent of Fortune

Gravity shield is about as dumb as invisible woman's force shield

gellaho

Wrecked

NostraThomas TommyG

That way he could molest kids instead of our brains

Star King Flippant Sausage

Nobody who isnt a priest should think about hell this much unless they are actively running a D&D game.

Agent of Fortune

Tommy no

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahaha get fucked Grunge

Star King Flippant Sausage

He could fuck nuns too, plenty of that happens.

NostraThomas TommyG

I'm sorry

Brendan

Which one? This vessel has so many!

NostraThomas TommyG

You know what the priest said to the nun about abortion?

Agent of Fortune

Oh good they're having sexual tension between the out lesbian and a guy

NostraThomas TommyG

Chasing Amy part deux

NostraThomas TommyG

"I think we should get one."

Brendan

Sarah just hasn't met the right penis yet.

gellaho

"So stroooooong"

Brendan

My best friend in HS was born of such a union!

FancyShark

They held classes in the hotel where guests get randomly eaten

Star King Flippant Sausage

His dad was like Danny DeVito in Twins, an honorable lineage.

NostraThomas TommyG

Lecture & a buffet

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Classes on how to win at gambling, one assumes

Agent of Fortune

So this is all happening in the sub basement of a casino?

Brendan

the PERFECT venue!

Some might even call it...DELICIOUSLY ironic.

NostraThomas TommyG

Good hot doggers?

Is this supposed to make me feel positive things about Mormonism?

Cause I thought with the demons and all

Brendan

At the bottom of a den of vice one finds...HELL? Oh, wicked, wicked fate!

Agent of Fortune

Everything should, Tommy

Brendan

No, that's WildCATs

Every WildCAT gets their own planet.

NostraThomas TommyG

I sit corrected

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

What about the SwatKATS? Do they get their own planets?

NostraThomas TommyG

Sheesh spoiler alert for 3.0

NostraThomas TommyG

They get to randomly kill the minority aliens

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Can I at least go to Callie Briggs' planet when I die? Where do I file that petition?

NostraThomas TommyG

I dunno

Are you pasty enough?

Star King Flippant Sausage

busy snickering to himself thinking about Swatkats bombing dogs.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Easily

Finally staying inside for years pays off!

NostraThomas TommyG

Away you go, young hot dogger!

gellaho

Meanwhile

gellaho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

They must have all kinds of jurisdiction friction with the Dog Police

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Fuck yeah, launch me into forever eternal star suicide like Juggernaut, I'm ready

FancyShark

Early demon furry

NostraThomas TommyG

I'm sorry, crappy writer but no one is going to sponsor your book

Star King Flippant Sausage

This but with cat ears.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh no not Sarah!

Anyway,

NostraThomas TommyG

Who was Sarah again?

gellaho

Just in time, what are the odds

NostraThomas TommyG

So…Sarah gave him a handy?

GDC

That's not how heat works

Agent of Fortune

It is in hell

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Demons should not need to take a breather

NostraThomas TommyG

Now, now…

Agent of Fortune

Hard Rock is my favorite

NostraThomas TommyG

My point exactly

gellaho

They throw fire and lightning at the demon until it dies, anyway

Star King Flippant Sausage

Bobby is going to take Sarah not letting him die as a sign she's into him despite being gay.

FancyShark

Caitlin's expression is all of ours at this point

gellaho

Hell's foyer

FancyShark

Demon is a type of creature

It's a very versatile category!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Oh you can connect Hell to god but dont remember the Last Judgment? You stupid old fuck.

Agent of Fortune

I think the interior art is done by John Cassaday, who did the art for the Whedon Astonishing X men run

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also fuck off old man, nobody cares right now. You dont need to mansplain demonry to the girl.

FancyShark

This Diablo II campaign sucks

Star King Flippant Sausage

Drop rates are shiiiiiiiiiiiit

gellaho

Surprise

Star King Flippant Sausage

Caitlin will never get that Soulflayers Axe of Soul Flaying +5 at this rate.

Agent of Fortune

I'll ask Hellaho for confirmation when he's done with this disaster

gellaho

Kicking it old-school Hong Kong action style

Agent of Fortune

Ugly mothers

Brendan

They have hot breath!

Brendan

And apparently flame breath

FancyShark

Oh NOW she can crush them into walls

Brendan

but are vulnerable to flame.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I'm glad I was informed it was a huge relief or I might have had to infer that myself

Star King Flippant Sausage

God Roxy, you kissed GRUNGE?!

NostraThomas TommyG

It's the final level!

gellaho

Hell sucks, man

Star King Flippant Sausage

Thats how you get a disease.

Agent of Fortune

And I thought big group fights were a mess in comic books, good to have it confirmed that they're even worse in prose

Brendan

That...honestly tracks.

NostraThomas TommyG

"Make sure to clean your horn every day!"

FancyShark

"This blows. Also, the hole in the gate is still there."

gellaho

Right in the balls

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I feel like if you go walking into hell without a hazmat suit you're looking at a really bad UTI at minimum, so yeah, clean that horn, Grunge

NostraThomas TommyG

And no little Dutch Boy in sight

FancyShark

That much Tylenol would make your liver resign, Bobby. So I hope so.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah the armies of hell are already roaming the Earth so........fuck this horn? Also WHY DID YOU BRING IT ALONG?!

NostraThomas TommyG

I couldn't drop it from inventory

Brendan

that demon will never have children now

gellaho

These demons are very stupid

gellaho

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Essential quest item

Agent of Fortune

Ugly mothers

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Wh— what?

That worked??

Brendan

This book should hgave been in tipline.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He doesn't even look like a demon!!

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah fuck you, book.

FancyShark

The soldiers families just get some charred gristle and a smudged "We're Sorry" card

Brendan

Starting to strongly suspect.

Agent of Fortune

Not enough tits

NostraThomas TommyG

Those VA bennies are gonna be HELL to obtain

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He did go through an arc between his last skid mark and Steven Universe, so maybe this was written near the middle third of that

gellaho

Got this idea from a Toto song

gellaho

FancyShark

Okay, that's actually metal

NostraThomas TommyG

"Sarah Rainmaker!"

Roast in the hell you created

Star King Flippant Sausage

"Hahahah suck it old man, you dont have enough faith in God for this."

gellaho

"You're hurting me, that's meeeeeeeaaaan"

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

He shot it THIRTY SEVEN TIMES

FancyShark

Warning shots

Star King Flippant Sausage

Hes got one of those big ass Image guns.

GDC

Was that a clerks reference?

gellaho

You are literally in hell

Star King Flippant Sausage

Its the size of a small car.

NostraThomas TommyG

It was in a row

Brendan

But they're all shitty people and it's oddly fixated on their religious beliefs.

FancyShark

Not enough swearing

Brendan

In a row?

Agent of Fortune

Is this where we get a lecture about Mormonism?

NostraThomas TommyG

That's a tautology

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I feel like it's a little bad mannered to be taking up the power of Christian God when you wouldn't have had this moment without the Native American's rain magic to give you the hookup

FancyShark

No, remember, it's cool because she's also Catholic

Brendan

Fire kills demons that breathe fire, but holy water doesn't. This is wild. WILD.

FancyShark

Which means she's going right back to hell when she dies for the whole "magic" thing

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Fucking God and his heel turns!

Agent of Fortune

Why are all these books so Christian?

NostraThomas TommyG

Vinny Mac is secretly booking

gellaho

This book really wants me to believe this Cardinal's heel turn, but it doesn't really make any sense

Star King Flippant Sausage

Nah this is Image God, so she gets a pass for being kick ass.

Brendan

It was only seconds earlier but it was literally a cold day in hell before a Catholic priest was right about anything.

NostraThomas TommyG

What's the dominant religion in the USA?

FancyShark

Football

gellaho

Stop

NostraThomas TommyG

Besides on Sunday

NostraThomas TommyG

I'm sorry

Brendan

FREEDOM

Also white supremacy.

Star King Flippant Sausage

Image comics in the 90s were the kind of comic that implied you went to heaven if you were enough of a murderer and God still had some first round draft picks.

gellaho

I mean, other than the demons. And the horn. And Vegas.

gellaho

Stop

FancyShark

DeMedici sounds the horn at the one time it should not be used to keep it from being used

NostraThomas TommyG

Always blowing his horn…

Star King Flippant Sausage

Like I think at some point Spawn had a part where it implied Stalin and Ghengis Khan were in Heaven.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

In fairness to the book, the priest is the only character in this book I halfway like. If this were just about him and we cut out the teen team I think we'd have a real stew going

LyraVarloid

It's still going on about the fucking horn this book is amazing.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

God dammit, Todd.

FancyShark

It was part of the comic where he explained his mythology. Attila the Hun is there too

LyraVarloid

WHO CARES ABOUT THE HORN SERIOUSLY?

gellaho

The book really wants him to be the bad guy all of a sudden, except that there's literally no reason other than him being a dick

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

That horn has been superfluous since literally the moment it was introduced

LyraVarloid

I shoudnt have raised my letters there but this horn is getting to me

Agent of Fortune

Sorry, I didn't mean to start us on that tangent, it was just really weird to me that books like this and doom would have such heavy religious undertones

GDC

They didn't really make the shocking but inevitable betrayal either of those things.

FancyShark

Who could have ever forseen an immortal who oversaw two Inquisitions would be untrustworthy?!

NostraThomas TommyG

Understandable

Agent of Fortune

Nobody expects the — sigh

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I mean, third time's the charm, right?

gellaho

Almost done, better get some characterization in

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

We are just now getting any kind of insight into the character of Freefall

Agent of Fortune

I don't hate that section

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Just astounding

Star King Flippant Sausage

To be fair, if you want to kill a hojillion things then you could do worse than Stalin, Attila and Temujin.

FancyShark

There is no "banging head on desk" emoji or I swear I'd be using the hell out of that sumbitch

GDC

Her whole personality up to this point was 'cigarettes'

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

It's like they went in with the express intent of writing every part of this book wrong

NostraThomas TommyG

Make it in the Forge

gellaho

Oh, now she figures out the forces of the universe

Brendan

We didn't even see her partying at the party.

Agent of Fortune

Wait, this is the ending of pacific rim

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Thanks for reminding us that Roxy could control gravity

NostraThomas TommyG

So was Roxy….

Tripping the Rift?

gellaho

it was there, but it was boring

FancyShark

That's why she's called Freefall!

gellaho

she got Caitlin to dance!

zzzzz

Brendan

What's the gravity situation in Hell?

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

I don't know if we sort Book Cage prisoners by quality but this has gotta be easily down at the lowest end of the power rankings.

Brendan

Seems like it would either be zero or 100

Agent of Fortune

Basically, the moon

NostraThomas TommyG

So no falling damage ala Peter Jackson Hobbit

Agent of Fortune

Yeah, this book fucking sucks. Good find.

NostraThomas TommyG

Where's the MTV logo?

Star King Flippant Sausage

It sucks exactly as hard as a Gen13 novel should suck.

Man I want to go back in time and give my 4th grade friend this novel for his birthday. He would be so happy and then so upset.

gellaho

The priest does something, but I'm not sure what

NostraThomas TommyG

So are we, Lynch

gellaho

Because Roxy was still holding the rift open

FancyShark

Green magic energy. They're just taunting us with Spawn at this point

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Farting on himself so the demons don't want to touch him

You can't prove he's not!

NostraThomas TommyG

Now now, it could also be G'Nort

gellaho

Anyway, Ivana shows up, ready to fuck

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ALL BOOK

Brendan

I would forgive EVERYTHING.

gellaho

Almost there

NostraThomas TommyG

We need to buy these guys a RAZOR 🪒

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Oh, Grunge Cobain. I can never stay mad at you.

GDC

I want to hear more about Ivana's battle corset

Star King Flippant Sausage

Maximum Grizzle, Super Soldier.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

She showed up to Hell in a little black dress and a motorcycle helmet, what the fuck

NostraThomas TommyG

Gotta protect the skull

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

That's an early game Fallout armor, not a hell costume

FancyShark

About the same amount of clothing as any lady character was afforded in the 90s

Star King Flippant Sausage

Yeah I mean she IS a cyborg. She doesnt need armor.

gellaho

THE MOJO

NostraThomas TommyG

Or even earlier wrestling CAW games

Star King Flippant Sausage

Honestly, Lynch sounds like a fucking wuss.

"Oh I dont like the idea that im capable of awesome destruction, woe is meeeeeee."

Pffft. Wuss.

NostraThomas TommyG

So…perfect image hero

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

If his power is the warp spasm and we're already fucking with mythology why isn't he just Chu Chullain

NostraThomas TommyG

They are all psychotic and badly drawn

Star King Flippant Sausage

2000 AD would have sued.

FancyShark

Image: Our heroes can do, like, anything and they're super awesome, but they don't wanna

Star King Flippant Sausage

Because that's just Slaine.

gellaho

The MOJO is, uh, not sure

gellaho

Star King Flippant Sausage

Also their feelings are hurt.

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

Hahaha his power is literally pebble dance!!!

NostraThomas TommyG

They're upset someone stole their razors

King Tingo Badgerhands 👑

All that for one fucking rock! Go fuck yourself, Lunch